It's the show that never ends. It just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can't watching because it's the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can't watching because it's the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can't watching because it's the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started watching, not knowing what it was and now they can't watching because it's the show that never ends it just goes on and on, my friends ...Yes, it's the season finale of Bachelor Pad. Can I get a HELL YEAH?
Elizabeth, Kovacs, Dave, Natalie, Kiptyn, and Tenley are all shocked, stunned, and seemingly brain damaged over the fact that they have made it. They are the final six contenders. While on most shows "Final Six" isn't usually anywhere near the end of the competition, luckily ABC has better and far more successful shows to get on the airways. So they are going to take this show back behind the barn and shoot it in the head. Yes, tonight's the last episode! The big banana! The last hurrah! The final chance to catch an STD through your TV. Aren't you giddily happy? Do you need new underwear? Before any of the Final Six can get too happy, they are all shot with synchronized tranquilizer guns and knocked out for the night. The morning Chris Harrison wanders into the kitchen where everyone is groggily mating and making coffee. He announces that today's competition is the Most Important. Whoever wins guarantees themselves a spot in the championship.
Also, we will be having a cross promotion with another more successful ABC show, namely Dancing with the Stars. The couples are all overjoyed at the chance to show they have the dancing skills to match a a merengue dancing dog, the comedic self awareness of Cloris Leachman or at least, the bland white bread don't-embarrass-yourself-Pavelka of Bachelor Jake. Well, everyone except Kiptyn who has a case of the stage frights because Tenley was a semi-professional tap, jazz, and ballet student at the All That Jazz Dance Studio in the strip mall to the Sizzler. He is just SO worried that he will fail her on the dance floor much as he has undoubtedly shamed her and his family in the bedroom. What? There is no way a guy named KIPTYN is good in bed. It's impossible.
The couples are whisked across town in limousines to the dance studios where Chelsie Hightower, Edyta Sliwinska, and Louis Van Amstel are locked up during the day. As soon as they enter the room the professional dancers beg them for food and water or at least tribute. The contestants shrug and then we cut to them dancing. The editors cut out all the begging and crying and "please cut my shackles" because it was just demoralizing. Dave is proving that he is manly enough to embrace both his feminine side and his male dance instructor. He swings Louis Van Amstel around like a little baby rag doll while stating over and over again that he is willing to do anything to win. Even if that means twirling around the stage in Louis's arms in the hopes of winning $250,000. Basically, Dave is saying he is gay for pay, which we all know doesn't count. Someone should just save him the effort and make him a #no homo t-shirt to wear during the scene. Natalie and Dave seem to be doing a good job because out on the dance floor they can finally be free to let their cornball horn dog cheesy freak flags fly. Watch out or you'll get some in your eye!
Meanwhile, Elizabeth has gone Crazy Eyed and is struggling with the fact that HER MAN, one Jesse Kovacs, is dancing the forbidden dance with another woman RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. She's gonna have to cut a bitch. Kovacs tries to come up with a good excuse for his philandering and then remembers that, oh yeah, he's in the middle of a competition and has to learn how to dance. Although, in Elizabeth's defense, Edyta does not appear to be wearing prophylactic dance pants and is straddling Kovacs. In Kovacs' defense, Elizabeth has a wonky boob job, a bad personality, and brassy highlights. Meanwhile, Kiptyn is disappointing Magic Feet Tenley over and over again. She refuses to cry and instead shoots him encouraging smiles and concerned Bambi eyes and stands by her man.
Soon it is evening and as the sun falls, the lights go up on the stage set up in the backyard of the Herpes Hacienda. But before there can be a competition, there must be judges. I'll give you three guesses at to who the judges will be. Need a hint? None of them is gainfully employed. The first judge is none other than....Melissa Rycroft! Yes, yes, the one time contender on The Bachelor was also a one time contender on Dancing with the Stars. Chris Harrison makes sure we all know that she came in third and is, thus, HIGHLY QUALIFIED. If you are thinking there's a pattern, you are right. The judge is none other than Tenley's fake ex-boyfriend, Jake Pavelka! Harrison claims Jake was a "fan favorite" on DWTS, but that is highly unlikely as he has the personality of a very angry pancake. Tenley looks like she is either going to barf or go stabby stabby on Jake's chiseled jaw, but instead ends up clinging to Kiptyn like he's a prized halibut. So who is the final judge? Hop in the way back machine, because it is none other than Bachelorette Trista Sutter! Ooh I guess they don't have hair dye in Colorado. Trista zips up in a pneumatic tube out of the vault where they have been storing her for just this occasion and takes her seat just in time to watch Tenley and Kiptyn dance the White Man's Foxtrot. They do a fine job and we get an interesting peek into Tenley's real personality when through clenched teeth she reminds Kiptyn to smile. Twice. Then they fall over at the end of the dance and everyone laughs and the judges are charmed. Melissa gives them an 8, Jake a 9 (Tenley blows him a kiss) and Trista gives them a 9. They have set the bar high.
Kovacs and Elizabeth are dancing the Rumba. Elizabeth is wearing a matador inspired embroidered bikini with a scarf, an ensemble I assume she brought with her in case she needed to enrage a bull at some point during the competition. Unfortunately it doesn't enrage Kovacs and they deliver an incredibly gawky and lackluster performance. The judges are strangely complimentary considering it was The Dance of Awkward. But even with the kindness of the judges they clearly couldn't compete with Kiptyn and Tenley. Chris Harrison trots out with a blazing hot iron and brands them LOSERS. They hunker in the corner hoping Natalie and Dave look worse than they do. Natalie may look worse in her all-fringe ensemble and Dave, who eerily has no chest hair to show off in his very, very low-cut V-neck satin thing, but they have far superior dance skills. It's all in the hands of the judges now. Melissa gives them a 9, Jakes gives them an 8, and then everyone turns to stare at Trista. She gives them an 8 meaning: Tenley and Kiptyn win! In glee, Tenley does the whitest cabbage patch dance ever. Kiptyn probably paid off Trista. I mean, things must be pretty dire back in Colorado for Trista to come out of Bachelor retirement. Chris Harrison reminds Tenley and Kiptyn that they get to pick the couple who will join them in the finals. Tenley is too busy pretending she is The Happiest Girl on Earth to show Bachelor Jake what he lost. Oh Tenley, after ten minutes with Vienna Girardi, Jake knew he should have chosen you. Later, everyone has the sulks except for Tenley and Kiptyn who are sitting in a bathtub with their bathing suits on. Yes kids, that's how grown ups bathe.
That night Tenley and Kiptyn must make their Big Decision. Natalie makes her plea for the money. In short, if she and Dave get the money they could move to the same city and bathe in THEIR swimsuits whenever they want. Elizabeth and Kovacs make their own pitch: They have never won a competition. Yep, that's their big selling point. They suck. Tenley and Kiptyn have the sads because no matter who they choose they are sending home a friend who will never forgive them and will send flaming bags of dog poo and rancid Edible Arrangements for the rest of their lives and then to their funerals too. Finally it is time for Tenley and Kiptyn to choose their competition. Tenley is crying too hard to talk, so Kiptyn plays toastmaster. He wants to thank everyone for making such a great competition even though, in reality, there was no competition at all. Kiptyn announces that they would like to extend an offer to Natalie and Dave. Also, a timeshare, but they can talk about that later.
Elizabeth turns on the waterworks and Kovacs comforts her. Harrison invites them to say their goodbyes. They fake hug their fake friends and then are sent off in separate limos. Keeping up appearances and all. Elizabeth claims she chose love over money although she would have loved the money to fix her bad boob job. In the other limo, Kovacs marvels that he was looking for money and found like instead. Isn't reality funny? Back inside the mansion, Chris Harrison announces that they are all being evicted from the mansion because they are bug bombing the place. time the couples meet will be in front of a live studio audience. I was hoping for a dead one, because this show can only be improved by the addition of zombies.
The tone changes dramatically as we join Chris Harrison, Melissa Rycroft and her soon to be Spawn on the set of the live reunion show. There is a lot of screaming, shrieking, waving, and smiling as we are reminded that Craig M. (a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott), The Weatherman, Juan, Nikki, Krisily, Michelle, Peculiar Jesse, Girl Jessie, Jesse Kovacs, Peyton, Gia, Wes, and Vampire Queen Gwen all still exist. The crowd dutifully claps, but no one really gives a crap. To kill time Chris Harrison asks a newly-brunette Elizabeth if she and Kovacs are still dating. They are not. Elizabeth tells the crowd that Kovacs is single and if anyone wants to date a player, he is available. Aw snap! Except, duh. Then Elizabeth and Kovacs argue in public and it's all kinds of awkward and Harrison lets it linger for far too long because there is some time to kill up in here. He finally changes the subject and asks Gia whether SHE still has a boyfriend. She does not and the camera zooms in on Wes's face. Harrison harasses them about their on-camera chemistry and sexual harasses them until they cave and kiss and Gia looks extremely uncomfortable.
Harrison brings it all back to business. There are two couples left and they need to prove their love to their friends and their enemies if they want to win. I kind of think someone is going to be going to third on national television, because nothing would prove their love like that, right? Tenley and Kiptyn burst onto the stage in a shower of confetti and applause. They giggle and snuggle and snog and Tenley plants a flag on Kiptyn's head and declares him her boyfriend. Natalie and Dave calmly walk down the stairs, take their seat and declare that they are making their long distance relationship work. They watched that Drew Barrymore-Justin Long movie, like, twelve times and got some really workable ideas.
Harrison explains that the detritus of the show, which was made up of the detritus of the Bachelor/ette, so is really scraping bottom at this point, will be choosing the winner. Meaning that in no way shape or form is this show actually competitive reality, but just junior high with more STDs. Well, I guess it depends what junior high you went. I went to Lutheran school, so everyday was a herpes-addled love fest. The final round of this ersatz competition is thus lying effectively to a crowd and convincing them that you're not conniving, controlling, or manipulative. First question? Does anyone believe these relationships are real? Short answer? No. Someone points out that Dave was hooking up with Girl Jessie mere minutes before leaving for Las Vegas to hook up with Natalie. Dave and Natalie admit that they are not in the same sort of relationship as Tenley and Kiptyn. But then he gets raked over the coals for being a himbo. Then Krisily starts hollering about something, but whenever Krisily talks I move to my happy place and hear bird songs instead of Krisily whining. Then Gia accuses Kiptyn of treachery and Michelle (who?) reminds the world that Disney princess Tenley spread the rumor that she was *shudder* sleeping with Fake Dean and will Never Forgive Her. Tenley apologizes, sort of. Michelle does NOT accept and the audience boos Michelle's anger, even though if someone accused me of sleeping with Fake Dean I would stab them in the neck and kick them in the babymaker and NEVER apologize.
Chris Harrison gives Natalie and Dave a chance to give the jury of their syphilitic peers their best argument for giving them the money. Natalie tells everyone that she wants to buy them all a puppy and then she wants to start a charity because her dad survived prostate cancer. Everyone ahhhhhhs and then it's Dave's turn. Dave mumbles something about trying to be true to himself and then Vampire Gwen rises up and points at him, "J'accuse!" She overhead him saying that anyone over 30 on a reality show is a loser. Obviously she is well over 30 and would kill him if she weren't contractually obligated not to. Juan seconds Gwen's argument, because he is 37 and is totally planning on being on reality shows for the remainder of his dotage. Dave shrugs that it's a personal choice, but the audience of 31-year olds has clearly turned against him.
Then it is Tenley and Kiptyn's turn. Tenley explains that she is a beautiful sparkly Disney princess who lost her home in the credit crisis and took her parents down with her. Now they are trapped in a bramble and can only be awoken by a prince's kiss or a $125,000 and a fixed rate mortgage. She really wants to pay her parents back. Nary a dry eye in the house after that speech. Kiptyn then makes up some crowd-pleasing shit about donating it all to charity. He's so boring he probably would, too. Then Juan asks Tenley how they hell she got to the top of this particular dung heap and before she can answer, Girl Jessie points out that Tenley won several competitions and almost won the pie eating contest. She ate pie! Caloric intake! On national television! That earns her a place at the top for sure. Don't discount women's work, you dick. Tenley thanks her for the vocal defense.
It is time to vote. Because this show is filmed in 1892, the votes are written on slates. To kill even more time votes are to be read out one at a time. Craig M. a.k.a. Fake Dean votes for Kiptyn and Tenley. He has helpfully footnoted that he fell for Kiptyn's charity bullshit. Jonathan a.k.a. The Weatherman also votes Kiptyn and Tenley. It could be a lock! Then Girl Jessie, Peyton, Peculiar Jesse and someone else (they all blur together) all vote for Dave and Natalie. Juan breaks their streak and Kiptyn and Tenley tie it up when Vampire Queen Gwen vote for them too. Ashley, Nikki, and Angry Michelle vote for Natalie and Dave. Eight votes win the money and Dave and Natalie have seven. It all comes down to Wes. He votes for Dave and Natalie! It was so heartwarming, too, because, you see, he and Dave used to be friends and then they had their big fight over Gia and haven't spoken since because they are girls in junior high. A quarter of a million dollars brings them back into each other's arms.
While you would think or at least really, REALLY hope that this damn show would be over, it is not. In a soul-crushing move, there is still another round of competition. It's like a whole new circle of hell. But even Dante couldn't have imagined an eternal treadmill filled with Bachelor/ette cast offs. Dante would be wearing a hair shirt and beating himself with a mace and begging for mercy. I am a lot tougher than Dante. Harrison announces that Dave and Natalie must spar for the final money. Sadly not in an Old West or even American Gladiator style of sparring. Instead they will simply have to think on camera. They do not look pleased. Harrison explains that they will each be escorted to private deliberation rooms where they will decide whether to keep or share the money. If they both pick share, they each get $125,000. If one picks keep and one picks share, the one who picked keep gets it all. The camera cuts to Fake Dean who looks like his is going to pee his panties at any moment. If they both pick keep then no one gets the money and it will be divided among the cast offs. Everyone 'Whoos!' and Weatherman and Juan run into each others' arms apparently thinking of the new Bosch dishwasher they could install in their love nest.
Suddenly, men in suits appear out of nowhere to escort Dave and Natalie to their deliberation rooms or, in my dreams, to some reality show version of The Hunger Games. Interspersed with shots of Natalie and Dave thinking hard, we get the brilliant suggestions and thoughts of their former housemates. Finally Chris Harrison gets word that they Natalie and Dave have made their final decisions. They shuffle out disappointingly not looking any worse for wear. They sit down on the couch and Dave reveals his answer: SHARE! Natalie stops the proceedings and asks if she can say something. Harrison says no. Which is funny. The audience is hissing in anticipation of seeing Natalie's vote. Harrison stretches the remaining minutes by re-stating the rules. Then he lets Natalie speak. She mumbles something about getting your friends as far as you can and then looking out for yourself. There's more hissing and then Natalie makes her Big Reveal: She's sharing the money, too! My how fittingly anti-climactic! Regardless of the lack of actual drama, Dave freaks out. He jumps over Natalie, runs for Melissa, hugs her to the point of almost popping the uncooked baby out, runs to Chris Harrison and kisses him full on the mouth (er, #nohomo?), high fives Kovacs and then eventually twirls Natalie around. Thus endeth Bachelor Pad . Apparently during the commercials Wes serenaded the audience. So not sorry we missed that. Didn't I suffer enough?
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates needs a cootie shot. Also, a whiskey shot. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.