“ A gift box arrives, and the women all coo over it like it was full of the offers for the sitcom walk-on roles that they all think they're going to get out of the exposure from this show. ”
Previously, Aaron determined after an evening of conversation that he couldn't possibly consider marrying ten women. I mean, he told ten women that he wasn't interested in considering them for marriage, not that he considered polygamy and decided against it. Although there's a potential reality-show concept right there for the taking. Something for ABC to consider while its entire fall line-up continues to crash and burn.
But before we start tonight's episode, it's time for another chapter in the epic novel, Why Shack Is Stupid. I taped this episode (successfully this time) and watched the whole thing later in the evening after I got home from work in order to write the recaplet. My second show, Firefly, is pre-empted for baseball this week, so I planned to start work on the recap Friday evening while doing errands and such. So I stuck the tape in and went out to get my laundry. But, see, I've programmed my VCR to tape at a certain time every week so that I can make sure I've got it in case I get called away or work late or whatever. So I come back in from folding my laundry, and suddenly the first ten minutes of the episode have been taped over with baseball. It started recording the playoffs while I was folding my shirts, and I managed to catch it before it went any further. Oops. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of plot by my subconscious to spare my poor, suffering brain. So if the first couple of pages of the recap seem rather...vague...it's because I'm recapping, in part, from memory. And my memory sucks. Sorry. All the good stuff happens later in the episode anyway, so I haven't lost any of the drama. Actually, losing the first ten minutes spares you a recap of Chris explaining what the show is about in a voice-over, and then explaining it again in person, and then having Aaron and a couple of bachelorettes explain it for us again. So, really, we're all winners here.
So tonight, we'll see Aaron take the fifteen remaining bachelorettes out on dates in three groups of five. After the dates are done, the five women who failed to lavish enough attention on Aaron will be tossed. Let's just assume that the women all make sad frowny faces when they're told this. Whatever will they do if Aaron doesn't love them? How can they go back to their homes and jobs and families without Aaron? Let's assume that several bachelorettes look forward to this date as a chance to make an impression on Aaron. Let's assume that Christi is one of those women, because I'm so sure she is.
The women await the arrival of a package, inside which they'll discover who was selected for the first date and where they'll be going. A gift box arrives, and the women all coo over it like it was full of the offers for the sitcom walk-on roles that they all think they're going to get out of the exposure from this show. It looks like one of those special themed gift sets that Martha Stewart tells us we're suppose to be making to hand out to the guests at the garden parties we're supposed to be throwing. Don't ask me how I know this. The things you watch when you're up at 2 in the morning. Dana, Gwen, Frances, Blonde Heather, and Helene have all been invited out to a day at the races. Who goes to the horse track for dates these days? That's something you only see on movies they show on AMC. I'm not sure any of these women own hats that are appropriately big and ridiculous for a day at the races.
Leaving Normal
“ Boobies! Hey, fanboys, you don't need to switch to Birds of Prey to see lithe young women in very little clothing. We've got you covered. Please don't go! We need you! We don't know what we're doing! Help us! ”
But since the date isn't quite twee enough, they're going to take the "train" to the races, even though the train looked like it was just a single car. Essentially, it was like a trolley. These "dates" are so silly. They seem even more ridiculous if you consider the fact that nobody on the date was actually involved with the planning. Isn't the point of a date, in part, to find out what sorts of things the other person enjoys? Well, somewhere out there is a producer who gets a woody from watching National Velvet. Allegedly, Aaron helped put these dates together, but I don't believe it for a minute. They're right out of the Blind Date school of orchestrated interaction.
Oh and at some point in all of these proceedings, Aaron starts talking to a bachelorette about art. He explains that he's a big art lover and, as an example, mentions a painting of a World War II fighter plane on the wall at home. I'm not even kidding. That's just hysterical. He's apparently as much an "aesthete" as he is a "classical pianist."
The women schmooze and beg for attention and do everything that you expect. Aaron, though, has his eye on Helene, and invites her alone out to that "balcony" outside the back of the train car where you shove people off if you want to kill them. They chat, and Aaron whines about how much high-maintenance women annoy him when they take forever to get ready to go out. Helene says she isn't one of those women. That's probably because Helene appears to be one of those effortlessly pretty women who could be dragged by horses through five miles of mud and still look stunning. It's easy to be low-maintenance when you've done laps through the nice end of the gene pool. Aaron tells Helene that he's glad they had their time together alone from the others. Helene's glad, too. Everybody's happy. Except the four bachelorettes who aren't getting the quality time with their man.
Back at the Malibu Dream House, seven bachelorettes have to explain to us that it's Angela's birthday. The remaining bachelorettes are all hanging around by the pool wearing bikinis. Boobies! Hey, fanboys, you don't need to switch to Birds of Prey to see lithe young women in very little clothing. We've got you covered. Please don't go! We need you! We don't know what we're doing! Help us! Do you need a job? Do you want to run our network? Suddenly, the phone rings. Suzanne rushes over to answer it. Christi, I believe, makes a snarky comment about how Suzanne just had to answer the phone because Suzanne is evil and everything she does has an agenda. She answered that phone maliciously! It's Aaron, who has been informed of Angela's birthday by a producer and just called to give his best wishes. Yay!