Hello. I Love You. Won't You Tell Me Your Name?

Super-mega-props to queasy, who provided me a tape of this episode following my VCR fowl-up. She even shyly informed me that I didn't have to acknowledge her at all in my recap. So, of course, I'm going to try to work her name in as often as possible. This show makes me queasy. Queasy, queasy, queasy.

Speaking of queasy, the show opens with Chris giving us a voice-over comparing this show to a fairly tale: "Once upon a time, there was a charming, young bachelor, searching for the woman of his dreams." Now where did I leave that bucket? We see clips of said bachelor, Aaron, along with brief clips of seventeen blonde women declaring their love for him already. Tonight, Aaron will meet the twenty-five women chosen by the show's producers on the basis that they're pretty, petty, desperate and have big breasts. Aaron hopes to pick himself out a bride out of the group. Not nearly as much as ABC hopes he does. Chris explains further that in Aaron's search for "love," plenty of women are going to get hurt and rejected along the way. Yup, that's a fairy-tale romance right there. We see clips of women being catty with each other and crying. Whatever will they do with themselves if they don't become Mrs. Buerge? They will never recover! A rejectee tells us that she's "not going to be okay." America laughs at her suffering. Will Aaron find love among these blonde camera whores? Will he ask his chosen camera whore to marry him? Will she say yes? Will their relationship end up as fake as Alex and Amanda's? We'll take another step in the direction of finding out tonight.

After a brief title card of The Bachelor that serves as the credits, we cut to evening poolside at the Malibu Dream House so that Chris can appear on camera and repeat everything he just narrated over the clips. Thanks so much. Here's some more dialogue courtesy of ABC's marketing department: "In just a few minutes, we'll embark on an extraordinary romantic journey that will hopefully lead two people to the most wonderful things life has to offer." A job hosting a crappy entertainment show on cable? The chance to hand out a couple of those untelevised Emmys for technical achievement? A spot on the celebrity edition of Fear Factor? A blind item in several gossip columns? Oh, right -- love. It's all about love.

Now it's time to meet The Bachelor. Yes, we already met The Bachelor last week. But we haven't heard enough about how wonderful he is. It's almost like the show is trying to convince us to marry him. Chris assures us that Aaron is wonderful and handsome and smart and accomplished and wonderful and smart, and did he mention handsome? Chris is going to push one of the women into the pool and take her place, I think. Chris wanders through the Malibu Dream House repeating the same damned crap, about Aaron finding love among the twenty-five women, that he's been saying for the past five minutes. It's not like we're watching curling here, Chris. We all understand how it works.

We get a clip show as Aaron as a kid, looking very blond and wholesome. He was born and raised in Missouri, and that's where he's going to stay. Well, that puts me out of the competition, then. Missouri sucks, except for Kansas City. And I lived there for six years, so I know, so don't go sending me angry emails. Chris narrates that despite his accent and midwestern upbringing, Aaron is a true "renaissance man." Europe suffers a minor earthquake as every contributor to its massive cultural and artistic legacy spins in his or her individual grave. Chris reminds us that Aaron's a businessman, athlete, musician, pilot, and restaurateur. In other words, he's unfocused. Aaron's parents agree to be interviewed to tell us how great he is some more. Ew. Why can't his parents be embarrassed about this like normal people? Dad tells us that Aaron gets the most out of life because he "squeezes every moment" blah blah blah bullshit. Mom brags that Aaron sets goals and meets them. Wow, what a catch. She's really proud of having instilled this quality in her son. I'm setting a goal of rolling my eyes at least twenty times during this episode. Let's see if I meet it. I'm already up to four.

Oh, this is my favorite part. Chris narrates that Aaron was always "a jock" (we see photos of him in soccer gear from high school), but he didn't want to be known as just a jock, so he also became a "classical pianist" and a "scholar." At what point did he transform from "someone who knows how to play the piano" to "classical pianist"? I think I'm going to go around calling myself a "Pulitzer Prize-winning writer." And I think it's telling that we never don't actually hear him play the piano; there's always narration over clips of it. As for proof that Aaron's a "scholar," they explain that he got a bachelor's in engineering from University of Missouri and his MBA from Clemson while he was living in Italy. Bwah ha ha! Clemson. I shouldn't make fun; my alma mater is no better. But there's a reason I don't go around letting people call me a "scholar." Clemson. Heh. And if I wanted to learn about successful business practices, I'd certainly turn to Italy, wouldn't you? More blather about him coming back home to get handed a job as a veep by his daddy and how he's been working on his career and hasn't had time to have relationships. But he has time to film a television show for weeks. Tool. He just wants somebody else to do all the work of finding all the desperate girls for him. Tool. Chris narrates further that Aaron recently underwent "life-saving surgery" for a ruptured spleen and now he's all carpe diem. Aaron's mother insists that he had "one foot in the grave" and it caused him to reprioritize his life. I feel sort of bad for not entirely believing that Aaron's life was in danger, but it's the show's own fault for exaggerating everything. It's the show who cried, "Love!" Aaron says that he has a big heart and a lot of love to give.

Back at the Malibu Dream House, it's time to stop showing clips and start the clock for Aaron's fifteen minutes. He arrives in at the mansion in a charcoal suit and brown shirt. His tie is the same color as the suit, but shiny. Ick. He's definitely not gay. Chris greets him and asks him if he's "ready for all this," as if he were about to jump a motorcycle over a canyon and not get his mack on with twenty-five women. Chris and Aaron head through the house to some patio furniture in view of the pool for an "interview." Chris asks Aaron why he agreed to do this. Aaron contradicts what he said in his interviews by saying that he's been out dating and looking for "Mrs. Right" and that this was all just good timing. Chris asks Aaron what made him take the step of being on this show. Aaron says that the women have a lot "going for them" already because they're obviously "outgoing and adventurous." Let me translate that into the words of my new boss -- who is the coolest boss to ever walk the earth and I'm not just kissing his ass because I found out yesterday that he's a TWoP reader -- when he explained why he liked watching this show: "The girls are really, really hot and tend to take their clothes off." Aaron also says that it's a "bigger pool of people" than he'd ever meet in Springfield, Missouri. Twenty-five? There aren't twenty-five women in Springfield? If he means there aren't twenty-five women who would hurl themselves at his feet in the hopes of a kind word or two, that I could believe.

Now they decide to make fun of Alex, which I enjoy, even though the show is essentially admitting that it was full of shit as much as a week ago. But, see, now they've got a good bachelor! Chris asks Aaron what he thought of Alex. Aaron didn't like Alex very much. He disagreed with the women Alex picked and how he acted on the dates. Aaron thought that Alex led a lot of the women on by misleading them into thinking that he favored them over the other competitors. We'll be sure to check Aaron's ass for any bite marks delivered by this statement in a later episode. Aaron insists that he's going to be honest with all the women. Aaron also derides Alex for not actually proposing, saying he would have liked to have seen him "pull the trigger." Wow. What a lovely turn of phrase there. This show. All about the romance. Chris asks Aaron whetherhe intends to propose if he meets a match. Aaron says, "It's possible." Yeah, whatever. I've read a couple of comments that Aaron looks like Ben Affleck on steroids. He definitely bears a resemblance during this interview. I don't know why they didn't just get Ben Affleck. Push, Nevada certainly needs the publicity. As does Ben. ["And ABC in general. Though for the record, I think Aaron looks more like Craig Bierko." -- Wing Chun] Chris says that they really hope Aaron finds that woman in this group, because going 0 for 2 will totally kill the show. Is Aaron ready to meet the ladies? Yes, yes he is. But first, a commercial break.