Whole biplanes of props to Wing Chun, Sars, and Glark.
Previously, Angel made some new friends, and plotted to kill them, because I guess that's just a habit with him now. Before the show started, Johanna and I discussed what she wanted to have happen and...well, one thing led to another and we ended up deciding that it would be cool if it started with Angel saying, "Naw, I was just kidding! There's no apocalypse, everything's fine." And then the MoG would laugh and laugh, and then they'd start reminiscing about all the other times they thought they were going to die, and the whole thing would be a clip show.
But instead, the show starts right where the last episode left off, with the MoG standing in a circle, hands raised. Angel says, "Then we're all agreed." Spicule says they're "one big happy Manson family." Gunn asks if they'll attack all of the Thornites at once. Angel says no: "Together, they'd vaporize us. Separated, they're just demons." Of course, separated the MoG are even less of a threat, but don't mind me. Wesley collects his guns as he asks what the plan is. Angel stresses that the MoG have to act like they don't trust Angel. Gunn asks if they should bring Illyria in on the plan, but Angel doesn't trust her. They reassure him by explaining that Illyria's off guarding Drogyn. Angel says that they'd better go check on Illyria, because Drogyn's dead. Spicule very suspiciously asks how Angel knows that. Angel calmly explains, "Because I killed him." Then he punches Spicule, ducks under Spicule's swing, and grabs him by the neck as Hamilton enters the office and dryly apologizes for interrupting. Angel says, "I was just making a closing statement," and shoves Spicule away. As the MoG wander out, Angel harshly tells Wesley, "Illyria's your responsibility. Make sure she doesn't get twitchy." And slams the door again. Do you think Angel's kind of enjoying the opportunity to be rude to the MoG? Hamilton tells Angel that the Thornites have some concerns and want to see him immediately. Hamilton says, "No rest for the wicked," and stomps off, and you just know he was like, "Ha! That was a good one." Angel looks pensive.
Credits. This might be a good time to note that I watched this with Johanna at her place. And we ate "Chocolate Chip Angel" cookies in tribute. And because: cookies, yum. Johanna asks, "What are we going to talk about now that Angel's over?" Then there's a long silence. I finally point out that we're still talking making up elaborate theories about Buffy a year later, so we should be okay for a while. I also suggest that I continue to call her repeatedly for three-minute conversations between 9 and 10 on Wednesdays.
The MoG race into Spicule's place and find Illyria crumpled up on the floor. Gunn suggests checking her pulse, and then wonders if she normally has one. Wesley turns her over, and Illyria's eyes blink open. Those contacts are awesome. Illyria explains that Hamilton took Drogyn. Cary frets, "Straight to his buddy, Angel," and worries that Angel's going to kill them all. Gunn says that the Thornites probably haven't bugged the apartment, and Cary explains that he's not "playing to the crowd"; he isn't sure they should trust Angel. Gunn stands up and says, "We don't have to trust him. We just gotta pray the Black Circle does." Gunn's loyalty would be heartwarming if it didn't seem more like he doesn't understand Cary's point. 'Cause, Gunn? Right there, you're trusting Angel.
Cut to the Thornites, sitting around a table and intoning a long meeting-opening chant. Except for one guy to Archduke Sebassis, who just seems to be bouncing his head like maybe nobody will notice he isn't saying anything. Angel sits at the end of the table, looking bored. Sebassis finally says, "The Circle does not abide secrets." Angel nods, "Which is interesting, for a secret society." Sebassis claps for his carafiend, and says that the MoG are acting up. Johanna is very pleased to see the carafiend again. He's blindfolded, I guess because he's not really a member of the Circle. Vail starts to rasp that Angel "should not be burdened with this kind of --" and then starts wheezing as he looks up to see the carafiend sipping from one of his bottles of delicious maple syrup. Vail kvetches, "Your manservant has become tangled in my bodily fluids again!" Hee hee hee. Angel leans over and impatiently shoves the carafiend back, and the carafiend meeps as he stumbles away from the table. Angel curtly asks why his people are a problem. Vail says that Wesley is "intriguingly unstable." Well, he's half right. Senator Brucker says that they don't have quite as high an opinion of Gunn, and tsks, "He had so much potential." Sebassis adds that Wesley isn't their greatest concern. Angel says, "If the words out of your mouth are, 'Kill Spike,' we just might have to kiss." Sebassis says that, actually, they're worried about Angel himself. Angel does a funny side-to-side glance that probably wasn't meant to be amusing. Izzy pulls out a scroll as Sebassis says that although Angel has proved his loyalty, "there's something stronger than loyalty. Hope." Izzy unrolls the prophecies of Aberjian, and the Thornites take turns expositioning about the Shanshu deal. They also conflate it with the prophecy about Angel's having an important role in the apocalypse, which bugs me because that's a totally different prophecy that only Wolfram & Hart knew about originally. How does everyone in the world know about the Shanshu, anyway? Oh wait, Wesley probably published a paper on it. Angel says he's not interested in becoming human. Yay! Sebassis mwah-ha-has, "Then you won't mind signing that pesky future away." Wha-huh-eh? Sebassis explains, "Through that document, the prophecy can be undone. Your signature there will remove any opportunity that you will ever earn your once-precious humanity." Wha-huh-eh? Angel agrees to sign, and reaches out for the pen Izzy is proffering. Izzy stabs Angel's hand with the pen and explains, "It's gotta be signed in blood." Angel signs.
Yeah. I don't know, either. Makes no sense. But it doesn't bother me too much since the Shanshu always seemed terribly uninteresting, both because human Angel is dull, and because rewards are lame. Still, I think there was a simpler solution: Wesley's firsttranslation of the prophecy was the correct one. Yes, he was actually right once! So it just says that Angel does his thing and dies. This theory has the added bonus of being hilarious. Although it is nice that Angel willingly gives up the idea.
Angel is in his office, letting the light from the necrofuckingtempered windows wash over him and bleach his skin out until he looks ninety years old. Johanna asks why they're doing that. I mean, I get that he's given up on ever walking in the sun again, but why do we have to be punished for that? Later we determine that part of it was her TV, but it still looks pretty bad. Harmony enters and asks where everyone is. Angel asks if she ever misses being human. She shrugs, and says, "Part of me always knew [that] life would end after high school." Angel sighs that he doesn't remember what it was like to be human. Harmony insists that it wasn't all that, but says, "I do remember my heart, and the way it would thump when I kissed a really hot boy for the first time. That was cool." After a beat, Harmony says that she knows there's something going on, and whines, "Everybody's in on it except me." She says that she wants to help, and Angel ponders that, and then tells her that he's going to visit Sebassis later, and he'd like it if she'd keep Hamilton from finding out about that. As he heads for the door, Harmony asks what he's going to do. We go to a weird low angle as Angel says, "One more thing I don't want to."
Cut to Lindsey saying, "You gotta be joking." He and Angel are in the conference room. Where do they store Lindsey when they're not interviewing him? Lindsey asks why they should trust each other. Angel says it's not about them, it's about Wolfram & Hart, and adds, "Maybe they're not there to be beat. Maybe they're there to be fought. Maybe fighting them is what makes human beings so remarkably strong." Yeah, yeah; the heart of man. Lindsey reminds us that this is a terribly dangerous plan. Angel points out that the world used to belong to demons, and now it doesn't. Lindsey wonders if that's true, and Angel sighs, "There's always gonna be power, and there's always gonna be corruption." Lindsey asks why Angel's asking for his help, then, and Angel says, "It's not what I'm expected to do." Oh, he's just being contrary! I respect that. Angel says that if they do succeed in hurting Wolfram & Hart, someone will have to fill the vacuum that leaves. And he'd rather have Lindsey take over than anyone else. Lindsey asks what'll happen if things go bad, and Angel figures Lindsey can smooth-talk his way out of trouble. Lindsey says, "Believe it or not, I was actually talkin' about you." Because he loves Angel. He continues, "You don't care about being squashed like a bug?" Angel sighs, "You haven't heard a word I've said. For, like, years back." Angel doesn't love Lindsey back. Lindsey admits that when Angel gets "speechy," he drifts a little, but he got the main idea. Hee again. Lindsey finally says that he's in. Angel, his back to Lindsey, asks why. Angel listens intently as Lindsey compliments Angel's cojones and says that, win or lose, it'll be a hell of a fight, so he wants to be part of it. I'm pretty sure that a different answer there would have saved Lindsey's life. Mostly from the way Angel was listening. Lindsey concludes, "If you want me, I'm on your team." Angel turns and says, "I want you, Lindsey. [beat] I'm thinking about rephrasing that." Lindsey replies, "I think I'd be more comfortable if you did." Liar!
Stupid Illyria is sacked out on Spicule's bed. Incidentally, Johanna took issue with my claim that Illyria is as dull as Riley, noting that at least Riley had two good moments. I concede the point, although Riley was around an awful lot longer. Wesley says he has to get some kind of special first-aid kit for Old Ones from his place, and tells the others, "Watch over her for me." Spicule mutters about how little that will help if Hamilton returns, which cues Angel to enter saying, "Hamilton did this?" Cary sniffs, "You didn't know?" Wesley helps exposition about how Angel had to kill Drogyn to prove his eviltude. Cary asks, "Any other tips on how to be a hero that we could share with the boys and girls at home?" Angel insists that the Thornites would have killed him and Drogyn if he hadn't gone through with it. Gunn insists that they all understand, but I think he's probably just speaking for himself there. The MoG ever-so-casually wonder if Angel's going to have to kill anyone else as part of his gambit, but Angel says that it won't be an issue: "We're killing 'em all tonight."
Commercials. The WB tells us that we're watching the Angel finale. We know! Because we're watching it! Johanna reminisces, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even watched Angel. And I probably would have stopped watching Buffy in Season 3 or 4." I interrupt, "You're saying that with deep gratitude, right?"
When we return, Angel says that before they go on a rampage, he wants the MoG to take the day off: "Live the day like it's your last. 'Cause it probably is." At least we all know they don't hang out with him for his cheery can-do attitude.
Cary sits down at a microphone and starts singing, "If I Ruled the World." The one by Leslie Bricusse, not the one by Kurtis Blow. Although that would have been pretty awesome.
Angel is lurking in a coffee shop, no doubt supporting Allyson in email. He walks over to a table and says, "Hi." Connor looks up at him.
Spicule's in a bar, doing shots. The bartender comments on the ugly crowd, and Spicule chirps, "Couple more shots of courage, and I may make my presence felt." Oh look, they brought in the misdirection-based comedy for a final bow. That's sweet. The bartender says it's his funeral, and Spicule says, "Well, I never had a proper one," and looks almost like Spike again for a second. Aw.
Anne and some kids are packing up a truck when Gunn wanders up. What is with the blinding white sunlight in this episode? It makes everyone look awful. Anne and Gunn hug. They're still cute. Anne says they're moving some stuff "to the new shelter." Gunn observes that she's still "fighting the good fight," and adds that for him it's been "more fight, less good." He asks after Rondell and the Found Boys. Anne says that the Found Boys were supposed to help her with the move, but that something may have came up. They discuss the vampire situation, and Anne says that the Found Boys keep them pretty safe. That makes me happy. Yay, Found Boys! Anne oozes more positivity, until Gunn interrupts, "What if I told you it doesn't help? What would you do if you found out that none of it matters, that it's all controlled by forces more powerful and uncaring than we can conceive [of], and they will never let it get better down here?" He Karl Maldens, "What would you do?" Anne, ever-practical, says she'd get the truck packed. Gunn accepts that, and they start moving a couch.
Wesley is making magic goo at Spicule's while Illyria watches. Apparently, the goo will help heal Illyria's wounds. There's a weird hand-held close-up of Wesley coating a strip of cloth with magic goo. I don't know why it's so important for us to know that he's making papier-mâché. ["Because now that Martha Stewart's show has ended, there's a vacuum in craft-themed TV programming?" -- Wing Chun] Illyria blusters that she's gonna totally kick somebody's ass or whatever. Shut up, Illyria. You were a bad idea, and now you will remain a bad idea forever and ever, amen. I'm sure they thought that adding a superpowered chick would be cool, and that killing Fred instead of just giving her superpowers would somehow make it less ridiculous, but firstly, it's still pretty damn ridiculous, and secondly, while Acker is doing a swell job, Illyria's insanely boring. Especially when she's just used as a "What is this thing you humans call 'love'?" device to get other characters to tell us what their feelings are. Like, you know, now. Illyria finishes her tirade by describing how she'll yank her enemies' eyeballs out, and Wesley says, "You're a very inspirational person. Have I mentioned that?" Then he starts papier-mâchéing her wounds. I pretend that he's going to totally encase her in the stuff as a strange tribute to After Hours. Illyria asks why Wesley is hanging out with her when Angel said he should do whatever he wanted. Wesley says, "There is no perfect day for me, Illyria. There is no sunset or painting or finely aged scotch that's going to make tonight any....There is nothing that I want." Illyria says that Wesley wants to be with Fred, and adds that she could assume Fred's form, "but [Wesley] would never ask [her] to." Wesley pontificates, "The first lesson a Watcher learns is to separate truth from illusion. Because in the world of magics, it's the hardest thing to do." I hate the word "magics." Hate it. Just say "magic." Wesley says that Fred's dead, he knows it, and he doesn't want a lie. He gets all, "I shall not die today, no fear: I shall live yet for many a year," at which point the audience knows he's toast.
At the bar, Spicule is reading a poem at some kind of poetry-slam open-mike thing. It's very Jim Morrison. That is not a compliment. I saw The Doors for a buck in college, and it was worth that dollar just because I was with my friend Travitt, who was a good poet, and when Meg Ryan said, "You're not a rock star, you're a poet!" to Val Kilmer, poor Travitt actually groaned in pain. Anyway, I enjoy how Spicule says, "My heart expands," and then hesitates for a second before the awful conclusion of "'Tis grown a bulge in it." And then he waits again, presumably for the riotous laughter. But there isn't any, so he finishes, and then crowd goes wild. I assume they're just impressed because the concept of poems that rhyme is exciting and new to them. Damn hippies. Alternatively, maybe they're all very drunk. Spicule drunkenly shouts, "That was for Cecily! All right, this one's called, 'The Wanton Folly of Me Mum'!" Oh dear.
At the coffeehouse -- where they've thoughtfully installed necrofuckingtempered windows just in case Angel drops by -- Angel and Connor are talking about Nina. Connor's stuck on the fact that she's a werewolf, but Angel says she's also an artist: "She made me a vase!" Connor says that the wolf part "joneses" Angel, which...what? When did "jones" get verbified? Connor teases Angel about getting busy with wolfed-out Nina, and off Angel's dumbfounded reaction, says, "So, vampires really don't understand the concept of jokes." Angel defensively insists that he does, adding that was at the first taping of The Carol Burnett Show. Heh. I like it when Angel name-drops. Connor abruptly says that he knows Angel is his father, and that his real memories are mixed in with the fake ones. Johanna gets very angry, and says, "Why would they have him back for a scene like this? I wish they hadn't brought him back at all if they're just going to do this crap." I want to say, "I think this scene is partly a distraction so that if you noticed his name in the credits you'll still be surprised when he turns up later," but I can't, since it's a surprise. And that doesn't excuse trampling all over the subtlety of "Origin," so it's just a mystery. Connor summarizes the real memories as being like a bad dream, and elaborates, "A very strange, and violent, [and] at times, inappropriately erotic dream." Angel figures that Connor has questions, but Connor shakes his head and says he understands what Angel did. And so do we! Ugh. Stop it! Show some commitment to what you've done! After we get through that torture, Connor mentions that he's working on a résumé for an internship application. Angel offers to help, and Connor asks, "Have you ever written a résumé before? Ever?" Angel admits that he hasn't, but claims to have nice handwriting. Connor sniffs, "You girl." Johanna says that they could have made it clear that Connor remembers everything without being so heavy-handed if he'd asked about Cordelia. I wince, because I'm so tired of hearing about that subject, but eventually agree that it would have been better that way. And it might have been funny if Connor asked about Cordy, and then Angel looked awkward, and then Connor said, "Oh...er, well, what's Fred up to, then?" And then Angel looked more awkward. And then Connor could decide not to ask about anyone else.
Cut to Eve and Lindsey, making out on a couch somewhere. Ew! Lindsey asks Eve what she's thinking about, and she says, "Angel." Instead of "Me too!," Lindsey says, "You simply couldn't have said a worse thing than that." He assures her that he knows what he means, though, and says he's glad that she's the one thing he has that "Angel never got his mitts on." Eve quickly changes the subject, and says she thinks Angel might double-cross Lindsey. Lindsey insists that Angel needs all the help he can get, and adds, "When the smoke clears, then we'll see where we stand." Eve wonders if Lindsey will be able to take out the Sahrvins, but Lindsey says, "They're sending me in with karaoke-boy; how tough can they be?" The Sahrvins were one of the warring clans in "Harm's Way," by the way. I didn't mention their name in that recap because I didn't know there'd be a quiz later. Brief exposition about Cary's ominous tidings for Eve. Lindsey reassures Eve, and says, "You gave up immortality for me. It's like something out of a fairy tale." And back to the kissing.
Night falls. The MoG gather at Spicule's. Angel says, "This may come out a little pretentious, but one of you will betray me." Spicule quickly raises his hand. Angel curtly says that it'll be Wesley. Spicule pouts, "Can I deny you three times?" Hee. Angel says that Vail believes Wesley might "make a play for [Angel's] spot." Wesley says that isn't very flattering, but Angel says that's how Wesley will get an opportunity to kill Vail. Illyria will catch Izzy and three other Thornites at a restaurant they eat at regularly. Gunn will take out Senator Brucker at her campaign headquarters in West L.A. Angel mentions that Brucker "tends to surround herself with vampires." Gunn agreeably says, "I was hopin' it'd be vamps. Haven't dusted nearly enough this year." I agree wholeheartedly. Angel is about to give Spicule his assignment when Spicule interrupts: "I'm not wearing any amulets. No bracelets, brooches, beads, pendants, pins, or rings." He was very thorough, there. But not thorough enough, as we discover when Angel laughs triumphantly and slaps a tiara on Spicule's head. Oh, fine, that didn't happen. But I'll bet Angel has a tiara somewhere. He like shiny things. Anyway, Spicule will kill the Fell Brethren and rescue the baby. Angel adds that Sebassis is the tough one: "[He] has over 40,000 demons at his command. Other members of the Council fear him. He's the key player, so he's mine." Fine, but: "council"? Oops. Or maybe Angel was thinking of the Watchers. There are little clips of the various villains throughout all the planning, in case someone's tuned in late, and none of the clips is really noteworthy except this one: Sebassis is lying in a bubble bath as the carafiend refills his glass with freshly squeezed blood. That's still gross, by the way. Angel turns to Cary, who sighs, "I'm not a fighter, Angel-wings. Never had the stomach for it. Looks like I'm your weak link." Angel says that Cary just has to back up Lindsey. Wesley marvels that Angel asked Lindsey for help. I'm really pleased that Wesley is wearing a turtleneck again here, because I kept forgetting to mention that all of his turtlenecks are a last indication of my incredible precognitive abilities. Hooray for me! Anyway, Angel reassuringly insists that Lindsey's in as much danger as they are.
Cut to Harmony, lying back on a bed, eyes closed, blood trickling from her mouth so that I guess we'll think someone beat her up. A hand moves into the frame and wipes the blood away, and Harmony smiles, "This gets better and better everyday." She sits up happily, and we see that she's in bed with Hamilton. She curls up in his arms with a glass of blood and sighs, "About Angel's secret plan...."
Commercials. The WB tells us what we're watching. Thanks. Another idle thought I kept forgetting to stick in a recap was that they should have played up the idea that Angel's a horrible CEO more this season. Because in past seasons of Angel and Buffy we've learned that he's an awful boyfriend, an awful friend, an awful parent, an awful son...He's not even an effective villain, because he's too busy taunting to do things. So having him be a bad manager would fit, and then in the end the moral could be that Angel just sucks in every way. This is probably a rather heartless joke to make in the recap for the tragic final episode, isn't it? Well, that's fine.
The MoG are still plotting away. Angel says that after the mayhem, they'll meet up in the alley behind the Hyperion. Aw. Angel says, "If we do any damage at all, the Senior Partners are gonna rain hell on us, so be ready." As they start to move out, Cary says, "I'll do this last thing for you, for us, but then I'm out." Cary's wearing a brown leather coat of burgeoning moral qualms, by the way. He says he won't be in the alley afterwards, and that they shouldn't try to find him. Aw. But a sad "aw" this time. Cary exits as Illyria tells Gunn, "Try not to die. You are not unpleasant to my eyes." A slightly confused Gunn tells her to do the same. Gunn and Wesley shake hands at the door, and then Wesley turns and gives Angel The Most Significant Look Ever, followed by a slight I'm Going To Die nod. Out they go. Spicule stops to ask Angel if one of them is going to Shanshu after this if they survive. Angel calmly says, "Who are you kidding? We're not gonna make it through." Spicule replies, "Well, [as] long as it's not you."
Clouds speed across the screen and transition us to...wow, there is a whole thing going on with the weather in this episode, isn't there? I caught the rainy ending as a counterpoint to the insanely bright daylight the first time through, but I didn't realize we got a full meteorological play-by-play instead of blipverts. Sniff. Goodbye, blipverts! I think I'll miss you most of all. We find Vail sitting across a long table from Wesley, slurping down some unpleasant-looking soup. Vail wonders why Wesley feels safe coming to him. Wesley says that Vail has doubts about Angel, "and rightly so." Wesley does a very strange thing with his tongue as he says that Angel's unpredictable. Vail says that Wesley's making a persuasive argument, although he's really just making unsupported allegations. Wesley says, "It gets better," as, under the table, a little glowy magic ball materializes in the palm of his hand.
The Fell Brethren march down a hallway in great big hooded robes. We hear a baby coo, and see that Spicule is "in disguise" in one of the robes. I understand that the big deal with the Thornites isn't that they're so fearsome as individuals, but it'd be nice if they seemed somewhat intelligent, y'know?
At Brucker's campaign headquarters, Brucker is on the phone with a reporter. She says, "If Mr. Conley's recent confession is true, then he's a very sick man." As she goes on, Gunn marches in and starts punching. I'd kinda hoped he'd just drive his truck in through the windows to start things off, but oh well.
The Sahrvin demons are hanging out in a mysterious room, doing something inexplicable involving hookahs and birds. There's a sword-clang from outside, and we see the end of a sword suddenly pop through, as the stark wood splinters from the thrust. Then the door falls in, with a demon guard who's been run through and pinned to it. Lindsey marches in, and we can just glimpse Cary standing outside. That was a pretty cool entrance.
Izzy and his pals walk out from their restaurant to a car. Izzy is careful to pull his tail out of the way as he gets inside. Heh. Close-up of the ignition key turning, which automatically makes me think the car's going to explode, even though I know better. Instead of going boom, the driver turns on the headlights and sees Illyria standing directly in front of the car. She tilts her head. I'm so tired of heads being tilted. Wing, I want the show I recap to have everyone in neck-braces, okay? ["Perfect! I think there's a new ABC drama set in a chiropractor's office." -- Wing Chun]
Angel arrives in the Wolfram & Hart lobby and asks Harmony where Hamilton is. She simpers that he's in the records room, and adds that she's been keeping Hamilton busy. That seems like a sophisticated joke for Harmony. Angel says he'll need his car after he stops by his horrible penthouse.
Horrible penthouse. Angel opens a significant-looking wooden box, and I can't help thinking it's full of jewelry. But no, it's just holding a fancy curved dagger. Then a door clicks, and Hamilton walks into the room asking, "Going out?" Hamilton asks if Angel is taking the dagger along when he visits Sebassis. Angel looks down speculatively at the dagger and starts to swing it, but Hamilton punches Angel and throws him through a window.
Angel soars through the air outside and then crashes down through a skylight that was apparently recently installed in the ceiling over the lobby. Eh, whatever. Gotta get in our fill of breaking glass somehow. Anyway, he kersplats down into the lobby and moans, "Hamilton." Harmony quickly stammers, "He's not my boyfriend! I mean, I certainly didn't betray you!" As Angel gets up, he tells her to drop the act. Harmony insists, "It's not an act! I'm really this nervous!" Ha! Angel says he knew she'd betray him, and Harmony takes offense and insists that she's very loyal. Angel rants, "You betrayed me. You are betraying me now, even as we are talking!" Harmony claims it's only because Angel never had confidence in her. This scene is strange and I don't think it needs to be this long. If they don't want Angel to stake her for some reason, have her run away now. That'd be fine. Angel tells her to get out, and that she's fired. Harmony gets over her shock and asks for a recommendation. Angel says, "It's already in the desk." I assume that it tells her to report to the new offices he set up for after he kills off the MoG and takes over the world. But that's just a theory. Hamilton finally arrives from upstairs as Harmony retrieves her letter and says, "Good luck! Um, may the best man win." She leaves as Hamilton and Angel face each other. After a beat, Angel punches Hamilton in the sternum. Hamilton barely moves under the impact. Angel sighs, "Did that hurt at all?" Hamilton grants, "Little bit," and then lifts Angel off the ground by his neck. Hamilton adds that it's part of the job, and throws Angel through a supporting pillar in the lobby. Which is a change from a wall, at least.
Commercials. Johanna asks, "Is this gonna be like 'Smashed'?" There's something very wrong with her. The WB helpfully informs us that, in just a moment, we'll see the end of the final episode of Angel. Why do they keep doing that? Johanna and I agree that there hasn't been enough senseless violence, but it turns out that there's about to be a whole lot of it, so that's okay. Since this is the last break, I'll just say here that my guess is that if Angel had been renewed, Wesley still would have died, and Cary still would have left, and Lindsey would have joined the MoG. Or pretended to for half a season. Possibly dragging Eve along, unfortunately. And if anyone at ME would like to confirm or refute my theories, there's a shiny nickel in it for you. Maybe more, especially if you confirm them.
Hamilton hauls Angel to his feet, mentions how much effort the Senior Partners have put into Angel, and tosses him up into, yes, a wall. But it's the wall with the "Wolfram & Hart" sign on it, so it's a wall-smash with symbolism. Angel falls onto the catwalk over the lobby, and as Hamilton climbs the stairs he says, "You're gutter trash, and that's where you should have stayed, drinking and whoring your way through an unremarkable life." Someone goes crazy with a hand-held camera again, so that we can admire the bannisters or something. Hamilton expositions some more about how Angel became a hero, and says, "Yet, you still manage to fail everyone around you. Doyle. Cordelia. Fred. They're all gone. Now it's time you followed." I wonder if Angel's strategy was all wrong, and he should have just done whatever Wolfram & Hart wanted, trusting that his usual bad luck would wipe them out. Hamilton yanks Angel up yet again, and asks if Angel really thought he could kill Sebassis. Angel smirks, "No, I think I already did."
Cut to Sebassis in his tub, sipping his glass of blue blood. He looks over and sees the carafiend dead on the floor, with something dribbling out of his mouth, as Angel voice-overs, "I spiked his drink." Flashback to Angel shoving the carafiend away from the table at the Thornite meeting. This time, we see that Angel is wearing a ring with a little needle on the underside when he smacks the carafiend. Then we go back to see Sebassis dropping his glass and dying in his tub.
Angel concludes, "I figure you were the one I needed to be alone with." Hamilton curiously asks, "Why, so I could kill you?" Angel admits that he thought the fight would be going better. Hamilton nods understandingly. (Adam Baldwin is so much fun.) And then Angel is tossed back down to the lobby floor.
Spicule looks down at the Fell Brethren's baby and says, "Hello, Junior." He picks up the baby and turns to see three of the Brethren in the doorway, looking annoyed. And also armed. They tell him to put the baby down, and Spicule looks down at the baby, who shakes his head like he's saying "No." Spicule shakes off the robe and starts fighting. Johanna says that Spicule shouldn't fight while he's holding the baby. A second later she admits that the Brethren don't want to risk hurting the baby, so it probably balances out.
Lindsey is skewering more Sahrvins, and doing a nice backwards spin with a sword. Apparently Christian Kane was really happy to get some more use out of the swordfighting skills he picked up for Secondhand Lions. I had no idea there was any swordfighting in Secondhand Lions, so now I kind of want to see it.
Vail is knocked across the room and crashes onto the floor, along with his syrup dispensers. Wesley blahs, "Your influence on this world is over. The rest of the Circle will wither and die, like you're about to." Wesley must think he's a supervillain now, with all the taunting. He creates another glowy ball in his hand but does nothing with it as Vail starts to get up, grumbling at him. Suddenly, the glowy ball is in Vail's hand. Vail says, "I crap better magic than this. Let me show you what a real wizard can do." Vail gestures, and Wesley is knocked back.
Angel and Hamilton punch each other around. Hamilton asks why Angel keeps fighting, noting that Angel signed his Shanshu away. He says "Shanshu" really mockingly, too, which I like. Angel pants, "People who never care about anything will never understand the people who do." Hamilton knocks Angel across the room and sniffs, "Yeah, but we won't care." Johanna and I giggle. Angel is still lying on the floor as Hamilton strolls over and finds a handy stake-sized bit of plywood. He bends down to stake Angel, and is suddenly punched. Hamilton goes crashing through the windows lining Angel's office. You'd think they'd have stopped bothering to repair those things halfway through the season. And then we see that Hamilton was knocked away by Connor. Yay. That conversation at the coffee shop still sucked, though. Connor helps Angel to get up, and Angel immediately asks why Connor's there. Connor says, "You drop by for a cup of coffee and the world's not ending? Please." Angel makes a funny "d'oh" face.
Brucker is continuing her interview even as Gunn wipes out her staff. You have to admire her dedication. I mean, sure, she's evil and all, but she does have a strong work ethic. Gunn dispatches what appears to be the last henchvamp, and then pulls a little axe out of his hoodie's, um, hood, which is cool. Then he tosses it across the room so that it lands neatly in Brucker's forehead. Which is cooler. Brucker falls down dead. Gunn says, "Looks like you boys are gonna need to find a new candidate." Then he turns, and we see that there are still a half-dozen angry vamps glaring at him. Gunn grumps, "And you wonder why folks don't vote!" He sproings out the wrist-mounted stakes, dusts one vamp, and is punching another when he's yanked off-camera.
Illyria marches down the street, past Izzy's car, which is now a crumpled wreck.
Eve paces nervously in an office. No one cares. Wait, where is she? Is she unaware of the big fight going on in the lobby? I wonder if she knows to stay well back from the windows.
Cary gingerly steps over the ooky demon-bits littering the floor. Lindsey is scrubbing the blood off his hands at the sink, and tells Cary, "I couldn't have done it without that high note in 'MacArthur Park.'" He asks if there's any word about "the rest of the team." Cary sadly says, "For all I know, we are the rest of the team." Lindsey says it's weird for him to say "team," but adds that he likes the feeling. Cary sniffs, "Yeah, today." Lindsey asks if Cary is really quitting. Cary says, "It isn't really my kind of work anymore. It's unsavory." Lindsey thinks it's just getting interesting, and Cary isn't reassured by that. Lindsey asks, "You don't think a man can change?" Cary says that his opinion doesn't matter: "This was Angel's plan." Lindsey offers to sing for him, but Cary says,"I've heard you sing," and suddenly shoots Lindsey twice. Yow. Lindsey wobbles and looks bewildered as Cary sighs, "One last job. You're not part of the solution, Lindsey. You never will be." Lindsey blusters, "You kill me?" He collapses back onto a couch and gasps, "A flunky?" Lindsey's frustration here is awesome. And funny. And very Lindsey. He wheezes and insists, "Angel! Angel kills me. You...Angel...." And so he dies. That was great, and made me laugh and pity Lindsey at the same time. He always wanted to be Angel's nemesis, and he never was more than a gadfly. Poor boy. Bye, Lindsey! Sorry about your hair! Cary sighs, "Good night, folks," and leaves, dropping the gun on the way. Bye, Cary! You were fun, but you probably shouldn't have been a regular.
Vail is holding Wesley off the floor magically as he blusters that Wesley could never kill him with "parlor tricks." Wesley grits, "Then I'll just...have to do this...the old-fashioned way." He opens a switchblade in his hand, and Vail grabs his hand before he can do anything. I gotta believe that this was part of his plan, because even Wesley isn't that incredibly dumb, right? I think. Vail -- heh -- levitates a much bigger knife to him from -- tee hee -- across the room and -- ha ha ha! -- plunges it into Wesley's stomach. Yes! Wesley looks pretty surprised, but forms yet another glowy ball in his free hand. It explodes, and Vail is knocked across the room again, bonking into a wall this time for good measure. Wesley drops to the floor and collapses just as Illyria bursts in. Oh, crap, he's not dead yet. She somehow divines that Wesley is mortally wounded, even though with the black turtleneck and all it just looks like Wesley splashed some blood on his hand. After a moment, Wesley looks at her rather proudly and says, "It was good. That you came." He's totally got a "I raised my girl up right" glow here, which made more sense when I saw a few comments suggesting that he may have seen Illyria as making up for his ineptitude as a Watcher. Illyria says she killed her targets and admits that she felt concerned about Wesley. She Spocks, "But I can't help. You'll be dead within moments." Wesley looks a little surprised as he says, "I know." Me too! Ha! Illyria asks if he'd like her to lie to him now. Wesley -- fading, but not fading quickly enough -- says, "Yes. Thank you, yes." Then there's a little weirdness, since we can see Illyria's catsuited-and-gloved arm holding Wesley's head, and then a Fred-like bare hand moves into the frame to stroke Wesley's cheek. I get the idea, but it does create the impression that Illyria is morphing herself one limb at a time.
Angel turns to Connor, who's just getting up. As Angel tells his son that Hamilton's dead, the building starts shaking and bits of rubble start falling. Connor asks what happens . Angel says that Connor should go home: "This is my fight." Connor starts to accuse Angel of macho bullshit, but someone at the FCC has a voodoo doll and pokes a needle in it so that Connor doubles over in pain before he gets to the naughty word. A large beam crashes down to the floor nearby, to warn them against tempting fate any further. Angel orders Connor to go home again, and Connor protests, "They'll destroy you." Angel says, "As long as you're okay, they can't." This annoyed me a little bit, because...okay, I only knew the vaguest details of the finale until, like, three days before the show aired, and then I just suddenly cracked and read a full summary. And reading that line made me go mmph. But seeing it didn't. And it's not because I knew it was coming, because reading it now makes me go mmph. I think the delivery was just a little too quick and casual. Plus they're immediately interrupted by another chunk of building falling, so there's no real time to process what Angel just said. Oh well. It's still fine, I just wanted to go mmph. Angel tells Connor to go again, and they share the look they should have had just five seconds earlier, and then Connor runs out. Bye, Connor! Sorry about wishing you dead all those times!
The building is all shaky and crumbling as Angel enters whatever office Eve's been hanging out in. He tells her, "It looks like we're getting kicked out of the garden, Eve." Eve grabs Angel's arm and demands to know where Lindsey is. Angel says, "He's not comin' for you." Eve, shocked, gasps, "You..." Angel says it's time to go, and exits. Eve stands in the crumbling office and moans, "Go where?"
It's pouring down rain now as Angel, holding a sword he picked up somewhere along the way, runs into an alley. He kept saying that the Senior Partners were going to rain down wrath on them, but it looks like they're just raining down rain. Angel reaches a fence at the end of the alley without finding anyone. But then Spicule steps out of the shadows with some cuts on his face and reports that nobody else has turned up yet. Angel says, "It's coming," and Spicule says, "Finally got ourselves a decent brawl." I love how the pouring rain makes Spicule's hair even shinier. But imagine what it feels like, with all the gel. Ew! Gunn runs toward them, waving an axe. Gunn calls, "How'd I know the fang-boys would pull through? You're lucky we're on the same side, dogs, 'cause I was on fire tonight." As he comes closer, we see that his shirt is bloodstained, and he almost collapses before Angel and Spicule get to him. They haul him over to a seat on some boxes. Spicule helpfully observes, "You're supposed to wear that red stuff on the inside, Charlie-boy." Gunn pulls a shaking hand out from under his jacket, coated with blood. Sniff. Gunn, shivering, asks if they've heard from Wesley. Illyria suddenly drops down to join them, and reports, "Wesley's dead." Heh. It never stops being funny. Everyone takes a moment to look sad. Illyria continues, "I'm feeling grief for him. I can't seem to control it." There are creepy shrieking noises in the distance as she concludes, "I wish to do more violence!" The noises get closer as Spicule says that wishes are horses today. "Among other things," Angel adds, looking down the alley. There's a very, very quick shot of...well, wrath. There are some regular cloaked baddies in front, and behind them, larger and larger CGI demons marching toward them. At the very back is a colossal beastie of some kind that's several stories tall. Angel looks up, and a dragon flaps over the alley screeching. Gunn gasps, "You take the 30,000 on the left...." Spicule goggles at the approaching army, still looking for that damned ant. Illyria tells Gunn, "You're fading. You'll last ten minutes at best." He'll march no further; time to die. Gunn says, "Then let's make 'em memorable." He stands up weakly, joining the remnants of the Ministers of Grace as they line up in the rainy alley. Aw, man. Bye, Gunn! Call me! Spicule asks if there's a plan. Angel says, "We fight." Spicule asks, "Bit more specific?" The roaring of the approaching hordes gets louder, and that alley must be, like, a mile long. There's another screech as Angel takes a few steps forward and says, "Well, personally, I kinda want to slay the dragon." The demons rush at them, weapons raised. Angel says, "Let's go to work," and swings his sword with a final clang as we go to black.
I wanted, like, two more seconds there of the fight starting. I feel like there wasn't quite time to process what was happening before it wasn't happening anymore. But, all in all? Rock. Oh, immediately after the show, there's a little message from The WB over a nice montage of clips from the show. Johanna gasps in shock because, in some of the clips, she thinks that Angel looks kind of attractive. I explain that when he had the crazy spikey hair, it made his head look smaller. The montage ends with the text, "Thank you, your friends at WB." I bring this up because so many fans reacted with bitter protests that they aren't the WB's friends, which is funny, because it's not aimed at the audience. It's to the people who actually make the show. You can tell because of the way they explicitly say, "To everyone at Angel." But don't let facts get in the way or anything.
Anyway, thanks to the Angel gang from me as well. Five years ago (good lord), I'd never have thought I'd wind up liking the show as much as I did. Shh, don't tell anyone. Thanks also to everyone who read, emailed, posted, and supported the site. And that's it. Bye, Angel.