There are very few things in this life that I feel like I am above. I've gone to WWE wrestling matches, I've sat ringside at a Charo concert, I've eaten pickled eggs in a bar, rescued French fries off the floor, pooped in the woods, shotgunned shitty beer, I've even been licked by Andy Dick (true story!) and I've been okay with it. But I am pretty sure that I am above recapping a reunion show of Bachelorette cast-offs. I mean, even ALI doesn't like these guys, and she put up with Craig the schmucky lawyer for weeks on end. She even allowed Fake Dean McDermott through for a few rounds. Heck, she thought meth-mouthed Frank with the super-shiny face was The One. Yet even she couldn't stand to hang around these guys. Speaking of Frank, HE'S NOT HERE. Neither is Justin. So without the presence of the two most dramaz-producing guys on the show, we are looking at two solid hours of Mush-Mouthed Kasey and The Weatherman and Craig the Lawyer and Tennessee Ty and a whole bunch of other guys whose names I do not know. I am above this. So are you. Go do something else. Save yourself.
But before we actually get to the Men Telling All, we get the unique pleasure of Chris "Sinecure" Harrison talking to Ali about Justin, a.k.a. Rated R. Chris reminds Ali that all the men voted Justin Most Likely to be a Skeeve, and Ali didn't believe them. Ali nods that, yes, she was that stupid. Nay, she is that stupid. She thought Justin, and really, every man on the show, was actually there just to compete for her affection. In pursuit of her sweet, sweet love, the men were all 100% honest and 100% "there for her" and most definitely not there for their careers or their Dancing With the Stars aspirations. No, they were all there for her. Harrison nods that Ali should really go ahead and keep believing that if it makes her feel better about the fact that she quit her job to be on a reality show. Then we get a montage of Ali and Justin's time together. I won't recap it, because I ALREADY DID. Read it here. Done? Okay then.
After that mini-memory lane montage, Chris Harrison keeps the freak train moving right along to Kasey. Remember Kasey? Guy who talks like he is reading Hallmark cards with his jaw wired shut? The guy who would randomly start flatly singing from the bottom of his soul? Guy who got a tattoo of a rose and shield and a Latin phrase which roughly translated means "I'm a nitwit who will never get laid"? Remember him? Got abandoned on a glacier? Yeah, he needs to be mocked publicly some more. Moving on! Hey, guys, remember Kirk? Remember way back two weeks ago? Of course not! You've been watching this show and that has cost you a lot of brain cells. Clearly you can't remember something that happened two weeks ago! All you really need to know about Kirk is that Ali met his family and then dumped him faster than a taxidermied turd. Harrison nods and then urges Ali to move along, move along because we have to talk about Frank. Remember Frank? I mean, it was just last week, but Harrison apparently thinks we have the collective IQ of a dim squirrel so let's talk about Frank as if we have sniffed so much Wite-Out that we can't recall who he is or what he did. Here's the recap. Here's the recap of the recap: Frank ditched Ali in Tahiti for his old girlfriend. Ali got sad. But now she is fine. Great story! Tell it again! No.
Blooper Reel! Roberto almost beans Ali in the head with a champagne cork! Almost! Not quite! But almost! Then, this one time Frank's dad had a stroke in the middle of a toast and gave a really long-winded word salad of a speech and everyone laughed. Good times! Then this one time Ali put on a space helmet at the Natural History museum but was black-out drunk and didn't remember it at all! Hahahahahhhaaa!!! Then this one time nature rose up against Ali and Roberto's love, and a cat crashed their date in Portugal, and then a peacock did, too. Mother Nature hates The Bachelorette because it is against the Natural Order of Things. To round out the Blooper Reel we have the Unlikely Existence of Chris N. Apparently all the men called him The Phantom, because he would sneak up and cuddle with you in bed and then disappear into the fog, and if I had ever seen The Phantom of the Opera I would make some reference to it, but I have only seen The Phantom Menace. And you should probably pretend I didn't just say that. Anyway, Chris N. existed (apparently), and he was weird. Hee hee! And thus endeth the trip down Bachelorette Memory Lane. As we head to commercial, Harrison promises that, when we return, the most memorable bachelors of the season will join him on stage. Then he is crushed by a giant asterisk that serves to remind us that none of the most memorable bachelors will actually be there as Frank, Roberto, Chris L. and Justin have all been killed, flogged, or forced into seclusion.
We return from our respite to find Peculiar Jesse, Hunter, Kyle, Tyler V. Craig R., John C., Derrick, Jason, Steve, Chris N., Kirk, The Weatherman, Kasey and Tennessee Ty. So out of the bachelors who are there, WAY more than half (Kyle, Derrick, John C. Jason, Tyler V., and Steve) are not even has-beens. I am not even sure they were on the show. Harrison starts the proceedings with Craig R., because none of these other people even exist, really. Chris N., who I guess I must now refer to as The Phantom, since he went and got a T-shirt with it printed on it, and I want him to get some real return on his investment, pops up and says something inane and then walks off the stage. Then Craig R. swears that he had no idea what this competition would be like. His life as a lawyer simply didn't prepare him for reality television, which is truly shocking except for that it is not at all surprising. I mean I think the only thing that could actually prepare you for reality television is either the Reality Television Star School or lucha libre. Then we get a montage of Krazy Kasey's Greatest Hits, minus the singing, interspersed with his bachelor friends mocking him for being completely fucking Looney Tunes. Everyone is laughing, but you know Kasey is going home to journal something fierce. I expect tear-stained poetry. Then it is The Weatherman's turn for derision, in which he is described as "annoying" and "like a gnat" and "with a small ding-dong." Also included in The Weatherman's story is his Little Battle Royale with Craig M., a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott, who apparently had something better to do than show up here tonight? I guess stalking Tori Spelling takes more time than I think. up for the Mocking Block is Justin. And everyone takes turns explaining how much they hate him. How they all KNEW he was a fake, a user and a manipulator. They knew it!
After the montages, Chris Harrison decides to start off the proceedings with a debate over the merits of Fake Dean McDermott. Tyler V. tells The Weatherman that he "bitched out" when he told Ali that Fake Dean was a creepazoid, which is pretty much an annoying thing to say, like somehow telling Ali that Fake Dean is an overly aggressive dick is something only a woman would do and it would be a bad thing. So shut up, Tyler V., and get off my TV. Some other guy who I guess was on the show at some point chimes in that The Weatherman totally threw Fake Dean "under the bus", but I am pretty sure Ali is occasionally smart enough to make her own decisions. I mean, she kept Justin around much longer than she kept Fake Dean. I think she just didn't like Fake Dean and she thought his Donna Martin paper dolls were creepy. The Weatherman is all pissy and defensive, and he makes it clear that he will also never get any action, ever, except from really lonely drunk college students who watch the local weather channel a lot. But even then it is doubtful. Chris Harrison points out that The Weatherman was just trying to "guard and protect Ali's heart", which would be a zinger aimed squarely at Krazy Kasey except for the fact that Kasey took it completely seriously. Yep, The Weatherman was guarding Ali's heart, but that was his job! Tennessee Ty respects the fact that Kasey watched every single minute of Ali's journey to love with Bachelor Jake and wanted to come on The Bachelorette and protect Ali. That is actually pretty much stalker behavior that I really would hope that the producers would weed out before, you know, Krazy Kasey sticks Ali in an abandoned well and starts chucking lotion bottles at her. Everyone laughs that, ha ha, Kasey is Krazy! Mental instability is hilarious! Harrison changes the topic again. It is now time to discuss Justin. Then Kyle and Steve who I have no recollection of ever seeing (ever) start discussing how Justin was definitely there for the wrong reasons... and they knew it all along! Or at least for the 12 minutes they were on the show.
It is time to discuss Frank. Frank isn't here now, because they are saving him for the After the Final Rose show. Something to look forward to! Before the gents can talk about Frank behind his back, we get the full Frank montage from happy beginning to tearful end. As Ali cries on the beaches of Tahiti, Chris Harrison takes a deep breath, claims it is hard to watch poor, happy, just-wants-to-be-loved Ali crying, and asks the bachelors to talk about their feelings. Then he acknowledges the stupidity of asking the question to the whole group of gathered bachelors, so instead specifies that the question is for "those who knew her well." Craig R. has some words. He thinks equating Justin and Frank is all wrong. Justin was there for the wrong reasons, while Frank was there for the right reasons, but just happened to have an ex-girlfriend he still loved. But I am NOT recapping this debate again. Go here and read. I'll wait. See? Frank is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from Justin. Mostly in that the guys kind of liked him. For some reason all the guys rush to Frank's defense, saying he handled the situation honorably. The only people who call Frank on his bullshit are the guys who left after the second episode. So apparently Frank is a good guy and all the guys like him and, yeah, he made Ali cry, but still. Ty would definitely drink a beer with him.
Hey, did you think we talked about Kasey already? Because apparently, we haven't even started talking about Kasey yet. ...Sigh. Five full minutes of Krazy Kasey's Greatest Hits, and after the phrase "I will guard and protect her heart" plays on repeat for ten minutes (look for the funky fresh remix on YouTube tomorrow!) we finally hear Kasey's side of the story. Which is pretty much the same as we have already seen. Kasey is Looney Tunes and talks like a dolphin and came on way too strong and is a wee bit frightening with his stalker aspirations. Harrison calls him out on his singing and flat-out tells him that it was all kinds of awkward. Kasey shrugs. He really wanted Ali to like him. Yeah, we got that. Harrison begs him to explain the tattoo and Kasey calmly answers that he wanted to guard and protect his future wife's heart and the tattoo was the best way to do that. I would think jiu jitsu lessons or, like, a specialty in cardio-thoracic surgery and a hearty fiber breakfast, but whatevs. Harrison kicks Krazy Kasey off the stage and hopefully I will never ever have to think about him again.
Time for Kirk to take the stand. We are reminded that Kirk had fungus and this battle with mold inspired Ali to call him Kirky and drag him around the world, but when she saw his dad's basement and his mom's upholstery she sent him home. He was in love with her! And she sent him home! Reality TV is so cruel! And so like reality! Except that Kirk never once inspired me. Except maybe to go buy some Clorox and really scrub the mildew out of the bathroom. The one interesting thing to come out of Kirk's conversation with Harrison is that Kirk is pretty bitter towards Frank. See, Frank was not there for the right reasons. Kirk was there for the right reasons. He had no thoughts of other women. He hasn't dated anyone in five years, so it was all Ali, all the time. He and all his spores, molds and fungus were there JUST FOR ALI. So this is putting a damper on his relationship with Frank. But they will prevail, go out for an Old Style and watch a Packers game.
Despite the fact that we have spent the last hour talking about Justin and how much everyone hates him and how he wasn't there for the "right reasons" and how he had at least one girlfriend, maybe two, and refused to come on the reunion show, NOW we get to officially talk about Justin. Yay? First we get a recap of what a tool Justin is. Here's my recap (again). Shorter version: Justin climbed through the shrubbery on one leg to escape public humiliation and failed. Then Craig mounts a huge defense of himself claiming that despite rumors to the contrary, he is not an extension of Justin's family, he is not friends with Justin, they don't talk on the phone. Uh... what rumors? Who cares? Who is thinking about this? Frankly, I am not thinking about Justin about as much as I am not thinking about Craig R. I am certainly not thinking about whether or not they are talking to each other. So the men all talk about how much they hate Justin, how Justin is evil, how they all knew he was cheating on Ali (a girl he was not actually dating) and how he was nothing but a big old famewhore. While we should be done with this subject, we are not. Because ABC needs to stretch this into a solid two hours, because ABC has nothing better with which to fill this time slot. So Chris Harrison brings Ali's "friend," ex-Bachelorette Jessie, out on to the stage to explain how she knew that Justin was a Cheaty McCheatypants. (By the way, I'm going to call it now: Jessie is going to be the Bachelorette. What, you were thinking Vienna? Ha!) So Jessie lays out the whole sordid scandal. In short, Justin's girlfriend Facebooked her fellow Canadian, Jessie, claiming that Justin was her boyfriend. Jessie did some Nancy Drew role-playing and decided that Jessica's claims were true. Also, she was pretty sure that if she believed the claims were true it would get her back on American television. So she reported it, and the producers thought it would be neat if Jessie called her fake BFF Ali in Istanbul to out Justin. Wacky hijinks, shrub hopping and masculinity questioning ensued. Chris Harrison asks the audience what they think and, sure enough, they think Justin is a big old meany! Shocking, I know.
Finally it is Ali's turn to take the stage. She is wearing a fake tan, a lot of blonde weave, and a silver dress that looks like it is one size too small as it is way too tight on the bottom and blousy on the top. Ali claims it is just great to see everyone again! Especially that one guy in the back who hasn't said anything because he was only there for one episode! Hi! Ali explains how hard it all was, and Chris wants to talk about that, because it might possibly be interesting. It's not, particularly. Ali is proud of how she handled the Justin situation, but she never really cared about him anyway, so whatevs. She was hurt by Frank, but she is dark and twisted and paranoid and totally expected it. Then she giggles. Chris asks Ali if she wishes she could have brought Kirk instead of Frank and Ali doesn't really answer, but definitely doesn't say yes. Then Chris hands the floor over to Krazy Kasey, but it's okay, because they frisked him and put him through a metal detector. so the only thing he can hurt her with is his voice. So he sings her a fucking terrible song, and everyone screams in pain. Fun! Then it's time for The Bachelorette blooper reel, which I am not going to recap. I will not sink that low. I won't do it. No. Go away. Stop asking. I must preserve my remaining brain cells for both The Real Housewives of New Jersey and The Bachelor Pad.
We're in the final stretch, and the only people left to make fun of are the finalist Bachelors Chris L. and Roberto. We are treated to a montage of their journey together. Try not to gag. I failed, but maybe you will succeed. Roberto is dreamy and athletic and has dimples and is falling in love with Ali and awwwwwwwwww... Then we have Chris and his dead mom and his adorable house on Cape Cod. He makes Ali super-happy, and he loves being with her, and he could really be The One. Think the show is over? It's not! Time to foist The Bachelor Pad on the unsuspecting audience. Apparently the cast is composed entirely of crybabies and sluts and is basically ABC's attempt at being VH1. Don't worry, I asked for a Valtrex stipend for everyone!
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our list of the rules of being a Bachelor!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates wishes she could have spent her evening getting her teeth cleaned or something more enjoyable . You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.