By Daniel
We're in Houston, which is AshLee's hometown. She feels like her "journey" with Sean has changed her life "drastically," and I'm not sure "drastically" is usually considered a good thing. She tells us that she didn't know what "real, true love" was until she met Sean, a man who is currently down to just four girlfriends. So it really doesn't take very long this episode before every single thing a contestant says makes us feel sorry for her.
Sean shows up for their date, and we're all supposed to be impressed because AshLee has been "a front-runner from the beginning." He says he wants AshLee's parents to get a good sense of who he is, although I'm not sure that's really a good idea. They have a picnic in a meadow and reminisce about the time that AshLee was terrified of telling Sean that she had been married before.
And it turns out AshLee's parents are both pastors, and Sean's dad is a reverend too, and AshLee had no idea, because that's how well they know each other. And now AshLee is praising Sean for not condemning her for getting married before she even met him. Sean is basically like, "You are right to worship me, because I did the right thing."
After I finish throwing up for five hours, AshLee says "stepped out of my comfort zone" and -- whoops, there goes the tortellini. I think I'm all done now, which is good, because they're now making out, and then AshLee is talking about how crazy this is, and I agree, but in the bad sense, which is different from how she means it. "I don't want something so perfect to be spoiled," she says.
As Sean and his girlfriend-of-the-moment pull up in her parents' driveway, she says her parents' approval is extremely important to her. They are greeted warmly by her family, and her dad could easily have played the wisecracking lieutenant on an '80s cop show. "You're out of line, Lowe!"
They have a picnic with AshLee's dad wanting to know everything she's been up to. It sounds like normal fatherly interest to me, but Sean seems to think its evidence of her father's protectiveness, and his creepy paternalism continues to shine through here. AshLee gives them the rundown, including the polar bear plunge, and she makes it sounds like she had sex with Sean in St. Croix, which is uncomfortable for everyone.
Her mother, Deborah, wants the best for her daughter, but instead of showing Sean the door she sits down to chat with him and ask him tough questions like, "Are you going to break her heart?" And Sean pops a protection boner again.
By Daniel
Then he sits down with her father, and Sean is worried her dad will ask if he loves her, which really would only be a problem if he, you know, doesn't. And her dad does in fact ask that, so Sean trots out his ol' "I'm crazy about her" standby. And then they talk about AshLee getting married before and how sad that was for Bruce. Sean asks a carefully qualified question about whether Bruce would be OK with Sean proposing, assuming he loves AshLee and everything, and Bruce is all, "If so, then yes," essentially.
And then they sit back down at the picnic and Bruce tells a sweet story about when they met AshLee for the first time, and he gets choked up, and it only gets a little weird when he says the man who takes her from him has to fall in love with her like that. I really hope whoever she marries loves her in a very different way than her father does.
And then the couple kisses goodnight, and we're not all supposed to find it incredibly sad that AshLee is literally talking about how there's pixie dust in the air while Sean has spent the entire time hoping he wouldn't be forced to admit he doesn't love her.
Aw, it's Seattle! I was in you not all that long ago! I love that place! It seems a little gross now that the Bachelor is skanking it up at the Pike Place market, where they get on that pig and watch the dudes toss fish and of course each of them gets to do it. Sean acquits himself well, and then it's Catherine's turn. Sean thinks this is the height of irony since she's never even caught a fish. This, for some reason, has him "stoked."
And then they stroll through the market and act spontaneous and goofy and Sean tells us that Catherine brings out the kid in him. He knows her family must be the same, since they helped raise her. I guess he's forgotten how her happy-go-lucky dad tried to kill himself in front of them, but maybe we're not talking about that anymore.
Catherine clues him in on her Mnong family's cultural heritage, which is good, because he seemed baffled just by experiencing Seattle for the first time. Catherine says it would be perfect if Sean fell in love with her and her family today. Yes, that would be good, since you hope to marry him and all. She feels the most vulnerable she has been since this stupid show started.
Sean calls her house "cute" like shut up Sean, and the two of them walk in and Sean is introduced to her mom, grandmother and her sisters, Monica and India. They eat some food, Sean gets a tour, and Catherine's grandmother hits on him. Then he does pushups with Catherine on his back.
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By Daniel
Catherine sits down for a chat with her sisters, and tells them how giddy she is around him. They want to know if she'd say yes if he proposed to her. "If he proposed at the end, I would say, 'Yeah, I wanna try this out,'" says Catherine, which I hate to tell her doesn't sound like the foundation for a loving marriage but a discussion you might have about subscribing to Netflix. And her sisters are skeptical because -- as ALWAYS turns out to be the case -- rather than actually signing up for love and marriage in general and a specific Bachelor in particular -- she apparently signed up because she thought it would be fun. And now Catherine is pissed that she has to defend her non-existent only-on-television relationship to her levelheaded sisters. And also I love how The Bachelor has been so spectacularly unsuccessful in producing marriages that the sisters think it's crazy that Catherine went on the show and now is almost ready to marry someone.
Sean then gets to chat with them, and he asks if Catherine is ready to settle down, and they don't say "no" but they mean "no." And Sean seems very curious to hear about how messy she is. That would be a concern, since he's probably expecting that a wife comes with maid service. By the time they start talking about handling Catherine's moods, it starts to feel like they're actively trying to sabotage the relationship (but since it really would be in Catherine's best interests to not date him anymore, I'm good with that).
It's time to talk to Catherine's mom, and she is refreshingly pragmatic about this, given that she knows he's still dating three other women. "Catherine's family is very skeptical," he tells us. Basically, he sounds pissed that they didn't gush all over the guy who is auditioning three other women other than Catherine.
Time to meet Lindsay's family, in Fort Leonard Wood. Lindsay's an army brat. Sean says Lindsay has everything he's looking for in a wife, but doesn't say what that is. Apparently a shot of Lindsay looking pretty and not saying anything tells us everything we need to know about what Sean wants in a woman.
They go walking around the town, Sean telling us that Lindsay brings out the kid in him. Just like Catherine does! "She has the biggest heart, she's so loving, so caring." Also, she's ready to get married and ready to start a family. You can't tell me he doesn't have the remaining women ranked on how many babies he thinks their hips can handle.
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By Daniel
So they sit down to chat about Sean's supposed to refer to her father, who is a two-star general. I'm not clear on how the American military operates. Is he allowed to kill so many people in a given year as he sees fit? Because that would work out nicely tonight.
"Call him Mark," says Lindsay, who asks if he's sincerely worried. Sean says it's intimidating. "Do you think he'll ask me any hard questions?" Sean asks. To him, though, a hard question is, "Do you love my daughter?" Also, "Will you soon be asking other women to stay with you overnight in a hotel room?" Hard questions!
Then there's an annoying segment where Lindsay puts Sean in army clothes and pretends to be a drill sergeant that was supposed to be funny but I think it really just had everyone sighing and checking their watches.
We watch some army training going on too, and Sean is intimidated all over again, because he hopes Lindsay's dad looks at the lightweight pretty-boy drifter that is Sean Lowe and sees a man. We're all rooting for you, Sean. As we watch Sean and Lindsay arrive at her parents' house, Lindsay tells us if her father doesn't like Sean, then that would probably be a dealbreaker. So far we're zero for three in terms of whether anyone actually gives a shit about the mother's opinion.
Sean sits down with Lindsay's mother Lisa, and brings out the "I'm crazy about her" line but that's not quite enough, since Lisa asks if he's falling in love with her. "I'm not in a position to say that right now," says Sean, because he is a douche with a tin ear, but Lisa seems impressed with his honesty. You want some honesty, how about Sean saying Lisa would be a great mother-in-law because she'd help out with the grandkids!
And now it's time to get the approval for Gen. Lindsay's Dad, who wants Sean to put himself in his shoes and not wanting to see his daughter get hurt. Sean says he doesn't want to hurt her because she's so sweet. Well, that's a relief! Sean hems and haws about how he sees potential, and weasels out a question about how if they get to that stage, if he'll have the general's blessing. General Mark makes him spit out if he's asking for the blessing right now. Sean says he is. "I don't think I've ever been asked a tougher question in my life. I don't know that I've got an answer," says the general, and then he talks about being a paratrooper and managing risk and eventually gives his blessing, but I have to assume that he knows if things don't work out, it would be really easy for him to have Sean literally killed. Sean has an army boner anyway and says the opportunity to be part of Lindsay's family makes Lindsay more attractive to him, which is kinda gross.
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By Daniel
And now the event we've all been waiting for: Desiree's family hates him and there may be fisticuffs! It's Desiree in her hometown of L.A., and I can only hope that at some point Sean looks around, smiles wryly, and says, sardonically, "California." They are wearing workout clothes because California, I guess.
Sean says he and Desiree have had a connection since day one, and he can see spending forever with her. They're going for a hike, and Desiree says she just wanted to feel like a real couple. Sean is thrilled by the hike, because he's an outdoorsy guy or whatever.
Once they're done hiking and making out, it's over to Desiree's house. She did all the artwork hanging up, and they get dinner ready for her family. Sean tells us he's excited for her family to come over, because "I want to meet these people." That's a totally natural, non-setup thing to say.
And then an ex-boyfriend shows up. What an amazing coincidence that there are cameras here! The ex-boyfriend calls Sean an "actor," which should be a major tipoff because when would you ever call someone an "actor" in a fight, but at least Sean's a better actor than this guy, who gives a token "can you turn that off" to the camera guy. He's babbling about how he's been texting Desiree, and he loves her. Sean, standing there with a clenched fist, warns buddy not to put his hand on him (which, for all he said about protecting his woman, he didn't say when this guy put his hands on Desiree). And then we go to commercial with Desiree saying that now this guy is here, there is something she needs to tell Sean. "Sean looks so mad right now, he looks like he's going to punch this guy."
And then of course Desiree reveals that this was all a practical joke, and I think it's too bad that with all the actors in L.A. that this guy Nick was the best they can do. It was painfully obvious from the start that it was going to turn out to be a prank, so I don't know why they bothered to keep it in the episode, but I guess those two hours aren't going to fill themselves.
Anyway, the family eventually arrives: mom Roxanne, dad Tony and brother Nate. They share a good laugh over shenanigans thus far. Roxanne tells us about the glow Desiree has. She sits down with Desiree to talk about how good-looking Sean is. "My mom's so cute, I love her so much," says Desiree. That is literally all of the conversation we get to see. We also don't really see any of Sean's conversation with Tony, but that's because we have to have time for the heavily teased confrontation with Nate, who has been skeptical from the beginning, we're told.
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By Daniel
Sure enough, Nate, who seems to take his styling and behavior cues from Entourage and Axe commercials, tells Desiree that he thinks she's ready, but he doesn't want it to be with "the wrong dude." He apparently thinks Sean is "the wrong dude."
Nate asks Sean if he "can holla at you real fast." Desiree tells her parents he doesn't want Nate to scare Sean away, but without having seen the teased scenes, I'd be more likely to assume he just wanted to see if he could hook Sean up with some coke.
Outside, Nate tells Sean that it's clear Desiree's really into him, but he doesn't see any reciprocation. "What leads you to say that?" asks Sean, which, you know, isn't actually a refutation. "I'm crazy about your sister," he says. "You're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" says Nate, which is hilarious, since Sean says that to literally every woman and her family.
Sean is comically awkward about how great he and Desiree get along -- like Romney-level stiff as he talks about how affectionate they are with each other -- and asks if that puts Nate's mind at ease. It doesn't: "I think you're just a playboy. You're just having fun with the circumstances," says Nate. Sean is a lot angrier about it in interviews, but that's because he wanted to tell Nate off but didn't want to cause a scene here on a hometown date, which I suppose is fair. (The other reason is, of course, that Nate is a hundred percent correct.) Desiree, being some kind of professional empath, can tell something was up when her brother -- who already told her this is "the wrong dude" -- comes back in after talking to said wrong dude.
Lotta tension -- not defused by Desiree's parents making small talk about the weather. It's time to go, and Sean says he doesn't want Nate to affect his lack of feelings for Desiree. I mean feelings! His feelings for her! Sean and Desiree share a strained goodbye, and Desiree tells us she's really disappointed.
Inside, she asks Nate what he said, and Nate tells her about calling Sean a playboy. Desiree hotly says that's not what this is about at all. Her parents also think Nate is wrong, and it's really funny how not-seriously Nate takes this (which is, let's not forget, the only rational way to take it). "I can't believe you guys are drilling me right now," he says. "Because that's not what he's about at all!" Desiree tells him again. Defending your boyfriend against allegations of playboy-ism are admittedly difficult when he has been discussing love and marriage with three other women and their families ahead of you.
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By Daniel
Sean, getting ready for the cocktail party, whines about what an emotional roller-coaster the week was, and how he can see a future with Lindsay and with AshLee, but he's got question marks about Catherine and Desiree (because he doesn't want to marry into a family who didn't immediately treat him like the sun shines out of his ass.
So he sits down with Chris Harrison to talk about his favorite thing -- "clarity," and lack thereof -- and then Harrison horrifyingly asks if all four women are "literally on the chopping block," and I can forgive the idiot contestants on this show for that kind of thing, but Chris Harrison gets paid to say words at people. Unless this show is taking a really dark turn? In general, I'm against killing people, but this show has me open to different viewpoints. And then Sean is talking about how he's going to go deep undercover in Beverly Hills to solve the murder of his best friend, or perhaps I just turned on Beverly Hills Cop to pass the time until they're done with this filler.
Anyway, Sean tells Chris that he's trying to decide between Catherine and Desiree for elimination, and then we have to pad out EVEN MORE TIME by having Sean doing more reflecting after Harrison leaves, and then it's time to start the rose ceremony, but there's still like twenty minutes left in the show, which is kind of like when you're watching Law & Order and the jury's coming back with a verdict and there's still like fifteen minutes left. So we know something's going to happen, and it turns out it's Desiree -- when Sean picks up the first rose -- asking to talk to Sean outside for a moment.
They sit down on a bench, and she's practically in tears and says she wants to apologize for last night. He says she doesn't have to, and he's right, but mainly because I'm not sure why anyone has to apologize for saying, "You don't seem as into my sister as she's into you," since it's true. They go back into the rose ceremony, and now Catherine is "scared as hell" about what's going to happen.
The first roses go to AshLee and Lindsay, naturally. Sean picks up the last rose, waits for a few minutes, and then puts it down, before turning and walking out all moody to go and stare at the pictures of the women in the elimination room. Chris Harrison is summoned to be all, "What's up, man?" and Sean is talking about "clarity" again, and Harrison's hilarious advice to him is to "Get this right." Oh, and take your time, because there's no reason why this show shouldn't spend TWENTY MINUTES ON A ROSE CEREMONY.
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By Daniel
We come back from commercial and Sean has to RECAP WHAT JUST HAPPENED, like he actually tells us that he gave out two roses and has to give out the final one, like WE REMEMBER, SEAN.
Eventually he comes back into the rose ceremony, and all the women are still there, which I guess means they are all fine with having a drama queen for a husband. And then he gives Catherine the rose, because her family gave him less shit than Desiree's family. Off to the (literal) chopping-block for Desiree!
He takes her outside and they sit down again. Sean says he's been battling this all day long and may wake up tomorrow thinking he made a horrible mistake, what with her having all the qualities he wants in a wife. "I've been praying for clarity this entire time," he says. Is it possible for him to NOT use the word "clarity" in a conversation? (Or, come to that, "praying"?) Eventually she manages to temporarily stop blubbering, which is his cue to walk her to the limousine. They hug, and he dickishly says he's going to miss her so much, which is a fucking evil thing to say to someone you're dumping. "It's not right. It's not," she says, before the spinectomy is complete and she says, "As long as you're happy" and he says AGAIN that he's going to miss her a lot.
She cries in the limousine, wondering what she's going to do with her life now. Sean, for what it's worth, is doing the "I'd better show how emotionally drained I am" by staring moodily at the ground for as long as the producers need to cut in with the Dumped Desiree clips.
And there seems to be a "Sean Tells All" special on tomorrow night, which is weird because I don't see how Sean can possibly tell all, what with there still being three contestants, and also think we all hate Sean enough already that we don't need sixty minutes of Sean whining about how hard it is to be the Bachelor.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He thinks Nate did the Lord's work tonight. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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