Okay, so we’re still in Atlanta. Remember, the bands have to book their own shows, and only their highest-paying one will make it into their total tour earnings. Also, they can’t play anywhere they’ve already played.
Thursday. There are a couple of bims in FLICK’s room, whom Cory and Dom met a few nights ago. Cory: “We didn’t really invite them in here. I was just trying to go to sleep and they found their way in.” Sure, Cory. Whatever you say, man. “Nothing happened. It was all just innocent.” Mmm-hmm. Sarah and Jessica (the girls) say the same. It didn’t look all that innocent to me, but I’ll let it slide. Dominic asks Cory what happened to Leanne, and Cory admits that he was “not so cool” to her and that she took off with Esther. Rex comes in and wants to know if the band is going to book a show. Cory mentions that he’d like to sleep a little more. Dominic spread-eagles and farts so loudly that the walls shake. Mr. Stupidhead loses his shit laughing.
Over at the CRACK camp, AP (which stands for Ass Prick) is trying to work with some promoter. Bob talks about how he and AP “didn’t rest in Atlanta.” I don’t care much for Bob. Anyway, SOULCRACKER starts to back up out of their space and realizes that there’s no air in the tires of their van. Heh. Brandin: “The night, Fletcher told me that he and Cory let the air out of SOULCRACKER’s tires, and I was like, ‘Okay, that’s pretty funny.’” You’re darn tootin’ it is! “Me and Dominic happened to walk out right as they were discovering that their tires were flat, and I freaked out.” It’s funny, though, because Brandin and Dom inspect the scene as if they don’t know anything about it, and they’re all scratching their heads and crap. Heh. Dominic is the best: “What about our van?” Such a good cover. Makes them look so innocent. Rock. Beastie kicks something. Ramsey: “Oh, that was mature.” Ramsey, if you talked more I’d tell you to shut up, but I’ll go easy on you this time. I know you’re not really used to this whole “talking” thing. Anyway, it turns out that FLICK’s van won’t start because the battery is dead. Interesting. This leads Bobbo the Clown to the conclusion that “it was HARLOW that let the air out of our tires.” Bob is such a smug bastard. Shut up, Bob. Sutton: “It was probably just pranksters.” Bob: “It was HARLOW.” Bob…dude, if you don’t know by now, you’ll never know. Speaking of HARLOW…
Rebecca is feeling “exhausted.” Everyone else is just “chillin’,” instead of booking a show. Amanda is depressed because she spoke to her mother (who has Parkinson’s, which really sucks, so I feel for her). Chimene apparently doesn’t want to get out of bed, and Rayshele feels like doing her nails. All day. They aren’t much of a band today.
Back with CRACK, where the mechanic has just arrived to re-inflate their tires. Mechanic: “Somebody doesn’t like you guys!” AP: “You’re absolutely right.” Mr. Stupidhead: “You’re absolutely right.” Heh.
In FLICK’s room, Cory and Rex are already drunk. It’s 4:30 in the afternoon. Nothin’ like a little hair of the dog, eh fellas? Anyway, Cory is wondering out loud what happened to Leanne and Esther, to which Fletch replies, “They said you’re a fucking asshole.” Cory: “Pretty much.” Brandin: “If he wants to do that to as many girls as he wants to, it’s none of my business. I think it’s wrong, but they aren’t my girlfriends, so I can’t really speak for him.” Cut to Cory, who’s pretending to jump out the window. Dom: “When you’re sober and they’re drinking, Rex is really funny but Cory is just stupid.” Shot of Cory walking straight into the camera. Dumb-ass.
SOULCRACKER has found a venue with some cancellations called Dottie’s Food and Spirits. I’m psyched. Not. While they’re playing, bunches of people just leave, which I find absolutely delicious. They sound like poo, as is their custom. Some dude in the audience flips the double bird to the camera as we go to commercial.
Okay, so there’s a bonus opportunity. The bands have to go to this place called Backstreet (which is a transvestite club) and get further instructions. Rayshele is the only HARLOW who goes, but the other bands show up in their entirety. The show begins, and the MC (named Charlie Brown) starts doing his/her thing. She starts talking to all the bands, and is actually pretty funny. She goes up to Rex to ask him something, and he freaks out and leaves. Easy there, Rex. It’s a drag queen, not flesh-eating bacteria. Anyway, Charlie announces the bonus opportunity. The bands have to find some tranny named Heather Daniels (who is mighty convincing, I have to say) and bring her up onstage to win the bonus show. Naturally, SOULCRACKER wins. Dominic: “Overachievers, man. Overachievers.” Word, Dom. They really should chill out, don’t you think? Beastie (about Heather Daniels): “The jury is still out on whether or not there was a penis. She had great, big, enormous boobs.” Heh. The man likes his mammaries, folks. Apparently, to complete the bonus, one of the members of the band has to do a drag routine. Unbelievably, it’s Bob who volunteers, and I have to give him props, because it’s actually pretty damned hilarious. He shakes his ass all over and even lets people stuff dollar tips into his clothing (even in the butt-crack). Way to go, Bob. You’ve earned yourself minor redemption for your prickitude. You still suck, though. FLICK thinks so, too. They’re out. In SOULCRACKER’s room later, Beastie, Sutton, and Ramsey are all draped over each other with their shirts off, talking about how “macho” FLICK thinks they are and how uncomfortable they were at the club. Yeah, they were, but it was only because you were there, so shut up.
Merch!
FLICK -- Take a wild guess. That’s right. $0
HARLOW -- Yup. $0
CRACK -- You have to be kidding. $180. Oh, God.
Fletcher is on the phone with this guy Michael, who manages a couple of local bands and who saw FLICK play a couple nights ago. Apparently, Michael pulled some strings and got FLICK to headline the show CRACK won from the bonus opportunity. That’s awesome. In your face, SOULCRACKER!
Rayshele is eating by herself. She looks really lonely. She talks a little bit about the transvestite bar. “When SOULCRACKER’s around, they just jump on the bonus opportunities and I lose all my motivation. Who cares? I’m glad we don’t have to play a show, I’m exhausted.” Yeah, dude. We all know that HARLOW has a lot of trouble relaxing. Oh, wait. You sleep twenty hours a day. Anyway, the other girls are trying to hook something up, and it doesn’t look like it’s going well at all. Rebecca: “Our whole approach for these three days was to try something completely different.” Let’s see if it works. Dude, they’re even considering bar mitzvahs and weddings and crap. If I ever saw HARLOW playing at a bar mitzvah, I think I’d probably piss my pants. But that’s just me. I do that all the time.
Apparently, Bob is having “trouble talking to Beastie and Sutton about anything.” That’s probably because they both know you and want you to leave them alone. “It’s like talking to your drunk uncle who comes to Thanksgiving every year. It sucks.” So do you, so get over it, Bob. Sutton is certainly acting aloof, but it’s just because he wants to play and that's it, not promote any more. Totally understandable. I’m just psyched to see everyone pissed at Bob. Heh.
So SOULCRACKER gets to their bonus venue (CJ’s Landing) and they find out that FLICK is headlining. AP: “Yeah, I think they’re kind of being dicks, but I don’t really care.” Yeah, okay, AP. Like you guys wouldn’t do the same thing if given the opportunity. Threck off, you schmap. Beastie: “It’s fine that they’re playing here, but the past couple days it’s been kinda like ‘shoo, FLICKERSTICK, shoo. Leave us alone.’” Oh, I see how it is, Toothy McBababooey. Because you guys don’t bug them at all. Oops, my bad. Yes, you do. So shut it. Oh, yeah. One more thing. You are a bad singer. And what I mean by that is that you should not ever sing. Just go home. Any old cow, during their set, AP and Bob tell everyone to go to their venue that evening to catch their second show. Sutton thinks this is a bit of a “dick move,” and I agree. “That was pretty low-class and it pissed me off.” I’m with you, dude. For real.
FLICK shows up at CJ’s Landing right after CRACK leaves. They sound good, as is to be expected at this point. Everyone in the crowd loves them. Damn, they rock. They are better than SOULCRACKER in every possible way. Except for the syphilis. But that’s something totally different.
Chimene has met some millionaire (who decided he would rather his face be blurred out), and he’s buying her drinks in the hotel bar. The other girls come down and convince him to let them play a private show for him up in their room. He ends up paying them $250 (which is more than the other bands made at their shows), and they actually sound pretty good unplugged. Amanda’s voice is really nice when she doesn’t have to scream into a microphone. She has good pitch and her voice has a nice timbre. Color me impressed! Now that I look at Mr. Millionaire again, he kind of resembles that guy who married Darva Conger, but I can’t really tell because of that damn blob over his face. Oh, well. I guess we’ll never know.
SOULCRACKER’s playing their second show of the evening over at Nine Lives. Whatever. They don’t make any money from the door. Good, I say, good. Let them fail.
What’s that smell? It smells kinda like…like…merch!!!
FLICK -- $90
HARLOW -- $30
CRACK -- $390. Dammit.
The morning (Saturday, the last day to book shows), HARLOW receives room service from their millionaire friend in the hotel. Dude, he seriously sent them one of everything on the menu. They have so much food. I’m kind of hungry. Mmm, food. They’re psyched, man. They chow down pretty hard and look really satisfied. I am so jealous. Note to self: make friends with a millionaire or two.
Bob is talking some trash about how AP and Sutton don’t get along. Sutton: “Dude, I’ll pack the gear and you guys sell CDs, I just don’t care.” AP: “I think if everyone in this band gave it their all, we’d be unstoppable.” Dude, you already are, so get off it already. Jesus. You’re such an ass, AP. The whole “go-getter” deal is not even getting old anymore. It’s been six feet under for weeks, so let it go. Spazz.
FLICK is playing another show, and Brandin starts to talk about the camaraderie between the members of FLICK. “I feel closer to them than I ever have before. That’s winning.” Dude, totally. As we listen to them play, we see a montage of all the FLICK guys giving each other hugs and fivers and cheers and such. I wish I were in FLICKERSTICK. I could play the MPC2000. Or the triangle. Either one, really. I just wanna be down.
Some dude named Armand (whom HARLOW met in Memphis) is in town, and he and his girlfriend are throwing a party for HARLOW to play at. Amanda’s pretty excited. On their way, the HARLOWVAN runs out of gas, so now every band has had car trouble this episode. Rayshele thinks it’s hilarious. Everyone else seems none too pleased, understandably. SOULCRACKER drives by but doesn’t stop to help because they still think that HARLOW let the air out of their tires. Chimene: “Oh, thanks a lot, you guys.” Chimene, you know they’re mostly dicks. Besides, who forgot to fill the tank? You guys get free gas money.
FLICKERSTICK has decided to go out and party. Dominic sets his sights on one girls who’s dancing, and makes a B-line towards her. They talk for a bit, and he convinces her to come out with them later. “Now all I have to do is stay sober for three more hours.” Yeah, fat chance, dude.
Donny (Remember him? He’s the guy who got in the fight with Beardy McO’Beardigan last episode) saves the day by getting the girls some gas, and they’re back on the road. They get to the party (which looks really fun), and start to play. Everyone is feeling it, and they’re making four hundred clams. FLICKERSTICK catches word of this party and decides to show up. Cory: “Fletcher and his bright ideas.” Huh? Anyway, after a while, Cory starts looking for the bathroom, but apparently it’s off limits for some reason. So, in classic FLICK form, he drops trou in the hallway and pisses in the corner. Cory: “It felt good.” That’s good. We can rule out chlamydia. Brandin: “Sick bastard.” You love it, dude. Don’t talk shit like you don’t.
Brendon and Katina are back, and they’re ready to do some talking.
Ticket sales:
FLICK -- $100
HARLOW -- $400
CRACK -- $200
Merch:
FLICK -- $150
HARLOW -- $120
CRACK -- $512 (Are you kidding? This blows.)
Total tour earnings:
FLICK -- $6529
HARLOW -- $8388
CRACK -- $8959
Brendon mentions that the second battle of the bands is week, so someone’s going home. Beastie: “I’m nervous as hell.” Dom: “I think the battle of the bands is obviously our only shot at staying on this tour. If people like us, they like us. If they don’t, we’re going home.”
After Brendon and Katina leave, Dominic proceeds to barf, hook up with three different girls (none of whom are the girl he asked out earlier), barf again, and eventually stumble to the van to go home. As they take off, Brandin rides the top of the van, giving total props to Teen Wolf. They are awesome. I want in.
Chimene is bitching, rightfully. “I hate ASSCRACKER. They always win and nobody likes them.” That about wraps it up for me. She’s right, though. Nobody likes them. They don't even like each other at this point.
Um, why is Rex driving? He’s wasted. Whatever. They get back to the hotel, and Brandin tucks Dominic into bed (after Dom hocks this nasty boot-loogie onto the floor). Fletcher, Rex, and Cory lie down together on the floor in the hallway. Dude, they’re wrecked.
Apparently, Beastie thinks that SOULCRACKER is the best band on this tour. He is clearly mistaken. “FLICKERSTICK has definitely been lucky on this tour. I think they may have a possibility of staying on.” Shut up, dude. They are a good band. That’s why they won the battle last time, and that’s why they’re totally going to win again.
Amanda: “We’re going home in a week.” We’ll see.
week: Sutton and Bob play spin the bottle, all the bands have internal beef of some kind, and someone’s going home. I can’t wait. Be there or -- be there. No option this time. ‘Til then!