By Daniel
So we've reached the point in the season where even my DVR is going, "No, seriously, dude, I can't even deal" and is actively refusing to record The Bachelor. I mean sure, it does the thing where since the "The Women Tell All" episode is titled slightly differently that it doesn't automatically record as part of the series recording I have set up, but when I specifically tell it to record tonight's episode specially, it still refuses to do even that. And while normally I would applaud its consideration for my mental well-being, I do have a job to do. And tonight, that job is to watch The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.
Yes, it's the season tradition where the spurned women come back on the show and try to convince everyone that they're not the idiot/drunk/basketcase they appeared to be on the show, and then watch "highlights," which isn't the right word but whatever, of themselves while we watch an inset of them watching themselves as they laugh/weep/gape in horror. And the audience seems to be filled mostly with people who take this shit utterly seriously, the kind of person who I don't believe I've ever had a conversation with and therefore I am not convinced they actually exist, like leprechauns or Icelanders.
Chris Harrison gets a welcome like some kind of goddamn astronaut would, and he leads off with, "Yeah, so why HAS Ben kept that wench Courtney around for so long?" and asks if Courtney is really in love with Ben or if she's just there to win and I think the "she's just there to win" line is one of the dumbest theories in the history of everything, since the "prize" in this case is a marriage proposal from a Neanderthal.
And then he says that in what is "probably" a first for this show, one of the final two will be here. Nice "probably" there, because not even this show gives enough of a shit itself to find out if it's happened before. Anyway, Courtney will be here "to defend herself," Harrison says, and the audience reacts like Oprah just gave them all cars. Then they start dipping their torches in gasoline to get them ready.
But first we watch a bunch of people who were once on this show -- all of whose existences I'd managed to block out until just right now -- and they are dancing and drinking and making out with each other at the Mirage in Vegas. They keep clutching at fame and will not give it up until it's pried from their cold, dead hands. The phrase Bachelor Pad 3 is used, which is as ominous as "Yes, this is your doctor calling. The test results are in -- you'd better come in to the office."
By Daniel
We check in with Ed and Jillian, and Frank and Alli, as if ANYONE CARES, even less than the lack of actual caring anybody actually did when these people were actually SUPPOSED to be on the show, and I guess this guy Frank dumped his girlfriend for Alli, and then he broke up with Alli to ask his old girlfriend to take him back, which she did, and now they are broken up, or something? Anyway, the Mirage is now closed for the year after a mysterious gonorrhea outbreak.
Now Chris Harrison tells us this season has had "more than its share of controversy" which is pretty damn far from being the truth. Then he introduces all the rejects, and as usual I assume that the show plays a little game by throwing a couple of new women up there just to see if we notice. Also as usual, it seems like the most recently a woman has been dumped, the less they're over their Stockholm syndrome. Then we get the montage of women's first impressions of Ben (mystifyingly universally excited), then the "the other women think Blakely is a stripper/hooker/no-like-literally-a-hooker montage, then the montage of Jamie swallowing Ben's face, and then Courtney lying in wait by Ben's hotel room and skinny dipping (Emily actually recoils in horror).
Then Harrison asks Blakely about how she "kicked it up a notch on night one." Blakely gives the standard "I wasn't concerned about other women" speech, and now Rachel is talking about mean Blakely was to her, and then Samantha starts chattering away about how she's friends with everybody, and wants to know why Blakely couldn't be friends with everybody, and Blakely says she's a lot more mature than her. It sounds like a shitty thing to say (especially when Blakely alludes to not wasting time on small-minded people), but seems to be accurate given the way she and Samantha are handling things. And now there's Brittney, who I don't believe was on the show before, even with this preposterous story about how she left on her own. And now Samantha is nattering away again, and she sounds like a chipmunk. Brittney's happy because her friend Lindzi has made it to the final two. And Samantha is still calling bullshit on the whole thing, and her voice ratchets up so high that all the dogs in my neighborhood just started barking. And then Brittney calls her a Chihuahua that won't stop talking, and the audience cheers as Brittney tells her to shut up. Can't say I actually blame them.
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By Daniel
And now we are reminiscing about Shawntel's return and all the women giggle when they recall that some of the names they called Shawntel were so vile that they can't be played on television, even on this show. Shawntel comes in, so then we watch a montage of her total cul-de-sac of an appearance on this season. Honestly, Shawntel was like when a show advertises an episode by announcing they're going to be killing off a character, and then they kill off a character introduced just the episode. Anyway, Shawntel really looks less than impressed when she watches the other women talk about her enormous thighs and how much uglier she is in television. God, this must be Rush Limbaugh's favorite show.
No one appears too proud of herself as Shawntel talks about how awful it was to hear comments about her being a bitch, which is one thing, but also comments about her body, which is quite another. And now Elyse is talking about how blindsided she was when Shawntel showed up, and referring to how her "stupid, famous" quote "Who is she?" came out. Well, she's one for two in the categories of adjectives that apply to her quote. And now Emily and Jaclyn are explaining that the reason everyone hated her was because she didn't properly genuflect to the other women when she showed up. You can understand why the women would be upset, because how could they possibly expect ONE MORE WOMAN competing for Ben's attention? Erika tries to pretend her remark about Shawntel's huge thighs was because she herself has huge thighs, like NICE TRY ERIKA. And then Emily tells Shawntel she's gorgeous, no matter what anyone says, and Shawntel says she doesn't regret coming back. Yeah, no, it was a great idea, Shawntel. Worked out for everyone.
And now Chris Harrison is trying to tell us that it seemed like a PhD candidate was the perfect match for Ben, which is BEYOND preposterous, and then he brings up Emily's rapping and people applaud. Then we watch the Emily montage, including her climbing up the bridge, and making out with Ben while fireworks go off, and then her feuding with Courtney, and then her making the ill-advised decision to warn Ben off Courtney not once but twice (including his slightly creepy warning to "tread lightly"), and then her exit (which really ought to be known as "victory" when it comes to The Bachelor, like it's reverse-Survivor).
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By Daniel
She tells Harrison that once she talked about Courtney to Ben, there was a negative element to their relationship that closed him off to her. She draws a lot of applause when she says she wouldn't want to be with someone who's falling for Courtney's bullshit. She's also not impressed with Ben's taking off his clothes while he was still dating like ten other women at the time (I guess everything's relative on this show, right?) and Blakely can't resist pointing out that Courtney took her clothes off on television yet called her a stripper. Yay for Emily! She says Ben has made his bed and he can lie in it.
up, Nicki, who is called the "beautiful divorcée from Texas" like who even uses the word "divorcée" anymore? Nicki montage! It's hard not to like Nicki. She seems sincere and sweet and sparkly, all the more reason why you feel terrible for her pinning her hopes "for a second chance on love" on a schlub like Ben.
Once that's over with, she cops to being in love with Ben, and talks about all the cop-out language you use at first, like "en route to being on the way to falling in love" and now Harrison is asking if it was exciting to be able to say she was in love with him, like NO, HARRISON, PEOPLE HATE BEING IN LOVE, and blah blah blah, she's happy now, living in Dallas, and Harrison alludes to men in Texas probably wanting to bone her, which is the only thing that signifies a woman's worth on this show, so I guess that's a compliment.
Who's ? Oh god, Kacie B., with the primal scream limo ride. She sits down with Harrison, who talks about how everyone watching fell in love with her. Yeah, I liked Kacie too. Fortunately, her desperation in Switzerland cured me of all that. We watch the montage, and some dingus in the audience wipes away a tear. And now Kacie is talking about how she came into this being ready to love or whatever, and she was open to it, and she did fall in love. Yeah, everyone on this show always somehow manages to "fall in love" with the main attraction. Funny how that happens!
And then they talk about her coming to Switzerland and how she wanted to know why he dumped her and to warn him that he was maybe going to be making a wrong decision, and Harrison asks if part of her hoped he'd see the error of his ways and take her back. The answer to all of those issues, as always, is "Ben is an idiot." Harrison asks if she's open to love again -- valid question, given how much damage this show can do to people. And then the audience is applauding Kacie's hope that she'll someday find the man of her dreams.
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By Daniel
Probably for her own safety, the show doesn't even bring Courtney out before they play her montage of evil. Of course, we don't get to watch her reaction to what the other women say about her. We get to watch the others watch, most of whom seem to be pretty cool with the things they said, ending with Kacie wanting to squash her like a spider.
After the montage, there is much discussion of her two-facedness. Blakely says the difference between her and Courtney is that Courtney isn't real, and now Casey is talking about how sweet Courtney is, and she seems to think it's unfair that the other women don't like her just because she was rude and mean and awful to all of them all the time. Emily says she apologized because of how nice Courtney was to her during the group date -- and then Courtney threw it in her face. Nicki is suspicious of Courtney's about-face when she was worried about losing Ben. And then Emily: "Does Courtney know love? Does she have a heart?" Safe to say it's still up for debate with the women. And now Harrison says that it seems unfair to talk about Courtney without her being there to defend herself, and she is here, and some of the audience reacts like we hadn't already heard this.
And then here's Courtney! There is applause, and then there is silence. Harrison says she seems scared to death. She says she is. She's terrified, she says. You know how on The Simpsons they do that awkward silence in a room full of people and you just hear one person cough? That happens FOR REAL. "The women are understandably pissed," says Harrison. He asks if they were unfair. "I think they were fair, to be honest with you," she says. She says she regrets things she said and did. It doesn't appear, from the half-lidded eyes and shaking heads, that none of the women agree with her. Blakely wants to know what she ever did to deserve Courtney call her a stripper and the kind of woman a boyfriend cheats on.
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By Daniel
And now Elyse and Jaclyn are taking turns. Blakely brings up Emily's apology, and Harrison asks Courtney why she threw it back at her. Courtney doesn't answer -- she just says she shouldn't have. Nicki wants to know why she apologized in Switzerland, when it was finally down to just a few women left. Harrison asks if anyone believes her, or if she's just there to repair her image. Jennifer is in the "image!" camp. Seems like everyone is. Kacie talks about the "constant little jabs," and says she gets Courtney regrets it now, but why did she think it was OK at the time. Courtney talks about how uncomfortable she was, and it gets pointed out that they were all in the same boat. Casey S. tries the "Hey, we ALL said mean things to each other!" and is shouted down, especially by Emily, who wants to know how it is that they're all friends, EXCEPT for Courtney. Emily then lays into Courtney as well, and Courtney responds by shaking her head sadly, looking up at the ceiling, and doing her best to imagine what sadness feels like, so her eyes will well up with tears. "What does it feel like when a pet dies? Would THAT make me cry?"
After a commercial break, Harrison is all, "What's up with all the women questioning your sincerity?" and she says, "Maybe if they got to know me better!" and she says "Sorry" again, and then Harrison asks how her family is handling it, because "the press has been relentless." Courtney says it's affected her family negatively, and it's the hardest thing she's ever been through.
Jenna the drunk love blogger sticks up for Courtney, because she thinks it will help her, but none of the other women are having it. Blakely tries talking to Courtney some more and Courtney then eventually starts crying. For what it's worth, it seems like the kind of crying someone does when they're in trouble, not when they're sorry. And it kinda looks like she's doing her best to shed a tear for the cameras. Priceless skeptical look on Emily's face right now. Courtney wails a bunch of nonsense about how she didn't think things through, like it takes some kind of human-relationship-savant to know that being civil to people is generally the way society works best. Anyway, Courtney heads outside to an awaiting limo, just as the rejected women -- as well as a few women in the audience -- start taking out their earrings in preparation.
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By Daniel
"Well, ladies, it's time for the man you've all been waiting to see," says Harrison, but there must be some confusion because it's Ben Flajnknsinkf who comes out. "Welcome to my nightmare," says the tone-deaf Ben after he sits down.
Let's get right to the questions! Jennifer wants to know why he chose Blakely over her, and she expects Blakely to not take offense when she says can't believe Ben was considering taking Blakely home to meet his family. Ben says some stuff about how he just considered every relationship individually as best he could. And now Emily is talking about closure and I kind of zoned out because Emily's much too good a person to have her name associated with this mess. And then Nicki says the most depressing thing I could imagine, which is that Ben is the best man she has ever met in her entire life, which makes me feel really sorry for Nicki, AND FOR ALL THE MORONS IN THE AUDIENCE WILDLY APPLAUDING, and at this point I'd like to point out that Ben deserves a good chunk of the anger they were all directing at Courtney just a moment ago. The worst he gets is that apparently he's a bad breaker-upper, like, IT'S THE BACHELOR, and then Jamie sashays right under the ridiculously low limbo bar of dignity by starting to cry as she tells Ben how fantastic he is and she offers herself up to him if things don't work out with whoever he chooses. Jamie can't watch this show very often if she bothers to put an "if" on the possibility of things not working out with the final couple.
And now bloopers! Ben gets attacked by a bird while he's on a boat with Lindzi! A dog howls in background while Emily talks. "Someone needs to Cesar Milan his ass," she says. And then my DVR cut out completely, which figures. I mean, why should I get to see any of the bits that make the people on this show seem more likeable and, you know, human?
Although I apparently escaped a discussion of what Jenna meant by sharing a tampon with whatshername, so thank god for small mercies.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. The day before the final episode of a Bachelor season, he likes to watch The Great Escape for some reason. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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