Ladies and germs we have done it. We have made it through every single episode of this infernal show. We have witnessed every high five, every giggle, every tear, every awkward attempt at musical talent, every virus passed from one open mouth to another, every painful moment of wondering when (if ever) Ali was going to brush her hair. Yes, we have made it to the end of The Bachelorette. Tonight, sweet Ali will grant either Roberto or Chris the final rose, the rights to her virginity, a dowry full of goats and petticoats, and then strongly recommend that he ask her to marry him. But before we get to that momentous occasion, we must wade through 1.75 hours of montages and douche commercial-worthy cinematography. Plug your nose and jump.
For those of us who have been huffing dry cleaning chemicals, the show kicks off with a slo-motion recap of the entire season. There were the limos pulling up, eviscerating eligible bachelors more quickly than a frightened sea cucumber upchucks its own guts. There was Ali staring into the limpid pools of Roberto's eyes. There's Ali checking out her hair in Frank's ultra-shiny forehead. There's Tennessee Ty, Kreepy Kasey, The Two-Timing Wrestler, The Weatherman, Fungal Kirk, and, of course, Frank the Heartbreaker. Ah, Frank. A shiny-faced man who is so cruel that he ruined Ali's Tahitian vacation, made her give her test the limits of her waterproof mascara, and forced her to appear on camera with a runny nose and a little grey cloud hovering over her blonde head. All because Frank forgot he had a girlfriend.
But Ali managed to recover her grace and dignity with a bottle of champagne and some industrial strength under eye concealer. She recovers herself. She toasts hunky Roberto and average human being Chris and invites them to Bora Bora to meet her family and maybe, if they are lucky, be given the unique opportunity to ask her to be their wife. So who are these two contenders? Roberto is a former minor league baseballer with hot Latin looks and a snooze worthy career as a life insurance salesman. Ali claims she felt a connection with Roberto right away, but we can probably all agree that was just pheromones. Then there is a lovely montage of all the time the two have spent together and the two have gone on a lot of dates. I mean, not enough dates to, you know, GET MARRIED, but a lot for The Bachelorette. They walked on wires fifty stories up. They were strung up in The Lion King together. They spent a lot of time being suspended on wires. Clearly this is the basis of a long lasting relationship. Ali reminds us that she feels safe with Roberto, yes, even when suspended fifty stories up. She likes him! And when she woke up to him naked except for bits of candle wax and tears on that bear skin rug after their overnight date, she knew she was falling in love with him.
But, wait! There's more! There is Chris. He is from Massachusetts like Ali. He reminds her of her friends back home. Yes, the ones she gets Facebook updates from and sees once a year at Christmas. Those friends. He has a dead mom, which makes him damaged and, thus fixable, which is a quality girls just love in a guy. He has a very nice family. Ali likes to kiss him. Sometimes on his lips.
Roberto is the first bachelor to meet Ali's family. I am praying that he is not wearing the fugly clam digger pleated khaki shorts, but, of course, he is. Do they not have wardrobe assistants on that godforsaken island? They don't mention that in the tourism literature. Someone should have a serious conversation with Roberto about those damn not-short shorts. But maybe Ali sees this fashion faux pas as his one adorably fixable fault, like Chris's dead mom and seeming lack of personality. Roberto charms Ali's family by speaking Spanish and smiling at them and staring into their eyes and licking his lips. Ali's sister drags him outside for personal private tango lessons.
Inside the ocean bungalow, Ali tells her parents about how calm and peaceful Roberto makes her and how handsome he is and how good Roberto is in the sack. Well she stops herself from that last tidbit because her dad already guessed it and her mom wants to find out for herself. Ali's mom takes Roberto to the back room of the bungalow and tears up until Roberto has no choice but to take her into his muscular arms and let her inhale his man scent. Ali's mom comes away from the experience tapping her foot, singing in Spanish, and giving Roberto her stamp of approval.This approach will not work on Ali's dad. Well, I can't say that definitively. Roberto decides the best way to approach dear old dad is to embrace his patriarchal cultural heritage and go man to man with Ali's dad. He wants Ali's dad to know that family is important and that he is devoted to Ali. He then seeks Ali's dad's blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. Roberto loves his daughter and pinky swears that he has not knocked her up. Also, he has a good job. Ali's dad takes a look at Roberto's teeth and bank balance and then announces that he "doesn't have a problem with" him marrying his daughter. The whole family dances in joy over the possible new addition to the family. Ali and Roberto take a few minutes to make out in front of her family (which is all part of the mating ritual, so don't judge) and then Roberto leaves. All the ladies stare after him, enjoying the view as he goes.
Chris comes to Ali's island with a basket of fruit, because there is no Edible Arrangement outpost on Bora Bora and he was forced to just pluck some random fruits off the shrubs and chuck them in a basket not arranged or anything. He greets the family and quickly realizes, oh shit! They have their own fruit! His ineptness at presents is quickly glossed over by the fact that he, too, is a Mass-hole. The family breaks into cheers at the announcement that he is from Massachusetts and sing a few verses of the State Song and then starts chanting, "One of us! One of us!" Adding to the Up With People vibe, Chris was a math teacher and Ali's dad was a physics teacher and Ali's sister is a teacher. But wait, there's more: Ali's mom is a nurse and Chris's mom was a nurse. They are all so much a like it is like Ali is dating her own cousin!
Obviously they have to ask about Chris's dead mom and he tears up and says that his mom was the best mom ever. Ali's mom almost takes umbrage at that cutting remark, but checks herself and smiles encouragingly while rooting for Roberto. Ali's sister takes Chris outside, but doesn't make out with him even a little. Instead they just strip off their sandals and skinny-dip their bare feet in the pool. They all seem to get along well enough. Nice amiable bunch of people that don't really have the charisma necessary to make great television. Inside the four-star hut, Ali's mom truly thinks that a slow friendship-based relationship can be a great thing and maybe Ali should choose Chris and give Roberto to her mom as a Mother's Day present. Doesn't she deserve that? Doesn't she?? Ali nods and slowly backs out of the room.
Around the kitchen table, Ali and her sister explain that they used to dress up her brother in feather boas and there is a lien on her house due to outstanding therapy bills. Outside Chris thinks the day was "wicked amazing", but he is getting indigestion from trying to work up the nerve to ask Ali's dad for her hand in marriage. Or from too much fruit. Ali's dad is a bit rougher on Chris than he was on Roberto. But that's because Roberto gave him a back rub and a salsa lesson and who doesn't appreciate those things? Chris mumbles (obviously, because HE ALWAYS MUMBLES) his way through a planned speech on his love of family and his joy when Ali wraps her legs around him. He loves her every time he sees her. So...can he ask for her hand in marriage or what? Ali's dad scratches his head, because who the fuck can understand what old mush mouth is saying? The production team brings in a translator and Ali's dad shrugs: Sure. Marry her. What does he care? Then the whole family jumps into the blue waters of Bora Bora. Ali and Chris take a moment to revel in the fact that they fit in so well into each other's families. That's because you two are probably related! Get tested! Better safe than married to your cousin. Chris bids farewell to Ali and claims it is so hard to say goodbye.
After a few establishing shots of Bora Bora, holy hockey, I want to go to Bora Bora. Now, please! At the family bungalow, Ali gets an earful from her family. Obviously Ali's mom is firmly in Roberto's camp and Ali's dad appears to be, too. Ali's sister and brother, though, think Chris is The One. He is ready to propose and he is unwavering in his adoration of Ali. Basically, they all love Roberto and Chris. Does that help narrow down your options, Ali? No. You know what would help her decide? One more hot date with each.
Ali waits for Roberto. Ugh, what is she wearing? Oh, it's one of Carrie Bradshaw's cast off oversized flowers from seven years ago. Perfect to wear on a romantic date with a guy in khaki clam diggers. So what do they do on their romantic date? Jet ski. Ali claims she loves getting on large machines that go super fast, a sentiment I'm surprised got past the FCC censors. They are having a wild and crazy time on the jet ski when they come across an unsuspecting school of sting rays. Obviously the best choice is to jump in the water and swim with them. What?? Did the Crocodile Hunter die for nothing? You don't swim with sting rays! Unless, of course, you do. So they jump in the water and then Ali immediately starts squealing like a girl, forcing Roberto to throw himself between her lady bits and the rude rays with their stinging tales. Then Roberto starts feeding the rays, which obviously means, the rays were planted. THE RAYS WERE PLANTED! Also, probably not sting rays. Ali reminds us that she feels so safe with Roberto, even when surrounded by man-eating fish.
On the beach Ali and Roberto have some champagne and a moment. Then they straddle each other in the rain. On national television. But Ali's not sure. She's just not sure. She might be sure, though when she sees how well he stages his room to look like a Pottery Barn catalog. Yes, it's a romantic night in for the young couple and Roberto has votives, champagne, and cuddles. Ali and Roberto try to have a serious conversation, but all the heavy petting keeps getting in the way. Roberto also has gifts, which are apparently best presented in bed. Roberto peels Ali's hands off his ass and brings her to his king-sized canopy bed. Ali pulls him on to her, but he pushes her off and hands her a photo of the two of them together with a Hallmark-meets-Harlequin inscription. They roll around on the bed some more, but Roberto insists on some Deep Thoughts. Roberto tells her that he loves her. She giggles and kicks out the camera crew. But they won't go, so she lets him tell her that he loves her some more and doesn't ever say it back to him. She tells the camera that she loves him, though, and claims that he is everything that she wants in a husband. Fuck Chris. She's staying with Roberto. Yeah. We'll see about that.
It's the morning and while Chris is all happy and well rested, Ali is struggling out of the wet spot, chugging a handful of Valtrex and birth control pills with Fiji water (ack, scandal!), and doesn't bother showering before rushing to Chris's bungalow. She rushes in to his room all atwitter, smelling of Roberto, talking a mile a minute, and acting so freaky it is like she is about to pull a Frank. Yes, that's a thing we are saying now. Ali grabs Chris's hands, pulls him onto the couch, and talks. She doesn't know what to say. Her heart is racing. She loves Chris. Her family loves Chris. But she is in love with Roberto.
Chris looks like a black hole landed on his chest. He is suddenly two-dimensional and small. He is just crushed under the realization that Ali just broke with tradition and chose Roberto right then and there. She didn't even give him the courtesy of a second overnight date. He had moves! He was ready to wow her! No, really! He was totally going to break out of his introverted tortoise-paced self and knock Ali's socks off. He was going to learn salsa dancing. He could have been a contender. Ali pats him reassuringly on his shoulder and swears that she knows he will find the right girl. It's just not her. She begs him for a hug. He obliges and sniffs her and mutters that she is amazing. Even if she is breaking his heart. Then Chris gets very mature and sends Ali off to find out whether Roberto loves her.
Ali leaves Chris alone and cries over the thought that she is causing him more pain. But, she is really doing him a favor. She just couldn't let him come to the final rose ceremony thinking he was a contender, when he was just a bum. Ali knows Chris is amazing, but she loves Roberto. Chris is stunned. He was falling in love with Ali. Very, very slowly, but he was. Probably. Most likely. Maybe. He gets it, though, he wasn't The One. The rejection still hurts. He is appreciative of the fact that Ali cut him off when she did. If they had gone out on their date today, he would have loved her more. If she had pity sex with him, he would have loved her more. So he's glad that she cut him off. It just shows how amazing she is. After Ali left, Chris's dead mom count shoots way up. Especially when he sees a rainbow and knows that it was his mother letting him know that it is all going to be okay. He is going to be okay. He has come so far already. He knows his mom is proud. He just has to find his perfect someone now. Aw, Chris. It's okay. Mere mortals just have no chance against smokin' hot superheroes.
The morning, Ali strolls along the beach feeling good about her choice. She isn't capable of loving two people. Especially when one of them is a sad average person like Chris and the other is a sizzling platter of man meat like Roberto. She loves Roberto. Meanwhile, Roberto is doing some soul searching of his own. But his deep thoughts are interrupted by a Diamond Ring Salesman, who is loving his job right now. I mean, this guy got flown to Bora Bora to show off some diamond rings for five minutes. Can I have his job? Roberto picks his ring (he's a total keeper: he didn't pick the marquis cut) and the Diamond Ring Salesman goes out to catch some rays. Sun rays and sting rays, Tahiti has all kinds of rays!
So because this is the finale, and there has to be some drama, Roberto has to do some more soul searching and make a few proclamations about the fact that he won't propose unless it feels right. He has a difficult decision to make. But he has confidence in his decision. Meanwhile, Ali is dressed and waiting for her Final Rose Ceremony. She is nervous, because Roberto is the last man standing. She fidgets and frets as she waits for Roberto's love boat to pull into her dock. She has faith in her decision, but also, doubt. What if he just wants to be friends? What if he gave her herpes? What if? What if?
But suddenly, Roberto is there. His boat pulls up to Ali's island aerie. She is hyperventilating, yet swears she is certain that Roberto is the man for her. Roberto is looking dapper in his navy slim cut suit. He is greeted by Chris Harrison who has less work to do than the Diamond Ring guy. Chris points out the stairs and wishes Roberto good luck and then wanders off to finish his Mai Tai before getting a well-earned massage on the beach. Ali takes a few more deep breaths trying to calm down, but she's probably just hyperventilating because her dress is too tight. The second Roberto shows up, Ali throws her arms around him, which kind of spoils the ending.
Before Ali can say anything, though, Roberto wants to tell her what he is thinking. Uh oh, is he pulling a Frank? He explains that he has been having Big Thoughts and needs to tell her some things. Roberto reminds her that on the first night they met she told him that she needed a husband who loved her unconditionally. He takes a deep breath. Then he blurts it out: he wants to be that man for her. He loves her. He wants to grow old with her. Ali smiles and giggles and wraps her arms around him and tells him that he is the only one there. She sent Chris home. She loves him so much. There is no one else. Then he gets down on one knee and presents her with a ring and doesn't do any of those douchey Bachelor things like tell her he is going to keep it until later or ask her to wear it around her neck or anything. He asks her to be his wife. She says yes. They love each other. For now. As "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" plays we see Ali and Roberto's journey to love. Then he swoops her up and carries her off to conquer her in the bedroom. Aw, romance.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates did not tear up at all ever not even a little bit. Shut up. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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