Ah, The Bachelorette always on the cusp of love, always on the cusp of heartbreak, always slow walking and looking thoughtful. Ali reminds us that this is all really hard. All this jet-setting, all this whining, dining, site-seeing, hair flipping, giggling, indoctrinating, dotted with making out with mostly attractive men (Kirk, sorry, but you are walking fungus) and at what cost? Merely a few roses, a few man tears, having to spend time with Chris Harrison and pop a handful of Valtrex at the end of each day. Is it really so hard, Ali? Should I remind you it is the six-month anniversary of the Haitian earthquake and you are but a blonde tater tot getting whisked around the world on ABC's dime hoping to maybe score a Trista and actually find love and babies and shit (no, really, from the babies -- look into it). My point, Ali, is simple: Shut up. Jesus. Off to Tampa! Wait: Tampa? You have to go to TAMPA? Never mind. Your life SUCKS.
Roberto is back in his hometown of Tampa, Florida sitting on the steps of his alma mater the University of Tampa waiting for his gringa. By the way, high school seniors and people inspired by that Rodney Dangerfield movie where he goes back to school, University of Tampa has a freaking awesome main building, so suck it University of Phoenix. Roberto is a wise man and has realized that on Ali's visit to his hometown he has to fall back on the one thing that really separates him from the man masses: Professional Baseball. Girls are silly like that. So Roberto brings Ali to his college ballpark, presents her with a jersey with his number on it (he's number 19!) and then disappears to the locker room so he can show up on the field in his full baseball jersey. Ali just about spread eagles on the ground at the sight of her man in uniform. Well she would have if this wasn't 8 p.m. on a Disney-owned television station. Instead she just straddles him on the pitcher's mound. In the confessional, Ali tells us that there is nothing sexier than a man in a baseball uniform. Um, yeah, we know. What are we, dead inside?
Ali and Roberto pitch, catch, chase balls, he goes to second, and third, and about twenty other things that are double entendres for the dirty minded. Ali spends a lot of time leaping into Roberto's manly arms and wrapping her legs around his torso, which is clearly not standard operating procedure for baseball and would probably be cheating if this were MLB rules. Yes, Roberto, even in the minor leagues. Also, it makes it hard to run the bases. "Hard" was the double entendre there in case you were wondering. After they collapse from all the major league flirting, Roberto presents Ali with his rookie card. She about dies from glee and then Roberto's goes to second on the pitcher's mound. But things get sewious when Ali admits to being nervous to meet his entire extended family this evening. Roberto admits he would be nervous, too, which probably isn't the right thing to say to soothe anyone's nerves. He explains that his parents are the stereotypical military Latino family with a kind but slightly overbearing father and passive mother who cooks a lot of things in lard and uses too many paper towels. Roberto will probably spend the entire evening trying to prove her lily white worth to his father and being snappish to his mother but also hugging her a lot. Should be fun. Like Leave it Beaver with more arroz con pollo.
Okay, confession: I hate home visits. I hate them in the same way that I hate really awkward teen romances or really embarrassing scenes in movies. Basically the entire Michael Cera oeuvre makes me squirm in my chair. I just feel bad for the families who did not sign up to be a part of their wayward child's reality show pipe dreams, but are now being dragged into it because of his "success". I feel terrible for the sisters-in-law who are nervously fixing their hair and wearing full body Spanx and push up bras. I feel bad for the mothers who have fastidiously cleaned their homes, brought out the good china, re-decorated the living room. I feel awful for the fathers who are trying to figure out how seriously they are supposed to take this girl who has arrived in their living room on the arm of the beloved son with a camera crew and make up artist in tow. It just makes me itchy and I really want to put my hands over my eyes and watch through my fingers... Sigh.
So Ali sits down with the family in their cream-colored dining room with straight-from-the-catalogue home accessories (ceramic fruit!) and chats gamely with the family about what she first loved about Roberto. (His ass, duh.) Roberto sits with his arm protectively around the back of Ali's chair until Roberto hits the lanai with his father and brother to talk hombre to hombre. Obviously the family has a shrine to Roberto's athletic accomplishments and it is in the glow of the many many gold-plated baseball players that Roberto Sr. grills Ali on her intentions. First question: Would Ali be willing to sacrifice her goals to help Roberto fulfill one of his? She gulps and says, more or less, no. But she would be willing to consider it so long as she could do something awesome too. Roberto Sr. has no idea what to make of that. Outside, Roberto Jr. talks to his mami about Ali. She gives him her blessing to propose to Ali if he should have the opportunity. Then, in one of the bedrooms, which is odd, Roberto Sr. blesses Roberto Jr. and then there is great rejoicing in the Martinez household. Also, dancing. Lots of dancing. Ali claims the bar for the other family visits has been set high. Very high. Muy alto.
It's a dark and stormy day when Ali gets dropped off on the beach in Cape Cod to see Chris. Ali swears she has moved past the "friends" stage with Chris, which I think means she let him go to second, but it might mean third. Chris and his dog greet Ali on the beach and they spend some quality time strolling the sands of time. Chris points out that this is actually a romantic setting because whales are mating just over yonder. Yep, nothing like mating sea mammals to really set the mood.
They finally head home and Chris plies Ali with beer before giving her the depressing tour of the house, or rather, the tour of the depressing house. I understand that Chris L.'s family would have a lot of mementos and memorials to his dead mother, but if he is still so smarting from the wounds in that he has to mention it every five minutes: WHY IS HE ON A REALITY SHOW? Really, dude, take some time. Ali doesn't seem to mind. She likes the fact that he is damaged. She can fix him. Also, she fits in the nook of his arm. That's the stuff good lasting relationships are built on.
Ali still has frizzy rainy beach hair when she goes to meet Chris's dad. Guess the producers are putting the "reality" in reality TV and forcing Ali to forego primping and fluffing. No worries, though, Ali feels like she knows him already so he probably won't mind the frizzy hair. After some delightfully passive aggressive comments from his dad about how Ali "stole his roommate", the rest of the family shows up and everything I said about home visits before does not apply to this family. They are adorable, especially the sisters-in-law, although I bet Ali really wishes she had run a brush through her hair since the girls are very well kempt. But my favorite thing about the family is that they drink and they have both bottles of wine AND growlers of beer. They also all have matching bracelets to the one Chris gave Ali in Portugal. Fuck, they're adorable. Don't worry, I'm only saying all of these nice things because I am hoping they will rent me their house for the summer. A shingled three-bedroom house in easy walking distance to the beach? Damn, that's some prime real estate!
Ali takes some alone time with Chris's dad in the den. He tells her that his last wish before he dies is to see all three sons married and happy. He gives her the hoary eye and she pretends she is totally going to marry his son tomorrow. LIES! Meanwhile Chris gets some girl talk with his sisters-in-law. He explains that he is happy and comfortable and all that good stuff. I won't transcribe because whatever he says now will be mortifying if he gets kicked off. Inside, Chris's father is trying to channel Chris's dead mom to get some more probing questions for Ali. He shrugs and they head back out to drink some more. Chris and his dad talk about his dead mother some more and they both agree that she would want to see him happy. Yes, it is probably a safe assumption that a mother would want her son to be happy. Ali and Chris bid farewell to his family and their adorable Cape Cod home (with woodburning stove!) and head up to a local tower built by the local Renaissance Faire branch. Then Chris and Ali make out in plain view of the neighbors, but considering how much alcohol these two have had, they are probably too toasted to care. Once you make out in front of the neighbors, you are definitely past the "friends" point in your relationship.
After that make out session, Ali is off to Green
Bay, Wisconsin, where the grass is green and the cows are pretty. Ali runs into Kirk's arms, screaming "Kirkeeeeeee!" which makes me want to punch my dog in the face. (Don't worry, my dog is an asshole.) The important thing to know about Kirk's family is that his parents are divorced, don't speak ever, and Ali will be meeting both sets of parents, but twenty miles apart and with a chaperone. Kirk introduces Ali to his father, stepmother, and "adopted sister" first. I have no idea why he felt the need to point out that she was adopted, but it seems really important to him that we know she is not a blood relation. After meeting his dad, though, I'm surprised that he doesn't want to pretend HE is adopted, too. The dude is all kinds of creepy, which is only accented by the large doll collection displayed in the cupboard by his head and when he asks Ali if she wants to see his basement, no one seems quite sure if it is a euphemism, a threat, or both.
Ali very reluctantly agrees to go, but when he offers to let her go first (a la Ted Bundy and his moving van) she politely declines. Naturally the basement is actually Mr. Kirk's craft corner. His craft being taxidermy, naturally. You know in the movie The Fantastic Mr. Fox when Mr. Fox's little badger friend has his "episodes" and his eyes go zonkers? Those are the eyes that Ali is making while trying to take in the hall of horrors that is Kirk's dad's cellar. If she doesn't dump Kirk at the Rose Ceremony it is because she is afeared for her life. The room is filled with a dead-eyed and stuffed Noah's Ark of bobcats, bears, boars, leopards, lobsters, deer, six-point elks, gophers, and his ex-wife. My favorite, obviously, is the caribou foot with googly eyes attached because that is a completely fucking normal craft that he probably made when he was a wee boy at Scout Camp and not at all something to be scared of. Ali realizes that she is contractually obligated to pretend to want this sociopath's relationship advice (hmmm...new advice column?) and asks him about Kirk. The dad explains that Kirk hasn't brought a girl home in years, which is truly shocking. Ali swears that she really enjoyed talking to Kirk's dad, the same way Clarice Starling really enjoyed talking to Hannibal Lechter. At the first chance she runs outside to enjoy fresh air, the sun on her shoulders, and the relative safety of Kirk's Member's Only jacketed arms.
Luckily they are now off to his mother's house, which assuming she doesn't live in a funeral home or a fun house, should be a much nicer environment. OH GOD: Everything I said about home visits is true!! Kirk's mom has braces and frosty pink lipstick and twelve coats too many of mascara. She has a BumpIt perched on her head. His grandma is there in a white suit. This is not a critique, these are just the facts. I am squirming. DAMN YOU, BACHELORETTE! The house appears staged in that there are very few tchotchkes but a lot of almost-matching blue furniture. The upholstery and the carpets have been vacuumed within an inch of their lives. Kirk grips Ali's knee under the table as she gabs with "the girls" in Kirk's life. Later, Ali and Kirk's mom talk about the symbolism of a snapped Lance Armstrong bracelet and Kirk's fungus issues. Ali tears up, but probably at the thought of snuggling with that much mold. Obviously Kirk's mom loves Ali and gives Kirk her blessing as Ali heads off to Frank's house.
After spending hours in Green Bay, Ali is ready for the bright lights of the Windy City. Ali walks slowly, thoughtfully, down a lonely pier and then, magically, runs into Frank. All the piers, in all the city, she had to walk into this one. Ali runs into his arms, but doesn't quite give him the full leg wraparound she gave Roberto. Probably because Frank's jacket is a little too small and clashes with his cardigan. Also, the neck on his t-shirt is so low that it looks like a V-neck, but is not a V-neck, which is strangely disturbing. Wait, maybe it's a wife beater. Wait, who wears a cardigan and a beater except girls and aged Mafia dons? Anyway, Frank and Ali hop on a boat cruise of the Chicago sites. They have beer! They also have a boatload of Frank's neuroses. He makes crazy eyes, pulls his hair, gnashes his teeth and begs Ali to choose him! Right now! Forget the rest of the show! When Ali finally says, "I like you," or something equally innocuous, Frank perks right up. You like me? You really like me? It's like he took a perky pill with a self-esteem chaser. Does anyone find this an attractive trait? Does his mom even like this? Stay tuned!
Over at Frank's house, Frank gets a big old bear hug from his dad, despite the fact that HE LIVES IN THEIR BASEMENT and you would think they would be sick of him by now. Frank's family dinner is a jovial affair that seems to involve beer and Manwich and no vegetables. But they laugh a lot, which makes up for any culinary lapses. Frank's mom pulls Ali outside for some girl talk. They spend a lot of time complimenting each other and laughing about how well Ali fits in with the Frank family.
Inside, Frank and his siblings perch awkwardly in what have to be new chairs in a newly-decorated room what with the rice paper screen and pagoda-shaped coffee table. THIS! This is what I hate about home visits! You know Frank's poor mom cashed in a favor with a home decorator friend who suggested that they divide up the living room to add an Asian-themed sitting room complete with red lacquered lanterns and cherry blossom motifs and vaguely Asian wall art. It looks like the Taiwan Hilton, except, you know, worse. They probably went to Pier 1. This is unfortunate. I am too distracted by the décor to pay attention to whatever I-really-like-her-but-I'm-cautious over analyzed rigmarole Frank is dishing out today. Frank's sister beckons Ali outside while Frank gets grilled by his dad inside. These episodes are also hateable because of their complex choreography. It's like a So You Think You Can Dance routine comprised entirely of boring people talking to each other.
Frank swears that he wants to get married and despite the fact that he works at a Starbucks, hasn't sold a script, and lives in his parents' basement, is totally ready to get married. Then it's time for Ali to go. WAIT. Where's the tour of Frank's room? Ali and Frank don't get to go make out in his bedroom underneath the "A Love Supreme" album cover and original silk-screened Wilco poster. Don't worry, Wilco fans, Frank doesn't really like Wilco, or listen to them, but he wants to prove to people who come hang out in his bedroom that he is vaguely cool even though he lives with his parents and sleeps on the Star Wars sheets leftover from his childhood, only now he sleeps on them ironically. Frank is not cool. He just really wants someone to think he is.
Ali hugs Frank, swears they could very well possibly maybe spend their lives together, and drives off into the sunset. Frank heads into his room, shuts his door, and starts journaling.
Ali is pretty in pink and ready for the ball when she steps out of the limo in the entryway of the Bachelor mansion back in California. Chris Harrison greets her and pulls her into the candlelit meditation room and tells her to put on her Thinking Cap. He then feigns interest in her recap of her whirlwind tour of the homes of her fake suitors. She reminds us that Roberto looks awesome in a baseball uniform and that Chris's family was a beautiful and pleasant surprise and she could definitely picture herself in his family. Chris Harrison reminds us that Kirk has commitment issues because of his parents' divorce, but Ali assures him that Kirk is ready for a relationship. Just probably not with her because her children will never spend an hour in that basement of misery.
However, Frank's family was a delight, but Frank was his usual bipolar self. Can someone just medicate the dude and get him out of the national spotlight until he takes care of his mental health and his freakishly shiny skin? Harrison asks Ali if her future husband is in the herd? She swears that she feels very
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strongly about at least three of her options, which is convenient considering she has to kick someone off in about five minutes. Chris Harrison tries to look consoling as Ali tears up, but he is only leaning forward to show off his blinged out watch. It's square-faced and diamond-encrusted and large enough to make an NBA baller proud. God he is overpaid.
In the Rose Room, Frank, Kirk, Chris, and Roberto are lined up in front of Chris Harrison like he is a one-man firing squad about to take them all out. Ali comes out in her floor-length prom dress (what's up, Jessica McClintock?) and immediately bursts into tears. She then swears that she is not kicking the person off because of their family. She doesn't want to do this at all. She cries a lot and then gives Roberto his rose, because: DUH. After an appropriately dramatic interlude, the second rose goes to Chris. Final rose? It's pretty obvious right? I mean, one, we've all seen the teasers for the dramaz ensuing in Tahiti and two, we all know everyone's family was a delight except for one noticeable non-delight. So the final rose goes to [drumroll please] Frank. Because despite her claims that her decision was not based on family ties, it totally was. I mean, there is NO WAY Ali wants to spend another minute with either creepy doll-collecting taxidermy-making dad or sad sad mom. Frank accepts his rose while Ali cries.
Ali takes Kirk outside to talk, but she can't talk because she is so sad. Ali risks fungal contamination and gives Kirk a hug as he heads off to commune with his best taxidermied bear friend and maybe eat a pint of ice cream. Kirk claims he has never had his heart broken before, so this was a big shocker. He was totally ready to get married to Ali. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Maybe his dad can make him a girlfriend.
Inside the Mansion of Happiness, Ali, Roberto, Frank, and Chris toast the fact that they are the Winners and Kirk and his (Not) Kreepy Family are the Losers. Also, they are going to Tahiti and Kirk is going to Green Bay. Not to brag or anything.
This episode was so boring it made me almost wish Vienna and Jake would pull a Kanye and interrupt the show to start yelling at each other and mispronouncing standard English words and not talking about Vienna's dog.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates really hopes she never ends up in a basement with Kirk's dad. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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