Props to Sci Fi Gal and Vandalisimo.
We open with -- what the heck is this? A warehouse, instead of the Wolfram & Hart building? And we're watching a security guard make his rounds, instead of joining the MoG in the process of rehashing the premise? Hell, did I tape the wrong show? The guard roams through some dark, moody passages, and then hears a mysterious clink and goes to investigate. He checks in on his walkie-talkie, announcing that he's found an open basement door. He descends a staircase and suddenly runs into -- aieee! Oh, it's just a plumber. Phew. The plumber explains that he was replacing a septic pipe, and the guard checks in again via walkie-talkie to announce that all is well. That's just asking for trouble. The plumber starts up the stairs and turns a corner, whereupon he is suddenly flung back down the stairs. The guard runs upstairs and is knocked back by a silhouetted figure. The guard, his face cut, tries to crawl backwards as he screams, "Noooo!" And then we watch the shadows on the wall as he's stabbed by the mysterious attacker.
Only then do we return to the familiar corridors of Wolfram & Hart -- specifically, to the mail cart that is trundled along by the colorfully masked mailman we've seen in several episodes already. Although this is the first time I've noticed the large silver "5" on the mask. Trundle, trundle, trundle. This goes on a little longer than it needs to as he makes his rounds collecting mail. And never delivering anything. He's stopped by Cary, who blocks the cart and asks for professional advice. Cary holds up two greeting cards and says, "Sexy soccer mama or brainy beauty?" After a beat, he clarifies: "You're an aging sexpot celebrating a decade of turning twenty-nine. You've got two little rugrats that aren't that little, a husband who thinks the extras trailer is a buffet table, and gravity ain't doing you any favors." Cary wants to know which birthday card to send, but then he spots Fred headed down the hallway. Cary calls to her, saying that she's "sorta like a woman." The problem I have here is that I don't believe that Cary would need advice on how to flatter anyone, much less that he'd accidentally insult Fred that way. Unless he's still recovering from the sleep deprivation. Anyway, Fred points out that Cary's comment wasn't much of an ego boost, but nonetheless advises Cary to send flowers instead of a card. As she walks away, Cary calls, "You're all woman. You're every woman! You're Wonder Woman!" The mailman moves on. Bye, Cary. See you week.
“ Also, can Spicule only pick up mugs? That would be funny. 'Sorry, can't help, mate. That's a glass.' ”
In the conference room, Angel starts to sign a contract with fountain pen, but stops to ask if the red ink he's using is blood. Gunn says that it is: "But it's okay. It's yours." Angel finishes his signature, and he has neater handwriting than I expected. Gunn explains that demonic contracts require blood signatures. He puts another contract in front of Angel and asks for his "Herbie Hancock." Heh. Gunn collets the papers and sums things up: "As CEO and President of Wolfram & Hart, you just bankrupted a company that dumps raw demon waste into Santa Monica Bay, banished a clan of Pyro-Warlocks into a hell dimension, and started a foster care program for kids whose parents have been killed by vampires." Angel isn't enthused about his accomplishments, and Gunn says that he knows Angel would rather be rescuing chicks, and I almost burst into tears because yes it's exposition, but it sounds relatively natural and has enough amusing frills to keep it from boring me to tears. ["Which, if it actually did make you cry, would be ironic. Heh." -- Wing Chun] Gunn's lines, about how much he likes being Legal Boy, aren't quite as smooth, particularly when he concludes, "You've always had your special powers; now I have mine."
With a woosh, Spicule appears, sitting on the table, and starts right in on the whining. Actually, here's something I like about Spicule: that little "woosh" reminds me of all the sound effects on Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Oh, Lemmer, will you never win? He asks if anyone wants to trade special powers: "I'll swap [with] you, two-for-one. Walking through walls, picking up mugs, in exchange for -- I don't know. How about me not being dead?" Johanna and I wait for Angel to point out that he can already pick up mugs, so that's not much of a trade. Also, can Spicule only pick up mugs? That would be funny. "Sorry, can't help, mate. That's a glass." Angel snaps, "How about you not being here?" and Spicule smirks, "If wishes were horses..." Angel looks uncomfortable and gets up to go brood at the window. Gunn tries to cheer Angel up by noting that "in-house attacks are down 30% this week." Hee. He also claims that they've done more good in a month than they did in a year before. But it's such a boring kind of good. Angel moans that he feels disconnected, and that sets Spicule off on another round of complaining. Spicule tells Angel, "Try bobbin' around with no touch or taste or smell. Not many fates worse than that, I'd wager." On cue, the mailman enters, and Spicule concedes, "Okay, maybe that." Gunn, ignoring Spicule, agrees with Angel that he misses "mixing it up sometimes." Wesley promptly enters to announce that three people have been found in the past few hours with their hearts removed. The mailman stops piling mail on Angel's desk, to listen. Wesley says that the police are on it, but he thinks it's demonic work. The mailman trundles back out as the MoG decide to investigate. Gunn notices an envelope on the table and calls after the mailman. Well, shouldn't you put that in an outbox or something? Or is the mailman supposed to look around every room just in case there's something to be mailed somewhere? No wonder he's cranky. Angel grabs the envelope and goes after the mailman.
“ The foster home should be the premise for the season of Angel. They could move back to the Hyperion and raise an ethnically diverse group of adorable moppets who they struggle teach heartwarming lessons about the ups and downs of life, while also battling the forces of darkness. Sort of My Two Dads meets Friday the 13th: The Series. ”
Out in the hallway, Angel walks up to the mailman and grabs his arm to stop him. The mailman whirls around and shoves Angel through one of the large windows that line the office. Then the mailman trundles on. From behind the broken window, Angel says, "I really hate this place."
Credits. I call Johanna, and we decide that the foster home should be the premise for the season of Angel. They could move back to the Hyperion and raise an ethnically diverse group of adorable moppets who they struggle teach heartwarming lessons about the ups and downs of life, while also battling the forces of darkness. Sort of My Two Dads meets Friday the 13th: The Series.
We return as Wesley, Gunn, and Spicule find Angel in a pile of broken glass. Angel explains that the mailman threw him, and Spicule starts snickering, but for a change I don't blame him. Gunn promptly calls Security while Wesley asks why the mailman attacked Angel. We can see a number of curious onlookers in the background, as Angel wonders if he just startled the mailman. Gunn says he's taking no chances. Fred wanders in, and Spicule promptly calls, "Fred! Did you hear? Angel attacked the old mail guy." Fred, horrified, asks if Angel hurt the guy, and Angel stumblingly tries to explain that actually, the mailman attacked him. Gunn's phone rings, and he tells the others that Security is escorting the mailman out of the building. He pauses to confirm that Angel wants to fire the guy, and Angel says, "Look, really, I'm fine. Let's just get back to the --" Then Cary walks in and marvels at the broken window. Spicule once again says that Angel beat up the mailman, and Cary tells Angel, "Word on the web has you sucker-punching Grandpa Moses." He comforts an increasingly exasperated Angel by adding, "Once the word spreads you beat up an innocent old man, well, the truly terrible will think twice before going toe-to-toe with our avenging Angel." Spicule agrees: "The geriatric community will be soiling their nappies when they hear you're on the case." He gives Angel a thumbs-up. Tee hee. Angel insists that he didn't beat anyone up, and tries to turn the subject back to the murder victims Wesley mentioned. Wesley says that the total is up to four now: "Another one was just found in a church after an All Souls mass." He expositions that today is the Mexican Day of the Dead. Oh, is Morden gonna show up? He'd fit in so well at Wolfram & Hart.
Blipvert to Angel driving a shiny car. But at least it's an old convertible, similar to the dearly departed Angelmobile (sniff), but red. The thing that I like is that the radio is on, and apparently is tuned to a 1950s rockabilly station. Spicule's in the passenger seat, and Gunn and Wesley are in back. Fred and Cary might be in the trunk, I guess, re-enacting Out of Sight. Oh gosh, that'd be weird in so many ways. Gunn and the audience wonder why Spicule's there, and he explains that, basically, he's got nothing better to do. Wesley chimes in: "Remind me again how you ended up in the front seat?" Spicule chuckles that he called shotgun. Wesley, nonplussed, lifts up the shotgun in his lap and sighs, "I thought we were doing a weapons check." Ha! I loved that. Gunn reveals that he's armed, too, with a non-hubcap axe. Wesley checks a map and says that the church is nearby, and Angel suddenly does a bootlegger's turn, squealing the car around until it's parked neatly at a curb. He hops out and grabs a sword before hurrying off. But he leaves the radio playing so that Spicule's not bored while he's waiting, I guess. Spicule sighs, "Always was a bit of a drama queen." Johanna thinks it's funny when Spicule, of all people, accuses Angel of being melodramatic.
“ Spicule grabs the two-by-four and swings it at the demon, only to discover that he hasn't actually picked it up. He should have come armed with a deadly coffee mug. ”
We pan down past some dolls hanging in an alley to see Angel standing over a body. The others join him, and Gunn asks if Angel heard the victim scream. Angel stomps off for no apparent reason, and Spicule explains that Angel smelled the blood. Wesley examines the body while Angel looks at some boxes. Wesley explains that the victim's heart is missing, and adds, "Based on these blood spatters, I'd say it was still beating when it was removed." Because if the heart had stopped beating, the blood would hardly splatter at all? Guh? Angel says that the blood is fresh, and Wesley guesses that the murderer could still be nearby. Spicule, looking in the opposite direction, predictably says, "I'd say ten, eleven feet." They all turn to see an armored, lumpy-faced demon snarling at them. Angel immediately starts with the sword-fu. Wesley and Gunn pick up their weapons, and Spicule looks around uselessly. The demon manages to clobber Angel with its shield, spinning him into a pile of boxes. Wesley starts firing the shotgun, which never, ever works. But he keeps on trying. The demon sends Wesley flying into some handy soft bags of something. Gunn's turn. He sinks the axe into the demon's back, and then lets go of it in order to quip more effectively. The demon whirls to face him, the axe still wedged into his back, and Gunn sighs, "time, I hold onto the axe." Spicule helpfully says, "Not that way, you git!" I don't know if he means "Don't retreat that way" or what. Maybe he should be more specific. He spots a two-by-four on the ground and tells himself to focus as he reaches for it. Spicule grabs the two-by-four and swings it at the demon, only to discover that he hasn't actually picked it up. He should have come armed with a deadly coffee mug. Also, how observant do you have to be to know whether you're holding something? In the meantime, Gunn manages to yank the axe out of the demon, but he's quickly knocked down behind a retreating Spicule just as Angel stands up. The demon growls at Angel again, and then shoves a dumpster at him. Angel's knocked back a bit, and when he looks up again, the demon is gone. I still miss the bigger stunts (but not the slow motion, just so we're clear), but the timing in that last bit was nice. And it's still the first act, and we know who the bad guy is, and we've seen him, and there's been a fight. Crazy.
Back at the Wolfram & Hart lab, Gunn hands his axe to Fred and asks her to analyze the demon's blood. This will turn out to be pointless. Much like Fred herself. Fred techobabbles; Gunn leaves. Spicule wooshes in and tells Fred that he's avoiding "General Grumpypants." Fred uses the "C" word and says Spicule should know what it's like, since he saved the world himself. Spicule admits, "I just stood there. Let the fire come. Nothing real heroic about that." Don't sell yourself short, dude. It may not have been heroic, but it was absolutely hilarious. Also, I wish he wouldn't say everything with such deep significance. The lines are casual and he says them like there's hidden meaning to them, and I don't think Marsters is a bad actor, but he consistently plays light scenes as if they're Masterpiece Theater dramas, and it saps all of the energy out of a scene. Fred points out that Spicule saved her life, and I start to wonder if we know for sure that Spicule isn't actually evil. That'd be a twist, eh?
“ 'There is a suggestion that the vampire will get to live again.' Spicule oh-so- casually wonders if a certain battle at the Hellmouth counts as apocalyptic. I'd say no, because I think 'apocalypse' implies that there's a threat to the entire world rather than a danger that a half-dozen idiots might be killed. ”
Wesley, in his office, tells an assistant to "cross-reference the weapons list against both Aztec and Incan artifacts." What about the Toltecs, man? What about the Toltecs? He looks over the shoulder of a woman doing research at a computer and advises her, "Think predatory bird meets demonic gladiator." Wesley picks up a book and whispers, "Xiochimayan Codex." He opens the book as runes appear on the page. Hey. They didn't exposition about the magic books. They actually trust that, if we see words magically appearing in a book according to a spoken instruction, we will understand that these are magical reference books. Angel walks in and asks what Wesley's learned. Wesley uses a lot of words to say that he hasn't actually learned anything yet, but that he might, any second now. Angel babbles uselessly in the doorway before finally saying that he'll be hanging out in his office. Wesley sits down at the desk and starts looking over the Codex. After a moment, Wesley says, "I wasn't aware that you could read Cuauhtitlan pictograms." From behind Wesley, Spicule admits that he can't, and asks if Wesley's looking at a book of prophecies. Wesley offers a little exposition about the magic books, explaining, "Each one ties into a discipline within the Wolfram & Hart archives. This one is linked to historical narratives." He points at another book nearby and says that it's the one for prophecies. Spicule asks if Wesley could look up the "sans shoes thingamabob," and Wesley corrects him: "Shanshu prophecy, yes." Wesley explains that the prophecy is about "an epic, apocalyptic battle, and a vampire with a soul who plays a major role in that battle. And there is a suggestion that the vampire will get to live again." Spicule oh-so-casually wonders if a certain battle at the Hellmouth counts as apocalyptic. I'd say no, because I think "apocalypse" implies that there's a threat to the entire world rather than a danger that a half-dozen idiots might be killed. Wesley diplomatically admits that there's nothing specific about the battle or the vampire, and then sniffs, "No, I imagine it could be any vampire with a soul. Who isn't a ghost." Zing. Spicule defensively says that he doesn't buy any of it, adding, "It's a bedtime story to get vampires to play nice." Johanna wonders what on earth he means, since very few vampires seem interested in becoming human again. Wesley, all out of zingers, retreats to the pathetic: "Says you." Spicule retorts that Angel doesn't believe in the prophecy either. Wesley looks perturbed at that, but then they're interrupted by the woman at the computer. Wesley tells her to print out what she's found, and Spicule reaches out to fondle the prophecy book. Did he stop painting his nails? Shame.
Wesley hands Angel a printout and explains that it's an Aztec demon named Tezcatcatl, which last appeared exactly fifty years ago. He thinks that the Day of the Dead timing might just be a coincidence, but according to their records, "Tezcatcatl rose in the same place, East Los Angeles, killed over a dozen people before it was finally defeated." Angel asks how it was beaten, and Wesley says that five brothers destroyed it, but that four of them were killed in the battle. Spicule points out that they didn't destroy it completely, and Angel wonders if the surviving brother is still around. Wesley says with deep significance that he is, and Angel blithely asks for his number.
“ Cinco says he's retired. Yeah, but Angel doesn't want you do anything but tell a story, dude. Isn't that the kind of thing retired people like to do anyway? 'Back in my day, we beat the Aztec demons with nothing but coffee mugs!' ”
Cut to Angel knocking on an apartment door. The door opens to reveal the mailman, still wearing his mask. Since he's lost his job, I'm going to stop calling him the mailman now and just call him Cinco, which will be less confusing and save us from any Short Circuit confusion. We go to commercials so that we have time to get over the surprise. We can also spend the break wondering why Wesley gave Angel the address instead of a phone number, and why Angel thought it would be a good idea to go alone.
When we return, Angel has time for a surprised "Hi!" before Cinco grabs him by the coat and hauls him into the apartment, throwing him against a wall. Angel grunts, "Stop doing that!" Cinco wonders if their last conversation was unclear, and Angel shoves Cinco away and correctly points out that it wasn't really a conversation. Cinco insists, "I heard you speaking. You were going to drag me into your quest for the Aztec demon." Angel explains that, actually, he was just trying to give him some mail. Cinco says, "Oh. Sorry." Hee. Angel adds that now he is dragging Cinco into it, but instead of dragging the guy anywhere, he throws him across the apartment before explaining, "I need your help." Angel, maybe you shouldn't toss people around prior to asking them for favors. Cinco seems pretty calm about it, though; he picks himself up and straightens his shirt and mask. Angel says he wants to know how Cinco's family beat Tezcatcatl last time. Cinco says he's retired. Yeah, but Angel doesn't want you do anything but tell a story, dude. Isn't that the kind of thing retired people like to do anyway? "Back in my day, we beat the Aztec demons with nothing but coffee mugs!" Angel says, "Wearing that mask doesn't exactly hide your past." It doesn't exactly announce it, either, though. Cinco explains, "It reminds me that only a fool would want to be a champion." Do you need a reminder for that? It seems self-evident, and if you do need a reminder, maybe a memo book or a Palm Pilot would be simpler. Angel asks if Cinco thinks that his brothers were fools. Cinco slugs Angel and tells him not to be disrespectful. He says that his brothers were "honorable men. Luchadores. Mexican wrestlers. The greatest that ever lived." He adds that they were known as "Los Hermanos Numeros." Angel asks, "The number brothers?" I was thinking "the many brothers," but either way, it's not the catchiest name. Angel notices a little tabletop shrine piled with candles and photos and stuff. He helpfully picks up a photo so that we can see the brothers in all their glory, each wearing a numbered mask. Angel notes, "You guys had no problem getting past the whole irony thing now, did you?" That's not irony. Cinco replaces the photo in the shrine and retorts, "It was a different time. One that no longer exists." As opposed to all those other different times that currently exist.
The music fades up as we go into a wrestling flashback. Dos's mask is clearly the coolest: the "2" is off-center so it goes around his eye. He's facing off against another wrestler while the rest of the brothers, and the large crowd, cheer him on. I guess it's possible to recap a wrestling match, but I'm just going to bop around to the music for a minute. Pa-ba-ba bum bum, pa-ba-ba bum bum.... While that goes on, Cinco expositions that "women loved us, men wanted to be us," and so on and so forth. The match ends, and the brothers are victorious, as Cinco says that they never lost a match. Then he adds, "But not all of our battles were in the ring." A gangster in the audience suddenly stands up and aims a shotgun at the brothers. Cinco spots him and calls his brothers, who quickly put their hands together and launch Cinco out into the crowd. As he flips down toward the gangster, the image freezes and we return to the present.
Angel and Cinco are now sitting in the living room. Cinco says, "No one else cared about Mexicans or Chicanos, so we protected our own." He says that they "came together as a fist" against monsters, vampires, gangsters, even telephone companies. Maybe not that last one. He adds, "We protected the weak, and we helped the helpless." Angel allows that he know a little about that gig. Cinco says that he and his brothers were inseparable. It has to be kind of annoying to be cast for a fairly large role on a prime-time network show and then discover that your face is going to be covered up for the entire episode. And the wrestling mask is even less expressive than a monster mask would be.
We're off in another flashback. Cinco narrates that they never fought, and that these were the happiest days of his life. In a small bar, Cinco, Dos, and Uno are playing cards wearing suits, ties, and their masks. A woman in a va-va-voom red dress strolls past them, and we see that Tres is at the bar. The woman picks up a drink, walks over to Cuatro, and gives him a peck on the cheek. Cuatro, his shirt sleeves rolled up, is lifting a barbell while also puffing on a cigarette. Heh.
Angel interrupts: "You guys always wore your masks?" Johanna wondered how he could tell that from Cinco's story. Maybe he's really, really good at picturing stuff. Cinco explains (sort of) that they had to be ready for action at any moment. Angel nods like that totally makes sense, which makes me laugh. I wonder if wearing the mask all the time would solve some of Peter Parker's problems.
Back in the flashback, a telephone rings. Cinco answers it and listens for a moment, and then hangs up to call to his brothers. With a dramatic guitar strum, the brothers all look at him. Cuatro pauses his weight-lifting to give Cinco his full attention. Cinco announces, "The devil has built a robot!" Bwa! Dos throws his cards down and stands up with Uno. Cuatro drops the barbell to the floor. The brothers all shout, "Andale!" and then rush out of the room. Probably to their, um, Luchadormobile? I wonder if it's a Luchadelorean. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm giddy from actually enjoying the show this week.
Cinco asks Angel, "Surely you have heard about our great victory over the devil's robot?" Angel shakes his head slightly and apologizes like he can't quite believe he's having this conversation. Cinco sighs, "Nobody remembers the good stuff." Heh. Angel asks for information about the Aztec demon again. Cinco pauses for a brief flashback of Tezcatcatl waving its sword around, then asks, "What can I say about a demon who killed the people that mattered most to me?" Angel suggests starting with how Cinco defeated it. Cinco claims he can't remember, and Angel wonders if he just doesn't care. Cinco says that he tried to go on after his brothers were killed, and we return to Flashbackland.