Wet, But Not Very Wild

Aaron mentions Helene's big family and asks if she'd like to have a big family of her own some day. She says maybe two or three kids. Aaron "jokes" that he wants eleven kids, enough for a football team. I suspect that he's not really kidding. Helene makes a point of mentioning that he's not the one who is going to have to pass them out like cannonball-sized gallstones.

Aaron asks Helene if she's ever been horseback riding. She hasn't. Gee, you'd think they'd ask the women about their interests and such before arranging their dates. Oh wait, that assumes the producers care at all about the women's interests. Silly me. We want pretty mountain shots and hot tubs and boobies! The horses continue to refuse to face the camera. They don't want to be part of this farce. Aaron tells Helene that they'll saddle up when she's ready. She picks at the food and suggests they eat some more. She really doesn't want to ride the horse. See 'N Say Aaron ignores her discomfort and tells us that he's getting to know Helene better and they're having lots of fun. Yes, look at what he learned: Will she leave New Jersey? Maybe. Does she want to stay in her field of psychology? Possibly. Does she want a big family? Perhaps. We're all cracking that mystery that is Helene.

Aaron and Helene go horseback riding. Helene does fairly well for somebody who's never been on a horse before. She tells her horse, "Follow your boyfriend. Follow my boyfriend." I can see how she'd get confused. They both have the same teeth. They travel for a while and eventually end up back at the picnic site. Aaron helps Helene off her horse. The horses go back to ignoring everybody else. Helene tells us that she's starting to trust Aaron more and is starting to open up and share her feelings with Aaron in order to see what his feelings are. If she says so.

The sun sets on Aspen. If they did anything else all afternoon, we don't get to see it. Helene and Aaron head to a place called Caribou Alley for dinner. Helene asks Aaron what his favorite food is. It's seafood. Helene is glad, because she couldn't be with somebody who didn't like seafood. Prince Charming could come knocking on her door, but if he was allergic to shrimp, she'd just slam it in his face. Aaron suggests that if they stay together, they'll be eating out a lot, because Helene doesn't like to cook, or so we were led to believe on their date two weeks ago. Aaron insists that he doesn't care, but the fact that he brought it up in the first place passive-aggressively suggests that he does. Helene clarifies that she actually does cook, usually seafood dishes. Maybe these two are living examples of those recent stories about mercury poisoning and the dangers of eating too much seafood?

Helene says that her school-related job makes for early workdays, and that she'd be able to take the kids home from school. Aaron asks if Helene intends to work after she has kids. He says, "I guess if you had to, you would, but ideally if you didn't have to, you probably wouldn't. I don't know." Um, are you going to ask Helene or just decide on her behalf? He essentially just told Helene that he wants her to be a stay-at-home mom. I would bail on this whole thing on the basis of Aaron's attitude right here. Assuming I would ever agree to be on a show like this, which is very unlikely. And assuming they would ever have a gay version of this show, which is really unlikely. And assuming that gay men could bear children, which, well...no. Anyway, rather than regarding Aaron with a withering glare until he apologizes for his presumptuousness, Helene says that she might consider staying at home while her kids are really young. That's not as good as spraying Aaron with mace, but at least she's making it clear that she's going to be the one to decide whether or not she'll continue to work.

Helene and Aaron blather on about their musical backgrounds. Helene played the clarinet in school, but not very well. That probably puts her in line with about 75% of all public-school clarinet players. She says that she couldn't get enough "air" to play well. Aaron acts surprised at the idea that somebody as talkative as Helene couldn't get enough air. She gives him a look. They both laugh at the terribly unfunny joke. Aaron tells us that he's seeing a change in Helene, and that he's seeing the "true" Helene now. The Helene whose wine goes straight to her nose for some reason, and whose laugh can set off car alarms.

Now it's time for an alleged surprise, even though neither Aaron nor Helene has any hope of pretending that they don't know what this is. Aaron pulls out an envelope. Inside are a key and a card. Aaron reads the card out loud: "Hello Helene and Aaron. Hope you are enjoying your stay in Aspen. If you decide to forego your individual rooms, you can use this key to stay as a couple in our 'fantasy suite.'" Aaron suggests that they can go there and sit in the hot tub and "drink some vino." Ech. Tool. Oh, and if you're going to act like you didn't know what the card said, perhaps you shouldn't clue us all in on the fact that you already know what's in the "fantasy suite"? Doofus. Helene says that she's looking forward to it, with the sort of excitement not seen since Pluto Nash hit the theaters. Helene tells us that sharing a room is great because it allows them to get to know each other better. Possibly in a "Your Body Is A Wonderland" kind of way.

Their "fantasy suite" is actually a beautiful house. I guess consistent use of terminology is more important to this show than actual accuracy. Aaron tells us what we can clearly see. They go inside and marvel at everything. Yes, it is indeed beautiful, but unless there's a unicorn chained up in the backyard, I think it falls a little short of a "fantasy," considering that these women were living pretty pampered at the Malibu Dream House. Aaron suggests that they check out the back deck area, because that's where the hot tub is, and Aaron is just simply unable to function without simmering himself for at least an hour a night.