Chris "I Can't Believe I'm Still Participating in This Charade" Harrison walks through the mansion and welcomes us back for yet another season of The Bachelor. He explains that "over the years, we've seen a little bit of everything" on the show. Everything? Have we seen a contestant singing "Yankee Doodle" while eating a cucumber and watercress sandwich naked? Admittedly, I haven't seen every episode of every season, but I think I would have heard about that one. In conclusion, shut up Chris Harrison's writers. Chris was apparently talking about the results of the show, including public proposals and public break-ups. He concludes by asking, "Who can forget Trista and Ryan's wedding?" Well, me. Because I didn't watch it in the first place. But I'm sure that most people who did watch it wish that they could forget it. Especially Ryan. Hey, Chris, where are you going?
Oh, he was just walking to yet another terrace. That place is Terrace Central. Chris tells us that this show "has the potential to give two people the most wonderful thing in life." Oodles of money? Sex slaves? Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream? "A marriage, filled with love and romance." Oh. Whatever. Chris leaves out the part where the show has never really done that, and moves on to explain that this season, on the final night, the Bachelor will either propose or walk away. In other words, you (the audience) know that the proposals (and promise rings) have all been shams, and we know that you know, and you know that we know that you know, and so on. So let's not pretend anymore! I like this new spirit of honesty! Chris, do you have anything else to share with the group?
Chris now walks into the mansion and says that they looked through thousands of applications in search of the perfect husband. Did he just come out on national television? If not, why is he looking for a husband? Oh, for someone else. Got it. Anyway, they copped out on making an actual decision (which is so like ABC) and decided to bring two guys in and let the ladies choose. What a shocking twist! I'm sure it will be the most dramatic...oh, you're heard that one before. You know those lamps that Vern always used to use on Trading Spaces before he jumped off that sinking ship? The silk hanging ones with a tassel on the end? Yeah, they always reminded me of a used condom. Sorry, if you own one. I'm just joining in the honesty that will surely permeate this season. Chris explains to us that now the women are empowered. Wait, feminists wasted all that time trying to pass the Equal Rights Amendment, and all it took was a rule change on The Bachelor?
Chris walks into YET ANOTHER ROOM, like, stand still for a minute, dude. He says that it's time to meet the two Bachelors, who have never met each other. Wow, I hope they get along! Because it's so important that they have chemistry and..what? They'll never see each other again after one of them is eliminated? Well, that takes all the tension out of this moment. Although it would be awesome if they ran off with each other, and the show was over. Two stretch limos pull up, and then break opposite ways around a fountain to meet in a fiery head-on collision. Not really, but that also would have added to the tension of the scene. One Bachelor exits each limo, and they look at each other in a manly, threatening way. Pistols at dawn! Chris introduces the two men to each other, and their names are Byron and Jay. Chris lies that men all over the country want to be The Bachelor. What happened to our newfound honesty, Chris? Byron interviews that he's sizing up Jay every way he can. Hmm, maybe they will run off together. Byron adds that Jay has "gray hair" in a "shorter, tighter look," and is "a city-looking guy." Yes, those city folk with their short gray hair. Byron concludes by vowing, "This guy is not going to take my future wife away from me." Jay interviews that Byron is "an imposing, confident guy," but that Jay wouldn't bet against himself. Whatever that means.
Chris leads the men out to the pool house, where they get it on. Just kidding. Chris shows them photos of the female contestants, and then cues up a videotape with the men's biography packages on it. How low-tech. Videotape. Even Mark L. Walberg got to use a personal DVD player on Temptation Island.
First up is Byron. I guess I should do physical descriptions here. Byron is tall and craggy, with longish blond hair, blue eyes, really white teeth, and lots and lots of sun damage. He kind of looks like Shadoe Stevens. We learn that Byron is a professional bass fisherman, and that his "office is every beautiful lake and river in the country." I know that was Wing's favorite line from the commercials, so I wanted to make sure I pointed it out. ["I did love that. I'm glad my office, unlike his, has a place to sit down, and electricity, and a TV." -- Wing Chun] Byron's from Southern California, and used to go fishing with his father. They have a lot of photos of young Byron holding fish. It reminds me of when one of my friends got married, and her maid of honor was trying to find photos of her groom for a slide show at the reception, and she complained that every photo of him as a kid featured him in his underwear, or holding a fish, or both. The sad music starts, and Byron voice-overs that his parents divorced when he was ten. So they show a photo of him at about six. Byron graduated from UC Irvine in 1987 with a degree in English. Wow, he's old. He thought about going to law school, but he had a passion for fishing. He lists off his fishing credentials, but I know nothing about the world of competitive fishing (or even really that there was a world of competitive fishing), so they mean nothing to me. Testimonial time! Byron's friend Mike says that Byron is independent and outdoorsy, but lest you think he is a lone wolf, Mike says that Byron is also "great in a relationship." How would Mike know? Hey, I'm not obsessed with the HoYay. Mike Fleiss is! Allegedly. Byron's great relationshipocity is represented visually with my favorite shot of the episode, which features Byron sitting by a fire, reading a book, and sipping wine. Who does that? Byron admits that he was previously married, but that he and his wife lived in Las Vegas, and his wife chose the nightlife over the homelife. In other words, his wife was a whore. Well, you know that's what he thinks. He certainly didn't take any responsibility for the failure of the relationship. Byron concludes by saying that he wants a wife and kids. And lots and lots of bass.
Jay has the previously mentioned gray hair. He looks a little bit like Anderson Cooper, actually. ["Who, like Jay, is a Bachelor of the Confirmed variety, if you catch my drift." -- Wing Chun] Jay explains that he started a computer company, sold it, and then went into real estate, and that he's had success there as well. Jay is one of seven kids, from New Jersey, and his family includes two sets of twins. Jay's mom (who looks really good for having seven kids, even if it does only add up to five births) says that Jay did well for being one of seven. Jay went to prep school and had to learn to be independent. Uh oh. Sad music. Jay was twenty-five when his father died, and it made him yearn to live a long, healthy life by taking care of himself physically. Mike, Jay's brother, says that Jay's old, and that if he doesn't get married now, it'll never happen. Good to know that happens to guys, too. Jay's mom wants Jay to get married, too. Jay plays with his nieces and nephews (he loves kids!), and voice-overs that the woman he brings home to his family is the woman he plans to marry. But...if he goes on the show, won't at least two of the women meet his family? Guess they didn't run that statement past Logistics. Ha! Like this show has a Logistics Department.
Chris returns and makes the men stare at the photographs of the contestants for, like, thirty seconds, and then reminds them that the contestants are arriving today, and have no idea that there are two Bachelors. Jay and Byron will remain sequestered in the pool house until the right moment for introductions. Byron interviews that Jay is the only thing that stands between him and twenty-five beautiful women. Jay interviews that he realized that Byron is his competitor. These guys aren't too swift, are they? They just now figured it out?
The women's flotilla of limousines pulls up, and they all screech and scream as they get out and approach the house. Hey, one of them got to bring her dog! Jay and Byron watch via camera as the women approach the mansion. Chris explains that all the women will be moving in today, which has never happened before. He tells them to settle in, and then head out to the pool for a party. The women hoot and holler some more as they stream into the mansion. It's not long before they are drinking margaritas and going "Woo!" The assimilation has begun.
“ Carolyn has Southern values, but she also has life experience. In other words, she can be both a lady and a whore. ”
And now it's time to Meet the Bachelorettes! Let's do it in list format, shall we?
Cheresse, age thirty-one, from St. Louis. Guys find her intimidating, but she's really sweet and sensitive, and she wants a guy to propose.
Cynthia, age thirty-seven, from California. She is "a little bit older" and "like a ripe fruit" waiting to be picked. She also has really bad roots, and you'd think she would have had a touch-up before going on the show.
Amanda, age twenty-seven, is from New York. She reminds me of Estella, with the long dark hair and slightly nasal voice. She's boring.
Carolyn, age thirty-six, is from Tulsa. She has Southern values, but she also has life experience. In other words, she can be both a lady and a whore.
Amy, age twenty-seven, is from San Diego. She calls it a "dating cesspool," because people aren't looking for commitment. She's also wearing an unexplained wrist brace.
Wende, age twenty-eight, is from Texas. She's also the sister of Kellyfrom The Amazing Race. She calls herself wild and jealous, so living with women will be difficult.
Lisa, age thirty-three, is from Florida. She is a romantic, who falls in love quickly.
Kristie, thirty-two, is from Windsor, Ontario. Canada, represent! ["Pfft, Windsor. That's basically just Detroit." -- Wing Chun] She owns a bar, so she hears a lot aboot relationship problems. She loves to sit and watch football all day. Can I marry her?
Andrea, age thirty-three, is from Denver. She already has the material to make her wedding dress. Creepy!
Nicole, age twenty-eight, is from Illinois. She is a headhunter, so she professionally steals people from their jobs. She hopes it will come in handy.
Kerry, age thirty-one, is from San Francisco. She travels as a nurse, and she wants someone to tie her down. Kinky!
Jayne, age thirty-seven, is from Key West, Florida. She's shy and doesn't get approached by men.
Krysta, age twenty-eight, is from Oklahoma. She won't settle for a cheap guy who won't pay for her dinners at fine restaurants. In Oklahoma.
Throughout this montage of women, Jay and Byron offer occasional commentary. Byron comments that Jayne is his favorite, and then he bumps fists with Jay, whatever that means. The women converse by the pool, and everyone is shocked at how old Jayne is. Oh, God. We're only halfway done with the introductions of the women. Strap in, folks! And now back to your regularly scheduled list:
Leina, age twenty-eight, is from California. She wants to have four children, and feels pressure from her mom to provide grandchildren. She's ready to settle down.
Tanya, age thirty-one, is from Texas. As she's gotten older, dates have gotten more scarce. Yeah, she's ancient.
Elizabeth, age twenty-eight, is from Chicago. She wants a confident man who can provide strength, because she's a strong woman. I don't know.
Alma, age thirty-five, is from Oregon. She looks totally normal here, but wait until later. She's had terrible luck with reality shows in the past (she was on Single in the City).
Kristin, age twenty-seven, is from Florida. She's ready for marriage because she went to college, started a career, bought a house, got a dog, and marriage is the thing on her checklist. And she must complete the checklist in the correct order!
Jennifer, age thirty-one, is from Seattle. She's a whore. Okay, she said she's been dating a lot. Same difference, right? She thinks her best feature is her lips. She fails to mention her giant fake breasts.
Abby, age twenty-nine, is from Las Vegas. She doesn't tell people that she's an acrobat, because men will ask inappropriate questions. She wants to be married before she's thirty. So she has less than a year. Of course, they do these things more quickly in Vegas.
Natalie, age thirty-four, is from Los Angeles. She has bad hair. It looks like a helmet. She loves romance and meaningful relationships.
Melinda, age thirty-nine, is from Nashville. She's never had to fight for love, but she thinks she'll step it up.
Susie, age thirty-two, is from Hollywood. She hasn't focused on her personal life much, but she's ready to do it now.
Ashley, age thirty-one, is from Santa Barbara. She's divorced, but it's amicable. She's ready to love again.
Kelly, age thirty-four, is from Beverly Hills. She's the one who brought her dog, a four-month-old French Bulldog. It's pretty cute, but that's rude.
“ Chris calls Jay out, and the women applaud. Yay! He's a man! ”
Jay and Byron are amazed at how beautiful the women are. Byron interviews that it really, really, really makes him want to be The Bachelor, now that he's seen them in bikinis. Jay interviews that more than one has caught his eye, and that he hopes one of them will be his wife.
Kelly interviews that she thinks they'll hang out by the pool for a while and then get ready to meet The Bachelor. Krysta and some other women come out of the house and pretend they're going to drop-kick Kelly's dog into the pool. And if the dog is far enough away from her that they can say that without fear of reprisal, she's not keeping a close enough eye on it. Krysta interviews that The Bachelor will think Kelly's nuts for bringing her dog.
Chris Harrison walks out and calls the ladies over. Once they gather, he announces that they are about to meet The Bachelor right now. The women freak out, because they are sweaty and not made up. Chris calls Jay out, and the women applaud. Yay! He's a man! Lisa interviews that she thought Jay looked like Richard Gere. Chris says that there is one more person they need to meet. The women twitter nervously, and Byron walks out. Chirs explains that he's the second Bachelor. Byron is wearing a wrinkly linen shirt and cargo shorts. He could have dressed up a little. Then again, to him, Jay (who is dressed all in black) looks kind of uptight. Amy interviews that she was shocked about the second Bachelor. Chris introduces Byron. Cynthia interviews that she thought Byron was "very, very hot." Chris explains that, tonight, the women will decide whether Jay or Byron will be the Bachelor in "the very first Ladies' Choice Rose Ceremony." The women scream and clap. Tanya interviews that it was great that the women got to take action and have choices. Krysta interviews that she's happy the guys have to impress them. Chris reveals, finally, that Jay and Byron have been spying on them since they arrived. You'd think that would be important, or come up at some point, but it totally doesn't.
Byron and Jay wade into the sea of women and start shaking hands. Jay interviews that it was overwhelming. Byron totally blanks on one of the women's names. Byron interviews that he wanted to get their names right, but that his brain turned to mush, due to the influence of bikinis. Jay and Byron explain their livelihoods to the women. Kelly interviews that Byron and Jay are complete opposites, so it will be really difficult. She wants to know their hidden qualities.
Jay tells a group that he decided to do this because he's single and ready to get married. Andrea interviews that the older Bachelors are ready to settle down. Byron tells another group that nothing in his life has happened by chance. Jay says that his hobby is international travel. Melinda interviews that Jay is how she would describe her perfect dream man. Jay says that love is one thing, but that lifestyle is difficult to overcome. He offers up the example that if he fell in love someone who lived in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere, he probably couldn't do that. In contrast, Byron likes to visit cities, but not live there. Byron interviews that he has a leg up on Jay because he's more real. Jay doesn't seem less real to me. He just seems less cheesy, and maybe a little less comfortable in large groups of people. Jay sits down with Krysta, Amy, and Kelly. Krysta and Kelly immediately get their claws out, and Jay looks scared. Krysta tries to talk to Jay, and Kelly keeps butting in and babbling nonsense. Jay interviews that he didn't come all this way to go home the first night.
Abby and two of the other women talk. What? Like you know their names. Abby says she hasn't talked to Jay much, and another women says he's a doll. They agree that it's hard to choose between the country and the city, so they wish they could smoosh the men together. Heh. Abby points out that it's not like Byron lives in a cave, and that he probably goes into the city sometimes. Abby, it must be pointed out, has no boobs. It's kind of refreshing to see a woman on a reality show without tons of cleavage. Cheresse interviews that it's cool to choose The Bachelor, but that they don't have much time to get to know the men. Byron sits down and talks about his first wife, and says that he married a younger woman, and married her potential instead of who she was. He thinks it should be illegal to get married before you're twenty-eight or thirty. Well, maybe for immature people who marry for potential, whatever that means. ["Yeah, shut up, Byron." -- Wing Chun, Child Bride] Some of the women are younger than his cutoff, so Byron saves himself by saying it's okay to be engaged at that age, just not married.
Tanya asks Jay if he's been married before. He hasn't, because he hasn't met the right woman. Tanya interviews that she's leaning toward choosing Jay, because he's there for the right reasons and seems genuine. Amy shares Byron's cutoff age with some of the other women. Amy interviews that Byron has a bias against younger women, and won't date anyone younger. Well, that's not what he said, but whatever.
Krysta asks Jay what he thinks about having two Bachelors. Jay thinks it's great that the women get to make a choice. Krysta asks if Jay wants to kick Byron's ass. Jay says that he's competitive, but that it's a lifestyle choice. Krysta interviews that she's leaning toward Jay, because Byron probably doesn't have much money. So in case you were wondering, she's this season's superficial bitch. Krysta promises to rally the troops on Jay's behalf.
Wende and Byron sit down and talk. Byron says he's divorced, and totally disses Jay by saying that it would be weird to be forty and never married, because it would mean you're not willing to have unconditional love. Wende laughs and points out that if his love were unconditional, he wouldn't be divorced. Byron says it's hard to love someone that you can't find, who disappears for three days. Wende interviews that Byron is a "deep thinker." Who apparently doesn't know the meaning of "unconditional."
“ Byron tells two women about a quote he heard that says that you want to marry a woman who, when you're both seventy, you still watch walk to the bathroom. I swear to God, that's what he said. I think the heat is getting to him. ”
Jay introduces himself to Cynthia. He interviews that the late afternoon was crunch time, and that he felt scared. She asks how soon he wants to have kids, and Jay says he would like to start trying after a year of marriage. Cynthia interviews that her mind says Jay, but her heart says Byron, and that she could see herself with both.
Byron tells two women about a quote he heard that says that you want to marry a woman who, when you're both seventy, you still watch walk to the bathroom. I swear to God, that's what he said. I think the heat is getting to him. Byron says that it might be romantic and idealistic, but that Amanda is right there with him. Amanda interviews that she couldn't pick a Bachelor right now, but that she's more physically attracted to Byron. Byron says that he wants to have kids if his wife does, but that he wouldn't give up his soulmate if she didn't want to have kids. Clearly, Byron has learned to pick his words more carefully since his "cutoff" conversation. Byron says he would marry someone who didn't want kids in a heartbeat. Elsewhere, Alma asks the same question of Jay, and he hesitates and then says he wouldn't. Alma interviews that she has more in common with Jay, because he seems more stable. After Jay leaves, Alma asks another woman whom she likes, and it's Byron. The women, they are having mixed emotions!
Chris Harrison joins them and asks them to gather. Jay and Byron stand up front with Chris, who says that tonight, they will be having the Rose Ceremony. Jay and Byron leave with Chris. Jay interviews that he played full out today, and that his fate is in the women's hands. Byron interviews that he tried to make the best impression he could, and that soon he'll find out how it went.
The women prepare for the Rose Ceremony. Cheresse interviews that tonight, the women will choose which man will stay. Krysta tells some other women that she felt a connection with Jay. Krysta interviews that she talked some of the undecided women into voting for Jay. Some of the other women think that Byron is fun, and has a lot of charisma. Kelly interviews that she still doesn't know whom she's going to pick, and that she wants one more look at both of them.
Jay rides in the limo and thinks. He interviews that this could be a turning point in his life, and that he's interested to see what the women thought. Byron interviews that it will come down to a choice between city life and country life. They keep saying that. I wonder if a producer planted that line. Byron adds that he feels like he has a CONNECTION with a few of the women he met. I think that might be the first mention of the C-word.