WHAT?! It's Labor Day, and we're celebrating with a new episode of Bachelor Pad? The show that does nothing but reward the idle class for their sloth and debauchery? I would accept a Dirty Jobs marathon, maybe, but this? UNPATRIOTIC, I say. But since you were all out honoring Unions and marching for mandatory 37-hour-work weeks and three-week vacations, I will do my solemn duty and recap this traitorous, syphilitic pile of unpatriotic bullshit. FOR YOU!
The best thing about tonight's episode is that they are promising that three of the ladies are leaving. THAT is the best news, right? Except for maybe Chris Harrison being swept away by a lovesick giant eagle, taken to her nest and force-fed pre-digested truffles and upchucked champagne for weeks. Just in case you were huffing barbecue propane and mainlining SPF 40 over the long weekend, I'll remind you that last week Wes got sent home after being a dick to everyone and Krisily got sent home due to her wild unpopularity. No real surprise, but they tried to make us pretend there was going to be some drama. But there wasn't. Whee? Anyway, Krisily kicked Dave in the babymaker on her way out to the Loser's Limo, but Dave totally deserved it after swearing she wasn't on the chopping block for elimination (sadly, not beheading), but she totally was. Dave now has guilt, or at least fear that his cohabiting competitors won't totally trust him to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth when it comes to this competition. Also, he's totally out as godfather to Tenley and Kiptyn's inevitable blonde baby.
After a night of fornication and sin and probably Cool Ranch Doritos, bright and early the morning, Chris Harrison barges into the old Bachelor Pad and causes a stir. No, no, not in a flatulent way, rather by announcing that later that day three women are leaving. Probably not in body bags, but a girl can dream, right? Wouldn't it be better if Bachelor Pad was more like Running Man and the contestants were competing for their lives and freedom? Seriously, I would rather be watching Bachelor Pad: THUNDERDOME than this. Obviously, the girls all start puking in an attempt to make themselves thinner and thus more popular (what? they saw it in Vogue) in order to lure unattached men into closets for unknown pleasures. Meanwhile, Kovacs starts puttering around the kitchen punching cabinets just in case Elizabeth gets sent home and he never gets laid again. Eventually, it is time for whatever competition it is that will send three of the ladies home. The Challenge that will determine the fate of the ladies is... Spin the Bottle. Not to get too Women's Studies about it, but this is just offensive. The producers have managed to simultaneously put all the control in the hands of the men, wrest all power over their own fate away from the women while the men judge them based solely on their desirability and willingness to put out.
Also, they manage to make this show's version of Spin the Bottle EVEN STUPIDER than the seventh-grade party-in-the-basement version, because only the guys get to play. Before you start making your completely appropriate no-homo jokes and crushing beer cans on your heads and punching nerds in the nards, each guy gets a turn and gets to choose one lady to molest. And by molest I mean kiss, pass oral herpes to, and then keep on the show to cuddle. Whoever doesn't get herpes, gets sent to a detox center in the waiting limos. In this paradigm, that is considered losing. The girls all shake their heads in disbelief about how incredibly fucking stupid this game is, because ALL THE GUYS HAVE GIRLFRIENDS, or at least dirty, dirty friends with dirty, dirty benefits. This does not bother the producers. They force Kiptyn to walk up and down the line of girls and pretend he might not pick Disney Princess Tenley because Nikki once stupidly did him a favor. He hooked up with Tenley on national television last week and his grandma is watching, so he can't totally slut out and pick someone else. So, he picks Tenley. Whoa, pass the Pepto, I can't stomach the drama! The bottle is spun and it lands on Kovacs who has been dating a girl (Elizabeth) for six months. Yet he, too, must pretend for the cameras that he is struggling with his decision. Even though just last week he was comforting Elizabeth about her square tits and ALMOST said those magic three little words. He chooses Elizabeth. Just fucking kill me. Wild Card Peculiar Jesse B. is up . He paces around the line up trying to decide who to pick. His trouble? Peyton totally blue-balled him in the fantasy suite last episode. Will he choose her? Yes, he will. Finally, Dave, who has been hooking up with Natalie, picks Natalie. So apparently the show IS about pimping...er, matchmaking. Sorry Nikki, Gwen and Ashley, you will now be punished for failing to find love or, at least, copacetic genitalia, inside the four walls of the Bachelor Pad. Off to Thunderdome with you! No love, no money, just a long ride in the Loser's Limo. The girls all tear up because they are LOSERS and now it is quantitatively and qualitatively proven. Math, bitches.
Harrison announces that from now on the contestants are competing as couples. They are mated for life. It's like the Newlywed Game, except that everyone here lives a life of fornication and sin and is definitely NOT married. The teams start trying to strategize, but that's hard, so they just make out. Kovacs and Elizabeth are confident because, having dated for a whopping six months, they know EVERYTHING about each other. Except for the small problem that Elizabeth was apparently pithed at some point and has no short-term or long-term memory. She can't remember where Kovacs went to college, what his brother's name is, or whether they've met before. The only people not making out are, of course, Peculiar Jesse and All-American Peyton, who is Not Amused with anything Peculiar Jesse has to offer, which includes the ability to remove in-grown hairs with a screw. That's probably in the Boy Scout Manual, right?
Chris Harrison enlightens the competitors as to the New Rules. They are couples. As such, they win or lose, live or die (I wish!) as a couple. To test their loyalty, strength, honesty and dexterity they have to play catch with... wait for it...water balloons. DRAMA RATING: HIGH. Like, Field Day in Middle School high. Each couple team has three balloons and once they are popped, they are out of the competition. Pepto ready? The ladies toss water balloons at their partners. Everyone catches the balloon without popping it. They all take a step back. The gents pitch and the ladies catch. The ladies all succeed. They take a step back. Peculiar Jesse and Peyton hit a snag. Peyton ends up in tears as three balloons pop on her white Lee Jean cut offs. They are out. Tenley and Kiptyn pop two balloons and then a third and WHAT THE FUCK. Why am I doing the color commentary on competitive balloon tossing? Crap. I hate my life SO much right now. Fuck: Elizabeth is so disappointed in herself for dropping two balloons in a row. She is here to help her man win $250,000. Note that she is not here to win for herself, just to help Her Man win. The overwhelming sense of Loser crushes her spirit and she drops a third balloon. She is totally going to have to giver her man a consoling BJ tonight. Just sayin'. Natalie and Dave are the only couple left, and Chris Harrison steps forward to make up some entirely new rule that Natalie and Dave have to complete a pass to actually win. Natalie drops a balloon. Then she catches one. Drama? Over. Ulcer? Soothed. Brain cells? Dead. Natalie and Dave get to go on a date! Aren't you overjoyed for them?
The competition ends and Chris Harrison is airlifted out of the War Zone and into his velvet-lined quarters far from the bed bugs-riddled DMZ. The competitors retreat to console themselves or celebrate as appropriate. Peyton is still in tears over her failed attempt at professional balloon tossing. I mean, what the hell is she going to put on her resume, now? Jesse B. talks her down from the window ledge she has found and she comes to love and trust him. See? Arranged marriages aren't that bad. Natalie and Tenley eat publicly, which is odd and potentially part of a secret PSA to make up for all the stupid girls with silicon boobs parading across the television set. (Note: it's not working.) As they chew each bite 50 times and try to avoid swallowing (they're not married, after all, and can't afford to risk actual weight gain), they debate whether Peyton and Peculiar Jesse or Kovacs and Elizabeth are the bigger threat. They don't know. Later, Peyton who is STILL CRYING talks to Natalie about her emotional breakdown. Natalie tries to convince Peyton not to give up, despite the fact that she should totally give up. Natalie thinks she can play Puppet Master and convince Dave that Kovacs is too big of a threat to keep around, even if he is his BFF. Bros before Hos, and Money over Everything.
Natalie and Dave's Date Card arrives. Everyone tries to guess what "sleeping under the stars" means, but these people are a far cry from Encyclopedia Brown and Sally. Tenley keeps guessing "A rocket ship!" like she has undiagnosed Asperger's. It's not a rocket ship, Tenley, it's a Lamborghini. With built-in Lamborghini cam. Kovacs and Elizabeth are the first to find the car parked in the driveway and decide to mark it as their own with their love juices. When they are done they wander inside and announce their dirty deed and pass on their sloppy seconds to Dave and Natalie. Dave and Natalie don't seem to mind any leftover stickiness as they jump in and speed off -- with Dave driving, of course, because he's The Man and Natalie is just a girl. Back at the Herpes Hacienda, everyone pouts about not being able to drive the big, fancy car or, in the case of Peyton and Jesse B., about IMPENDING DOOM. Meanwhile Dave and Natalie have parked and decided to make their own sexy car calendar/Warrant video. Natalie does her best Tawny Kitaen impression and straddles the Lamborghini in 12 different ways. After making out for a while, they drive to the Bachelor-owned property where Jason and Molly fell in love. This bodes well for Natalie's fantasy of Finding Love. Obviously Finding Love requires drinking and then some sewious tawk. Dave confesses that his parents got divorced and this has made it challenging to form lasting relationships. Natalie's parents have never traveled around the world. Such tragedies bond them. They connect on a deeper level, and naturally this leads to making out in the hot tub.
Speaking of making out in a hot tub, Tenley and Kiptyn are doing the exact same thing! I bet you could get pregnant just sitting in that thing. MORE CHLORINE, PLEASE! They explain how much they like kissing each other. I start retching and miss the rest. Back in the OTHER hot tub, Natalie wants to talk Strategy. She un-straddles Dave so he can focus and tries to sell him on the idea of getting rid of Kovacs. He's not so sure, because he and Kovacs have a suicide pact, and he's not sure if he wants to kick it into high gear. Back at the Herpes Hacienda, Elizabeth and Kovacs are staring googly-eyed at each other, and Elizabeth announces she wants to try and break into the on-premise Fantasy Suite. They sneak upstairs (with camera crew, obvi). Kovacs draws a bubble bath because, yeah, guys are totally into candle-light bubble baths. Then they make out in the bathtub with their swimsuits on. Then they climb into bed and Kovacs asks Elizabeth if she wants to get naked, because at this point why not be completely nude on national television, right? I mean, your grandma is already praying for your immortal soul by now, and if not, your grandma hates you. Elizabeth plays prude-ish and claims she is only naked when she is in love, not lust. Kovacs is like, WTF? We've been dating for six months, do you really expect America to believe we've never slept together? Elizabeth wants us to believe they've never slept together. Then they possibly sleep together. Let's all send her supportive e-mails (and Valtrex)! Then Elizabeth picks a fight because she wants more Romance and what better way to get Romance than by nitpicking? Then she calls herself stupid and America agrees and then she picks another fight and then she tells Kovacs she loves him. He does not respond.
The day Natalie and Dave return (Dave is still driving the car) and they find Elizabeth and Kovacs in the Fantasy Suite. They join them, but instead of turning all Showtime After Dark, Kovacs and Dave high five and go to find the beer bong. Later, Kovacs and Dave strategize and do math and realize that Peculiar Jesse and Peyton are going home. They smash beer cans on their heads in celebration. Natalie pulls Peyton aside and tells her to try and sway the stupidly named Kiptyn and Tenley to keep her in the house. Peyton likes the plan. She goes to talk to Tenley and subtly steers Tenley in her direction. Tenley follows the lo-cal bread crumb trail and realizes that Elizabeth and Kovacs need to go. Tenley goes to find Kiptyn who is butchering meat, because someone has to. Between whacks of the butcher's knife, Kiptyn also comes to the conclusion that Kovacs and Elizabeth should probably go. Tenley can't control herself around a man chopping raw chicken and lunges into his arms risking the cross contamination and possible salmonella.
Soon it is time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison parachutes into the DMZ in an airtight suit and announces that the couples get to vote individually because they are autonomous and unique individuals and that he loves them all equally and they are like children to him, until the season of The Bachelor, when they will be cruelly cast aside and his affections start anew. Everyone is so excited about this newfound autonomy. The voting commences. Peculiar Jesse takes a moment to have a quiet conversation with Kiptyn. He promises to name his firstborn son something equally stupid and WASPy if Kiptyn will vote for Kovacs instead of him. Kiptyn is really into this plan. They shake hands. This means nothing. Pass the Pepto! Kiptyn is torn between strategy and loyalty. In the voting room staring into the dead-eyed picture of Kovacs and Elizabeth, Kiptyn does his best James Dean impression and shrieks, "They're tearing me appaaaaaaarrrrrttttttttt!!!" We cut to commercial to heighten the drama before Kiptyn casts his actual vote. Also to stretch this show out, because there is clearly not enough material to make this an actual two-hour show.
It's the Rose Ceremony. Natalie and Dave are obviously safe. Chris Harrison calls out Tenley and Kiptyn as safe. Then it is already time for the Big Announcement. Chris Harrison stands around, taps his toes, whistles a jaunty tune, and then finally announces that Kovacs and Elizabeth are safe. The lack of drama in and of itself is almost dramatic. So was it Kiptyn who voted for Bros before Hos? Nope. It was ringleader Natalie who decided that voting against her man and partner would only ensure that he would never marry her. So she voted for Peyton and Peculiar Jesse to leave in the hope that Dave will marry and/or give her half the $250,000 prize but mostly marry her. Obviously, Dave will not marry her. Peculiar Jesse gives Natalie the stink eye, calls Peyton a bleeping good partner, calls Natalie a fake, and leaves with style. And then there were three. Three creepy, glossy, smiley, slimy, shameless, shiny, happy couples. *Shudder.*
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our guide to the contestants' most memorable moments!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is a Patriot. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.