The "previously on" clips that open the show -- about five hours' worth -- build the tension like the first seventy-five minutes of 127 Hours, which has a happier ending than I think this show will.
We open in Cape Town, South Africa. "What a place to end this journey," says Brad, who is standing on a hill and saying that it's like looking at the whole world. I don't know what that means, but I do know that The Bachelor is whiter than even apartheid-era South Africa.
Brad's family shows up, and Brad can't get through a couple of hugs without crying. And then he apologizes for the crying, and he explains to us about why he's crying, which is that he gets "choked up," and then he's crying again, and he tells his family that he's happier than he has been in a long time. They ask him if he's considering proposing, and he says "one hundred per cent".
Brad tells his family that the two girls could not be more different, which must tell them a lot about how stupid this entire process is. Then the doorbell rings, and Brad says "speak of the devil," and goes off to answer the door, saying "I need some time with my woman." He seems to forget that he has two of them.
And then there's Chantal, hugging Brad, and telling Brad's family that she fell in love in Costa Rica, and tells an inane story about how they were drinking wine and then it started to rain and so they ran away from the rain, and it was totally awesome or whatever. And then Brad's brothers decide to talk to Chantal about whether she's really ready, and she is, and then Brad's brothers tell him how awesome she seems, and then Brad's mom talks to Chantal as well. And Chantal, unsurprisingly, is her sweet, charming self, and Brad asks her how she can be in love with Brad already, and I forget what she says but the weirdest thing about Chantal's audition with Brad's family is the usual unspoken "so what about the fact Brad is doing the exact same thing with another woman?" business.
"I'm so in love with Brad. I am. I'm ready to change my whole life for him," she says. Brad tells us that she is an extraordinary woman, and "If everything works out, I will marry her." Yes, you can make a lot of statements if you start them with "If everything works out..." and use a tone of voice that implies he has no control over whether everything works out.
And now it's on to Emily, and Brad tells us he's worried about the story of Emily's ex coming up. What are the odds of that happening? It's only the focus of every conversation. Anyway, Emily brings flowers, and she tells us she's nervous because there's a lot of pressure on her and they're going to be sizing her up.
Brad's non-twin brother Wes says Emily seems a little more reserved than Chantal. And then the fact that Emily has a daughter comes up. Which concerns Wes, since he's a father, and he wonders if Rikki's father will be OK with Emily going with her daughter to Austin, because yet again it's just assumed that the woman will uproot her life and go live with the Bachelor. And sitting down to lunch, Wes asks if Rikki's father will be OK with that, which immediately make Emily and Brad start acting all weird. And for the life of me, I can't understand why neither of them just says, "Unfortunately, Rikki's father passed away several years ago." Instead, Emily has to tell the whole story, the one where she makes it dramatic and sets the scene... "It was Sunday morning. It was raining out."
And then Brad's brothers sit down with Emily and decide she passes the Womack Test, and they chat with him too, and then they decide that Brad is ready to be a full-blown father. And does Emily have Brad's mom's approval? Judging by the tears streaming down her face as she tells us that Emily said Brad is her angel, I'd say the answer is yes. Brad says, "I have a huge decision ahead of me. I am just praying that my family can give me advice." Here's some advice: don't propose to a woman you've known for six weeks. This advice isn't very useful to someone who never followed (or received) the best advice he could have been given: For the love of God, don't go on The Bachelor! Brad only: "Don't go on The Bachelor again!"
So then Brad sits down with his family, and he's whining about the decision he has to make, like it's anyone else's fault but his own that he's gone on this fucking show twice now. The sisters-in-law seem to think a consideration should be whether or not Emily's going to be available to have wine and sushi with them. The verdict from Mom is that Emily's wonderful and Brad tells us that his mom is a pretty good judge of character, despite the fact that she didn't drop him off on the steps of an orphanage years ago.
So it's date time for Chantal and Brad, and Chantal has booty shorts on and she jumps into Brad's arms and then they go off onto a boat where they spot some sharks, and then of course the natural thing to do is get in a shark cage and go underwater and bait some sharks with chum and scream when the sharks bump up against the shark cage. Chantal is quite freaked out about it, and possibly also about the fact that can't seem to get her wetsuit zipped up over her boobs... which isn't really a problem for me. And they don't die, which I suppose is technically a good thing, and now this is some sort of metaphor for marriage or something.
Later on, Brad comes by Chantal's place for a final chat, and she gives him a bottle with some things stuffed in it: a map she "made," by which I mean she traced it from a kid's schoolbook, her swimsuit photo shoot, and a letter about how her world changed when she stepped out of a limousine. "I choose you and I hope that you will choose me. I love you, and I am ready to end this process and begin our lives together," reads the letter. Brad, who completely looks like he's going through the motions with Chantal at this point, says something about how this really puts things in perspective, which is a statement people make after world-shattering disasters. So it's apropos! "Those words were so powerful and so meaningful," he tells us, and they awkwardly embrace before he leaves, calling her "Shanny, Shanny, Shanny." Chantal really hopes she gets picked. And if she doesn't? "I'll be crushed. I'll be absolutely crushed."
And now it's Emily's date with Brad, and she hopes its her "last and final date as a single girl," and she's wearing some short dress that she has to keep holding down so the wind doesn't blow it up and let us see her underwear, if for no other reason than to compete with Chantal in the wetsuit.
They fly in a helicopter to the Cape of Good Hope, where Brad tells her "My family loves you," about fifty different ways, and then talk about what a responsibility it is to come in as a father-figure, and their conversation is super-stilted and awkward, and Emily tells us she hopes she doesn't blow things by overanalyzing everything. Yeah, you'd hate to spend too much time thinking about marrying a guy you've known for six weeks.
So he goes to Emily's place to reassure her that he's ready to be the father figure in Rikki's life. "Em, I want you to give me the chance, and I want her to give me the chance to be an actual father. Not a stepfather," he tells her, and she wants to know what he means. She wants to make sure there are no surprises, because she seems to think that he's not really sure what it means to be a parent. To her credit, I think she's right: Brad can say all he wants about wanting to be there, but there's a huge difference between Uncle Brad and Brad the Dad. But in his defense, what else is he supposed to say? And how exactly, here in South Africa, is he supposed to prove his intentions re: Rikki? Brad gets COMPLETELY flustered by her skepticism, and sweats like Patrick Ewing and has to wipe his forehead and he goes for some water while Emily tells us she's screwed things up. "I really just messed it up big time. Every time anything good happens, my head absolutely sabotages my heart, and I screwed myself." Well, that's a different show on a channel not owned by Disney. Brad leaves and says he's questioning everything. Well, sure. You told her you were ready to be Rikki's father, so I can see how a little "are you sure?" questioning from Emily would completely rattle you.
So it's the big day! Brad gets up with his giant cross tattoo on his back. "Today I have to decide between two incredible women," he tells us, and he talks about how he's ready to commit to Emily but he's not sure she's ready to let him. On the other hand, when he kisses Chantal there's a lot of passion. And then there's Chantal talking about how she doesn't want this love story to end, and Emily talking about how she's in love with Brad and she had enough heartbreak in her life.
And now Brad is brooding about it again, with shots of him literally sitting on the fence, and he's trying to pretend that he hasn't already picked who he's going to propose to. And now he's back at his place, and there's a knock on his door, and ... good god, is that his therapist? Oh, hold on, it's the jeweler, with a selection of rings for Brad to chose from.
Brad picks a ring and says, "There's something about her aura," and then, hilariously, Brad starts telling the jeweler about how the last time he was here he didn't put a ring on someone's finger, but now he's really happy, and the jeweler, who clearly doesn't give a shit, says, "I'm happy for you," and then Brad goes to stand on his balcony and look at the ocean and say stupid things like, "It's the best gut feeling I've ever had in my life" but unfortunately there are two women left. And how do they feel? Well, Chantal is "really scared. Terrified" while Emily is wondering if this is going to be the best day or worst day of her life, and I'm going to be charitable and assume that the "other than the day the love of my life and the father of my daughter was killed in a plane crash" was taken as read.
And there's Brad getting dressed, and Chantal getting dressed and Emily getting dressed. "I'm so confident that I love this woman with all of my heart," says Brad, who unfortunately can't resist adding the beyond-annoying "scares the hell out of me" cliché. Dark-haired Chantal is stunning in black, and blonde Emily is gorgeous in white. So we're going all Black Swan, with the major difference being that I can understand why someone would sign up to be in Black Swan. And then Brad is saying "I'm so confident..." again and how he's scared AGAIN.
Brad's at Proposal Point. Is that a buzzard flying overhead? There's a limousine approaching, with Brad talking about how hard it is to say goodbye. On the biggest and most important day of his life (his words), there's going to be a hell of a lot of heartache.
Chris Harrison opens the limousine door, and ... it's Chantal. Judging from the look on her face, she knows there's no proposal coming. She doesn't look nervous. She approaches him while there's a voiceover of how awesome Brad is and how much she wants to be with him.
"You look amazing, you always look amazing," he says. She totally knows this is the end of the line. He starts babbling about how he felt a connection with her from the very first time, and their connection has only grown over time. Up until the time it now doesn't exist, you mean? Holy shit, just dump her already. Now he's talking about her confidence, her self-assuredness. "Here's where it gets tough," he says. "I don't know how else to say it, except I have stronger feelings for someone else." Aaaaannd... here come the waterworks. He gives her a half-hug, and then tells her that "every single thing I've said from the very beginning I've meant from the bottom of my heart" and tells her that everything they've had is very real, which, for Emily's sake, I hope isn't actually true. He's taken everything she's said to heart, but, again, it's simply a matter of him having stronger feelings for someone else. And Chantal cries as she tells him he's an amazing person and Emily's very lucky, and he thinks she's amazing too. Then there is a lot of silence and he asks if there's anything else she wants to say to him, and she says no, and he ask if he can walk her to the limo. "Do you want to talk to me?" he says, like FUCK OFF AND LET HER BE SAD WITHOUT LETTING YOU OFF THE HOOK YOU ASSHOLE. "This is a walk I didn't know if I'd have to take with you, I'm being very honest," he says, and he really should stop saying things like this. I know he thinks he's being comforting. He's not.
They hug and she gets in the limousine and she cries and I hate this part because I like Chantal. It's not like she's Michelle, whose tears I would enjoy if she were capable of feeling sadness. Chantal bawls the entire limousine ride. She tells us that this doesn't make sense, and she really thought Brad was the one. "My heart just really hurts right now," she says. Aw, Chantal, don't feel stupid now. It's too late to feel stupid now.
Anyway, Chantal safely dumped, Emily's on her way. "My entire life, I've waited for this moment," Brad tells us, and talks about the calm confidence he has, and he wants to watch her walk toward him, and he wants to stutter and stammer in the speech he makes. "To say that I'm anxious or nervous is an understatement," Emily tells us, as we watch Harrison help her out of the limousine. She can't think of a day that would change her life more than this, and she doesn't want to get her heart broken again.
Brad tells her she looks stunning, and it's not the first time she's taken his breath away. She likes his suit too. "Oh, Emily. Where do I begin," he says. Ugh. He takes her hands and talks about how far he's come, and that when the time was right he knew he'd find the woman he's been looking for all his life. And he babbles on and on and then says, "I love you, Emily. I am truly in love with you," and she says she loves him too, and he gets down and says, "Emily, please make me happier than I've ever been in my entire life and marry me," and she says she'd love that, and they start crouching, which Emily has to do this awkward hunched over thing to do so, and he makes her stand up so he can properly put the ring on he finger, and then they both stand up, and he tells her that he's wanted to tell her he's loved her for so long, which is why this show is fucked up, and why everything he's said to any other woman in that time is a load of garbage, and now we are watching this cheesy montage of Brad and Emily's moments together, so we all forget that we could do the same montage with a couple dozen other women (times two if you include Brad's first time) with some awful song with some nimrod warbling "Maaaarry me," and Brad and Emily are still kissing and talking about forever, which would really buck the trend for the proposals earned on this show.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He loves this time of year: daylight saving time means it's lighter than the evenings, March Madness is about to start, and it's the longest possible time before the Bachelor season! Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.