Props to Greg and, er, Sarah the Killer Bunny, for being very nice about my little problem with homonyms. Oh, and hi, whoever wrote the Angel quiz for WPIX!
A few pieces of business before I get going here. First, I know last week was Angel's 100th episode, but this is my 100th Angel recap, and that's obviously much more important. By which I mean "deeply disturbing to contemplate." Also, this is officially Angel's last season. Seriously, five years seems about right to me. Finally, since I remembered to tape it this time, can we talk about that promo that runs during the closing credits for Smallville? The one where you hear a familiar voice saying, "Hi, I'm Spike, and it's an all new Angel on The WB Wednesday night." How fucking weird is that thing? It'd be one thing if he said, "I'm James Marsters, and it's an all new Angel." But he's introducing himself as the character. It's creepy. Johanna and I talked about it and decided that it must be because, if he said "I'm James Marsters" without the accent, the audience would say, "Who?" and if he said he was James Marsters with the accent, it would be even creepier.
We open with a shot of a sub. I suspect that somewhere under the gigantic HDTV logo, there's a caption that says, "Atlantic Ocean, 1943." Nazis. Sigh. Did we learn nothing from Doyle's death? Keep away from the Nazi stories.
Inside the sub, there's much panicking. One crewman radios for help as the others rush into a compartment. Their captain screams some orders and is abruptly dragged backward through a hatch. Then he's thrown back into the compartment with a wounded neck. A dark-haired crewman named Lawson starts dragging the captain backwards, and then we go to a POV shot of something rushing out and pulling the captain back. Why throw him away if you're just gonna grab him again? Blood sprays over Lawson's face. He screams, "Captain!" and then ducks through another hatch, slamming it shut.
At Wolfram & Hart, the MoG have gathered for a late-night meeting. Gunn reports that they haven't been able to locate Eve. Which means that enough time has passed since the last episode for them to notice Eve's absence and look for her. Just saying. Angel says he's okay with Eve's disappearance, but Wesley points out, "She did leave swearing vengeance. That doesn't usually go well for us." Cary suggests that the Senior Partners may have sucked her up in their magical vacuum cleaner. Angel asks Gunn to make sure that the Senior Partners have Lindsey under control, as well. Gunn says, "The White Room is empty, the liaison to the Senior Partners has vanished; it's hard getting information anymore." He suggests that they could "establish a new liaison through a, uh, through a protocol...." Gun stammers to a halt and excuses himself by saying he's tired. Angel ends the meeting, and then they all start grumbling about the work they have to do. Wesley has some "spell-detailing," Gunn has briefings to read, and Fred has to redo an experiment Knox screwed up. Wesley snipes, "Yes, he is unreliable." Angel asks, "Should we at least meet back here in a few hours and talk about work some more?" They agree. Freaks.
“ Wesley says, 'I seem to recall lots and lots of Jenga.' The mindwipe gets weirder and weirder. ”
As the MoG stroll through the lobby, Fred wobbles in her mom's high heels and asks what they used to do with their lives before Wolfram & Hart. Wesley says, "I seem to recall lots and lots of Jenga." The mindwipe gets weirder and weirder. Or is that what he remembers instead of the chess games? Heh: "Not chess, Ms. Morgan -- Jenga!" Cary says he's off to a client's party at SkyBar. Fred doesn't think that should count as work, but Cary sniffs, "It's all frat boys and television executives." He gets into the elevator while Gunn asks if Wesley wants to go over "the portal incantations from last Monday's Mithroc retreat." Wesley says, "We have enough work for one night; let's not worry about yesterday." What an odd line. I mean yeah, I think it's a little comment on the mindwipe, but I don't know what Wesley actually means.
The elevator arrives in the empty lobby. Lawson steps out, looking like a weird cross between Mark Harmon and Morden. The Morden part might just be the coat.
Credits. I was really dreading this episode. Not just from the WB promos -- which were particularly insane -- but way back when I'd just heard some vague spoilers, the "Angel fights Nazis in World War II" concept made every part of me cringe. It's just embarrassing and fanfic-ish. My mom and I were talking about it, and she agreed that World War I would have been more interesting. Then I figured that it had to be WW2 for the submarine, but five minutes of Googling has taught me that there were U-boats and other subs crossing the Atlantic in 1916. Isn't that neat? I learned stuff! So it seems like they just set it during WW2 so they could be particularly heavy-handed. Anyway, it turns out that the episode isn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be. And yet it's still not very good.
Fred arrives in the lab and finds Lawson already there, even though she was already heading to the lab when he -- oh, whatever. Lawson is chuckling as he looks over some papers, and greets her by explaining that he used to have a head for numbers. He says, "It's funny how you lose part of your mind when you stop using it." Fred's nervous, and Lawson reassures her that he just wants to talk. He asks if she enjoys her work -- if she looks forward to it when she wakes up. Fred admits that she used to have some doubts about it as she starts to move past Lawson, and then he tells her not to run: "I'd have to stop you." He says that he wants to talk to Angel: "I was friends with him back in the day, back when he was in his patriotic phase."
“ Hang on. As part of their eeeevil Nazi experiment, they actually put 'Three (3) captured vampires' on the cargo manifest? Well, the Germans do love their paperwork. ”
Pan across newspaper headlines about the war as the caption indicates, "New York City, 1943." Angel is sitting in an apartment, staring into space, listening to music. Then the door is bashed in, and Angel doesn't even have time to complain, "Hey, that's my job!" before he's knocked down by the men who rush in. One aims a crossbow at him, one holds a very large stake, and a third -- named Commander Petrie even though nobody calls him that on-camera -- tells Angel to calm down as one more guy enters. Angel sits down and gives them all his surliest look. Petrie asks if Angel's ever thought about joining the war effort. Angel hasn't. Petrie grumbles about German U-boats for a while, and finally gets around to mentioning that the American forces captured a prototype sub a few days ago. Angel mutters, "That's...great news." Petrie adds that something went wrong on board, and that they got a distress call from the sub last night. He asks, "Have you ever heard dying men screaming for their lives? " A guy in the back of the room, Mr. Fury, sniffs, "'Course he has." Much glaring ensues. Petrie says that the sub's in hostile waters, too deep to send divers down. Well, duh. If it's in hostile waters, how would you get a diver to it? And what would the diver do if the original crew couldn't deal with things? Fury notes that the water pressure wouldn't be a problem for Angel, and announces, "I represent a relatively new agency: Demon Research Initiative. And we think that you might be the solution to our little problem." The little problem where Mutant Enemy is addicted to cutesy cross-references? No? Damn. Angel starts to say he isn't interested, and gets sucker-punched for his trouble. Fury continues, "We figure, we strap enough weight to you, you will sink, regardless of your interests." He adds that they've investigated the sub's cargo manifest, and Petrie drops a folder in Angel's lap while saying, "We think we know what attacked our boys." Hang on. As part of their eeeevil Nazi experiment, they actually put "Three (3) captured vampires" on the cargo manifest? Well, the Germans do love their paperwork. Although the problem with the whole scenario (well, one of them) is that the things that make Angel a good solution to the problem highlights how ridiculous the problem is. The Germans were moving vampires somewhere, for some reason, and they decided a vehicle without windows was the best possible means of transportation?
On the sub, Lawson checks his gun and tries to reassure the remaining crew. They've got two days of air, and they can't control the sub from where they are. One soldier adds, "That's assuming that they don't figure out how to get through that hatch." The vampires can't figure out how to open a hatch? Wow. These are some dumb vampires. As we shall see. There's also a captured Nazi aboard, and one of the Americans demands to know what the Germans were transporting. The Nazi starts speaking in German, and is interrupted by a distant scream. As the wails for help continue, Lawson makes for the hatch, but is stopped by another soldier named Spinelli. Lawson tries to go forward, Spinelli aims a gun at Lawson, and the boring standoff is interrupted by a clang as something hits the sub. I start hoping that they will go for yet another twist on the old no-reflections gag and have someone look out through the periscope, but alas, they're in the wrong part of the sub for that. The clangs continue over the ship, and Lawson decides that it's something moving toward the torpedo room. They all move through the sub. Clang, clang. Tense, tense. Not, not. We know it's Angel. We know Lawson's going to be vamped. We know way too much already, is my point, which makes all the attempts at suspense kind of lame. They listen as Angel climbs in through the torpedo tubes and then starts tapping SOS in Morse code. With guns drawn, the soldiers open the tube, and Angel pokes his giant head out at them.
“ 'An ensign, a helmsman, a handful of petty officers.' Well, they're a little bit cranky, but I wouldn't say they're -- Oh. I get it. ”
Wesley walks down a hall at Wolfram & Hart and opens his office door. Inside, he finds Fred tied to his chair and gagged. "Fred, at last! But how did you know..." he fails to say. Apparently, the sight of his fantasy coming true makes Wesley's brain stop working completely, since he immediately walks into the room and gets clobbered by Lawson, who was hiding behind the door.
On the sub, Lawson aims his gun at Angel and demands to know how he got down there without a dive suit. Angel ignores Lawson and asks for Captain Franklin, only to be told that Franklin is dead. Lawson says that he's in charge. Angel issues order "Charlie Abel Oboe Victor," and says the magic verification word is "Nautilus." The soldiers lower their guns, and Angel grumps, "Somebody wanna get these things off me?" And the camera pans down so that for a second Johanna thinks Angel meant his pants, but then we see that there are manacles and chains looped around his feet.
Spinelli ("the angry one") and Hodge ("the nervous one") walk through the sub, discussing Angel. Hodge figures that Angel is "some kind of super-soldier, like Steve Rogers or Captain America." Spinelli snaps that Steve Rogers is Captain America. Comedy! Or something.
Lawson sums up the situation for Angel (basically, it sucks). "An ensign, a helmsman, a handful of petty officers." Well, they're a little bit cranky, but I wouldn't say they're -- Oh. I get it. Angel tells Lawson to keep everyone where they are, and heads for the hatch. Lawson offers Angel his gun, but Angel says he knows what he's up against, and exits.
Angel moves through the sub and reaches another hatch. Someone on the other side begins to open it and after a moment, out pops Spicule. With black hair. In an SS jacket. Sigh. Spicule looks more dumbfounded than usual as he says, "Angelus. They'll let anyone in here."
Commercials. Johanna declares that Wesley is retarded. I say that it'd be nice if he could learn a little from this, and that maybe now whenever he walks into a room he'll compulsively check behind the door. Johanna adds that the characters should automatically check themselves when they start to say "I wish..." about anything.
When we return, Angel goggles, "You're a Nazi?" Spicule chuckles, "No, I just ate one." Spicule seems happy to see Angel. Angel looks depressed. But he always does. Spicule figures that the Nazis caught Angel, and advises him, "Don't ever go to a 'free virgin blood' party. Turns out, it's probably a trap." I love that "probably." They move back through the sub while Spicule consoles himself by claiming, "It looks like they're rounding up the baddest of the bad." Angel asks Spicule to introduce him to the others, and Spicule agrees, noting, "They're a bit stiff."
Cut to some dead crewmen (they're stiff, geddit?), and then Spicule leads Angel into the control cabin. Spicule introduces Nostroyev, a snooty Russian noblevamp, and the Prince of Lies. The Prince of Lies is Camden Toy, doing a great impression of Willem Dafoe doing an impression of Count Orlock. Spicule presents Angel as "Angelus. The Angelus." Nostroyev promptly gets into a "who's evilest" pissing match with Angel, and brags that he's the Scourge of Siberia, and the Butcher of Alexander Palace. Angel shrugs, and Nostroyev shouts, "I was Rasputin's lover!" Spicule interrupts with some vague exposition about how they got free and attacked the sailors. Angel confirms that there aren't any humans alive in the front of the ship, and says that there are a few sailors left in the torpedo room. Spicule's ready to attack, but Angel says that they aren't going to kill anyone else yet. Spicule asks why not, and Angel explains, "We're trapped at the bottom of the ocean." Spicule knows that, but the Prince of Lies looks around and says, "Ve're underwater?" Angel says they need the remaining crew to operate the sub. Spicule insists that they can figure it out, and demonstrates by flipping a couple of switches and causing a siren to start blaring. Nostroyev doesn't react to the noise, but the Prince of Lies clutches his ears and hisses in pain. Hee. Angel shuts the siren off,while Nostroyev grabs an axe and agrees to leave one sailor alive, and eat the rest. Angel stops Nostroyev from passing through the hatch, and Spicule warns Nostroyev, "[Angel] likes to pretend he's the boss." Nostroyev sneers at Angel, "You may have made a name for yourself muscling around weaker vampires, but I am Nostroyev, I will tear you open and play 'Coachmen, Spare Your Horses' on the lute of your entrails." That was a really complicated threat. Angel moves out of the way. As Nostroyev passes, Angel punches him, grabs the axe, and stakes Nostroyev with it. Poof. Angel repeats that they won't kill the sailors till they reach land. Spicule agrees by making with the two-finger salute and saying, "Heil Hitler."
Angel's up in his hateful suite working on something when Lawson enters and says, "Hiya, Chief." Angel recognizes him, and Lawson asks if Angel wonders how he got into the building. Angel sighs, "You'd be amazed how many people break into this building on a regular basis." Lawson tries to brag about how clever he is, but Angel grumps, "Sorry, but this place might as well be a bus station." Lawson natters on and on and on, and I thought he was kind of cute at first but the talking is awfully wearying. This episode is annoying me in exactly the same way "Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been" did -- alternating between the past and present storylines is removing the tension from both of them. Not that "Heartthrob" was exactly flawless, but I wish they'd used something closer to that structure instead. Start with a frame story, have some unseen person attacking the MoG, and then cue the flashbacks and tell the whole story of what happened on the sub; then when that's over, you reveal that the attacker is Lawson, and wind things up with a fight. Where was I? Lawson mentions that he's been checking on Angel "every decade or so," and asks Angel to explain how he can fight evil at Wolfram & Hart. Angel says that it's complicated. Lawson waxes nostalgic about how simple things used to be, and we fade back into the flashback.
“ Angel explains, 'Spike's not in the S.S. -- he just likes wearing the jacket.' Heh. But will someone explain his hair? I mean, why? And also, why? ”
Angel leads the human crew back into the control room and introduces them to Spicule and the Prince of Lies. Lawson starts ordering the crew around, while they try not to freak at all the dead bodies lying around. Angel escorts the Prince of Lies into a seat out of the way. The Prince eyes the controls and wheezes, "This bathysphere is perplexing," which is my favorite line, for some reason. He picks up some headphones and gingerly listens to them. Angel suggests that he and Lawson should clear the bodies out of the way.
As they tuck the bodies in on the bunks, Lawson admits that he doesn't understand what's going on, but says, "Those monsters butchered my crew Apparently they're in the S.S." Angel explains, "Spike's not in the S.S. -- he just likes wearing the jacket." Heh. But will someone explain his hair? I mean, why? And also, why? Lawson wants to know why they're keeping the vamps alive, and Angel says they may need every hand to operate the sub. Lawson keeps arguing, and finally Angel says, "You don't need to know why. We've got to bring this sub in. Those are our orders. Isn't that the point? Following orders?" Lawson rambles on about the difference between orders and purpose, and then explains why he joined the service: "I saw pictures of what the krauts were doing. Evil's spreading, Sir, and it's not just over there. It was on my ship, it killed my crew, and we gotta stop it." He goes on and on about how he doesn't mind dying if he knows it's for a good cause, and I wish they'd get attacked by a kraken or something. Angel insists that this will help them win the war, and tells Lawson, "I don't need you to understand every detail. Just know [that] we're fighting on the same side. I need you to trust that I'm going to get us all through this, safe and sound."
In the present, Lawson indulges in more rhetoric and asks if Angel cared about what was happening, or if he just wanted to save himself. Well, I hope it's the latter. Angel asks Lawson what he actually wants, because he's as tired of this as I am. Lawson says he wants to understand. Angel asks what exactly Lawson means, and when Lawson starts blathering again, Angel kicks the coffee table at Lawson, knocking him over. Angel moves to stake Lawson, but Lawson gasps, "Sure you want to do that, Chief?" Angel says, "I'm fairly certain I said I'd kill you if I ever saw you again." Lawson chuckles, "Would I really come in here unarmed, knowing that?"Angel tosses the stake away and asks, "What did you do?"
Lawson and Angel step out of the elevator into Angel's office. Angel stops upon seeing that Gunn, Fred, and Wesley are tied up and standing on office chairs, with wire nooses around their necks. They've been down there all this time and couldn't escape? Losers. Lawson repeats Angel's lecture about how they'll all get through this safe and sound. Unless they're accidentally knocked unconscious by the giant sledgehammers the writers are using to bang things home.
Commercials. Johanna and I talk about the "Free Virgin Blood" parties, and I ask her, "So, who's dumber? Wesley, or Spicule?" She declines to answer. Then I spend some time wondering if Lawson has spent the past sixty years just rehearsing all of these damn speeches. Johanna hopes that it turns out that the Prince of Lies got a soul, too, and that he bursts in at the end to rescue everyone from Lawson, and then Shanshus. I say, "And that's how the Prince of Lies became the Prince of Truth!"
Lawson explains that Angel should be careful that they don't accidentally knock the MoG off their chairs with some "roughhousing." Angel more nervously insists that this isn't the way for Lawson to get what he wants. Lawson says he's getting it already: "The worry in your eyes. Fear of what might happen ." And he goes on and on some more.
Back to the sub. Nautical talk. Lawson asks one of the crew if he needs any help with the bow plane, and the sailor says, "Chris has got it," and gestures to the St. Christopher medal tied around the controls. Angel enters, reading something, followed by Spicule, who's whining. God. So many whiny people on one submarine. It's inhuman. Spicule says, "I'm playing nice with the anchovies, like you asked." Shouldn't he have said "sardines"? Whine and whine and Spicule wants Angel to call him "Captain," pointing out, "I did eat him." The other sailors get a bit tense at that. Angel tells Spicule to check the torpedoes, and shoves him out of the room. Lawson frets about Spicule, and confirms that Angel knew him "from before this." They have a chat about the crew's morale, but Lawson thinks they'll be okay. And of course that's when someone off-camera starts to scream.
Angel and Lawson find the Prince of Lies attacking the German prisoner and waving around some papers. The Prince hisses, "I am as ancient as the darkness itself!" Angel's expression is priceless as he says, "Yeah, you're real old, we know." The Prince goes on ranting about "violations on my temple," and moves threateningly toward the German. Angel tries to pull the Prince back, and gets knocked over for his trouble. Lawson starts shooting at the Prince, and the Prince knocks Lawson away and turns back toward the German. The Prince grabs the German by the neck and says, "I will suck the brain from your skull and digest your thoughts like a sour pudding." And then he gets dusted by Angel. Aw. I liked him. The German starts thanking Angel, and Angel punches him, which is kind of ungracious. From the doorway, Hodge gasps, "He stabbed him and he just exploded!" Lawson orders the crew back to their stations and picks up his gun while asking if Angel could explain. Angel finally says, "Vampire." Lawson admits that the explanation doesn't help, and wonders what the Prince was yapping about. Spicule materializes from nowhere and guesses that the papers have something to do with it. He holds the bundle of papers up and asks, "Anybody read Nazi?"