“ Charlie tells HRWEG, 'I'm, like, nervous and anxious about this whole thing, and it's not my daughter.' Man, how I wish he had taken that opportunity to turn to Carol and scream in her face, 'AND IT'S NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, EITHER!' Because, well, it's not. ”
Oh, oh, Stephanie Lydecker
I love John Waters' Hairspray but I really hated Pecker
I went to high school with a guy named Rob Stecker
Your reporting style makes me sob
And the great thing about poetry is that it doesn't even have to rhyme! Or make sense at all!
Chris Harrison, The Anchor Of The Crazy News on the network known as Eeeeee! throws it over to the new woman on the scene, the eponymous star of the pop sensation "Oh, Oh, Stephanie Lydecker" that's sweeping the nation. He learns us real good that she is a former (?) Bachelorette producer who became friends with Trista during the filming of that show. We're watching a career overhaul in action, folks. Not since we watched J. Lo move from mid-market respectability (whatever, you can never take Out Of Sight away from her, so don't even try) to high-profile total, total shit has such a vocational evolution happened right before the eyes of the nation. Nay, the world. Except for Lichtenstein. They're still mad. Chris reminds us that Stephanie watched Trista and Ryan's love blossom, asking her, "Did you ever dream they'd end up here?" Right off the bat we're in trouble, as Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) cops to having "had [her] doubts" in the past, but having been there from the first Rose Ceremony, she is now convinced that Trista and Ryan are "living proof that you can find true love anywhere, even on national television." She laughs nervously in an "I'm fired, right?" kind of way. Chris asks how things are kicking in the bridal suite, and Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) is denied the symmetry of an audience with the bride, instead reporting that things are similarly "calm" as we glimpse a fully dressed Trista sitting ramrod straight in her chair at a distance from her "friend" Stephanie. Yeah, she's totally chill.
Oh, oh, Stephanie Lydecker
Watching you is like watching Becker
I stare at your on-air talent like a voyeuristic rubbernecker
Watches a really bad crash
See that, Bob? Everyone's a songwriter!
Stephanie and Charlie now move on to cover their "beat," that of the arrivals of the families of the bride and groom as well as the bridal party. Charlie runs into Stan and Carol, Trista's father and stepmother, while they're checking into the hotel, and he brandishes that big-ass microphone in their faces and they're all, "Charlie!" HRWEG gives him a big, loud hug that tries not to scream "THIS IS VERY, VERY AWKWARD" but succeeds in fooling no one except for the sleeping Lichtenstein. He then makes the tough observations that qualify him for this position to begin with: "I'm, like, nervous and anxious about this whole thing, and it's not my daughter." Man, how I wish he had taken that golden opportunity to turn to Carol and just scream in her face, "AND IT'S NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, EITHER!" Because, well, it's not. Oh, and remember how much more HRWEG liked Charlie than he did Ryan? Ah, memories.
Marry Me A Lot
“ Stephanie! is to catch up with Russ, asking him what a voice-over Chris promises us will be the questions 'we've all been dying to know.' She asks Russ, 'Are you excited?' We've all been dying to know if Russ is excited? I am not one with the zeitgeist these days, people. ”
Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) is dressed down a bit for this meet-and-greet, though the font on her microphone grows no less ostentatious. She holds said instrument of amplifying doom up to the big, flapping lips of one Bob Guiney, who stands to a miserable-looking Estella. Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) tells them how "happy" they look, a comment as true as if Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) had just given herself the critique "you look very comfortable in front of the camera." And, say what you will about Bob (oooh, oooh, I'll go first: "yuck"), he spins his answer with surprising elegance, responding to Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!), "We're elated...to be here." Estella echoes a squeaky, "We are!" It's the first thing they've agreed upon since the words "As soon as this contract is up, we're done here," uttered by both of them, in unison, one thousand times.
Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) is to catch up with Russ, asking him what a voice-over Chris promises us will be the questions "we've all been dying to know." She asks Russ, "Are you excited?" We've all been dying to know if Russ is excited? I am not one with the zeitgeist these days, people. It is now clear to me. Stephanie moves onto her question, asking Russ if he brought Trista "a little Tiffany box." Oh, Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!), that is so last year of you. More specifically, Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!), that is so January 11, 2003 of you. Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) tells Brook that he's still "her very favorite cowboy," and Jamie tells Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) that he's "still single," and that he'll be doing The Bachelor when he's eighty-nine. Ah, and it's true. I didn't watch the first season of The Bachelor, so I don't know who Amy and Angelique are. Amy tells us she's still single, but posits, "Maybe by the end of the weekend..." Stephanie (oh, Stephanie!) takes her cue and promises "an interesting few days." And, just like last week, another one of the world's great non-materializing subplots is set up and never knocked down.
Back over at the observation deck of Chris Harrison National Park, Chris tells us that "the excitement isn't just limited to the wedding party and guests." Cue, what, the entrance of the Pope, via satellite from Vatican City? "I am very sorry I could not attend the wedding of Trista and Ryan, but rest assured I will be watching the event on Wednesday at 9/8 Central, on my local ABC affiliate, right before local news. Oh, and death to deviants and single mothers." Wow, the Pope!
Actually, what Chris is referring to when he mentions the overflowing, dizzying excitement of the day is a swarm of (well, four) helicopters churning overhead. Chris tells us that it's the "paparazzi, angling for a clean view of the bride and groom." To be posted without permission on ABC's sister site www.youcouldhavehadtheweddinginside.com or its mirror site www.bullshitbullshitbullshit.org. Let's go to a commercial while the production staff finishes their task of pulling those "Property of Entertainment" stickers off the side of the helicopters. Swarms of paparazzi. Bullshit.