Fun For The Whole Family

Previously: Everybody sucked. Are we all caught up now? Tonight: Chris will say some things. Then Aaron will say them again. And then one of the bachelorettes will say them, too. And then Aaron will say something he said earlier. And then Chris will, too. And then Aaron will say the same damned things he's said every episode so far. And then Chris will, too. The end.

Oh, fine.

Tonight, the four remaining bachelorettes move out of the Malibu Dream House and then arrange to bring Aaron to their hometowns to meet the families. Brooke scarily narrates that moving out allows each of the bachelorettes to "focus on Aaron, rather than each other." I can't even begin to explain how psychologically unhealthy both parts of that statement is. We see clips of the families. We see that threat by a relative of Brooke's to have some Marine beat Aaron up if he hurts her. Chris narrates, "In less than two weeks, Aaron could propose to any one of [the women]." Yeah, "could." I would treat that "could" similar to the one you might find in, "You could launch bottle rockets out of your ass. But unless you're Steve-o, you probably won't." (Yes, I saw Jackass: The Movie. Shut up.)

Aaron narrates to us that he's going to these four hometowns to meet the bachelorettes' families. See? See? He says that this is "serious," because these families may "meet [him] once, and then they may never see [him] again." What is he even saying? How is that serious? God, that sounds like a threat. Like, "They better treat me right, or I'm gonna dump their little girl." And considering how the rose ceremony goes, it may very well be exactly what he means.

At the Malibu Dream House, the women are all loaded into limousines, as Chris Harrison stands around, trying to be relevant. Say goodbye to the Malibu Dream House. Of course, they're going to keep coming back for the rose ceremony, so it's still around, but now strangely pointless. It's not like they're going to get to keep the house after it's over. See 'N Say Aaron spouts out that these visits are very important and that he has a huge decision to make.

First up is a trip to Buffalo, NY, to meet Gwen's family. They don't even go to the family home. At least somebody on this show values privacy. Instead, Aaron meets up with Gwen at some restaurant/club called Bijou. She's wearing a tiny red dress, by the way. Because Aaron goes for the red. I bet the women all went out and bought new red clothes just for him. Gwen introduces Aaron to her parents, Marie and Phil; her sister, Mary Beth; and her best friend, Lisa. Gwen has definitely inherited that forehead of hers from her mother. Genetics is a harsh mistress. Just ask my nose. I have yet to find a single pair of sunglasses that I can wear without looking like an insect.

So after that lunch meeting, Aaron and Gwen take a limo out to Niagara Falls. Gwen expresses surprise about the whole list of questions. What exactly was she expecting from them? I find it fascinating that she didn't expect her parents to have a lot of questions for Aaron. She wonders if Aaron's mother would have a lot of questions for her. Well, as long as you set goals and meet them, Aaron's mom will think you're the greatest.

Gwen explains to us that they went to Niagara Falls, just in case that giant waterfall in the background confused you. The show, of course, arranged that the two of them got to look from an observation deck alone. Whereas, when I visited the Falls, I was surrounded by hundreds of tourists snapping and jabbering away, which sort of interferes with any attempt to quietly enjoy the grandeur. I wanted to push this one guy who kept making "Watch that first step" jokes over the edge to shut him up, but without Dad, I wouldn't have been able to pay for the hotel room. Aaron wraps his arm around Gwen's waist as she explains to him that the Horseshoe Falls are named as such because they're shaped like a horseshoe. They hold hands. They kiss chastely. Gwen tells us that she "really likes Aaron a lot" and that her heart was racing and that she feels more connected to him. They kiss some more. Gwen starts to tear up a little bit as she explains that she never thought she'd feel that way about somebody she's been dating for only a few weeks. She concludes that it's worth it to put her heart on the line. "That's what life is all about," she says. So bland. Can you imagine what their children would be like? I hope they rebel by becoming cross-dressing, socialist, Goth skate punks.

Aaron tells us that he had a lot of fun with Gwen and adds, "She could be the one," in a "hey, you never know!" tone of voice. He concludes that the other three women have "a lot to live up to." Uck.

Commercials. We return to Philadelphia. Look there's that statue that spells out, "Love." Like this show! It's all about love! Aaron's there to meet with Helene for the family gathering. Aarrrrgh! Aaron explains to us that he just met with Gwen's parents. We were there! Jesus! He continues on to explain to us that he's here to meet Helene's family. We've picked up on that. You're hugging Helene right now. Look! There you are right now! In Philadelphia with Helene! It's not like you and Helene have decided to get together to go meet Brooke's family or something. Jeez. Aaron explains to us that he hopes meeting Helene's family will "shed a light" on why Helene presents such a "challenge" for him. Yeah, there must be something weird going on with her family. I mean, it's not normal for a woman to have high expectations for a potential romantic interest or anything, is it?