Are we still in B.C.? Yay, we are! It's the morning after the Rose Ceremony debacle in which Jillian demanded to know who of the bachelors still have girlfriends, and nobody owned up to anything, which unfortunately means we have to listen to quavery-voiced Jillian talk about whether she can trust all the guys who are here. Don't look at us, Jillian. We're not the ones who think this is a good way to meet a life partner. So now this show is going to defile Whistler, B.C., and Jillian thinks this is going to be even better than all the times she's had fun here before, because now she's got a group of great guys with her. Some or all of whom might have girlfriends, right? Or boyfriends, for that matter. Jillian greats the guy from some old-fashioned bridge, and the guys only have windbreakers on, but it doesn't look that cold, but all the guys are acting like it's Siberia or something, and Michael's so cold that he runs to greet Jillian but keeps his hands in his pockets while running, which was weird. Jesse gives us the requisite "There are fewer guys here than last week, so there's more pressure and things are getting real" interview that is apparently required by law to be in the first five minutes of every episode. After talking about how he doesn't know if anyone has girlfriends or whatever, but he's more impressed by Jillian every day. Robby says he's so into Jillian that he's getting jealous, and plus he's still mad that the stupid girlfriend scandal prevented him from getting any time with her. But the first one-on-one date is going to Michael ("Come fly with me," reads the card), who interviews that Whistler is beautiful, even more so now that his turn has finally come up in the one-on-one date rotation. He jokes with the other guys that they might as well go home and basically gets all obnoxious about it. "I'm telling you, you're going to see a whole new Mike. Everything's about to change," he says. So he packs his bags and gets ready for the date. He tells us that he honestly thinks he likes her the most of all the other guys in the house, and says he's got a big crush on her: "I could sit in a room with her and eat spaghetti, and I'm going to have a really good time tonight," he says, whatever that means. Meanwhile, Jillian's still whining about last night and says Michael was almost one of the guys she let go last night, so she needs to see if there's a romantic connection there. Doesn't that answer her own question? This is what I don't understand about the show. Why not spend the one-on-one date with someone you know you like? Is it a requirement that you can't let someone do more than one one-on-one date? If it's happened before, I don't remember it, but at the end of every season I undergo hypnosis in order to repress traumatic memories of watching this stuff.
So the date is zip-lining, which is where you attach yourself to a cable and go shooting through trees like a moron. "Oh my awesomeness," says Michael when he looks out over the ground below. Jillian says she's really excited to go, which isn't the same as saying she does it without getting nervous and doesn't scream like a terrified baby the entire time. Somehow, Michael says she was "adorable" and really "pulled it off." I think by "pulled it off" he means "she wasn't actually dying, even though she screamed like she was." So then Michael goes and sounds like he's actually enjoying it. And just like the goddamn ziplining from the roof of the building earlier this season, we are told that ziplining is just like love, because you have to take a step and commit to something and go for it. We watch endless scenes of the two of them ziplining, with Jillian telling us that Michael's like a puppy, completely unreserved. If he wants to touch someone, he's going to do it. Yeah, so do rapists, Jillian. Jesus. Then they zipline together, and Michael jokes, "We should try this later tonight in the bedroom," and he tells us that it was the first "spark of awesomeness," and it felt like they were a couple. So after they're done, they go for some hot chocolate, and Jillian asks if he had fun, and he says, "I had all the way fun today," like how much more of Michael's inanity are we going to be forced to endure? He asks how this compared to skydiving, and she says it was more fun because she was connected to him, or something gag-inducing like that. Then she babbles about being a daredevil, and then she became super-serious and all about her career, but then people think she's "go go go" but she likes to have popcorn on a Friday night like PLEASE STOP TALKING. You should not be on television, saying things that people should hear, either of you. So then they're walking along the nighttime street in the rain, talking about ziplining, on their way to dinner, and Jillian says she wants to see if they can converse like normal people, like what exactly are you doing all day long, and they're eating in a restaurant where the walls are lined with wine bottles, some of which, Jillian tells us, seriously came from the 1800s. And then Michael is doing a talking head about how awesome ziplining was, and it's clearly taken from the same interview a few minutes ago in which he told us he was really looking forward to the date that night. Like, this show always does this, and I understand that it's probably easier to do one interview and ask the guy to pretend he hasn't been on the date yet and talk about what he was thinking about, but if they're going to play fast and loose and pretend they're actually shooting the interviews chronologically, could they not at least ask the guy to put on a different shirt?
Hey, did you know Michael wants the rose? I wasn't sure if he would or not, so I'm glad he told us that he does. Anyway, Andre is the waiter who shows up and gets Jillian to open a champagne bottle with a sabre, like did you ever hear of corkscrews, Andre, and he explains that burgundy makes you think silly thoughts, bordeaux makes you talk about silly thoughts, and champagne makes you do them. I guess everyone has been wasted on bordeaux all season. Back at the house, there's a card for Wes, Robby, Kiptyn, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid and Mark: "Let's call it a snow day," says the card, and everyone cheers and claps like they have any idea what that means. Jesse is genuinely excited, because that means he gets the other one-on-one date. Back at the date, instead of talking about normal things like normal people, they are talking like idiots about stupid things (namely, this show). Michael says, "I am a cheesy-ass romantic," at which point I blacked out, although I'd like to ask what the guys' obsession seems to be with ass cheese? David told Juan not to be a "cheese-ass" (and now both of them are dead) and Michael is proudly proclaiming his cheesy-assness. Jillian blah blah blah. Michael blah blah blah. Apparently the two of them could both get married if they found the right person. Fascinating! Back at the lodge, the guys are hanging out talking about the girlfriend scandal, with Tanner looking slightly uncomfortable about the discussion centering around someone making up allegations or revealing things said in confidence, and Wes seems to be hanging out and watching from upstairs. With the way this show is edited, who knows; they're surely just setting up Tanner ratting out Wes, which is what's been alluded to at every teaser. Then again, Wes isn't here for the right reasons, like beautiful feet. At the dinner, it's time for tough questions from Jillian: "I want you to tell me why you really signed up for this in the first place." That's not a question, Jillian! Michael takes a long time before answering, and then says he broke up with his girlfriend about eight months ago and "literally" has not been on a date ("with a girl," he says, hastily appending "...or a man") since then. Wow, a whole eight months? What are you, a priest? Poor guy! Then he slathers on a whole lot of bullshit on how it was "fate" for him to do this, and he fell in love very quickly with the idea of dating her, and then he slags off girls in the Midwest for not letting their hair down and kicking off their heels or whatever. "I really underestimated how fast I got attracted to you," he says, and Jillian babbles something about making sure he's here for the right reasons, and if I never hear the phrase "here for the right reasons" ever again it will be TOO SOON.
After several hours, Jillian picks up the rose and talks about how much fun she had, and how much Michael makes her laugh, and there's never a lag in conversation, which she for some reason thinks is a good thing, like if anything these two need to SHUT UP for TWO GODDAMNED SECONDS, and then he gets the rose, and he gives us the whole "never expected to develop these feelings" speech and says he can see himself waking up to her every morning. So the day, the "snow day" card is all about taking the group date on a snowmobile trip, and Jillian is still talking about how some guys supposedly have girlfriends, and she's going to be looking at each guy and finding out if he's there FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, and she needs to know where each guy stands. Like so much for the last rose ceremony where she toasted all these idiots and said she just wanted to put the whole thing behind her, I guess. Anyway, there are a bunch of double snowmobiles lined up, and all the guys start calling dibs on who gets to drive and who gets to ride behind, and Robby gets to ride with Jillian, and for some reason Chandler Bing is telling us that when Jillian picked Robby, all the guys were like "what?" like how did I miss that Chandler Bing was on this show? And Robby rides behind Jillian, and says it was awesome to hold onto her waist. Awesomer still would have been for you to drive and for Jillian to hold onto your waist, you wuss. Jillian tells us it's "every Canadian girl's dream" to have eight hot guys snowmobiling with her, and I hate to tell Robby that I think she picked him to ride with her so she could find out a little bit more about the girlfriend situation. He also apologizes for raging like a lunatic at the rose ceremony over not getting to spend time with her. It's hard not to be distracted by the huge red mark on his forehead left by his snowmobile helmet. Elsewhere, the other guys are talking about how wrong Robby would be for Jillian, because apparently he drinks "like a fish" and doesn't have a real job. Ed makes a crack about maybe she likes taking care of kids. Robby and Jillian are babbling away at each other, and Jillian tells us she doesn't think Robby's one of the guys who has a girlfriend, and they have a big hug. Back at the house, Jesse and Michael are talking about how crazy the rose ceremony nonsense was, and then Jesse says "not here for the right reason," like here's a lethal drinking game for you, and Jesse says that Jillian will figure it out because she's a "smart girl." He does know she agreed to be on this show twice, doesn't he?
Then Tanner comes along to talk to Jillian, and I don't know why he's bothering since her feet are covered up by snow boots. And guess what he wants to talk about? Who's got a girlfriend! Tanner says he "wasn't trying to throw anybody under the bus" and says she'll figure out who's there for the right reasons, because EVERYONE MUST SAY THAT, and then he tells us in an interview that Wes is the guy Jillian needs to watch out for. And I happen to think that Wes's "Love don't come eeeeeasy" song is a far greater crime against humanity than him possibly already having a girlfriend. Speaking of Wes, Jillian's talking to him now, and all I can say is thank god Wes didn't bring his guitar with him on the snowmobiling trip. Jillian asks if the other night was stressful, and Wes talked about how he was pissed off, and as far as being there for the right reasons, Wes points out that he's the one with a new CD coming out, which ought to set Jillian's mind at ease, especially when he couples that with talking about how he was working on the CD for long before he came on the show, plus he didn't sign up for the show; his sister signed him up for it, and it's no big secret what he does, so he doesn't feel the need to talk about it anymore (except for right now, I suppose). And he's surprised at the feelings he's developed for her. And then Jillian tells us she loves Wes and he's a great guy and kind of bad-ass and I can't hear the rest of what she says because I started banging my head against a wall, mainly because I knew it would be less painful than listening to this. And then they start making out. In an interview, he says he has his own thing going on in Texas, and it's true that this publicity will be good for him. Note that he doesn't say, "That's not why I'm here," but "I don't want her to think that that's why I'm here," which isn't quite the same thing. So after a gorgeous mountain sunset, the guys and Jillian are drinking at an ice bar at a lodge reserved just for them, and then Jillian gets up on the ice bar to Coyote Ugly it all up. And she feels she owes it to the guys to talk to them about her concerns, which makes NO sense, and then she's hanging out with Kiptyn and she wants him to feel how wet her ass is, and then they're talking about the girlfriend situation. "I feel that I could read that something was bothering you," says Kiptyn, who might be an empath on a supernatural level if he could tell something was bothering a crying, angry Jillian. And then the thing we know they are making out.
Back at the other place, Michael and Jesse are trying to have a nice quiet romantic night for two when a date card arrives for Jesse: "It's time to break the ice," says Michael, who thinks they're going ice fishing, which he notes is far less cool than ziplining across mountains. "Maybe she's going to break up with you," he suggests. Back at the group date lodge, Jillian's talking to Reid, and she tells us they got off to a great physical start but a slower emotional start, and I would argue that all the emotional relationships on this show are functionally retarded, so I guess that I would agree. Reid tells Jillian that she's so cool and she smells good, like snow and flowers and gasoline, and then Jillian forgets what she was talking about, before remembering that she has talked about nothing else but who has girlfriends. Reid seems evasive at first, wondering if she really heard that from somebody, and then he says nobody has girlfriends, except for Mark, Wes, Jesse and Kiptyn. He himself has multiple girlfriends and two wives, and then they have a big laugh and kiss. Back at the lodge, Ed sits down by a fire to ... I think it's Jake? Who asks if he's had one-on-one time, and Ed says no, and he definitely wants to talk to Jillian, and Jake (?) asks if everything's OK, and Ed says no. Meanwhile, Jillian's telling us that she can't help but notice that Ed sometimes seems separate from the other guys. So now Ed and Jillian are chatting, with her talking about what an awesome date they had. "But since then, I don't know how to read you." Ed tells her that he had a conference call with his boss this morning, and his boss has put a lot of pressure on him, and basically gave him an ultimatum. Ed tells us that his boss basically laid it out for him, like either you can have a job or you can be unemployed and go find love. Well, there's nothing women love more than a man with no job, right? Ed tells Jillian that she's exactly what he's looking for. Jillian says she doesn't want him to jeopardize anything for her, and if he had to go, she'd understand but she'd be really upset. Or, if you LIKE him, you bail on the show and date him. For god's sake. Ed tells us if she gives him some signs that he's got a shot, he's ready to give up his career for her, which may be one of the dumber things a contestant has said on this show, and that's including Dave's drunken ramblings last week about how great her ass looked, and how confused it made him when she didn't want to kiss him after he talked about her tits hanging out.
And then Jillian totally puts more pressure on Ed by giving him the group date rose. "I know that tonight was a hard conversation for you," she says, and says it was also hard for her. How was it hard for you? She tells him that she's giving him the rose to let him know that she likes him and she wants him to stay (i.e. GIVE UP YOUR JOB, ED). Oh, and she also says "there's no pressure with this rose" and she grants Ed the permission to think about it for a couple of days and if he wants to give it back he can. For some reason, this all makes Ed feel better. Ten percent shot at love! Woo! Kiptyn says he thought he'd get the rose after his one-on-one time. Jake says he thinks Jillian gave Ed the rose so he'd know she likes him and wants him to stay (which is brilliant, since THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID), but he doesn't think this economy is one that you want to get fired in, and he's doubtful that Ed will be around for the rose ceremony. So back in Whistler the day, Jesse's getting ready for his date. He doesn't know what "break the ice" means yet, but after he meets up with her, she explains that they're going to take a plane and land on a glacier. "I love it," he says, like maybe he's going to pull a face and say that it sounds like a terrible idea. So they fly over the majestic mountains, which Jillian calls the most romantic view she's ever seen in her life. "I think it's impossible for this experience not to bring us closer together," says Jesse. So they land on "this big, beautiful piece of ice," says Jillian. And there's not really anything to do but horse around and make snow angels. "I just love this so much! I'm so happy! I could play here all day!" says Jillian, and Jesse says he's never going to do something this incredible ever in his life, like ALL YOU'RE DOING IS PLAYING IN SNOW, JESSE, and then they are talking about connections, and Jesse tells her that regardless of what happens, he'll remember her for the rest of his life, which gave her butterflies, and I hate to tell her that would likely be true no matter who the bachelorette is. She tells us that being on the glacier is "prime real estate for falling in love," and I'd argue that if anything it's prime real estate for resorting to cannibalism. And then there's making out. Not that Jillian kisses every guy on the show or anything. Then they write their names in the snow (not "yellow snow," as Jesse suggests,) and Jillian's impressed that Jesse wasn't too cool to make snow angels or play in the snow, like, THERE WASN'T ANYTHING ELSE TO DO, and then Jillian says she's getting fat, and Jesse says she has the body of a gymnast, and then the plane eventually takes them away and it turns out they didn't write their names but "J+J" in the snow, which I hate to tell them will be smoothed out by the wind an hour after they leave. Jillian calls this the most amazing day in both their lives, which makes me feel sorry for the two of them.
So later it's time for their dinner, and Jillian says she was thinking about how she wanted to ask him questions tonight that were tougher than the ones she asked him during the day. She doesn't know if he's one of the ones with a girlfriend, but she knows she has to have that conversation with him. Beside the fire, she says they were talking about how he recently broke up with his ex, and asks if he thinks it's too soon to get into another relationship, and then he takes a squirm-inducingly long time to start answering. He says he carried things on a little too long, even though he knew things couldn't work. "I needed to be selfish at that point in my life," he says, whatever the hell THAT'S supposed to mean. "Oh, sorry, honey. I just needed to be selfish." "Oh, that's cool!" Jillian asks if they still talk, and he says no, which Jillian says is "crazy!" and I'll tell you what's actually crazy: people who break up and then think they need to stay friends, which is the bullshit result of television shows like Beverly Hills , which perpetuate this idea of staying friends with someone who dumped you but only because the casts of television shows can only get so big. Then again, if you're actually looking for healthy ways to build strong, lasting bonds of love, or how to maturely sever those bonds, you're probably not watching The Bachelorette. "I don't need to be as selfish now," says Jesse, like WHO NEEDS TO BE SELFISH? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Then she asks him where he sees himself at 35, and he talks about having a nice house and a wine bar and a wife and kids. She talks about wanting kids in the few years, and asks if that scares him, and he says it doesn't, which she can't believe, and it's too bad that Jillian doesn't realize that it's probably a good idea if a man doesn't buy into stupid Maxim stereotypes of refusing to commit, and then he asks her about leaving Vancouver, and she babbles about wanting to put her life in someone else's hands for a change, and despite the fact that Jillian has talked non-stop over the season about how great it would be to have one of these hunky guys take care of her, Jesse raves about how independent she is. She's the total package, he tells us, and he even loves her voice, and all I can say is try watching her on television for two hours every week, and see if you still enjoy her slightly hoarse babbling after that. Jesus, he's even telling her that she could have a radio show and people could listen to her and fall asleep, and calls it "sweet, sexy and raspy," and to her credit, she can't believe anybody would find it sexy because it sounds like she's been drinking whiskey all her life. Heh. Jesse tells us it's "arousing," which is a little more information than I think anyone actually wanted.
Back at the lodge, the guys are doing the traditional "slag off the potential relationship between the bachelorette and her current date" thing, and Ed kinda looks like hell and alludes to the problems that he's having and says he likes her a lot. "I could absolutely picture my life with Jillian," he tells her, and it's tough for him to know she's out getting to know someone else. Speaking of someone else, Jesse and Jillian are now getting into the hot tub, and Jillian can't believe where she went on her date, and who she was with, and Jesse says he thinks she would have had just as good a time with anybody else, which she denies, and he says he's trying to prove to her that he's the right one for her, and she pretends that all she cared about was having a good time there with him, and if she wanted someone else to experience it, that person would have been there with them. Yeah. Because the producers said to her, "For this date, you're going to play in the snow on a glacier. Who are you taking?" and Jillian actually factored in "glacier date" when picking who to go with. She came up with ten criteria, rated each criterion out of ten for every guy, totaled up the scores, and Jesse came up tops on glacier-date compatibility. He scored one-hundred percent! Then she gets up and goes and gets the rose and talks to him about what a great time they had, and he tells us that he's "glowing" and he's not going to be able to sleep tonight, and the two of them are making out in the hot tub. And so now we know that the clips of Jillian being really upset over some guy are not, as I think ABC has been trying to pretend, anything to do with Jason "Satan" Mesnick returning, or Jillian finally finding out that one of the guys definitely has a girlfriend, but is in fact Ed telling her that he has to leave. "Since we talked last, a lot of things have changed, and I just have to talk to her," he tells us. Jillian knocks on his door, and he invites her to "have a seat" on his couch, and he talks about how much he likes her, and alludes to how "some things have transpired," and he's talked to his boss, and he's not being fair to them, and he hems and haws and says he has to leave. He asks how she feels, and she says it sucks, but she understands, but she likes him, and it sucks, and she's tearful. She says it's good that they do this now instead of years later, or something. And I feel like the only way this scene is at all emotional is if you don't understand that these people are ADULTS WHO CAN DATE WHOMEVER THEY WANT REGARDLESS OF WHAT ABC WANTS FROM THEM. I mean, JESUS CHRIST. If you like him so much, Jillian, pursue a relationship with him and don't EXPECT HIM TO GET FIRED FOR YOU. God, this show makes me angry in a new way every season. Ed says he feels like he's letting her down, but he'd be letting "six or seven" people down if he didn't go back. So they hug, and then Ed goes and gets the rose, and says he wants to keep it. "What does that mean?" she says, and he says he just doesn't think anybody else should have it, and she says "fair enough" instead of "this is the stupidest fucking thing ever," and she makes him promise that when he finds the person he's crazy about to not let work get in the way. Hey, good advice, Jillian! How about this: if you find the one you're crazy about, don't let the stupidest goddamn television show in the history of television get in the way! How about that? And he sees her out the door, and she tells us, tearfully, that she was not ready to let Ed go, and by this point I was yelling "Then DON'T!" at the television and my wife and my daughter are starting to really worry about me. She says she wishes he'd thought about this before he came here. Yeah, he should have thought, "Gee, the bachelorette would probably expect me to get fired for her, so maybe I shouldn't do this." She tells us that she threw away everything she had to do this and she probably won't get it back, whatever that's supposed to mean.
Ed loads his stupid luggage in a van and says stupid things about how Jillian could have been the one, but apparently now they can never ever speak again because The Bachelorette has that much say over your personal life. And then -- good GOD, how long can Jillian whine about missing Ed? I'm fast-forwarding. "No matter if you're wearing the pants or not, it doesn't protect you from getting your heart broken," she says. And then she goes for a walk in the snow. Lucky the cameras were planted strategically to catch her looking all pensive and melancholy. She wonders if she has enough to offer to someone to sacrifice for her. Look, sacrificing your dignity is one thing, but people have rent to pay. Man, despite having a DVR, I actually look forward to the commercials when I'm watching this show. But relative to the show, the commercials actually provide some intellectual stimulation. And this ABC affiliate is particularly bad for its local newscasters awkwardly tying the show to its upcoming newscast. Like when you're watching Wipeout, the newscaster will tease an upcoming story about a husband and wife who've been together for decades "without a wipeout," that kind of thing. Jillian gets ready for the rose ceremony, which will be hard, because Ed won't be there. God, it's not like he was killed in Iraq. Get over it! I suppose the upside is that Jillian has stopped talking about guys who have girlfriends, and we haven't heard "here for the right reasons" for several minutes! She almost starts CRYING again. Chris Harrison comes in to ask her about what's going on, and Jillian says Ed had to leave, and Chris pretends like he didn't know all this. Chris asks if she was falling in love with Ed, and she says he was definitely one that she was starting to fall in love with, and he says she seems more emotional now than when Jason gave her the boot, which she agrees with. Yeah, so it's too bad that you're NEVER ALLOWED TO SEE OR TALK TO THE GUY EVER AGAIN, apparently. But then we have to rehash the stupid girlfriend thing again, and Jillian says she's confident she won't fall in love with a guy who has a girlfriend. Chris asks if she can trust Tanner, and she thinks she can, but if Tanner's there to fall in love with her, he needs to focus on that, instead of what the other guys are doing. Oh, and he probably ought to quit his job. Jake? Jake's perfect (which she reminds us he hates to be called), but she doesn't know if he's the one. Mark? Great guy, has energy and depth, but hasn't once said he really likes her. Robby? She hasn't spent a lot of one-on-one time, but she feels like she knows him really well.
Chris asks her about Wes, and she says Wes has been really open with her, and he makes her happy. Chris says despite what's happened today, her head seems in the right place. On her neck? Yeah, looks about right. Also, she hasn't stopped crying about the whole stupid thing, Chris. She says she's going to miss Ed, but Ed wasn't the only one she was falling for. You know what, Jillian? I'd quit my job for love, but I'd sure as hell expect the woman I was doing it for not to be falling for MULTIPLE OTHER PEOPLE. So Jillian goes over to the wall of cheesy pictures of the bachelors and talks about how hard this process is, but that's the way it should be, because god knows this shit is important. So Chris explains to the assembled bachelors that Jillian didn't need a cocktail party to help her decide, and since Ed's gone, only one more person will be eliminated tonight. Jesse and Michael are safe (the two of them exchange a fist bump). Jillian comes out in a nice burnished silver gown, so it's nice that as usual, a bunch of the guys can't be bothered to put on ties or even pants that AREN'T JEANS. Jillian babbles about how she's had not just some of the best dates this week, but some of her best days. I must have missed how awesome her days were, what with her crying either about unnamed bachelors with girlfriends, or Ed leaving. She said she's sorry to see Ed go, but she's standing before a "remarkable" group of guys. Anyway, that's enough. It's time to start handing out roses. Reid. Kiptyn. Robby. Jake. Tanner. Last rose goes to Wes, which isn't much of a shocker, since I think everyone has forgotten that That Guy Mark was actually on the show. Mark exchanges goodbyes ("Goodbye." "Who are you?" "I'm Mark!") He hugs Jillian and tells her to look him up when he's in Denver, and he talks about how he couldn't get past his own barriers, and he's been cheated on four times, and I hate to tell him that everyone's going to forget him five minutes after this show ends. Over the closing credits, we watch Jillian attempt to mess with Texas Wes by seeing if he can cross-country ski, which of course he can't -- not that she can either. Give The Bachelorette a Tubey! She has nothing else to live for!