Previously: Aaron was a perfect man who writes symphonies and farts potpourri. Christi was crazy. Kyla was pissy. Chris was hyperbolic. He still is. Now, some of these women are falling in love, or so Chris would have us believe. The narration on this show has about as much credibility as a Matt Drudge column. We see shots from the dates we're going to see tonight. I'm not going to recap them right now because I'm tired of humoring this show's repetitive scenes, narration, and interviews. I'll recap them as they actually happen. There are six women left. There are four roses to be given. "Who will be sent home broken-hearted?" The answer to that question: Ben Affleck.
Morning comes to the Malibu Dream House. A real deer stands placidly in the yard, to some statues of faux deer. They used that shot to enhance the whole "fairy-tale" conceit they seem to be pushing at us. A shot of the deer nosing through their trash, nibbling on apple cores, may be more realistic, but that's not exactly the stuff of fantasy, now, is it? Inside, natural beauty clearly isn't good enough for these women, as they all primp and doll themselves up. There's a montage of various bachelorettes blow-drying their hair. Fascinating.
Chris calls the women into the living room, looking like he just wandered by from a frat kegger. Dude, you could at least tuck in your shirt, you know. You're on television. The six women come out and sit on two couches. After some small talk, Chris explains the details of this round: three women will get one-on-one dates with Aaron. The remaining three will get one group date. Who well get the one-on-one dates? Before the show, all the potential bachelorettes had to take a personality test. Since we all know by now that the test wasn't to weed out the crazy ones, Chris reveals that they gave the women the tests to determine "scientifically" which women's personalities match closest to Aaron's. The three women with the best matches get the personal dates. They would have done these dates earlier, but they had to send Aaron's test to a special laboratory, because the use of an electron microscope was necessary in order to read his results. Chris tells them all to expect Martha Stewart gift boxes over the couple of days to reveal who gets which date. After he leaves, Heather says that she knew she should have lied on the tests. Does that mean she knows she's not compatible with Aaron? Was that a joke? I don't get it. Whatever.
The first box arrives. Heather goes out to get it. In an interview, Heather tells us that she went out to get the box. Maybe there's a blind demographic to this show that I'm unaware of. And what a coincidence! Heather is the first one chosen for a one-on-one date. Based on the little theme toys in the box, the women determine that Heather and Aaron are going to a spa. In an interview, Brooke claims that all the women are shocked that Heather was chosen, because they didn't see them as a particularly "compatible" pair. Whether or not that was cattiness or just an observation, I have no idea. It's probably a little of both.
Cult of (No) Personality
“ Heather asks if she has to get naked in front of everybody. Aaron stupidly says that it's a 'test of [her] skills.' I guess Aaron wants to make sure the woman he marries is capable of undressing herself without a major incident. ”
As Aaron gets into a limo, he voice-overs an explanation of the personality tests yet again. Blind people with no short-term memory. Are there a lot of people like that? Aaron goes on to say that he recalls Heather's video message before a rose ceremony that she's heard that Aaron is a good kisser and hopes to find out herself. He concludes, rightly so, that Heather is going to be rather "forward" on this date. And I'm sure there's no connection between Heather's aggressiveness in that area and the decision to give her the date where they both get naked. Just another coincidence.
Aaron stops by the Malibu Dream House to pick up Heather. They hug. In an interview, Heather gushes that she was so happy when her "prince" arrived. No, you're not getting that date. In the limo, they drink champagne, and Heather says she's never gotten a massage at a spa before. I find that hard to believe. She has a total spa personality, if that makes any sense. They talk about the process of getting massages. Let the record show that Aaron mentions getting naked for the massage first. So of course, Heather's all, "Yeah, naked, yeah!"
The two of them load into a helicopter to fly out to the spa. Heather clings to Aaron and narrates to us, "I see Malibu, but all I can know is that Aaron is to me, and I'm so happy to be sitting to him, no matter where we're going. He held my hand. He touched me, and I was just like, 'This guy is my dream.' If this is what love is all about, now I've realized that I was never in love before, because he is everything that I've ever been looking for." There's a scratching sound as single, heterosexual men everywhere write Heather's name just under Christi's in the backs of their black books, under the heading, "Do Not Date This Woman Under Any Circumstances. Not Even One-Night Stands."
Heather and Aaron arrive at some spa in Santa Barbara. In robes, they head out to some outdoor massage tables. They're told to disrobe and get on the tables. Heather asks if she has to get naked in front of everybody. Aaron stupidly says that it's a "test of [her] skills." I guess Aaron wants to make sure the woman he marries is capable of undressing herself without a major incident. She insists that Aaron go first. Eventually, they both make it onto their tables while hiding their naughty bits under the sheets that were provided for them. They lie on their stomachs, staring at each other, while they get their massages. Heather voices over that they had some sort of intense chemistry. Aaron jokes about slipping the masseuse a $50 to pull Heather's sheet down a bit so he can look at her ass. See, told you he was an ass man. And speaking of asses, clearly the reason we're not going to see Aaron's is because those snooty comments he made in the second episode about Alex leading women on have come back and chewed the sucker right off. After flirting with Heather about seeing her naked and wishing that he were the one massaging her or vice versa, he tells us that it was all just fun, innocent flirtation. Heather tells us all that she can't describe what's going through her mind. But actually, she can: "He is just everything, at this point, to me in my life."