So the grim death march that is The Bachelorette continues. Here's hoping no one needs to make the totally selfish decision to STAY EMPLOYED versus staying on this farce of a show.
And this show is still defiling the natural beauty of the Canadian Rockies. I presume this has something to do with the United States finally declaring The Bachelor/The Bachelorette cultural crimes against humanity, so now the show isn't legally allowed to film on U.S soil. Oh, no, wait, scratch that, because Chris Harrison is explaining that there is going to be one group date and two individual dates this week, and the five guys who get roses this week are going to have hometown dates. And this week the gang is getting a train and riding all the way to hell, or just across Alberta, and Michael, speaking about himself in the third person, says the best-case scenario is that he gets Jillian alone in a car and some "smoochy-smooch ensues, you know what I'm saying?" No, you're far too vague. I have no idea what you're saying. Tanner credits this show for getting him to do two things that he never would have done otherwise, which are a) go to Canada and b) get on a train, like SET SOME GOALS, Tanner.
So everyone files onto the train, and hopefully this is all a ruse and they're actually being deported. Jillian says that Ed leaving made her "realize how important this is," because someone has to be reminded every episode of how important this is, except the weird thing is they're always wrong since the answer to "how important this is?" is "less important than the pebbles between the treads in your shoes." Everyone oohs and ahhs on the train, and Michael somehow things it's "every kid's best dream" to be on The Bachelorette on a train.
Canada Tourism must be excited at the ensuing footage of the Fraser River, and I think it's dingbat Wes who says, "Is this a lake or an ocean?" And then Jillian is still whining about Ed. And she actually says she doesn't know if she'll miss Ed forever (I know! The answer is "you won't!") and she wants someone less serious, to cheer her up. Reid tells us that it's crucial he gets a one-on-one date, because of the hometown thing. Just once, I'd like footage of a guy saying, "You know what? If I don't get a one-on-one date this week, no biggie." As it turns out, Robby gets the one-on-one date, and he says he hasn't been this nervous in a long time.
So Hell Train is still rolling along the Rockies. Jillian says she's just going to have a chance to sit and chat with Robby. Well, it's not like they can do a whole lot on a train. Robby says this is a big-deal rose because it's not just about keeping someone on, but about wanting to meet his family. Robby says his attitude is "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" get that rose, and it's good that he's looking to children's books for guiding philosophies.
And then Robby the bartender and Jillian practice flipping a shaker for what feels like five hours, and Jillian drops the damn thing eighty times, and I really hope that thing gets disinfected before it serves any more drinks. Jillian says she loves Robby's fresh approach to life, and I guess "fresh approach" means "pretending to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail."
So they take their drinks and go out into an observation car so Jillian's car can fly all over the place, and they seem to be enjoying themselves, and Robby's fairly confident that he's getting a rose, and he offers one of those ridiculous over-qualified statements like "I think I'm in a position where I could quite possibly begin the process of considering falling in love" type of deals, and then the train goes into a tunnel, and we all know what that symbolizes.
Speaking of symbolism, the two of them go right for the caboose, which is where they're going to have dinner, and Jillian tells us that when she's with Robby, she feels "five or ten years younger," which is great, because that would mean that she would almost be his age, and then Robby says his dad "couldn't be happier" about his son being on this show, and everyone in his family thinks he's going to be the first to get married, because apparently all his siblings suffer from a family curse that involves not getting married, and then Jillian talks about starting a family in the few years, and then Robby.... I don't know, he says about "putting yourself out there" and then he admits to being young and being "between jobs" but that's OK, because love has no age and has no job. Has no brain either, apparently.
Then they go downstairs in the caboose for dessert, and Jillian tells us that she doesn't think Robby's really considered where he's going to live and how to pay the bills and what a family looks like. "I need him to picture that before I can trust him and trust putting my life in his hands."
So after a commercial break, this date is STILL going on, and Jillian is talking about Robby making her feel "young again," like who are you, old Rose from Titanic? So then they lounge on a couch with all kinds of cushions, and they lie there and cuddle and Robby talks about how nervous he is, and he looks at the rose sitting there on a table, taunting him.
Back in the Douchebag Car, the other guys are speculating about how Robby D's doing, like READ A BOOK or better yet look out the window at the amazing scenery instead of wasting more than one second than is absolutely necessary on this stupid show! The consensus is that Robby will be fine and get a rose. So we know where this is going.
Back in Jillian's car, the two of them are drinking wine and Robby is lamenting the lack of vocabulary that prevents him from saying anything more interesting than "this is fun," and then Jillian is prodding him to GROW UP somewhat by suggesting that he open a bartending school, and Robby's all "nuh-uh!" for some vague reason and then says that there are so many ideas that go through his head that it's stupid, and Jillian gets that look on her face that women get (presumably) when they figure out that this guy has all these vague plans to be awesome but then winds up on The Bachelorette. And then there's Jillian telling us that she knows Robby's ready to fall in love and have a partner, but he's not ready for all the stuff that goes with it. Translation: Robby's not going to take care of Jillian the way she's repeatedly said she wants.
And then the train starts to slow down, and the dudes in the douchebag car are all, "So what happens if Robby doesn't get the rose?" and then Robby himself is asking why the train is slowing down, and instead of just giving him an answer, Jillian starts into one of her patented hoarse rambling monologues, this one about how Robby makes her feel young (again with that. How old do you think you are, Jillian?) and she blathers on and on and I think the goal here is just make Robby want to jump off the train so he doesn't have to listen to Jillian use her "this is just as hard on me as it is on you" voice.
She says that what she needed was to find out if she could marry him, and what she's found out is that she would, if it were five or ten years from now. When you're forty? Gross! And then the train is dramatically screeching to a halt, and Jillian starts to get all sobby-faced, and Robby tells her that it's OK, and Jillian starts listing all the ways in which he's awesome, just now awesome enough so he can stay on the train and not get eaten by wolverines in the Canadian wilderness. The rest of the guys are amazed to see Robby's luggage get hauled off. Jillian tells us that it was so hard on her to not give Robby a rose, adding, "It must have been hard on him too." That's nice of her. Oh, and it broke her heart, apparently. Well, then, give him one! Don't just leave him here in small-town Canada, ready to join some quirky Northern Exposure-esque community! The other guys wave goodbye, and Robby pounds his chest at his homeys. "Obviously I feel very rejected. It's very disappoint
ing for me. I guess the Descant family curse to not get married is alive and well, because here I am on the damn train tracks," he says, picking up his bags and heading into town before he gets assaulted by moose during rutting season. And we're forced to watch endless shots of Jillian looking all morose at the thought of eliminating a really great guy, because she was totally forced to be on this show and play it exactly the way it always gets played, right? She says that with Robby, the conversation never got it deep as it should have. Ouch. Hear that, Robby? Jillian didn't think your conversation was deep enough. Jillian. She whines again about how she doesn't like hurting people like that. Again, she was forced to do this, you guys.
Back in the Douchebag Car, the guys are still marveling over Robby being let go. "It's getting real," says Jake, so everyone watching can cross out the "Some Idiot Says 'It's Getting Real' Even Though Someone Says That Every Week" space on your Bachelorette Bingo card. Michael tells us, "The dam broke, and the flood's coming," whatever that's supposed to mean. And then he's actually crying, for god's sake, and says something about lightning striking and a tornado being on its way, and he really needs to stop being on television and saying things to people.
Meanwhile, Wes is telling us that if there's anyone there with a hidden agenda, it's him, because he's been working on his new album for a year. "Do you think people are overnight successes? They're not! I have nothing to lose. I have everything to gain, so I just kind of slipped back into Jillian mode," he says.
And we go watch him wake up Jillian, who apparently didn't notice that a camera crew was filming her as she slept. So he's there under the guise of cheering her up, and she blithely tells us that Wes always makes her feel better, and she feels safe with Wes, and then she's telling him how hard things are, and she kinda wishes there were more jerks there, like baby, you're in luck! He advises her to stick around for a while. And she cuddles into him and says she likes him.
Cut to Wes all but cackling and twirling his Snidely Whiplash mustache, talking about the fame he'll get from this show. "I taste it. I eat it. And it comes inside me and becomes a part of me," he says. "Fame"? Quick, Wes: name THREE PEOPLE who have been on this show. "Fame"? Give me a break.
So anyway, I ... oh my god, did he just say "It comes inside me"? IS THAT WHAT HE SAID?
After I regain consciousness, Wes is all snuggled up with Jillian, their eyes closed. "I got records to sell!" he says. Ah, there's the cackling. He also proudly proclaims that he'll always have Jillian wrapped around his little finger. Hee! It's about time Wes started being honest.
So the morning, Jillian is talking about how leaving Robby behind broke off a little piece of her heart, or something inane, and so she wanted to start fresh and have breakfast with the guys, and she talks about how this is like an old-fashioned romantic movie, riding the train with all the boys. An old-fashioned porno, maybe.
Then Jillian leaves the guys with the date card, for Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake, Kiptyn: "stop, Rocky Mountain Romance." And Reid can't figure it out and has to be told that that means he gets the other one-on-one date. And then Michael opens his mouth and figures the date has to do with ice cream, because "Rocky Mountains" is an ICE CREAM.
And then the train is arriving in Emerald Lake, B.C., and everyone gets off the train except Reid, which luckily for him means that he didn't have to go snowshoeing and witness the return of Tanner's overriding foot fetish, and Reid got to sit and drink and read and listen to music on the train instead of snowshoeing and falling on his ass and throwing snowballs and saying that Jillian looked really sexy in her snow gear, over and over and over again. And then they play hide and seek, and Jillian is talking about how hide and seek made her feel like a kid again, like what is her obsession, and then Jake is jumping her for a quick cuddle, and then Jillian blathers on about how you can do whatever you want in the snow because it's so forgiving, whatever she means by any of this, and now that vein over my left eye is throbbing again, so I need to go lie down. Jake says, "Rolling around in the snow, and then the whole thing was just, kinda surreal, if that's the word to describe it." It's not.
And there's Reid hilariously feeling sorry for himself, all by his lonesome on the train, worrying about his date. He amusingly asks a female train employee if he should wear glasses or not (she says no) or a hat. She also vetoes the hat. What kind of hat was he thinking about? A top hat? And then he gets some advice from some train dude about expressing how he really feels, and I was kind of hoping that it would turn out that this guy was just the ghost of a conductor who died averting a fatal derailment years ago, like in a Tom Waits song.
And then there is more horseplay, just before Jillian leads the gang of snowshoeists to a lodge where they're going to warm up, and Kiptyn and Jake and Jesse tell us that, guess what, they all hope to get a rose tonight. You know what? I have an episode of Wipeout on the DVR. Why am I watching this?
So anyway, after Jillian gives us some blah blah blah about how hard it's going to be to give out a rose, she takes Jake outside to go chat, and Jake tells her that he'd be lying if he said he wasn't falling in love with Jillian. Outside, Jillian marvels how fast this whole thing has gone, and Jake says it feels like it just started yesterday, and I have to disagree, given that it feels like I've devoted half my life to this soul-sucking show. He talks about how he got the first one-on-one date, but they haven't had a whole lot of chance to talk, and then they blather on about how she cares about him, and that's why he's still around, and then he says, "You're a lot like my mom," which is what every woman DREAMS of hearing from a boyfriend, and he talks about how nurturing she is. Then she asks him what it would be like if they had a hometown date, and he talks about how the relationship between his parents is the "neatest thing" he's ever seen, whatever that's supposed to mean, and he's sure his mom will tell stories.
Meanwhile, the other guys are inside plotting a way to break up Jake's time with Jillian, which is the kind of thing that outcast guys like Juan always get crucified for, and the guys all come outside just as Jake was apparently going to tell Jillian how he feels, and also go in for that magical kiss that would have ensured he gets a rose tonight. In an interview, he gets mad that he didn't say what he wanted to say, and also something about how he's worried that she still thinks he's much too awesome, or something.
And then there's Jillian and Kiptyn talking, and he says he's going to be "completely candid" with her, and it's not like he's sharing some dark secret with her; he's just being "completely candid" about LIKING her. Way to take a chance on baring your soul, Kiptyn! He talks for half-an-hour about how he treats people so awesome, and then they are making out. She tells us that when she and Kiptyn are together, their bodies physically get close together. How this is different from any other guy thus far is beyond me.
Anyway, Michael is whining about frontrunners Jake and Kiptyn getting one-on-one time, and so he's going to make a move, which consists of him asking in front of everyone what Jillian wears when she sleeps, and she self-consciously says underwear and a tanktop, but if she's had a couple of drinks, maybe just the underwear, and then there's Tanner offering to show her what he wears to bed, and then Jon and Kate Plus Eight watched for a little while and said, "My GOD, this show is a trainwreck." And then there's Tanner pulling off his pants, and despite the fact that he's wearing some kind of underwear -- pink, brief underwear -- his package still needed t
o be blurred. Reviews are mixed, from "all in good fun" to "that's not something you show the bachelorette" (no, not until the overnight dates) to "oh, the humanity" (recapper only). In an interview, Jillian says it made her laugh, but made her feel a little awkward, because she doesn't need to see the package yet. "Although it was huge," she notes.
So way to make sure Tanner knows you disapprove, what with immediately giving him some one-on-one time, Jillian. He tells us that Jillian knows he has a foot fetish (probably because he never shuts up about it) and she knows that he was ... it sounds like "blessed"? Is he talking about his package? The closed captioning says "born with it" but that isn't anywhere close to what he said. And then he is rubbing her feet to the extent that he has to interrupt her when she tries to talk to him about why he hasn't had a one-on-one date. He rates her feet nine, to nine and a half, and says her feet would be a ten if she'd paint them "mango-mango," and look at me going for the fast-forward button again. "Now that I've felt how soft her feet are, I want her to meet my family," he says. Yeah, that about sums it up.
So then the guys and Jillian are all "cheersing" with their drinks ... I don't know what they're toasting. Displaying your insecurities for all the world to see? Being morons? It's Jesse's turn for one-on-one time, and I think the producers told them to be as incomprehensible as possible as they talk about their glacier date. He says he wants her to come to Carmel and meet his parents. "I'm 100 percent sure that they would fall in love with you," he says, and now they are kissing. "Jesse is somebody that continues to surprise me," she says, like Jesse just revealed that he's Batman, for god's sake. She says there was a "special spark" with him tonight.
Michael's turn. WILL THIS NEVER END? They go outside to toast marshmallows, and Michael's spastic ridiculousness is really starting to grate, and they talk for a million hours about toasting marshmallows, like maybe Jillian can come up with a stupid marshmallow theory to replace her widely debunked hot dog theory. And then Michael tells us that he's known in the house as the young guy who makes everyone laugh, but he's ready to get romantic.
So he tells Jillian, "Here's the deal: it worries me a little to be falling for you, you know what I mean?" Yes, we know what you mean. You mean you're a moron who can't handle adult feelings so you result to romantic-comedy clichés, to wit: the inscrutable loner who says something like, "I'm falling for you, and that scares the hell out of me."
So let's check in with the guys inside. Someone says, "This is getting real--"
OK, forget checking with the guys inside. Oh, no wait! Tanner's coming clean with the other guys about being the one who told Jillian that some of the guys there had girlfriends, but he assures them he didn't name any names, and didn't throw anyone under the bus, and he thought it was the right thing to do at the time. But he just wanted to come clean with his "boys." Hmm. Solid of him. Jesse looks torn, and Jake sticks up for Tanner, saying he's not sure he wouldn't have done the same thing. You're too perfect, Jake. Wes is sure though, because he can't stand "tattle-tales." How does he feel about guys who use children's terminology for grownup things? He talks about not running his mouth about other people's business. Jake says he noticed that Wes immediately got defensive when Tanner came clean. In the room, Jake says if he found out someone had a girlfriend, he'd tell Jillian and also be upfront about saying he's the one who did it. Well, seriously. Just who are you douchebags supposedly there for?
Wes shrugs it off and says he's been here for six shows already, so he got what he came for: "That's going to be a huge thing for me. I already sang my song that I wrote for Jillian. Frigging serenaded her. It's a no-brainer. I've got what I wanted. If I could get a little publicity, then I could haul ass. Or I could stay and try to get the girl." After his little speech, no one says anything, but Tanner tells us that Wes is an awful human being, and he's going to be so pissed if Wes gets a rose tonight.
Meanwhile, Wes is all, "later, dudes" and suggesting that they seal this up and don't talk about it anymore, and goes out of his way to congratulate Tanner on being a man. Jesse says this is awful, but he's not going to talk about that with Jillian. Jake says he and Wes are good buddies, so he's going to get to the bottom of it, because if Wes is here for his album, then he's not here for Jillian. And it's not fair for anyone there who actually wants to get married, especially Jillian.
So then they all go hottubbing, and instead of drowning, Jillian babbles about meeting people's families, and gives the rose to Kiptyn. Michael tells us that kicked his butt. Jake is likewise disappointed. Really? It's disappointing to not continue in the competition?
And the day, Jake is still whining about the whole thing. "I think at this point I might not get a rose without opening up to her completely." So that means he has to go and pester Jillian in her room and have an inane conversation about how awesome this whole thing is. "I really like you, a lot," he says, laughing. "I'm not going to tell you that I'm in love with you, but it's, everything is just lining up." She tells him she's glad he talked to her, and she doesn't doubt how he feels. He tells us that he hopes Jillian saw how serious he is. Haven't we seen nothing but the rod-up-his-ass serious Jake?
And now the train is going through the Kicking Horse pass and heading on to Lake Louise, which is truly one of the most beautiful locations in Canada. Jillian says she had an instant chemistry with Reid but she wants to use the one-on-one date to figure out what "him and I" have in common. Here's hoping he's not a grammar stickler.
They're going skiing and possibly snowboarding, so Reid can experience one of Jillian's "happy places." Doesn't that date come later?
So then there's Reid falling on his ass time and time again, which means Jillian can make a lame joke about Reid falling head over heels for her many times, and then she praises him for being such a good sport, and it always amazes me when people are praised for exhibiting basic traits displayed by functioning adults. Like, "He didn't throw a temper-tantrum and storm off the hill! What an amazing guy!" And there's more like this, with Jillian pointing out Reid is a good skier so he could have just skied all day and made fun of her bad snowboarding: "But he never!" No, he never, Jillian. He never.
Back on the train, Tanner says he thinks Jillian and Reid are having a good time, and he figures Reid will get a rose. Jesse tells us he doesn't see any kind of connection between the two of them. Michael tells the group he'd rather see any one of the guys there get a hometown date over Reid. Really? You know, Michael strikes me as the type who would have said that no matter which guy was currently on the one-on-one date with Jillian.
Meanwhile, Jillian and Reid are now having drinks at an ice-sculpture bar on the side of the mountain, and it's really beautiful, and then they ruin it by babbling away about families and being in love. And then Jillian notes that Reid's ears are red, and he says that when a person's ears are red, it means they're horny. Or they have high blood pressure! In my case, it's a mild allergy, except I've never figured out what the allergy is. Anyway, I'm sure you'd rather hear about the two of them making out than about the mild allergy that turns my ears red. And they get warm to the touch, too! It's weird.
So after coming off the mountain, Jillian says she had a great day with Reid but she needs to figure out how Reid would fit into her life, and she into his. And so they have a nice little fondue setup in what I presume is Jillian's suite, and Reid turns on his neurotic charm by talking about dipping the raw meat in the sauce that everyone's cooking their whatsit
in, and he goes on about it for a while. "I didn't have any idea that Reid was so neurotic," Jillian tells us, but at the same time she wants someone to share their insecurities. He's also apparently insecure about buying vegetables that were in all likelihood touched by people who scratched their asses with them. Well, fair enough.
Then they have a mind-numbing conversation about their respective types, and Jillian admits that he's different from what she's used to, and he says that he's had a certain type, and she's different. The girls he's dated have been blond, and they don't look like Jillian, which he says is a good thing. She asks about what Reid's parents would say Reid needs from a woman, and he talks about someone who needs him but also needs him to needs her, or something, and then she asks about what his parents would say about living with her in "the sticks," and here she goes again pretending to be a hick, because two million people in metro Vancouver equates to "the sticks," and he says those things work. "If you're two easygoing people, you just work it out. It just happens." And if it doesn't, then it's not meant to be. She says that's a good attitude, even though she clearly thinks he's crazy. "Easygoing"? They're screwed. She tells us that she thinks he's on her level, on her playing field. And then she picks up the rose and babbles about their connection and spark. "I'm a little bit worried that we don't have a lot in common." He says that's fair. "But I really, really want to go back home, and meet your family, and I really want to figure it out."
Anyway, then they're talking about being raised differently, and he busts on her (thankfully) for acting like Vancouver's a small town, but she's talking about Peace River.
And now the train pulls into Banff, and Chris Harrison is standing at the station waiting for it. It's time for your rose ceremony, he shouts at the gang, and Jillian hugs the guys and says she'll see them later, and that's when she and Chris head into a fancypants hotel where the two of them rehash all the stupid stuff that happened so far. Chris asks her about Wes, and the "certain stigma" that comes along with musicians, and she says she thinks Wes might have originally come on for publicity, but she knows he cares for her. Then she talks about Jake being "perfect," which she knows he's going to hate. Yeah, along with the rest of us.
Chris asks how things have progressed with Tanner, and she allows that he talks a little too much about the other guys, but she knows he has feelings, or something, or blah blah blah, and I must have missed the part where either of them used the phrase "creepy foot fetish."
So they talk a little bit about the other guys and Chris asks if she still thinks her husband is potentially in that room, and she tells him, "Easy on the 'h'-word," which really sounds like a resounding "no" to me.
Yay, rose ceremony time! It's my favorite part of every episode ever! Two dudes are getting eliminated here, and ... oh yeah, I always forget that to get to the elimination, we have to sit through Jillian babbling about what a great time she's having. Then she says she has some more questions, and asks to borrow Michael, who leaps at the opportunity. Jake looks over at Tanner, who shakes his head all "Search me, dude," and the guys all gather to powwow.
Outside, Jillian says she thought this would be a "walk in the park," and she's a little freaked out about falling for a 25-year-old, which is exactly what the remaining douchebags are speculating about. And this: "All right, who's got the girlfriend?" says Reid, half-jokingly. The guys look at Wes, who's all, "What are you looking at me for?" But there's no time for this, because here's Jillian back again, so the guys snap back into line.
Jesse gets the first rose. Twenty bucks says she leaves Michael in the last group of three. You know, for DRAMA. Wes. Oh, dear. When nice people make dumb decisions! Jake looks pained. And the last rose goes to... wait for it ... wait FIVE HOURS FOR IT ... Michael. Jake shakes his head. Tanner looks like he wants to kill someone. Jake hangs his head.
Tanner waves goodbye to the guys, and comes over to her. "I'm sorry," she says, and he simply hugs her and stomps out, and then rants to us, bleeped several times about what a mistake she's making, and how he doesn't understand it, and maybe it's because he doesn't play the bleeping guitar, and obviously she couldn't have been that scared by him if she let him rub her feet.
Jake shakes some hands and then strolls over to Jillian, who whispers that he's an incredible person, and he asks her to tell him what it was, and she says it just didn't feel right, she doesn't know what it was. "I did everything I could do. I absolutely laid down my heart," he says. Then he complains about how many times he's seen this. Fifteen seasons, in fact! Then he runs down the guys who are a left: "a dangerous guy" (camera shows Wes), " a flimsy guy" (camera shows Reid), "somebody really young" (camera shows Michael). He also tells us that he knows Wes a lot better than Jillian does, and she's going to get hurt. "Nice guys finish last," he says. Or, in this case, tied for sixth. And Jillian's toasting with the other guys, something about getting the hell out of the country. I'll drink to that!