I was hoping to find out that since the last time I recapped a show in The Bachelor universe that maybe the producers or viewers had come to their senses -- well, not their full senses, because that would mean the show was cancelled and the creators prosecuted at some kind of cultural crimes against humanity war tribunal -- I was hoping that maybe for once this show would just be an hour because I've found that since I moved to the East Coast that the show is on so late that I am very tired when I'm finished recapping it, as opposed to when I lived out west and was just very disappointed with humanity in general when I finished an episode.
But no, it's two hours for no satisfactory reason that has ever been given to anybody, so I guess I'll just settle in for the duration. I haven't watched this show all season, because I refuse to watch it when I'm not being paid to do so. It is an excellent rule, except for the part where you think about it a little bit and conclude that I am some kind of television whore, and not the kind of television whore that appears on this show. Let's just move on.
So: previously on this show, Ashley gets laryngitis and climbs into bed because there is a man named Bentley who left her with a dot-dot-dot, and she needs closure or else she might never find love. She says she wants a clean break, and Chris Harrison is going to work his ass off to make that happen, but we'll quickly find out they're both lying.
And I understand that there previously a man in a mask who dared to ask the question: Is there any way to make a contestant on this show even less likeable? Answer: surprisingly, yes.
The sun is an orange gobstopper in the sky over Hong Kong, which Ashley says is one of her favorite cities she's ever been to, which kind of makes it sound like it doesn't measure up so well when Ashley ranks all the places she's never been to, which I assume includes imaginary places like Pretty Pony Island and the Land of a Thousand Sincere Gentlemen. There is a shot of Ashley standing still while sped-up camera work shows the hustle and bustle of Hong Kong all around her, all patronizingly stranger-in-a-strange-land. In the previews, Ashley said she wanted a "clean break" from Bentley, by which she apparently meant that she was going to talk about him as much as possible. And as I understand it, it's not like he even left on the last episode, but the one before the last episode, right? Isn't the Bachelorette supposed to spend an inordinate amount of time mooning over the Bachelor who jilted her in the last season? OK, bad example with the last sorry specimen being Brad and not someone you would waste more than five minutes pining for, but you take my point.
Chris Harrison surfaces from his sordid world of hookers and blow and long hot showers to wash the shame off, to welcome the surviving bachelors to some sort of rooftop, and he weirdly has to coax them to come closer to him, like they're worried he's going to pitch them over the railing and send them to a painful death below, which you'd think would be one of the classier ways to exit this show. He finally gets them over by repeating "Dudes. Duuuudes. It's OK, dudes" over and over, soothingly, until they trust him to nibble chicken fingers out of his palm.
He tells the guys that they've literally traveled around the world, and he says it like we're supposed to be impressed these guys are so dedicated to finding love that they're willing to let someone else fund a globetrotting vacation for them, and all they have to do is pretend to be into Ashley.
While Harrison tells the guys to check in to their hotel, Ashley moans some more about how she doesn't know if she'll ever get over "this Bentley thing." She gets out her Note Tote and stares at the bubbly heart with "Ashley plus Bentley 4ever" lovingly scripted inside it. While she moons around her hotel suite, Harrison shows up to surprise her, or as a big a surprise as it can be when you have a camera crew set up in your hotel room.
Harrison tells her that since she won't fucking shut up about Bentley (I'm paraphrasing and interpreting here) they've "reached out" to Bentley. Not in the mob sense that they killed Bentley but that Bentley wants to talk to her. In fact, he's here in this hotel right now, and Ashley tells Harrison to "shut up" in the "Are you kidding me, and also I'm thirteen years old" way. She takes a good thirty minutes to determine that Harrison isn't messing with her, like Harrison would ever stoop to sully the good name of The Bachelorette with such deceptions. Harrison kind of looks like he's getting annoyed with her asking him fifty times if he's kidding. He tells her that Bentley flew "literally halfway around the world" which is half as much as he said the other guys flew. Get it straight, Harrison!
Despite the fact that she has not shut up about Bentley, she says she needs to think about it. Harrison says dot-dot-dot again, which I assume must be a cherished addition to the Bachelorette drinking game by this point. Is it that they don't know it's called an ellipsis? Or is Bentley really into Morse code? Ashley says vagueness is no good and she needs to figure out if things are real, and then she says closure again, and Harrison, international pimp of mystery, gives her Bentley's room number. If Harrison really wanted to help Ashley get over this, shouldn't he just show her the clips of Bentley talking about how much hotter Emily is than she is?
Ashley lies back on the couch. "I can't believe this," she says, and if I were her I'd immediately send about fifty pizzas to Bentley's hotel room. All laced with strychnine and basted in the tears of recrimination and regret.
There's a commercial break so we can ALL steel ourselves for the drama about to ensue, or at least take some Gravol. And then Ashley tells us that she feels the same way as when Bentley left by which she presumably means she's confused and entranced by shiny things, and also probably tired? She needs to get to a place where she can be happy, but what that has to do with Bentley is left unexplained.
She goes to his door and stands there for a few moments ("It'll really ratchet up the drama!" a producer must have told her). And then she knocks. "Who is it?" asks Bentley, like a douchebag, because he has a peephole in his door. He opens it, and they kiss, and she expects amazement at how nice his room is, a room that looks exactly like hers.
She asks him if he comes here often, like maybe this is just a coincidence, and he said calling her was "too easy," whatever that means, so he flew "around the world," like what is the emphasis on how far these morons have flown?
After some painful small talk, Ashley says his leaving was really hard for her, and he calls that a "reaffirmation" of how they were on the same page, and he reminds her that he invited her to come to Salt Lake to see if things would work out, and she refers to the dot-dot-dot which she says isn't fair to her. No, Ashley demands a guarantee that their relationship would work out in real life. Also, is he saying the fact that it hurt when he left proves how good they are together and not that he's an asshole?
The more Ashley talks -- and specifically, the more she continues to bother to give Bentley any amount of time at all -- the dumber she sounds. I mean, seriously. He acknowledges the fact that him being home means it doesn't look good for them. Oh, and he implores her to explore what she's got here, which is big of him, giving her permission she doesn't require. She says this is their "period" but not without saying "dot-dot-dot" again, and she gets mad at him for some reason that is probably not the reason she should be, and she says "mission afuckingcommplished" because -- oh, I didn't quite catch it.
And then she wants to know why he came all the way here instead of just calling her, and he tries a half-hearted "I wanted to see you" but finally Ashley is seeing through him and leaves, and she tells us that she can't believe she wasted so much time on Bentley. When someone who's gone on The Bachelor/ette not once but twice has decided you are a waste of time -- well, you fucked up. Tellingly, we don't get any talking head with Bentley so he can enlighten us on his actual motivation, which probably amounts to something like, "Actually killing puppies is illegal, so this is the best thing." "Bentley, if you're watching this, fuck you, I'm done with you," Ashley tells us. You know how on Springer or Maury Povich or some other trafficker in human misery you get the woman who confidently says that if it turns out the lie detector test proves her man has cheated on her for an eighth time, she's definitely leaving this time? That's what this is like, only somehow more depressing. Thank god that's the last we're going to hear about Bentley! "So this morning was not what I expected at all. Bentley--" Goddammit.
Anyway, Ashley's excited to see to see the guys, although she's not sure if she's ready to tell the guys what happened. She figures maybe she'll address them individually. Because that's the only way they'll be able to handle hearing about the rejection of Bentley?
So the date card shows up, and Ryan P. tells us that he, Lucas and Blake are the only ones who haven't had a one-on-one date. This one goes to Lucas, who the other guys seem to call Big Tex, presumably for shower-based reasons, who seems a little concerned about spending his time in Hong Kong, since he's never even been to New York.
So they go to Kowloon, which is apparently known for its neon signs, which fits in with my theory that Ashley is inordinately distracted by bright shiny objects, and unfortunately there is way too much talk about all her Bentley closure, the kind of closure that means you can still fucking blather on about a person that you're supposedly over.
Lucas manages not to wet his pants over all the culture shock, and he says some suspiciously post-Bentley-apropos statements like it seems she's got a different glow about her.
They go for dinner on a junk boat, and he tells us that he wants to dance with her, get his first kiss, and get a rose. How nice to see that the emphasis on the kiss -- and all the immunities and riches it would seem to bestow -- is still alive on this show. By this point, any talk of kissing should only come after everyone drinks a bottle of Purell, but I don't see that happening.
Awkward laughing and small talk, with Lucas asking how she's handling anything. Is she confident? "I think I'm as confident as I can be," says Ashley, with no apparent grasp of the irony splattered on that statement like DNA on a hotel room bedspread. Ashley asks about the toughest thing he's ever been through. Some family members dying, that kind of thing, divorce. Lucas opens up about how there was a moment he knew this wasn't the girl he was meant to be with. Ashley tells him he doesn't have to talk about it, like she wasn't the one who asked him in the first place.
Back at the hotel, the guys are talking with Ryan and Blake about not having a one-on-one date. Blake says he doesn't appreciate being lumped in with Ryan, because... oh, I'm going to figure no one likes Ryan because he doesn't spend all his time figuring out various ways to call someone "bro."
The group date card arrives, and it is for Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames and Blake. "Let's get our hearts racing, love Ashley." I hope this is some sort of metaphor for cocaine abuse but it's obviously going to mean an actual race, which is much less interesting.
Back on the junk, Ashley is saying inane things like how she's learned that Lucas is a real guy, and she also has some questions about some things, so she really wants him to accept the rose or whatever the hell. They share a quick smooch on the lips. "Was that our first kiss?" asks Lucas, who then insists on another kiss, the kind that involves her grabbing her chin. He feels glad he's on this journey, and he's on cloud nine, while Ashley says Lucas makes her feel like a woman, and she uses the non-word "manlihood." She's so happy about how everything's turning out, and she thinks she's on her way to finding her husband here.
So it's the day, and you're over Bentley, right? "These guys are so great, and now that I've put Bentley--" Goddammit.
Anyway, they're going dragonboat racing. Blake says he doesn't know a thing about dragonboat racing, like he's not sure what this "racing" means, or what "dragonboats" are. Could they have anything to do with the boats nearby on the beach with the dragon figureheads? Well, it's certainly a mystery and I hope Blake figures it out soon.
So the teams are (and we get cheap graphics on screen complete with dragons heads) Ben and Constantine (blue team), Blake and Ryan (naturally together -- the red team), and Ames and Mickey, the "black bandits," with Ashley curiously emphasizing "black." That actually made me realize the unsurprising whitewash yet again of Bachelorette contestants once again. I haven't watched any episodes -- did the premiere have at least a couple of minorities so the producers can make "We swear we're not racists!" argument? But the boats need to be powered by more than just two morons and the stench of Axe, so the teams have one hour to recruit at least six more people for their boats.
So now they're harassing the unlucky people on the streets of Hong Kong. "We're going for all dudes here, right?" says either Mickey or Ames, and yes, that is usually the assumption made about more than a few contestants every season. They very quickly luck into several actual dragonboat racers, and I kind of wonder if this would be like if they came to Canada and then had an hour to put together a hockey team. Blake and Ryan find a translator, and things snowball from there, with Blake grudgingly admitting that Ryan's annoying energy seems actually to come in handy. Meanwhile, Ben and Constantine are finding it difficult to kidnap people to be on The Bachelorette. "Our charm obviously doesn't translate," says Constantine. On the contrary -- I think it's coming across exactly accurately.
In the end, the two of them put on red robes, which we're then expected to believe acted like flames for moths, and the three teams then march on to the beach while Ashley hoots at them. Ames sniffs that they're not here to look flashy but to win the race and get closer to Ashley. Mickey says a bunch of contradictory statements like they're here to have fun, and they're here to win, and it's not about the rose, but there's a rose up for grabs.
So the race is on, with one person sitting in the prow banging the drum to keep the rhythm for the rowers. Ashley fulfils that duty for Blake and Ryan's team, with all the rhythm of a junior high school dance. Meanwhile, Ben and Constantine have discovered that their chant, which they thought translated to either "Eat it" or "Edith" actually translates to "idiot." I find all of that incredibly implausible, and I'm also curious as to why they thought "Eat it" or "Edith" was supposed to be inspiring. You can also email me to tell me what the slogan actually was but I'm going to ignore it and continue to believe it was "Edith" or "Eat it." I'm also curious why the blue team decided to wear red robes, but then it's not like Ben and Constantine's presence in Hong Kong means an empty chair at the Mensa meetings in their hometowns.
Far ahead are Mickey and Ames, although Ryan and Blake are making a race of it. The blue team eventually gives up, with the bachelors singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" while the Hong Kong folks behind them repress the urge to swat them with the oars. Mickey shamelessly crows that their strategy paid off, so I guess "accidentally lucking into finding a team of dragonboat racers" is a strategy.
So the bachelors and Ashley settle onto the beach to chill, and then suddenly there is much happy wailing and screaming down the beach, where a couple has suddenly gotten engaged. "Somebody just got engaged in front of us!" says Ashley, who acts like she just saw Halley's comet in terms of how rare this is. Of course, most of her experience with marriage proposals comes from this show, so I suppose I can understand why she acts like she just spotted Sasquatch. And then she goes and tells us that she's taken a huge step forward by putting closure on the whole Bentley -- never mind.
"Today was such a great group date. Ever since my talk with Bentley--" holy fuck, Ashley!
Anyway, the group goes to a bar that's all black and blue and green, with Ashley saying there's good energy, and all the idiots are looking forward to spending time with her. Ames says he thinks his relationship with Ashley is totally unique. I'll forgive the "totally unique" because he actually said "Ashley and my" instead of "Ashley and I's"! Talk about Halley's comet! He takes her aside so they can go up the elevator to the 48th floor but by the 10th floor he's shoved his tongue down her throat because he takes all his romance tips from Aerosmith, and he's living it up while they're going down. Or in this case, up. "Where did that come from?" she says, pleasantly surprised and going in for more -- at least until they're interrupted by someone who's looking to get on the elevator, at least until he sees all the rutting going on and flees.
Ames says he's totally falling for Ashley, and his head is spinning for good reasons, not for muay thai boxing concussion-related reasons, although I'd argue that the muay thai reasons make much more sense. Ashley is so pleased with how things are going that she reminds us about how she is over Bentley, in case we forgot since the last time she mentioned him thirty seconds ago. Jesus, that sexual assault in the elevator really seems to have turned her on.
So they look out over the city skyline, and they don't make out, because they probably want to wait until they're back in the elevator so they can make everybody uncomfortable.
Back at the hotel, the remaining idiots are discussing who they think is going home, with J.P. saying that if Ryan gets a rose he's jumping off the 61st floor. Is this one of those things where a lot of these guys are angry at Ryan because they're actually in love with him and their feelings frighten and anger them? Because all I've seen so far is that Ryan is relentlessly chipper, and while I can see how that could be aggravating, it doesn't quite square with the guys' mutterings that they want Ashley to see Ryan for who he really is. The doorbell rings, and J.P. goes to get it and orders Lucas to read it because he's anxiously expecting another one-on-one date, and that's what he gets. "J.P. Let's take a peek into our future. Ashley." J.P. says it's been a long time since their last one-on-one date and he's really excited, and he quaffs his wine all excited-like.
Over on the group date there is Ben who is wearing a yellow sweater but no one demands he explain himself. He and Ashley are kissing, and he tells us that his feelings for Ashley are stronger than ever. "The biggest skeptic of all. This guy," he says, pointing at himself, his figure wiggling like a divining rod for hair that needs to be cut. They hold hands and cuddle and he tells us that the walls have come down and if he gets crushed, then that's part of it. I would recap that show for free!
So the guys have discovered a snooker table, and Blake brings Ben along (over Ryan hopping up, eagerly hoping to play) so they can talk about how angry they are over wanting to have sex with men, or at the very least, sex with a man (Ryan). Blake tells us that Ryan is really eager to get along in small doses, but he's just exuberant all the time, and by this point they're hoping Ashley sees him for what he really is. Which is, again, from what I understand, someone who's happy all the time? I think I'm missing something. Related: I don't care that I'm missing something.
Anyway, the aforementioned Ryan is chatting with Ashley, while the other guys talk about how much they hate Ryan, Blake especially, who keeps banging his "if Ashley picks Ryan, how can she possibly see anything in me, so I'll just pack up and go home" drum.
Ashley walks out of her discussion with Ryan over possible family dates and one on one dates so she can go get the rose, which is on the table in front of the other five assholes who have nothing better to talk about than how they're not at all secretly in love with Ryan, and then they all start whining after Ashley leaves and I bet Blake doesn't make good on his promise to leave. Mickey said that at this point the decisions that Ashley makes affects everyone around her. It's great that he's grasped that when Ashley gives someone a rose it means that rose doesn't go to someone else. "Some people like Cheez Whiz," Constantine tells the other guys, with the "Whiz" cut out because that fine product doesn't want its name associated with this show, but then it doesn't make sense when he follows up with he doesn't like cheese from a can. As ever on this show, I'm always entertained by the people who seem to think that because THEY don't like a contestant, the Bachelor/ette shouldn't like her/him either.
So then we skip right to Ashley's one-on-one date with J.P., which they're having right in the middle of Zodiac Park, which I guess explains the reference to taking a peek at their future ("You will leave this show with no marriage and no prospect, no matter what After the Final Rose says") and J.P. brags about being the first one to get a second date. It must be because of the sizzling energy they have together, which is about as much as an uncorked bottle of champagne on a Sunday morning. Ashley asks about the last time he cried, and it has something to do with his ex, which is always a fun date conversation subject, and this is Ashley's natural opening to tell him about everything, and she's scared about how he's going to react, especially since he's the first one she's telling. "I saw Bentley two days ago here in Hong Kong." J.P. goes all goggle-eyed, and then the screen goes black -- I'm not sure what happens. It's like City TV was about to go for a commercial break, but then didn't, and we get take two. Anyway, J.P.'s reaction seems to be, "Seriously? That's the big deal?"
As Ashley blathers on about how she didn't get great closure, all I can think about is how if I were on a date with a woman who was going on like this, this would be the exact moment that I'd figure that this would be the last time I'd go on a date with this woman. Ashley says it's because she has such strong feelings for J.P. that she can tell him these things, and J.P. thanks her for her honesty. Wow, that was a close one! I have to say: J.P. really handled the news well that for a brief moment he was competing against eight other guys instead of seven other guys. That really could have gone either way.
Anyway, Ashley picks up the rose and gives a little speech about moving forward. Then they make out and J.P. says tonight was incredible and he's now more emotionally attached than he's ever been. "We're on the right track!" he says, which naturally is paired with a shot of them riding a train that looks like it runs through the forest and skirts the city skyline, and since there are innocent people aboard I guess it's OK that the train didn't derail.
So the train stops at some place that overlooks the city so these two idiots can get drunk and talk about how awesome closure is or whatever the hell, and there's an old woman playing the Chinese two-string fiddle. Both Ashley and J.P. pretend to know what an er-hu is, and J.P. can't just admit that his favorite record is Jock Jams 3, and now Ashley is telling us all about closure again. "It needed to happen, and tonight was the reason it needed to happen," she tells us. J.P. makes her feel secure and relaxed, which she feels the need to tell us is a good feeling.
Unfortunately, thanks to the preview, we know what's coming : that Ashley, impressed with how well J.P. received the non-significant "news" that she spoke to Bentley a couple days ago, is going to break the news to the whole group, hopefully not in the hushed tones you should reserve your telling a prospective sexual partner about your herpes (although maybe?).
Ashley is riding a small motorboat out to a well-lit yacht whilst wearing a dress that instead of lifting and accentuating actually smushes and pulls apart. "I think that's Ashley," says one of the nimrods on the boat, like maybe there's another woman due to come riding up while they all stand assembled with a camera crew behind them on the "Jumbo Floating Restaurant."
Ashley feels "liberated" by telling J.P. everything that happened, which you'll recall amounted to "Bentley was here, we talked, I told him to get lost, and then I went out and got a tattoo on my lower back that is supposed to be 'Warrior Princess' but instead says 'Stupid Gwei Lo.'"
So what better time to tell the guys but now? How about never? Does it not occur to Ashley that by the fact that she's treating the nothing that happened like it's a big deal is going to completely contradict her insistence that she's achieved your amazing closureosity? Never mind. I should know by this point the futility in starting a question with "Does it not occur to Ashley..."
So the guys are all in dark jackets, and they all rise when she enters. "It's tough to take your eyes off her," says Blake. Anyway, they sit down, and Ashley rather awkwardly starts talking about how they all know it was hard for her when Bentley left, but what they didn't know is how hard it was because it was him. Boy, THAT'S what I'd love to hear from someone I'm interested in romantically! She says she completely fell for him. None of the guys seem particularly jazzed by her plucky story of heartbroken Bentley love. Maybe because she doesn't get that what they're hearing is "You didn't know it, but I was nuts about Bentley, and then he left, but then he came back, but it's OK because I'm not nuts about him anymore, which you didn't even really know I was in the first place."
Anyway, she just respects them SO MUCH and she wanted to tell them because what she's going through has made her realize what she wants in a man, and it's apparently these exact eight guys right here. Even Blake? No one says anything for a while, and then Constantine or Ben -- I don't really have them down straight -- points out that she talked a couple days ago about completely letting go of past relationships, which seems contradictory now, and Ashley scrambles, somewhat surprised that her revelation didn't kick the party into high gear. You know, high fives, hugs for Ashley, someone throws a little Kool and the Gang on to get the party started right. But you guys! Closure! Dot-dot-dot! In trying to explain it, she makes it so much worse by saying that after Bentley left that she just kept having these feelings that were getting in the way. Lucas says this is weird for him and wants to know why she didn't just get this closure earlier. I mean, not to defend Ashley, but I find it amusing the way the word "closure" gets thrown around on this fucking show like it's something you just need to put on a grocery list and then pick it up after work. "I can't tell you how good I felt after I walked out of that room," she says, which doesn't impress Lucas, because they're putting a lot on the line.
Blake piles on by pointing out that things must have actually gone horribly, because if she had these feelings for Blake and then he showed up, then that actually would have been a good thing, and Ashley is finally too discombobulated by the lack of high-fiving and man-hugs over allegedly kicking Bentley to the Hong Kong curb that she excuses herself, and J.P. defends her in an interview, calling her "selfless," by which he means, "I don't know what 'selfless' means," and "honest," by which he means "although she clearly still loves Bentley she at least seems to believe she has closure, which is the main thing."
While Ashley goes off to cry, the guys get all What The Fuck is she talking about, with J.P. sticking up for her and pointing out that Ashley didn't have to tell them anything, and that if she wanted Bentley to come back he'd be here right now. Ryan likewise seems unfazed by the -- well, "revelation" isn't exactly the right word. And then he sits down with her to cheer her up in his inimitably chipper style, only the fact that he's acknowledging that the guys' feathers are somewhat ruffled means Ashley still is going to have her sad face on.
Meanwhile, the other guys are still going on about it, with Constantine pointing out, not unreasonably, that half the time they're sitting around waiting for dates, and then this guy leaves the show and then just gets to come back. "She's wasting my fucking time," says Lucas, seething.
Now Ashley tells Ames that she was hoping everyone would see the good in it (which is what, exactly?) but seeing the way everyone reacted made her feel awful. Ames tries to come up with a way not to say, "Of course they reacted that way, you simpleton." He spouts some nonsense about life being beautiful because it's not simple, because maybe he's trying to make Ashley's head explode for trying to figure out what he's talking about. Meanwhile, Lucas appears to be trying to stir the rest of the guys into outright revolution.
After a commercial break, Lucas is still all "Attica! Attica!" while Blake whines to Ashley about how this has belittled the time that they've spent here, and Ashley starts to cry, and they hug, and no matter what she says, he's still hearing her talk about the strong connection with Bentley, and he's wondering if it's worth his while to stick around. You're not in prison, Blake.
J.P. says it's unfortunate that the other guys are making her feel bad for a decision she made, which is an interesting interpretation of the situation.
And now Mickey is sitting with her, outright accusing her of lying, and wondering what the hell she saw in Bentley, especially since the two of them haven't really been building a relationship. "If your gut is that that's what you're looking for, please send me home," he says. Ashley's shocked, and he tells her that two guys have to go home tonight, so he wants her to make him one of them. She says if that's how he feels, he should take the initiative and leave. Which is exactly what he does, and I maintain that the only dignified exit on this show is when you leave on your own terms, and the other guys toast Mickey as the boat ferries him away from the Jumbo Floating Restaurant, all of them secretly wishing they had his balls. Especially Blake, who I seem to remember saying he'd leave if Ryan got a rose (the rose Ryan is currently proudly sporting in his lapel).
So then Ashley comes over to the guys and gives a tearful apology about making them feel like defeated loser douchebags more than they should simply by dint of being on The Bachelorette in the first place, and she totters away and the guys seem a little softened up and more inclined to see things from Ashley's perspective.
Back from the break, now it's the guys who can't shut up about Bentley and closure, and J.P. lets it slip that he already knew, and he gets accused of sandbagging them, but he says he didn't feel it was his place to say anything. Plus, as he tells us, he feels that the fact she told him first "speaks volumes." Plus, as soon as his date was over he probably forgot everything and then just sat in a chair and stared until it was time for the cocktail party. Blake seems to be getting over it, although he does complain about -- as I wrote with sarcasm earlier -- finding out that instead of being in competition with seven guys, he was actually in competition with eight -- which I'd like to point out to him is still the second fewest amount of guys he has been in competition with to this point.
Then Ashley sits down for a cry with Chris Harrison, who notes that things are rough out there. She whines that she doesn't know what to do or how to do it, and Harrison says everyone's paths are different (except on The Bachelor/ette, none of them lead to marriage, so I'm not sure why she's worried about screwing things up). They talk enough for Chris Harrison to earn his paycheck but not so much that he'll have to take more than two showers to get himself clean. He says that the guys must have felt second-best tonight, which is weird, because normally this show is all about making guys feel like they're not in competition with anyone else, isn't it? They talk about -- oh, I don't know. How hard it is to be on this show and other things that aren't actually true? Let's go with that. Ashley says this is the first night she's felt how hard it is to be on this side of things.
You know, every time this show goes to commercial on City TV, the channel runs a promo for its live Bachelorette web chat, and they think they best way to entice people is to run a clip of Ashley on the beach in which she appears to be going for "sexy frolic" but instead ends up at "spastic seizure."
And now it's time for the rose ceremony, unfailingly my second-favorite part of the show (other than the credits). Three roses to hand out, with Lucas, Ryan and J.P. already safe. Ashley comes out, and says she didn't expect things to go the way they did, and she feels selfish for expecting them to feel the same relief she felt, and she's doing well until she clearly insincerely says what she feels for them is so much more than what she felt for Bentley.
So let's hand out the roses! First one goes to Ben. "Yes, ma'am," he says, when she offers it to him. Ashley takes five minutes to hand the rose to Constantine, who "absolutely" accepts it. That's when Harrison makes his beyond-parody trip out to tell everyone who lost track counting to two that this is the last rose. Does he pull this kind of shit at home? If I were Chris Harrison, I would. "Honey, kids -- that's the last piece of pizza." "Sweetheart -- that's the last roll of toilet paper. Whenever you're ready, please pick up more."
It's down to Ames -- who looks kind of constipated -- and Blake for that final rose. Ashley picks it up and spins it around, glances slightly off camera for her signal for when it's OK to stop pretending like she hasn't made a decision yet. "Ames," she says, and Blake doesn't even to leave of his own accord. Should have packed your bags back when you had the chance, Blake!
Harrison comes out says, "Blake, I'm sorry, man," and makes a duck face and walks away as Blake hugs people. For Ashley, he gives her a quick hug and a crisp "Good luck to you," and walks away. He tells us he wants someone to respect and look up to. "Basically, I want a friend," he says. "I don't know what she's after. Not me."
After he's gone, Ashley toasts the remaining bachelors and warns everyone that Taiwan is the stop on the Bachelorette Asian Desecration tour, while I make an appointment for that place that Keith Richards uses to swap out his blood with some fresh stuff every few months, and return you to the skilled hands of LuluBates.
Daniel MacEachern is a writer in Newfoundland. time there's a need for a sub on The Bachelor/ette he'll just punch himself in the face for two hours instead. Follow him on Twitter: @DanMacEachern.