May The Best Ass Win

Previously: Elizabeth Cady Stanton rolled over in her grave and muttered, "Why did I even bother?" God, there's another five-minute clip show recapping the whole season. I've already recapped this stuff, sometimes four or five times. I'm not doing it again. Tonight, the stuff that happens tonight is going to happen. Tonight. Seriously, I'm not going to pre-recap this stuff, when it's just going to be repeated over and over again. Tonight, Brooke and Helene will meet Aaron's family. Then he's going to pick one of them to ask to marry him. It's the most dramatic finale, ever! If your definition of "dramatic" includes "boring, repetitive, and thoroughly predictable." It's the moment you've all been waiting for! Because then it will be over and these people will go away! Eventually. After a zillion pointless press interviews.

We open in Springfield, Missouri. Time-elapse film doesn't succeed in making it look any more impressive than the Smalltown, U.S.A. that it clearly is. In his loft, See 'N Say Aaron makes coffee without his shirt on and tells us all that he's down to two women and he's thinking of asking one of them to marry him. Thanks for the newsflash. He says that he needs his family's help to make this last decision. Of course, the show was going to force the women to meet his family whether he needed their help or not, so he might as well go along with it.

We cut to Helene, standing outside some hotel that couldn't afford to pay for product placement. She tells us that she can't believe she's actually there in Springfield. I would have said exactly the same thing, but my tone would be very, very different. She says it's surreal and exciting to consider marrying Aaron after knowing him for such a short time. A limo comes by to pick her up. Aaron steps out of the limo to greet Helene. He's wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and FLIP FLOPS. Sweet Jesus. They hug. Aaron says he couldn't sleep, because he was so exciting about seeing her again. I think he couldn't sleep because it looked like a plane was going to crash into him, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Aaron and Helene load into the limo. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that it's the most exciting day for him blah blah blah.

As he and Helene drive through Springfield, Aaron points out the billboard for his bank, featuring a giant image of Aaron, with his giant head and giant teeth. I hope it's been vandalized by now. Seeing that billboard every day would give me "He's coming to eat me!" nightmares. Helene laughs and says it's a good picture. They start heading through some neighborhoods where Aaron explains he'd like to buy a house someday. They look at houses. They're big. They're pretty. I'm bored. There's a house with a pink roof. Yikes. They joke that it would take a manly man to live in a house like that. It would take a blind man. Or woman. Aaron tells us he thinks that Helene is enjoying herself and is impressed with what she sees. Yeah, who needs Philly when you can hitch yourself to a Springfield, MO middlewig? Helene tells us that it's great to see Aaron in his hometown, and that she likes what she sees.

Helene and Aaron head over to Aaron's loft apartment. Everybody involved in the show explains to us that they're at Aaron's loft. I recognize lofts like this. Every small town in the United States has got a couple hundred of people who work in whatever high-tech jobs are available or are just starting careers as college professors or aspiring artists. They're what I call "pre-urbanites." They don't have secure enough lives (either financially or emotionally) to actually move to a big city, so they try to recreate the experience the best they can. Some eventually move on to bigger cities. Some, like Aaron, decide that this is urban enough for them. I knew a lot of people with places like this when I was working in a town about the size of Springfield in South Carolina.

Aaron shows Helene around. There are nice hardwood floors and brick walls and stairs. There's a piano. There's a sleek kitchen that looks like it's never used. The loft is pretty, but also incredibly bland and sterile. Just like our Aaron. Helene asks what would happen if she said she didn't like it, but then says she's kidding.

Aaron and Helene head downstairs to take a look at the restaurant Aaron is "building," called Trolleys. Oh, what an incredibly cheesy name. He tells Helene that they're trying to bring the outside indoors -- which, as any Trading Spaces participant can tell you, is your cue to scream and run away. The inside of the restaurant, still under construction, is dominated by facades of brick storefronts all along the inside walls. It's just so busy and tacky. Aaron says that it's intended to mimic what it's like if you were sitting outside on an old Chicago Street. Perhaps if you're two feet tall. And stupid. And of course, there's a sports bar in the back so all his fellow Chipsters can hang out. And there will be televisions. And a kitchen. The only thing that separates this restaurant from hundreds of thousands of restaurants just like it everywhere across the country is that stupid brickwork. Helene points out that his loft is right above the restaurant, and worries that it will be loud. Aaron says it won't be. Then Aaron repeats to us what Helene just said. God. Kill me. Aaron concludes that Helene is actually thinking about moving to Springfield, which is a good sign.

, Helene and Aaron head out to an airport to fly Helene around. Helene worries about the plane being really small. I'd be more concerned about the weekend pilots, myself. Aaron explains to us that they went to the fucking airport. And then we see them at the airport. There Helene meets Aaron's father, Alden. Alden looks almost exactly like Aaron, except with white hair. He even has the oversized head and giant teeth. And he's just as smarmy and insincere. He tells Helene that she has a unique name, and says that she's beautiful.

So Alden, Aaron, and Helene all head up in the tiny airplane, and I can practically hear the air-traffic controller crying. Alden pilots the plane while Helene sits in the co-pilot seat, pretending that anything she does matters. Eventually they land in Grove, Oklahoma, which is where some lake house is located. I'll bet they all live out there as some sort of state tax dodge. They drive past some huge houses in yet another limo. Helene points out all the windows. Alden asks her how she'd like to clean all of them. Helene says she doesn't do windows. They all laugh at the silly woman who doesn't know her place.

Eventually, Helene, Aaron, and Alden drive up to some boring, cookie-cutter brick home. It's time to meet the family. Helene tells us that she's nervous about meeting the family because she wants to make a good impression and blah blah blah. They head into the house, and Alden calls everybody in to say hello to Helene. She meets Kathy, Aaron's mom, first. Kathy looks like Christi in about twenty years. She's wearing a red denim sleeveless vest and ugly red and white floral-print slacks. We also meet Aaron's unidentified grandmother.

Helene tells us that she feels like Aaron's girlfriend. Duh. They all hang out in the kitchen, and Mom asks if Aaron has played the piano at all. Yeah, we heard him stumble through some vapid song weeks ago. He blathers about playing Helene some song about her pretty eyes. Whatever. Grandma asks Helene what she does for a living. She explains about being a school psychologist. Aaron recaps the drama about Helene threatening to leave because of crazy Christi, adding that he's glad she stuck around. Mom compares it to a beauty pageant, not realizing that the pageant women were the troublemakers. Mom explains that she used to judge beauty pageants herself, so she knows that the women are vicious. Of course, they're vicious because of the people like her, so Mom needs to stop acting like some shocked observer. Also, Mom is wearing so much black eyeliner that she looks like she tried to draw on a pair of glasses. Aaron asks if anybody wants to go cruising on the boat.

We cut to a view of everybody cruising on the boat, while Helene tells us that everyfuckingbody went cruising on the fucking boat. Sorry, profanity is the only way I can deal with it anymore. She goes on to describe exactly what we see: Aaron's parents sitting in the back with their arms around each other, while Aaron and Helene pilot the ship with their arms around each other. They let Helene drive the boat. She makes a big deal about it. She tells us that she hopes to "communicate" to Aaron that she has really fallen for him, and she hopes he feels the same. But she's also thinking about her competition, Brooke.

This serves as a segue back to Brooke in Los Angeles. That was soooo fake. They totally made Helene say that so they could use it for the transition. Brooke heads into Harry Winston alone to try on engagement rings. She's getting sized in advance, so just in case Aaron decides to ask her to marry him instead of Helene, she'll be ready. It's all so romantic. A clerk helps her try on four different cuts. They're all very fancy, and I couldn't possibly care less. Jewelry doesn't even show up on my list of "Top Ten Thousand Things I Remotely Give a Shit About." I wore a gold chain for about three months in high school, until I realized that it didn't make me look any cooler. And an ex gave me a silver ring, which I wore for about six months. I haven't worn any jewelry since. ["I'm over here, married, with no engagement ring and a ten-dollar silver 'wedding band' from a Santa Monica head shop, so I feel you. I'm not responsible enough for fancy jewellery. Oh, and I'm also cheap." -- Wing Chun] Brooke and the clerk blather on about the color and the shapes and how the bigger ones mean he loves you more and blah blah blah. Brooke tells us that when she slipped on the first ring, it really hit her that Aaron might actually ask her to marry him. She points out that her hands are shaking. She says that all that she could think about was what it would mean if Aaron were to actually slide that ring on her finger. It would mean that you've all bought into a concept that a chunk of pressurized carbon worn on your hand is proof of emotional attachment. The guy who wants to marry me had better buy me something I can actually use.

Commercials. We return to the lakeside tax shelter. The wimminfolk start making dinner. Aaron fucking tells us that the fucking women are making fucking dinner. Helene's helping with the corn muffins and making a big deal about it. Jesus. They're just muffins. You mix stuff up and pour it into cups and put in the oven. I've been making muffins since I was ten. Get a grip. Aaron's brother and his wife show up. Helene fucking tells us that Aaron's fucking brother and his fucking wife show up. Their names are Justin and Tricia. I think Tricia's pregnant. Or else I just called her fat. Oh well. Like I care. Aaron explains to us that they were "high-school sweethearts" (gag) and have been together for nine years. He insists that this means that they were very skeptical about this whole TV-show thing. Whatever. Nobody here really cares one way or another, honestly. They're just trying to sell us on this idea that the opinions of Aaron's family members matter, because otherwise they're admitting that this entire first hour is a big waste. Which it is.

Helene and the Buerges sit outside on a patio and eat dinner. Tricia asks Helene what her family thought of Aaron. She says they loved him. Justin says they didn't spend enough time with him, then. Having, unfortunately, spent much more time with Aaron than Helene's family did, I tend to agree. Alden blathers on about the process and proposing after seven weeks of knowing Helene. These chairs they're sitting on are those metal-framed patio chairs that lack braces in the back, allowing people in them to sort of simulate rocking without actually sitting in a rocking chair. Aaron rocks fiercely in his chair and declares that he's not going to ask either women to marry him then and there unless he feels that it's right. The producers all nod in agreement, even though they know Aaron has agreed to pop the question in order to give the season its "happy ending." Alden asks Helene whether she's thought about how she would respond if Aaron were to "pop the question." She blathers that they've gotten to know each other really well and blah blah blah. She says, "I wouldn't be opposed to the idea or anything like that. I'm pretty open-minded." See, she's speaking Aaron's language -- Equivocation. Kathy stares at Helene, wondering why she's not throwing herself at Kathy's perfect little boy.

Finally, Mama Buerge pipes up: "You're twenty-seven years old. Why have you not found Mr. Right by now?" Because it's not 1952 anymore, Mrs. Schlafly. She doesn't have a "sell by" date stamped on her forehead, does she? Shut up, Mama Buerge. ["Holy God, she actually said those words to Helene's face? That alone is reason enough for Helene not to marry Aaron. Gross." -- Wing Chun] Mama Buerge explains that she had three kids by the time she was Helene's age. Yes, well, the world is full of people who aren't you, Kathy. Shut up. Helene diplomatically (though not very articulately, of course) explains that she's been focusing on her career. And stuff. Or whatever. You know. She reveals that she was engaged once while she was in college, but that it didn't work out. So they made a big deal out of Brooke's engagement, but this is the first time this is being mentioned on the show? Alden blathers on about marriage being a commitment, saying that he hopes Helene feels the same way. Helene insists that when she gets married, it'll be for good: "Whoever I marry is stuck with me." Kathy asks Helene how she'd feel about relocating. Because god knows her little boy is never leaving. Ever! Helene says she's okay with that, as long as there are jobs available in the school district. Justin jokes that there aren't any schools in Springfield. I think he's joking, anyway. Aaron tells us that he was quiet during the dinner to gauge how his family reacted to Helene. He says he thinks they asked her tough questions. Liar. He says that she handled their questions well, and that he's "very proud of her." "Proud"? She's a full-grown woman, not a fifth-grader who came in second place in the VFW's essay contest on "Why I love America."

Tricia asks Helene how she thinks the experience has affected her. Tricia's rocking now, too. Helene says she had a good time. And stuff. She met a great guy. You know. She says that, in the future, if Aaron doesn't pick her, she's going to end up comparing future boyfriends to him. Everybody there thinks that's a compliment, while I suspect most single men are relieved. It's really not hard to measure up to Aaron. Tricia tells Helene that Alden and Kathy love their family very much. Everybody goes, "Awww." Alden says that Tricia "set the bar pretty high for the daughter-in-law in the family." Ewwww. He makes it sound like anybody marrying into the family has some sort of obligation to prove herself to them in order to be accepted. Repulsive. Aaron tells us that Tricia is a "cohesive" part of this family, and that he needs to know where she stands. Whatever. I think they're just holding up cue cards for Aaron to read during these interviews so that they can have some sort of narrative, no matter how redundant or unnecessary. Aaron drags Justin and Tricia into the kitchen to get their opinions. They think Helene's fine. Tricia says that if Aaron and Helene are having a good time, that's all the matters. Tricia makes a point of saying that Aaron doesn't want a woman who is totally "dependent" on him. I think Tricia's been getting bribes from Foreshadowing. Outside, Helene jokes that they're trashing her inside. Alden asks Helene if she's got any questions about Aaron. But then Aaron comes back out, and Helene jokes about trying to get "dirt" on Aaron, and no actual questions are ever asked.