Ever wonder what happens to all the scamps, scads, tramps and cads cruelly cast off the Path of Love from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? No? ABC doesn't care. They are going to make this show happen. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present for your consideration, Bachelor Pad. Also known as ABC's attempt to meld the highbrow... er, drama (?) of The Bachelor/ette with the lowbrow, herpes-addled, money-grubbing slutfest of VH1 reality television. Did you all see I Love Money? I did. Who doesn't want to watch the Disney version of that? *Raises Hand * ...Sigh.
Chris Harrison, the least gainfully employed person on television (yes, I'm including the Gosselins), greets us outside The Bachelor Pad, a.k.a. Herpes Manor. He touts the wild success of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, not in the ratings department, but in the Love Department (please say that in your best Barry White voice), which is laughable. He talks about the romance, the weddings, the children. And he does it all without cracking a smile. He is a true Bachelor/ette zealot, which makes me scared of him just a little.
Anyway, Harrison explains that The Bachelor Pad is just a different way of looking for love. That's like comparing a candlelit dinner to a drunken weekend in Tijuana where you fall asleep under a cactus with a giant sombrero on your head and an undying love of Mexican stereotypes. But Harrison swears that this show is about love, and since he put it in air quotes we can only assume he means love of public indecency, binge drinking and nationally-televised barfing. He also promises that some of "our favorite" contestants will be competing and loving each other right before our eyes. Who the heck are these masochists who didn't get enough public shaming during their first go-round? (We have a guidebook for you.)
First out of the limo is Tenley, whose sparkling personality and rosy cheeks makes her about two bluebirds short of being a Disney Princess. up is Peculiar Jesse, who you may recall from the most recent Bachelorette. Then it is some blonde who thinks Jesse is the most handsome man she has ever seen outside of the one guy at a Cracker Barrel and, of course, the Twilight movies. Then a woman who competed on Season 2 of The Bachelor dares to show her aged and decrepit face in daylight, and everyone cringes in horror and hides their faces behind their Jonas Brothers Trapper Keepers. Jesse points out that Season 2 of The Bachelor aired sometime in 1200 A.D., so she is either a vampire or was married to a kick-ass plastic surgeon.
Then some "bangin'" girl steps out of the limo. I know she's bangin' because they said it about 12 times. Then it's the wee little Weatherman, who was briefly vying for Ali's love, but his tendency to burst into tears at the thought of kissing a girl and his wee little package (What? He said it.) forced Ali to send him to not pass go, but to head directly to The Bachelor Pad. The Weatherman reminds us that he really hates Craig M., a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott and hopes he is not going to show up. Oh, but he is so totally going to show up! out of the car is Juan, who really hopes Nikki isn't there, but Nikki is so totally there, too! Awkward!
Natalie, who is operating as a Greek chorus that would make Aeschylus proud, explains that Juan stayed with Nikki in Chicago and thought it would be cheaper to sleep with her in lieu of paying for a hotel room. But that bill is going to come due when she cockblocks him with the other ladies simply for hooking up with some other sad-sack, fake-boobed contestant during a reunion trip! What's her damage, right? Women usually love his charming Himbo ways. Isn't male sluttiness the same as male charisma? No? Damn.
When we return from commercials, The Weatherman is still talking about the evils of Fake Dean, and Tenley is too polite to step away from him, but she is considering giving him a poisoned apple and feeding him to her dwarves. Then some guy named Wes shows up, but before he can cross the threshold into the house, Chris forces him to sign a blood affidavit that he is single. Wes pauses for a minute and then nods. Natalie (natch) explains that Wes is America's favorite villain, and hopefully the ladies will all understand that he just plays a villain on the TV.
Then some girl names Krisily shows up, and no one has any idea who she is, and she goes to stand in a corner alone and hugs herself. Elizabeth arrives and announces that she is ready to open her heart and win $250,000. She has a huge crush on some guy named Jesse K. Jesse K. admits they've hooked up some in the past (past three months!), but he's much more interested in the money than, like, an actual relationship with an actual woman. As long as this place has Wi-Fi and hasn't blocked the good part of the internet, he is all set.
Then a veritable avalanche of boob jobs, hair dye and lip gloss comes pouring through the door as the guys gape and Natalie narrates the girl parade: She's the crazy one, she's the one dating someone, she's the one who will boil your bunny. Then a girl named Gia walks in, and the guys' jaws drop, and the girls instantly hate her until she says she has boyfriend, and then they all relax in unison and offer to braid her hair. And then: DRAMAZ!! Craig M. a.k.a. Fake Dean McDermott pulls up. His hair is a wee bit shorter now that he got a chance to see how Real Dean McDermott did his hair in Season Six of Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood.
Out by the pool, The Weatherman is pretending he is not bothered by this addition to The Bachelor Pad family, but when Fake Dean's blow-up Tori Spelling doll hits The Weatherman in the back of the head, it's war. Except The Weatherman is pretending he is not worried about himself, but for the safety and fun-filled atmosphere of the others and, of course, for Tori Spelling. But we're all worried about Tori Spelling.
A half-hour into the show, everyone seems confident of their ability to win money and find love, but no one seems sure of how exactly that might happen. I mean, does this game have rules? Or is it just a Lord of the Flies sort of thing? It seems necessary to point out there is a disproportionate male to female ratio, which is completely appropriate for this show. I mean, a three-way with two girls is family entertainment, but two boys? PORN! Anyway, it might be time for someone to explain what the fuck is the point of this supposed game.
Chris Harrison finally rises from his velvet pappasan and wanders into the living room and clinks his champagne glass. He wants some attention, please! When everyone turns to stare at him, he smiles and welcomes everyone to The Bachelor Pad. These contestants were all selected for their loose morals, clean Wasserman tests and clear skin. Now they will be competing against each other to find love and money. Winners get roses and dates, losers get voted off each week. That's right, it's a popularity contest with a quarter-million dollar cash payout, which is so much more appealing than middle school's popularity payout, which is, you know, high school.
Chris Harrison explains that there are more women than men, because there have been more season of The Bachelor than The Bachelorette. But seeing as they only picked contestants from three seasons of The Bachelor and no contestants from Trista's or Jen's seasons of The Bachelorette, this is just some stupid conceit. IGNORE IT! Or don't, I don't care. Besides, Harrison promises that the decks will be leveled soon enough. Ooh I hope they use a bulldozer to do the leveling, just like in the Amazonian rain forest.
Then Chris Harrison introduces Melissa Rycroft, who is an aspirational role model for the contestants, as she has risen from the D-level former contestant riff raff to the B-level celebrity that comes with a public dumping and a stint on Dancing with the Stars. And now she's a host! Then the contestants roam the house looking for their bedrooms and quickly realize: There's only one! It's like the world's most syphilitic youth hostel! Everyone giggles and plots their midnight routes from bunk to bunk.
The contestants take some pool time. The girls all start plotting and strategizing and immediately decide that Fake Dean will be the first man eliminated. They didn't like watching him be mean to The Weatherman last season because it was like seeing a stalker kick a puppy for an hour. No fun. Melissa Rycroft rounds up the contestants for the first competition. The game? Twister. They couldn't do Strip Poker or Beer Pong, because this is Disney-owned ABC and thus family programming, and they couldn't do Math, because that is HARD. As the game progresses, everyone twists and turns and ogles each other openly while Chris and Melissa keep tabs on the contest. Ashley and Tenley and Krisily and The Weatherman are all out.
Eventually, Jessie and her bikini-clad ass are the only girl left in the cut throat competition, because apparently Twister is as hard as math. Elizabeth calls out Fake Dean and prays to sweet baby Jesus that he loses. So obviously he wins. Which means that he has immunity, which, for the slow or not paying attention means THE GIRLS CAN'T SEND HIM HOME. He is pretty sure that means everyone now loves him. Harrison reminds him that he can't be eliminated and then explains that he gets to take three girls on a date and gets an immunity rose to hand out on his date. Sadly, it only means the girl can't be eliminated, not that she is immune to Chlamydia.
Fake Dean isn't quite sure what to do with his newfound power. So he obviously decides to take Elizabeth, because she hates him, and he is a glutton for punishment. He convinces her to go with him by letting her play with his Tori Spelling fashion dolls. Also, what else does she have to do during this competition? Might as well get out of the house for a spell and maybe make Jesse K. jealous. If he cares, which he doesn't.
Darkness falls on Herpes Manor and the room is wired with night vision cameras, and while it is clear that someone is hooking up, no one can quite figure out who it was. Tenley spreads the rumor that it was Fake Dean and Michelle. I have no idea who Michelle is, but it is clear that she has awful taste in men. But, wait: Scandal! Michelle swears she didn't do anything and if she did, it certainly wasn't with that puppy-kicking Tori stalker. But everyone believes Tenley, because oh my God, that girl couldn't lie; if she did, a rose bush would spring up around her and she would fall asleep for a hundred years. The date card arrives, and all eyes are on Fake Dean. He picks Jessie, because they made a clutch moment deal on the Twister board, and he is a man of his word. Then he picks Gwen. Grandma Gwen stops knitting her shawl and jumps out of her rocking chair shocked that these little whippersnappers remember to respect their elders. Then glutton-for-punishment Fake Dean invites Elizabeth on the date.
The group date heads to the beach, and Heather spends the date half flirting and half berating Fake Dean for his evil ways. Fake Dean really seems to think that he and Elizabeth are about to start making out, but he is pretty much delusional. As we cut to commercial, we see Elizabeth in the back of a limo. Was that an accidental spoiler? Or simple misdirection? Who cares! This show is stupid.
Back at The Bachelor Pad, Natalie has fallen head over heels in love with Peculiar Jesse, and they're already making out and picking out their edible body lube. Jesse only sort of cares that hooking up with Natalie could hurt his chances to win money. Juan and Gia watch Natalie and Jesse roll around and they rate their performance and decide that they would kick them both off. This is a competition after all! Out on Fake Dean's lone chance to be a Bachelor, Melissa Rycroft greets the foursome at the Greek theater. Fake Dean has to choose which girl gets the rose and will be safe from elimination, and who is getting sent back to Herpes Manor. Fake Dean misses out on his big chance to win Elizabeth over to his team by giving Jessie the rose. Elizabeth will make him pay for that affront!
Elizabeth and Gwen are sent home while Jessie and Fake Dean are serenaded by a washed-up '90s rock star who should really fire his agent. To top off Elizabeth's insult, when she gets back to the Bachelor Pad, love-of-her-life Jesse K. wants to talk. Some of the girls won't make out with him or let him mack on them because they think he is dating Elizabeth. So he has a plan: They should pretend they aren't dating so he can improve his chances with the other ladies. Strangely, Elizabeth isn't super-into this plan. Jesse K. doesn't get it, she's just being so emotional about this, when this is clearly a rational plan for the competition. After he makes out with as many girls as possible, he will totally hook up with her still, you know, later. Why is that not a good plan??
Elizabeth points out that if he is a total ass to her, her girlfriends might be convinced to kick him off. He tries to figure out if that is a threat, realizes it is, and then stomps off in a huff. He pouts to his bros, and they promise to kick Elizabeth off if she won't let him play the field. What a bitch, right? Meanwhile, Michelle decides to confront Tenley about spreading rumors about her and Fake Dean by locking her in the bathroom and screaming. Then she makes Tenley cry. No one makes a fairy princess cry and gets away with it in this house. Or on this channel.
It's the Day of Elimination, and everyone is strategizing like nerds at a dodgeball game. Juan decides that the moments before elimination would be a really great time to apologize to Nikki for being a man-slut and sleeping with her instead of getting a hotel room. In retrospect, a Motel 6 was probably cheaper than strings-attached sex. When Jesse K. realizes that Elizabeth is rallying the ladies against him, he thinks it is time to pretend that every time Elizabeth says she is in love with him he doesn't throw up in his mouth. Then she cries and he manages to mutter that he knows she is in his corner. In the confessional he whines about the bad spot he is in, because he either has to take himself off the market for the ladies or pretend he likes Elizabeth. Fuck, man. He can't handle this much rock-and-a-hard-place drama. He totally flunked out of his fourth-grade acting class at the local Y.
It's Elimination Time, and no one is safe. Unless they have a rose. Harrison wanders in and reminds the clusterchump that the women have to vote off one man, and the men have to vote off one woman. Harrison explains that they have to pick the picture of the contestant they likey the least and put it in the box for elimination. It's nice that they aren't making the contestants use words or, like, write the names of contestants, because that would be HARD. The girls' loyalty is torn between helping Elizabeth kick off Jesse K. for being a conniving ass and making Elizabeth cry -- twice! -- or kicking off Juan for treating Nikki's vajayjay like a flophouse. Yes, even though he apologized. Tonight Chris Harrison announces the roses, but he has to defer to co-host Melissa Rycroft's rose-handing-out experience.
Chris starts calling out names, and the contestants start collecting their roses. Melissa Rycroft is wearing a dress that looks like if a glitter ball got mummified. Suddenly, there are only four roses left. Elizabeth gets one, leaving Krisily (who is guilty of trying to rouse the girl troops against the stronger male contestants) and Crazy Michelle. Krisily gets to stay.
On the men's side, Jesse K. and Juan are in the bottom two. Jesse gets the rose, meaning that Juan is going home. In the limo on the way out of town, Juan realizes that Nikki was probably behind his dismissal. And after he apologized to her and everything. How could she be so cruel? Michelle has also put two-and-two together and come up with seven. Seven little dwarves and one frakking songbird-addled storybook princess. She knows that the Disney princess had to prevail, because this is the grown-up Disney channel after all. But Michelle is totally going to kill at least two of her dwarves anyway.
Watch a clip from the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our guide to the contestants' most memorable moments!
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No amount of Valtrex could prepare Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates for this. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.