Bachelor TV Show - Do Not Pass Goat - Bachelor Photos & Videos, Bachelor Reviews & Bachelor Recaps | TWoP

Recapped by Daniel · Aired 02-04-2013

Chris Harrison greets the remaining hostages by saying "Congratulations" for some reason, and then tells them there's a group-sex date, a one-on-one and a two-on-one. They all groan because they know what the "two-on-one" means. Most of them probably can't identify their Congressperson, but they know what a two-on-one date on The Bachelor means.

They're all going to Montana, maybe because the relatively sparse population means they can't spread venereal disease as rapidly out there? Or Montana drew the short straw?

Sean arrives in Montana in a seaplane, and tells us what an "outdoorsy" guy he is, and how this is going to be rough on some of these delicate flowers that he's dating. Meanwhile, the women are likewise arriving in Whitefish and scaring away all wildlife by screeching uncontrollably.

The first date card is discovered: It's for Lindsay. "Let love soar. Sean" is what it says, and Lindsay cries a little because it means so much for her to get that little extra attention, which is not unlike a lobster being excited to be plucked from the tank. Sean arrives to pick her up, and they walk out to where a helicopter is waiting on the lawn. "Is that a helicopter?" asks Lindsay. She's ... not sure if it's a helicopter? The other women all go out on the deck to watch the helicopter take off, like this doesn't happen every week on this show.

They go to Glacier National Park, which is a great choice in that their bodies wouldn't be found for years. Lindsay says she's never felt so close to somebody as Sean, which makes me feel inestimably sad for Lindsay.

They have a picnic on a mountain or some damn thing, and it looks like they're freezing, and then they start making out. "I'm just feeling so happy and blessed," Lindsay tells us.

And then later at the lodge, Sean is toasting to an incredible day and an even more special night. All they've really done is gone from lying on the grass to lying in front of a fireplace. Sean asks about her being an Army brat, and she talks about her father being gone for much of her "adolescence" and how she moved around a lot. And now that that's done with, they get back to ramming their tongues down each other's throat.

Back in the women's lodge, a group-sex-date card arrives, and AshLee reads it out: "You make my heart race..." It's for Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella. AshLee, for one, is a little surprised at how gleeful Tierra is at going on the two-on-one date. I mean, say what you want about Tierra -- at least she's confident. At least for now.

Sean and Lindsay are wrapping up what is perhaps the most boring date ever seen on this show, and he gives her the rose, and then they start kissing again, for a nice change of pace. Sean tells us they come from two different backgrounds, but they share "the same morals" by which I assume he means, "She's not going to expect to have a career or a say in major household decisions or anything."

And then they go wandering out into Whitefish, where some sort of street concert is going on by someone named Sarah Darling, whoever that is, and I'm sure the good folks of Whitefish appreciate Sean and Lindsay being put up on a platform and blocking the view of the people behind them while they make out and slow dance to this bland pseudo-music.

And now this Sarah Darling is singing this song about wanting to be someone's bad habit, and it appears there are some idiots in the crowd who are actually taking pictures and shooting video of Sean and Lindsay dancing, and I'm sorry, Whitefish, but apparently you deserve whatever you get.

Another day, another chance to despoil the natural beauty of Montana. Sean says he's not necessarily looking for "an outdoorsman wife," whatever that is, but he wants someone who can wear heels one day and, I don't know, build a lean-to the . Translation: Be rough but also girly! Be tough and soft! Assist me and pleasure me!

Anyway, the group date is at a ranch or something, and Chris Harrison greets them to explain about some stupid relay race, where they're going to ride a canoe, buck hay, saw a log and milk a goat. And also one of them needs to drink the goat milk because this is stupid. Desiree announces she will down goat milk to spend more time with Sean. There are some awful swallowing connotations happening here, and I'm sure that's PURELY UNINTENTIONAL.

There is a little more screen time than necessary spent watching the women decide who's going to do what part of the relay race, not to mention explaining that the loser goes back to the lodge immediately. You know, like what happens EVERY TIME THERE'S A TEAM COMPETITION on this show.

The race starts with the canoe portion, and none of the women in the canoes seem to have ever used a paddle in their lives. Eventually the Blue Team docks their boat and gets to work bucking their hay, but a bale falls apart, giving Red a chance to catch up, and pass Blue to move to the cross-cutting portion of the competition. Red finishes first and heads to the milking, the duties being handled by Desiree who finishes and chugs the milk long ahead of Blue. "Weak people piss me off, and losing pisses me off," says Lesley, in classic "This is everyone's fault but mine" fashion. Catherine was also looking forward to spending extra time with Sean, but she's apparently one of the "weak people" Lesley is talking about, so I guess she's got no one but herself to blame.

So Red -- Desiree, Selma, Robyn and Sarah -- head out for dinner, while Sean whines about the "sinking feeling" he had watching the Blue team leave, and how it's a little late in the game to be letting people go when he hasn't had a chance to spend time with them, and by this point it's obvious Chris thinks the season should just be him having sex with his pick of twenty-five women every week. He says he decided to "bend the rules" like there has ever been anything close to approaching "rules" on this show.

Apparently Harrison is then dispatched to the mansion with a date card for the Blue Team -- AshLee, Lesley, Daniella and Catherine -- that explains sending them home didn't feel good for poor li'l Sean, so he wants them to join him for dinner. After all, why should the format of the show dictate that he has to periodically send people home? Harrison does his best to dress it up by saying Sean was wondering, what if his wife is on the Blue team? I suppose the answer is that I'm not aware of any law that prevents you from marrying someone just because she didn't chug a pint of goat's milk before another woman. Maybe in Alabama? Red Team is understandably excited to head out for dinner.

Meanwhile, Sean is breaking the news to Red that Blue Team is going to be joining them, and because it's such a preposterous idea, they at first think he's kidding. When they realize that really is a sick, self-centered asshole who made them work their asses off for nothing -- and made Desiree chug the goat's milk -- they're angry, although not to his face, of course, because then he might get the idea that women have opinions and that not every decision he makes is wise and good.

Back at the house, the losers get ready. Daniella thinks this decision shows how much character Sean has. Well, it does, but it's not a positive thing, as even she'd likely admit if she's being honest, since she knows Red team's not going to see it as a good thing. Then again, she says, "The girls are literally going to die [sic] when we get there," so we probably don't need to pay too much attention to what Daniella says or thinks. Even Tierra -- who wouldn't have known when the women left that a losing team would be coming home, and who wouldn't get to spend time with him either way -- is pissed that the losers don't have to stay losers all night.

By Daniel

Back at dinner, the "winning" team members are complaining to each other -- not to Sean -- and Selma is so mad that she's talking about herself in the third person. The losers arrive, and Sean seems utterly oblivious to what an ass he's being. He says he understands why the Red team didn't want the Blue team to come back, but that's because they forget that they are women. So silly!

And oh god, here comes Tierra down the street. We actually see her arrive in the background while Sean is doing an interview, and she sneaks up behind him and covers his eyes with her hands.

And when we come back from commercial, we watch that happen again for some reason, like WE JUST SAW THIS FIVE MINUTES AGO. And then Sean has to pretend to be happy to see this crazy woman showing up. Tierra explains to us that she doesn't care what people think of her -- well, that's clear -- but she's got to do what's right for her. Anyway, in contrast to what she said before, she now says she's pissed about the two-on-one. She calls it a huge slap in the face, and how Sean doesn't say, "Well, you're not going to have to go on it, or any other date now because you're going home immediately," I don't understand, until I remember that he seems to be an idiot.

Tierra flounces off, all proud of herself for stalking Sean like this, and Sean hustles back to the other eight women, who are now jockeying for Sean's time. AshLee interrupts Desiree -- who should get some sort of goat's-milk-chugging free pass tonight -- and starts blathering at Sean's face about how she has a "soul connection" with him. "I just adore you," she says. They start kissing, but I think he might have been doing that to shut her up. "I can honestly say I am falling in love with him," she says.

Back at the house, the two-on-one card arrives. "Love is a wild ride," it says. Tierra's patting herself on the back for her pre-emptive strike tonight, which Jackie has no idea about.

By Daniel

On the date, Sean explains that he just wants to "snuggle" with Catherine, and the number of ways this person continues to be an embarrassment to the male of the species keep adding up. Which isn't to say that Catherine isn't a knockout, because she is.

Meanwhile, Daniella -- who is probably confused that the other women didn't literally die when she showed up -- decides to go interrupt Catherine's time, but appears to be thrown off at the sight of Catherine sitting on his lap, and she goes back inside and falls to pieces, crying.

Sean eventually stops making out with Catherine and seeks out Daniella, who keeps crying and talking about how emotional she is, and he talks about how sweet she is (you know, for being so NOT-AT-ALL CREEPILY obsessed with him that she breaks into tears over this stupid shit), and now they're making out.

And now he's with all of the women and explaining that one of the woman showed him a side tonight that he hadn't seen before, and then he gives the rose to Daniella, and between this and his meltdown-rewarding rose for Tierra, I think Sean deserves whatever unhappiness this show visits upon him. He's clueless. All you have to do to impress Sean is fall apart and basically not be able to handle your shit at all, and he'll give you the special boner rose.

Here's the two-on-one date, and it looks like, yet again, that the loser is just sent home and not actually executed, so I guess the producers ignored my petition YET AGAIN. Tierra is really pleased with herself for telling Sean last night that this date is a slap in her face. Well, since she didn't get sent home immediately, maybe she's got reason to be cocky. She gloats that Jackie doesn't know she's on a date with her and her husband.

So they go horseback riding for a million years, Tierra gloating to us and Jackie telling us she's going to tell Sean how not genuine Tierra is. And what that means is apparently at the airport there was a cute guy and Tierra said he was cute and flirted with him. "That is the kind of stuff I need to know," says Sean, all serious, because he needs to know if his woman plans to friendly to other males, and he rewards her with kisses.

Back to the lodge for dinner. "I hope Tierra enjoys her last meal. She should probably eat a little more of that fish because she won't be having more of it when I get that rose," Jackie tells us.

By Daniel

Sean, meanwhile, says he has a lot of questions tonight, and he doesn't know who to give the rose to. Why not both of them? You can do that, right? He pulls Tierra aside. "I am so flustered with my feelings and emotions," she tells us. She suspects Jackie "talked crap" about her, probably because a producer told her, or because if you're going to act hateful and superior, you can probably assume others are going to talk crap about you. She's much smarter about her time with Sean, though "reluctantly" admitting that she has "the biggest heart" and gets scared. This is The Bachelor version of a job interview, when you're asked what your biggest fault is and you say something like, "I'm a perfectionist -- I can't go home until the job is done right." She talks about her last relationship, which lasted five years, while he was in and out of rehab because that's just how damn loyal she is, and then the guy died a few years ago. Would anyone be surprised to find out Tierra's making it up? I wouldn't be, but she seems a little genuine for us when she acknowledges that she's worried Sean's a little freaked out by her oversharing.

Sean and Tierra head back to the table, where he weirdly tells Jackie that their relationship has been slower to develop, and he knows why and he respects that. Did I miss why? Not that I care, or anything. But it's pretty clear -- and Jackie's face falls -- when Sean starts praising Tierra for opening up tonight, where the rose is going, and sure enough, it goes to Tierra. He explains to us that he knows why she attaches herself so strongly to men. "I need that depth if we're going to move forward," he says. Does anyone have any idea what he's talking about? I mean, I realize he's not going to say "she's got huge breasts" here, but could he come up with at least a coherent explanation?

Jackie cries on the ride back into obscurity, while Tierra cackles -- honest to god cackles -- and we watch Tierra and Sean cuddle by a fire while fireworks explode above them. The women back at the lodge see the fireworks, which I'm going to go ahead and pretend symbolize consummation on this show.

It's time for the cocktail party -- a little earlier than normal, but that's because the dates this week have been utter duds. All the women seem pissed because Tierra's still around.

Desiree gets some alone time, and she seems to have noticed that Sean gives roses to the women who are "having trouble" (i.e. "are total headcases") and she wants some reassurance about what he's looking for. She'd be better off admitting that she's a crack-addicted prostitute (with a heart of gold, naturally). Sean susses out that she really wants to know why he kept Tierra around -- and she is, admittedly, being maddeningly vague -- and as usual when his decisions are in any way questioned, he tenses up, and he tells us his conversation with Desiree left him with doubts. I can't blame him! What if they get married and she's always asking questions about what he's doing, right?

By Daniel

And now we're going to spend time on the "Tierra is crazy" plotline. That does seem to be the consensus of the remaining women. In fairness to Tierra, they do seem to be discussing how tough it is to see such a sweetheart like Jackie go home RIGHT IN FRONT OF TIERRA, which seems a little shitty, although who knows with this show. They keep using the same shot of Tierra looking pissed, so the seams are really starting to show on this travesty. Tierra goes off to sulk and say things like, "I honestly wish I was a fighter. I honestly do, because I would beat the shit out of these bitches" and you're like, "Oh, right. She's evil. I guess I get it, then."

Tierra goes off to sit by herself -- playing the "damsel in distress" routine, according to Robyn, who decides to tell her off. "I'm so sick of her. I will make this the Bad Girls Club," she tells us. Lesley comes along for backup, instead of everybody just leaving it alone.

Tierra fights back when they confront her, and you know what -- it's not like she's wrong when she says she's tired of them all talking about her (because they are doing that). She feebly tries to pretend that she's only nice when the cameras are rolling because of anxiety or some other bullshit. And she also says that if she wanted to be engaged, she could easily get engaged. Well, that would seem to go against the point of this show. "There are plenty of fucking guys in the world," she says.

Lesley and Catherine, who also showed up, turn tail and report back to the other women (yeah, maybe you guys should all leave this alone), leaving Robyn alone to listen to Tierra's rant about how her stinger comes out when she's angry.

This last bit comes out just as Sean goes walking by. He hears it, and wants to know if maybe Tierra is different when he's not around. He pulls her aside to find out what's going on, and she is of course sweetness and light and says she's a really nice girl and the other women keep attacking her.

By Daniel

Sean needs a little more than just what Tierra has to say, so he asks Lesley, who cautiously says Tierra is much colder to the other women when he's not around.

Anyway, Harrison comes in to take Sean away for decision-making time, Sean whining about how tough tonight has been on him -- maybe the most self-centered Bachelor ever? -- and he mopes off to decide to eliminate a contestant or two who is not Tierra. The other women do have some hope that rose or not, Sean may have gotten a glimpse at Tierrable's true personality. And hey, since Sean's not exactly a stickler for so-called "rules," who's to say he won't send her home anyway?

Oh, and now Sean's sitting down with Chris Harrison, so just hang on and let me get my remote control because this is always death. Sean does seem to be having doubts about Tierra. Hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Rose ceremony! Harrison appears to blame the women for the fact that the happy-go-lucky Sean who Chris Harrison fell in love with has been gone recently. Out comes Sean -- who isn't wearing a Bauhaus T-shirt or anything, but he feels he's leaving this week with more questions.

Anyway, enough with the doom and gloom. Let's hand out roses! Selma, Catherine, Lesley. Long, long, long pause, and then AshLee, followed by Sarah, now there's just one left. It goes to Desiree -- pardon me, "Des" -- eliminating Robyn. Sean walks her outside. "Be scared," Selma whispers.

Sean walks Robyn out to the waiting limo, and sees her off with a curt "Best of luck, OK?" which genuinely made me laugh. Such warmth! Robyn can't believe he sent her home in favor of Tierra. Well, actually, he chose everyone else over you, Robyn, but no need to split hairs. Besides, I see you're crying now, so I'm just going to look away and not feel so awkward.

Sean tells us he's now questioning everything, and you can tell he's really bummed because he doesn't toast the remaining women and explain what they're doing . Well, as long as everyone's miserable, I guess I'm OK with it.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Hey, Sean, we're trying to have a society here. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.

Bachelor TV Show - Do Not Pass Goat - Bachelor Photos &amp; Videos, Bachelor Reviews &amp; Bachelor Recaps | TWoP

Bachelor TV Show - Do Not Pass Goat - Bachelor Photos & Videos, Bachelor Reviews & Bachelor Recaps | TWoP