Our dearly beloved Bachelorette Ali is getting oh-so-close to finding her one, true, famewhoring love to last a lifetime or a sweeps cycle or until Dancing With the Stars tears them apart. Only three courtiers remain as potential contenders for Ali's love, because last week we bid farewell to Kirk and his fungal situation. You see, even though it wasn't about the family, it was totally about the family, and Kirk's sad, struggling, taxidermy-addled family just couldn't cut it. Especially so when Roberto's, Frank's, and John's families are beautiful, wholesome, and seemingly well-adjusted families with neither braces nor extreme highlights nor A BASEMENT FULL OF TAXIDERMIED DEAD STARING ANIMALS. But, it wasn't about the family, it was about Ali's sudden realization that if she married Kirk, she might possibly be asked to spend another minute with Kirk's father at some point in the future. Also, Kirk's mold issue became all that much more ominous in the context of large stuffed rodents. You just can't go back to spooning after that.
So now that Mr. Mold is gone, who is ? This week we know the path of love leads them to Tahiti. I have no fucking clue where Tahiti is (what? I'm the product of a Lutheran school, and Tahiti is not mentioned in the Bible), but it is far enough away that perhaps this one time we don't need to don our prophylactics while we watch the episode. Maybe. I might wear finger condoms while I type, just to be sure. Anyway.
This week's installment of Ali's Choose Your Own Adventure to Love opens with Chris L. staring into the sun and doing permanent damage to his retinas. Chris, stop staring at the sun! What would your mother say? Oh that's right, she's dead. AWKWARD! You know, Chris, you really don't remind us of that nearly often enough. Except, of course, THAT IS ALL YOU EVER DO. So Chris is staring into the sun reminding us that he has a dead mother who totally put a crimp in his plans to fall in love what with all her dying, but now that she is really dead, he is ready to find love. Probably with Ali. Oh wait, it's reached the point in the series where it is time for a FLASHBACK MONTAGE! Buckle up for the trip down memory lane. Or don't, and die a fiery death as Chris's memories careen from first meeting, first "wicked awesome" Masshole bonding moment, first mention of dead mom, making out in the hot tub, second mention of dead mom, making out in the grass, meeting the family to talk about dead mom, and making out in the neighbor's tower. Then we see Chris packing, which is a nice segue to Roberto packing. Really, editing team, you should have been nominated. Roberto wears a snug black t-shirt as he takes us on a guided tour of his deep and long-lasting relationship with Ali. There is a connection! There is chemistry! He is sex on a stick and Ali is all up on his man popsicle. But it's love! No really. Okay, Roberto in love is one thing, but I can't concentrate on it right now, because we have DRAMAZ. To be specific: FRANK DRAMAZ. And, real ones, not just need-to-up-his-thorazine-levels ones.
You see, Frank MIGHT be in love with his EX-girlfriend. But he's no scumwad floating turd of humanity like Rated R Justin. No, no, because this is his EX. But, as Frank so logically explains, as he was falling in love with Ali, he was also falling in love with Nicole. Because falling in love with a girl who is not there and who you already dumped is completely natural and normal and totally not a reason to call a therapist and adjust your meds. Frank claims he is an emotional wreck because of all these FEELINGS. Feelings for two! It's tearing him apart! In short, Frank is a dick. An emotional fraudster, wannabe artistic dick, who is pretending he is in love with two girls at once so he can get a free flight home to Chicago because he accidentally left his journal in his room at his parents' house and he has to find it before his sister posts his tear-stained poetry on Facebook. Frank claims that He simply CAN'T go to Tahiti without a layover in Chicago, because he MUST see if he still loves his ex. Yeah, life's tough, dickweed. It sure is sad that phones don't exist in The Bachelorette's reality. Also, expensive.
So obviously we have to follow sad sack Frank on his nonsensical mission. He lays it out for us one more time, but it still doesn't make a lick of sense: He is falling in love with Ali, but he might still be in love with Nicole. The two cannot co-exist. Frank's face gets shinier and shinier as he heads to Nicole's apartment door. It's either a stress reaction or he got himself buffed and shined before confessing his love. When Nicole answers the door it is hard to tell if Frank warned her that he was coming, let alone that a camera crew would be invading her studio apartment. Luckily the apartment is spotlessly clean and Nicole's hair is straightened to within an inch of its life. Nicole is confused to see Frank there, but lets everyone in just so Frank can sit on the couch and tell her all about his valiant fight for Ali's love. Then he explains that Ali doesn't know anything about Nicole. Nicole stares at him trying to figure out why the fuck he would come tell her this on national television. Frank continues explaining about how much he likes Ali. Strangely, Nicole is not thrilled about this. It is not clear why she is not just chucking him out. After 20 minutes, Frank gets to his point: He's been thinking about Nicole a lot when he should have been thinking about Ali. He wants to see if the spark is still there. Nicole jumps at this opportunity and scooches closer on the couch and tells Frank to come home. Then they cuddle and Frank miraculously (and I mean that fully in the Insane Clown Posse sense of the word "miracle") decides he is in love with Nicole and wants to be with her for the rest of his life.
Okay, hold up. This requires some parsing out. Also, thinking, so give me a minute, it's hard. When it turned out that Justin had an on-again, off-again girlfriend that he was calling and trying to get back together with, wasn't Frank egging on the clusterchump to gather pitchforks and torches and chase the gimpy monster out of town? Wasn't Frank the crazy guy in the corner of all the group dates rocking back and forth and pulling his hair out and muttering about how hard it was to see "his girlfriend" whoring with all those other mens? So why is he any better of a scummy lowlife human being than Justin? Is it simply because Frank is willing to take the treacherous trip to Tahiti to talk instead of making his escape and limping through the shrubbery and up a water feature? Also, Justin? You should have held on until Tahiti! Anyway, Frank simply HAS to fly to Tahiti to tell Ali, because a phone call just wouldn't suffice. Trust him, he doesn't like sand or beaches or lush forested hills or ocean sunsets. He is just flying there for Ali. He tells Nicole he is so scared to tell Ali of his feelings for Nicole. I hope Ali kicks him in the nards and sends him back to Nicole in 12 separate suitcases. Also, what is with the vetting process on this show? Christ, producers, one guy with a girlfriend is one thing, but two? Two is just repetitive and boring.
Oh shit, Ali totally stole someone's grandma's outfit! No, really: WARDROBE! Ali knows that Tahiti is the perfect place to fall in love... just not with Frank. Although I am sure we will have a solid 30 minutes of Ali weeping and wailing about how Frank was "The One," even though he totally wasn't and was actually a pretty annoying guy with serious neuroses and a freakishly shiny complexion. Ali's first Tahitian rendezvous is with Roberto. They are staying in little huts built on stilts in the water. I don't like quoting 30 Rock, but: I want to go to there. Like, now, please. But according to the magical series of pipes and tubes that tells me things like airfare, tickets to Tahiti from NYC are about $1650 more than I have in my bank account. Also, it's a 17-hour flight. Ali and Roberto hug for a long time and then head off on their adventure. On today's agenda? Helicopter ride! I kind of wish Jake Pavelka was flying the helicopter. But he's not. In other news, Ali appears to have gotten over her fear of flying. Erica Jong would be proud even if the rest of America doesn't give a shit. Roberto explains that he would be honored to be asked to ask Ali to marry him. Ali thinks she would be super-lucky to have Roberto as her husband. Yawn! The helicopter takes them to another island and a "heart-shaped" lagoon clearly made just for The Bachelorette to use as a stepping stone on her path to love. Ali and Roberto strip down into their bathing suits and straddle each other in the water until Ali glances at the camera, thinks about it for a second, and then takes it from third base back to first. I mean, their children could watch this someday! And her dad is probably watching it now. Maybe her grandma, too.
Later Ali and Roberto meet for dinner, deep conversation, and probably more straddling. Ali looks gorgeous, but Roberto... oh, Roberto. It appears that we have found his tragic flaw. It involves an outfit comprised of a white and blue striped button-up shirt...and long khaki shorts with sneakers. The outfit truly angers me. I'm sure Ali sees him dressed like that and thinks, "Oh I can fix him" and she probably can, BUT I CAN'T. It just gives me the vapors. Anyway, Ali asks Roberto some deep thoughts, and he struggles and stumbles and blushes and finally gets the words out: He's falling in love with her. She giggles, smiles and covers him in saliva. Ali "surprises" him with a key to a fantasy suite, you know, if he wants it. I can't really imagine a fantasy suite better than the ones they are already staying in, but go ahead Tahiti: BLOW MY MIND. The couple wades to their fantasy suite where Roberto simply has to take off his pants because he got them wet on the way over. Ali helps him undress. I hope she burns the shorts. Accidentally, of course.
The morning, Ali is all hepped up on Valtrex and Massengill when she goes to meet Chris for their date. But she's not a slut! She claims she missed him. Yeah, I'm sure she couldn't stop thinking about Chris while she was knee-deep in Roberto last night. Ali and Chris head out on their romantic cruise on a blinged-out catamaran. Chris is such a mush mouth, and he mumbles at Ali for a while, and she punctuates the conversation with giggles, so I guess she understands what he's saying even if I don't. I still don't feel the chemistry between these two; in fact, I think Ali has more chemistry with Chris Harrison than with Chris L. But they make out on the boat, in the water, and pretty much everywhere else, so maybe their lack of chemistry is just editing. And, yes, she has made out with two guys in two days, but she is still America's Sweetheart. Chris finds a pearl in one of the oysters and once Ali sees jewels she starts ripping apart every mollusk in site in the hopes of making a necklace. I hope this turns into John Steinbeck's The Pearl and everyone starts chucking kittens at the pearl holder and killing each other with lasers and stuff. Later, Ali wears her worst outfit ever. I mean, really, did she swap suitcases with a vacationing retiree? She is wearing wide-legged white linen yoga pants with a tie-dyed teal tank top. In Style would not approve. Ali and Chris whisper talk to each other about how cute they are. Ali presents Chris with the key card from Chris Harrison. The way she keeps saying, "This key to my room is from Chris Harrison," makes it sound like Harrison is her pimp. Obviously Chris accepts the terms of Chris Harrison's deal and takes Ali to the Fantasy Suite. Ali does a good job of pretending she's never been there before. By the way, Dead Mother Mention Counter: Four.
Frank finally arrives in Tahiti. I hope the producers made him hitchhike. Frank reminds us that he is ONLY on the lush tropical paradise to break up with Ali because he is in love with his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Please to be stopping calling her your ex-girlfriend then, eh? To prove that he is not there to have fun, he pops out his portable black rain cloud and sets it directly above his head. Also, so we know he is serious and taking this seriously, Frank decides to call a meeting with Chris Harrison who, as Ali's pimp, is also her surrogate father. Frank needs advice and I think we can all agree that when you are taking relationship advice from Chris Harrison you might as well be dead. Frank confesses his crimes to Father Harrison and Chris pretends to be flabbergasted, because Frank was falling in loving with Ali! Ali was falling in love with Frank! Frank pretends he had no idea this was going to happen, but, you know, shit happens. Frank loves Nicole and Nicole loves him. Harrison doesn't want to break host-Bachelorette confidentiality, but he will say that Ali was crazy about Frank. And Frank was just crazy. Harrison swears that he knows that Frank is a good guy, who is just having a dick day. Frank tears up a little bit about how he is going to look like such a dick on TV, but is just going to have to break Ali's heart anyway. Harrison tells him to nut up and tell her the truth. So Frank sets off to do just that.
The editorial team decides that it will build the tragicomic tension if they have Ali explain how much she loves Frank and how strong their connection is and how happy he makes her, right before he tells her that he's leaving. And it does. Ali runs up the beach to Frank's house for their sailing adventure, and Frank hugs her and then stops her with a cold, "We need to talk." Frank doesn't say anything for a while, but his silence is so laden with tension that Ali starts crying before he even tells her that he is ditching her for his ex. Frank finally bothers to start talking and tells Ali that they had an awesome connection and shit? And he could have married her and stuff? But he's not going to. He's going home to his ex, just as soon as he gets done with this awkward conversation and catches some rays and the boat to the nearest airport. Frank further explains his decision by adding that while Ali is perfect and makes him feel awesome, he is still going with Nicole. Luckily, Ali wore waterproof mascara, because she just cries for a long time and then Frank cries and then we are just watching them both silently cry. Frank notches up the asshole ante by explaining that he was having these feelings but didn't want to tell Ali because she would have made him leave, and he didn't want to. I mean, they were in Iceland! And Portugal! And, you know, not his parents' basement. So, basically, he didn't want to be honest because he was having too much fun. Ali is strangely unmoved by this explanation and points out that she gave up everything to be here, including her apartment. Did she mention the apartment? It was a nice apartment. WAIT, THAT'S IT! Ali doesn't have an apartment and Nicole does! Frank is so desperate to get out of his parents' basement he really has no choice but to choose Nicole. Ali leaves, but hugs Frank for a long time first, but probably just because there's no one else to hug but the cameraman and... well, who would hold the camera? Ali sits on the beach and cries.
Frank claims that he saw everything he ever wanted in a girl IN ALI, but he loves Nicole. This still makes no sense. And, yeah yeah yeah, heart is a lonely hunter, the heart is deceitful above all things, but, still. Shut up, Frank. Frank claims he feels horrible and walking away from Ali with tears in her eyes was painful. So I guess Frank still has a soul. Also, a suitcase. Why would he bring a suitcase? Ali is still crying on the beach, when Chris Harrison goes to sit to her and put in his mandatory ten minutes of screen time. Harrison sends Ali to her room to cry in private because she is frightening the locals and not living up to their contractual obligations to the Tan'aa Resort and Spa to show a romantic destination. Ali cries and confesses that A. She thinks Frank is the biggest jerk she's ever met and B. That something is wrong with her because she really liked him. She really needs a girlfriend to point out that the two are not at all mutually exclusive.
So Ali is all dressed up for a pointless Rose Ceremony, but first she is going to her Dark Place. Ali explains that Frank leaving was her biggest fear come true. She was worried from the beginning that she would fall for someone and they wouldn't love her back. And it came true! She shame-spirals into a paranoid fit that no one will ever love her, she gave up her apartment for nothing, she is unlovable, and her arms will get fat and jiggly and she'll die. Only the entrance of Chris Harrison drags her out of the darkness and back into the soft Tahitian light. He sits her down, puts on his listening face, and reminds her that she still has two great guys. Are they the right two guys? Who the fuck cares! They're the only two guys. Ali smiles confidently that her future husband is still there. Probably. Maybe. Most definitely. She thinks. Maybe. Can she have a minute? Chris Harrison points out that there are two guys and two roses, so the outcome is a given, but he thinks they should have a Rose Ceremony anyway. It's important! Oh Chris Harrison, such a traditionalist! Ali thinks it is important that the remaining two options accept their roses tonight. It's the acceptance that is key. Chris thinks it is important that Ali tell the guys herself about Frank's betrayal. Does Harrison have a degree in counseling or something? Because sometimes he seems genuinely good to talk to, which is almost unsettling. Harrison leaves Ali to think about her life choices while he leads Chris and Roberto to the Rose Room, which is actually a patio. Ali comes in and explains that Frank had to leave because of "unfinished business at home," which makes it TOTALLY SOUND like Frank knocked up Nicole, but they didn't want to put that on the show. Ali hands each guy a rose and asks them to accept it. They do. Not much drama there. Ali explains that their final destination is Bora Bora and her family is waiting to vet the mens. Hope they do a better job than the producers.
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates really hopes she never ends up in a basement with Frank. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.