By Jacob
Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of the Rag-Tag Fleet's Massively-Frakked Elite. And do I have a juicy scoop or five for you this week. Let the MILF Wars commence! Spotted: Ellen Tigh, stepping off the Raptor like the first time we saw her, Chief identifying her pilot Boomer with a single sexy-as-hell look, and Adama sending Boomer straight to the brig for shooting him in various poorly edited parts of his abdomen about a zillion years ago. Careful readers will note that Laura's always hated Ellen and has no time for Boomer either, so it's no surprise she shoots stinkface lasers all over the place even after Ellen's reiterated for them that "Final Five" means just that, the Final Five people of all Earth, and isn't that sad.
Also Spotted: the Colonel playing both Tighs against the middle, offering up a half-hearted attempt at telling his wife about the oncoming baby with Caprica -- named Liam, as in William, naturally -- before getting distracted by a bone-athon two years in the making. Then, a little birdie tells me Ellen's first meeting with her beloved Dylons goes... poorly. Tory's still sipping on Hatorade and, after an attack on Caprica in Dogville that leaves any number of fugeez royally mama-bear'd, Chief's down with it too. They agree to a vote -- Saul and absentee Sam, of course, having declared their wish to stay in the Fleet -- and then swing vote Ellen gets blindsided, when a random Six mentions poor doomed Liam.
(Which, much like with Tory and Kara every time they open their big stupid petty bitch mouths, we as the audience get to write off as yet another petty, bitchy woman acting out. As though this show has ever demonstrated so little respect for us or its characters that this could ever be the actual reason, but that's the price you pay when you write TV for nerds who will never know the touch of a woman: obviously, Ellen's ragging on a thousand years' worth of premenstrual syndrome. It's not that she killed herself to save her husband's life, awoke to decades of memory and a year and a half of imprisonment before finally finding her way back to a man she's loved literally thousands of years and the belief that she's regained the only heaven she's ever been able to contemplate, only to have him puss out and lie to her face about having a son with their daughter, no: She's just a bitch. Because that's exactly how simple women are. Barf me out.)
Ellen and the Pres are both spotted having several really fucked up conversations with Caprica about her pregnancy, and Ellen orchestrates a truly Blair Waldorf-level amount of awkwardness shitstorm, playing Caprica against Saul and both women against Saul's number one true love (the Admiral, obviously) that leaves Baby Liam dead in the womb, Saul weeping in Bill's arms, Caprica almost catatonic, and Ellen and Laura feeling like the dicks they always end up feeling like.
Meanwhile, Chip Six is back and helping Gaius retake his cult from the always-awesome Paulla, getting into turf wars with the always-awesome Sons of Aries, revealing the first of what must be many Gaius Bastards to come, and eventually talking Bill into arming the Cult of the One True Living God with some scare quotes and post-mutiny Second Amendment rhetoric. The Jane Espenson "watch out for the funny" rule is in full effect this week, as every hilarious Gaius scene is followed by Saul, Caprica or Ellen getting their metaphorical teeth bashed out in some new way.
Also spotted: Kara not dealing with Sam's coma all that well, which she doesn't know is actually fine because he just woke up, which may or may not have to do with Liam's death, whose gestation may or may not have to do with the fact that nobody's seen the Opera House since Natalie died; Chief continuing to invent new unforeseen ways to be hot, between encylonating Galactica and watching Boomer sleep in the brig; and a moving ep-ender with Laura and Bill -- Literally taking a turn around the ship with her arm in his, dude! -- noting that, once the 268s started putting up pictures in the Hall of Remembrance, the "blending" already done begun.
week: Answers (or at least "answers") about Kara's deal, Sam wakes up hopefully, and we find new ways to do whatever shitty things to Boomer Cally didn't have time to do before that crazy, petty bitch got airlocked. You know you love me.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.