Spy In The House Of Love

Previously on The Bachelor: Jesse Palmer met twenty-five women, and none of the women knew that Jesse's best friend Jenny was a spy in the house of love. Jesse narrowed the field, and Julie and Mandy Jaye "caught his eye," but his opera date with Trish was the most exciting, mostly due to the French kissing and sexual innuendo. All the ladies hated Trish, because she's a whore, and they felt Jesse was being snowed.

The sun rises outside Bachelorette Mansion. Inside, Trish is wearing a turtleneck and a blazer. She is seriously fifty-two years old. She doesn't want to get too excited over one good date, especially since she hasn't slept with the guy yet. Trish employs Kim's Least Favorite Rhetorical Device by asking questions and then answering them herself. All you need to know is that Trish had a great time, but she also knows that she might be sent home. Jenny's also wearing a turtleneck as she interviews that she is Jesse's spy, and that she plans to tell Jesse everything. Everything! Trish points out that Jenny has been "such a good, like, counselor," and Jenny says that "true love starts with friendship." Gasp! Is she saying that she loves Jesse? Just the first of many hints that will be dropped this episode. Trish says that she gets bored (when people don't give her their full attention). Jenny voice-overs that she's worried about how the others will react when they find out about her spying. Jenny says that she's just trying to "take it all in, and then take it all with a grain of salt." In other words, Trish is a big liar. But more on that in a moment.

Tara runs outside to grab the Date Box, then brings it inside and opens it up. She interviews that it was "full of film things." Suzie starts screaming like Rod Roddy (RIP) just told her that she might win a new car. She slurs, "Oh my God! Are you serious? This is so exciting!" Suzie reads the card, wherein Jesse asks her to join him for dinner and a movie. Okay, seriously. Suzie needs to calm the fuck down. She's on the show, so she knew there was a chance that she would go on a date with Jesse, and dinner and a movie isn't exactly a trip to Hawaii or something. Man. The other women clap for her. But what does Jenny think? Jenny (wearing yet another turtleneck sweater) interviews that she was ecstatic because she likes Suzie for Jesse. Suzie is still squealing that she can't believe this, like, did she never see this show before? I would need a lot of drugs and alcohol if I had to live in that house with those women. All the people in the forums would be like, "What's up with Kim? She's not even that cute, and she's drunk all the time. I think she has a problem."

The sun sets, and Jesse walks out of his mansion carrying a corsage, like he's going to the prom. Has anyone worn a corsage since high school? Maybe if you are the mother of the bride or something. My mom wanted to buy me a corsage to wear at my bridal shower, and I was like, "Why would I do that?" and she realized, "Wow, you're totally right." Which is one of many reasons I love my mom. Jesse interviews that he's excited to spend time with Suzie. He adds that "this is by far the most important week." More important than the final week? He reminds us that there are ten women left, and that one of them is his spyfriend, so he has nine women who are "very close in [his] mind." Did he just admit that he's fantasized about a gang bang? Jesse arrives at the women's house, and every single woman has to greet him at the door so that they can look jealous. Suzie walks out wearing an ill-advised pink and black striped tube top, but then again, I've never met a tube top that I didn't think was ill-advised. Trish interviews that she's on a different level than Suzie. Yeah, different age level. Trish claims that she is "elegant, professional, sophisticated -- not a blabbering idiot." Just remember that elegance and sophistication later when Trish is blabbering about her alleged sex life. Jesse and Suzie leave, and the other women holler things like "Don't do anything we wouldn't do" and "Be good!" Trish rolls her eyes and is like, "Speak for yourself!" because, as we will soon find out, she is a whore. A side note, because I am a guest recapper and people may not know my belief system -- I'm being sarcastic when I call Trish a whore. And in other meta news, I probably got a few of the women's names wrong in group scenes. I did the best I could, but there are a lot of blondes, and I apologize. And now, back to the recap.

Jesse and Suzie go to the Silent Movie Theater, where there is a sign on the marquee welcoming them. Jesse reads the marquee aloud, like Suzie is his child, or illiterate. Suzie interviews that this doesn't happen every day, and that Jesse could be the man of her dreams. Suzie has never seen a place like this (a restored Art Deco theater), and I'm happy to say that I was in one a week ago, seeing Fountains of Wayne in concert with all of the ten-year-olds and their parents. Jesse leads Suzie into a private room where they will have dinner. Jesse interviews that Suzie was chosen for this date because their personality-test results showed that they were the most compatible. Jesse asks Suzie if she really believes in those tests, and Suzie says that she can tell she and Jesse have things in common. They like soup. And talking or not talking. Jesse wasn't surprised that Suzie turned out to be his perfect match.

Back at the ranch, the women are drinking, all decked out in their matching Juicy knockoff sweatsuits. The women decide to play "I Never," where you make a statement about yourself starting with the words "I never..." and then anyone who has done that thing has to drink. Basically, it's a more polite way to find out which one of your friends is secretly a whore, since everyone starts out like, "I've never jumped out of a plane" and quickly becomes, "I've never had sex with two guys at once" or whatever. Alternately, it is often used by girls to humiliate their friends in front of guys, by bringing up their sexual history, saying things like, "I've never had sex with Bob Smith in the boys' locker room during the homecoming game." Or maybe that's just my college experience. The women start out mildly with statements like, "I never drank before I was twenty-one" and "I never had sex when I was in college." The camera keeps focusing in on Trish, who is drinking every time. Jenny interviews that it was "an amazing opportunity to get to the bottom of who some women are."

Tara says that she has never cheated on a boyfriend. Trish drinks. Jessica B. has never had a one-night stand. Hey, she's the same one who never had sex in college! I don't think those two statements are unrelated. Trish drinks and says that by the end of the night, they won't like her very much. As if they like her now. Trish interviews that she shocked a few people. Karen has never had sex with more than one person in a day. Trish, to the surprise of no one, drinks. Jesse has never had sex on a bathroom counter. Trish drinks. Mandy Jaye says that they were all shocked to see Trish confirm their suspicions that she's a big whore. Karen says that she's never had sex with more people than she can count on one hand. Trish drinks, and Karen has to confirm loudly that Trish didn't just drink, she chugged her drink. The women keep upping the ante (more people than I can count on both hands, both hands and one foot) until someone finally just flat-out asks Trish how many people she's slept with, which was the point of the game in the first place. Jesse interviews that they were all goofing around, "and then Trish took it to a level that kind of made it disgusting." Oh no! She talked about having sex outside of marriage! Has she really said anything that was disgusting? It's not like she drank to "I never had sex with my brother" or "I never found my dog attractive."

Trish reminds the shocked women that she's seven years older than they are (at least), hems and haws, and finally says that it's not that she's lost track of her actual number. One of the women (Karen?) just will not let it drop, and forces Trish to throw out a number, so Trish says thirty to thirty-five. Female Jesse thinks it's gross, and the rest of the women clutch their pearls. Geez. Even if she didn't start having sex until she was eighteen, that's only three guys per year. And frankly, who cares? Do they think that she has cooties or something? Tara interviews that she "couldn't believe how slutty Trish is" and that "it did disgust [her]." Jessica H. isn't ready for the game to end, and says that she's never kissed a married man. Everyone stops and stares at Trish, who drinks. Oh, come on. I'm sure Trish has had a lot of sex, but don't you get the feeling that she's lying to get attention and camera time? There was always that one girl during "I Never" who would claim to have done these outrageous things. I like to call her "the Rayanne Graff." Tara wants to know if Trish has ever slept with a married man. Trish admits that she has, and says that it wasn't anyone she would ever see again. Huh? I guess she's saying that she didn't break up a friend's marriage, so it doesn't matter. Tara tries to give Trish an out, and asks if she knew the guy was married at the time, and Trish says that she did. Trish says that everyone is already judging her, so she doesn't care. Jessica B. interviews that she was offended because "it's not freaking right and she's proud of it." What about the husband? Any venom for him? Trish says that there were "crazy circumstances" that she can't explain, and that it was about timing and it happened. Yeah, I hate it when I accidentally have sex with a married man, and it's completely out of my control. Trish adds that she doesn't regret it because she doesn't live her life with regrets. The only people who say that are people who fuck up a lot, in my experience. Jenny interviews that she is also disgusted, because she is married, and Trish is "a marriage-wrecker." Trish lets out an evil cackle, wrapped up in her pride at sleeping with married men and being a whore.

Oh, there's a date going on! I thought I was watching The View, what with all the barely-disguised woman-against-woman hostility going on. Jesse and Suzie don't even get to see a real movie! Instead, they watch a slide show of their own baby pictures. Suzie can't believe they included a photo of her as a baby, naked. Jesse whispers that he really liked it, and then kisses her. Ew! Pedophile! That was a seriously gross juxtaposition. They make out for a while.

Back at the house, Karen finds another Date Box outside. She reads the card, saying that it's for Trish and Mandy, who scream and hug and pull each other's hair out. Mandy is suddenly wearing a tiara as she reads the card, which informs them that their date will be about sharing a pint or somesuch. Mandy interviews that Trish gets on her nerves, and that there might be some drama on the date. Trish pretends to be way drunker than she is as she reads a pin included in the box that says, "Irish, Rich, and Single!" The other woman look on, totally deadpan. Jenny interviews that if Jesse ended up with Trish, his family and friends would be disappointed. Trish puts on the tiara and pretends to wave regally to the other women, and then cracks herself up. No one else is laughing. I don't think Trish is a whore. I just think she's an asshole.

In the limo, Jesse and Suzie are still making out. Suzie manages to make out while not spilling her champagne, which is impressive, but also shows a lack of commitment to the task at hand. Suzie gets out of the limo and pulls up her tube top, which is part of the reason why I think tube tops are never appropriate. Suzie interviews that Jesse is a great kisser, and that she couldn't have asked for a better date. The other women try to spy on Suzie as she walks in the door, looking like she's on cloud nine.

The morning, Suzie and Jenny have a private talk about Suzie's date. Suzie says that she's really starting to like Jesse. Jenny interviews that it's been difficult to continue lying to the other girls. Jenny tells Suzie that she and Jesse will have a "beautiful" story if they do end up together. Really? Because if I met a couple and then found out that they met on a reality show, I would laugh. But I don't think that I would find it beautiful. Suzie praises Jenny for being "so real" and "honest." In case we didn't get the irony, Jenny voice-overs that she feels very dishonest while listening to Suzie talk about honesty.

Jesse boards a double-decker bus. No, really. A double-decker bus. The dates on this show are getting more and more ridiculous. Jesse interviews that since last night's date with Suzie went so well, today's date is even more important. He also doesn't think that Trish and Mandy will get along that well. Which explains why he would invite them on a date together. ["Yeah, because it was totally up to him, not." -- Wing Chun] Jesse picks up Trish and Mandy, while the other women stand around in bikinis and hope he notices their boobs. Except Jenny, of course. Trish and Mandy are wearing sweaters, even though the other girls were in bathing suits. I don't understand Southern California weather. Mandy interviews that she feels like she's at a disadvantage, since Trish has already had "an alone date" with Jesse, but that she hopes to overcome it. Like polio.

The trio take the double-decker bus to a pub. Trish's sweater is completely see-through. Classy. Jesse interviews that Jenny doesn't think Trish is right for him, and that he wants to figure out what about Trish Jenny doesn't like. Well, you're not going to figure it out, because Trish is totally one of those women who acts one way around women and another around men. Jesse tells Trish that their opera date was the most romantic he's ever been on. Trish equates romance with sex, so she says that she told the other girls that she made out with Jesse, and they were shocked. Trish told them, "That's generally what you do on the first date, people." Jesse says that he usually doesn't make out on the first date, but that he made an exception for her. Hee! Trish says that she's the craziest one in the house. Jesse has a gigantic noggin. It's Ben Affleck-ian.

Since Trish is out of the house, by female law, all of the women have to talk about her behind her back. And sure enough, Jessica B. tells two other women that she can't relate to Trish. Jessica B. interviews, "Nobody in the house likes Trish. No one. Not a single person." Tara tells Suzie how Trish claims to have slept with over thirty-five people, but that she lost count. Suzie, like a good girl, is scandalized. Jessica B. says that she doesn't feel it's her place to tell Jesse that "Trish is a gold-digging skank," because he should figure it out himself. Suzie is sure Jesse will figure it out.

Jesse and Trish share a kiss as the scoreboard on the basketball game nearby flashes zero. Heh. Trish says she doesn't apologize for liking him. Jesse thinks that Trish is "very open-minded." Man, he's going to be calling her "experimental," both of which are polite guy-talk for "she'd probably be into a threesome." Speaking of that, Jesse tells Trish that she's "really easy" and up for anything. I told you he was thinking of a threesome! Jesse interviews that his talk with Trish was interesting, and that he still sees both positives and negatives, so he wants to compare notes with Jenny.

Jesse suggests that Trish and Mandy team up against him in a game of pool. Then, they play darts! Trish complains that she's no good at darts and whines that she wants to go shopping instead. I thought she as easy and up for anything?

Back at the house, Tara finds another Date Box outside and screams and jumps around. My friend Mary, who watches this show a lot more faithfully than I do, thinks that Tara is going to win, by the way. I think Tara looks an awful lot like Britney Spears. Tara reads the note, which says that they'll be going dancing. She squeals, and everyone actually does look sort of happy for her. Jesse the Girl interviews that she knew she wouldn't get an alone date, and that Jesse doesn't know her at all, which means she'll probably be eliminated . ["Anyway, he can't marry someone with the same name as himself. They'd always be opening each other's mail!" -- Wing Chun]

Jesse and his dates head for a day spa for some relaxation. They all get massages while lined up in a row. Jesse jokes that there's nothing like a massage after a hard day of throwing darts. Jesse asks the not-at-all staged question, "Do you guys ever do stuff with charities or kids or anything like that?" Mandy says that she used to do a lot of volunteering. Trish interviews that she had nothing to contribute, because she's a money-grubbing whore who only thinks of herself. Man, talk about character assassination. Although, since she volunteered to go on the show, it's more like character suicide. Jesse interviews that he wanted to talk to Mandy alone, and that he couldn't wait any longer, so they walk into a sauna together. Trish sits in the pool alone; Trish strikes me as the type of person who can't be alone, ever. Trish interview that she wondered why Jesse took Mandy away instead of her. In the sauna, Jesse says that every time he talks to Mandy, he finds more things to like. Mandy says that she figures she'll just put herself out there and hope Jesse will like her. Jesse says that he already does, and they kiss. I always feel weird watching people kiss, but Mandy kisses weirdly. It's like she's a hummingbird or something. Mandy interviews that she got butterflies, and that she felt like she was in eighth grade. They break apart, giggling and head back to the pool.

Jesse and Mandy rejoin Trish. Jesse interviews that he's attracted to Mandy, and that he still likes Trish, although after their first date, he thinks Trish felt like she owned him, but that he's interested in other women too. The three of them toast with champagne and laugh.

Jesse voice-overs that he has a date with Tara that night, and that there will be both dinner and dancing. Fancy! What a fantasy date. Oh, he's in a Rolls Royce. I guess that's the "fantasy" element. Jesse interviews that Tara has seemed skeptical about the whole thing, and that he hopes she can open up more. Jenny the Spy interviews that she thinks Tara is perfect for Jesse, and that she hopes that Tara will loosen up and "put her best foot forward" on her date. Tara interviews that she's excited for her date, "but there's no way that [she's] going to kiss Jesse." Jesse helps Tara into the limo, and away they go.

Jesse tells Tara that he has a big surprise for her. He puts his big meaty paw over her eyes and then removes it, so that she can see a room full of dresses. The vanity in the room is almost the same one I had in my bedroom growing up! I think mine's prettier, though. Jesse tells Tara to choose a dress, and that he'll meet her shortly in the lobby. Tara thanks him and giggles. Tara tries on a couple of different dresses. I don't think they gave her a full-length mirror, which sucks.

Back at the house, the other women find the final Date Box, and discover that the women who haven't been on a date yet this week (Katie, Jesse, Jenny, Julie, Jessica B., and Karen) will all be going out as a group to work on a house for Habitat for Humanity. Trish looks totally disgusted at the very idea. Girl Jesse interviews that this is her last opportunity with Boy Jesse, and that she wants it to be "slightly romantic" and that now she feels her chances just got lower.

Jesse paces in the lobby while he waits for Tara. She finally shows up, in a very pretty black and white floral dress. Jesse is wearing a tux. He leads her into a ballroom, where their dinner table is set up. Tara is wearing giant earrings. I know chandelier earrings are in right now, but these are, like, bigger than her head. Jesse asks if this is overwhelming, and Tara says that it is, and that she's usually more open, but that she's glad she went on the show.

Karen asks Mandy and Trish when was the last time they kissed someone. What is with Karen's fascination with everyone's sex life? Trish says that it was last night, and Mandy high-fives her and says that it was last night for her, too! ["If they then turned to the group and announced that they'd kissed each other, maybe this show would be a little interesting." -- Wing Chun] Trish then has to up the ante and say that she kissed someone three days before she got to the house. When that doesn't elicit gasps, Trish has to let them know that she had sex three days before entering the house. Karen asks if the other person was male or female. Trish laughs and says that the person was male, and that she hasn't been with a female in a while. Someone asks when the last time she slept with a woman was. People! If you don't give her attention, she'll shut up! She might even die! Stop asking questions. Trish tells the tale of how she slept with two older women who were married with children. Trish is Sharon Stone. She looks and acts just like her. Well, I don't know if Sharon Stone sleeps with married women. But she does take herself very seriously. Karen interviews that people in the house have one of two stances on Trish: they either hate her or they can't stand her. So why do they all bait her like that? Karen adds that Trish acts different around Jesse than she does around them, and that it made her want to harm Trish. Trish brags that she was also involved in a sexual free-for-all. She's lying! She's making this shit up to seem more interesting than she actually is. I would bet a lot of money on that. Otherwise, some of these alleged sexual partners would have sold their stories to the tabloids by now.

Back on their date, Jesse's giant head is throwing a shadow onto Tara's face that is really distracting. He tries to make small talk, and then leans in for the kiss. She actually does kiss him, but keeps her tongue out of it. Also, when they are kissing, you can see that his head is twice the size of hers. Tara shakes her head and says that she asked him not to kiss her, and Jesse says that he stole one, and refers to himself as "Jesse James, outlaw." Oh, shut up, Jesse. Tara interviews that she didn't intend to kiss Jesse, but that he gave her butterflies. "Butterflies" are the new "connection." After dinner, Jesse leads Tara out onto the dance floor. Jesse voice-overs that it felt great to hold her, and that while it was difficult for her to open up, he finds her intriguing.

Jesse interviews that today he's going to pick up the losers (I mean, the rest of the women), and that they're going to help build a home for Habitat for Humanity. Karen -- who actually seems to have a sense of humor -- is ready for Jesse, since she's wearing goggles and clutching a tool in each hand. She answers the door, and everyone laughs. Jenny interviews that it's difficult to go on dates, because she has to act like Jesse isn't her best friend. Trish makes sure to give Jesse a hug and kiss before he leaves. It's kind of like she's peeing on him to mark her territory.

The gang arrives at the house, where Jesse flirts by painting on people. I hate that shit. Don't paint on me, bitch! Just tickle me or something. Jesse pulls Jenny away for a one-on-one. They make sure to head far away from the house, so that they aren't overheard. Jesse brings up Tara first. Jenny has nothing but good things to say about her. Jesse then brings up Trish. Jenny says that Trish might be open, but that she is open in a way that's "hurtful and hateful and the worst things [she's] ever heard." Really? How were Trish's statements hurtful or hateful? Shocking, maybe. Lies, definitely. Annoying, absolutely. Jesse wants details. Jenny says that Trish has slept with a married man, and thinks that the wife is a dumb-ass for not knowing. Jesse doesn't look shocked or very upset. Jenny shows what unconditional love is when she tells Jesse that if he married a woman like that, they couldn't be friends anymore. No, he would just be that friend that has the douchebag partner, and all of your plans end up being with just the friend instead of doing couples things. Not that I have experience with that. Wing and Glark. ["I know. It's so embarrassing how every time we want to do something, Glark mysteriously passes out in the middle of the kitchen floor." -- Wing Chun] Jenny adds that Trish might have caused a divorce, and that just because she's old, it doesn't mean she's mature. Jesse interviews that Jenny really dropped a bomb on him, but that it's his decision to make, and that he has to confront Trish about certain things. Because I'm sure she'll tell the truth. Jenny continues, saying that Trish is not someone to take home to meet your parents, or to start a family with. And then! We find out that Trish is not only a whore, but she's also barely a woman! Because she doesn't like kids! She thinks they are "dirty nuisances"! I mean, if Jesse wants lots of little quarterbacks, he should know this, but Jenny needs to dial down the judgment a little bit. Jenny interviews that it wasn't fun to tell Jesse about Trish, but that she knew that she had to tell him. ["Plus, as if it wouldn't be at least a little fun. Come on." -- Wing Chun] Jesse and Jenny hug and kiss on the lips, which bothers me, and I am someone who has many male friends.

Jesse invites all of the women back to his house for swimming and a barbecue. Jesse interviews that this date was important, because he wanted to find out whether the women could be a little more selfless, and they have been. Later that night, the women swim and hang out in the hot tub while drinking out of red plastic cups. It's a kegger! Jesse asks Jessica B. to step away with him for a moment for some serious tongue action. What? You know that's what's going to happen. Jesse interviews that he really wanted to let Jessica B. know how he felt about her. They lie down together on the couch, with towels on over their bathing suits. Jesse is upset that they haven't had any one-on-one time, like that hasn't been his decision. Jessica says that if she leaves, she wants it to be because Jesse didn't click with her, and not because he didn't get to know her. Jesse says that he was looking forward to today's date to see Jessica, who immediately asks if he says that to everyone. Jesse assures her that he doesn't, and they laugh. Jessica interviews that she feels a spark with Jesse, and that they'd be insane not to explore it. Time for the making out! Jessica rests her hand on Jesse's giant chin, probably to keep his enormous head from crushing her or pulling her into its gravitational orbit. Jessica B. returns to the hot tub, but Jesse doesn't, and she tells the other women that they didn't kiss. No one believes her.