Props to Exotic Mushroom and scrappinphool.
We open in an unidentified flashback to Fred getting ready to leave her suburban home for "the graduate Physics program at UCLA." It's the thematic equivalent of a Bulwer-Lytton opening. Her parents, Roger and Trish, are nervous about her leaving for the big awful city. Fred tells her dad, "I love you like pancakes." With lots of sweet, sweet syrup, right? Roger bitches about the big awful city. Fred says, "It's Los Angeles, the city of angels!" Roger retorts, "And if you meet one angel there, I'll eat the dog." Har dee har har. He bitches about the big awful city some more as he leaves. Fred and Trish talk about some mysterious Bethany person whom Fred will apparently be staying with when she arrives in the big awful city. Fred reassures Trish, and then rushes over to pack up "Feigenbaum," her -- and I'm not making this up -- beloved stuffed bunny rabbit. Just in case we harbored any illusions about Fred's emotional age. Or Whedon's. There's also a big white hat hanging on the wall. More on this later. Fred reassures her mom some more about how she's gonna study her little heart out, adding "And I'll be careful. I'll even be dull, boring. Cross my heart."
Cut to Fred incinerating wall-hugging demon eggs in a sewer with a blowtorch. Yeah, but this is subtle compared to what happens later. One egg starts to open up without Fred's spotting it. And then it explodes when Wesley fires a shotgun at it. Fred says, "We got the nest," and Wesley says that the others are finishing a sweep. Fred says that the demons "reproduce by vomiting up crystals that attract and mutate the microbes around them to form eggs." Wesley whispers, "Are you trying to turn me on?" I begin to suspect that this may not be as good an episode as it sounded from the summary. Fred says the roaring fire and "snug little nest" are romantic. They kiss while romantic music plays because WE WILL FEEL SAD LATER. We WILL. Obey, or Whedon will go house-to-house and kill our pets. Then we hear Angel complaining nearby, and Spicule replying, "It was on your back, what was I supposed to do?" Spicule enters, followed by Angel, who suggests, "Ask me to turn around?" Angel has a sword plunged through his torso, and from the side protruding from his back dangles a little dead demon. Aw, poor little dead demon. Weep for him! Weep, you bastards! Oh, wait, sorry, I got confused about who we're supposed to feel bad about. Bear with me. Angel says that Spicule just likes stabbing him, and Spicule retorts, "I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments." Angel wheels and sniffs, "We only asked you along because we felt sorry for you!" Spicule tells Angel to stop whining, and starts to climb a ladder out of the sewer. Fred hurries over to Angel, and he reassures her that he's okay. Fred apologetically explains that she just wants to retrieve the dead demon: "Always like a new specimen!"
Cut to a sarcophagus being wheeled into the lab. I hope it contains a fresh batch of ironic juxtapositions, because we're going to need them. Knox tells the delivery guy that "Ancient Relics" is two floors down. The stern delivery guy says it's supposed to go to Winifred Burkle, and leaves. Close-up of the traditional mystic markings and magical rocks on the top of the sarcophagus.
Credits. I call Johanna and say, "Fred and Wesley are gross." She replies, "But Angel and Spicule are cute!" I wonder whether anyone was confused by the bizarre little flashback at the top of the show, and what the hell the point of it was, really. Later, I learn that my mother, at least, was confused, because she assumed she was watching the last few minutes of Smallville until she recognized Amy Acker.
Gunn's singing "Three Little Maids from School Are We" while picking up a fax in his office. As he bops around his office, he notices Wesley wandering over, and abruptly starts rapping: "All the ladies in the...gangsta butt...go...." Hee. He gives up and asks what Wesley wants. Wesley asks why Gunn is "unutterably cheery." Take note: Gunn is so cheery it can't even be uttered. Gunn tells Wesley that he's gotta be honest, and grins, "Fred and I are getting back together!" Wesley stares blankly while Gunn explains that Fred called him after the fight last night, and he went to her place and they talked all night. He winds up by saying, "All of a sudd-- I can't even keep this up because your face is gonna make me weep. Wes, I am so messin' with you." Wesley's body sags with relief as he tries to chuckle, and then asks if Gunn knows about his relationship with Fred. Gunn says, "It's on every Blackberry in the building." You know why the entire staff of Wolfram & Hart cares? Because that's how fucking lovable and interesting Fred is. Wesley asks if Gunn's okay with it, and Gunn says, "Last year you wouldn't have asked me that question. The man becomes civilized!" Er, okay. Gunn adds that it's fine with him, adding, "Our thing's long done, and I know how you feel about her." Wesley thanks him, and Gunn adds, "You ever hurt her, and I'm gonna kill you like a chicken." Moving on, finally, Wesley asks what Gunn was working on before he made "that tasteless and horrible joke at [Wesley's] expense." Gunn announces that he's got information on Lindsey. Gunn says, "He can hide from the Senior Partners, but not from the DWP." He hands over a lease for the place where Lindsey was living, "under the name Doyle." And then we see a shot of the lease, which clearly says "Lindsey McDonald" at the top. Okay, maybe the props department messed up, fine, but if that happens, maybe you shouldn't show the prop in a close-up. Gunn says they might find out more about Lindsey's schemes by checking the apartment, or something. Wesley suggests that Angel should know about this, and Gunn encourages Wesley to tell him.
Cut to Spicule saying, "It's bollocks, Angel! It's your brand of bollocks, from first to last." For the precise duration of that line, the "Written and Directed by Joss Whedon" credit is on-screen. Sometimes this show recaps itself. Spicule is even gesturing directly at the camera and waving his hand over the text. It's just perfect. Angel huffs that Spicule can't see the big picture, and Spicule enthuses about "brutal animal instinct." Angel marches into Spicule's personal space and ends up about an inch from Spicule's nose as he shouts, "You know, the human race has evolved!" Spicule makes amusing hand gestures as he says that humanity is "a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers," and Angel interrupts to talk about teamwork and "the superstitious terror of your 'pure aggressors'!" He makes airquotes there, which loses him some serious points in the debate. Spicule says, "You just want it to be the way you want it to be." Well, who doesn't? Angel gets back in Spike's face and snaps, "It's not about what I want!" although the "what I want" comes out as one crazy Shatneresque word. Wesley ahems to interrupt, and asks if there's a problem the others should know about. Angel says it was a theoretical argument. Spicule hesitates, and finally blurts, "Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?" Behind Spicule, Angel nods a little and raises his eyebrows like, "C'mon, Wesley, tell him." I liked that bit. Wesley hesitates and confirms that they've really been arguing about this for forty minutes. Beat. Then he folds his arms and asks, "Do the astronauts have weapons?" Angel and Spicule quickly answer, "No!"
Fred and Knox are in the lab, talking about the sarcophagus. Knox says that there wasn't an invoice, so he thought she "went crazy on eBay." Fred says, "After that commemorative plate incident, I'm living clean," and asks if Knox has technobabbled. He has, and the technobabble is inconclusive, as always. Fred doesn't want to open the sarcophagus, noting that it probably just contains a mummy. Knox says, "Mummies can be a lot more trouble than you'd think. And you're seeing Wesley now." Fred stammers, and Knox says he didn't want to make her uncomfortable, he just wanted to clear the air. He says, "I love working with you, and that's plenty." Fred coos at how sweet Knox is, and Knox suggests putting a HazMat team on the sarcophagus. He exits, and Fred stares at the sarcophagus some more. Then she zones out and reaches out to touch one of the crystals embedded in the lid. When she does, a little hole opens up in the lid's design, and a whoosh of air is blasted into Fred's face. Fred coughs and gasps as the lid reseals and the camera goes out of focus because that's artsy or some shit. Knox bursts in asking what happened, and Fred explains, adding, "That was odd."
Spicule marches into Angel's office and straight over a chair, which I also kind of liked. Yes, there are several three-second intervals in this episode that I enjoyed. And a few portions that are even longer than that. Spicule sits down while complaining that Harmony dragged him out of a poker game, pausing to note, "All the guys down there agree that astronauts don't stand a chance against cavemen, so don't even start." Angel says, "You and me, this isn't working out." Spicule asks if they should start annoying other people. Heh. Angel tells Spicule that he should leave, and explains his theory: "Lindsey brought you back as a spirit bound to this place so you'd become invested in it. He only made you corporeal again once you'd gotten used to it, attached to it." He just wants Spicule to go away so he can have the Amulet of Assitude all to himself. Spicule insists that he isn't "attached," and grumpily admits, "I just don't have anywhere else to go." Angel offers to use Wolfram & Hart's resources to transfer Spicule anywhere he'd like, all expenses paid: "You fight the good fight, but in style. And if possible, in Outer Mongolia." Spicule's intrigued by the idea. So now Angel runs all of Wolfram & Hart, not just the local branch? I know it's a bit late now, but maybe Mutant Enemy should consider having a show bible or something to help them keep their facts straight.
Fred and Cary are pedeconferencing along the catwalk as Fred says, "But that doesn't make any sense." Seriously, is all the meta-dialogue intentional? She adds, "The cavemen have fire, that's what they live with in their cave. The astronauts should at least have some sort of weapon." Well, that's stupid, because the -- dammit, I refuse to think about this! Wesley meets them on the staircase, and he and Fred coo at each other. Fred mentions that she just paid a visit to medical after inhaling sarcophagus fumes, but that she's fine. Wesley asks if he can take Fred out, and when she asks where to, he says, "Can it be a secret?" If he's stopping by a hardware store first, say no, Fred. Cary sheeshes at the lovebirds and squeezes past them to go downstairs. Fred asks if Cary's still planning to have lunch with her, and Cary obscurely says, "I'll just look where the sun shines." Then he starts singing "You Are My Sunshine" as he continues downstairs. Fred turns back to Wesley and simpers, "You make me happy...." Cary whips around and stares at Fred, horrified. Fred spits blood at Wesley, hee. And then she collapses, falling very nicely into Cary's arms. Well, that was cool. And she actually has a decent outfit on for once, too. Maybe that was her big mistake. Cary and Wesley hold a twitching Fred while Wesley screams for a doctor.
Commercials. I'd mentioned the astronaut-caveman argument to Johanna a long time ago. When I call, Johanna says that the cavemen would win. I say, "But they're in groups! I thought it was one on one, but if there are groups I say astronauts."
When we return, Fred's in bed in some kind of Wolfram & Hart clinic. The rest of the cast, and Knox, surround her bed. Fred moans, "It's my boys [sic]," and makes a dumb joke. Angel says that the lab is checking her blood, and Fred says, "I'm a mummy, aren't I?" Spicule says, "I've fought plenty of mummies, and none of them were as pretty as you." After a beat, he amends that: "Almost none." Fred correctly notes that they're all being too nice to her, and asks what's wrong with her. Gunn tells her that she's sick. Helpful lad. Knox adds that they're studying the sarcophagus. Fred has a moment of clarity and realizes that the MoG are, essentially, clueless. Angel assures her that they'll figure it out. Fred writes her own epitaph: "Handsome man saves me." Angel whispers, "That's how it works." Yes, that pretty well sums up her role on the show, doesn't it? Maybe she's dying of shame. Well, to be fair, sometimes the handsome men prevent her from doing anything. And she did get to be self-sufficient three whole times, making her about as useful as Xander. Anyway. Angel says they should get to work, and everyone but Wesley exits. Wesley sits on the bed and holds Fred's hand until she says he has to "go be Book Man." Wesley says she can page him and he'll be there "in a heartbeat." Fred whispers, "Assuming I still have one." Apparently noble suffering looks a lot like passive-aggression. Wesley kisses her on the forehead as he gets up to leave.
Angel and Spicule watch from the doorway, because, I don't know, they're creepy. Angel asks, "Wes and Fred?" Spicule replies, "You didn't know?" This scene sure seems like it was meant to be a funny "clueless Angel" bit, which would be fine, but they're being gruff and serious and so it's not funny, it's just pointless.
Suddenly the MoG (and still Knox) are pedeconferencing along the catwalk and down the stairs, exchanging rapid-fire exposition which is basically repeating what they said in the scene: they don't know what's wrong with Fred. Knox can't match her disease to anything in Wolfram & Hart's archives. Wesley's investigating the symbols on the sarcophagus. As they arrive in the lobby, they stop and form a circle so that the camera can whirl around and around and around and around till I want to puke. Angel nervously explains that, according to the doctors, Fred's hosting a "parasitic agent." He gulps and adds, "Her organs are cooking. In a day's time, they'll liquify." Spicule stares and says, "No. Not this girl. Not this day." What? Is Wednesday not a good day for horrible deaths? Would tomorrow be better? The camera won't stop spinning as Knox says that they don't even know who sent the sarcophagus to them. Cary wonders if the Senior Partners are responsible, and Gunn offers to go to the White Room. Spicule suggests that this could be another magical mail bomb from Lindsey. Angel notes that they have Lindsey's address now, and adds, "For all we know, he's probably sitting there, laughing." So, is Angel suddenly less sure that the Senior Partners disapproved of Lindsey's behavior? That's fine, but is there some, y'know, reason he's changed his mind about that? Anyway, Angel will check out Lindsey's place. Spicule offers to go along, and so does Cary, "in case anybody feels like singing." And then! Christ. Angel says, "Guys..." and Wesley interrupts, "You don't have to say it." I wholeheartedly agree with Wesley for once, but Angel insists, "I'll say it anyway: Winifred Burkle. Go." Stirring music cue. Okay, he said it, and he didn't have to, because I don't know why he said it. Unless he thought someone there was all, "Yes, we have to save Harmony!"
Fred twitches in her hospital bed. Piano plinking.
Wesley looks over his magic books in his office. A suit pokes his head in and asks for the "Holbien Clan history." Wesley doesn't even look up as he says that it can wait. The suit rather apologetically points out, "These guys are really important. I just need -- I mean, the whole company can't be working Miss Burkle's case." Wesley pulls out a gun, says, "Of course," and shoots the suit in the knee. This, too, was presented weirdly. I don't know. It's shot like it's funny. And it kinda is, but it ought to be disturbingly funny, not, "Oh, that darn Wesley, ho ho." As the suit wails on Wesley's floor, Wesley tells his secretary, "Please send anyone else not working Miss Burkle's case to me."
Fade to the White Room. Gunn calls "Hello" as annoying flash-cuts bring us closer in toward him. Gunn says, "I know there's someone in here, and it ain't just me." He's suddenly knocked down, and then looks up and gasps, "Whaddya know, it is just me." Or possibly, "it is Just Me," if you think Whedon's big on The Family Circus. Gunn looks up at his evil twin, who's wearing the same clothes and somehow looks even hotter than regular Gunn. Double your pleasure, double your Gunn. DoppelGunn says, "You don't wanna be here." Gunn asks what happened to the kitty, and DoppelGunn says that the conduit's form is "determined by the viewer." Then why was it a kitty before? Gunn stands up and asks if they're going to play a mirror game. DoppelGunn says, "You are failing." Gunn says he's not the issue, and DoppelGunn retorts, "I believe that you think that." Gunn says that they have to help Fred. DoppelGunn advances, saying, "This is the part where I need to be clear," and then shoves Gunn across the room. DoppelGunn advances again, saying, "I am not your friend. I am not your flunky. I am your conduit to the Senior Partners and they are tired of your insolence." He widens his eyes a little as he sarcastically adds, "Oh yeah -- they are not here for your convenience." I have no idea why I found him so hot right there, but I did. Maybe he has extra levels of charisma that he reserves for playing evil people. Gosh. It is neat, though: Richards is sort of wearing his face differently, and looks much more controlled as DoppelGunn, whereas Gunn is easy to read. Gunn clambers up from the floor as he insists that they can make a deal. DoppelGunn looks away and sniffs, "Deals are for the devil." Gunn offers a life for Fred's: "You can have mine." DoppelGunn chuckles and says, "I already do." Then he calmly punches Gunn a couple more times.
Lindsey's apartment. From inside the bedroom, we can hear Angel, Spicule, and Cary roaming through the place. Another item for the show bible: that thing about invitations. Remember? It'd be one thing if the apartment were abandoned, but as we're about to see, someone's still living here. That should be enough. Angel walks past the bedroom doors, then stops, turns, and opens them. Angel heavily says, "Well, I'll be damned all over again," as he and Spicule enter the room. Eve, wearing what I assume is one of Lindsey's shirts, crawls further back in the bed, gasping at them to keep away. Angel asks if she's hiding from the Senior Partners, and quips, "How many sick days do you get before they dock you?" He explains that Fred's dying, and asks if Eve knows anything about it. Spicule tries tilting his head to make Eve talk as Cary enters the room. She insists that she had nothing to do with it, and Spicule asks if Lindsey sent them the sarcophagus. Spicule goes for the head-tilt again, but she doesn't change her story, instead rather pathetically asking if anyone's heard from Lindsey since he got hoovered. Angel starts getting his threats on, and Eve stands up at the foot of the bed and desperately says, "Why would we do anything to Fred? Why would we even care about her?"
Eve's knocked down by a punch, and Cary starts moaning and rubbing his fist in pain. After he recovers, Cary leans over into Eve's face and tells her to sing for him. He adds, "Winifred Burkle once told me, after a sinful amount of Chinese food and in lieu of [sic] absolutely nothing, 'I think a lot of people would choose to be green. Your shade if they had the choice.'" What is with all the "Winifred Burkle" stuff? Oh, maybe Whedon accidentally grabbed the Dawson's Creek show bible accidentally. That'd explain everything. He adds that if he finds out Eve was involved with Fred's sickness, "these two won't even have time to kill you." After a moment he adds that singing anything by Diane Warren will also get her killed, "except 'Rhythm of the Night.'" Eve -- looking a lot nicer than usual with her hair all mussy and her body, you know, covered up -- repeats that she wants to help. Angel tells her to sing. Eve looks down and sings, "Pretty as a picture,/ she is like a golden ring." Which, as many noted, is a snippet of the song Lindsey performed in "Dead End," and that's another little moment I liked. Cary says that Eve isn't involved. Angel says, "You've been wrong before," but he says it like it's a question, which is weird. Or maybe he's saying it like that because he doesn't know if Cary remembers being wrong. Or...eh, maybe it's just a bad line reading. Cary agrees that he could be mistaken, but repeats, "She reads clean. Her future's not too bright, but...." Eve asks what Cary means, and he says, "If I was about to face your future, I'd make like Carmen Miranda and die."
They start to exit, and Eve calls after them, asking if they'll tell the Senior Partners where she is. Spicule suggests that she'd make a nice bargaining chip, and Eve decides to save herself by providing inexplicable knowledge in order to move the plot along. She says that if there's nothing about the sarcophagus in Wolfram & Hart's files, it must be part of "what came before." Angel expositions, "The original demons, before humankind. They were all driven out of this dimension." Eve adds that before that happened, some of the demons killed each other, "and they don't die the way we do." She says that Wesley's books "can conjure up anything, not just our own stock." I see. Well, in that case: Aaa! If that's true, why the hell would Wolfram & Hart have needed to get the Scroll of Aberjian back from Angel, and why would Lilah have needed to snatch the Nyazian scroll to find out about the prophecy, and why doesn't Mutant Enemy have a similar source they can use to avoid contradicting themselves from week to week? Gah. Eve says that Wesley should "look for the texts that are forgotten" by everyone except Eve. Then, because she rightly suspects that even if he knows where to look, Wesley will somehow manage to misinterpret whatever information she finds, Eve adds, "You need to find the Deeper Well." She's got absolutely no motive to be this helpful. We're all clear on that, right? Just checking.
Back at Wolfram & Hart, the MoG (and Knox) have gathered in Wesley's office. Wesley says that the demon infesting Fred is called Illyria, who was "murdered by rivals and left adrift in the Deeper Well." Gunn is dabbing at his face with a towel, presumably to clean up his injuries from the White Room. Wesley explains that the Deeper Well is "a resting place of all the remaining Old Ones." He goes on to say that Fred isn't just possessed by Illyria because her skin is hardening "like a shell." Johanna hopes that the time we see her, Fred looks like a turtle. Wesley guesses that Fred is being "hollowed out" so that Illyria can take over her body. Well, I guess it's different from possession, but not terribly different. Angel asks if they can find the Deeper Well, and Wesley says he's already found it, and hands over directions he pulled up from the AAA website or something. The Well is in the Cotswolds, England. Angel says that they can get there in ten hours via the corporate jet. Knox corrects him: "You can be there in four. We have really good jets." Gunn cynically wonders what good it'll do to go, and Wesley explains that the Well is like a prison, and that "if something gets out, it's written that it can be drawn back, from the source." Cary says, "If nobody thinks it's too ridiculous, I'm going to pray." Actually, yes, I think that's ridiculous. And irritating. And pathetic. And I hate you, Whedon. A cameraman collapses to the floor with disgust so that we get a weird shot of Wesley looming over the camera as he sniffs, "It's appreciated." Wesley adds, "Time is not on our side." And yet you have time for all this leaden dialogue. I can't feel much urgency when the actors are moving like they're underwater, and taking breaks to look pained every few minutes. Angel and Spike wander toward the door, past another floor-cam, and Angel mutters, "Come on. Let's save the day," with, yes, no urgency at all.
In her hospital bed, Fred twitches some more. Hmph, she doesn't look anything like a turtle. She opens her eyes with a dramatic music cue. And that's our act break. I guess we were supposed to think that maybe she was already all Illyrified there.
Commercials. Johanna says, "Bad. It was bad." I really agree: "This is awful. You know, after reading the wildfeed, I almost called you to say that it sounded pretty good. It's not the plot, it's the dialogue. It's bad." "Bad. Very bad." "So bad I can't even think of interesting ways to say how bad it is." "Bad."
When we return, Wesley steps into Fred's hospital room only to find an empty bed. Gasp.
Fred knocks something off a counter in the lab. Wesley hurries into the lab and tells her to get back to bed, and Fred insists that she might find something everyone else missed. She says, "I am not the damsel in distress! I am not some case! I have to work this." Wesley is taken aback by Fred's expressing some personality other than generalized sweetness and light. I actually like Acker a lot in this scene, and she looks really good when she's all pale and messed up and, once again, clothed decently. And yet, this scene annoys me a lot, because everything about the scene directly contradicts what she's actually saying. She can say she's not a damsel in distress all she wants; she's still up in a tower waiting for a knight. Fred goes on, though: "I lived in a cave for five years in a world where they killed my kind like cattle -- I am not gonna be be cut down by some monster flu, I am better than that!" She thinks she's just sick? The MoG really aren't even telling her what they know about what's happened to her? How nice of them to deny her any chance of helping herself. Of course, Whedon could subvert this later, if they wanted to. At some point, Fred could learn what the problem is, and then she could still die while making the point that she was doomed at least partly because the MoG have gigantic holes in their brains when it comes to treating Fred like an adult. But that won't happen, and there's no indication that the audience should even ponder that aspect of the situation. Fred pauses and then notes, "What a wonder...how very scared I am." What a wonder, how awful many of these lines are. Wesley glares and insists, "I swear on my life, we will stop this, but you must be back in bed!" Fred mutters, "Like I'm six years old...," and collapses. That'll teach you to do something besides look pretty, Fred. Wesley catches her, and Fred looks up and moans, "This is a house of death." Johanna and I have taken to starting phone conversations off that way. And then continuing by reciting other terrible, terrible lines from this episode at each other. It's fun! Wesley and Fred breathe at each other for a minute, and then Fred asks if Wesley's magic book can call up any book he needs. He says yes, and she says, "Then bring it. Take me home."
Wesley carries teeny little Fred into her bedroom. That white hat from the flashback is hanging on a coatrack in the corner. Does that signify something? I doubt it. The camera gradually moves in on a mirror over a dresser, so that we can watch Wesley put Fred in her bed. I'm not used to mirrors playing a big role in a scene unless there's a vampire around.
Angel and Spicule ride in the magic jet with its necrofuckingtempered windows. Spicule says he's never flown before. Angel says, "I've been in a helicopter," and then glances out the window and nervously adds, "They don't go this high." Spicule suggests that after saving Fred, they should go to the West End and see a show. This is one of those scenes where it would have been nice to see how worrying over Fred was bringing out everyone's dark side, or whatever the hell it is that's meant to be happening. But instead they're being goofy. Joy. Angel says he hasn't seen Les Misérables, but Spicule snorts, "Halfway through the first act you'll be drinking humans again." Angel gruffs, "I can't lose her," and the plaintive piano plinks as Spicule insists that he won't. Angel whispers, "I lost Cordy." Poor sad...no, I lost interest fifteen minutes ago. Whatever, Angel.
Gunn's on the phones trying to find some healers for Fred. He snaps, "I don't care if the Old Ones scare them! I don't care if the Old Ones kill them -- get their asses down here or you're gonna be in a world of hurt." He adds that he doesn't mean a lawsuit: "I'm talking about bones that go crunch." And then whomever he's talking to hangs up on him. Knox suddenly appears in the doorway, and suggests that they could take Fred to Cryogenics and stop Illyria from doing further damage until they find a cure. Gunn asks if that'll work, and Knox says that they can test it. Do they not even know that Wesley's absconded with Fred? How stupid is Wesley, exactly?
Wesley sits by Fred's bed, reading as she sleeps. Fred turns her head and rasps, "I finally get you up to my bedroom and all you want to do is read." Finally? Was Wesley playing hard to get? Does anyone on the writing staff know that Fred's been interested in Wesley for, what, at most a couple of months, and that she hasn't had a secret love for him for years while circumstances forced them apart? Hate, hate, hate. Wesley apologizes for waking her, but Fred says that he should make more noise to keep her there. Ladies and gentlemen, the most codependent relationship ever. She asks if it's still today, and he says she was only asleep for an hour. Fred says, "That's an hour I don't got [sic] now." Wesley explains that Angel and Spicule are off to get a cure for her. Fred suddenly sits up and gasps, "Feigenbaum!" Good grief. Yes, she goes on about her stuffed rabbit, and then whines that she doesn't remember who he is, and then she cries, and my notes for this scene say, "Hi, Whedon. Sentimentalism isn't good. I hate you, okay? Christ. Try understated emotion sometime." And then there are a few lines of scrawled obscenities. Wesley hugs a sobbing Fred until she calms down and asks if it's wrong that she's worried about how bad she looks now. Wesley insists, "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," as if he's ever actually seen her and not some freaky idealized image of what she represents in his neurotic worldview. Fred asks if he always liked splotchy girls, and Wesley coos that it's his curse, and I guess he wasn't paying attention to Lilah's flawless back. Moron. Fred asks Wesley to read to her, and he glances at the book and asks, "The Dread Host's Compendium of Immortal Leeches?" She asks if it can be any book in the world, and Wesley says, "Name one."
Cut to Wesley reading the description of Sara Crewe from A Little Princess. I guess we're meant to think it sounds just like Fred. Instead, I find myself thinking what a good book that was, and how the recent movie version would have traumatized me if I'd seen it when I was little, because of them changing it so her father is still alive instead of the partner, but he doesn't even recognize her, and she winds up screaming at him as they drag her off. And then I force myself to pay attention again, and then I think that picking a description where Sara is described as seeming older than her years invites rather unflattering comparisons with Fred.
Spicule and Angel walk through the foggy darkness where the Deeper Well is supposed to be. Spicule is grumbling that they can't find the entrance, but Angel points out a large tree with a suspiciously arch-shaped trunk. Punch it open, Angel! Expand your war to trees! Spicule agrees that it's either the entrance to the Well, "or [to] Christmasland." Angel blinks. Spicule asks, "Do you ever have any fun?" With a flash of lightning, a couple of armored orcs come running out of the tree toward them. Spicule notes, "They even brought us weapons." They went to another country, ready to kick some ass so that they could find a cure for Fred, and they didn't bring any weapons of their own? Spicule asks what Angel's plan is, and Angel says, "Just hold my hand." It's Spicule's turn to blink, but he obligingly takes Angel's hand and then says, "St. Petersburg." Angel replies, "Thought you'd forgotten." The orcs rush toward them, and Spicule and Angel suddenly stretch out a length of wire between them, cutting off the orcs' heads. Yeah, fine, why not? Angel and Spicule grab the orcs' swords as two more orcs arrive, and it's nice that the orcs come out in pairs so as not to overwhelm the good guys through superior numbers. Sigh. Oh wait, after the pair is killed, four orcs run out. It's totally sensible, then.
At the lab, Knox curses, and tells Gunn that Fred's infection isn't affected by cold. Knox says that he cares about Fred, and that she's like no one he's ever met before. Gunn agrees. The boys bond over the fact that, while they can't actually name a single specific thing about her that makes her so special, she sure is, by gosh. Knox says that he'd like to "be the white knight in this situation," and concludes, "I don't just care about Fred, I practically worship it." Gunn asks why Knox said "It." Knox looks shifty and says, "What?" Gunn repeats the question, and this time Knox says, "Oops." And so once again, Good Might Triumph because Evil is Pathetically Stupid.
Commercials. Johanna says, "If I asked you to hold my hand, you wouldn't do it." I think about that and say, "No, I'd ask why."
Angel and Spicule are still fighting, but in that slightly sped-up way they did for a little while in Season 3. Which maybe was the last time Whedon had time to watch the show, so perhaps he thinks it's still current. After hacking a few more orcs into bits, Angel calls, "Is that all? We haven't even started!" Because when you're in a hurry, you should encourage people to delay you even more. Lightning flashes again, and a medieval gothic dude strolls out from the tree. Angel addresses him as "Drogyn," and he may be Alec Newman to you, and Paul Atriedes to Aaron, but to me he looks like a poor man's Brad Dourif. Hey, did you know they're making another Chucky movie? Anyway, Angel says, "You're the Keeper of the Well," and Drogyn says he's had the job for decades now. Spicule gets out, "Well, who the --" and Drogyn snaps, "Don't ask me a question!" He says that if Spicule asks him a question, he'll kill Spicule. Ask him if he means it, Spicule! Please? Drogyn confirms that they're there about Illyria, and starts to lead them into the Well. Spicule asks, "But how --" and Drogyn whirls on him and sputters, "What did I just say to you not one moment ago? Don't ask!" He walks back into the Well as Angel adds, "Seriously. He doesn't like questions." With Drogyn out of hearing, Spicule asks why not, and Angel says, "He can't lie." It seems like it'd be a quirky little character thing, except that in later scenes it's clear that being unable to lie doesn't mean that Drogyn always has to answer, and really it's just a shortcut so that Angel and Spicule can't bother doubting anything that Drogyn says when he gives them the bad news.
Gunn grabs a smirking Knox by the jacket and snaps, "You did this!" He asks if Knox is killing Fred because he's jealous of Wesley. Knox quickly points out that no sane person would be jealous of Wesley, and explains that he picked Fred because he loves her. He says, "You think I'd have my God hatched out of some schmuck?" He adds, "This was all set in motion millions of years ago, Charles, and there's just no way to stop it." He says that Angel and Spicule have the right idea, but that it won't matter: "Angel's not gonna save her." Gunn glares and insists that Knox doesn't know Angel very well. Knox cheerfully replies, "I'm not being clear. I don't mean that Angel's gonna fail to save her. I mean, he's gonna let her die." Dun dun DUN!
Commercials. Johanna says, "It's so bad. Is it on purpose? Knox is retarded." We talk about A Little Princess a little, and I propose that Whedon is a little princess himself. I don't even know what I mean by that. I'm just like Whedon! Johanna asks, "Is he teaching us a lesson?" I say, "Maybe. Maybe he's like, 'You thought it was bad earlier this season, but I can have lots of stuff happen and still make it suck, so you whiners go back and enjoy the episodes where nothing happened but at least the episode was vaguely diverting!'"
Fred is lying in bed with Wesley spooning behind her while, for a change, she twitches and moans. See, they're totally comfortable touching each other like they've been married for years, instead of acting like they just started dating at the end of the episode. It could have been a slightly more interesting dynamic if Wesley was awkward with her because he doesn't actually know her as a real human being, he's just been crushing on this romantic fantasy he invented. And you know, having spent all week ranting about this episode without quite understanding why it annoyed me so much, I think I've finally figured something out. This isn't really an episode that's all about Fred. It's all about how other people feel about Fred, and, most particularly, how Wesley feels about Fred. I mean, they only hooked up last week so that this would be that much worse for him; it'd be just as bad for her if they'd kept it on a "just friends" level. Wesley's the tragic martyr who has to watch his sweetie dying, and he's being noble and supportive as his heart breaks, and it could be his dog dying instead for how much who Fred is matters to this. She's not a character, she's a blank screen the other characters project things on. She had no real responsibility for getting sick; that was done to her. She has no ability to save herself; that's up to the others. She could be anyone. It doesn't matter. Speaking of things that don't matter, Fred asks Wesley to read to her some more. Then she gets all Goethe or something and says that the light hurts her eyes, but she doesn't want him to turn it off because it hurts her eyes. It's all very Sturm und Drang, see, with her as the tortured genius. She whispers, "Everything's so bright and hollow. Cavemen win. Of course, the cavemen win." Yes, very good, very deep. I agree about the "hollow" part, at least.
Drogyn leads Angel and Spicule through a tunnel as he says he's surprised to see Angel. Spicule says, "So, you two know each other, then?" Drogyn turns, and Spicule adds, "That was a statement, I already know that you do." Drogyn expositions about the Old Ones and says that "Illyria was feared, and beloved as few are. It was laid to rest in the very depths of the Well, until it disappeared a month ago." Spicule says that Drogyn is a "crap jailer" if he didn't notice the disappearance till now. Except presumably Drogyn noticed the disappearance since he knows when it happened. Angel says, "The man I remember couldn't be stolen from so easily." Drogyn sniffs that it wasn't stolen, it disappeared, and guesses that the sarcophagus was "predestined" to disappear as part of Illyria's plan. What the hell does any of that mean? This show has repeatedly said that when something is destined to happen, it may happen in an unexpected way, but that doesn't mean it happens by itself. If he's trying to say that Illyria made itself disappear, fine, but why not just say that? Drogyn snuffs his torch, because the tribe has spoken, and adds, "As for my not noticing, well, my charges are not few." Drogyn leads Angel and Spicule out onto a wooden bridge over a deep chasm. We go to an overhead shot that, depending on your age, may remind you of Forbidden Planet or Babylon 5, although it's only fair to note that there aren't many ways to do an overhead shot of a bridge over a chasm without its reminding you of those things. Anyway, the chasm has great big stacks of coffins piled up in it. You'd think that when one of them disappeared, there'd be a domino effect of some kind. Maybe that's how Drogyn knows when the sarcophagus vanished; he's spent the past month tidying up the spilled stacks. Angel peers down into the hole and asks how far down it goes. Why does that matter? Remember the urgency thing? Drogyn says, "All the way. All the way through the earth." Fine. Angel tells Drogyn that the sarcophagus turned up at Wolfram & Hart. Drogyn says that Illyria was so powerful that it still has acolytes on earth.
Speaking of whom.... Cut to Knox, backing away from Gunn as he explains, "There's [sic] only a few of us now." He says that Los Angeles is the site of Illyria's former kingdom, adding, "It was supposed to teleport back to the base of its power, but the continents drifted." He and the other acolytes were trying to get it to Wolfram & Hart, but then it got stuck in Customs. So, because of continental drift, the sarcophagus ended up in the middle of an ocean or something? I don't understand. And I lack the strength to care. Knox whips out a piece of paper and shows it to Gunn, saying, "You signed the order to bring it into the lab so you could get another brain boost." Now it's Gunn's turn to back away, stunned, as he insists that Angel will save Fred. Knox says, "What he's fighting against is older than the concept of time." That sounds very impressive, but it doesn't mean much. Stick to the "millions of years old" thing. Knox happily suggests that Gunn should spend his time figuring out how he wants to explain this to his friends. Gunn interrupts Knox by clanging him in the head with a metal container of some kind. Gunn stands over an unconscious Knox, raises the container up again, and then looks around the lab before dealing Knox another nasty blow.
For a change, Fred is twitching and gasping. Wesley tries to give her an injection of what I'll assume is painkiller, but the needle snaps off when he presses it against her arm. Fred speaks for the audience as she moans, "I've sinned, and I'm being punished." The camera tilts so that Fred's head is angled down into the lower left of the screen. Why? I'd say it was "to annoy the viewer," but I've a correspondent who offers another theory: "You are clearly a silly little girly. Now, go and play with your Barbies, while ME get on with the serious task of dragging the direction down to the same banal 'slap-em-around- the-face-with-it- until-they-vomit' approach of their scripts." Hey, I didn't say it. Fred snivels that she never got a B-minus before. Don't worry Fred; you won't be getting anything close to that this time. Wesley weepily tries to hold Fred, but she wails in pain and begs him to make it stop. Wesley puts a hand over his mouth to contain his horror at this embarrassing scene.
Meanwhile, I guess Angel and Spicule are having a friendly chat when Drogyn suddenly asks if Illyria's essence has been freed. Spicule snaps that that's why they came, and spits out a bunch of questions: "What's your favorite color? What's your favorite song? Who's the goalkeeper for Manchester United and how many fingers am I holding up?" It's another two-finger salute, of course. Spicule says that Drogyn can try to kill him if he wants, but they're in a hurry. Kind of. Drogyn says that to return Illyria to the Deeper Well "requires a champion who has traveled from where it lies to where it belongs." Angel notes that they've done that. Drogyn repeats that he didn't know that Illyria was free. Reaction shot of Angel, except without the part where he has a reaction. Everyone stares around for, seriously, almost ten seconds. They're in a race against time, you know. Finally Drogyn remembers his line: "If we bring the sarcophagus back to the Well, it will draw Illyria out of your friend and into every single person between here and there. It will become the mystical equivalent of airborne." I spent quite a long time puzzling over this, because for being kind of important, it's not explained very well. So, I think the deal is, Drogyn can magically drag the sarcophagus back to the Well. If Illyria were still in the sarcophagus, that would solve the problem. Since it isn't, Illyria will still be dragged along, as if it's mystically tied to the sarcophagus, but by pulling it out of Fred, they will actually give it more freedom for a while, letting it infect lots of other people until it's finally yanked back into the Well. Or something. That's the only translation I can come up with that makes much sense, so I guess I'm stuck with it. Drogyn sums it up with several dramatic pauses: "Tens, maybe hundreds of thousands...will die in agony...if you save her." Angel says, "No," and walks over to stare down into the Well. Spicule looks down and says, "That's madness." Drogyn says, "This is a place of madness." I shout, "This goddamn script is a work of madness!" Drogyn says that he'll prepare the spell while Angel decides what to do, and walks off. Angel stares some more, and Spicule looks down into the Well from the other side of the bridge, like maybe he thinks Angel's spotted something interesting down there. Then Angel grunts, "Hell with the world," and chases after Drogyn.
Fred's twitching less, but gasping more. She asks, "Why did we go there? Why did we think we could beat it? It's evil, Wesley. It's bigger than anything." Wesley disagrees. Moron. Fred gets all her repressed twitching out at once by suddenly popping up till she's crouched at the head of the bed as she points at Wesley and shouts, "I'm with him!" She snivels and whimpers, "He won't leave me now. We're so close." Wesley insists that he won't leave her, and they snivel and look at each other sadly. Fred calms down and gulps as she says that was bad, but that it's better now.
And then my tape ran out. And I was so beaten down that I didn't care. Well, plus I knew Johanna was Tivo-ing it, too, but even so, instead of going into panic mode, I thought, "Man, there's still a few minutes left of the show. I guess I should go put another tape in, even though it's probably just more wailing and crying. Ho hum." And finally I trudged over to the TV and grabbed a tape and popped it in, and because I'm unfailingly generous, I offered Johanna the opportunity to recap the minute or so that I missed. Which she was okay with until I specified exactly which scene it was. She'll be compensated, don't worry. Take it, Johanna:
Fred asks Wesley again not to leave her, and he promises he won't. She's kind of shaking and crying as she says, "I walk with heroes. Think about that." He doesn't seem to think about it, though; he just tells her that she is a hero. She corrects him, saying, "Superhero, and this is my power: to not let them take me." Which is a pretty sucky superpower, as superpowers go. Then she takes his hand and puts it on the hard shell that used to be her chest and says, "He's with me." So I guess she's all crazy with the liquifying organs. Alexis Denisof does a good job of fighting back tears, and Amy Acker is satisfyingly twitchy.
Cut to Angel's back. He turns to face the camera, looking dumbstruck, and says Spicule's name and then trails off. Spicule must take this to mean that Angel wants him to say something that sounds deep but doesn't actually mean anything, because he starts talking about how the pit goes all the way to the other side of the world, and that there's someone in New Zealand standing on a bridge looking down at them. There's a close-up of Spicule in profile as he goes on to say, "There's a hole in the world. Feels like we ought to have known." And it's all kind of quiet and intimate, and it makes Angel start to cry, and I just don't get it. I mean obviously, it's a metaphor, but for what? A Fred-shaped hole in our hearts. Strega, have fun being full of bile!
Okay, it's me again. Yay, Johanna. Okay, another thing that mystifies me is that once they've decided they can't save Fred, they're like, that's it. They aren't worried about what a demonized Fred will do, or how many people she might kill. They don't think, "Maybe we have to kill Fred, since she's going to die anyway, to keep her from being taken over by a demon." Granted, that would make this even more similar to "Inside Out," but once you've gone this far you can't possibly still be worried about repeating yourself, can you?
Back in Fred's room, Fred asks Wesley to kiss her. They do that for a while. When they're done, Fred asks, "Would you have loved me?" Wesley chokes up as he says that he's loved her since he's known her. And then, because that's not enough, he adds, "I think maybe even before." Which is precisely what's creepy about his fixation on her. Johanna notes, "I hate when people say that. It means you don't love me, you just think I come reasonably close to an image in your head." It would have cut some of the sap here if Wesley had been more confident in Angel all the way through, and then he finally broke at the end and got angry that Angel hadn't saved Fred, or just had some other emotion to express besides this whimperfest. Fred tells Wesley to tell her parents what happened, and incidentally my mom was really appalled that they hadn't even called her parents and told them to come sit at her sickbed or anything. Especially when they were already in the flashback, so it's not like we're all pretending her parents don't exist. So, Fred tells Wesley to tell her folks that it was quick, and that she wasn't scared. "Lie like the dickens" are her final instructions, basically. Wesley tells her to stop talking, and just fight. I agree with the first part. Fred braces herself against Wesley as she chants "I'm not scared" over and over, and starts falling back. And then Acker does an impressive thing when she lets her head drop onto his arm and says, "Wesley, why can't I stay?" and very clearly dies without doing anything except letting her arm slide off his chest. It's nice. Shame the rest of her thousand-year-long death scene couldn't have been more like that. Wesley whispers, "Please," and then buries his head against her as he shakes and repeats, "Please." See comment about Acker. This part probably would have been moving if I wasn't so deeply angry by this point.
Close-up of Fred's eye turning from soft brown to an icy blue. Her body twitches, just for a change, and Wesley jumps, and then she knocks him off the bed one way while she flops off on the other side. Fred goes into creepy spasms on the floor while Wesley starts to sit up. Then the new, improved Fred stands up, with blue hair dye that appears to have dripped onto her forehead. She stares at her hand as she flexes it and then calmly says, "This will do."
week: Fred flashes Knox and finally gets some cool clothes.