"This week, I'm going on three overnight dates with these three women," we're told in a mathematical riddle by Jesse "Not A Quarterback. Not Even An Eighthback" Palmer, who wows us with his superior intellect in proving that his wee walnut brain can at least count all the way to three, at least before he stops and blinks like the light's too bright and asks, "Wait, what was the question again?" and puts our perception of his intelligence right back at square one, which is a number I'm pretty sure he's incapable of counting to either. Jesse strolls down an Old Time-y looking snow-lined street, wearing a black mock turtleneck and a black leather jacket over it. We quickly come to learn that Jesse's first exotic overnight date with Tara will take place in Quebec City, and Jesse's outfit instantly becomes the obvious choice, seeing as he's currently in a country closely connected with a monarchy and all he's trying to do is emulate the figurehead Chess King. He strolls up to an attending horse and carriage, where a French-Canadian carriage driver -- the very job so many vocational aptitude tests insisted would be the one at which I would be the most, well, bon -- shakes Jesse's hand and wears a porkpie hat. Quite frankly, I just don't know which one of those two things is a worse decision for the driver. But I do know which one will give him a rash.
"I hope that Tara understands that today is a very big day," Jesse tells us from Le Confessionel Franais-Canadien, adding a follow-up thought for our convenience, because I was only half-certain that the statement implied some deeper level of I'm-a-dick-ish-ness about him: "I hope that she's able to share herself with me in terms of how she's feeling before maybe it's too late." Well, just as long as your opinion of yourself isn't as enormous as the football you can't kick or the big red face of yours I can't look at.
Tara wears a big fur doughnut around her head and hums mentally through the first few songs on the Kohuept album as she thinks about Russia and dresses as its bride. The carriage, the diver, the ass, and also the horse driving them all (waka waka waka) round a corner as Tara takes un confessionel time-out of her own, reporting, "Each time I'm around Jesse, I feel a lot more confident in our relationship, and I definitely feel like this is something that we're going to take to a new level." The happy couple climbs onto the carriage as we espy Jesse wearing a black-and-white striped scarf with the word "Quebec" sewn into it with an accompanying fleur-de-lis to remind us that Quebec is just sooooooooooooo French, isn't it?
“ Jesse brings together the always date- appropriate topics of 'your' and 'father.' Or maybe he's just trying to draw Tara's attention subliminally to the outsized needs of another man in her life who couldn't love her less or himself more. ”
The horse takes off and futilely attempts to secede from the others, but try as it might it just doesn't solve anything. Is this the primary mode of transport in Quebec City? I've never been there, and I don't see proof of any other travel possibilities, so it is possible, as far as I'm concerned, that Quebec City still lives with a decidedly "North, Miss Tessmacher"-esque approach to fighting through snow. Along the route, mercifully limited banter is heard. Jesse compliments Tara on looking "great," which she gobbles up like the first owner of her Russkie hat did to a stale crust of bread three weeks after someone yelled "Glasnost" and then the whole country kinda ran out of money for a while, there. "Thank you!" Tara almost screams, interested in reminding Jesse that there's someone else in the room, a usually overlooked fact for Jesse until he's ready to get his lay on. Jesse, skilled raconteur that he is, brings together the always date-appropriate topics of "your" and "father." Or maybe he's just trying to draw Tara's attention subliminally to the outsized needs of another man in her life who couldn't love her less or himself more: "How would your dad like it out here, you think?" I think he'd give it one point for every punchline Jeff Foxworthy has about snow. Tara, eager to distance herself from the caricature (not, like, the kind with the big head and the tiny roller skates, because I'll bet Jeff Foxworthy also doesn't have that many punchlines about Bar Mitzvah entertainment, either) her father cut for himself last week, climbs on the self-hating (or, as it was called when I was riding it, the "them-hating") train, falling into the trap, "I don't think they allow guns." Yes. Tara is the official archivist of all Canada, and guns are completely and entirely forbidden in the entire country. As are kegs, Entertainment Weekly, and dodgeball. Because whatever that bitch Queen says, goes. You should have seen the day she capriciously decided to ban Super Mlange, the delightful marriage of Cheetos, Doritos, Sun Chips, and pretzels once available only north of the border, just because she wanted to keep them all for herself. See? That's why it should be "God Attack The Queen.
Jesse and Tara conclude an uneventful carriage ride, in which the carriage ride is a metaphor for the season and the road they're on is a metaphor for the blank desolation of the "journey" and the porkpie hat is a metaphor for dumb hats and whatever the horse casually drops while it's walking is a metaphor for Rorschachian depictions of how I envision Jesse's face when I close my eyes. Anyway, Tara and Jesse step off the carriage and onto an empty ice-skating rink in a desolate part of town. Ah, tourist season comes to Quebec! They suit up in their skates, Tara noting in advance, "You're gonna laugh at me when I fall." Because an original thought from Jesse besides "Uhhhhh..." would totally compromise any and all consistency in his whole characterization at this point, the producers let him actualize into the Teddy Ruxpin doll we already knew he was, as he parrots back, "You're gonna be laughing at me when I fall!" Well, at least he had the good sense to prove his continuing slowness by tacking on a pointless form of the verb "to be." But maybe I'm not giving him enough credit; he must just be translating as he goes along, word for word from the original French-Canadian.
“ While I'll grant them the fact that Jesse's not a hockey player, shouldn't there be some kind of natural agility behind being a professional athlete that allows you at least to fake it from sport to sport, like when Michael Jordan decided he wanted to play baseball and everyone was all, 'Now, that is adorable!' ”
Right, so they're both 'tards. A shot of Jesse and Tara on the ice shows them holding each other up and generally falling, though it's supposed to be more endearing and "aw, shucks-y" and less "Hey, everybody! Look at this! It's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him!" though it veers way further toward the latter, in my house anyway and I sincerely hope in yours. Tara's confessional predicts otherwise (even though it was taped after) when she tells us, "I just assumed since Jesse's from Canada he's done that way more times than I have." Because he's from Canada. Boy, does that assume a lot about Canada. Like Jesse's going to be all, "Well, I can't skate, but it's only because every time I tried to learn a Chinook would kick up from The Peg to Hogtown and I'd be as bad as if I'd spent all my loonies and toonies on a case of Labatts and went cookie on The Basketweave at a hundred KPH!"
This show is so choad.
Anyway, Tara quickly comes to learn that skating is not automatically in the blood of a Canadaman, revising, "He's not good, either." And while I'll grant them the fact that he's not a hockey player, shouldn't there be some kind of natural agility behind being a professional athlete that allows you at least to fake it from sport to sport, like when Michael Jordan decided he wanted to play baseball and everyone was all, "Now, that is adorable!" But alas, Jesse Palmer: I served with Michael Jordan. I knew Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Michael Jordan.
"I like the snow. It's so pretty and romantic."
"I like it, too."
It's over. Someone just remind Fleiss to lie the hell down already.
The nine hours they spent trying to coax one romantic moment out of Jesse and Tara on ice has been condensed to a much shorter period of time in which that did not occur, so we're off to our venue: a giant house made of ice that has a big ice door and a big ice living room. There, Tara and Jesse watch ice-crystal holograms of Krypton's wisest sages, who mourn the impending end of life on that selfsame cold planet. Actually, what they accomplish there calls to mind a more appropriately cheesy movie (more cheesy than the first Superman? Read on!) when Tara notes that they were ensconced in their "own private ice castle." Except they're both the blind ice skater. And now I have the Melissa Manchester version of "Looking Through The Eyes Of Love" skating around the back of my head. And now, I am sobbing.
Tara promises that she's getting more comfortable around Jesse, and worries that she's being "cheesy" in admitting that she's "always smiling" when she's around him. Sorry, snookums. You're totally an entire application process, a flight to L.A., and six-odd Rose Ceremonies past worrying that you look cheesy on TV. Jesse tells her, "You're doing good [sic]," impressed that she's able to carry of the monumental charade of making him look like any kind of a catch. He leans in for a kiss that really, actually inspires a fresh round of soul-shaking involuntary shudders every time I accidentally rewind back into it. There's something about it that really makes me...oh, it's Jesse. That's the "something." Despite how well he feels the date is going, Jesse notes, "I was very curious about dinner because I knew I was really gonna tell her how I felt, and I was very curious to see if she was gonna be able to do the same with me." Please, don't let this feeling end/ It's everything I am/ Everything I want to be/ I can see what's mine now/ Finding out what's true/ Since I found you/ Looking through the eyes of love. My salty tears have cascaded from my eyes into my computer, causing numerous shorts and other technical problems. Manchester! You owe me a new keyboard!
“ Jesse speaks the words all girls long to hear: 'Tara, I'm crazy about you.' Such loving words that he spells out in feelings for her in the same speech he might use to inform a television viewing audience that his prices are iiiiin- saaaaaaane! ”
Night falls on the Quebec City winter's eve and plunges the city into total darkness, which means this date could have taken place pretty much any time after 2 PM. Jesse waits in the empty lobby of the product-placed Fairmont Le Chateau Frontenac. Meanwhile, Frontenac is all, "Y'all, this is my chateau. Get your dang varmit selves offa my lawn!" Good thing he had absolutely no guns with which to act out on that anger. Tara descends the steps, her fur hat having morphed into a fur-lined collar. She can make a hat! She can make a brooch! She can make a pterodactyl! Jesse and Tara enter a dining room with a festooned table for two, and Jesse tries to perform the producer-suggested grace of holding a chair out for Tara, which she mistakenly believes is the chair he's taking for himself and walks right past. Poor Tara from Paul's Valley, never having seen the niceties of fine dining, always living off the land and subsisting entirely off of whatever her pappy done shoot outta the sky. No one likes to talk about that one unfortunate time when Tara was young that her whole family ate nothing but a downed weather balloon for a trying two-month stretch. But really, it wasn't anyone's fault. Guns don't kill weather balloons. Weather balloons kill weather balloons.
Jesse and Tara finally work out the seating arrangements before the music stops and someone has to go sit on the side. Jesse holds up a glass of white wine (watch it carefully...it's like the mysteriously-growing pancake in Pretty Woman) and toasts as follows: "Here's to you and I [sic] getting a chance to know each other better, and to being closer." Ah ah ah! Two toasts in one! That's totally cheating. We're totally these freaky toastaholics in my family, and we toast every time someone pours a liquid. One toast per drink. Like Jesse won't get to a second drink. Actually, we usually just stop toasting when my mom tries to say something about having everyone together in one place and starts to cry. Jesse soldiers on, speaking the words all girls long to hear: "Tara, I'm crazy about you." Such loving words that he spells out in feelings for her in the same speech he might use to inform a television viewing audience that his prices are iiiiin-saaaaaaane! He tries to soften it up a bit, adding, "I'm falling for you. I am." She responds -- and this is a direct quote -- "You're feeling the same things that I am." So, there you go, right? Similar feelings? Put up the ol' "Mission Accomplished" banner and give a proud speech from the deck of the U.S.S. Looooooove. Or is it...too premature? Per Jesse's subsequent confessional, yes: "I don't know exactly where Tara's feelings are for me. In my other relationships with the other women, they are able to express themselves with me...With Tara, there are moments where I'm just not sure." I...what? "You're feeling the same things that I am" isn't enough of an indicator? Does he need her to beg? He actually needs her to beg. And he also needs her to read this note, because he sounded it out all day and that's why he became the blind ice skater: "Should you decide to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite." Man. They didn't even change the copy from the six seasons! At all. Truly, this is a creepy new low. Tara jokes that she doesn't want to, but really she does. "Anything to spend more time with you, I'm all for it," she ingratiates, and Jesse tells her that that's her "best answer all day." Her wine is now mysteriously completely red. That surf and turf wreaks havoc with the wine selection.
“ Jesse kicks it on the sand and the surf wearing a blue button-down that really shows every contour of the emerging dad gut he'll be sporting in full by the end of his relationship with whoever he chooses (so, basically, in six weeks). ”
More wine up in the fantasy suite, where Jesse's confessional tells us, "I want to be intimate with [Tara]," which totally means sex, right? But he's still concerned that she isn't expressing herself properly, and he tells her, "I'm not trying to bring the house down," and I don't know what that means unless the Chateau Frontenac is made of straw and he's going to go downstairs and try to blow it over. Anyway, he laments the fact that he still doesn't know how she feels, chiding her, "You've gotta be able to just kinda open up with me and tell me how you're feeling." Oh, okay. Fine. But it's just so hard for me to express myself properly. Let me try: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
It's true. It does feel really good to share. Then I think Tara and Jesse have sex.
South of the boooooooooordeeeeer, down Mexico waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. That's where I feel in love, when staaaaaaars above came out to plaaaaaaaaaaay! Actually, it's the Bahamas we've been dragged to for this round, but I don't know any songs about the Bahamas except for the one in which something rhymes with "pretty mama" that I spent some time on last week, so seriously, it's not even a real song and let's just drop it, okay?
Jesse kicks it on the sand and the surf wearing a blue button-down that really shows every contour of the emerging dad gut he'll be sporting in full by the end of his relationship with whoever he chooses (so, basically, in six weeks) and a pair of some seriously kickin' jams. Who is dressing this man? Jesse tells us how happy he is that he can spend some time with Jessica "here in Paradise," and he says it in such a way as to make you believe that he thinks Paradise is an actual place, like where Jessica rides in on a flying unicorn and there's actually heaven and a door and they knock on it and whoa-oh almost paradise, we're knockin' on heaven's door, almost paradise, how could we ask for more? I swear that I could see forever in your eyes.
Paradise.
“ There is nothing to 'love' about Jesse's body, and I cannot 'handle' what it is I'm seeing. ”
The narrative thread of this episode is now officially less interesting to me than the Footloose soundtrack. Do with that what you need.
Jessica hops off a plane that lands in the water, white bikini glimmering in the sunshine and flower in her hair reminiscent of other off-key, undeserving players who have made it deeper into the competition than god's will would suggest is rational. She foreshadows that she's nervous about this whole date thing because she knows he's been with another girl. That is so noble, not to want to be sloppy seconds! Still, don't tell him or anything. You wouldn't want him to think you're a girl who knows how to think for herself.
Oooh, remember when I complained about the shirt? Well, I wish it would come back, and I totally wish it would bring somewhat more claspy buttons that acted as a straitjacket against the scourge of having to look at Jesse's nipples. There is nothing to "love" about his body, and I cannot "handle" what it is I'm seeing. Jesse and Jessica lie in about two feet of water totally getting with the down and dirty -- no salt water on earth is antiseptic enough to cleanse the ocean of them -- and I guess Jesse is a real man because he totally leaves his scuba flippers on. What the hell is he doing wearing scuba flippers?
Lying back on two chaise longues that Melissa Manchester never wrote a song about, Jesse's inner monologue tells us that he's concerned about Jessica's non-him-intensive law-school career. But deep down I'll bet he's really all for "women's lib" and all of the pre-post-feminist connotations that expression implies. He lovingly dotes, "Your mom made it very clear that she wants you to continue studying. Like, if we were to stay together, I would definitely want you to continue doing that." Wow. How thoughtful of him to allow a woman he barely knows continue her push toward higher education, PROVIDED that it occurs on his schedule, in his city, and doesn't actually happen. "Actually," Jessica bomb-drops, "I've already sent away for applications to schools up north." Jesse smiles broadly and is markedly unconcerned that both he and the show promos have been vastly misinterpreting who is and who is not the "stalker," by the way. He fact-checks, "Because of all this?" She dignifies the most rhetorical question since "Are you fucking kidding me?" with a response nonetheless, proving her love by the power of pointless, scattershot, idolizing sacrifice: "I'm not going on all these exotic dates. I'm sitting in L.A. This week." In a confessional that takes place in the La La La I'm Not Listening To You Dimension, Jesse crawls into a confessional booth and makes some errors in memory: "When Jessica told me she sent in all these applications to New York City law schools...I wasn't expecting that at all." That's not what she said at all. She tells us that she doesn't want to live her life being guarded. Sidebar from the edge of the grave: twenty-one years old is not a time to be making pronouncements of any kind that contain the phrase, "You can't live your whole life...." Thanks for the pedantic second-person perspective, Teach.
“ Jessica notes that she feels that it's all 'too good to be true,' and Jesse shoots back that she is 'too good to be true,' but he says it in kind of a loaded way that makes you feel like there's something going on behind those eyes. You'd be wrong. ”
Outdoor shower. Clingy jams. Too much touching. Way too much touching.
An outdoor eatery waits for Jesse and Jessica near a sign advertising, "Kamalame Cay." I thought it was the name of the eating establishment. In point of fact, it is the name of the entire island. The cheapest hotel room in the cheapest corner of the hotel on the cheapest day of the year -- Typhoon Thursday, I believe it's called on the Bahamian calendar -- is $510.00 per night. Pardon me while I figure out how many governmental programs could be saved if the operating budget of one season of this show were reallocated to something noble. Eh. Forget it. It would probably all go straight to the war anyway.
Dinner. Jesse and Jessica sit by the ocean and sip frosty beverages. Jessica notes that she feels that it's all "too good to be true," and Jesse shoots back that she is "too good to be true," but he says it in kind of a loaded way that makes you feel like there's something going on behind those eyes. You'd be wrong. And here's why: "I'm gonna tell you something...and I don't know if I should be doing this." The ellipses are there because he repeats the same thing nine times. And then he adds: "I'm falling in love with you." Awwww! "I'm falling in love with somebody else also." Jessica holds back the tears and doesn't cry too bad, but he tells her that he wants to be honest with her. Jessica deems this "the worst thing to hear," and tells him that it's useless for her to dwell on it. The editing pulls it back to where they can feel okay about Jesse being a total, hypocritical dink ("What about the chiiiiiiiiiildreeeeeen?"), and he reads the note about the fantasy suite, which she pride-suckingly accepts. The room looks just exactly like the room always does. His tongue looks just exactly like his tongue always does.
Washington, Washington! D.C.! The Capitol Building! The Washington Monument! The Lincoln Memorial! The, um, statue thing of a lot of guys raising the flag that is some way incredibly important to our country and its rich history of taking nine people to lift a stitch of cloth affixed to a twig! A hook of patriotic music plays as a slo-mo pan of a flag (I swear I am not making this up) welcomes us to our nation's capital, where bills become laws, even though the greater majority of us learned about that process from Jennifer Keaton.
And now, things that make the location utterly irrelevant. Not that D.C. exactly presents itself as an "exotic" location, but I guess when the only other place the girl has been outside of Andrews, Texas is Andrews Township, Texas (the taxes are higher but the schools and pageants are SO much better), this is kind of a rip, maybe.
“ Jesse says he feels like he still hasn't seen the 'real' Mandy Jaye, worrying that he always gets 'the politically correct answer' when he talks to her. So she's always answering his questions about how she feels about him with lengthy screeds about affirmative action and Title IX? ”
Oh, and remember that time Jesse said he was falling in love with two women? Then there's this date. Jesse tells us he was looking forward to seeing Mandy Jaye, and they share a hilarious moment of meeting when he sits down on a park bench that she's not sitting on! And pretends not to see her! Dude, when someone says "blind ice skater," that dude sure knows how to stay in character.
Jesse complains in a pre-date confessional that he feels like he still hasn't seen the "real" Mandy Jaye, worrying that he always gets "the politically correct answer" when he talks to her. So she's always answering his questions about how she feels about him with lengthy screeds about affirmative action and Title IX? What's politically correct about her? I think he means that she's stiff, rehearsed, and overly formal in all social settings, and that he got nervous when he saw the buildings that have all the politicking going on in them and said something about politics because he thought it would sound smart. It did not sound smart.
Mandy Jaye, meanwhile, thinks that "the stakes are fairly high" for her. She wants to be sincere and honest. Bench hilarity ensues, and Jesse and Mandy Jaye greet each other like reconciling siblings who haven't talked in a few years. Jesse marvels over the beauty of "this day," marveling, "look at that!" with an indication toward the Capitol Building. And again, my architecture history is a little vague and I haven't visited the seat of freedom in our nation in, oh, eighteen years, but aren't I right in assuming that building is kind of there EVERY day? But if I'm wrong, tell me and I'll fix it. In response, Mandy Jaye indicates the grandeur of the Washington Monument, which is quite pointy and the subject of a song I wrote once that no one will ever, ever hear again except Wing and maybe my mom. But only because they asked. ["And because you mentioned it, this day's heaven-sent. Will you sing it to the tune of a down of hoe?" -- Wing Chun]
Jesse and Mandy Jaye board a ship called the U.S.S. Sequoia, which also includes the words "Presidential Yacht" on it, which Mandy Jaye finds extremely exciting. I think that's just an expression. I don't think it will feature the actual presence of the President. On the boat, Mandy Jaye tells Jesse that she has "no control" over the situation, after which we're led to believe that they sit in silence for a thousand hours. Jesse starts to whistle because he's a dick, and he tells us that as a result of Mandy Jaye's inability to open herself up to him, she's becoming less physically attractive to him. Because he can see inside people, man. And also because she was never getting chosen, so why not just bring Trish back?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the most desperate, unsuccessful gambit in Bachelor history, one that looks so staged I'm surprised no one yells "cut" and called for a rewrite that finally drives the show so over budget they're forced to shut down production in some exceedingly dramatic Lost in La Mancha kind of way. Trish is in a car. In Washington. How'd she know that they were there? Meh. Why ask questions. Trish: "I think a lot of people would think that I'm completely psychotic for doing this." Nah. That implies a mental investment on our part that seems a bit overspoken. She checks into her room and changes into a dress. "I'm gonna get what I want," she tells us. "Jesse is what I want." A ten-minute season finale is what I want. You see how there are sometimes things that aren't even worth fighting for?
“ Trish marches toward the dining- room entrance, as I consider the number of angles they're catching her from and musing on the fact that there is almost NO WAY Jesse didn't know this was coming. They had to bring, like, eight extra crews to D.C. And they totally told him it was because of all the monuments. And he totally believed them. ”
Mandy Jaye sees Jesse walk toward her for dinner, and they head over to a grand dining room. Jesse notes that if he doesn't see a "spark" tonight, there's no reason to go to the fantasy suite.
Trish changes into her dress and puts on shoes. "Between the dress and the heels and the legs, I've got a mean power of persuasion...I am going to right this wrong that's been made at any cost." And for a second, you kind of think it's going to work.
Mostly around the time we see Jesse ask Mandy Jaye for what seems like the nineteeth time if she enjoyed the boat.
Trish walks through the lobby. Hitchcockian strings pound.
Mandy Jaye asks what's for dinner. Jesse is sure it'll be "amazing," even coming from a kitchen we're about to learn is "hell." It's awesome. Stick around. It's the only thing worth being here for.
Rum-dum-dum-dum, rum-dum-dum-dum! Excessively over-dramatic music slams on the soundtrack as Trish marches toward the dining-room entrance, as I consider the number of angles they're catching her from and musing on the fact that there is almost NO WAY Jesse didn't know this was coming. They had to bring, like, eight extra crews to D.C. And they totally told him it was because of all the monuments. And he totally believed them. "What I want," Trish says, answering the producer's leading question by rephrasing it as an answer, "is to hear him say he made a mistake." The following effects are then used to frame Trish as she enters the dining room where Jesse and Mandy Jaye are not sharing a connection: slow-mo. Silhouette on the curtains. Bewildered reaction shots. But look, other than that, it was totally her idea and there's nothing at all contrived about this moment at all. Mandy Jaye smiles broadly like Regis and the other judges just asked her, "As Miss America, would you submit to a total frontal lobotomy, or is the one you already had going to suffice, you think?" I think it will suffice, y'all.
Trish saunters with those legs! and those shoes! over to the table as Jesse's confessional tells us, "Oh my god, I might have a stalker." Trish asks for a moment of Jesse's time as Mandy Jaye lapses into "don't move or cry and it'll all be over soon" mode, as Jesse and Trish retire to the kitchen. She asks how he's doing, and he returns the pleasantry. I feel this is going extremely well! She asks how his day is going. He indicates that his day has been fine. Totally not awkward! And then, she gets to the gritty: "It's been kind of a crazy week, to be honest with you. I think I was so shocked the last time that you and I kind of parted ways. I just didn't feel like we ended things." Jesse notes that the dining room (though not the company in it) was "heaven" and the bright, hectic kitchen was "hell," which does a tremendous service to lunch ladies and members of various waitstaffs all over the world.
“ Mandy Jaye tells Jesse he has nothing to be sorry for: 'This is not a normal dating situation.' It's not a groundbreaking statement, but at least it finally lacked the words 'pageant' or 'I was in a.' ”
A shot of the dining room shows Mandy Jaye just sitting there. Were they expecting her to put a wine glass up to the door to try and listen? Because she didn't. Do anything.
Trish, however, does some more stuff, admitting, "I see how you look at me, from that first night. Because I look at you the same way. I know how you kissed me." Jesse responds that he doesn't deny a physical chemistry, but he tells her he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with and that his heart is telling him he doesn't have a future with her. Trish tells him that she doesn't see it working with any of the other three girls, a surefire tactic to win his heart by showing him why all of the other girls hated her in the first place. But it's kind of funny. So here it is: "Jessica. Her age. She does not know who she is, or really what she wants. Tara. Personally? Spoiled." Heh. "Mandy. Very sweet. I think she needs a little more time to come into her own." A shot of Mandy Jaye shows her...well, never mind. Jesse sticks to his guns, telling her that he's "handed [his] roses out," and that he stands by his decision. Trish hands him a hotel key and sends him back to dinner, telling him she'll be waiting in her hotel room. He whispers a creepy-ass "thank you" and goes back through the door, away from all the common-placers making his life "hell" by cooking the meal, cleaning the dishes, pouring the wine, and doing so for a week's wage less than the cost of one cloth napkin on that table. You monsters! Why must you go out of your way to make Jesse's life into such a living hell?
Trish departs, and Mandy Jaye regards Jesse with that "oh, you were away?" glance we've come to know so well. He apologizes, and she tells him he has nothing to be sorry for: "This is not a normal dating situation." It's not a groundbreaking statement, but at least it finally lacked the words "pageant" or "I was in a." For some reason, Mandy Jaye's pressure under fire leads Jesse to want to screw her. He hands her the fantasy-suite note. This one contains a key, which I really thought was the key to Trish's room. Mandy Jaye takes a surprisingly high road, telling Jesse she wants him to ask and not have the generic unsigned note do the work for him. Good job, Mandy Jaye! But I guess she did have all that uninterrupted time without thinking or moving to come up with it. They retire to their room, where a circular window frames the Washington Monument, inspiring Jesse to the following bout of poetry: "It's like that monument was built just for that window." WHAT? "And that hot tub." Ooooooh. Trish is lonely in her suite, holding back tears and telling us, "I have so much love to give somebody. I just haven't found him yet." Jesse looks at the Washington Monument and thinks about his penis.
“ 'Each week it gets harder,' Jesse says, to a response of girlish snickering that I'm ready to get mad at before I realize I'm the only person in my apartment so it must be coming from me. ”
Up in the rarely seen Room Of Reckoning, Jesse continues to think about his penis. He gazes upon the photos of the three women, and then watches some video messages. Tara had a great time in Quebec City and she wants to meet his parents. Jessica found her date "indescribable," and is falling in love with Jesse. Mandy Jaye isn't getting a rose.
"Each week it gets harder," Jesse says, to a response of girlish snickering that I'm ready to get mad at before I realize I'm the only person in my apartment so it must be coming from me. Ah, well. "I cannot wait to bring two of you home to meet my family." Wouldn't it be awesome if they came home at the same time? Or if this show had ended after the third season?
Tara, will you accept this rose? And leave Paul's Valley? What kind of a monster is he?
Jessica, will you accept this rose? What's that? She was too busy finishing up her personal statement for I'm Spineless Aren't U. in time for fall admission.
Yeah, like we didn't know this was coming. Jesse walks Mandy Jaye out and sits her down, telling her, "I want you to know that I'm falling in love with two women inside the house." There was no math segment in the pageants...can you be a little more specific? Mandy Jaye says something nonsensical and Hallmark-y about love, and hops in the limo. He's already forgotten her name, and from inside the limo she tells us, "I think I was definitely beginning to fall in love with Jesse." She laments that she allowed herself to think about hearing him propose to her. And you know what else? Pageants.