Hey, guess what? This will be my 109th piece for TWoP. It really ought to be my 110th, except I got delayed by the fact that those sadistic bastards at the WB thought it would be really great to show ten new episodes without a break, and wow, that was great for watching but sucked for, y'know, me. Anyway, warm fuzzy props to Wing, Sars, and Glark, and about fifty other people, who I'd list except I'd leave someone out and feel horrible. Y'all rock, though. And applause to everyone behind the past season of Angel , because that was some nice work.
Until now. Sigh.
Previously on Angel, Darla died for the fourth time, Connor went to hell in a Holtz-basket, Holland rode a hellevator, Lilah probably wished she was in hell, Angelus said hello, Wesley cut off the wrong head, Connor was armed and necked, and Lilah came back. Also, Angel sank beneath the waves, drowning not waving, where he stayed and dreamed a while on loving and being loved. That part wasn't in the previews, but I've got a self-indulgent motif-type-thing happening, so leave me alone.
As usual, we start seconds after the last episode ended. Angel stands up and stares at Lilah. She rather jerkily enters the room and asks if Angel thought he was the only one who got to come back from hell. She fans herself and adds, "Speaking of which, could I possibly get some ice water?" Wesley insists that it's not really Lilah, and with that, the show sets a new record for how soon I have to pause the tape and shout, "What?" In the last episode, it was strongly implied that the MoG ran into Lilah outside the hotel. Then, apparently, they came back into the hotel, bathed, changed clothes, and hung out in the office waiting for Angel to arrive. And they didn't talk to Lilah at all during that period? If Wesley had doubts about who she was, he was saving them for when Angel arrived? I suppose it's a small thing, but this episode is full of small things that make me tired. Fine, so Wesley insists, "It's a lie," and Lilah adds, "--Lah. It's a Li-lah." Heh. Angel confirms that it is really Lilah, adding that she's also really dead. Gunn asks if she's a vampire, and Lilah explains that she didn't drink from Angelus, plus Wesley took precautions. Ew. Then she pulls her collar down so we can see the scar around her neck. She tells Wesley, "It's okay, lover. I never felt a thing." Wesley hisses, "I'm sure that's true." Lilah explains that her contract with Wolfram & Hart extends beyond death due to the "standard perpetuity clause." She gets to the point, and says she has an offer for them. Fred can't believe Wolfram & Hart have anything they'd want. Lilah replies, "I don't think you'll want it, but you'll take it. Because this is the offer of a lifetime." Zoom in on Lilah. Beat. "Just not, y'know, mine."
Credits. I call Johanna, and complain about the business with the MoG changing clothes and apparently not saying a word to Lilah until Angel arrived. "And Wesley doesn't even live at the hotel! So he went home, showered, changed, and came back?" Johanna suggests that Wesley stayed at the hotel while Jasmine was there, which is a good point, but I'm already busy with my own scenario: "So he's like, 'Don't say a word! I don't want to miss anything, but I really have to change!' And then he drives home and -- hey! No he doesn't, Fred stole his car!" "She did?" "Unless she has her own SUV, yeah, she took his car when she escaped Jasmine. Okay, so maybe they all went in Gunn's truck to retrieve the SUV, and maybe stopped for the Angelmobile, too, and then Wesley stopped at his place for clothes, and then everyone sat around in the office, staring at Lilah, but not actually speaking to her..." Johanna suggests that Lilah asked them all to change, because they were looking pretty nasty: "Maybe she was like, 'I'm a resuscitated corpse, and I think you guys are stinky.'" It's a mystery. Enjoy your final Boreanaz quote of the season: "The overall theme is trying to find some sense of making [Angel] a mortal in an immortality kind of world." That's one way of putting it.
We return. The MoG stare at Lilah. And shift. And ponder. It's amusing. Cary sips his drink. I do likewise. Still silence. Okay, now it's very funny. On the other hand, this is a full minute of screen time spent on a joke. And having seen descriptions of some of the things that were cut for lack of time, leaving this in at their expense seems like a bad call. Once the credits are done with, Gunn finally speaks: "You wanna run that by us one more time?" It turns out that Lilah is offering them the L.A. branch of Wolfram & Hart. She explains, "We give. You win. The Senior Partners are ceding this territory to you." She says they'll own "the building, assets, personnel, letterhead, paperclips, all of it." Fred points out that the L.A. branch was destroyed by Satan. In fact, weren't all of them? Wasn't that the point of the whole "Lilah has to hide in the sewers" thing? Or was that just Wesley being wrong again? Lilah says that the office is tidied up and de-zombied. Gunn says, "You want to give us your evil law firm? We ain't lawyers!" Fred adds, "Or evil! Currently." Lilah says that the MoG can do whatever they want with it; it's their reward for ending world peace. Wesley insists that Jasmine was creating a "slave state," not world peace, but Lilah's all tomato-tomahto. Angel mentions Jasmine's dietary habits, and Lilah sniffs, "They knew what they were getting into." "Her stomach?" Cary shrieks, in my favorite line delivery of the episode. Lilah replies, "She consumed, what, a couple dozen souls a day? Now, weigh that against ending the suffering of millions." With a big grin, she adds, "But you fixed that!" Fred disagrees unconvincingly, and Lilah gives her a hilarious questioning look. Stephanie Romanov is great. And pretty. Lilah says she's "dead and running late," and invites them to consider the offer. There'll be a limo outside before dawn for anyone who wants to get "the grand tour." After she leaves, Fred whines, "We ended a nefarious global domination scheme, not world peace. Right?" Everyone looks at Angel.
Outside they're staging the usual riot, but Connor prefers it to the silence, yes he's more afraid of quiet. He walks along the street, then turns and looks up at someone in dark clothes pacing on a nearby rooftop. I assume he thinks it's Angel, since I did.
But it's actually a cop. Up on the rooftop, Connor approaches and asks if the cop's okay. The cop frets, "I lost something. Something I need. I can't find it!" He asks if Connor can help him look. Connor says, "I don't think I can. I think it's gone." The cop looks at the gun in his hand, and starts to aim it at his head. Connor grabs the cop's arm and insists, "What you're feeling right now won't last." He helps the cop put the gun in its holster, and tells him to go home. The cop is confused, and Connor sighs, "You got one, don't you?" The cop pulls out his wallet and shows some family photos to Connor. He mutters, "That's Sarah, and that's Jill. That's my home, right there." Connor growls, "That's your family and you were just gonna leave them like that? How were they gonna feel if you didn't come back?" The cop gasps, "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." Connor starts to leave, and then turns back and punches the cop, knocking him down. Then he starts pummeling the cop, grunting, "You were gonna leave 'em, huh? Think about this!" I'm not entirely sure I buy this. I don't know. I can believe Connor would punch the guy once. Or I can believe Connor would snap the guy's neck. There's just something about the prolonged beating that feels off.
Wesley is marking up a map. It's a thrill a minute at the Hyperion! He marks the spot where Angel fought with Jasmine, and guesses that she was headed for Cordelia. Who they know wasn't eaten or killed. Except they don't know that; it was a random assumption that Wesley made. Wesley guesses that Connor will be with Cordelia. Why is Wesley's shirt unbuttoned down the chest? Wesley suggests a search in an "ever-expanding perimeter." Gunn says that they'll need help, and wonders if Wolfram & Hart's resources might be useful. Wesley asks whether Gunn thinks that's an option. When was Gunn replaced with an evil doppelganger? Maybe growing the goatee made him turn evil gradually. Remember when Gunn nixed the idea of trying to get information from Wolfram & Hart in "Tomorrow"? It seems like this is intended to parallel that, and show how Gunn's views have changed, which would be interesting except we've seen absolutely nothing to suggest that he's been turning into a big fan of moral relativism. Gunn is the guy who likes busting heads, not redeeming people. Gunn is the one who figures a few thousand dead lawyers is a good start. When undead antagonistic lawyers make an offer, Gunn's not the sort of guy who's going to be open-minded about it. Anyway, this bewildering new version of Gunn says, "I know it's an option, 'cause I was standing there when the dead lady offered it to us." After a moment, he apologizes and says it must have been hard for Wesley to face Lilah. Wesley almost dreamily says, "Oh, yes, that was awkward, wasn't it?" Heh. He adds, "You decapitate a loved one, you don't expect them to come visiting." Gunn blinks and asks, "'Loved one'?" and Wesley grunts that it's a figure of speech. I ask Johanna if we're meant to think that Gunn is only now aware of Wesley and Lilah's relationship, even though that point has been stressed so much that it's showing fault lines. Johanna suggests that maybe Gunn's just surprised to learn that it wasn't purely physical, but I'm not sure that helps. Although I guess Gunn would be a little bewildered at the way Wesley was hitting on Fred if he really cared about Lilah at the time.
Cary enters the lobby, where Angel is finishing getting dressed. In the lobby. In front of Fred. I don't even want to know what's going on there. Cary says he couldn't find any leads on Connor or Cordy. Why do they keep sending Cary out to talk to his sources when they never turn out to be useful? Maybe Cary doesn't really have any sources. Maybe he just slips out for happy hour and then comes back saying, "Gee, no luck, sorry." Cary also reports that things outside look grim, and then heads for the bar he seems to have installed in the front desk. He's got his priorities; I respect that. Wesley and Gunn enter, and Angel insists that they have to find Connor and Cordy. Gunn starts to suggest Wolfram & Hart again, although he doesn't get as far as saying their name. Why didn't they give all of this open-minded stuff to Fred? There's really no suggestion too idiotic for her to make, so it wouldn't be as big a problem for me. Angel growls, "You wanna get into that limo when it gets here? That's up to you." He says it's their decision to make, adding, "But know this: before the ride's even over, before you cross through their doors, you'll be corrupted." He grabs his coat and heads out to search for Connor. Fred tells Gunn, "I can't believe he thought you meant --" because she's dim. Gunn interrupts to declare that he's going to bed. There's some more time thrown away on awkward silence, and then Wesley decides he should go home as well. Fred stares around, confused. And dim.
In the wee small hours, Fred sneaks downstairs, carrying her shoes. Because in this gigantic hotel, Gunn or Cary might hear her walking along the carpet in the middle of the night. With their super-hearing. This is yet another scene that's takes thirty seconds to establish something that we wouldn't have missed. Suppose we started with Fred outside. Would the audience be saying, "Gosh, how'd that happen? Did she walk down the stairs, or slide down the banister? I must know!" She gets outside and sees the limo parked on the street. Wesley says, "I don't know how long it's been here." Because I'm sure that question was uppermost in Fred's mind. Fred says she thought she'd be the only one there. Wesley sniffs, "I thought for sure I wouldn't be. Although I wasn't expecting it to be you." Fred nervously says, "If they are up to something --" "We should know what it is," Gunn finishes. He's wearing a light blue Jersey shirt that I strongly dislike. Johanna claims it's a nice color on him, which I'm not sure about, but I definitely don't like the cut. Way too frat-boy. They all stand together and stare at the limo. Wesley asks, "What are the odds the humans would be the most corruptible?" Wesley, what sort of being does Wolfram & Hart employ? While you ponder that, how about shutting up? They slowly walk toward the car, because everything must take as long as possible, and Gunn says they're just going to take the tour. Wesley agrees, "Go into this with our eyes open and our wits about us. There shouldn't be any --" "Surprises?" Angel asks. These people are clearly spending way too much time together. If I were one of them, I'd start saying nonsensical things just so people wouldn't finish my sentences for -- Oh my God, that's why Fred says crazy things! It all becomes clear! Angel walks for the car, sighing, "What the hell?" He opens the limo door, and there's a sudden blast of music from the car radio as we see Cary inside. Cary is telling the driver, "So it's an evil limo, I get that, but does that mean we don't restock the cherries?" Cary turns to look at the rest of the gang and gapes for a moment before saying, "Hi!"
Dramatic music. Elevator doors open as the MoG step out into the main lobby of Wolfram & Hart. Which is now a mall. It's meant to be a big open office building, and it's airy and spacious and bright and completely without personality. Because it's a mall. There's a giant "WH" logo by the stairs, and I'm surprised they didn't go all the way and make it in the same style as the WB's logo. Business-suited folk stride by importantly, pausing to say, "Morning, Mister Angel." After a few rounds of that, Angel turns back to the MoG and says, "There's no way this is gonna go well." Heh. The MoG head further into the lobby, and the camera pans up so we can be admire the mallness of the new place.
After the ads, Lilah leads four people to meet the MoG. Lilah is wearing a scarlet... okay, you know what a pirate shirt is? This is like a pirate's wench shirt. It's all cleavage and buttons. And, of course, she has a matching scarf around her neck. But her hair is parted normally again. That was weirding me out. The people with her are a babe, a short guy, a lab tech, and a David Warner impersonator. Lilah starts to introduce the MoG to their "guides," but Angel doesn't like the idea of separating for individual tours. Lilah insists that they all have their own interests, so she thought it was better to "prioritize and personalize," but Angel suggests she means "divide and conquer." Lilah sighs, "Oh, you're so cynical." Then she grins, "See, this is gonna work out great!" Heh. Stephanie Romanov is really on throughout this episode. I wonder if she's feeling invigorated about being back from the dead. Angel insists that they'll take the tour together. Meanwhile, the babe in Lilah's gang is trading glances with Gunn. As Angel turns back to make sure the MoG are with him on this, Gunn asks, "Do I get her?" Yup. That's Gunn. Because if he was lured into entering the enemy's stronghold, he'd immediately get distracted by a hottie who works for the enemy. We've seen that so many times. He's always hitting on Lilah, for example. God, this is infuriating.
Lilah waves to a flunky, who wheels in a cart of weapons, and says, "If we wanted to harm you, we'd have blown up the limo, right?" Yeah, which is why getting in the limo was such a bonehead move. Lilah says they can be armed for the tour. The MoG stare. Lilah adds, "Just because we've tried to kill or corrupt each and every one of you at one time or another doesn't mean we can't be trusted." They have? Did I miss the episodes where they deliberately tried to kill or corrupt Fred? Or Gunn? Or Wesley? Or Cary?! Wow, it's like I've completely forgotten everything that actually happened on this show. How embarrassing. Wesley concedes, "We've made deals with them before. They are honorable in their way." No, really, did I sleep through a whole season? Or is this the wrong show? What the fuck is going on? I can think of one deal with Wolfram & Hart, and it wasn't so much that they were honorable as Angel didn't give them a chance to be dishonorable. Gunn repeats his mindless, "Do I get her?" and makes me want to cry with frustration. Fred is not at all distracted or perturbed by Gunn's behavior, which is completely consistent with how she acted just a few weeks ago. If you've been hit on the head repeatedly. Instead, she picks up a very, very large gun. With an arm-brace, which she shoves under her arm, which is sort of funny in that she doesn't even know how to hold the thing, but on the other hand it just stresses what an amazingly bad idea it is to think that Fred's safe because she's got a big gun that she can't even hold correctly. Jesus. I hate everyone.
Lilah introduces Cary to Preston, the short guy, who will show Cary Wolfram & Hart's "entertainment division." Preston shows Cary a little notebook and says it's a "rundown of some of the talent [they] represent." Cary insists that he knows what they represent: "Evil! Pure evil!" But he glances at the papers Preston is flipping though and adds, "Which is also apparently everyone I've ever wanted to meet!" With a giggle, Cary and Preston head off. , Wesley is introduced to the David Warner impersonator, one Rutherford Sirk. I guess Lilah is matching people up based on how silly their names are. Exit Wesley and Rutherford. Gunn's guide is the babe, Lacey Shepherd. Lilah comments, "I think you'll find you two have nothing in common." As they exit, Gunn asks if she's going to try to corrupt him. Lacey says, "Wouldn't dream of it." Gunn sniffs, "We'll have to work on that." Fred's guide is the lab tech, Knox. Also known as Holden Webster, in his unlife. He's cute, which is doing nothing for my feelings toward Fred. Off they go. And finally, Angel looks knowingly at Lilah. She says, "Come on, Charlie. Let me show you around the Chocolate Factory." Angel stares, thinking, "They make candy here, too? And...hey, wait a minute -- my name's not Charlie! Is it?"
And then there's a scene that sorta explains why Connor goes postal later. But it didn't make the episode. So I can't recap it. I'm just mentioning this so I don't get fifty emails telling me about this cut scene. Yes, I know. My point is, cutting it was a bad move. And while I'm at it, I'll also mention that I told Johanna about the cut scene over the phone, which caused some confusion, because it ends with Connor hitting a bench and causing "a fissure." Johanna heard "fisher" and was quite confused. If I'd been very clever, I'd have told her that they were officially changing the name to Angle. Because she wouldn't be able to hit me over the phone. Where was I?
Gunn and Lacey march through the building. Gunn says that giving individual tours is a good way to isolate Angel. Lacey snickers, "Is that what we're doing?" Gunn suggests that luring Angel over to their side would be a big score for Wolfram & Hart. Lacey admits that Angel is a priority, but claims that all of the MoG have useful gifts. Now I'm all confused again. Lilah made it sound like they weren't joining Wolfram & Hart, but this makes it sound like they are. Gunn admits that the rest of the MoG have their advantages, like if you ever need someone talked to death, you just call Wesley, but Gunn doesn't know what he could contribute, and can I just say that making Gunn, of all people, into the insecure Xander of this show just makes me crazy. He fought vampires! By himself! Without superpowers! God! So then Gunn thinks he's just going to be a security goon, but Lacey says he isn't. Another vitally important scene. We don't see any part of Cary's tour, have you noticed? Poor Cary. And poor us.
Fred tells Knox that he doesn't look like a lawyer. She's quick on the uptake. Maybe it's the lab coat? Oh, did I mention that Knox is cute? And his hair is all messy. I think I love him. He says, "I'm strictly R&D. Although, occasionally, some D&D." Fred acts like she doesn't know what that is, and whatever. Like Fred wasn't registered on a dozen MUSHes as Princess YnyZ'tasia. Knox goes on, "D&D? Dungeons and...? We actually have a dungeon -- I can show it to you later. Um. I manage the science division." Jeffrey Bell may have a rival for my affections. Fred thinks Knox is pretty young to be heading the department, and Knox explains that he's just the manager, and that actually she would be the department head. Oh, good; after making Fred slightly less hateful in the last few episodes by focusing on her non-geeky, survived-five-years-in-Pylea side, it looks as if they've decided to give her a gig that is based entirely on her obnoxious and nonsensical geekitude.
The room Fred and Knox enter is full of demon skulls and laser beams and floor-to-ceiling windows. Fred wanders over to a counter and picks up a PDA, which Knox says is one of his inventions. Fred's underwhelmed until Knox uses his PDA to access information in Fred's cell phone, and explains that his can hack into "any electrical device within 100 yards." Oh, good. I look forward to watching a show in which Fred can do magic. Which we'll pretend is "technology." Fred gasps that Knox is the company's MacGyver. Knox admits, "I can make practically anything out of a...fully equipped...multi-million dollar... lab." Heh.
Rutherford leads Wesley into a small, comfortably appointed room. A row of books stand on a table. Rutherford waves at the book and declares them "our ancient prophecies wing." Wesley sniffs, "Looks like your wing's been clipped." Is everyone going to be quip-happy now? It's bad enough when it's just Angel. Rutherford invites Wesley to ask for something rare. Wesley requests the "Devandiré Sibylline Codex." Sibylline? Shout-out? No, but let's pretend. Rutherford picks up one of the volumes and repeats Wesley's request before handing it over. Wesley opens the book, and we see blank pages for a moment before writing fills the page. Rutherford explains, "The template you're holding provides access to anything stored in the firm's locked archives relating to prophesies, omens, Revelations." Does it automatically bungle the translations, too? Because if it does, they've just made Wesley redundant. Wesley asks if the Watcher's Council knows that Rutherford stole the codex. Rutherford hisses that there is no Watcher's Council now; Wesley agrees, and then asks, "So you opted to, what, play for the other side? Cross the line?" Sorry, do you only get to do that if your boss tries to suffocate you? Rutherford and Wesley continue their ambiguous British fuckwittery duel, and then Wesley starts to say that there's something about Watchers and libraries, then suddenly punches Rutherford. My brother observes that there's something about Watchers and getting knocked unconscious. Wesley pops a little grappling hook to pop out of one of his idiotic wrist-mounted magical gadgets. Hate hate hate hate hate. He fires the grappling hook into the ceiling and flies away on the wire of righteousness (tm elishavah). Johanna asks, "Why is he going into the ceiling?" Because he's a super-spy now. Duh.
We're inside a large office, and see Lilah and Angel's silhouettes through frosted glass as they approach. Lilah asks, "Did I mention we have a juice bar?" They enter the room; Angel asks if he's supposed to be amazed by a nice office. My brother points out that if it were a really nice office, it would have better soundproofing. Lilah points out a private elevator to the garage, where Angel's twelve new cars await. Oh, good. Because... Hey, when I say "Oh, good," y'all get that I mean, "Jesus fucking Christ, this is so goddamned stupid that I want to kill someone!" right? I wouldn't want my sarcasm to be veiled or anything. God. I hate this. I'd have rather watched an hour of the actors and writers saying, "Hi, we've decided to piss away everything that made the last two seasons good, and turn this into, well, we don't know, really, but it looks like some kind of crazy-ass comic-book superhero show! Birds of Prey was a big hit, right?" If this had happened at the end of the first or second season, it wouldn't have surprised me, but now? I just keep thinking that they could do something genuinely good here, and they're choosing not to. If this is what it takes to get the show renewed, I could go with the whole "menacing corporation makes them an offer they can't refuse, forcing them to radically change their ways" as an intentional dig at the way they have to make the show appeal to the network. But they aren't playing it that way; it's all "Here are goodies. Enjoy!" Maybe they'll play it up later, like, Lilah will drag Spike in and explain, "You'll need his help to overcome the alphamegamian demogra -- I mean, 'demons.'" Ah, now I lost my place with all the ranting.
Oh, right: cars. Angel doesn't care. Although now I'm starting to wonder if their abandoment of the Angelmobile was permanent. Bastards. Angel starts to head for the door, but Lilah says she forgot to show him the best part. She hits a remote, and the curtains roll open. Angel turns and gasps, covering his face with his hands as the sunlight hits him. Great survival skills, Angel. Shouldn't he have reacted by diving out of the room as quickly as possible? Well, he doesn't, but it's okay, because nothing happens. Lilah explains that the building is fitted with "necro-tempered" glass: "Helps keep those wholesome, uplifting rays from charbroilin' the boss. And thirty percent more energy efficient!" I wonder if that's a shout-out, for reasons way too complicated to go into. "Necro-tempered" is funny. If nonsensical. Angel soaks in the sunlight. Lilah says it would feel even better if he was naked, and hell must be really, really awful indeed if she prefers this. Angel tells her to close the curtains. She does so, and Angel goes back to heading for the door. Lilah calls after him, urging him to think about what he could do with Wolfram & Hart's resources. She lectures him about the wold being harsh and cruel, and can't they set a limit on repetitive phrases? If they want to use "harsh and cruel" all the time, they should have to drop "champion" or something. Anyway, Lilah lectures, "You live as if the world were as it should be. With all of this, you can make it that way. People don't need an unyielding champion. They need a man who knows the value of compromise, and how to beat the system from inside the belly of the beast." Angel snarks that getting into the belly of the beast requires being eaten. Lilah brushes that off and says that in the last ninety seconds, six innocent people died. She sniffs, "Don't worry. There's always six thousand more just around the corner. Or up the coast."
With that, Lilah tosses a folder to Angel. He glances at it and says, "Sunnydale," before looking inside and pulling out an Amulet of Assitude. Lilah says that the amulet is important for a "final battle" of some kind. Angel says, "Buffy can handle herself." Lilah replies, "But isn't it more fun when you handle her?" No, "fun" isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think of Buffy and Angel. Angel tosses the folder away, and Lilah asks if there's any information Angel would be interested in -- like missing persons. He glares at her, and Lilah says, "Knew there had to be a reason you took the tour. Dead, not stupid." She says she doesn't know where Cordy and Connor are, but that Angel could find out pretty easily. She hands him a gorgeous office phone, like the ultra-slim model she used to have. I covet that phone. Angel holds the phone for a second, then says, "I'm sorry [about] what happened to you, Lilah. I really am. Me [sic] and my friends will be leaving now." What? Why is he sorry? He threatened to kill her how many times? Whatever. Angel heads for the door, but stops when the phone rings. Lilah answers it, and tells Angel that the Senior Partners want Angel to see all of the amenities before he decides. With that, a panel in the wall is raised, revealing a television screen. A news anchor is saying something about a bomb scare. Angel stares at the TV and gasps, "Cool! Is that high-def?" Hee. The anchor mentions hostages, and the video cuts to security-camera footage of a store. Some shoppers run past the camera, followed by Connor. The shot freezes on him. Lilah says, "Really does have your eyes, doesn't he?"
When we return, Angel grabs Lilah's neck, and shoves her against a wall. Lilah gasps, "Watch the head. It comes off kinda easy [sic]." Angel figures Wolfram & Hart set this up, and orders Lilah to stop it. Boreanaz does a very good job through this episode, too. He looks scared even as he's threatening Lilah, which is nice. Lilah insists that they had nothing to do with it. "But you know who did!" Angel growls. Lilah admits that she does: "I'm looking at him. You're the one who raised him. Or didn't." Ouch. Angel lets go of Lilah and backs away, stunned. Lilah adds, "I can't imagine how the kid turned out postal." Hee. Angel, infuriated, jumps back into Lilah's face and says she doesn't know Connor at all. Lilah is staring tensely into space, not looking at Angel even though he's inches from her, and it looks odd but I really like it. Lilah's not usually terrified by anything, and she's already dead, so what he can he do? But I think her inability to meet his eyes says a lot. Angel heads for the door again, and Lilah tells him that if he walks out, the deal is off. Angel turns back to her and snaps, "People like you, this place -- that's what's wrong with the world, Lilah! I will never be a part of this!" Then he looks at Connor on the screen and adds, "Not the way you're hoping." He advances toward her again, and says he's going to tell her what their deal is. Lilah swallows nervously. Angel looks a little stubbly -- I wonder if this was shot at the last minute, because there's just a hint of facial hair there. Anyway, good scene, and good job by Romanov and Boreanaz.
Meanwhile, back on the crappy version of this show, Gunn and Lacey are in an elevator. "Girl From Ipanema" isn't playing, unfortunately. There's a lot of awkward silence in this episode. And again, I have to think there were better things all of that time could have been used for. Like, y'know, the plot. Or the characterization. Ho hum. Eventually Lacey says it's time, and that magic button appears at the top of the elevator's control panel. Gunn isn't pleased, but Lacey insists that this is the way for Gunn to get the answers he seeks. Gunn punches another button on the panel and insists, "Only thing I seek is the lobby!" He complains "Here I am, thinkin' I'm gettin' seduced. Well, I'm gettin' screwed all--"
Voom. Fade to white. "-- right," Gunn concludes, in the White Room. He looks around and insists that he doesn't belong here: "This room is for the big cats." With that, there's a growl. And then a black panther materializes. Okay, sure. The panther strolls toward him. Kitty! Aw. It looks up at Gunn. Fancy-shmancy shot of Gunn reflected in the cat's eyes. Gunn looks less nervous about the situation. The panther roars. Yet another scene that was longer than it needed to be. Especially when... How shall I put this? I think "What the fuck?" sums it up nicely. Johanna suggested that it would have been just as mysterious, and less irritating, if we didn't see the White Room sequence at all. Gunn goes there, and that's all we know. Johanna also asks, "Is Gunn like Manimal now?" That's how I'm taking it, honestly. Which is great, because Gunn? Has also consistently been really keen on developing demonic powers. How many times have we heard him say, "People suck! If only I could be like demons, who are cool!"
Cop-vert. This is where I started shouting, "Why is Connor at a mall? Why is he doing this? I don't buy it!" Yeah, cut scene, whatever. Like I said, there are plenty of less important things that could have been cut. As it is, I'm left with, "Connor ran into one suicidal guy on a rooftop and flipped out." We pan around a sporting-goods store. Terrified people are sitting on the floor, with canisters of propane duct-taped to them. We pan over to man holding a crying little girl. The man whispers to her, "Shut up, you've got to shut up!" Connor screams, "Hey! She doesn't even look like Wesley!" He grabs the guy and adds, "I told you to be nice." The man apologizes, and Connor complains that the man isn't holding the girl the right way. The man moans, "I think you broke my arm." Connor tells him to hold the girl correctly. The man wincingly does so. Whoa, when did this become A Perfect World? Is this some kind of esoteric Keith Szarabajka shout-out? Connor moves away and starts fiddling with a pile of car batteries. So the car batteries will explode the propane tanks via...I dunno. Of all the things that don't make sense in this episode, this is...well, one of them. Connor suddenly says, "You got in." The camera moves up so that we can see Angel standing on a balcony in the back of the store. Angel hops down to the ground floor. My brother asked how Angel got to the mall, but I figure those tunnels go everywhere. Although then we wondered if Wolfram & Hart really was in a mall now, and the sporting-goods store was actually in the same building. That would be a wacky coincidence!
Wesley knocks out a guard and walks through the Files & Records room. I'm not sure why he had to go through the ceiling to get here, but it's way too late to start making sense now. Wesley starts checking the cabinets and finds what he's looking for. As he looks inside, Lilah appears at the end of the aisle and says she was wondering how long it would take him to get there. She says he was slower than she expected, "but then, [he] always did like to take [his] time." Will the deep hurting ever end with these two? She enthuses about all the information in this room, and how she knew he wouldn't be able to resist. Wesley suggests that she doesn't know him that well after all, and turns back to the cabinet. Lilah asks what he's doing as he opens Lilah's file and pulls out a contract. He explains that he's going to release her from her contract. Wesley holds up the contract, pulls out a lighter, and, as Lilah reaches out to take the contract, he sets it aflame, saying, "I wanted you to find some peace." He drops the contract to the ground as it burns away. Lilah looks at him steadily and tells him to look in the drawer. Wesley does so, and finds that Lilah's contract is there again. Lilah explains, "Flames wouldn't be eternal if they actually consumed anything." Now, when I say "explains," I'm using the word loosely. Or completely incorrectly. It sounds deep and all, but is Wesley's lighter an eternal flame? What? Lilah consoles Wesley, "It means something that you tried." Yeah, it means he's an idiot. I don't know why he's worried about her being in hell, considering what she's already been though. At least when she plays chess with Death, they'll actually be playing chess.
Back at the mall -- and there's a phrase that doesn't belong in recaps of Angel -- Connor is duct-taping his "explosives" to himself. Angel slowly moves toward his son. Suddenly, there's an explosion. Connor monotones, "The people are rigged, too. You can't save 'em all, dad." He says Angel doesn't know who'll be first, and turns around with the propane attached to his shirt. "Could be me," Connor says. Then he steps aside and adds, "Could be her." We pan down to see Cordy lying on the floor with her own propane-pack. Props to the posters who rightly wondered whether Connor dragged Cordy into the mall in a duffel-bag and then went nuts, or if he went nuts and then went back to get Cordy before taking hostages. Doesn't make much sense either way, does it? Props to whoever invented schnapps, because now these details don't bother me. As much.
Commercials. I call Johanna and moan, "I don't like this, I don't like this. And I wanted to, even when I heard disturbing spoilers, I wanted this to be good, and it's just not." She tells me, "Lilah's pretty. Just focus on that part." She also says that this reminds her of "Touched": "With both of them, it seems like the script was written by someone who'd heard the show described to them, but had never actually seen it." Later, Johanna also asked if maybe they wrote or rewrote this episode at the last minute, when renewal seemed uncertain, which would probably explain a few things.
Here's the other scene that makes sense in terms of plot and characterization. I mean, if you ignore how we got here in the earlier scenes. Angel tells Connor that he's upset because of Jasmine: "We all felt it, that perfect love, and when we had to give it up --" Bzzz, wrong thing to say. Connor smashes a display and shouts, "I didn't feel anything! I can't feel anything." Kinda wish they spent more time on that. I just think it's so tremendously telling that the only times Connor seemed to belong, he had to hide how he actually felt. Connor slowly adds that he really is Angel's son, "'cause [Connor's] dead, too." Angel disagrees, and says Connor's life is just beginning. Connor says "No! You just weren't there before!" Angel starts to say he's sorry, but Connor screams at him that "sorry" doesn't fix anything. Angel says he loves Connor, but Connor dismisses that: "It's always a lie. My dead mother couldn't even love me." Angel tries to explain that Darla killed herself out of love for Connor. Connor finally admits, "You tried to love me. At least I think you did." See, he's not even sure about that. That's great. I love how unloved Connor is, which is some kind of crazy paradoxical thing that may say a lot about my psychology, and shut up. Angel says he does, but Connor continues, "Not enough to hang on. You let him take me away, Dad. You let him get me." Angel is near tears, and I've forgotten how good he is at the fighting-back-tears thing. Granted, it helps that it's rooted in an emotion I believe for a change. Connor turns to Cordy and tells her, "You swore you loved me. Where are you now?" Angel quietly tells Connor that there are people who love him. I don't think this is a good time to be vague, Angel. It just highlights how unconvincing that claim is. Seriously, Angel and Cordy are the only people still alive who ever claimed to love Connor. Well, and me, but I don't think I'm much help in this situation. Connor complains that Angel claimed to love Jasmine, but that he was lying. Angel insists that Jasmine was a lie herself. Connor returns to shouting as he says, "She knew that if you found out who she really was, that you'd turn on her! And she was right -- that's just what happened!" Good summation. Of Jasmine, and of Connor. Aw. Connor says that nobody in the room deserved what Jasmine offered. Angel says, "I want to give you everything. I want to take back the mistakes. Help you start over." Angel, I think "my mistakes" would have been a better choice there. This is really not the time to duck blame. Connor says it's too late, and adds, "There's only one thing that ever changes anything. And that's death." Both Angel and Connor are crying as Connor adds, "Everything else is just a lie. I can't be saved by a lie. I can't be saved at all." Oh, he's discovered nihilism! Pity he didn't take over a bookstore instead, Angel could maybe convert him to existentialism, which is cheerier. Connor reaches for his bomb controls, and Angel leaps forward and punches Connor; Angel then yanks the controls or the fuse or whatever it is away.
And with that, they start fighting. Punching, barbell-fu, display-smashing. Angel conks Connor with a bowling ball, and then throws him across the room and hurries to free the hostages. The people de-tape themselves and run out of the store. As Angel turns to unfasten Cordy, Connor grabs him, and there's a bit of slow-mo flippiness. This time, Angel is tossed out of the way, and Connor marches toward Cordy. Angel smashes the top of a glass case and pulls out a knife, which he throws into Connor's leg. Owie. Connor falls to the ground. And the kid who was unfazed by a bowling ball to the head is suddenly incapacitated because there's a knife in his thigh. Connor struggles to crawl toward Cordy, but Angel pulls the knife out and yanks him back. Connor is thrown onto his back, and Angel crouches over him, holding the knife. They stare at each other for a moment, and Angel says, "I really do love you, Connor." Connor asks, "So what are you gonna do about it?" Angel looks sad and says, "Prove it," and then slashes the knife down across Connor's neck. Fade to white.
Then the show ends, because Angel has had to kill his son just as Connor had to kill his daughter, and for pretty much the same reasons, giving the whole thing a nice tragic symmetry. Holtz's revenge is complete, but not in the way he expected, because not only did Angel lose his son, but he also had to kill his child in a way that echoes Holtz killing his vamped daughter. Although the Loa's prophecy remains sadly unresolved, which pisses me off. But all in all, not a bad ending. Oh, and then the MoG tell Wolfram & Hart to fuck off, because that was just a really poorly thought-out bit of comedy relief, and the gang heads back to the hotel. If there's no season, we can feel like this is a mostly solid resolution to the story that's been told. If there is a season, the MoG can mostly get a fresh start, while there are still enough elements (like Cordelia) left hanging to keep people interested. Still an uneven episode, but Connor's ending was mostly satisfying, and I'll overlook the rest because of that.
Oh, shit, there's five more minutes of show. Okay, listen, I think you're better off not knowing about them. Really. Go away, go get ready for the Dawson's Creek finale or something. Trust me. Are you still here? Fine, it's your choice, but don't say I didn't warn you.
At Wolfram & Hart's mall of malevolence, Cary is singing "Something's Coming" in the ginormous lobby. I'm singing "Inside Your Head," particularly the part that goes "Does it always have to turn to shit? Someone out there's seriously taking the piss." Fred appears and drops off her gun; Cary gives her a hug. Cary says, "When this cruise ship sails, I'll be on the Lido deck." He enthuses about learning "secrets of the universe." "Like, Siegfried: evil. Roy: not so much. Oh, and balance? Very, very important." He dances with Fred a little, and then spins her so that she crashes into Wesley. Heh. Thanks, Cary; you're like a spoonful of sugar. Fred notes Wesley's grumpy expression and asks if he's okay, like this is different from his usual grumpy expression. Wesley says it's a lot to take in. The elevator doors open nearby, and Gunn raises his eyes and then his head in that action-hero-way before striding out to them. Fred stares at him with some confusion and asks, "Did they make you taller?" Gunn ignores her, yay, and tells Wesley, "I'm doing this. Hope it's not just me, but if it is, that's all right too." Wesley hesitantly admits, "There probably is a great deal we could accomplish with the resources available here." Fred is shocked that Wesley's suggesting they take the deal.
"I already took it," Angel announces from nearby. Fred and Wesley look surprised, and Angel non-explains, "Executive decision." There was some outcry in the forums that Angel roped them all into this, but based on what Gunn said, I think that each of them gets to decide whether or not to join. And plus, y'know, this whole thing is so stupid that I don't care much. Lilah arrives carrying the Sunnydale folder, and says, "I'm impressed by the lot of you. Team Angel, all growed [sic] up." Or all regressed to Season One, but don't mind me. Angel folds his arms up uncomfortably and quietly asks Lilah if "it" is taken care of. She nods and says that Cordelia is "probably getting a manicure and a blow dry as we speak." Fred asks about Cordy, and Lilah clarifies that she's still comatose, adding, "Doesn't mean she can't look her best." She explains that Cordy will receive the best care available until they find a way to revive her. Angel grunts his unenthusiastic appreciation and says, "Just one more piece of business. I gotta see him." Lilah says that wasn't part of their deal. Angel says, "Value of compromise. Remember, Lilah?" Lilah ponders that enigmatic phrase, and finally nods and hands over the folder and Amulet of Assitude. She says there's a limo outside that will take Angel to see Connor. By "outside," I hope she means, "in the garage," because it's daytime. Just mentioning it. Angel looks at Lilah directly and thanks her, and then brushes through the MoG. As he and Lilah exit, the MoG turn to watch Angel. Fred asks, "Who's Connor?" Hey, don't blame me; I told you to stop reading in the last paragraph.
A limo drives along a curvy mountain road. I wait for Harrison Ford to start muttering, "I don't know how long we have together. Who does?" Something about scenic travel montages. The limo spends a while on the wrong side of the road, and suddenly plows directly into a logging truck headed in the opposite direction. Angel is dusted by a stray branch, and the Amulet of Assitude falls into the ocean. The end. I'm trying to make things better here, people. The limo finally stops, and by now it's nighttime. Angel gets out and looks at a little house half-hidden by trees. He walks up to the house and peers in a window.
Inside, there's a kid who looks like Connor having dinner with his family. Mom, dad, little sister, and apparently an aunt. All things considered, I think I'm going back to my original name for the baby: Don. Don still has Connor's bad hair, leading Johanna to suggest that he's "a rebel." But then why is he dressed like someone from That '70s Show? The family is chatting happily about how Don can go to any college and get scholarships and is in the top tenth of his class and has a girlfriend. The fact that Don is Connor's age, and not a baby again, makes me think that people's memories were changed; reality wasn't. Well, plus the fact that if reality was changed completely, Wolfram & Hart wouldn't have any reason to offer the MoG a reward. We swirl around the table as the father starts to declare a toast. Don interrupts and stands up. He says, "Since it's my special day, and I'm all brilliant and everything, and I'm forced to spend at least a few more months with you freaks, I get to make the toast, okay?" He raises his glass and declares, "To family." Outside, Angel blinks and maybe almost smiles a tiny bit. The family goes on burbling idyllically, and Don says, "I wasn't actually talking about this family -- I made that clear, right?" Angel turns and heads back to the limo. Presumably, on the way to Sunnydale, Angel will pour bottled water over himself and flail around in the back seat. Fade out. And everything they've been has been undone.