It's Monday night, which means that instead of going to cultural events around our towns or, God forbid, reading books, we are gathered around the glowing evil tubey (er... Tubey) wasting our lives, fattening our rumps, and watching Bachelor Pad. Yes, yes, we're back to wade through the cast-off detritus of The Bachelor/ette dating pools. Yes, yes, I am basically equating these blonde, bronzed chuckleheads to chum. But their shark tank is filled with nothing but Sun In, bronzer and broad-spectrum antibiotics. They are all here for the money. Also the love, but mostly the money. The free vacation doesn't hurt, either.
Uh-oh, somebody's crying. God, I wish I could remember these people's names. I mean, yes, remembering the actual name of each of these yutzes would take up precious real estate in my increasingly cirrhotic brain.* (*Note: Brain cirrhosis is not necessarily a side effect of watching The Bachelorette, but it might be.) That said, it would make deciphering these scenes easier. Right now a blonde is crying, and I'm pretty sure she's the same bawling blonde who cried a lot last episode because she realized her boyfriend might be a complete dick. You see, her maybe-boyfriend had this great Strategy where he wanted free rein to whore it up with all the other women, but just, you know, TO WIN. It's all part of the game, right?
Strangely, the bawling blonde was Not Into That Plan and cried and got all the girls to swear they would boot him off the show if his Giant Asshole-ness flared up again. Think of it as Preparation H for jerks. The bawling blonde is also convinced that he might be the love of her life. So there's that. And the fact that she is an idiot. The boyfriend's (sorry, dude, I have to label you!) brush with Loserdom made him re-think his strategy right quick and he is now willing to be given the title of Boyfriend. He has now realized that being in a couple is a much better strategy. Also he gets to get some action without, you know, trying.
Meanwhile, Natalie, who is also blonde but not a bawler, has almost removed herself from competition because she is SO IN LOVE with Peculiar Jesse. The butterflies and rainbows and unicorn-shaped glitter swirling around her head are making it hard to see straight. It's hard to remember that she's here for the money when Peculiar Jesse is performing a tonsillectomy with his tongue while his hands grope where her bathing suit covers on a couch on a patio in plain sight of a WATCHING PRIMETIME AUDIENCE.
Dawn breaks on the communal bedroom, but battle lines are already drawn (and most of the girls already have on full make-up). Some of the girls are feeling like outsiders because they aren't actively sleeping with anyone on the boys' team. Yet. The outsiders include Gia, who awkwardly (maybe stupidly) came on the show with a boyfriend, and Gwen, who is actually the Vampire Queen of the greater Los Angeles area. Also in the outsider group is Nikki, who had her ex-boyfriend forcibly evicted from the show last week, and Krisily, mostly because no one has any idea who the heck she is. But as we head into the second competition, she quickly makes a name for herself by REFUSING TO COMPETE.
She takes one look at the early morning pie-eating competition laid out for the housemates and quickly goes to poke Chris Harrison in the arm. As she dares to touch the hem of his garment, Harrison glares at the offending finger until Krisily realizes her error, hangs her head in shame, and mutters some malarkey about not having a gall bladder and being unable to digest fat and not being convinced that $250,000 is worth spending months in the hospital. CANDY ASS! David sums it up: She should have tried to suck it up and get through it. What the fuck is a gallbladder anyway? Totally made-up.
The girls must compete first. They prepare for battle by removing their shirts. Because that's how these hos roll. Their hands are tied behind their backs, and the girls dig in, face first. They all start with gusto, but quickly the calorie count takes its toll on all the gastric bypass patients and it quickly turns into that scene from Stand By Me where Lard Ass starts puking and then everyone starts puking. It was pretty much a shit storm of vomit. All the guys are taking one, then two, then five steps back as the girls start hurling their pie into the buckets that were provided with prescient foresight. The men quickly lose their perma-hard ons. Even the wee little Weatherman can't keep his Cialis-induced woodie afloat at the sight of all the girls barfing in the breeze.
At some point Chris Harrison disappears because he is not paid enough to risk getting barf on his Bruno Maglis. Also, his shirt matches the tablecloth, and he's worried someone might get confused. Soon it is only Disney princess Tenley and Gia the Taken left in the competition. The Crying Blonde whose name I can't remember points out that they are the smallest girls in the competition, so it was pretty Alanis Morissette. Tenley barfs and eats and barfs and eats and then barfs IN HER PIE and keeps eating, which clearly Disney would not approve of, although I'm sure her Kappa Phi Delt sisters would totally get it. Gia, meanwhile, gracefully tips her pie on the table and wolfs it down like Rover at a Purina party. She wins! And she gets immunity and a non-sexual date with three men of her choice. Tenley just gets bulimia.
The Weatherman takes inspiration from little Gia's win, since they're about the same size. He wades into battle against the 200-plus pound hunks of manhood who are obviously smug and convinced of their imminent victory. Are you smelling an impending David and Goliath moment? Yeah it smells like Old Spice, girl puke, and victory. The big men start eating cherry pie and five bites in already slow down. The girls all nod knowingly. These men are not pie eaters. Except for The Weatherman who is calmly and efficiently eating his way through the pie.
All of a sudden the camera frantically cuts back to Fake Dean McDermott (a.k.a. Craig) who is sponging up pie juice with his head in the hope of lessening the amount of pie he has to eat or just for the attention. This has no effect on the pie, but grosses out the girls and making his hair very reminiscent of post-pig blood Carrie. The girls all cheer on The Weatherman, but Kiptyn, who exists, apparently, slowly starts to make headway on his cherry pie.* (*Note: I have no idea if they are eating cherry pie, I just wanted to get Warrant stuck in everyone's heads.) Fake Dean tries his head sopping thing again, but no one cares. And, hey, Fake Dean: Ew.
After Chris Harrison rudely makes him hoover the crumbs off the table with his mouth, The Weatherman wins! Poor Weatherman, Harrison loves to pick on the littler guys and there is no way he would have made Peculiar Jesse or the guy named Kovacs, who is tragically not a primetime detective with a fedora, lick the crumbs off the table before declaring him the victor. But The Weatherman wins! He and Gia get to go on dates and hand out roses and be benevolent and desired, which is very odd for The Weatherman, but he got special lifts just for the occasion.
The Weatherman's victory spells trouble for Fake Dean, because nobody but Girl Jessie will even pretend to like him, and his human sponge thing failed to impress the ladies, so he is worried he will be on the chopping block. He tries to make friends, but, he's gross. The Weatherman gets pointers from Gia on how to survive another day and she recommends he keep one of the outsider girls safe. Vampire Queen Gwen perhaps? Her 150 years on earth have given her a certain wisdom and disinterest in hooking up with the household bohunks for anything but plasma. The Weatherman gets his date card and he wisely chooses three ladies with no affiliation or territorial pissings marking them.
Ashley, Vampire Queen Gwen and Peyton accompany him to an art studio, where they are given the task of creating the Great Masterpiece. Instead they fingerpaint with their asses. The Weatherman dons his infamous Speedo for the occasion, while the girls change into their bikinis. They slop paint on each other and roll around on paper and basically make their audition tape for the season of Work of Art.
Back at the House of Herpes, the divisions between in crowd (HOT TUB!!!) and outsiders (in bed) is becoming more evident. Krisily concocts a plan whereby one of the popular kids will get voted off. How about Kiptyn? Because he is obviously a plant. A plant with a stupid WASPy name that I want to punch in the babymaker. Out on the hot date, The Weatherman is surprisingly doing a good and admirable job balancing the needs of three needy women. The Weatherman takes some alone time with Peyton and they agree that Kiptyn needs to go because he is obviously the low-hanging fruit on the Popular Tree. He was definitely the kid who was the nerd and then paid a popular chick to be his girlfriend. Yes, he took life lessons from a Patrick Dempsey movie. He will probably ride a lawnmower into the sunset when he has to leave. This is why he needs to go.
Elizabeth (the bawling blond! That's her name!) is pretty sure The Weatherman is a wily little weasel, but she is also pretty sure she can convince Ashley to see the light. Or at least convince her that she might be popular if she votes their way. Or at least she can be the Veronica to their Heathers without all the shooting and corn nuts and stuff. The Weatherman is professing his love for Gwen but Gwen assures the viewing audience that she will never, ever, ever let that happen. She has no interest in mortals. Aside from buffet options. The Weatherman gives her the rose anyway, because he didn't see the way she was talking about him behind his back. It's a little sad. Then to add to the tragedy, Ashley starts pouting because she didn't get the rose. Clearly she will be aligning herself with the popular kids.
The day Gia takes The Weatherman outside for debriefing. Look, I didn't say de-Speedo-ing because that would be unsightly on SO MANY LEVELS. Mostly, I prefer to think of The Weatherman as built like a Ken doll. No, actually, more like a Barbie. Gia berates him and angrily flips her hair at him for taking untrustworthy Ashley on a date when he should have taken Nikki or Krisily. The Weatherman gets it, even though he really doesn't want to believe that Ashley would be so cruel after being so kind. He really doesn't hang out with girls too often, does he?
Gia flips her hair seriously and explains that the best thing that can happen for His Future is for her to give a rose to his arch enemy Fake Dean. Gia is so convincing in her speech, that The Weatherman agrees that giving Fake Dean the rose would actually be the best plan. Oh God, does this mean Gia is the leader? That is a new low, even for this show. Gia heads inside to choose her escorts for the evening. She picks Wes, Fake Dean (as per The Plan) and for the third one, she claims she doesn't care and just throws all the guys' names in a bowl and picks one at random. In a confessional cam she explains that what we saw on TV was not exactly true. She actually just wrote Peculiar Jesse's name on every single card and, thus, picked his name out of the bowl. She really wanted him on the date, because she thinks she can win him over to their side. Her task may be easier than she previously suspected, because Peculiar Jesse has been "watching her" for a "long time." I assume he means watching her on the TV, but who knows, maybe he means "from the bushes".
A quick aside: I always wanted to take out one of those "I Saw You" ads in the back of a newspaper or Craig's List and say, "You dark haired, mustachioed, reading Douglas Adams. Me, in bushes, watching." You know, just to say hi! Anyway now you all think I am creepy when really I am hilarious. Would you feel better if I told you it was David Cross that I was stalking? Totally reasonable under those circumstances, right?
They head out on their date, and all the men look bummed because, while this is a date, no one is getting any because... sigh, Gia has a boyfriend. Gia pulls Fake Dean aside and tells him flat-out that he is getting the rose. He hugs her and she pulls back to avoid getting pulled into his ultra-absorbent hair. I mean, back off Pie Head, no one wants that in their face. Back at Herpes House, the Popular ladies are well aware of Gia's probable plan and how it will uproot the balance from Cool Kids in Charge (Elizabeth includes herself in that, natch) to Outsiders in Charge (basically, Thunderdome). Since everyone wants to be considered part of the Cool Kids, the girls all nod vehemently.
Out on the Big Date, Peculiar Jesse tells Gia that he is only hooking up with Natalie to kill time until he wins the $250,000 check and, obviously, until Gia dumps her boyfriend. Then Gia flips her hair beguilingly and paints a heart on his hand in henna, which will undoubtedly endear her to Natalie. Back at Herpes House, Elizabeth and Kovacs make out in the shower even though Elizabeth knows Kovacs is going to break her heart. Avert your eyes before you catch the herpes. Back on the date, Wes is baring his heart to Gia. He loves her even though she has a boyfriend. He is crazy for her, she's amazing, he's infatuated, he loves her. Did he say that already? Doesn't matter, he'll say it again: LOVE. She flips her hair around a lot, no, like, A LOT and says if things were different she would have just been there for him. But, you know, BOYFRIEND. They hug for a while while Gia remains noncommittal and Wes sniffs her hair and whimpers a bit.
After her awkward not-make out session with Wes, Gia gathers the men back together and then doles out the rose. She decides that even though she promised it to Fake Dean, she is going to give it to Wes. He has her back. Or at least he did when she was eating pie and she needed someone to hold her flippin' hair back. Fake Dean knows he is doomed.
Gia is a hair-flipping moron. Even she realizes this and admits that she ruined the game plan for the whole house because Wes gave her a back rub and promised her a pony. She knows she made a mistake, but feels that morally it was the right thing to do to give the guy who has the hots for her the rose. Just to make sure her boyfriend back home is uncomfortable, because jealousy is the foundation of any good relationship. She flips her hair some more and then they all head back to Herpes House. Wes struts around thrusting his rose of victory into everyone's face while all the outsider girls shake their heads at Gia's foolishness. Because of Gia's fuck-up, the girls all start vehemently making out with various guys in hopes of securing their positions in the house (missionary, mostly). The guys are all confident knowing that Fake Dean is most likely out.
It's the morning of the day of the evening's elimination. Peculiar Jesse is letting Gia show him her scars and then decides that the day of elimination is the best time to dump Natalie. Why did he dump Natalie? Because she's no Gia. Also, he is in it for the money, not love. He has a plan. Natalie has a sad.
Chris Harrison is wearing another gingham plaid shirt paired with a polka dot tie the combination of which is pretty much seizure inducing. He waltzes into the living room clinking his champagne glass, because he would like everyone's attention. Everyone quiets down and turns towards him. Then he rips one.* Everyone laughs. (*Note: May not have happened, but should have.) Harrison announces that he would like to talk about their feelings.
Everyone starts pouting and complaining that everyone is mean. Then Tenley calls Elizabeth a slut, and then Tenley starts crying because she didn't mean "slut" she meant blowing a guy in a shower in a loving and committed way. Then Elizabeth starts crying, because that is what she does. Then someone chimes in that everything sucks. Chris Harrison chuckles like JigSaw and then reminds them that it is time for elimination. The Weatherman, Vampire Queen Gwen, Gia, and Gia's mistake are all safe from elimination. The Popular girls are all voting Fake Dean as far away from them as possible, because: Ew. But their pact is only four strong and the swing vote is Jessie, who has been making out with Popular guy Dave.
Before the vote, Dave reports that all the guys wanted to vote Jessie off because she once went on a date with Fake Dean and, you know, ew. She starts crying and Dave decides to get out the vote for Krisily instead because if he gives Jessie a Silkwood shower she might be doable. Besides, there is no way that Krisily is putting out, and Jessie might. During the voting, some of the guys vote for Krisily and some vote for Jessie. Dramatic, right? It finally dawns on the guys that they need to start to strategize.
They quickly realize that Nikki is the swing vote between sending home Fake Dean and Kiptyn. Apparently Kiptyn and Nikki go "way back" to like pre-K and are really "good friends" even though he is too cool to talk to her during school hours, but, you know, he'll show up at her window at night and let her blow him and sometimes they'll spoon. It is suddenly really really hard for Nikki to have her good friend Kiptyn on the chopping block. BUT! She doesn't want to fail to live up to her word. She doesn't like being the swing vote. Basically, this is how the state of Virginia feels every single election.
The teams line up and the competitors place their final bets on who is going home and who is going to take over the control of the house. Oh that's right, Melissa Rycroft stepped off the unemployment line to stand to Chris Harrison during the Bachelor Pad rose ceremonies. What gainful employ she has found! Her parents must be proud. Chris Harrison starts calling up the competitors to collect their roses. It is down to the final four. Then Harrison calls out: Krisily and Kiptyn are safe! Which means we have seen the last of Fake Dean (please, please, please let me get what I want this time) and David has lost his snuggle buddy in Jessie S. (not Fake Dean).
As they all say their good byes, the girls are doing their math (hard!) and realizing that someone broke from party lines. They know it's Nikki, who is now an outsider even to the outsiders, which makes her a real outsider. Gia blames Nikki for failing to live up to her obligations to her team, but Gia is just so pretty that no one bothers to call her on the whole pot-kettle thing. Jessie realizes she should have started making out with Dave earlier. Now she has the herpes and no giant check to comfort herself with at night.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our guide to the contestants' most memorable moments!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates would really like Calgon to take her away. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.