Ah, The Bachelorette, the show that never sleeps, never takes a holiday, not even when it is the day after the Fourth of July and even the Real Housewives of New Jersey have the good sense to sleep in and let their beloved recapper go see her old roommate's band open for Unrest. But the stupid Bachelorette is soldiering on, airing a brand new episode despite the fact that it is a National Holiday of Hangoverness and no one can take the drama. Know what else the hungover cannot abide? A Faith No More concert TWO BLOCKS from said hungover person's apartment. Not to name names of the hungover, who do not deserve to be scorned because they are pathetic lightweights who have a second glass of wine because they think they can handle it and end up with headaches the size of Tennessee Ty's ears. They are not to be mocked! But they are rather taken aback at how much Faith No More fans seem to want to wooo!!!! Apparently, all Faith No More fans are Woo-Girls, which is simultaneously funny, pathetic and loud. Now shut up, Faith No More! Ali has to find love OR ELSE. Or else she will really regret giving up that two-bedroom apartment in the Mission District with morning light and 14-foot ceilings and hardwood floors. Also, her job. Also, I am out of Diet Coke. Also, shut up, Faith No More!
Ali has flown her clusterchump of five remaining suitors plus Ty's ears all the way to Lisbon. She sent them via freight because, until she has chosen her mate, they are merely chattel. Just stepping stones on her path to love. Chris Harrison -- who YOU KNOW was the one to suggest this globetrotting season to the producers -- pops in to greet the men and remind them that even though Ali is dating five men simultaneously, she is still America's (or at least ABC's) Sweetheart. That said, no knocking up the merchandise or even going past second, because this is primetime and the FCC is watching. So hands on the table, fellas. Second, there are five men and four dates and no roses. Whoever survives this round of humiliation and scorning will get to introduce Ali to their families. Lucky lads, eh? Nay, lucky families. Anyway, that's it for Harrison -- he has a hot stone massage and a manicure to get to and then some porto samplings with a local escort.
The men head to their hotel and find that SOMEONE WAS IN THEIR ROOM. Oh, they were just leaving a date card. Ooh, tell me more, tell me more: Who and what are the date? Roberto gets a date! At a castle! The requisite shot of Frank looking injured and paranoid quickly follows the shot of Roberto's smile. By the way, they always list Frank's job as "retail manager" not "aspiring screenwriter", which just seems, well, rude and crippling. Like, way to support a dream, ABC! You know Frank manages a Starbucks, right? Or maybe a Barnes & Noble, although that seems like too much responsibility for an overly emotional playwright. Anyway, Ali comes in with a short skirt and a smile and says hello in Portuguese and everyone jumps up to say hello except Frank who gawks at the micro mini-skirt she is wearing on her date with Roberto, calls her a whore, punches himself in the head, apologizes and gives her a hug. Obviously, Ali and Roberto flee in a horse-drawn carriage, because, yeah, that's efficient. It's why so many bank robbers station horse-and-carriages outside the heist. Also, romance. Ali is so happy to start out her week with Roberto, but Ali has a big but: She needs him to show his fun side. Because tight rope walking and group dating and olive oil wrestling doesn't show his fun side? What side does it show? Other than his oily side, obviously?
They head out and immediately start having FUN. They stage a photo shoot in the streets of Lisbon, which I thought HAD to be product placement but they never showed the camera's brand. Someone from Canon needs to get on that shit, pronto. They have FUN. Then they go and have some MORE FUN by mocking some Portuguese guard who I guess is like the Beefeaters in London and can't move while on duty and are hence subjected to a torrent of sorority girls flashing Vs and children getting jammy handprints on their big furry hats and drunk men whizzing in their general vicinity ALL FOR THE QUEEN. Because Her Royal Majesty wants guards who don't give a shit if someone is yakking their lunch, flashing their boobs, and making the peace sign simultaneously, they must only care if the Queen trips on a Corgi or some other national emergency. Then Ali and Roberto pose to statues and make funny faces around churches and make out in a street and Roberto declares his undying love and admiration and they kiss with tongue some more and the jaded Lisbonites don't care and it is all just SO MUCH FUN.
Not so much fun? The hotel room. Frank is reminding everyone that Ali is going to meet four families. He is about to start pulling on his hair and scratching, but a knock on the door interrupts and allows the producers to shoot him full of Haldol. The knock (frankly, I think the knock needs to get it's own supporting credit since it does just as much work as Chris Harrison) means another date card. Two guys are going on one date -- no not a Man Date, but a two-on-one date with Ali, which just sounds really dirty. Frank and Ty are the unlucky attendees, and Frank is, obviously, miserable. You see, this week he has decided that Ty is his fiercest competition. Ty and Ali have a "real" bond despite the fact that Ty is a hillbilly chucklehead who doesn't think women should work (yeah, yeah, come-to-Jesus moment about how women can be CEOs and without demeaning their ovaries MY ASS). Frank starts getting all wild-eyed and frantic-looking as he tells Chris L. ...er, Chris, that the two-on-one date is THE WORST POSSIBLE DATE and yeah, especially when it's two sane people on one crazy one. Luckily, Frank passes out as the drugs finally kick in.
Back on the one-on-one date, Roberto and Ali have found themselves a castle to canoodle in (excuse me, I have to go kill myself now for using the word "canoodle") and the sun is setting and they drink wine and feed each other. Ali plops some tomatoes on a slice of bread and presents it as the only thing that she will ever cook. Uh oh, I bet Ty expects his womenfolk to cook. Ali asks Roberto what his mom cooks and he shrugs and says, "Spanish stuff. I don't know the name." Hmm, looks like a lot of take out in the future Ali-Roberto household. Ali and Roberto then say a bunch of schmoopy stuff about how lucky they are to meet such smart, beautiful people like each other. Ali thinks he really could be the one for her. But I think whenever you are drinking wine and making out with a gorgeous guy in a medieval castle at sunset you are probably thinking: I could fall in love with this man. Because DUH. It's only when you get home and they expect you to, say, cook and quit your job and read the Bible and make your own clothes that the real issues kick in.
The morning, Ali has managed to pry Roberto off of her face and has showered (maybe?) and is heading out for a whole boatload of AWKWARD. Make that a helicopter-ride full of AWKWARD. Ali, Frank and Ty all cram into the back of a helicopter and Ali is the meat in a man sandwich. Frank is cursing the weirdness of having to share Ali with Ty, but he totally took his meds and thinks (hopes!) he can handle it and won't spend the length of the helicopter ride sharpening his fingernails to scratch Ty's eyes out. The helicopter lands at another beautiful castle and Ty, who is always one with nature (at least until he shoots it), points out a deer. He grabs Frank's arm first, oddly (revealingly?), and then finally gets Ali's attention. She oohs and ahhs over Bambi, and Ty totally pretends that his arms aren't aching for the barrel of a gun to mow Bambi down and mount it on his wall. Then it's time for the most uncomfortable dinner on record, where Ali, Ty and Frank all break bread together. Although Ali won't eat bread on national television for fear of letters from The Zone people and instead opts for wine to soothe the Awkward.
Ali finally gives up on pretending that this is fun and takes Ty away for some alone time, leaving Frank to curl up with a bottle wine and some Rimbaud or Alannah Myles. Ali has a lot of questions for Ty. She would like to maybe revisit that whole "women shouldn't work thing". Ali wonders how Ty's stay-at-home mom would feel about this blond hussy with her mini skirts and 401K and big city ideas about work and birth control and hair dye. Ty swears his parents will be "satisfied" if he is happy, which sounds like a rave review. He swears up and down that he is "tickled" that Ali wants to work. Tickled! Ali thinks this is adorable and not at all creepy. Good on ya, girl. And by that I mean: You deserve whatever you get if you fall for that malarkey. Meanwhile, Kirk gets his date card. The card simply says: Once Upon a Time. Kirk doesn't get it, so Roberto helpfully points out that it's a fairytale reference. Roberto! Don't help the competition! Let Kirk think it has something to do with spores, molds and fungi. Sheesh.
Anyway, now it is Frank's chance at some Ali action. And, well, he has something rather uncomfortable to admit: He lives at home with his parents. He tries to couch it in terms of quitting his job, traveling through Europe and moving home, literally. He is rightfully embarrassed, but Ali seems completely nonplussed, like dating grown-ups who live in their basement is simply FUN! Frank is so touched that Ali doesn't care that he is a loser who lives in his parents' basement. I think this just shows that Ali is at least partially brain damaged. Frank suggests that they make out in a tree. So they do. Ali explains that she understands why Frank hid his biggest flaw, but she just doesn't care. She likes Frank! Frank likes her! His parents totally won't care if they make out in their basement! Maybe mom can bring snacks down when they get the munchies.
It's time for Kirk's date, and he dresses up in his finest flannel to start his fairy tale outing. Ali explains (to us, not Kirk, because she's not ready for that level of emotional honesty) that she is very distracted and has a lot on her mind. Kirk thinks everything is fine and dandy and he is in sweet, mold-free love with Ali. A horse-drawn carriage pulls up outside the twosome's lunch spot and they hop in and ride to YET ANOTHER medieval castle. Seriously, if you don't like castles, don't go to Portugal because THAT IS ALL THEY HAVE. Ali's distraction does not stop her from making out with Kirk, just a little. Kirk tries to be understanding as Ali is fretting over which of her five suitors is most likely to not humiliate her on a public stage. Kirk tries to comfort her by pointing out that he hasn't brought someone home to meet his parents in, like, three years, and that woman was a physical therapist sent by the hospital to move his arms every three hours. Ali does not look reassured.
Later, the couple is dining atop the abandoned castle. Ali has added a white blazer to her ensemble to make sure things stay business casual. Kirk has also gussied up and donned his country club finest: a yellow button-up and blazer. Ali apologizes to Kirk for being so distracted earlier. Kirk wants her to be able to talk to him about her feelings and shit, at least on paper and definitely not during the Olympics or really any sporting match, but in theory: Emotions rule! Kirk then pinky-swears that he is falling in love with Actual Ali, not Idea of Ali or Idea of Love or Bachelorette-Induced Drama. They make out and then get serenaded by an over-tanned woman in a serape with a flower behind her ear and voice of a eunuch. They make out some more, because what the fuck. Just make out with everyone Ali, no one is judging! No, really! Maybe a little.
Ali heads out to her last date, which is with Chris. She is just dating him "like a friend" because she frequently dates her friends? I don't really know what she means by that. Like, you can't date EVERYONE. Leave some for the rest of us, woman! For some reason the producers think it would be an awesome idea to put Chris and Ali on a scooter and set them free to roam the countryside around Lisbon. Chris drives like a girl so Ali has to take over the reins. This does not bode well for moving past the friendship stage of the relationship. Ali parks the scooter and starts grilling Chris AGAIN about his dead mother. I mean who feels romantically inclined when always being forced to discuss the recently deceased? So Chris and Ali don't make out in the shadow of Chris' mom, but fear not! The date's not over yet, even though Ali keeps telling the confessional cam that it might be a little too late for the Romance. So Ali takes Chris to a winery, because nothing spells romance like drunkenness. Over glasses of vinho, Chris explains that he just moves a little slower on dates and really likes the way things have been progressing with Ali. He would be so excited to bring her home to meet his family, because she would fit in and everyone would like her. Then Chris tells her that he had a present made by the family jeweler just for her. He didn't want to give it to her earlier, but now that he knows her and likes her, he wants to give it to her. So he gives her a tennis bracelet that is just like the one his dead mom wore and his sister wears. Word of advice, Chris: QUIT TALKING ABOUT YOUR DEAD MOM. Ali doesn't mind, though, and she and Chris roll around in the grass and kiss.
It's pouring rain when Ali arrives at the hotel for the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison grumblingly meets her outside in the rain hoisting an umbrella over her BumpIt. Harrison is wearing a very bright purple tie with his rather staid suit. He reminds the chumps that Ali has four roses to hand out. Whoever gets a rose gets the unique privilege of bringing Ali to their home town for some public embarrassment and exposing your family to the derision or admiration of the world at large. First rose? Chris and his well-timed present. Second? Frank. Third? Roberto. It comes down to Tennessee Ty and Mold Man Kirk. Harrison points out the obvious that it is the Final Rose. I still don't know why he does that. I mean, we all know it's the Final Rose. They certainly know it is the Final Rose. Why, Chris Harrison, Why? Anyway, Last Rose? It goes to Kirk. Which is not at all surprising. What working girl would sign up for a life with a man who divorced his last wife because she wanted to get a job? No matter how much Ty swears that he has changed and realized the errors of his backwards-ass ways, no one with a brain would buy it. Ali tucks Ty into the car and he swears he had Feelings and really thought he was the perfect guy for her and it would have been nice to have someone to share stuff with. Get a roommate, moron. He is pissed off because she made the wrong choice and he hopes she realizes that. Ali feels so sad, but not really. She wants to meet her husband! And he's not in Tennessee.
OH, WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE. Instead of another half hour of Ali's struggling to find love, we get to see what happens when fake love goes horribly wrong. Yes: It's the Jake and Vienna break-up interview! Kill me now! Please! ...Sigh. Chris Harrison stumbles out of the Bachelor mansion to do some "real" reporting. He laughably tells us that many people have found love on The Bachelor. They like to update us faithful viewers with the growing love of the lucky contestants on this show. Um... wasn't Trista the only person to have actually married and/or reproduced with anyone she met on the show? Oh, sure there was the whole Bachelor Jason dumping Melissa Rycroft and getting hitched to runner up Molly, but that doesn't really prove anything other than that this is a stupid format for finding love. But whatevs, we will let Harrison have his little half-truth. I mean, he has to actually work today, and for more then five minutes in a row. We can't expect him to answer questions or seek out the truth.
Harrison makes his sad face and says that today's news is not happy news: Bachelor Jake and horse-faced fake fiancée Vienna have broken up. I love ABC's optimism that no one has read a magazine, skimmed a blog, or watched Extra! Okay, no one watches Extra!, but still, this story broke weeks ago, and ABC, who actually OWNS this story, took their own sweet time getting the show on the air, but is still pretending this is breaking news. It's practically adorable! Harrison explains that he is going to talk to both Jake and Vienna, but as they really own Jake -- their Bachelor -- he wants Jake's side of the story first. Jake comes out and Chris makes sorrowful noises in Jake's general direction. Chris claims that he just had dinner with Jake and Vienna just a few weeks ago and everything seemed fine. *Cough bullshit cough.* Jake calls Chris "man" and says he is still processing, man. He doesn't know what happened. Everything was great and then he went out of town for a few days and everything blew up. He admits that the relationship was going downhill, but he wasn't ready to quit fighting. Harrison nods consolingly and tells Jake to brace himself because Vienna is coming out and she's scrappy. (Also, flexible.)
Vienna comes out and hugs Chris Harrison, and Jake gets up to let her sit to Chris, because that's where the ladies sit? I don't know talk show etiquette. Chris starts off the conversation with an apology that they had to meet each other like this. He asks Vienna what the heck happened. Vienna claims it was all good for the first month that she and Jake dated, and then it all went downhill. She seems to accuse Jake of never consummating the relationship, but scolding your boyfriend for wanting to wait until marriage will not win you any fans on ABC. Jake just didn't want to bone her until it became clear whether or not she was cross-eyed. He also didn't want to necessarily, you know, talk, because she is annoying, but would pretend that all was good when the cameras were rolling. Harrison cuts to the chase: She claimed Jake abused her. Did he? Vienna backtracks all the way back to her backwater Florida home and smilingly claims that Jake yells when he's mad and is cold, too. She dances around the whole "He's a violent gay con man!" story she gave Star magazine and instead claims she had to beg for kisses and sobs, "Who wouldn't want to kiss my equine lips?"
Harrison stops the convo just short of slander and asks her why she ran to the tabloids? She claims she has been robbed a voice through this whole "process," and when people thought she was mean and a bad choice and a... well, a Hooters waitress, she just let them say whatever. But she knew that America would care about this break-up, and she wanted the truth to be told. Her truth. Nothing but the truth, so help her, Chris Harrison. Remember all those other Bachelor couples that fizzled? Nope. Me neither. Did anyone care? Nope. So, don't think you're so special, Vienna. Anyway, the whole time Vienna is bad-mouthing him, Jake has this look on his face like his butt is clenched so tightly that it is causing lockjaw. But he finally pops, calls Vienna "disgusting" and claims she sold him out to the tabloids and lied to him. Vienna calls him a famewhore, which is hysterical because YOU MET ON THE BACHELOR. YOU'RE ALL FAMEWHORES.
Vienna accuses him of duping her, and she thought she was going to have a simple life with her pilot boyfriend flying back and forth from Dallas to Florida. Instead she got dragged to that den of iniquity and *shudder* agents, Los Angeles. All she wants to do is go home! But he is forcing her to stay so he can be an "actor." Watch out Anthony Hopkins! Jake snorts that at least he's trying to have a career. Vienna snaps back, "I HAVE A JOB IN MARKETING. NOW." which isn't especially convincing. And while they don't mention Dancing with the Stars, it is clear that watching her supposed fiancée dance with another woman for hours and weeks was not part of her ideal relationship. Then the formerly happy couple screeches at each other about whether or not Vienna is a big, old cheater and they bleep out the names of all the even lower famewhores who crawled out of the primordial non-famous ooze to hang out with the Bachelor's floozy fiancée. Vienna says she didn't cheat, Jake says maybe she did, but he is above it all and doesn't really want to stoop to Cheaty McCheatyPants level. Then he calls her a famewhore for going to the tabloids, and she scoffs that he was going to do it anyway, and he's just mad because she went first. Chris calls a time out.
When we get back from commercial we are treated to the finale of The Bachelor, where Jake proposes to Vienna. Then sad music starts, and Chris Harrison reminds us that we are in mourning over a relationship that could have been. He wipes a tear, plays "Danny Boy" on the bagpipe, and then turns to Vienna to ask her why she would sell her story to the tabloids. He reminds her that she got $90,000 from one magazine, and oh shit if that is true, I would totally tell the sordid details of my fake relationship to a real gossip rag. But Vienna denies it was $90K, and Chris Harrison gives her a look like, "Girl, we have fact-checkers." Vienna swears that she only did it because she wanted the Truth to be known. Jake snorts and rolls his eyes. Chris Harrison asks them to harken back to their days in love in St. Lucia. Instead of yelling at Jake, "BET YOU WISH YOU PICKED TENLEY NOW, BITCHES!" he just asks each of them to state five things they liked about each other back then.
Vienna tears up for some reason, because America hated her then, too, and then she claims that they broke up twice and she gave The Ring back twice. Jake claims that she was just having temper tantrums, and that has a ring of truth to it. (Pun not really intended, but whatever, you know?) It's just far too easy to picture Vienna, in a tizzy, throwing the ring and locking herself in the bathroom to cry. Harrison asks whether Dancing with the Stars was a bad thing, and she claims she was supportive, but then he, like, had to touch this girl all the time, and she couldn't get a job because they didn't know whether he would still be dancing with the stars the week, and she just wanted to go home to Florida. Oh, by the way, she now has a job. And although she hates Los Angeles, the job is in Los Angeles, because her small town turned their back on her and she needs to have people turn their back on her in L.A. for a while. Jake laughs loudly as Harrison continues calmly asking Vienna why she is staying in Los Angeles when she claims to hate it. She pretends it is all about the job and then slips and seems to say that she went on an interview and may not actually have a job and it's all confusing and shut up, Vienna.
Then Jake and Vienna argue about who broke up with whom, and Vienna swears she has WITNESSES because she is on trial, America, and she knew he would want to take credit for dumping her when she deserves all the credit for dumping him. WITNESSES! Jake tries to get a word in edgewise, Vienna cuts him off again, he foolishly calls her baby, she tells him not to, and then starts crying that it's impossible to get sick of someone in just six months. Oh honey, I've only known you six weeks and I promise that I am sick of you. Like herpes sick, leprosy sick, ebola sick. Jake takes a moment and asks the men of America if they would kiss a girl who undermined them, emasculated, interrupted them constantly and forced them to use GPS when they don't need it. Jake then spells out his definition of "undermining" and, well, suffice to say Jake is overbearing and kind of a jerk and finds EVERYTHING undermining. Don't want lobster for dinner? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. Want to move the dresser in your bedroom? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. Singing a song in the shower? STOP UNDERMINING HIM. But Vienna is certainly no catch. So: perfecto! Right? Sadly, no. Harrison is just horrified that his perfect evening is being ruined by sitting with these two yelly bobbleheads.
Harrison asks Vienna if there is anything she would like to apologize to Jake for. She stares at Chris Harrison for a while trying to figure out if he is serious, then she turns to stare at Jake for about ten minutes, and then she fake apologizes for going about things the way she did, BUT she knows the real Jake, and she knows that he would have done it if he could. Jake snorts that she doesn't know him at all, she interrupts him, he snaps, "DON'T INTERRUPT!" and he does not use his nice voice and Vienna bursts into tears, stands up to storm out, stops to tell Jake he is the meanest person she has ever met, and THEN storms out crying. God, I hate both of these people A LOT. I mean, Jake is clearly a domineering ass with control issues and Vienna has serious interrupting issues, which could drive a person to snap. I don't know whether Vienna's yelling and crying is preferable to Jake's smug superiority. I just know they are both EXTREMELY annoying people. As Vienna weeps in the bathroom, Jake shrugs that this is what their fights are like. Then he settles himself to Harrison while Vienna sobs some more in the can. Jake swears he has never been in a relationship where he has had to raise his voice, but sometimes you just can't get a word in and you get mad. Wow, Jake: You're a dick. Wipe the smug smile off your face and GET OFF MY TELEVISION. That said, I would probably want to hit Vienna if I was forced to fake a relationship with her for months. But, I would never be in this situation. But, that's enough of that. Chris thanks everyone for showing up and then reminds us that Ali is still on her path to love and her love will be lasting and real and beautiful and holy and will never involve the tabloids until they get married and have babies and want to put those babies through college with the money.
Watch the episode here, discuss this episode in our forums, then see our list of last season's worst moments!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates really hopes Jake and Vienna are swallowed by a Sand Worm. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.