Episode Report Card LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hospitality, Taxidermy Basement-Style
By LuluBates | Season 6 | Episode 8 | Aired on 07.12.2010
Bay, Wisconsin, where the grass is green and the cows are pretty. Ali runs into Kirk's arms, screaming "Kirkeeeeeee!" which makes me want to punch my dog in the face. (Don't worry, my dog is an asshole.) The important thing to know about Kirk's family is that his parents are divorced, don't speak ever, and Ali will be meeting both sets of parents, but twenty miles apart and with a chaperone. Kirk introduces Ali to his father, stepmother, and "adopted sister" first. I have no idea why he felt the need to point out that she was adopted, but it seems really important to him that we know she is not a blood relation. After meeting his dad, though, I'm surprised that he doesn't want to pretend HE is adopted, too. The dude is all kinds of creepy, which is only accented by the large doll collection displayed in the cupboard by his head and when he asks Ali if she wants to see his basement, no one seems quite sure if it is a euphemism, a threat, or both.Ali very reluctantly agrees to go, but when he offers to let her go first (a la Ted Bundy and his moving van) she politely declines. Naturally the basement is actually Mr. Kirk's craft corner. His craft being taxidermy, naturally. You know in the movie The Fantastic Mr. Fox when Mr. Fox's little badger friend has his "episodes" and his eyes go zonkers? Those are the eyes that Ali is making while trying to take in the hall of horrors that is Kirk's dad's cellar. If she doesn't dump Kirk at the next Rose Ceremony it is because she is afeared for her life. The room is filled with a dead-eyed and stuffed Noah's Ark of bobcats, bears, boars, leopards, lobsters, deer, six-point elks, gophers, and his ex-wife. My favorite, obviously, is the caribou foot with googly eyes attached because that is a completely fucking normal craft that he probably made when he was a wee boy at Scout Camp and not at all something to be scared of. Ali realizes that she is contractually obligated to pretend to want this sociopath's relationship advice (hmmm...new advice column?) and asks him about Kirk. The dad explains that Kirk hasn't brought a girl home in years, which is truly shocking. Ali swears that she really enjoyed talking to Kirk's dad, the same way Clarice Starling really enjoyed talking to Hannibal Lechter. At the first chance she runs outside to enjoy fresh air, the sun on her shoulders, and the relative safety of Kirk's Member's Only jacketed arms.
Luckily they are now off to his mother's house, which assuming she doesn't live in a funeral home or a fun house, should be a much nicer environment. OH GOD: Everything I said about home visits is true!! Kirk's mom has braces and frosty pink lipstick and twelve coats too many of mascara. She has a BumpIt perched on her head. His grandma is there in a white suit. This is not a critique, these are just the facts. I am squirming. DAMN YOU, BACHELORETTE! The house appears staged in that there are very few tchotchkes but a lot of almost-matching blue furniture. The upholstery and the carpets have been vacuumed within an inch of their lives. Kirk grips Ali's knee under the table as she gabs with "the girls" in Kirk's life. Later, Ali and Kirk's mom talk about the symbolism of a snapped Lance Armstrong bracelet and Kirk's fungus issues. Ali tears up, but probably at the thought of snuggling with that much mold. Obviously Kirk's mom loves Ali and gives Kirk her blessing as Ali heads off to Frank's house.
After spending hours in Green Bay, Ali is ready for the bright lights of the Windy City. Ali walks slowly, thoughtfully, down a lonely pier and then, magically, runs into Frank. All the piers, in all the city, she had to walk into this one. Ali runs into his arms, but doesn't quite give him the full leg wraparound she gave Roberto. Probably because Frank's jacket is a little too small and clashes with his cardigan. Also, the neck on his t-shirt is so low that it looks like a V-neck, but is not a V-neck, which is strangely disturbing. Wait, maybe it's a wife beater. Wait, who wears a cardigan and a beater except girls and aged Mafia dons? Anyway, Frank and Ali hop on a boat cruise of the Chicago sites. They have beer! They also have a boatload of Frank's neuroses. He makes crazy eyes, pulls his hair, gnashes his teeth and begs Ali to choose him! Right now! Forget the rest of the show! When Ali finally says, "I like you," or something equally innocuous, Frank perks right up. You like me? You really like me? It's like he took a perky pill with a self-esteem chaser. Does anyone find this an attractive trait? Does his mom even like this? Stay tuned!
Over at Frank's house, Frank gets a big old bear hug from his dad, despite the fact that HE LIVES IN THEIR BASEMENT and you would think they would be sick of him by now. Frank's family dinner is a jovial affair that seems to involve beer and Manwich and no vegetables. But they laugh a lot, which makes up for any culinary lapses. Frank's mom pulls Ali outside for some girl talk. They spend a lot of time complimenting each other and laughing about how well Ali fits in with the Frank family.
Inside, Frank and his siblings perch awkwardly in what have to be new chairs in a newly-decorated room what with the rice paper screen and pagoda-shaped coffee table. THIS! This is what I hate about home visits! You know Frank's poor mom cashed in a favor with a home decorator friend who suggested that they divide up the living room to add an Asian-themed sitting room complete with red lacquered lanterns and cherry blossom motifs and vaguely Asian wall art. It looks like the Taiwan Hilton, except, you know, worse. They probably went to Pier 1. This is unfortunate. I am too distracted by the décor to pay attention to whatever I-really-like-her-but-I'm-cautious over analyzed rigmarole Frank is dishing out today. Frank's sister beckons Ali outside while Frank gets grilled by his dad inside. These episodes are also hateable because of their complex choreography. It's like a So You Think You Can Dance routine comprised entirely of boring people talking to each other.
Frank swears that he wants to get married and despite the fact that he works at a Starbucks, hasn't sold a script, and lives in his parents' basement, is totally ready to get married. Then it's time for Ali to go. WAIT. Where's the tour of Frank's room? Ali and Frank don't get to go make out in his bedroom underneath the "A Love Supreme" album cover and original silk-screened Wilco poster. Don't worry, Wilco fans, Frank doesn't really like Wilco, or listen to them, but he wants to prove to people who come hang out in his bedroom that he is vaguely cool even though he lives with his parents and sleeps on the Star Wars sheets leftover from his childhood, only now he sleeps on them ironically. Frank is not cool. He just really wants someone to think he is.
Ali hugs Frank, swears they could very well possibly maybe spend their lives together, and drives off into the sunset. Frank heads into his room, shuts his door, and starts journaling.
Ali is pretty in pink and ready for the ball when she steps out of the limo in the entryway of the Bachelor mansion back in California. Chris Harrison greets her and pulls her into the candlelit meditation room and tells her to put on her Thinking Cap. He then feigns interest in her recap of her whirlwind tour of the homes of her fake suitors. She reminds us that Roberto looks awesome in a baseball uniform and that Chris's family was a beautiful and pleasant surprise and she could definitely picture herself in his family. Chris Harrison reminds us that Kirk has commitment issues because of his parents' divorce, but Ali assures him that Kirk is ready for a relationship. Just probably not with her because her children will never spend an hour in that basement of misery.
However, Frank's family was a delight, but Frank was his usual bipolar self. Can someone just medicate the dude and get him out of the national spotlight until he takes care of his mental health and his freakishly shiny skin? Harrison asks Ali if her future husband is in the herd? She swears that she feels very