The Magic Bullet

Previously on Angel, Cordy was the mole, Jasmine charmed everyone, the MoG were in seventh heaven, and Angel decided to put Fred six feet under. And, as usual, there was much rejoicing.

"Wouldn't It Be Nice" plays as we see various images of scenic daytime Los Angeles. The Beach Boys. Ick. People drive by in a convertible. Kids race to an ice-cream truck. Everyone's pretty and happy, and almost everyone is blond. Also, there's a lot of pink clothing. A driver politely waves at some pedestrians to cross the street in front of his car. It may say something about this show that I initially expected him to wait until the pedestrians were directly in front of him and then run them down. When there's a sudden clunk, I think I'm right for a second, but then the driver looks up to see Fred pressed against his car window for a second before she runs away, pursued by Wesley and Gunn.

Gunn and Wesley stop on a corner so that the camera can whirl around them excitingly. Wesley spots Fred's distinctively ugly red jacket in a crowd, and as they run toward her, I start thinking about how stupid Fred is for wearing something that will stand out like that when she's being chased. Wesley bumps into a pedestrian as he runs after Fred, and sort of spins while running to apologize. Wesley and Gunn reach Fred, grab her arm, and -- whoops, it's not Fred at all, just a girl with similar hair. Oh. So Fred wasn't being stupid, and the ugly jacket is actually a plot point. I have a bad feeling that I can't just make "And here's another stupid thing" jokes this week. Rats. Wesley asks the girl about her jacket, and the girl explains, "A woman just gave it to me. She said Jasmine wanted me to have it -- isn't that sweet? Isn't Jasmine the best?" Gunn and Wesley stop looking exasperated to chorus their approval: "Best of the best!/ She's so wonderful!" Gunn suggests splitting up, and he and Wesley run off in opposite directions. A solitary tear drips down Wesley's cheek at being dumped again.

The camera pans down, through the ground and into the sewers. Where Fred is staring up, like she can hear her pursuers talking through six feet of dirt. And how'd she get down there so quickly? The sewer tunnels really do go everywhere. I'm surprised they don't find commuters down there on scooters. After a minute, Fred hurries down the tunnel.

Credits. This week's Boreanaz quote: "I ran around Central Park last year for my birthday, painted my face like a clown and you just freak people out."

The Hyperion is packed with visitors, and more people are entering in a steady stream. An actual check-in line leads up to the front desk, which Cary is demon-ing. They're using the hotel as a hotel! Please, please, put Angel and Connor in bellhop outfits. A man, who I'm going to call Davy Jones, steps up to the counter and guesses that he's too late to get a room. I hope all the other people in line have reservations; it's mean to make them wait just to say, "Sorry, no room at the inn." Unless maybe they're waiting for the wise men to turn up. Cary says that everything's booked, and adds, "I've got pilgrims pitching pup-tents in the parking lot." Alliteration? I may swoon. Davy Jones tosses his keys on the desk and offers up his house in payment if he can stay. Cary laughs kindly, and explains that they don't want his possessions. Davy Jones talks about Jasmine's wonderfulness, and Cary agrees: "I thought Our Lady of the Perpetual Sea Breeze was the real deal till the divine Miss J walked right through that door and into my ass. [Beat.] Which is where my heart is." Heh. Jasmine, escorted by Angel and Connor, descend the stairs, and everyone turns and murmurs. Cary encourages Davy Jones to go talk to Jasmine.

Angel is wearing a muted green shirt, but at least he's got the black jacket over it. Jasmine greets the crowd, then speaks Mandarin with a pregnant woman, saying that her child "will lead a healthy and loving life." As they move on, Angel asks how Jasmine always knows what someone needs to hear. Jasmine explains that she looks into their hearts, adding, "Sometimes it's right on their face." She pauses by a man and tells him in Spanish: "Your moustache provides you great strength and dignity." He thanks her. This is when I had to go check and make sure that this wasn't Ben Edlund's episode. Wesley and Gunn enter the room, and Gunn catches Angel's eye and shakes his head. Everybody heads for the office for a conference.

Gunn and Wesley explain that Fred escaped. Connor growls, "I'll find her. Bring back her scalp." Wesley says that Jasmine wants Fred brought back alive, and Angel agrees: "Fred gets to live until we understand why she rejected Jasmine's love." I like the "until" there. Connor wonders why anyone would reject love, and Gunn snipes, "Maybe 'cause she has a history of doing that." Angel repeats that they have to find Fred "so Jasmine can straighten her out."

Jasmine watches Angel and Connor exit the office, and then looks over her adoring fans. She asks a brunette to join her upstairs. After looking around at the crowd, Jasmine also invites Davy Jones along. The three of them go upstairs. From the office doorway, Gunn and Wesley watch. Gunn asks, "Think she'll ever pick us?" "If we're lucky," Wesley gasps. "But not before we find Fred."

A sign on a door reads, "Magic Bullet Books -- Everything THEY don't want you to know." Complete with triangle. Perfect. And a new twist in working the title into the episode! Fred enters and approaches the store owner, who remembers that she came in looking for information about mass hypnosis. The store owner is yet another unnamed character. Sigh. Okay, I'm calling him Bert because of the eyebrows. And the staring. Fred says that the hypnosis theories she read about seem flawed; she's interested a kind of mind control that would affect everyone. Bert says he may have a book for her, and walks off while Fred looks over some titles. "Satan's Dictionary? You must get some colorful customers in here." Bert says he hasn't had any customers for the past few days: "Not a huge demand for photo books of serial-killer autopsies when you're living in a utopian wonderland." He doesn't know my ex-roommate. Wow, that James Clavell title really does stand out on the bookshelves, even on my little TV set. And it's in the "Hollywood" section? Must be hard to be a set dresser sometimes. Fred guesses Bert's having a rough time with the drop in business, but he insists that it's great. He deadpans, "Look at me. I've never been happier." You kind of have to see his complete lack of expression to enjoy that joke, but I'm repeating it because it made me laugh.

Bert says he was listening to the radio the other night, adding, "There's nothing really good on since Art Bell retired." But, as you might have guessed, then he heard Jasmine, and now he's a new man. He says he was obsessed with mind control before. Fred guesses that Bert doesn't believe in that stuff anymore. Bert corrects her: "I believe. I just don't worry about it anymore." Fred asks, "You don't worry that it's possible for someone to send out a biological or electronic trigger that effectively overrides your own sense of ideals and values, and replaces them with an alternative, coercive agenda that reduces you to little more than a mindless meat puppet?" My favorite thing about that line is how Amy Acker has to pause for breath in the middle. Bert stares at her and gasps, "Wow. And people used to think that I was paranoid." He adds that he still has the brain implants, and whispers, "The CIA is still listening in; it just doesn't bother me anymore." Bert says he's beaming Jasmine's love back out at them. He suddenly gasps that he knows what Fred's doing, and reaches into a drawer. Fred watches as he puts a revolver on the desk. Followed by a yo-yo. And then he pulls out a green paperback called Making Mind Control Work For You. One of these items is actually important to the plot. The thing I appreciate is that it's not made to seem important in this scene. It seems like a throwaway joke. Anyway, Bert figures that Fred wants to use mind control to "make sure the government and other savages learn about Jasmine's love." Fred quickly agrees, and reaches out for the book. The guy pulls the book away, and lectures, "We don't need to use the evil tools of [finger-quotes] 'The Man.' We have [finger quotes] 'The Wo-man.'" He says that Jasmine's love will reach everyone in time. Fred sighs, "Oh, happy day."

Connor and Angel are tracing Fred through the sewer. Angel asks how old Connor was when he developed his tracking powers. Connor says he was five or six, noting, "We didn't exactly celebrate birthdays in Quor-toth." He says that Holtz played games with him to practice at it. Then he describes one: "He'd tie me to a tree and then run away." Ha ha ha! He adds, "So I'd have to escape, and then find him. One time it only took me five days." Angel is horrified, but Connor seems blas about it. Maybe Angel's horrified because he's only just realized he can't ever use the "Back when I was kid, I had to..." guilt trip on Connor. Then the two of them close their eyes and look blissful for second, and chorus: "Jasmine wants us back at the hotel." They turn and walk back down the tunnel.

Jasmine is watching her "Good Morning L.A. appearance on a laptop in her room. She listens to her spiel about the history of the world, and shuts it off, saying, "I sound like the prologue to one of those movies about magical dwarves." Gunn corrects her, "Hobbits," then asks if she's seen movies. Jasmine says she loves them, and Cary says, "You should know. This is The Greatest Story Ever Told." Wesley says that "the design team" will have her site ready in a few days. Gunn wonders why Jasmine doesn't just walk into a TV studio and announce her presence to the world, but Jasmine says it isn't time yet. Angel and Connor enter, and ask how Jasmine could summon them psychically. Jasmine says that they're all connected. Well, that clears it all up. She says they're going to find Fred, and asks everyone to join hands. They do so, and Angel grins for a second as he takes Jasmine's hand. Hee. She explains, "I can't do this alone; not yet." and tells them all to close their eyes and picture Fred. "Picture what she looks like," she unnecessarily explains, like there's another way to picture a person, although with Angel in the room I suppose it's best to be explicit. Jasmine says, "Where are you, Fred? I'm looking for you."

Fred walks up to the motel from Memento and stops to get her key. Oh. I was going to say, "Why wouldn't she have her key with her?" but if she went out thinking that she might have to change clothes to lose her pursuers, I suppose that actually makes sense. And it makes her seem smart in a way that doesn't require her to talk, which is always a bonus. She walks past a woman who's having a cigarette to the building. As Fred passes, the woman suddenly turns her head and glares.

"I see her!" Jasmine announces.

Fred walks upstairs to her room. As she passes one room, the curtains are jerked open and a man stares out at her. Yikes. A man steps out of a room in front of Fred with a woman who...well, I don't want to leap to any conclusions because some people might have a very good reason for wearing thigh-high boots with a "Frederick's of Hollywood" outfit, and that's fine, but from my experience watching television, I'm going to guess she's a prostitute. The couple suddenly turns to stare at Fred. Fred stops, then turns and walks away quickly. The man watching from the window steps outside as she passes. Fred hurries downstairs. The cigarette-smoking lady grabs Fred's arm, but Fred jerks away and starts running. A man in a car starts to drive after her.

Jasmine says, "There's nowhere to run, dear. My love is all around you."

Fred runs down the block, with the car following her. An SUV suddenly pulls into a driveway in front of her. Fred turns and races across the street, toward a guy who's working on a parked car. The driver following her swerves after Fred, and crashes into the parked car. Kerblooie! I would complain about the explosion, but we do see a can of gasoline to the parked car, and it's probably not impossible that there was a spark of some kind from the collision. There's nothing wrong with gratuitous car explosions, of course, but it's nice if they try to make them reasonable. Fred is thrown to the ground, and then looks up as the driver gets out and is immediately wrapped in flames. He calmly walks toward her, on fire, and says, "Fred? Don't be afraid." There is fire licking his face. I mean, you kind of see his face is glistening from the gel or whatever that's protecting him, but still. That's messed up. And cool.

During the commercials, Johanna and I talk about how weird and funny and creepy this has been so far, and then discuss the guy who just needed to know that his moustache made him look good. He must have a pretty nice life, if that's his biggest concern.

Jasmine's eyelids flicker. Connor suddenly jerks away from her as their joined hands start to smoke. Jasmine swoons, and the MoG help her to a chair. Wesley looks at Jasmine's blistered, burned hand. Cary wants to call a doctor, but Jasmine insists that she just needs rest. She says that the circle worked, and that she found Fred, although "there are some painful kinks to work out." Jasmine adds, "Everyone who loves me now knows what she looks like. Knows to call us. There's no place Fred can hide." Wesley asks what they should do, and Jasmine answers that they already know. Angel observes that they've got a hotel full of people with needs. Um, what kind of needs is he talking about? I'm scared. Cary says, "You know what they say about people who need people." Connor answers, "They're the luckiest people in the world." The rest of the MoG turn to stare at Connor, and Cary asks if he's been listening to Cary's Streisand albums. Connor insists, "It just kinda popped out." Heh. Jasmine says that this is part of their connection. Angel asks if they're psychic now, and Jasmine says no. Gunn interrupts to say that the hot water on the third floor just went out. Wesley says, "And there's a plumber in the lobby who can help us." He and Gunn stare at each other wonderingly. "That's what I'm sayin'," Jasmine non-explains. Which is what, precisely? She says she needs to heal her hand, and mentions that there are two sisters in the lobby. "Blondes," Angel adds, because that's the sort of thing he'd pick up on. "The Bailey twins," Cary agrees, because beverage names are the sort of thing he'd pick up on. Gunn says he'll ask them to come visit Jasmine. Jasmine smiles and says, "No one will ever have to feel lonely again."

Fred walks along a hilltop road that looks like the one in Donnie Darko. Wow, how'd she get up there? Where is she even going? An SUV passes her, and then suddenly brakes. Fred watches as the car starts reversing toward her. She backs up off the road and promptly trips and tumbles down the hill. She survived how many years in Pylea? Tumble, tumble, tumble, thud, as Fred suddenly crashes through the ceiling of an underground cave and falls on top of a little demon. Or a little person in a demon suit. Fred screams, rolls over so the demon is on top, and sees an axe to a small fire. She grabs the axe and rolls over, pinning the demon. He shouts, "I'm vegetarian!" Fred skeptically points out that he's got awfully pointy teeth. He admits, "Okay, I eat fish, and occasionally vermin." Fred backs off as the demon says she "scared the cream cheese out of [him]." Odd. Fred peers inside her shirt, presumably looking for bruises or scrapes. The demon whines, "Get a room," until she waves the axe at him and tells him to sit down. She sits as well, and the demon asks how long they're going to sit there. He adds, "I've got a bladder the size of a jujube." Fred says she's trying to figure stuff out, and the demon mimes turning a key on his mouth. Wesley voice-overs, "Consider her armed, dangerous, and possibly insane." Done and done!

Cut to the Hyperion, where Wesley is giving Jasmine's worshippers an APB. He adds, "Don't let her grace or gentle beauty fool you." Gunn listens politely. They've got a little podium with a speaker set up, and Wesley taps a pointer against a poster-sized photo of Fred as she says, "Winifred Burkle is a monster. A siren, hoping to lure you away from Jasmine, and onto the rocks of heresy and destruction." Johanna observes that everything's funnier with props. Although, once again, I think a PowerPoint presentation would be more effective. Wesley introduces Cary, who has some announcements "and, as I understand, a very special surprise." Cary reads from a blue index card as he explains that Jasmine's resting, and that she may not make an appearance tonight. He goes on to mention that the hot water is working again on the third floor before getting to the surprise: "We're gonna try kicking it a little different [sic] at Fellowship Hall because tonight...tonight is Open Mike Night." The crowd goes vaguely wild. Cary invites anyone who wants to "share their personal joy" to step up. Cue the montage!

A little kid starts to read from a paper: "'Why I Love Jasmine,' by Linford Detweiler. I love Jasmine because she makes food taste good." There's a kid who hasn't has any spinach lately. A girl in a tragic pink top stands before the mike and sobs. A guy headbangs while leading the crowd in chanting "Jasmine rocks!" A girl signs, which is always cool. The captioning reads, "I wish I could be in Fred's skull so I could explode her brain and kill her for rejecting Jasmine." Hee. Although it would be better if there was an interpreter up there with her. I mean, most of the crowd won't know what she's saying, will they? Cary sings, "Freddie's Dead" while a guy strums an electric guitar. An old lady announces that she's renamed all thirty-seven of her cats after Jasmine. The pink girl is still sobbing. Connor and Angel sing. Yeah, that's right. To the tune of "Mandy," of course: "Oh Jasmine, you came and you gave without taking, and we'll keep you forever, oh Jasmine!" The crowd is swaying. I can't breathe. Gunn tells Wesley that every night should be Open Mike Night.

Fred and the little demon are still sitting underground. Dammit. Fine, I'm calling him Maxwell. The fire is almost out, and Maxwell asks if he can "quest for fire," but Fred raises the axe in response. He grumps, "I'll just freeze to death. Like I care anymore -- on the run like an animal." Fred is surprised to hear that the cave isn't his home. Maxwell, irritated asks, "Do you live in a dirt hole? Do you want to live in a dirt hole? Then why the hell do you think that I live in a dirt hole?" Heh. Fred points out that he's a demon. Maxwell corrects her: "Executive demon." He says that he lost everything because of "those stupid Jasmaniacs and their demon jihad!" Ooo, "Jasmaniacs." Yeah, I'm stealing that. So, do the demons see Jasmine as horrible or pretty? Just curious if she chooses whom to affect, or what. I suspect it's better that they don't try to explain it, though. Actually, Jasmine's kind of symbolic of the season: pretty and sort of endearing, but if you look too closely, you might not like what you see. Where was I? Fred explains that she's on the run because of Jasmine herself. Maxwell plays up his amazement at how much he and Fred have in common. He sighs, "I feel...warmth. Wait -- no, I don't. That's just me wetting myself, because you wouldn't let me pee! Thanks for nothing!" How juvenile. Also: hee hee hee! Fred says that she has to figure out a way that they can stop Jasmine. Maxwell offers to think about it in the morning, and picks a blanket up off the floor as he prepares for bed. Fred stares at the pile of severed hands that were hidden under the blanket. She lifts the axe again as Maxwell tries the old "Are these yours?" routine. He wonders why anyone would keep a stash of "tasty little -- I mean, disgusting, meaty things like this." He picks up one of the hands, and the fingers flop around because it's just a rubber hand, and Johanna thinks that makes it even funnier somehow, and I have to agree. This is so, so strange. Fred looks skeptical for some reason, and the demon admits that he isn't a vegetarian. Maxwell tears one of the fingers off the hand, nibbles on it, and makes the expected "finger food" joke. Then he throws the hand and the finger at Fred, and can I just repeat that there's a midget demon throwing severed human limbs at a character here? It's just fabulously odd. Fred screams and drops the axe as Maxwell leaps up at her face, knocking her down. He bites her shoulder and says, "I've got your demon jihad right here!" So. Very. Strange! They tussle for a second before Fred grabs the axe and plants it neatly in the back of Maxwell's skull. After shoving the demon's body off herself, she examines the bloody wound in her arm. And then she has...an idea!