Sick and twisted props to Tracie, who was fundamental in the timely completion of this recap. I would also like to extend a formal apology to her, both for dragging her through this experience with me, and also for the twisted metaphor in which I was a needy welfare mom and she was taking my kids to the circus. I would also like to extend an apology to Child Protective Services for the somewhat remote location of my difficult-to-find house; call off the dogs and rest assured that I am now taking adequate care of my non-existent children.
Hmmm. There must be a recap in here somewhere. Hang on. Let me check my pockets.
Good morning, Angels. Good morning, Chris Harrison! Chris "There'll Be Scary Host Stories And Tales Of The Glories Of Bachelor Shows Long Long Ago" Harrison saunters into the living room at the Ladies' Villa, for once at least satisfied in the knowledge that he's not the only screen presence this week to make the bulk of his salary via his shamelessly obvious product placements for Chess King. He tells the assembled remaining six ladies that he's brought with him some of "Bob's closest friends." And, following behind him into the living room like they're The Disney Electric Light Parade Of The C-List and he's their drum major are:
1. Greg, who is introduced as Bob's "business partner." He is a tall, slender gentleman with a green button-down shirt and jeans who is so weirdly tanned in all the wrong places that he makes my first box of 64-color Crayolas climb out of my parents' basement and go, "Now we understand why there's an umber!" If I storyboarded this episode, that thing would be down to a nub. Thank goodness for the sharpener on the back. But criminy to the fact that those damn sharpeners never worked.
2. Katina, Greg's wife. I kind of liked her when she was with the Waves, but I can't fucking STAND her solo stuff.
3. Jamie, from The Bachelorette, who, you'll recall (recall, I say...RECALL!), seemed to be an early shoo-in to win Trista's heart, until Trista was all, "Those teeth! So bright! Blinded by teeth! Bliiiiiiiiiiiind! [Confused pause] Oh, wait. Those are my teeth. But his teeth are pretty white, too. Whatever we're both doing with our teeth, four out of five dentists agree we could probably lay off the White Strips for a while. Even though they whiten while you sleep!" Then Jamie wasn't on that show anymore.
“ With that story, Estella officially becomes the seventeenth girl to play a dead relative card in a gambit for a pity rose. Um, like, Bob? My cousin Lou just died. Can I wipe my eyes with your book deal? ”
Bob feels a connection with Estella. Imagine that. It's awesome. Estella's greatest hope is that she and Bob get so drunk that they run straight to the chapel and get married and don't come back to the show. She can't keep her hands off of him in the limo. Or at Caesar's Palace, where we're enjoying a private dinner. Oh my God, Estella's voice. It was bad always, but drenched in Shiraz, it's literally unbearable. To get the stalker vibe we'd almost lost kicking again, Estella reminds Bob that she thought he was hot when he was on The Bachelorette. Now that she's got him, she's not going to hold back. That's one thing she's learned in life...she shares everything she's feeling in every single moment. Huh. Is that so? She says to Bob, "You never experience life fully if you put up a wall, because you'll never really get the true understanding that you deserve." Wha? Bob acts like she said something deep, but it's only because they're both so drunk. Then they get on with the sloppy smooching. There's more where that came from, I'm sure. She tells him that her father died, and she garbles something that makes him respond, "That was a great decision by you." I adore Love In The Time Of Passive Voice. Also, with that story, Estella officially becomes the seventeenth girl to play a dead relative card in a gambit for a pity rose. Um, like, Bob? My cousin Lou just died. Can I wipe my eyes with your book deal?
Kelly Jo brings the newly arrived Date Box into the house and tells us that she was nervous because she knew that the box was for either a one-on-one date or a group date. You can't put anything past Kelly Jo, that's for sure. Lee-Ann, Meredith and Brooke get the group date. The ladies reason it out and, after a few seconds of breaking up into individual discussion groups and some scribbling on scrap paper, they deduce that Kelly Jo gets the other one-on-one date. Lots of whooping and hollering....until Mary, for some reason, starts to cry. All of the tears this season have really lacked context. Just like when the ladies had to pick who was most and least compatible for Bob, I never had a clue as to why they were crying, ever. Flashback to Mary and Bob kissing. She's sad because she had such a great time on her date with Bob, and the thought of him going out with the other ladies...just...makes...her....so...mad. I'm sorry, but come on. Dust off those bifocals and read the fine print of why you're there. It's emotions borrowed and love on loan. Meredith comforts her. Mary says she feels like a jerk. Jerk.
Meanwhile, back at a suite inside Caesar's Palace, hot fun in the lovertime. Or something. I never knew what those words were. For some reason, Bob and Estella both look down at Bob's pants, and he seductively says to Estella, "Do you like it?" She retorts, "Yeah." Fucking network porn. You never get to see any of the good stuff. Like, for instance, there are no attractive men anywhere in the frame right now. Bob then asks Estella if this date is what she would have hoped for, or if she was wishing for a group setting. This makes Estella upset for some reason, perhaps because of the sick amount of IV-injected alcohol they have managed to consume this evening. Estella slurs in a confessional that she and Bob (her and Bob? Bob and we? Thee and thou?) were having a fantastic time, and then, suddenly, it just got real for her, "and it's hard, and you want to be cool, and you, you want to understand, but I'm a human being, and I have feelings and it, it hurts." She's all like the Elephant Man. I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! Meanwhile, I would LOVE to see the season of The Bachelor as directed by David Lynch. Because he can't do TV and would pour on the dwarves and get this show shitcanned after four episodes.
“ There's no earthly way of knowing... which direction we are going. These girls could learn a great deal from a riverboat trip with Wonka, is all I'm saying. Do I need to regale you with the tale of poor little Augustus Gloop? Because sometimes Bob's complexion makes him look a little covered in caramel. ”
Estella feels weird. It's "different" for her. Bob thinks she's over-thinking things. He confessionalizes that he can only imagine how difficult it is for the women to go on dates with him when they care about him, because he is also dating their friends. I'm sorry, did he say "I could only imagine"? Was he not in this very same situation, way back when the tables are turned? God, I hope Roy is doing okay.
Bob and Estella watch a fake Vegas volcano through the window, just as her own emotions erupt forth in a blazing moment of honesty (in other words, Estella rambles drunkenly). Bob pretends to be understanding while covertly inching his hands closer to Estella's boobies. Estella isn't feeling well and has to go to the bathroom. Is she gonna hurl? Awesome. I'd really been missing Amber from last season just lately. Bob leads her to the restroom. She is totally freaking him out now. She cries and cries in a confessional, and also in the bathroom of their hotel suite, where she adds scary and nonsensical whispering to her repertoire. Bob confessionalizes that, up to this point, Estella has been perfect. But tonight they had a little "bump in the road." Cue doom-infused minor chord. End of date.
Group date. Bob poses in his Ray-Ban shades in front of a hot air balloon. Wow. That's hot. Lee-Ann, Meredith, and Brooke show up and hop into the balloon. Bob says that he's talked to the balloon...what, drivers? who has confirmed that "they have no way of knowing where the hell we're going." There's no earthly way of knowing...which direction we are going. These girls could learn a great deal from a riverboat trip with Wonka, is all I'm saying. Do I need to regale you with the tale of poor little Augustus Gloop? Because sometimes Bob's complexion makes him look a little covered in caramel.
The hot air balloon travels over mountains and valleys, and ends up in Wonderland, as Bob and the girls play a spirited game of croquet, which was awesome in Heathers and now a little queer. Still, that movie. So great. "Will someone tell me why I keep watching this awful show?" "Because you're an idiot?" "Oh, that's it."
Bob takes Meredith aside for some private time. He asks how things are going in the house, and then tells her how much he likes all of the ladies who are left. Way to romance her, Fatsanova. Meredith says in a confessional, "Bob told me that he doesn't know what he's going to do. He likes everyone. I just find it ridiculous that, you know, he loves or likes everyone the exact same. It's just not normal." They would talk through these knotty issues further, but they've gotta motor or they're going to be totally late for Kurt and Ram's funeral.
Bob talks some more about how much he likes everyone, and how the whole thing is "a convoluted mess." Yep. You said it, freak-diggity. He takes some private time with Brooke, who asks him how he feels about the fact that she didn't get a one-on-one date. He talks some more about how tough it is to be The Bachelor. Oh, poor Bob who likes all the ladies so very much! How can he possibly cope with it all? He even invokes Trista's name. Say it two more times and she appears and grants a wish.
“ She confessionalizes that hearing about his strong connection with other girls 'just pierced [her] heart.' Like a stake that turned her soulless self to dust. ”
Now it's Lee-Ann's private time. She asks Bob how he's feeling about the rose ceremony. He tells her that he's had some amazing connections, and that he's just "reeling." Hmmm. She doesn't look so pleased about that. She confessionalizes that hearing about his strong connection with other girls "just pierced [her] heart." Like a stake that turned her soulless self to dust. Back to her and Bob. She cries out, "It shouldn't be this hard! Why is it so hard?" Once again, so porn-y! Bob continues to forget, conveniently, that he was once on a show with the exact same pretense (but, y'know with the tables turned and all) and says, "The fact that they're having to hear about me dating their friends...I'd be pissed too." Cue doom-infused minor chord. End of date.
Back to the ladies' villa. Shenanigans in the pool. Lots of supple bodies in bikinis. Bob's friends are leaving. Jamie thinks that the girls are "phenomenally hot." Bye Jamie! And one more thing...LOOK OUT! Just kidding! We love you despite your panic-inducing anxiety disorder.
Now to the date with Kelly Jo, who brings lobsters and flowers to Bob's house. He calls her a "sassy lady." Bob suggestively wardrobes Kelly Jo in an apron as she suggestively wiggles her ass. Ah, the exotic mating rituals of the heteros. As Bob pours the water out of the lobster pot, Kelly Jo says, "Your hands are busy right now -- I can just abuse you!" Bob feeds her bits of lobster claw. She confessionalizes, "It was just so romantic. We're so comfortable...using our hands and feeding each other. It was wonderful." Then she whips out a conveniently located photo album. And guess what? Kelly Jo has a dead father, too. And he taught her so much about how to live. Kelly Jo's dead father would have loved Bob, according to Kelly Jo. Smooching. Bob appreciates that Kelly Jo is willing to share herself. In more ways than one, wacka-wacka.
Kelly Jo disrobes at the pool, and she totally has a hot little bod. She says that Bob is, for her, absolute perfection: "He's everything I've ever wanted in a man." You know what the lesson here is? If you have low expectations, you will never be disappointed. Kelly Jo, too, is falling in love with Bob. She knows that he could make her completely happy. Big-time making out in the hot tub. Soft fade. End of date. Kelly Jo is totally going to win. I don't know where she's from, but they totally have second homes there too, I bet.
"Going into tonight's Rose Ceremony, I still have a lot to think about," Bob confessionalizes going into tonight's Rose Ceremony. Tons of things. Troubled hair care. The skyrocketing price of real estate purchases in Florida. How to keep Nana jokes fresh even as her freshness fades. The whole package. As the ladies file into Bob's Villa, he adds that more than one woman could make him happy for the rest of his life, so "it's difficult" to think about sending two of them home. And the rest of his life is a very long time, so he should probably consider this decision carefully. Someone he'll be with for the rest of his life. Or, if he chooses Mary, the short rest of hers.
“ The women file in, marching in single file because all they ever really needed to know they learned in kindergarten. Which is why most of them know how to listen and follow directions, but few of them appear to maintain the cognitive skills required for, say, math. ”
The women file in, marching in single file because all they ever really needed to know they learned in kindergarten. Which is why most of them know how to listen and follow directions, but few of them appear to maintain the cognitive skills required for, say, math. I don't know. I'm just guessing. Brooke walks in first, and Bob offers every ounce of the pre-boot disingenuousness he can muster with this: "You look beautiful. As always." Muh-huh. Kelly Jo takes this opportunity to confessionalize, "I love the girls, but that's over right now. It's all about Bob." Yep. That's totally a hell of a strategy, wouldn't you say? Coat yourself in sugary sweetness, but when push comes to shove, become Lee-Ann. I hope that shit is on the reunion special, because it's time to call some people out on their shit is all I'm saying. Oh, wait. I forgot that I kind of like Kelly Jo. In either case, Bob is wearing a silver tie tonight and he looks like Johnny Dangerously.
Bob hugs Mary and she fails to let go. Realizing that she's failed to distinguish herself as the only woman in Bob's life just yet, Mary's desperation seems to have led to her trying to take Bob in through her pores. It's such a sad sight that I feel compelled to write a plaintive song about it. And I have a sneaking suspicion that the refrain won't be complete until it melds the words "osmosis" with "osteoporosis" in a union more ideal than the one Bob and Mary will never end up experiencing.
"Tonight's going to be a weird night for everybody," Bob explains to the ladies, moments later. It's like he just realized that the husk of a perfect coif we used to call Chris Harrison has utterly jumped ship, and he's rushed in to fill the void where the cornerstone of a reality-show host used to be. "It's gonna be good and bad, all at the same time." Oh my god, just like life! From just behind him, Mary saunters in, having run upstairs to check on the rapidly aging portrait of her, stashed away in the attic. Yup. Still old.
Bob and Mary retreat outside and onto the lanai. Bob tells us that "she's a very passionate woman." I deny that! "There's no denying that." Well, never mind, then! That increasingly familiar noise of two smacky faces meeting in the night in front of a microphone positioned sixteen inches from their faces kicks up again, as they're all, "Smack smack, gurgle gurgle." Bob whispers some pillow talk though there are no pillows, but I tend to miss what he says when he's in a profile shot, because that's usually when his sideburns look me right in the eye and then leap through my TV screen and take a swipe. Oh, fine, I'll tell you: "I just wish I had more time to spend with you." After that, Tracie and I spend a long, long time discussing why he called her "Maria." Actually, it started with us divorcing ourselves from the fact that we both thought he said, "I wish I had more time to spend with you, Maureen." Which I believe was a more popular form of nomenclature back in the old country from whence Mary came, though I'll bet it was still a radical departure from the names her peers usually got. I'll bet her sisters names are Gertrude and Dorothy. Or Rose, Blanche, and Sophia. They are out on the lanai, after all. Mary tells Bob that she really wants a rose, adding as a means of dampening the rank smell of opportunism such rose-begging can often give off, "More than I want a rose, I want you." Kiss kiss. Love love. In a confessional, Mary issues this somewhat challenging syntactical exercise. Parse with me! "Each and every time that I get near Bob, my heart confirms what it feels, and that's my love for him." Should we post that in the haiku thread? Because it's six syllables too long. What the hell does that mean? On their way back into the house, Bob is overheard complimenting Mary's dress, as he tells her, "This crimson ensemble looks lovely on you." That is, bar none, the gayest fashion utterance in the history of television by a non-Cojocaro, ever.
“ Chris hates -- HATES -- his life. Even the color of his tie is sarcastic. ”
Bob and Kelly Jo lie horizontal on a giant couch (that ate the ottoman that ate the something that swallowed the fly that...oh, never mind), Kelly Jo telling Bob, "My family is my life." She wants to let him know about her fond memories of her father. She wants to let us know that she falls more in love with Bob every time she's with him. I feel that way too, except with Horse rules applying.
You know what makes me a total freakin' tool? I mean, besides my extensive Hummel figurine collection? What makes me a tool is that I know AND I care that this episode is the rare episode where Bob's trip to the Room Of Reckoning isn't its own segment with commercials on either side. I guess this visit to the Room Of Reckoning was so short or so not compelling that they were able to squish it in to the very end of a longer segment. I know that. And it hasn't made me any better a man.
Chris hates -- HATES -- his life. Even the color of his tie is sarcastic. Bob tells him that this has been a "different" kind of night, and Chris snips, "What's different?" Bob responds, "I want to make sure that I make the right decisions, because one of these women could very easily end up being my wife." Chris believes in love, so he leaves Bob alone to watch the video messages. Lee-Ann thanks Bob, and tells him, "Come to my hometown, so my dad can beat you at a game of basketball." Sport after sport after sport! Lee-Ann's father is kind of a sportsman, eh? Not to mention maybe kind of a competitive jerk. Meredith had fun on her one-on-one time. Estella had an amazing time in Vegas. I think she's still loaded. Mary tells him that "it doesn't take a roller coaster to make [her] heart start beating fast." Oh, those weird menopausal flutters. Bob knows so much about them from hearing about them from his own mom, I'll bet. She continues, "Hand me my rose and I can lay a big, fat, wet one on you." Right after pinching his cheeks until they're raw and bloody, and telling him she hasn't seem him since he was thiiiiiiis tall! Brooke wants a rose. No way! Kelly Jo is wearing some serious earrings, and tells Bob that she can imagine "waking up to [him] for the rest of [her] life." But in the end, don't we all sleep alone? I mean, if given the choice between him and alone?
Chris blee blee blam blimmity blam, two girls will leave, blerp.