Well, the season just ended, and already they've packaged up a "reunion" show. Right, you scoff. Those shows always suck. Suspend your cynicism for a moment and revel in this one, though. This covers the time after the show wrapped filming, and the shows they played before airing, and shows and reunion times after the show aired. Thorough! Dense! Packed with much drunken, revelatory goodness! It was really, really good. I mean, it was like hot-sex good. And emotionally painful at times! There's shit in here that I felt icky just watching, and I can't imagine how I'll feel when I transcribe the stuff. Inside info? You'll get it. Blooper reels? They're there. Closure on the Angela/Fletcher issue? Yes. Oh my sweet lord, thank you for this reunion show.
Some adult language goes on in this show. And some Santa-stealing. And nuts in the pool.
Previously: FLICKERSTICK wins. Yeow!
Brandin's dragging his suitcase down the hall of the Marriott, gearing up to return to Fraggle Rock, I mean "Dallas," a happy Fraggle, I mean "man." He doesn't know how they did it, but they did! It was the white belt. Dom says they were on the road for 54 days and it was "a grueling, stressful trip." When did Dom ever stress? Oh right, I remember. Episodes one through the end. He and Corey were pretty well matched for drama queendom. We see a plane in the sky, and wham, the FLICK boys de-plane in Texas. Corey, or Whorey, the ultimate bimboy, says he can't wait to go home, see his girlfriend, and "look very unguilty." Oh, lord. He says he plans to beg, plead, flower-fur-and-bejewel her to keep her. Oh, and he wants to wait until "the day of the show" to tell her what he's been up to. "That gives me three months! That's a decent plan. And by 'decent' I don't mean decent, as in, noble." Oh, Corey. You are so simple. It's a good thing you're pretty.
Okay, Rex deplanes, walks up to his wife, and gives her the sideways one-shoulder hug. Oh, weak. She doesn't even try to hug him. He's got about eight days of facial growth on him, headphones, and that daggy polka-dotted shirt on. Husband and wife both chomp on gum with amazing speed. This looks bad. Can I just say that I am bugging out because my b.f. Ben is going to Europe to play drums in a rock band, and since he got that gig my friend Michelle has been calling him "Ben-inic"? Well, I said it. Please let there be some guys in bands that don't cheat. And even if there aren't, well, at least I won't see it on TV. Anyway, Whorey stands around with his woman and riffs on Rex, calling him "El D!" and shit. Mrs. Rex just chomps her gum stoically. She must have known some shit went down. Maybe there's clumps of green hair caught in Rex's stubble. Rex says his wife is "kind of oblivious to all this rock stuff," and I'd have to agree. Perhaps she was just hoping it'd stay local. Rex goes on to say that she probably won't understand that "when [they] get signed," he'll have to be gone all the time playing gigs and being away. Well, hardly anyone is on the road 365 days a year. And some rock stars bring their families with them. But we hear what you're screaming, Rex. Your marriage is about to end. This is the pain I'm talking about, people. There's nothing to make fun of! It's too real. Goddamn you, reality television!
, Fletcher. He deplanes to find his fiancée and cute, adorable, sweet-googly-faced baby. Oh my god, that baby is cute. Fletcher is knee-high in baby talk within seconds, just like any daddy would be. In voice-over, Fletcher says he knows he "made some mistakes on this tour," and that he's been beating himself up about it for a while now. He just wants to be forgiven. He loves his family. Oh man! My screen just got all blurry.
SOLEILMOONFRYE deplane. Apey drops to the airport floor and kisses it. That is nasty. He could get mad cow disease from that! Then he says, "Bocci balls." WTF? Apey is a freak. ["My mother says that all the time, but as a curse. I don't get why he said it then either." -- Sars] Sutton and Ramsey's girlfriends run up and get some love. Hey, Ramsey didn't cheat on his woman! There's hope for me yet! Thank god for Ramsey. Sutton takes a photo of them all and asks, "Are you guys friends?" Beastie-itis sing-songingly responds, "We're not friends, we're faaaam-ily." Then he blows a raspberry. Shut up, Beastie. Oh shit, he's still talking. He says, "We didn't win, but we didn't lose. We made it to the end, okay?" Oh my god. Then he says how this whole experience made him see "how different from the rest" the CRACK is, and how they're all best friends and shit. Oh, barf. "I'm in one of the greatest bands ever." Oh, BARF. They run around to one of SEWERMUCKER's houses, which overlooks the ocean, and is gorgeous. I hate those fucking guys.
HARLOW'S turn! Rebecca sits behind her drums and talks over an adorable montage of Harlow footage. This was "an incredible learning experience" for her, especially for her and Rayshele, since they never toured before. "Maybe we can be good!" Mmmaybe. They came off the road and went right into Grand Master Studio, in Hollywood. There's a cute bit when they all play, then stop, but Rebecca keeps on drumming. Aww, studio fuck-ups are so cute. Hey, Pat Smear is producing! Not Dan's Cuban boyfriend Johnny from the Miami Real World, but the real Pat Smear! Chimene details Pat's musical lineage from the Germs (why does everyone say they were so influential? Maybe the most name-dropped in the nineties, but most influential? Prove it), to Nirvana (now there's an influential band for you), to the Foo Fighters. They show the ersatz-Mentos Foo Fighters video in case people need reminding. Hey, it's really Pat Smear! I love Pat Smear. He runs around strapping on Amanda's guitar, and Rebecca explains that Amanda and Pat met when they were on a tour together, Fluffy and Foo Fighters. Then they both became disenchanted and decided to quit their bands, and she moved out to L.A. and they became "best friends." Rebecca thinks his name will lend them cred since Pat is who he is, and that he's a friend too. Hey, you know what I heard? That Rebecca and Pat are DOING IT. You know, sitting in a tree? K-I-S-S-you know the rest? But we get no indication of that here. That's the thing about reality television: they can't use what you don't show them. Then Rayshele makes some noise about how being in a band is "saving her life" and this is what she's always wanted to do. Well, hooray.
DODES, you're up. They're playing at the Bitter End in NYC, which has been a weekly gig for them for ages. The house is packed, and who is that seated to Maiya, the back-up singer? It's MBTV's own Djb! He's singing along and making "band face" and everything! He looks so cute! Aw, that warms my heart. And Maiya quit the band because she graduated college and moved back to L.A., where she's from, and wants to pursue "more of her own stuff." Adrian the stripey-haired other back-up singer so helpfully tells us that that is impossible to do when you're a "DODES bitch." Please tell me that Josh does not refer to his back-up singers that way. Who wants to be anyone's bitch? Unless if she means that being in the JDB is like being in jail. Maiya, GOOD FOR YOU for doing what you want to do. Sars, don't ever call your recapping staff your bitches. Daryl says that the JAYDEEBEE is "the best unsigned band in New York, the best unsigned band in America, so record company people, wake the fuck up." Hey, my b.f. saw the FLOWDES's (independently released) record in Tower. He got so excited he ran right over to the H's to see if Harlow's record had come out yet. Not yet!
FLICKERLICK do a radio show, and the cute DJ actually gives them a box of Milk-Bonz "for the dogs that you is [sic]." She keeps holding the box of biscuits up to the mike. Hon? You're doing a radio show. Put the biscuits down. Dom says he hopes people won't hate them for being drunk jackasses. Actually, I think that the reason why people love the FLICK. Drunken jackasses are way entertaining, particularly when you don't have to be in the same room with them.
FLICKERFUCK play a hometown show at the Curtain Club. The place is packed, and people know the words and sing along. Lots of cute girlies in the front row. It looks like a great gig. Then we cut to Whorey's woman saying that it may be naive of her to trust in him, but she doesn't want to be with a man she has to worry about, and she doesn't know any other way to be. Oh, dear. "Naïve" doesn't come close. I guess she really couldn't have any idea, since Whorey is being completely dishonest and all wanting things both ways, but is she ever in for a rude awakening. Whorey says he wants to tell her "in a way that she can understand." Oh, Corey. You're so pretty. We get a nice montage of happy people backstage and people selling merch and Dom kissing some lingerie-wearing lady. He then has the courage to say, "Once the show airs, probably none of these girls are going to want anything to do with [him]." So true! Except for the hopeless, shameless groupie factor. There's always that. The segment concludes with Whorey and his woman commenting on the Felix-and-Oscar-ish relationship of Rex and Mrs. Rex, or El Dangeroso and La Divorcearia. Damn. Then Mrs. Rex says that she doesn't want to be affected by the fame, and "normal people don't do these kinds of things." Another ostrich! Wake up, sisters.
Oh great, another CRACK segment. They play a show at Winston's, which has a black light and seems more like a disco than a rock club. Maybe if a good band were playing, it'd be better. Sutton says the people of San Diego love CRACK, and they could "go in and play kazoos all night and people'd love it." Wow, is that statement ever a lie. I know plenty of San Diegans that hate SUCKCRACKER with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. Sutton says he isn't sure of how he'll be portrayed, and that they could be "the boring guys of the show, or the heroes of the show." No, DOODOO were boring, and FLICK were the heroes. You guys were the ones everyone hated. How interesting that never occurred to them? Beastie says he's worried about looking like a jackass, but "if a jackass I am, then a jackass I shall be." And a jackass you were, Beastie! What a jackass you have been. Let's choose that for your yearbook quote, shall we? They bust into a new Weezer-y song called "The Greatest Generation." It's one of Sutton's. Here's where Beastie talks about being pushed to the side and being a back-up "singer," and MY EYES! DEAR LORD! Beastie has parted his hair in the middle, making him look like some kind of horrible Dawson clone! Save me.
Hey, all the bands get a South By Southwest gig! Beastie says his band had been rejected the last five years in a row. HA HA HA HA HA! Daryl sticks his face in the camera and says, "Austin, Texas, JDB-style." Josh channels Flava Flav and says, "Yeah, boyee!" I guess Josh took Public Enemy Appreciation 101 while at Yale. Dollars well spent. All the bands meet up to play a show at Stubb's BBQ, with still-one-hit-wonders Fastball. Everyone is happy to be together and nervous for the show to air. Amanda says, "It's all right to be terrified. There's no one to ask about this. Hey, what's it like being on a reality show week after week?" Hey, you could have come to the boards here; we've got reality TV stars up the wazoo. Consider us therapy. On second thought, you'll probably be fine. SUCKCRUSTY does "Beautiful," the FLICK song, in their sound check. Sutton's voice cracks all over the place. Josh says the journey has been Behind The Music to Where Are They Now? Skipping, of course, the actual success and fame and accolades that should come in between those two shows, but whatever. Josh probably doesn't care about that. He could be a jazz musician in a minute, if that's what he really wanted!
DOODITZ plays their set, and Josh's head steams. Ew. The crowd politely bobs their heads. up is DROOLCOOCOO. Baba Beastie says he felt " a swell of pride" because people were into them at South By Southwest. Oh, shut up. up is HOLE-LOW, and Amanda dedicates the set to Adrian, DOODOO singer. Amanda gushes about how she loves Adrian, who is "a bad, evil woman...she could be a HARLOW!" Adrian watches, open-mouthed, and says that HARLOT "brings something out in her, the animalistic side." Yeah, the Sapphic animalistic side, I bet. Does watching Harlow make you want to chow box? Or munch carpet? Maybe some tuna tacos? Come on, you're all thinking it too. Finally, LICKERFUCK plays, with Rex leading off on a cool-sounding rock song we never heard on the show. There's a HARLOW sticker on his guitar. Chimene calls him "Elvis." Say it with me: The Fat Elvis. But Rex isn't fat at all, just scraggly-looking. Rayshele watches her man, I mean "Rex," from the side of the stage. She looks like such a smitten kitten. She said one day she asked about his amp, and ever since then they've talked about guitars and stuff. Yeah, right. Then Josh adds that they've been doing it regularly for some time now. Just kidding -- he says that FLICK could be "the household name," and that they have "the rock-star thing." Yeah, you know, it's really hard to describe what makes someone compelling, or what makes a star a star. Sure, hard work is a part of it, but SUCKTRUCKER proved that hard work isn't enough. Same goes for talent, cough cough DODES cough. Whatever FLICKERSTICK has is "it." Maybe it's the only "it" on the show. Either way, they're selling out shows right now. Choke on it, SHITSPITTER! Rex rips the strings off his guitar one by one.
Fastball plays, Sutton says he likes them, and as they hang by the port-a-potties, Josh says he thinks that Fastball is "generic." Then Beastie emerges from a potty with beer in hand, and Josh hops off the ground, and they all three skip off together to get drunk. Boob in particular gets really wasted. His hair has grown out since the show was taped, and Sars in particular thinks he looks yummy. But what about Brandin, Sars? You heartbreaking hussy, you. ["I've got enough love to go around." -- Sars] Bob hugs Dom drunkenly and declares his love. Hee! How excellent that this drunken admission is on TV. Bob asks Adrian to make out with him. Adrian says she's not afraid to make out in front of the cameras. Okay, then, lips for kissing only. But of course they have to talk about it. She asks if he randomly hooks up with people he doesn't know, and he says kissing isn't hooking up. And guess what else, you college-educated young people? Talking isn't making out either. Get with the lip-on-lip action. I never thought I'd ever be nostalgic for footage of Dom sucking face, but look at me. These drunken, lustful hotties are WASTING BREATH when they should be just coming up for it. Bob says he used to kiss his dad before he went to sleep, and Adrian asks for a sample. She gets a cheek peck. Oh, Jesus H. Christ on his throne. Then Bob asks if she wants to see how he kissed his mom. Wham. They go at it. To be fair, Bob is so drunk he's beyond even a soft-on, but Adrian? Is into it, man. They. Suck. Face. Sars, I can hear your teeth grinding even from here. ["Shut up, woman." -- Sars] They break away and Adrian is like, no way do you kiss your mom like that! Then Adrian's sassy friend dares her to kiss Bob again, and Adrian is not the kind of gal to back down when dared. So she HAD to kiss him, Sars, okay? She HAD to. Finally they break for air, and Adrian says she LOVES it, and her friend drags her away, "undare-ing" her. Bob says they're "going to screw like mad minxes." Ha ha! You wish.
Back on the FLICKERSTICK relationship therapy couch, Fletcher reveals that he finally told Angela about his tour, um, adventures. Her initial reaction was "get out." Then, she decided she wanted to try and keep the family together. Aw! Then Dom says in an interview that when you're in a band, "it's impossible to be in a relationship until you're completely successful, because you're going to do what you have to do to make it." What? So if you're in a band, you're going to have to screw other people? To "make it"? And whatever does "completely successful" consist of? Someone smack Dom for me.
Rex goes a little nuts after the show at Stubb's. His wife shows up, surprising him. They had a fight beforehand. He avoids the cameras in a panic. Then, while locked behind a door, he has a deeply agitated conversation with an unknown woman about his failing relationship. This shit right here kills me. It's the break-up conversation you have with yourself each time you break up with someone, but this is out loud, and on tape, and on television. Here's an excerpt: "I want to feel passionate about somebody again. And I don't feel passionate about her anymore. Why do you need that partner, why do you need it? That's my question. There's no homefront to hold down. I just miss being in love with someone. You hurt when you're in love with someone." The woman he's talking with asks if the person in HARLOW that he's intrigued with will stand by him. We see a couple of scenes of Rex and Rayshele being comfortable with each other. Then Fletcher leads Rex back to the hotel, with Rex asking where Rayshele's room is, and to help him, and to bring the therapy on. The segment ends with an off-camera voice asking if "we should talk about Rayshele" and Rex saying no. Well, then.
Lights up on the Marriott pool, in Austin. A pink-bikini-ed Adrian romps with the SOULSPATTER boys. She says it's fun to be around them because they're "intellectual." HA HA HA HA HA! Wow, the uptight brigade just got their female back-up singer. Adrian scampers across the tile floor to Sutton, who tells he that he didn't "fuck any chicks or do any drugs" while on tour and is afraid of looking boring on TV. Don't worry -- you only looked like an ass. Adrian says she did the same thing and "regret[s] every second of it." So go chow some box and get it out of your system! I thought it was the HARLOW girls that brought out your "animalistic side"? Get a move on! Then Bob takes his nuts out and buoys them up to the surface, yelling "WHOA!" when they emerge. How very intellectual. Sutton does the same thing, and gets busted by pool security. He says, "This is nuts, but I have to go." Oh, ha ha.
The bands are assembled, and are forced to watch themselves on TV. This was a great idea. Everyone is excited to see themselves, and to laugh at themselves, and to give the finger to the person sitting on the couch a few feet away for slagging them on tape. Everyone takes it well and cracks up. Until Corey says he hates Dom. Dom slaps Corey on the back, but later on says that he was hurt by that. Hey, Dom has feelings, y'all. Don't forget. And his feelings are most sensitive in an area located south of his belt. Remember that, too! Brandin points out that the difference between BOTR and The Real World is that the bands have to stay together and be a close unit after the show is done taping. In the Real World, it's just see ya until the weak-ass reunion show!
The SPOOLSPOONER segment shows them working super hard and flyering up a storm, only to have the FLICK boys pull their posters down. Apey says that's "an unspoken thing between bands" that you just don't do. No, it isn't! Then Corey says "SOULCRACKER sucks because they suck!" Ba Ba Beastie says that "validates" SOUPSLURPER to him. Oh, my GOD. Never part your hair in the middle, and SHUT UP.
Rayshele says she doesn't like the way HARLOW is portrayed as "inexperienced, devil-worshipping bisexual gothics." Aw. Rex sits to her on the couch. Corey says he thinks Rex and Rayshele have a bond because they are both the misunderstood people in their respective bands. Everyone has a laugh when Corey says he's "going to tag" Rebecca. Rebecca is surprised to learn that Corey had a girlfriend the whole time. But not for much longer! Corey says that "in a few days," he and his woman "are probably not going to talk to each other ever again." Sooo pretty! Then the segment with Corey's dad dying comes on, and everyone gets somber. DODES drummer JoJo says he can relate, because his dad died before he went on the show. So sad!
When the DODES band finally comes on board in Chicago, they admit they were boring. Word. JoJo says, "Mellow." Daryl says "the "D" in JDB does not stand for "drama." Much footage of a falling down-drink FLICK passes, though the footage of Daryl crashing their tour van gets huge cheers from everyone. Amen.
The bands are assembled at a long banquet table. Adrian asks, "Why are we sitting here eating?" What else could happen here? Daryl gets his plate and says, "It ain't pussy, but I'll eat it anyway." Hee. A food fight breaks out. That Sum 41 song plays, shorts punk at its finest, as everyone throws food. Aw.
Okay, the show has aired, and the bands are once again all assembled to play a show at L.A.'s House of Blues. The guys from FLICK talk about being loved and known from being on the show. Amanda complains about the people that scream, and we get a jump cut to four girls screaming, "HARLOOOOOW!" Seriously, cut that TRL shit out. Beastie is -- gasp! -- surprised that people hate his guts! He says, "Homophobic people think I'm gay." HA HA HA! What a roundabout way of saying people hate you. Then, he says that there were death threats posted on their website! Shit! They can trace that, can't they? Then Beastie's new girlfriend gets some camera time. She looks like a pretty, groupie type. Good for him. Can you hear that ticking sound? Thought so. Bob says he loves Sars and wants to marry her. Just kidding! ["QUIT IT." -- Sars] Bob says he isn't surprised that people hate SOUPSLURPER, because he watches the show himself and thinks they look stupid and suck. YAY! Bob just validated himself to me, even if he did grab BlueBird's ass at their recent Chicago show. Well, she didn't mind.
HARLOW takes the stage. Amanda says, "This is my cunt." They bust into the song "Michael Hunt." Her voice sounds great. Amanda has a double necked guitar, and she's wearing leather pants! No goth gown! Hey! Good for her to change it up! A guy in the crowd says he liked them, but "there's only so much you can do with two power chords." Damn! I wasn't counting. I still love HARLOW for being cool rocking chicks. Amanda signs stomachs and breasts of various people. People buy up the dolls Chimene made. Yay.
SOULCRACKER is up. Matthew Sweet introduces them as his favorites. They bust into the new one, "The Greatest Generation," and the crowd bobs along. A few people admit to being won over, though it's hard to see past the image they have on the show. One girl says she loves the CRACK, not the FLICK. Hey, they do have a fan! One lonely, only fan. Aw, isn't she cute.
The crowd pumps their fists and "woo"s for FLICKERSTICK. One guy is wearing his baseball hat backwards. Uh-oh. Corey and Brandin erotically dab their tongues with honey. Yeow. Erik Palladino introduces them. Brandin seems overjoyed at the response they get. Then, armed with sharpies, they go out to face the drunken babbling fans. One guy says he felt like the guy who was watching the first Rolling Stones concert, but he was watching Brandin. Brandin is like, where's the bouncer. All the bands say what a great opportunity it was and how much they loved it. Amanda makes a joke about one of the members of the band dying to help them sell more records, and how she thinks it should be Rayshele. Oh, that'll help Rayshele's outsider complex. Bob says he'll always be competitive with FLICK and want to sell more merch that them, "for no good reason." Bob? Radio Shack is a calling. Fill out your application now.
FLICK plays a showcase at the Whiskey a Go Go. Dom says that when they play for record executives, they play their "pop songs, not their art songs." Hee. One guy says that when they do make their record, it'll be a "piece of art." Not a piece of pop?
FLICK heads off to the G___ C____ to pick out their $100k worth of gear. Oh, man. Drool drool. Kid, meet candy store. Dom gets a custom DW drum set. He plans to use it for the studio and home. Not road drums! Corey picks out a 1962 Jaguar. Rex drools over some orange-velvet lined guitar cases. "Can I sleep in them?" Maybe someday you will, El Dangeroso.
Video time! This whole segment feels like a horrible episode of Making The Video, a show I hate anyway. Brandin says he was thrilled to make a video for "Smile." The boys go nuts over the catering table. Rex says he "forgot" to steal stuff from it. Hee. The Spangle Twins, Corey and Dom, fuss over their outfits and styling. Corey says he looks "gay" in his sequined shirt. I think most gay men wouldn't be caught dead in that seventies polyester nightmare. Rex says they look like "an older, fatter 'NSync." Fletcher says that to make FLICK look like Backstreet Boys is "bullshit." But they all tell the stylists that they'll see how it looks on film before they change. Suckers.
They chose Ridley Scott's production company, Black Dog, to shoot the video. It's basically a performance video with a b-plot of a girl getting some rough news that "wrecks her world" in a letter. Brandin then wins my heart by telling us that he got a letter from a young girl that had been contemplating suicide, but the song "Smile" made her change her outlook. The song is about that, says Brandin, and if FLICK "wash[es] up a month from now, the memory of that will stay with [him] for a lifetime." He means the song turning someone's life around, not making a video with Kristy Hume. The director says Brandin was a natural with the camera. They rock the hell out, then go get beers. Fletcher calls it "the greatest job in the world." Brandin says, "Our hands are shot, our knees are shot, but that's what we do. We had a blast."
The video kind of runs backwards. A coffeepot boils over, but in reverse. Brandin sings that he's "going to try and slip inside the mind of a clown, thinking I can turn their smile into a frown." He looks just like Elliot Smith, and sings as sweetly. Kristy reads the letter, cries, and grabs the "flesh" on her "thigh" in her fist. She knocks over a glass of OJ in reverse. The band rocks the hell out. It's short and sweet. They could be stars.
Bloopers! SOULCRACKER make a pretend kung fu movie, and scream and strike poses. Corey and Rayshele steal a Santa Claus doll from a hotel lobby. Rebecca makes out with an Elvis lamp. Security comes searching for the Santa. "What would make you want to grab Santa?" "I don't know what would make me grab Santa." Some pratfall footage of Sutton and Adrian follows, and then Ramsey pushes A.P. down the hall on a luggage cart. Wipeout! Then the show ends. No! It was perfect. Sniff.