Props of course to Sars, Wing, and Glark. Additional daps to Ominous B. Lirken, Mac Tingly, and the one and only Doctor Baltimore. Word.
Okay, listen. "Three real, unsigned bands are about to hit the road to wage rock-and-roll war. They don't know where they're going. They don't know where they're playing. They only know that today they must be at Venice Beach, CA at 10:00 AM." Rock-and-roll war?
BRRRRROOOOOOOOWWWWGGGGGAAAAAYYYYYYY.
So we're at Venice Beach all of a sudden, meeting "SOULCRACKER" (who shall heretofore be referred to as "BUTTCRACKER" or perhaps just "BUTTSTRIPE" or "SUCKBAND"). Actually, no, these guys seem cool. They at least seem to know what they're doing. They've been together for eight years. Eight. And they're still unsigned? Whatever. Apparently, they formed in San Diego in 1993.
And it's time to meet Beastie. Yes, that's right. BEASTIE --NOT! WHO NAMES THEIR KID BEASTIE? Sars thinks he looks like Baba Booey. True, Sars, true. Beastie is the singer for BUTTSTRIPE, and he totally looks like Gary from Howard Stern. But regardless, he considers himself the "anti-hero" of the group. He receives no argument from this peanut gallery. "I'm not cool." Totally, Baba Beastie, and by "not cool" you mean totally cool, right? I know you do. Shut up, Beastie.
And here's Sutton (26, singer/songwriter, 36-24-36, likes walks on beaches, et cetera). According to Beastie, "as a person, he's a total mess." First of all, Sutton seems kinda like the coolest guy on this show. Second of all, Beastie, you should probably shut up. Fafaflooey.
Bob, the 27-year-old drummer, seems to think, "You can't play bars forever." You're right, Bob. Whatever -- Bob's boring. He's a good drummer, though.
A.P., the twenty-six-year-old bass player whom Sutton refers to as the "jackass" of the band (every band's got one), seems to think everyone in the band is an attention hound. Well, let's think about that. You're in a band. On VH1. No more recapping time for you, A.P., my not-so-fine and not-so-feathered not-friend.
Ramsey (whose name is Ramsey. Why?) is not all so much of an attention beeotch. "It's not really my personality to be really flamboyant." No comment. Ramsey (why?) plays guitar and is 26.
But enough of that. It's time to meet FLICKERSTICK (a.k.a. "FLICKERDICK," "LITTLEDICK," "NIPPLESHIT," or of course "YOUSUCK"). These guys formed in Dallas in 1997.
The first guy we meet is Cory. Cory looks really pissed all the time, even when he's not. He looks kind of like a prick. He's psyched, though: "We're gonna drink, we're gonna party, we're gonna meet chicks. If you don't want that, then why the hell are you in a band?" Touch, Cory. You win this time. Oh yeah, Cory plays guitar, is 26, and is looking for someone who won't smother him. ["He also enjoys old movies and impersonating that guy from Satanicide." -- Sars]
Brandin ("It's not a typo," says Arnold S.) is the really "creative" and "artistic" singer of the group ("We're all artistic. We're in a band!" snaps Cory. "Easy there, Surly McPissface," says Mr. Stupidhead). There's something that sucks about Brandin. Oh, yeah. His hair. ["And his face. Did he have a nose job that went wrong? He's just soelfin." -- Sars] Brandin's brother
Fletcher plays the bass. He seems to like it. He's okay at it. Fletcher doesn't have much to say. Yet (mwa ha ha ha ha ha not). He's 24. Woohoo.
Rex is 32, married (which he keeps bringing up, and it's like, "Dude.dude, noseriously though, like, I'm married, don't you get it, dude, it's like, yeah."), and doesn't like anybody anywhere. He seems really bitter: "I have a wife and two dogs. I'm they guy added on to make Brandin a rock star 'cause he didn't have to play guitar anymore." Huh? Rex, you're such a little whiner. But you're really tall, so you're actually just a big old whiner. Shut up, Whiney O'Complaineggan. You knew what you were getting yourself into. Don't be such a piece of poo. Rex is my least favorite so far. But we haven't met HARLOW yet.
Dominic (drummer, 30) is "an animal." He can drink his own weight in Bacardi 151, likes to get laid (which Rex is appalled by), and can "beat the hell outta those drums." He is a good drummer, but he is definitely a raging hog beast. He's revolting, and he looks like he smells like a hockey bag.
Time to meet HARLOW, a.k.a. "WHORELOW" (tm Sutton of BUTTCRACKER), "FARTBLOW," or "GOTHTRON 5000." Oh, yes, that's right. I went there. So, these girls basically just learned how to play their instruments yesterday afternoon. They're all kinda goth-y, and they don't sound very good at all. But considering...