Props to roder, mirocek, and Polter-Cow.
You know, one of the many reasons I was glad that I recapped this show and not Buffy was that I figured the big stunt episodes they used to do must be hell to recap. Turns out I was right. And now, a little timeline....
A month or two ago: Spoilers surface about Angel turning into a puppet. For some reason, I assume that they'll just give David Boreanaz some kind of freaky makeup job to make him look like a puppet.
Early February: Stills from the episode, revealing the puppet, are online. I show them to Johanna when I realize that they'll be in the promos anyway. And I email them to people who respond with various degrees of astonishment and/or disbelief.
Noon, February 18th: Johanna comes by my office for lunch, and I greet her by saying, "It's puppet day!" Johanna says that while she was getting ready for work that morning, she thought, "Only twelve hours till the puppet!"
8:50 PM: I cue up the VCR while we watch the end of Smallville. Upon seeing Clark race off to the rescue, Johanna observes, "Oooh, he's fast." Okay, it's not relevant, but it amused me.
9:00 PM: Yay! We open with the infectious, xylophonic theme to a children's show called Smile Time. "In our secret backyard/ we can make your day more fun and less hard. No more frowning, let's get learning/ ABCs and 1-2-3-4s./ Everything from words to weather --/ we'll discoooover them togeeeether. (Woof!)" A little boy is watching the show at home, sitting on a couch in his pajamas with a thermometer in his mouth. For the benefit of anyone slow on the uptake, his mother passes through, talking on the phone about how the kid is sick. She takes the thermometer and heads back into the kitchen. As soon as she leaves the room, a puppet named Polo -- a boy with red hair wearing a baseball cap -- steps closer to the camera. Polo holds his hands up as if they're pressing against the TV screen, and peers out as if he's watching the mother, and I'll stop saying "as if" now, because that's exactly what's happening. In a low, gravelly voice, Polo says, "Good, she's gone." Then he turns to the kid, and in a more puppety high-pitched voice, says, "Okay, Tommy, you know what to do!" Tommy hesitates, and Polo accuses him of being a "bad apple" and says that Smile Time isn't free. He suddenly frowns and says, "Now get over here and touch it!" Johanna starts giggling, because she's a pervert. Tommy obediently gets up and walks to the TV. Polo's voice sounds more and more adult as Tommy finally presses his hands on the screen. A glow spreads out from his hands, and Polo moans, er, ecstatically. Tommy's eyes flicker and he collapses. Polo hears the mother approaching and quickly runs back to join his place in the puppet chorus line. Mom returns, and there's a disturbing shot of Tommy lying on the floor with his legs twisted one way and his arms thrown back and his head turned uncomfortably. On his face is a big grin, and his eyes are rolled back so he's looking upward. Yikes.
Credits. I begin to worry that nothing could possibly live up to my expectations at this point. Then I remember that I don't really care if there's a plot or anything, so really, as long as there are plenty of puppet scenes, I'm fine. Then I worry that Angel won't be transformed until near the end of the episode. I tell Johanna, "If he turns into a puppet before the end of the first act, and stays that way for most of the show, I'm giving this an 'A' no matter what else happens."
Knox enters the lab and hands Fred a bunch of papers delivered by a courier. Fred expositions that eleven children have fallen into mysterious comas in the past three weeks. She assumes it's something "mystical," and when Knox asks why, she shows him a photo of a wide-eyed, grinning child in a hospital bed. Knox guesses the Joker might be on the loose. Fred is unamused. Shut up, Fred. While sorting through the papers, Fred finds a Valentine's Day card and opens it. Knox apologetically says that he knows Valentine's Day was last week, but that he didn't take the discount on the card. So I guess he's not as cheap as Angel is, but that's not saying much. Where was he last week, anyway? Where's he been for the past few months, for that matter? Fred looks uncomfortable and says that they've talked about this. Knox wants to talk about it again. Fred firmly hands back the papers and the card, and tells Knox to get to work. Exit Knox. See, it's a thing, because Knox is ignoring the signals Fred's giving him. Except there're not so much "signals" as "explicit statements."
A blonde steps off the elevator in the lobby, and even though I knew spoilers for this episode, it still took me a while to say, "Oh, that's Nina." Okay, maybe the "previously"s did serve a purpose, at least when it came to helping me recognize characters we haven't seen in four months. Nina greets Angel, who is coming down the stairs, and he almost trips on the last step as a result. Nina and Angel trade some exposition about how she's a werewolf who stays at Wolfram & Hart during the full moon, and her sister doesn't know, and blah blah howlcakes. Harmony greets Nina, and Angel puts an arm around Nina's shoulder and offers to escort her downstairs. As Nina and Angel leave, Gunn approaches Harmony and asks if she got a receipt for a case filing. Harmony says that the clerk's office called, and that Gunn filed the wrong papers: "You filed for a change of venue instead of a motion to dismiss." Harmony throws Gunn a life preserver by guessing that it was part of some "tricky lawyer maneuvering," and Gunn nervously agrees before wandering off.
Down in her cell, Nina says she likes visiting Wolfram & Hart, and stammers that she looks forward to seeing Angel. Angel abruptly closes the cage door on Nina, claiming that it's an "insurance thing" as he starts to leave. Nina calls him back and asks what he's doing for breakfast tomorrow. Angel says, "You know...drinking blood." A bit more stammering, and Angel escapes as Nina stares after him.
Moments later, Angel is telling Wesley about his encounter with Nina. Wesley asks how Angel responded, and Angel says, "I ignored it completely, changed the subject, and locked her in a cage." Wesley blinks at the last part, while Angel complains that he and Nina had a platonic relationship and now she's hitting on him all of the sudden. Wesley interrupts, "Are you blind?" He says that there are "things called signals. Odorless, yes. Invisible, certainly," and adds that Nina's been hitting on Angel for months. "Odorless"? And they aren't invisible; that's sort of the point. And shut up, Wesley. Angel thinks Wesley is mistaken, but Wesley says, "This comes from people who know. This comes from The Ladies." The Ladies turn out to be Fred, Harmony, and "the girls from transcription." Wesley quotes Harmony: "Why else would a chick who's coming in to spend three nights in a jail cell dress like it's her first date?" See, that right there isn't invisible. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, Angel realizes the truth and moans, "The Ladies are right! Nina's down there right now turning into a werewolf, and liking me!" One of the reasons I liked this episode so much is that even the pre-puppet parts are funny. Plus, it gives me an excuse to be extra-alliterative with things like "pre-puppet parts." Angel insists that he can't have a romantic relationship, and Wesley mocks him for worrying about becoming Angelus. Wesley insists that even the best relationships make do with "acceptable happiness." I actually buy the argument, but it does seem a little ridiculous to make fun of Angel for worrying about the fact that he could put everyone he knows in terrible danger. Come to think of it, maybe Wesley's not concerned about it because he knows that Angelus is all talk. Anyway, Wesley mocks Angel for "hiding behind [his] Gypsy curse." Angel frantically insists that he can't have a relationship: "I'm not that guy! That guy is charming and funny and...emotionally useful!" Hee hee. Wesley shouts, "Get over it!," which is always so helpful, and Angel asks why Wesley is yelling at him. Wesley starts projecting like a big-screen TV at this point. He says that if there's someone "who represents even part of what you think makes the world worth fighting for and who doesn't view you as an entirely sexless shoulder to lean on, you have to do something about it." The "sexless shoulder to lean on" is a big giveaway there, since that's much more Wesley's self-image than Angel's. Angel understandably asks, "Who are we talking about here?" And then we do that ironic conversation thing, because Fred walks in, and so Wesley says "Fred," and Angel double-takes. That bit isn't just dead, it's actually buried and maggots are eating it away at this point.
Fred announces, "I may have a case." Wesley and Angel chorus, "Thank God." Johanna and I say, "Holy God" at the sight of Fred's teeny pleated miniskirt. After watching a bunch of Season 3 episodes again on DVD, I was surprised to realize that she actually did wear miniskirts a lot in the past. I think the difference is that they weren't quite so mini, and she was usually wearing flats then whereas now she's stumbling about in high heels. So it came off more like casual college-student clothing then, whereas now, in the corporate setting, it just seems wildly inappropriate. Just to get all of my "Fred's clothes" babbling out of the way at once: it would make slightly more sense if they'd been playing this as part of Fred's efforts to get Wesley's (or Knox's) attention, and I guess that still could have been the idea, but if so, maybe they should have had her style of clothing suddenly change after "Lineage" or thereabouts. I don't know. Amy Acker is gorgeous, but the attempt to make her look sexy is just making her look prepubescent. Okay, I'm done. Fred hands Angel the paperwork as she explains that there are seven comatose kids. Oops. It was eleven kids a few scenes ago. I guess a few of them got better. Or died. While Angel looks through the paperwork, Fred tells Wesley about all the work she's done trying to find a non-magical cause, and Angel interrupts to point out that all of the children collapsed in front of a television between 7:00 and 7:30 AM. Apparently Fred can do anything, except read things that are right in front of her. Angel bounds off to investigate. Fred wonders why Angel's so eager to get to work, and Wesley explains that Angel's finally noticed Nina's interest in him. Fred says it took him long enough, and Wesley sniffs, "He can be rather dense." Fred mentions that her car is in the shop, and as she's saying, "Maybe you and I could --," Wesley picks up the phone and requests a car for her. Fred looks disappointed. You know, I'll actually accept this, because it would make sense if Wesley thinks, "Fred's trying to be friendly, but hanging out with her just makes me more annoyed and frustrated, so I'd rather not." Or alternatively, he's an idiot. Flip a coin.
Cary voice-overs, "All the signals are there, jefe, loud and clear." The desiccated remains of the ironic conversation shrivel away a tiny bit more. We cut to Cary and Angel in Angel's office. Cary adds, "Nina definitely wants a piece of Angel cake." Ewwww. Angel rubs his forehead repeatedly as he asks Cary to stick to the job, and the emphasis on the forehead-rubbing seemed strange at the time, but since the puppet does it later, I think they were just trying to make sure that was in our heads as a gesture Angel does. Cary thinks of a show that fits the time slot and demographic, and holds up the photo of the grinning kid as he says, "Smile Time."
Angel skulks around in the Smile Time offices. A janitor approaches pushing a cart, and doesn't seem to notice Angel even when Angel waves a hand in front of his face.
Angel enters a set of offices, which are decorated with stand-up cutouts, and stuffed toys, and posters that are dead-on parodies of the Henson publicity materials, and I love the set designer and the props crew. Angel suddenly leans against a desk as the camera tilts sickeningly. Then he straightens up and walks toward a set of vertical files against a wall. There's a rattling sound, and I think the idea is that the noises are coming from behind the cabinet, not inside it, but I'm not really clear on this bit. Angel moves the cabinet aside, and reveals a hole punched through the wall, leading to a long dark hallway.
Angel walks down the grubby hallway and sees a large sign on a set of sliding doors that says simply, "Don't." They must have known Angel was coming. He obeys the sign by snapping a padlock of the doors and opening them instead of just kicking them down, and steps inside.
In the room is a large metal egg hanging on the wall, and under it, a man sitting on a box with a towel draped over his head. The man twitches a bit, and moans, "You shouldn't be here." The egg on the wall starts to slide open, pouring light out into the room. Angel stares up at it quizzically. Dumb-ass. Then the egg suddenly opens completely with a flash of light, and Angel is knocked back into a convenient pile of boxes. The egg closes. The pile of boxes shifts, and then a little three-fingered puppet hand appears, and Angel pulls himself up into view, all puppety. He looks down at his hand, raises an enormous eyebrow, and says, "Huh?"
Commercials. "It gets an 'A'!" I crow. I ask Johanna if she thinks the puppet will vamp out. She's skeptical, but I say, "If the puppet vamps out, it gets an 'A+'!" By the way, in order to avoid saying "Hee!" five thousand times in the rest of this recap, just assume that I'm laughing at almost everything if the puppet is in the scene.
There's some user-error involved in pressing "record" again when the show returns, but luckily I just miss a few seconds of Fred technobabbling at Angel over a speakerphone. Fred mentions that she's called the CDC, which is funny to me because I've met some CDC folk, and maybe they're not all like that, but if they are, Fred would fit in with them really well. Angel tries to interrupt a few times as Fred details her research, and finally shouts, "Fred! Believe me, it's mystical!"
Fred, Wesley, and Gunn enter the office, wondering what's so urgent. Angel's chair is turned around to face the wall. I wonder how he got home. I guess since he's still got his vampire powers, it wouldn't be that hard. Oh, but imagine him taking the elevator upstairs -- he'd have to jump up to hit the buttons! Angel spins the chair around for a dramatic reveal. I imagine how he must have called everyone on the phone, and then jumped down from the desk and turned the chair around to face the wall, and pushed it real close so that when he was in the chair, he could kick the wall to spin the chair around. And I totally believe Angel would do all of that just for a dramatic reveal, too. The MoG boggle at the sight of the puppet. Fred rushes over to him and gasp, "Oh my God, Angel, you're...cute!" Angel turns his head away from her and holds his hand up as he moans, "Fred, don't!" I'm dying. Fred can't stop cooing over him, and reaches out to feel his feathery hair. Angel turns back to her and snaps, "You're fired." It's Cary's turn to enter and be boggled. Okay, my favorite thing about the puppet is the eyebrows, which I couldn't appreciate in the still photos. They replicated Boreanaz's prominent brow by giving the puppet these massive articulated brows that extend out about an inch, with little strips of fuzzy eyebrow on top of them. It just kills me. Angel explains that he visited the Smile Time offices, and he felt a spell "trying to get at [him]." He makes some wonderful hand gestures as he adds, "Then I met this guy with a towel over his head, and something exploded...I woke up like this." The MoG try to keep straight faces as they discuss the problem. Cary speculates that it's "some kind of puppet cancer." Angel grumps, "I do not have puppet cancer!" He says that this is a serious problem, and that children are in danger, and then he catches sight of a clock on his desk and gasps, "Hey, its Smile Time!"Angel hops down and rushes into the conference room, which means there's a shot of him bopping past the MoG with his mouth hanging open. I can't take it.
In the conference room, Angel struggles to operate the remote for the TV, and ends up starting to program the VCR instead. He starts pounding the remote against the table as he shouts, "Stupid! Plastic! Piece of crap!" Cary gently takes the remote from him and turns the TV on. Wesley says that Angel's "stress-response mechanism" has been altered, and Gunn translates, "You have the proportionate excitability of a puppet your size." I don't think that's a good translation, mind you. I'm just going to assume it's further evidence of Gunn losing his smarts. Fred calls the lab and asks someone to tape the Smile Time show. On the TV, the puppets are trying to cheer up a depressed Polo. They start to sing a song that may never get out of my head: "Self-esteem is for everybody!/ Self-esteem is for everyone!/ You can dream and be anybody,/ but self-esteem is how you get it done!" As Angel watches, his giant brows lower into a frown, and he literally starts to quiver with rage. Finally, he turns to Wesley and says he wants to attack Smile Time with helicopters and tear gas. Cary soothes him, "Angel, baby, muppet, pumpkin...." Cary explains that the show's very popular, and that they can't just nuke the site from orbit, while Angel frowns and puts his hand on his hip. Angel finally concedes the point and asks who runs the show. Cary says that the creator is a man named Gregor Framkin. Angel tells Cary and Gunn to visit Framkin, "let him know we're on to him," which shows that his cunning plans are about as good as ever. Wesley and Fred are told to investigate the magic affecting the children and Angel. As the MoG start to file out, Angel tells them to keep his condition classified. Then he leans over the table and rubs his giant brows. Does he still have no reflection as a puppet? I hope someone takes a photo of him, because it'd be a shame if he didn't know what he looked like.
Angel walks back into his office, but then hears Nina opening the door and calling him. Angel freaks, throwing the remote over his shoulder as he dives behind the desk. And I do mean "dives." I wonder how many times they had to throw a stunt-puppet across the room before they got a shot that looked right. Anyway, Angel cowers under the desk as Nina enters. Seeing the room empty, she starts to leave, but then Angel knocks over a trash can and curses. Nina turns back and asks Angel if he's under the desk. Thinking fast, Angel says, "No! I...yes." Nina lies, "I can see you're busy," and apologizes if she made him uncomfortable the night before. Angel says that it's fine, and Nina finally asks, "Is there a reason you won't look at me?" Angel replies, "'Cause I'm under my desk." Fair enough. He crabbily asks her to leave, and Nina says, "Sorry, I guess," and exits. Angel climbs back into his chair just as Spicule wanders in saying, "Hey, big guy. Need another car. Afraid this last one ended up in the drink." Spicule stops dead upon seeing the puppet and gasps, "Look at you." Now, if Angel were smart here, he'd just play dead. Although, maybe not with Spicule, since if he thought Angel was a regular, inanimate puppet, he might start playing with it. So instead, Angel growls, "Spike! Just turn around, and walk away!" He mimes a little push toward the door. Spicule starts to grin, revealing the many, many wrinkles forming around his eyes, as he shouts, "You're a bloody puppet!"
Spicule is knocked back through the office doors, Angel on top of him. They roll around on the floor, fighting. Well, Angel's fighting, and Spicule's just giggling until he repeats, "You're a wee little puppet man!" Angel punches him. Spicule laughs. Angel punches again. This time Spicule says, "Ow! Tha's enough!" He tosses Angel up into the air, and Angel lands on his feet a short distance away in a continuous shot, and yeah, I think Edlund did a really good job directing what must have been an even more difficult episode than usual. Oh yeah, and props to Boreanaz, because sitting in a little ADR booth making grunts as if you're fighting has to be very weird. Angel tells Spicule to leave, and then Harmony blurts, "Oh my God, Angel, you're a --" Angel points a finger at her warningly and snaps, "Shut up!" Angel finally looks around at all of the suits filling the lobby, who are staring at him. He crabbily asks, "What are you people looking at? Well?" Spicule explains, "They're looking at the wee little puppet man." Angel gets even more enraged, and launches himself at Spicule. He ends up grabbing Spicule's arm in his mouth and holding on like a pit bull while Spicule shouts and flails around, trying to swat him off. At this point. I'm just staring at the television, hunched over, with my hands over my mouth, trying to breathe. Spicule backs away, tries swinging Angel into a wall, and finally is propelled back into the elevator as the doors close. The suits stand around as, from inside the elevator, there are crashes and bangs, and Angel grunting, "Stupid! Grimy! Piece of crap!" I hope this "Stupid, [fill-in-the-blank] piece of crap!" thing is going to be his new catchphrase. The doors reopen, and Angel steps out, straightening his clothes, while Spicule is revealed to be collapsed in a corner of the elevator. Angel looks around at the suits and says, "Yes, I'm a puppet. Doesn't mean you don't have work to do."
A marionette version of Angel walks through the lobby, back to his office. As he passes Harmony's desk, he grumbles, "Get my call list." As he passes off-camera, he also tells her to give Spicule a car. Spicule walks up to Harmony's desk and deadpans, "You 'eard the puppet." I wonder if the cars are just bribes to keep Spicule from bothering him. I mean, as much. I also wonder if Spicule is actually just selling the cars to pay for his apartment, now that Lindsey isn't around. Wonder, wonder, wonder.
Gunn and Cary enter Gregor Framkin's office at the Smile Time studio. Framkin is wearing magnifying goggles as he builds a puppet, and takes them off to reveal David Fury. Hi! He's wearing a sweater-vest à la Henson. Hee. Gunn starts to explain why they're visiting, but Framkin interrupts to offer them cocoa, complete with "those itty-bitty marshmallows." Cary's tempted, but Gunn elbows him. Framkin recognizes Cary and says that he's accomplished a lot "despite [his] obvious deformities." Cary blinks as Framkin continues, "We have a song here at Smile Time that reminds me of your courage and pluck. It's called 'Courage & Pluck.' It goes a little like this: 'Oh, courage and pluck, courage and pluck.'" Gunn says that's enough, but I could never get enough of that joke. Maybe we're not soulmates after all. Gunn says that they're going to shut the show down, to which Framkin replies, "Oh my." Gunn stumbles as he tries to rattle off a legal citation and finally snaps, "You turned my boss into a frickin' puppet!" Framkin calmly says that Wolfram & Hart is infamous, and that if this becomes a fight, he thinks people will side with him. Gunn tells Cary, "We're through talkin' to this hunk of garbage." As they exit, Framkin waggles a finger at them and insists, "No name-calling at Smile Time!" Cary huffily turns around and huffs, "Bad person!" Hee hee hee. Framkin hums to himself as he goes back to work on the puppet, and the camera swings around to show that Polo has his hand jammed into an icky hole in Framkin's back. Polo pulls his arm out with a squishy sound, and Framkin collapses on the table. Polo picks up the phone, dials, and says, "Get everybody in here. We got a problem!"
Commercials. Many years ago, through an odd series of events, I got to visit the Henson offices in NYC. This is vaguely relevant since it means I can say the Smile Time offices look fairly accurate, except they're a bit tidier than the real thing. And, you know, there were fewer demons. Honestly, I'm just mentioning it because it was really cool and I somehow doubt I'll have another opportunity to bring it up in a recap. Bonus trivia fact: there are little Kermit footprints in the cement outside the building. Awww.
After the ads, Framkin is still twitching a little on the table while the puppets have a conference. Along with Polo, there's Groofus the dog, a ponytailed girl puppet, and Ratio Hornblower, a large purple...er, thing with a horn for a mouth. Polo pours some whiskey into a mug and demands to know who turned Angel into a puppet. Everyone mutters, except Ratio, who tweets. "Whaddya mean it wasn't us?" Polo asks. Tweet. Groofus suggests that Angel must have gone into the "Don't" room and "messed with the nest egg." Polo grumbles, "Might as well walk into a nuclear reactor and lick the core!" The girl suggests that maybe they should de-magicify a few of the workers so that someone would notice an intruder. Groofus agrees: "Damn zombies can't even work a camera." Polo says they don't need to, because the nest egg has enough power to work their magic, and announces, "Ratio has perfected our little system." Tweet. He says that they don't have to drain one child at a time anymore, so in tomorrow's show they'll take out the entire audience. Groofus guesses that tomorrow will be a big show, and enthuses, "'Cause I been working on dis great new song about de difference between analogy and metaphor...." Polo throws his mug at Groofus and points out, "We eat babies' lives!" Groofus argues, "And uphold a certain standard of quality edutainment!" Polo shouts, "The life-force we're pulling out of these snot-nosed kids is 100% pure innocence, dickwad! You have any idea of the street value that carries down in hell?" Ratio tweets. Polo agrees, "Damn right, we're gonna be rich!" He says that they'll be able to build their own Hades, which everyone sighs over. Framkin gasps, "Please let me die...." The puppets giggle, and Polo asks if Framkin wants to "talk to the hand." Framkin shakes his head slightly, but Polo goes ahead and jams his arm back inside Framkin's back. Framkin jerks upright and twitches, and the puppet giggles. Groofus says, "Make him swallow his tongue again!" It's the "again" that kills me.
Nighttime. Nina is back in her cell, getting ready to show her lovely bare back to the camera, when Angel calls to her. He lurks behind the door so that she can't see him, and apologizes for his behavior that morning. Nina says that she understands, and Angel mutters, "Pretty sure you don't." Nina says that Angel has a lot to do, and the last thing he needs is more complications from a "charity case." Angel cuts her off, sighs, and walks into the room. Nina stares, and there's a great matter-of-fact delivery when Angel explains, "I was turned into a puppet last night." Nina stammers and finally asks if he's okay. Angel explains, "I'm made of felt." Then he reaches up and pulls his nose off as he adds, "And my noze comes off." He stares at his nose, shakes his head a little, and pops it back on. He says he's sure the MoG will fix it eventually, and that he was rude that morning because he was embarrassed. Nina asks why he cares what anyone thinks, and rhapsodizes about how he's a hero, adding, "This may sound cliché coming from an art-school chick, but the vampire thing's kinda sexy." Heh. I like her. Angel admits that it sounds nice, but that he doesn't feel that way. Aw, poor sad Angel-puppet. Hee. Angel strolls around in the room as he ponders his "very complicated life," and says that he's not good at seeing what's going on around him. Sure, you can see it all coming, and once again, I don't care, because just as Angel says that he's trying to pay more attention to the world around him, a werewolf paw reaches through the bars and sinks into his head. Angel's jerked out of frame, then struggles back out, trying to get away as he shouts, "No Nina! Bad Nina! Gaaaah!" And he's pulled back toward the cage. Shredded cloth is flung out as we cut away.
Cary walks through the lobby, heading for Angel's office, when he hears a gasp. He turns and sees a disheveled Angel marionette standing down the hall, holding in the large amounts of stuffing that are oozing out of his chest. Angel stretches his hand out and calls Cary, and then collapses. Cary shouts, "My little prince!" Cary rushes over and picks up Angel, asking what happened. Angel moans, "Nina...tried to...eat me." Dying. Cary hurries down the hall, doing a masterful job of not cracking up as he tells Angel, "Don't stop fighting!" and shouts, "Doctor! Is there a Gepetto in the house?"
Cut to a decidedly non-Gepetto doctor . It is, in fact, Dr. Sparrow from "Conviction." Gunn enters the room just as Sparrow finishes doing something icky to a patient's eyes. The patient puts on plastic sunglasses, and Sparrow tells him to "give those fancy new retinas a chance to adjust." The other patient leaves, and Sparrow tells Gunn, "X-ray vision. Very now." Gunn says that something's wrong with his implant. After a five-second examination, Sparrow observes that the imprint is fading, and that Gunn has "acute Flowers for Algernon syndrome." Gunn orders Sparrow to fix it, but Sparrow says Gunn can't afford it: "You were given that upgrade because the Senior Partners wanted you to have it. And if you're losing it, well, they wanted that, too." Gunn insists that he needs his mastery of law and Gilbert & Sullivan and demon law and languages and cultures and golf, only, okay, he doesn't list them all out like that, which is kind of a shame. Sparrow wonders if his new abilities gave Gunn's life meaning, which seems unlikely, but anyway. Sparrow adds, "To have it taken away, it's heartbreaking. Though I do think Cliff Robertson captured the poignance of it more elegantly." Sparrow offers a deal: he's awaiting a shipment that's caught up in Customs. Gunn asks if it's drugs, and Sparrow chuckles, "Goodness, no, I make my own drugs." Heh. He says it's an ancient curio he wants to make a profit on, and that Gunn could probably cut through the red tape for him. Gunn says he doesn't make deals with evildoers. Sparrow snarks that he doesn't offer deals to people like Gunn: "The ignorant street muscle, the high-school dropout. I would, however, love to make a deal with Charles Gunn, Attorney at Law."
On the Smile Time tape, Polo declares that it's time for "Action Math News," and the camera swings over to show Groofus and Ratio behind a "news desk." Groofus says, "Our top story this morning: two plus two is four." Groofus turns to another camera to add, "And in related news, four plus four is eight!" Fred and Wesley are watching the tape down in the lab. Wesley sighs, "Could be the lack of sleep talking, but I'm really starting to like this show." Fred chuckles and agrees as Knox enters, announces that it's 4:00 AM, and hands a cup of coffee to Fred. Knox starts to sip from the other cup as Wesley watches. Then Knox fakes an apology and offers the cup to Wesley, who declines. Heh. Fred technobabbles, and Knox takes a dig at Wesley, calling him "Merlin." Fred quickly suggests that Knox go home and get some sleep. Knox heads for the door while the puppets start singing a song about math: "There's a little bit of math/ in everything/ from the number of your toes/ to the arc of a swing./ And even in the length/ of a yo-yo string!/ There's a little bit of math/ in everything." Knox looks back to see Fred sharing her coffee with Wesley, and then leaves. Once he's gone, Wesley asks Fred how things are going between her and Knox. Fred says that they went out a few times, and that Knox is nice, "but...I think he's been working here too long." She adds that he doesn't make her laugh, which has to be a lie, doesn't it? Because Knox is funny. On the other hand, Fred is crazy. Wesley turns to the computer and passive-aggressives, "I see. You're looking for someone funny." Fred says she'd like "a certain kind of funny," and the joke here seems a little too obvious, so I'll abstain. She adds, "I'm not really looking for so much as looking at --" and of course she's cut off before she can finish the sentence, as Wesley suddenly notices something on the tape. They replay part of the song, and when Wesley hits "mute," he can see Polo leaning up against the TV screen. Then Wesley applies this newfound knowledge to Fred, develops a mute button for her, and learns that when she's babbling incoherently she's actually performing evil magic. Oh, wait, that was all in my head, sorry. Instead, they just discover that the song is part of a cloaking spell that hides Polo's conversation with the potential victim.
Blipvert to Angel at his desk, trying to sew his jacket back together. He's also got a few claw-marks on his head. As he sews he grumbles, "Stupid fingers." The thread suddenly snaps, and he adds, "Stupid string." Wesley and Fred enter, and Wesley starts to describe their discovery, but Fred notices Angel's new scars and asks what happened. Angel insists that it's not important, and so Wesley and Fred resume their exposition: they announce that, based on the strength of the signal, "Framkin's ready to take out the whole audience." Wesley guesses that the metal egg Angel found contains the stolen life-force, and that if they break the binding magic on it, the children and Angel will be restored. Angel startles at that news, then launches himself across the room and clings to Fred, tearfully gasping, "I love you guys!" He calms down a second later and figures that they'd better roll. He points out, "Framkin knows we're on to him," thanks to Angel's sending Gunn and Cary to tell him that, but whatever. He figures that the puppets will work their mojo on the whole audience on today's show. Gunn suddenly enters, and Angel looks Gunn up and down as Gunn explains that it's not Framkin; the puppets are demons. He expositions that "Smile Time's ratings hit an all-time low last season. Framkin made a deal with some devils to bring it back to number one." He says that he found the contract in the "Library of Demonic Congress," and that Framkin missed the fine print. Angel guesses that the puppets took over the show, and Gunn says that they have a "distinctive MO." Fred is surprised to hear this has happened before, and Gunn asks, "You seen the last few seasons of Happy Days?" And I understand why they wouldn't say Buffy, but it might have been nice to make a slightly more contemporary reference. It's not like there's a lack of punchlines for that joke. Gunn concludes that the puppets are the problem. Angel grabs a sword from off the wall, unsheathes it, and says, "Let's take out some puppets!"
And then there's the traditional power shot as Fred opens the office doors, and she, Gunn, and Wesley march out, ready for battle. And then the camera pans down to show Angel in the lead, which is, okay, slightly problematic because if Fred opened the doors, did he run past her to get in front? But the point is that we go into slo-mo as they walk along, and the puppet is in the lead with the sword slung over his neck, and it won't ever stop being funny.
The Smile Time theme begins again, and the camera moves slowly over a television to show a little girl happily watching the show. Polo steps toward the camera and announces that this will be "an extra-special best show ever" if the audience helps. He tells the kids to get up and walk to the TV. Not that the satire of children's television isn't enough in itself, but it seems worth pointing out that there's a very different kind of programming where audience members are invited to stand and put their hands on the screen. The girl puts her palms against the screen, and Polo coos, "Let it all go! After all, it's Smile Time!" Offscreen, Angel says, "No, it's not."
Polo jerks away and we cut to the set. Angel is crouched on top of a doghouse as he adds, "It's time to kick your ass all the way back to hell." He raises the sword as Polo growls, "You!" Angel leaps down, and Polo punches him.
The show's crew continues to point the cameras and carry props around in a trance while we hear the sounds of battle.
As Ratio and the girl-puppet watch, Groofus whines, "Hey man, you're ruining the show!" And then his head is sliced off with an axe. Ratio tweets and falls back into a box as Gunn says, "Working on it." Polo knocks Angel's sword away and throws him inside the doghouse. Gunn leaps into the fray, and Polo shrieks and then calls, "It's a full-scale attack! Ratio! The nest egg!" Ratio -- who has teleported from inside the box to over by the cameras in five seconds, oops -- tweets and runs away, tweeting at every step. Angel reaches out of the doghouse and pulls Polo inside.
Wesley and Fred enter the "Don't" room, and Wesley hands Fred his messenger bag before he starts chanting in Latin. The egg starts to slide open, and Wesley gets all Indiana Jones as he orders Fred not to look at it. Then Ratio grabs Wesley around the neck and yanks him back. Wesley tells Fred to keep reading as he struggles to get away from the giant, fuzzy blue, uh....Is Ratio a puppet or a costume? Because he does have feet, but he doesn't have an articulated mouth.
Back on the set, mayhem is ensuing. Gunn is about to axe Polo when the girl-puppet launches herself at Gunn. Johanna thinks that the puppet broke Gunn's neck, because there is a snapping sound when the girl lands, and she twists his head, and then he does a super-cool midair spin before he crashes to the ground. Maybe his brain implant lets you snap his neck without hurting him anymore. I don't know. Anyway, he lands, and he's fine, except then the girl races back to him and stretches her hands out, hissing, "Gimme those pretty eyes!"
The girl watching TV at home starts to sway, dazed, as Gunn pulls the puppet off of himself and tosses her right into the camera. I think we should have seen more of how this looked at home. I guess the idea is that the kids didn't see what was happening because they were zoned out. That's no fun.
Fred reads Latin from the scrolls, and starts to develop romantic feelings for herself. Ratio keeps beating Wesley up. Wesley is tossed across the room, and then Ratio grabs a fire extinguisher and gets ready to club Wesley with it. Fire extinguishers are a popular weapon on this show, have you noticed? Ratio is interrupted when Fred suddenly fires a gun, hitting him in the arm. The shot smashes his plastic eyeball, and then Fred and Wesley trade significant looks like, "You killed a robot simulcrum of your father for me, so I'll kill a giant demonic puppet and/or costume for you." Ain't love grand?
Polo tells Angel, "I'm gonna tear you a new puppet-hole, bitch!" Angel does a "kick" that consists of the puppet turning over almost completely, but the ridiculousness is what makes it funny. Angel crouches over Polo -- whose pupils are all small to indicate surprise or fear or both -- and starts strangling him. Polo says, "So, you got a little demon in you?" Angel says, "I got a lot of demon in me," and vamps out. A+! Hooray! Amusingly enough, the vamped version of the puppet probably has smaller eyebrows. Angel picks Polo up and throws him into a tree house on the set, which, I guess, kills him. I'm not entirely clear on how you kill a puppet, but I don't really care.
Fred's still chanting as Wesley shoves Ratio across the room and pulls his, um, mouth-horn out. Ratio makes a sound like deflating bagpipes as air wooshes into the new hole in his face, and then Wesley shoves the horn into Ratio's other eye. Ratio collapses.
Angel devamps, straightens his jacket, and checks on Gunn. Gunn holds up two severed puppet-limbs and says he's okay. On a camera behind him, the girl-puppet is hanging with stuffing coming out of her mouth. I love that, too.
Fred winds up her chanting as the metal egg cracks and finally explodes.
At home, the little girl is thrown back across the room, landing neatly in her beanbag chair. Whee!
At Wolfram & Hart, Nina wakes up, pulls a piece of stuffing out of her mouth, and gasps, "Oh, my God. I ate him." Then Angel knocks on the door and asks if she's decent. Relieved, she pulls a robe on, and Angel enters. He says, "Wes and Fred say my condition is improving." Improving how? Are parts of him not a puppet? Can we forget I asked that? He says he'll be fine in two or three days. Then he opens the cage and asks what Nina's doing for breakfast. Nina smiles and asks what puppets eat. Angel holds his hand out to her and says, "Let's find out."
Wesley is tidying his office when Fred enters and says that the kids are recovering. Wesley's pleased to hear that, and suggests that they should both get some rest. Fred blocks his exit and asks if he's going to leave. She asks if he's noticed anything different about her lately. Did it occur to her that maybe Wesley's not interested in her anymore? I just think it's odd that she assumes Wesley's not picking up on her signals, instead of considering the other possibilities. Or maybe she knows better because of all the stalking. I dunno. She finally gives up on talking, and plants a kiss on him. Then she says, "That was a signal, okay? Was that clear enough for you?" Wesley smirks and says, "Not even close," which, ew. The "Self-Esteem" song kicks in as Fred and Wesley mack. They're kind of cute together if I forget how irritating they both are. But it's pretty hard to forget that. On the other hand, if they're kissing, they're not talking, so: hooray!
week: Angel's choice changes everything. Will Nina be hurt when she finds Angel holding hands with Spike? Tune in and find out.