Props to Willowbrook and sabi.
Dramatic twang on the soundtrack as we zoom in on Gunn and Angel, mid-pedeconference. Gunn's given up on the suits for good, it seems, since he's wearing a hoodie. But he's got a vest over it, so I guess it's okay for the office. He may have gotten even taller, too, because he's a couple of inches taller than Boreanaz in this shot. Am I spending too much time on Gunn's appearance? It doesn't seem like that's possible. Especially this week. Right, Gunn's arguing with Angel about some impending trouble, and pointedly says, "Just don't want to lose another baby with the bathwater." Angel finally agrees to put Spicule on the case. Whatever it is.
But Spicule isn't interested, because he's busy playing some handheld video game in Angel's office. Gunn argues, "This is a delicate matter that needs to be handled with a lot of finesse," and then interrupts himself to wonder why they're giving Spicule this job. Which saves me from asking. Gunn moves on to the exposition, and says that they need to retrieve a demon's body from Italy in order to avert a gang war. The demon is the capo of some demon cult, and he wasn't overly destructive, but if there's a new leader, things will get ugly. However, if the body is returned home within the day, they'll do a ritual to bring him back to life. And then he'll start sleeping with Spicule. Maybe that's why Angel suggested him for this job. Spicule's still protesting when the phone rings. Angel answers and gasps, "What?!" to get everyone's attention. After some more concerned mutterings, he hangs up, and a bored Spicule asks, "What is it this time? Über-vamps? Demon gods? Devil robots?" Angel frowns and says, "It's Buffy." So, worse than all those things, then.
Credits. Which were apparently replaced this week by coded messages reading "We at Mutant Enemy are flag-burning ingrates who are well aware of every opinion held by the many factions of Angel fans online, even though they make up a relatively small portion of our audience, and so we have maliciously crafted this episode in order to offend them, because we've got nothing else to do with our time." I didn't catch that message myself, but judging by the outcry, I can only assume it was there.
When we return, Angel is storming down the hall, Gunn and Spicule in hot pursuit. Spicule wants to know if Buffy's okay, and Angel snaps, "She will be when I get there." He finally turns and says, "The Immortal." Spicule looks crestfallen, and Gunn asks, "Who?" Making Spicule stand between Gunn and Angel is just mean. It looks like he's a fifteen-year-old interrupting a conversation among the adults. Spicule explains that the Immortal is "the foulest evil hell ever vomited forth." So we already know he's a good match for Buffy. Angel explains that the Immortal was seen with Buffy in Rome. Gunn interjects that the demon they need to retrieve is also in Rome. Everyone figures that the Immortal must have killed the demon. Angel adds, "Lures me to Rome, takes out a Slayer and a vampire with a soul." Gunn adds that killing the demon will start a war, and, with some admiration, sighs, "This guy's good." Aw. I'll bet Gunn wishes he were the Immortal's sidekick. Angel tells Harmony to get the jet ready for him, and heads for the elevator. Spicule follows, insisting that he should come along. Angel goes back into Shatner mode as he crabs, "You're only gonna make things worse!" But Spicule gets in the elevator with Angel anyway, saying, "We get the capo's body, we rescue Buffy, we stop the Immortal. It's that simple. Unless he kills you. Which would be sad."
The AngelJet. Angel is complaining that Spicule thinks he'll win Buffy's heart by rescuing her. Spicule smirks, "Like you're not thinkin' the same thing." Angel grunts, "I'm already seeing somebody." Exposition about Nina ensues. Spicule asks whether Nina knows that Angel's "flying halfway around the world to visit his ex." Angel lamely says he meant to call her, and says that he and Nina are "just hangin' out." Well, if she didn't mind Angel taking Spicule on a romantic stroll across the English countryside, she probably won't care about this, right? Spicule grins, "I just wanna see you happy. Well, not too happy, 'cause then I'd have to stake you. Second thought, go at it." Defying all the available evidence, Angel says that this isn't about his rivalry with Spicule, and insists that they have to put aside their differences, which is amusing considering how few differences they have left. Spicule sighs, "Partners, then?" and Angel agrees, "Just like old times." And so, naturally, they start drinking.
Cut to a pile of little bottles of booze on a seatback-table. Save some for me, guys. Angel repeats Spicule's complaint that he can't get drunk off the tiny portions, and tells Spicule, "Drank a lot of 'em and I still don't like you." Spicule asks how Angel found out that Buffy was in trouble. Angel tries to duck the question with vague remarks about a "source," but finally admits that he's had someone keeping an eye on her. Spicule sneers at Angel's stalking-by-proxy, and then asks how many people Angel has watching her. Angel grumbles that there was just one: "But he got spotted. Called me from the hospital after he regained consciousness." Angel asks Spicule if he remembers the last time they were in Italy. Spicule sighs, "Like it were [sic] yesterday."
Sudden black and white shot of a bunch of beatniks against a mod backdrop, while a reworked version of Angelo Badalamenti's "snap along" theme plays. Among the various cool cats stand Spike and Drusilla. Spike's in a suit and wearing sunglasses, and has dark hair. Drusilla's wearing a beret and holding a martini. They, and unseen others, say "Ciao" again and again. I enjoyed that. I've started wondering if the flashbacks showing Spike with different dye jobs was a bit of long-term set-up so that Marsters could stop bleaching his hair without its seeming out of character.
Angel interrupts, "I wasn't in Italy in the '50s!" Spicule says that Angel missed out. Angel agrees that it sounds like an improvement on what he remembers. "1894?" Spicule asks. Angel sighs, "The room of pain."
Cut to bare feet standing in straw. At first, I assume that the feet belong to Drusilla and Darla, because I know they're in this episode. Well, and the smooth, bare legs are clearly women's. So imagine how appalled I am when I discover that the legs belong to Angelus and Spike. Okay, their lack of body hair is creeping me out. They're both dangling from some manacles attached to the roof. Their legs are smooth, and they're doing fine: they're doing nothing at all. They appear to be in their underwear, long shorts or something, and Spike is shirtless. And with the wig making his head look even smaller, now he doesn't even look fifteen. He looks ten. Boreanaz isn't faring much better, since the arms-overhead posture does nothing good for anyone's build -- honestly, try do raise your arms up high and suck in your gut without suffocating. But at least he's wearing a shirt. Angel has apparently just woken up, and he slams his body to one side to jostle Spike into consciousness. The guys start bitching that they'll show that Immortal guy a thing or two. Spike yaps, "He'll curse the day he ever crossed purpose with Angelus!" Oh lord, we're back to Beavis & Butthead Across the Centuries. Angelus and Spicule make with the threats while struggling to get out of the manacles. Unsuccessfully.
Suddenly the door slams open, and an Italian fop enters with his sidefops. Angelus blusters for a while until the fop slaps him across the face with a pair of gloves. Angelus is duly taken aback. The fop unfastens the manacles while saying that the Immortal regrets the inconvenience, "but your recent actions against his concerns merited stiff reprimand." Only with an Italian accent. Kind of. Angelus says, "This is our city. We were here first." Only with an Irish accent. Kind of. The fop explains that, actually, the Immortal was in Rome three hundred years ago: "And now he's back." The fop tells them that they must leave and never return, and that's when a freed Angelus snaps the fop's neck. The sidefops aim crossbows at Angelus, who sneers, "I'll snatch your little wee sticks out of the air and spend the fortnight shoving 'em slowly up your arse[s]." Exit the sidefops. I see the Immortal has the same trouble getting good help that Angel does. Angelus and Spike start getting dressed, thank the lord, while blustering about getting revenge on the Immortal. Angelus has his priorities, though, and says, "There's gonna be a reckoning, after a good meal and a long rest in the arms of --"
"Darla!" Angelus gasps. He's now in the doorway of an apartment. Spike, to him, moans, "What 'ave they done to her?" Darla is lying on the bed with a blanket covering her naughtiness, and some rubble littered around the room. I try to figure out why they look so astonished at the sight of Darla taking a nap. I guess they're reacting to the messy room, which could signal that a fight happened, but since we haven't seen this room before, I was too busy going, "What's the big deal?" to follow that the first time. I mean, if she were dead, she'd look a lot dustier, so at worst she's been knocked unconscious.
Wolfram & Hart. Illyria moseys past some potted plants in the lobby. Actually, it looks a lot like some kind of crazy jungle grass growing to the elevators. Which is odd. Illyria mutters, "I can no longer hear the song of the green." Is she an ancient demon or Jethro Tull, now? In the background, Wesley reminds Cary that Illyria got de-whammified last week. Illyria grumbles, "You revel in my defeat." Wesley asks if she sees it that way. When did he become a Rogerian therapist? Illyria goes on complaining about the crappy body she's in, and it's a shame she didn't get a warranty from Knox before Wesley killed him. Cary offers Illyria a comforting Sea Breeze. Wesley advises Illyria to go back to the lab, and Illyria snits that she doesn't "bend to [his] wishes." Wesley thinks that some more tests might be helpful. How can they test her without Spicule as a punching bag? Oh! Illyria's all grumpy because Angel took her pet away. Illyria finally heads for the lab, sniffing, "I go because it suits me." As long as you go, I don't care what your reasons are. Wesley tells Cary that Illyria's attitude is just her way of overcompensating for feeling powerless. He'd know. Wesley adds that they don't want to "agitate" Illyria, whereupon Cary points at the elevators and gasps, "Burkles!" Wesley turns, and sure enough, Mr. and Mrs. Burkle are aw-shucksing at him. Wesley coldly asks why they're there, and the Burkles explain that they're just paying a surprise visit during a layover on their way to Hawaii. Yeah, I know. They ask where Fred is, and Wesley looks uncomfortable and then invites them into his office. As they head for the office, we see Illyria watching from the upstairs catwalk. Oh my lord, I can't take this. Nobody told Fred's parents that she died?
And we go from that disgusting revelation of the MoG's stupefying assholishness to the Lighthearted Music Of Foreign Wackiness. This episode should have come with airbags. Montage of sped-up file footage of Rome, and then we see Angel and Spicule at the door of Buffy's apartment. The door is opened by Andrew, who is wearing a robe over a Strong Bad t-shirt. Andrew gives Spicule a delighted hug and asks why he's there, while Angel peers around the apartment, clearly hoping to catch a glimpse of Buffy. Andrew explains, "Buffy and Dawn are letting me crash; my casa was incinerated when that thing happened." He invites them in. Angel and Spicule both try to enter at the same time, and get wedged together in the doorway. Ugh. This is when I start cringing. And let me tell you, cringing for half an hour straight is no good for the shoulders. Anyway, Andrew hurriedly shoves some trash out of sight under the couch and says that he has plans later, but that he could give them a tour of the city if there's anything they'd like to see. Angel and Spicule bark, "Buffy!" Andrew hms, "Right, because you two both....Yeah, she's not here." Andrew says that Buffy went off to meet the Immortal. Spicule gasps, "By herself?" Andrew repeats that he already had plans for the evening, adding that Buffy just left. Angel obscurely says, "It could be worse." Andrew agrees, saying, "Most nights they never leave the house. Just curl up on the couch and snuggle." Angel and Spicule blink, and Angel finally asks, "There's...snuggling?" Andrew confirms the snuggling, and then suddenly notices the reaction he's getting and says, "Wait, uh, you didn't know they were together?" Spicule tells Angel, "It's worse!"
Commercials. I call Johanna and shout, "Explain!" She cannot. This is the worst possible combination of stories I've ever seen. So very jarring. Johanna can't believe that nobody told the Burkles about Fred's death: "It's outrageous. And not in a good, Jem and the Holograms way." Plus, as some forum-dwellers have noted, Fred's last request was that Wesley would tell her parents what happened, and that she wasn't scared when she died. I can't believe they're making this part of a farcical episode. I guess they didn't intend the Illyria storyline to be taken as comedic, although the first time through I honestly wasn't sure. You don't ask an audience to go from "awkward moment involving bereaved parents who don't know they're bereaved yet" to "Woohoo! They're stuck in a door! Hilarious!"
When we return, we're back to 1895, and Spike and Angelus have awakened Darla. Angel calls her "my sweet death," and says, "I'd claw my way back from the depths of hell to lay by your side." Aw. They're just so cute. What? They kiss, and then Angelus shoves Darla back and recoils, gasping, "He's tasted you!" Spike supportively says, "That cheeky bastard. Had us tossed and then violates your woman!" Excuse me, but, Angelus can tell that Darla had sex with the Immortal by kissing her? That brings up a lot of questions that I pray are never, ever answered. Angelus asks if the Immortal hurt Darla, and Darla coos, "Not until I asked him to." She gets up, wrapping herself in a blanket, and simpers, "Have you seen him? With the eyes, and the chest, and the...immortality." Spike points out that he and Angelus are immortal, too, but Darla says that the Immortal is different. She says he's "a titan straddling good and evil, serving no master but his own considerable desires." Angelus grumbles, "He's my arch-nemesis." Darla reassures him that "it was just fornication." Spike says that Angelus has been cuckolded, and then Drusilla pops out from a neighboring room, asking, "Time for another pony ride?" Spike takes in Dru's disheveled appearance and shrieks, "Son of a bitch!" Dru makes one of her wavy hand-gestures and sighs, "He felt like sunshine," while Spike has his first, but assuredly not last, nervous breakdown. Angelus and Spike start bitching that the Immortal violated their women. "In succession!" Spike adds. Darla corrects him: "Concurrently." Angelus, pained, says, "You never let us do that." Darla cuddles Dru and suggests that they take a bath "so the boys can weep in private." Drusilla asks, "Will you hold me under the water?" Darla says she will. Ahem. They exit, giggling. Bye! I was so happy that Darla would appear, because it's cool that she got to turn up in all five seasons of the show. But this wasn't much of a swan song. On the other hand, it's kind of a lucky escape for her. Angelus declares that they need to show the Immortal whom he's dealing with: "I think it's time for blood vengeance."
Cut to Spike and Angelus dealing with some kind of nineteenth-century bouncer. I don't know. Just try to roll with it. Angelus says, "I'm sure we're on the list. Is there anything under 'Blood Vengeance'?" There is not. Angelus and Spike get mad and try to rush past the bouncer. And so they get bounced. As they back away, Angelus sighs, "He mocks us at every turn." Spike expositions about a encounter with the Immortal in Frankfurt, when the Immortal gave safe passage to some nuns. Angelus blusters, "Those were my nuns!" Spike agrees: "Nuns are your thing! Everybody knows that!" Now, I've heard a lot of complaints about character continuity in the past week, but look, they're kind of stuck with this. We know Spike had some kind of hero-worship thing for Angelus, and we certainly know that Angelus was pretty dumb, so logically, Spike has to be an even more gigantic twit or the whole thing falls apart. So, they go on complaining, and Angelus shouts, "This isn't over, Immortal! This'll never be over!"
Spicule sighs, "It's over." He and Angel are in an as-yet unidentified room. A demonic butler whose ears are on his cheeks lurks in the background. I'm calling him Brighella. Angel comforts himself, "At least I have a girlfriend." Then he and Spicule start bitching about the Immortal again. Angel grumbles, "[Buffy'd] never fall for a centuries-old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil!" Sigh. It's really hard to recap something that's supposed to be funny if you don't find it funny. You end up just saying "They make a joke that I don't laugh at here." Bleh. So yeah, meta-humor ensues. You know, if they really want to break up Buffy and the Immortal, it seems like the way to do it is to tell her that the Immortal slept with Darla. And Drusilla. I think Buffy would freak out at that. Spike declares that Buffy must be under a spell, and Angel quickly agrees. They decide that after they've picked up the capo's body, they'll "find the Immortal and break his whammy." Then a demonic maid -- who I'm calling Smeraldina because that is just an awesome name -- enters with a bowling-ball bag. She thanks Angel for taking care of the capo. We go to a capo's-eye-view from inside the bag as Angel peers inside and says, "This is just his head!" See, because "capo" means "head." That's dumb, but I think we're all aware that I like dumb jokes. Smeraldina explains, "When a Goren demon becomes heavy with-a the age, his head sag and drop off like a ripe-a fig." Angel confirms that the new body will hatch out of the head. Smeraldina reminds them to get the head back to Los Angeles quickly. They go all the way to Italy and they don't run into a witch? I'm a little hurt.
Andrew opens the door to find Spike and Angel again. Now Andrew has a pore-strip on his nose. Heh. Angel asks if Buffy's back. Andrew sighs that it's only 8:30. Angel asks if Andrew knows where Buffy and the Immortal went.
Wesley's office. The Burkles ooh and aah at the offices and are generally folksy. I don't understand! The Burkles are very sweet, and are the only sane set of parents we've ever seen on either show. So I'm just cringing and wondering if I'm supposed to think it's funny that they don't know that Fred died, or if I'm supposed to sympathize with them, or with Wesley, or what. I don't understaaaaand. I hate this subplot so much! If I had time, I'd watch the episode without these scenes to see if it worked better that way. Just when I think I'm done ranting, the Burkles mention how they've heard so much about the MoG from Fred, and I start wondering how often the Burkles normally talk to Fred. I mean, you'd think it'd be every week or two, right? She's their only child! Have they been leaving messages for her at home and at work without wondering why Fred never returned their calls? Did the MoG just leave Fred's answering machine on to collect messages from her relatives? Could someone please make this make sense? God. Wesley finally says, "There's something you need to know," and takes a deep breath, and he's just going to tell them without any warning at all, isn't he? But he's interrupted by Fred's voice, saying, "Mom?" And there's Illyria, looking just like Fred, rushing over to embrace the Burkles. Wesley stares, perhaps thinking that he picked the wrong week to try to be sane. Lord knows I did.
Angel and Spicule shove their way through the crowd at a disco. Angel grumbles, "Dancing. Why'd it have to be dancing?" They make their way to the bar and confirm that the bartender speaks English. Angel says they're looking for a friend, and mention the Immortal. The bartender says that the Immortal and his "new ragazza" are on the dance floor, and points them out. Angel and Spicule turn, and we see a blonde tossing her hair about while dancing with a man whose back is to us. Spicule tells Angel to "hold down the fort [sic]," and marches off. Angel follows, leaving the bag o' capo on the bar. Gee, you think it's gonna get stolen? I could cope with this a lot better if the plot were funny, or unpredictable, or, ideally, both. Anyway, Angel chases after Spicule and says that Spicule's trying to be heroic so that Buffy will take him back. Spicule insists that he knows he never had a chance with Buffy, and adds, "I'm not gonna let her end up with a jerk like the Immortal. Or you." Angel insists, "Ours is a forever love." Ha! Okay, I liked that one. Spicule argues that he had a relationship with Buffy, and Angel says that sex isn't a relationship. Spicule says, "It is if you do it enough times." Angel finally remembers the capo, and they look back at the bar, where they see Brighella picking up the bag. Angel and Spicule dash over to stop Brighella, but are quickly surrounded by goons. Angel asks if they can talk about this "over a nice Amaretto," which sounds like a fantastic idea. Mmm. One of the goon punches him. So that's a no, then.
Commercials. I call Johanna and shout, "Explain!" She cannot. I will say that I was originally very confused by Greenwalt's comments about how this episode was like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, because to me that means we see the heroes from a minor character's point of view, and we don't. But I think he meant that, in this episode, Angel and Spike are the minor characters; the Immortal is the hero. Which is an interesting concept, but I still don't think it worked very well because there's no other context for the Immortal. Maybe they should have made more use of Andrew as a framing device. I don't know.
When we return, there's a slo-mo fight among Angel, Spicule and the goons, while Dean Martin sings "Take Me In Your Arms." Spicule accidentally punches Angel as Dino sings "Now he'd like to say I'm sorry...," which is cute. Angel punches Spicule, and then they punch each other in unison one more time as we finally return to normal speed. Spicule explains his mistake by shouting, "It's very loud in here!" Heh. They look around and realize that Brighella is ducking out the door with the bag o' capo.
Angel and Spicule rush out into the deserted street outside the bustling club in Rome at, what, 9 PM. Whatever. They're jump out of the way when Brighella zooms past them in little red sports car. Spicule runs over and hops onto a convenient Vespa as Angel blusters, "He's got our car!" Spicule tells Angel to get on back of the Vespa. Angel reluctantly does so instead of just stealing his own, even though there are several more parked by the door.
I kept wishing for a car chase on this show, and I never really got one. I don't think this counts, either. We see the sports car racing around corners, and then we see the Vespa struggling under the weight of Angel and Spicule. It's a pretty long sequence, which is nice, because there's nothing to describe, really, so I'll just let them drive around and free-associate. Hey, I read this great comic about a gorilla superspy who has an exploding tuxedo. It's awesome. Matt Fraction should get a TV show. I wish there were an exploding tuxedo in this. Oh, the chase is over. They tried to block the street with the Vespa, and of course Brighella just plowed into them, smashing the Vespa, and then drove off. Angel and Spicule blame each other for a while, and then Spicule says that they only have twelve hours left to get the bag o' capo back to L.A.. Angel agrees that it's time to get serious -- no more distractions.
Cut to Angel and Spicule, back in the disco, asking the bartender if Buffy's still there. She says that Buffy and the Immortal left. Spicule grouses, "Every time [the Immortal] shows up, I either lose my girl, get beaten by an angry mob, or get thrown in prison for tax evasion." Off Angel's look, he adds, "Long story." Angel insists that things are different now, and says that if they had all their resources with them in Rome, the Immortal would be in trouble. Spicule, terrifyingly, gets an idea, and asks if there's a Wolfram & Hart branch office in Rome.
Soothing music plays as Angel and Spicule arrive at the Rome offices. Which are exactly like the Los Angeles offices, except that almost everyone is smoking. Great, now even Gunn is an idiot. Why'd he need to send anyone to retrieve the head, delaying the recovery until Angel and Spicule got to Rome, when he could have just called the Roman office and asked them to take care of it? A woman named Ilona, in a cleavage-intensive dress, ciaos at them and greets them with kisses on the cheek. She calls Angel "Angelo," and he corrects her, which leads her to say, "Ah yes, the Gypsies, they gave you your soul. The Gypsies are filthy people!" She spits dramatically for emphasis before adding, "And we shall speak of them no more!" I like spit humor. It's odd that the lowbrow humor is working better for me than the other stuff. Ilona says she'll give them whatever they need, and giggles enthusiastically before leading them into her office.
Illyria, still posing as Fred, leads the Burkles into the lab. Wesley tags along, looking grim. Mrs. Burkle encourages Wesley to date Fred. See, it's funny, because Mrs. Burkle doesn't know that her daughter is dead! Ha ha ha! Or it's not funny, and it doesn't fit with this episode. Pick one. As the Burkles check out Fred's office, Wesley pulls Illyria back and demands to know what she's doing. Illyria lets her voice drop to her normal tones as she explains that Wesley's gloom is annoying enough without her having to deal with the Burkles as well. Of course, if she hadn't posed as Fred, Wesley would have told the Burkles that Fred was dead. I guess I shouldn't assume that he'd do the sane thing, but I have to believe he wouldn't bring Illyria in to meet them, all, "And this is the ancient demon that killed your daughter and is now trapped inside her body, isn't she swell?" Illyria wouldn't have had to put up with their mourning if she'd just stayed out of it, so her explanation isn't one, and this plotline actually makes less sense than the stuff with the Immortal and the head. Which is impressive. Illyria explains her changed appearance as "a simple modulation of [her] form." Fine. She asks if Wesley wants her to stop, and Mrs. Burkle calls down to complain about the lack of decorations in the office. Then Mrs. Burkle notices the tension between Wesley and Illyria, and asks if everything's okay. Wesley says it is, and Illyria gets her Fred on as she turns and perks, "Absotively!"
Roman Wolfram & Hart. Angel and Spicule tells Ilona that a friend of theirs is under a spell. Spicule adds, "Cast by the vilest wretch this side of Mount Everest. Which I'm told he has climbed. Several times." Angel mentions the Immortal, and Ilona starts singing the Immortal's praises. She adds that Buffy can't be under a spell, because the Immortal doesn't use spells: "He considers them dirty. Dirty tricks for dirty people. Like Gypsies." And she spits again. They need spittoons. Angel says they need to do research, and asks if they have "like an Italian Wesley here." What a terrifying idea. Ilona says that their version of Wesley is taking a nap, and repeats that the Immortal doesn't truck with magic. She also suggests that the bag o' capo seems more important than breaking up Buffy and the Immortal, and says that they've already gotten a ransom demand for the bag o' capo. The exchange is set to take place in less than an hour. Angel and Spicule figure they'll need an assault team and lots of guns, and I perk up because maybe a big fight with explosions will make everything better. But Ilona nixes the show of force, saying that they're used to handling such trades. She shows them a briefcase full of money, and Spicule asks "Who's making the drop?"
Cut to Angel and Spicule, with the briefcase, standing by a fountain. Angel grumbles that he helped save the world, which sets off another round of bickering. Angel says, "I helped kill the Mayor, and, uh, and Jasmine, and...." Spicule asks if those things really count as saving the world. Angel retorts that he stopped Acathla, and Spicule testily says, "Buffy ran you through with a sword." Angel sneers, "Yeah, but I made her do it. I signaled her with my eyes." Ha! Spicule doesn't even bother with that one, and says, "She killed you! I helped her; that one counts as mine." Angel says that his point is that they're both better than the Immortal, and snaps, "What the hell does Buffy see in him?" Brighella steps out of a car and suggests that Buffy likes "the cut of [the Immortal's] trousers" as goons surround them.
The Burkles are at the elevator, ready to leave, and apologizing for their unexpected visit. Illyria says she's sad they can't stay longer. The Burkles hug Illyria, and Mrs. Burkle says, "You seem different somehow." More hugging, and as they exit Mr. Burkle says, "We'll talk soon!" See? What are they doing when Fred's parents call? God! Exit the Burkles, and the last chance of finding any of these people admirable or at all likable. As the elevator doors close, Wesley growls, "Did you get what you needed from that experience?" Illyria goes back to her head-tilty ways as she says that it was informative. Wesley replies, "Good. Don't ever do it again!" and stomps off to an inexplicable dramatic chord.
Brighella taunts Angel and Spicule about losing Buffy to the Immortal. The boys immediately figure that Brighella is working for the Immortal, and in on his devious plan. Brighella says he should be so lucky, and dreamily describes the Immortal as a wild card and "a stallion without the bridle." Spicule sniffs, "What, are you in love with him?" and Brighella says "No, no, no...well, okay, yes." Brighella asks if they've read the Immortal's book. Angel says he's getting tired of Italy, and with that he and Spicule attack the goons. Brighella sighs, "Oh, look, the Americans are relying on violence to solve-a their problems. What a surprise." When Angel and Spicule rush Brighella, he tosses the bag o' capo to another goon, and then...do I have to talk about this? Fine. Then the goons play keep-away with the bag o' capo while Angel and Spicule run around uselessly. Let's not dwell on it. Eventually, the bag o' capo lands back in Brighella's hands, and he pulls out a gun, aims it at the bag, and demands the ransom. Finally. Spicule hands over the money, and grabs the bag. As Brighella and goons exit, Spicule and Angel go back to grumbling for a while, and finally look inside the bag only to discover that it contains a bomb with a timer at four seconds.
Commercials. I call Johanna and shout, "Explain!" She still can't do it. I threaten to fire her, and she points out that I don't actually pay her. I pretend not to hear that, and say that I'm not going to fire her only because she'd probably be grateful to be free of this show. She repeats that I don't pay her, and then I say "La la la la la" until the show comes back on.
We return to discover Angel and Spicule in the street, post-explosion. Goddammit! We didn't get to stuff go boom! No kick, no 'splode! Oh, fine, it's kind of funny, because the guys' clothes are now riddled with enough holes to qualify as lace, and there are a few small fires, but I've had a lot of caffeine and I wanted to see a big fireball. Grump. Spicule starts bitching that his jacket has been ruined, and when Angel is less than sympathetic, he whines, "You have no idea what I went through to get this." Angel retorts, "You stripped it off a body of a dead Slayer." Spicule says that's what gives it sentimental value. Angel stomps off, and Spicule trails behind him, blaming the loss of his coat on the Immortal. Apparently this exchange was one of the things that was taken as a mean-spirited attack on the fans. Yeah, I dunno either, but that's a funnier idea than anything in this scene.
Wolfram & Hart's Roman offices. Ilona is presenting Spicule with a brand-new coat, just like the old one, and says she's sent ten more to Los Angeles for him, along with a selection of shoes. Angel enters, and it's not possible to cringe more than I already am, so I'm forced to resort to a full-body recoil. I'm a professional, though, so please don't watch this scene without a spotter. Ilona has seen fit to give him a godawful white motorcycle jacket with a jazzy red design that makes him look approximately eight feet wide. Angel looks as uncomfortable as I suddenly feel. He briefly explains what happened with the bag o' capo, and Ilona chuckles, "They always do that to first-timers in this country." Angel and Spicule figure that now's the time for the assault teams, but Ilona says that force isn't the answer. She leads them toward the door while assuring them that she'll take care of it and that they should put their faith in a higher power. As she closes her office doors, Angel argues, "We don't need a higher power. We make our own fate!" He rattles the doorknob and pounds on the door while continuing to protest. Good lord, Angel's forgotten how to break down a door. Is he okay? After a few minutes of that, Angel leans back against the door and sighs, "Shall we just go home?" Spicule agrees.
Cut to a freshly-showered Andrew opening his door to Spicule and Angel yet again. Angel's still wearing the horrible jacket. Make him stop! Andrew reports that Buffy isn't home yet. Spicule asks if Buffy has been acting as if she's under a spell. Andrew says, "Excellent question...No!" Andrew vanishes into another room while Angel and Spicule go on wondering whether Buffy's under the influence of mind control or a love potion. Andrew calls back to say that no, Buffy just genuinely loves the Immortal. Angel gets a good rapid-fire rant that I'll quote in full: "But she's not finished baking yet! I've gotta wait till she's done baking, y'know, so she can find herself, 'cause that's the drill, fine. I'm waiting patiently and meanwhile the Immortal's eating cookie dough!" As noted by many, Angel's exasperation doesn't make a lot of sense since...well, it's not like Whedon's poetic metaphor is the only thing keeping him from Buffy. But points for the complete meltdown, there. Angel concludes his speech by sitting down suddenly and covering his eyes. Andrew calls from the other room to ask, "Is Angel crying?" Spicule very supportively says, "No!" and then looks at Angel and adds, "Not yet!" in exactly the same supportive tone, which is also funny. I still don't like a lot of the jokes, but I swear this episode's grade was halved by the insanity of the Illyria storyline. Andrew, still in the other room, insists that Angel shouldn't get so worked up, because the Immortal has his flaws. Angel hops to his feet as Spicule eagerly asks, "What are they?" Andrew sighs, and you've got to be impressed by a guy who can sigh loudly enough to be heard in another room. Although there were times in this episode when I think my sighs were audible in neighboring states. Still. Andrew says that Buffy has moved on, and that maybe if Spicule and Angel do the same, they'll "catch her one day. One of [them], anyway." Ew. He concludes, "You keep running in place, you're gonna find she's long gone." Spicule admits that they've been acting like idiots. Which, yeah. Andrew adds that Buffy loves them both in her own highly solipsistic way, and says, "People change." And then Andrew marches out in a tuxedo, with his hair slicked back. I guess this is supposed to be revelatory. I just want him to shout, "Activate exploding tuxedo!" But he's not going to, is he? Curses. There's a knock at the door, and Andrew opens it to reveal two babes. Of the female variety. Cue the music of wackiness as Andrew greets the babes and turns to Spicule and Angel for a final, "Ciao," before leaving.
Wesley's office. Illyria, still in Fred-mode, pops into the office and asks Wesley, "Are you, like, mad at me or something?" Oh, look, Illyria strikes the same awkward pose in high heels that Fred did. Why do they make her wear those miniskirts? Wesley snaps, "Stop it." Illyria goes into her low, demonic voice to suggest that this is what Wesley wants. Then she perks back up into Fredness and gibbers that they love each other. Wesley continues looking away from Illyria as he says, "I loved her." Illyria, in her normal voice, says, "You loved this. And part of you still does. I can feel it in you. I...wish to explore it further." Okay, weirdest come-on ever. Wesley finally gets up and turns to face her as he says, "Never! You? Like this?" Maybe if she made herself look like Lilah dressed up like Fred? Wesley continues, "It sickens me." Okay, so maybe not. Illyria gets her Fred on again to twang, "Oh lord, we both know that ain't true." Wesley tells her to change back to her usual appearance. See, I could almost find this part of the story interesting if it weren't caught up in the madcap rompiness of Rome and the completely horrible "let's screw with the Burkles" story. Because the question is, how fucked-up is Wesley, exactly? I'm betting "lots." With a final, "Don't be her. Don't ever be her." Wesley leaves. Illyria morphs back to her blue-haired appearance and says, "As you wish," which confuses me all over again. I mean, yeah, with the thing earlier about not obeying his wishes, but what is with the Princess Bride shtick?
Gunn -- hey, remember Gunn? Turns out he didn't die off-camera while the Burkles were visiting. Anyway, Gunn signs a form as Angel and Spicule arrive in the lobby. Angel ditched the horrible jacket somewhere along the line. Praise the lord. Angel tells Gunn that they don't have the head, so they need to get ready for the demon gang war. Gunn reports that the bag o' capo is in Angel's office already.
Angel and Spicule enter Angel's office, and see the bag o' capo on the desk with a little card tucked into the zipper. The strings of impending hilarity tweedle. Angel pulls out the card and reads, "With regards, the Immortal." Then Angel rips the card into bits while saying, "Y'know, I really hate that guy!" Spicule wonders what Buffy could be thinking. Angel sniffs, "She doesn't exactly have the best taste in men. Case in point...." Spicule "Hey"s, and they bitch at each other yet again. Finally Spicule asks, "Can't we just lock her away in a box, where no one can ever touch her, y'know, like we did with Pavayne?" Angel gives the idea some serious consideration before deciding that Buffy wouldn't allow them to do it. I love the idea that he thought, "Maybe she'd go along with it! No, guess not. Rats." Spicule suggests using a spell, and Angel nixes that, too, saying that Buffy is pretty smart. I goggle at the idea that Buffy is smart, and then I remember that this is Angel, and so she is, comparatively. What's funnier is that when I talked to Johanna, she had exactly the same reaction to that line: "Buffy's not smart! Oh, but from Angel's perspective she is. Okay." Angel and Spicule sit on the edge of the desk as they agree that they should just get on with their lives now. The camera pops into wider shots as they unconvincingly say different versions of "Moving on," to each other.