Okay, no opening montages of bands waking up today. Just Brendon and Katina. They want to rub FLICK's failure in their faces once more:
Total Tour Earnings:
FLICK: $5382
HARLOW: $6008
GOD-A.P.-SUCKS: $6650
Apparently, the town is New Orleans. Everyone seems pretty psyched. Chimene: "Time to get nothing done in New Orleans!" Fletcher: "Except go to a lot of strip clubs." Hmm.
Car banter:
HARLOW. Rebecca is ready to give up and just go to FLICK shows. Amanda: "I think everyone's forgetting what this is all about. It's not about the fucking competition. We fucking rock, and I'm not about to storm out of some venue just because some guy's being a fucking jerk. We wake up at, like, eight at night, and we go out and make friends, and we've gotten really far. I'm really proud of us." As well you should be. I would be pretty proud of my band if we sucked rocks and still beat out FLICK. It's astonishing, really.CRACK. Ramsey: "'No girlfriends on the road' is a pretty important rule. I made an exception this time." Apparently, Ramsey is planning to have his girlfriend come to New Orleans. I would care if I cared. But I don't, because we've heard Ramsey say about three words all season. Whatever. Slutton's girlfriend is coming, too. Bob: "There's nothing harder than being in a band and having a girlfriend, or being in a band with somebody who has a girlfriend." Oh, poor forlorn Bob. Not. No sympathy for you!
FLICK. Rex: "Our club is a metal club." Brandin: "On a Friday night? That place is gonna be full of metalheads, man!" Ya think, Brandin? Everyone seems vexed.
All the bands arrive in New Orleans, and SOULCRACKER decides to check out their venue, Carrollton Station. Sutton is getting seriously annoyed with AP: "He seems to approach everyone with this air of superiority. 'Check this out, we've got this awesome show coming up...'" I have to say, I agree. I think AP is starting to suck more and more with each episode. It's a strange phenomenon, because the more AP bugs me, the less Beastie does. I can't explain it. Regardless, AP does, in fact, suck ass. Sutton: "Tonight we can tie him down to his bed and give him a pink belly all night." Sounds like a plan. Can I get in on that?
HARLOW is already loving New Orleans. Rebecca: "We didn't really fit in in Memphis, but once we got here, Amanda turned to me and said, 'We're gonna win New Orleans.'" I wouldn't hold my breath, because your band sucks, but I'm glad you're having fun. Amanda meets Laura, a New Orleans native (and also lesbionic in the most fabulous way). She happens to be the club manager, and hangs out with HARLOW into the wee hours. Amanda: "I was just thinking, 'Wow, she's really hot. We're gonna go get drunk and have a lot of fun.'" Drunk? In New Orleans? Go on! Laura wants to know whether they're going to be the "bad girls of the documentary. That would be so fun!" Riiiigghhtt. They're getting mighty close.
FLICK is in a strip club, surprise, surprise-not-it's- not-a-surprise- at-all. Rex: "Dominic has to go to strip clubs, which I don't understand. It's not sexuality, it's commerce. They want your money, not you." ["What?! That's not really true, is it?" -- Wing Chun] Quick shot of Rex uncomfortably introducing himself to one of the strippers. Then a shot of Dom getting danced on. Fletcher: "There's Dominic, lying on the dance floor, one girl sitting on his face, another straddling him. I was like, 'Okay, now we're in Nyahlins.'" Dom: "We had fun." Giggle. Oh, Dom, please.
CRACK has lined up a late-night gig at some place called Snake Jakes or something. They sound like poo and nobody listens, which naturally puts a smile on Mr. Stupidhead's face. Sutton: "There would be a few people listening at a time, and those people really liked us." Or they were just being polite. Afterwards, CRACK is walking back to the van, and Beastie points out a dead rat that he flyered. "Yeah, I just told him 'we're playing at the Hanta Virus Inn.'" That's actually pretty funny. You see? Why is Beastie, of all people, making me laugh. He shouldn't be. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.
Quick merch update before the commercial:
FLICK: $20
HARLOW: $30
SOULCRACKER: $105
Dude, ever since DODES left the show, the commercials have gotten longer by at least two minutes. Looks like the BOTR post-production team is getting a bit lazy. Buck up, campers!
So HARLOW's on the radio, once again. Rebecca: "We're all caught up in this machine, and whether we like it or not, I'm still gonna call up radio stations and book interviews." Dude, you know what must kind of suck about being in HARLOW? Whenever they do a radio show, they never get comments like, "We really dig that song 'Blue Lie'" or "You guys rock." They always get, "You guys are beautiful" and "I'm really digging the whole chick thing." Is it really so fascinating that they're female and play in a rock band? And it's like, even if they're music did indeed rock, these low-life early-morning radio "personalities" would still not even think to mention it. "Chick thing?" Get a life, dude.
Bonus, bonus, bonus! The winning band gets to play on a Bourbon Street balcony, and, as usual, a hundred and fifty beans. They also get an open bar while they play. The bands have to meet up at some place called Razzoo on Bourbon Street to get further instructions. HARLOW gets the news during their radio interview, which sucks for them. They can't win now. Fletcher wants to go right now: "Free booze?!" Heh.
Amanda doesn't feel like doing it at all. "Playing to a bunch of drunk, white, male tourists...I just didn't feel up to that sort of humiliation." Um, whatever. It's money and free booze. Just try for once, dammit! Chimene: "The whole 'equipment moving' thing is a real pain in the ass." What? That is such a lazy-ass thing to say. My god, you are in a band. Moving equipment is part of the job. Buck up, camper!
Over at Razzoo, Brandin and AP are shooting the shit. Brandin: "HARLOW isn't coming." AP: "Why not?" Brandin: "I think they got something else lined up." AP: "Once I heard 'free drinks,' I knew you guys would be all over it." Brandin gives him the "yeah, okay, you got me: we like to drink, you butthole, you reek like a septic tank" look, which makes me nearly pee myself. Awesome.
Okay, so the bands have to persuade a stranger to give them some Mardi Gras beads, and they have to hang them on the door of 232 Bourbon Street. First band wins performance blah blah blah.
Dominic gets some beads, but naturally, he's already wasted so he starts running in circles. Bob: "I heard some screaming and I look over and I see Dominic with some beads in his hands running down the street, and I'm like, 'Shit.'" Bob, don't shut up. Just die. Can't you let them have just one stinking break? You're beating them by well over $1200. You can't just show a little mercy and lighten up and enjoy yourself? You're such a dick. Dicky McDickdick. Dicker O'Dickegan. Bob, I've said a few times, and I'll say it again. You. Smell. Like. Poo. You are poo, Bob.
Beastie: "I showed my tits to some ladies and they threw some beads down. I have a pretty nice rack." Again with the funniness, Beastie. You see, the funny thing is that Beastie doesn't really have mammaries, but that's what makes the joke, completes the cycle! It's truly incredible, better than Cats. Not. I never saw Cats. ["I did. And I never saw this episode, but that little anecdote there that you just wrote was miles better than Cats." -- Wing Chun]
Anyway, Bob gets the beads, and because he's such a competitive little jerk, he sprints and beats Dominic by a hair. Not. That really sucks. SOULCRACKER should go to hell. Except Sutton. And I guess Ramsey, even though his silence sometimes makes him seem slightly evil. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Shut up, Bob. Funny scene, though, just because you get to watch the boom guy running after Dominic as fast as he can.
Bam! HARLOW is getting dinner at Emeril's, and they're so amped that they skipped the bonus opportunity. They get invited to eat in the kitchen, and the food looks so good. While they're leaving, a bunch of people ask what's going on and buy $150 worth of merch. Becks: "Not only did we make up the money we lost for not doing the bonus opportunity, but that night was honestly the highlight of the tour for me." Nice one, dude. That rules.
SOULCRACKER has decided to visit what Beastie calls a "haven of good Christian ethics and values," a.k.a. a strip club. "SOULCRACKER doesn't take many breaks, but that was one of them." AP: "I'm gonna go look at boobies." "Boobies"? Come on, dude. I mean, really. Boobies? Jeez. ["Hee hee. 'Boobies.'" -- Wing Chun] "If heaven existed but God didn't live there, that's pretty much New Orleans." Whatever, dude. Obviously you've never been to Bob's Plumbing and Gift Shop in South Dakota.
FLICKERSTICK is talking shit in their room always getting the crappy clubs and that HARLOW "always has an explanation for why they didn't win this and why SOULCRACKER is winning." According to Brandin, HARLOW has been talking some shit about kicking ass. Rex: "Yeah, you kick our asses, and I'll show you how to play a minor chord." Bwa ha ha! That's hilarious. Dude, I love Rex. He's pulled out some good zingers in the past couple of episodes. Everyone has a good, hearty laugh, including yours truly.
Rayshele thinks that the key to the competition is to meet "that one fabulous person in each town. Here, we were fortunate enough to meet Laura [Amanda's flavor of the day]." True. Rebecca: "Oh, yeah, she's great!" Fair enough.
So, CRACK is playing their stupid balcony gig, and everyone's paying attention and crap, which makes me pissed. Sutton's and Ramsey's girlfriends show up, and they're both kind of cute. Sutton is "prepared to have a lot of fun the few days." Good for him. While they play, a bunch of Rando Calrissians start flashing "boobies" for beads (a custom I'm not so sure I understand). They finish their set. I'm glad it's done.
HARLOW is getting wasted with Laura. All these guys keep hitting on Amanda and Laura, and they're not having it. They're totally into each other, which is actually kind of cute. They're having fun. Everyone starts saying that partying is a "way of life for HARLOW." Rayshele: "Me and Chimene [sic] go out every other night, if not every night." You should be proud. "Amanda can party to the state of oblivion." Yeah, like she's not there to begin with. Amanda: "I need a good night's sleep." Yes, you do that.
So Beastie and AP are walking around, and they bump into a couple of girls from the show. Turns out one of them is Kelley from The Real World New Orleans. She asks him whether he's straight (tee hee), and AP replies, "Yes, but I'm actually a woman. Sorry!" Just kidding, unfortunately. He says no, so she asks him to prove it. So he jams his tongue down her throat, something I did not ask to see at all. Apparently, Kelley thinks she knows all of the "tricks of the trade" as far as television is concerned. Somehow, I highly doubt it. If that were true, would you be caught (consciously, I might add) frenching AP (which actually stands for Ann Patricia) on camera? The answer is no. You would not. I actually didn't watch a single episode of RW New Orleans, but Kelley seems a bit annoying, because then she waxes horny and starts doing this whole exhibitionist sexual cry thing for AP. Nice tricks, Kelley. Minus the "nice tricks" part. Then again, she did get on television. Color me impressednot.
Merch!
FLICK: $80
HARLOW: $221
CRACK: $250
Not. I'm so sick of seeing them win. It sucks.
Speaking of sucking, Bob mentions that "having the girlfriends around is really affecting people's attitudes about reaching our goal." Yeah, dude. There's no "girlfriend" in "teamwork." Jerk. You're so jealous. Sutton is so happy she's there; why can't you just be psyched for him?
Over at the Dixie Tavern, FLICK is getting ready for their show. Brandin and Fletcher have some distant family in town, who all seem awesome. Then we get a montage of photos from the brothers' youth, when they were stage performers. We even get a shot of Brandin and Fletcher in high school, wearing tucked-in buttondowns and jeans (ew). Brandin's skin is totally clear, and they both have NKOTB body waves. Weird. Apparently, their father toured with Debbie Reynolds in the '70s, so they were raised in a performance atmosphere. Brandin: "My father and I are very close. I hope he's aware that the things I do every day, the things I write about, have to do with him." Aw.
Over at The Boot, Soulcracker (they no longer deserve the effort of caps) is warming up for their show. AP says something, but I'm so uninterested in what he has to say at this point that I just zone out. Screw him and his lame band. FLICKERSTICK RUUUUUUUUUUULES!
So HARLOW's opening act is a troupe of men in armor who fight one another. It's actually quite funny. Amanda: "There's nothing like violence to get a crowd excited." I'm gonna have to agree. That is, if your band sucks, which it does, so carry on.
FLICK's opening act, on the other hand, is the worst stand-up comic ever. Rex: "The unfunny comedian? The guy who decided to be a comedian fifteen minutes before he went on stage?" Yeah, that's the one. Seriously, this guy is terrible. He's telling Wal-Mart jokes, and as if his content weren't already shit, his delivery is totally rank. Rex: "He was like, 'Y'all know what's funny? I don't know either!'" True, Rex, true.
Over at HARLOW's show, there's one token drunk guy dancing in front for the cameras, and everyone else looks like they're trying to keep down lunch. But Amanda thinks it was "really electric in the room." Whatever.
FLICK is playing, and they sound really good, like they always do. They rock. Rex (who's very talkative today): "Our sound is lighter and this was definitely a hard-rock club. But we ended up having one of our best shows." Brandin and Fletcher relatives seem impressed. Nice.
Nobody's at Crack's gig. I don't care. They sound shitty. Beastie is totally extraneous, and he's a bad singer. Kelly, Sutton's girl, is "really proud of him. He's a great performer, and he's got such a great disposition, all the time." Okay.
At the after-party, Dominic and Beastie start getting ripped and emotional. Beastie confesses that he formed an unfair prejudgment about FLICK. Dominic: "When I met you guys, I really liked you." Beastie feels like shit now. Dominic: "It's make-up time, come on!" They hug. Aw. Okay, Beastie. You've got your caps back, but tell the rest of SOULCRACKER they'd better watch it. Beastie: "It was the first time I talked to him as I would have outside a competition." Aw. Dominic's the best. He's so easygoing, even though he looks like a brute. So, FLICK and CRACK get together and arm-wrestle. Yeah, you read me. This is the first time I've seen CRACK this wasted. They should do it more often 'cause they're much more interesting this way. Dominic overpowers Bob by a long shot, but Beastie wastes Cory. When he wins, he asks Cory whether he has a vagina. Tee hee! It's good to see them getting along, even though you know there's still raging tension underneath. I mean, arm-wrestling? Come on, now.
Time to find out how everyone did.
Ticket sales:
FLICK: $240
HARLOW: $516
CRACK: $205Merch:
FLICK: $232
HARLOW: $652
CRACK: $536Total:
FLICK: $5854
HARLOW: $7176
CRACK: $7535
Rebecca and Fletcher come up with a scheme to overpower CRACK. Rebecca says that HARLOW will throw the battle of the bands if FLICK helps them get into first place. Interesting....
Amanda and Laura are in bed, and Cory is trying to get a piece of both. Everyone is wasted and confused. Weird.
Bob seems to think that if the girlfriends came to the city with them, he would have to "put his foot down." Whatever.
Fletcher is blubbering over the phone to Angel, his fiancée. "It's rough to keep relationships on the road, you know? I miss her and my son. This is the best thing in the world and at the same time it's the worst thing in the world." Wow, dude, that was deep. "I don't know whether I'm in Heaven or Hell." I've got a pretty good feeling which.
week: Dominic gets spanked; HARLOW rages all night long and does a radio interview still drunk the morning; AP pisses everyone off; Cory gives Leann a not-so-gentle Heisman; and Fletcher sparks a bar brawl. Don't miss it, folks!