Spin the Bottle

Previously on Angel, Cordy forgot herself, Fred tried to teach her professor a lesson, Wesley wouldn't shut up, Gunn killed a guy, and I was quoted in the Washington Post. That last thing wasn't on the show, but I think it's cool, so I'm mentioning it. And the previouslys were full of lies! Lies! Because there's a "clip" of Cordy asking, "Were we in love?" just the way she did last week. Except that Angel is missing the bruises and cut cheek he had in that scene. I know he heals fast -- well, sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't, but that's a separate issue. The point is that even at their best, his healing powers don't extend backward in time. Continuity error! Scandal! Okay, it's not that big a deal. Although I am amused they inserted a shot from this week (as we shall see) into the previouslys.

Music swells as Cary starts singing "The Way We Were." He's on a dramatically lit stage, and we hear scattered applause from the unseen audience. Cary starts chatting about how magical youth is, and I'm already distracted by the smoldering ashtray on a table to him. Cary's smoking! Does this mean he's evil? My first question is, why is this framing device happening? I was going to call it a frame-story, but there's no actual story taking place during these interludes, so that can't be the right term. Granted, there's not much story taking place during the other parts of the episode, either. Cary says he's gonna tell the audience a story: "It starts with a kid."

Testosterone-laden guitar cue as we watch Connor walking down a street, angrily shoving people out his way. Blipvert of Connor's encounters with Cordy. Freeze frame, as Cary changes his mind: "No, actually, it really starts here." Second question: Why on earth would Cary even think about starting the story with Connor? Wait, I know this one: because telling the story is less important than getting to show us some directoral fanciness. That may be the answer to my question, too. I might as well get it all out now: I think Whedon is talented, and he often writes some great, quotable dialogue. He sometimes writes great, memorable scenes. Great enthralling stories, not so much. Which, I suspect, is is why he likes doing high-concept episodes that are almost entirely plot-free. So there.

Cut to Cordy asking the mysteriously undamaged Angel if they were in love. Angel hms. Cordy repeats, "Were we?" Angel says, "What?" Cordy: "In love!" Angel: "With each other?" I'm not sure if he's playing dumb to stall for time, or if he really is that dumb. Both ideas are equally funny. After Cordy gets irate, Angel finally admits that he doesn't know; he "had feelings" for her, but he wasn't sure if they were reciprocated. He mentions their ill-fated date at Point Dume, and Cordy replies, "Maybe I was gonna tell you to back off, buddy. Maybe you were coming on too strong. Harassing me in the workplace." Uh oh, she's confusing Angel with Doyle. Angel stammers that he never harassed her in the workplace, then admits, "There was that one time, with the ballet and the stripping and the roundness, but that was a spell!" "Roundness"? Ha! And possibly eek. He defensively points out that Point Dume sounds like the place for a romance, not lawsuits, and Cordy tells him to stop yelling at her. Angel says he isn't, adding, "This is why I don't want to answer questions I don't have the answers for." That's honest. I can respect that. Angel says, "All I know is that you were my dearest friend. I hope that, I just -- I want that back. That much, at least." Aw. Cordy angsts about her amnesia, saying, "I know my ABCs. I know who's president, and that I sorta wish I didn't." That would be funnier if I wasn't so startled by the idea of Cordelia having any awareness of politics. Anyway, Cordy is near tears as she admits, "I don't even recognize the sound of my own name!" Angel reassures her, "We'll get you back," and then Cary strolls into the courtyard asking, "Who's 'we,' paleface?" Cary holds up a bottle and says that one of his clients provided him with a spell that will "bring our Cordy back to the way she was." Angel is dubious, but Cary insists, "There's no way this can fail!"

Cut to frame-non-story Cary, who says, "So I'm an idiot. What are you, perfect?" Credits.

When we return, Cary is screaming "Foreshadowing! Implications of wackiness with a hint of tragedy! Be eager to please!" Or words to that effect. As he explains that he had good reason to think the spell would work, we pan around and go from frame-non-story Cary talking to the unseen audience to normal Cary talking to Cordy and Angel. Fancy.

Yeah, so Cary had a client and she deals with memory spells, so we have officially legitimized the plot device. Angel worries, "Spells -- I don't trust them." Cordy's all over it, though. Cary leads Cordy inside, explaining, "As soon as I gather the six, we'll be good to go." Angel stands in the courtyard, wondering, "The six what?"

Shut up, Wesley. We pan up from a box of mysterious weaponry to see Wesley trying out some...well, mysterious weaponry. It's a wrist-mounted Swiss Army knife, basically. Wesley practices with it, destroying a vase and making exciting swish-swish noises with a long blade, as another guy watches in the background. The blade retracts into the "holster," and Wesley pays the background guy as the phone rings. As the background guy exits, Wesley answers the phone and, after listening, says, "I'll be there right away. If it works, it's worth doing." We learn that it's Cary calling, and Wesley hesitantly asks if "everything's all right with Fred."

Fred and Gunn are lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Gunn's shirtless again! Woo. There's a knock at the door, and Fred goes to answer it. My goodness, look at her teeny tiny waist. Angel's at the door, and Fred quietly, yet crabbily, asks what he wants.

In the lobby, Cary is painting a design on the floor. Gunn and Fred descend the staircase as Gunn grumps, "Oh good. Symbols on the floor; that always goes well." Cary explains that it's for Cordy, and Gunn whines about portals opening again and sulks off. Cary tells Fred that he found a spell to restore Cordy's memory, in case we didn't hear him the first time he explained it. He also says, "Lo-lath ch-owrng ne bruun." ("Who was that lady I saw you with?" tm Shack) Fred replies, "Kaya-no-m'tek." ("To get to the other side!" tm Shack.) Wesley asks, "Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?" as he enters. Cary explains that they were speaking Pylean. Wesley doesn't ask how there could be a whole Pylean language when, during their visit, everyone spoke English. Instead, he just asks Fred if she's okay, adding, "Did you...?" Fred hems, "It's done." Gunn stares at them both from the background.

Cary blathers to the audience for a minute on stage, and then gets to take part in a Tim-Roth-in-Reservoir Dogs-expositon-juxtaposition. Say that three times fast. Cary stands in the background of the Hyperion and explains, "I didn't know that, a couple of hours ago, Fred had tried to kill her evil professor by opening a portal. Gunn didn't know that Wesley had helped her. Wesley didn't know that Gunn had killed the guy himself to save Fred from becoming a killer. And Fred didn't know that Gunn was right then figuring out that Wesley had helped her try." How would these facts have made a difference to what Cary was doing? Also, how exactly did Gunn "right then" figure out that Wesley had helped Fred? Oh, I see: there is a purpose to having Cary as a pseudo-narrator for this episode. Because he can just tell us things that Whedon's too lazy to write scenes explaining. Also also, why is Cary summarizing last week's episode for us? Isn't that my job? Also also also, how did Cary eventually learn all of these interesting facts? Because we sure don't see him discover any of this in the course of the episode. Anyway, Cary goes on with pointless exposition like that. He finally stops.

Cordy steps out of the bathroom wearing a towel. Is it sweeps already? Angel's standing in her room. Startled "Oh!"s are exchanged. Not like that. Cordy alludes to the somewhat unsanitary conditions with Connor. Not like that. Angel asks after Connor. Cordy says what sounds like "He's eighteen," but the captioning says, "He's a teen." The second one makes more sense, but it does sound like "eighteen." I dunno. Cordy starts looking for an outfit, and I should mention that there's generic music playing on her stereo because it'll be important later. Well, not important, but relevant. Angel says that they're almost ready downstairs, and heads for the door. Cordy asks, "You're perfectly okay with just wandering into my room any old time?" Y'know, there's no good answer to that one. Angel doesn't even try. Cordy goes on, "That fits the 'We were in love' theory and the harassment theory pretty much equally." Angel non-answers that it'll be resolved soon, and leaves.

Downstairs, Wesley strolls into the office. Gunn suddenly asks, "So I guess I'm the muscle, huh?" Gunn is seated in a dark corner, the better to ask probing, jealous, possibly psychotic questions. Hey, it's all about mood. Gunn and Wesley snark at each other for a minute. Gunn makes it clear that he knows Fred went to Wesley for help last week. How he knows this will forever be a mystery. Wesley sniffs, "I did what you weren't prepared to do." Wesley, you gave Fred a drink, let her look at a book, and gave her a lift. And then you let her walk into a dangerous situation by herself. Which I guess Gunn wouldn't have done, but I wouldn't go bragging about that. Gunn jumps out of his chair and fires back, "You have no idea what I've -- what I would do for her." Wesley sneers, "Is there some reason I should need to know?" and I just want to punch him, just once. Gunn says he knows why Wesley keeps coming back, and Wesley couldn't be more of a dick as he says, "Because you keep needing my help." Inexplicably, Gunn doesn't reply, "We need your help like Cary needs another hole in his head." Wesley, if you want to be self-righteous, you should try to be right more than half the time. Or at least acknowledge when you're wrong. There is no excuse for being this big an asshole. As I keep saying, I've known people like Wesley, and I hope everyone who loves him gets to experience that same joy.

Where was I? Gunn tells Wesley, "You move on Fred and I'm gonna put you down, hard." Wesley sneers, "I'm glad to see you have such faith in your relationship." Gunn and I urge Wesley to keep pushing things, but Wesley waves his hand dismissively and asks Gunn to get out of his way. Kill him! Gunn grabs Wesley's wrist, and the Swiss Army skewer pops out of Wesley's sleeve. Ack! No! Not Gunn "him," the other "him" -- that's the "him" I want killed! Gunn barely avoids getting skewered, and Wesley observes, "Not all of us have muscle to fall back on." The blade magically retracts, and Wesley starts to leave. Gunn asks, "What happened to you, man?" Wesley turns to say, "I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me." Uh huh. And that was all out of the blue and not the direct result of mistakes that you made. Weasel.

Cut to everyone seated on the floor around the symbol in the lobby. They hold hands as Cary chants, "Owah tago syam." Or something like that. The bottle of potion rocks, candles flicker, music swells, morphy lights zap out of the bottle into the cast. Just another typical Sunday at the Hyperion. Everyone reels, and Cary crawls off moaning, "I feel a little..." Sitar music starts up on the soundtrack, and I think we all know what that means. It means I start singing, "Within You Without You." Oh, and it means that everyone's stoned, for some reason. Cary crawls behind the front desk, stands up, and then falls down unconscious. Everyone else gazes around looking stupefied. Needless to say, Boreanaz excels at this. Angel ends up wandering out into the courtyard. Fred examines a potted plant and strokes the fronds, insisting, "This is important!" And then she pukes. Gunn shadow-boxes. Wesley looks at the ceiling and finally gibbers, "We'll just wait to see if there are any side effects!" Cordy looks astonished and insists, "We can't just -- we have to -- no!" She slams her foot down on the bottle of potion, smashing it. And ending the sitar music, thank goodness. Unfortunately, it's going to be replaced with the violin cue of wackiness. Cordy asks what's going on, and Wesley asks her what her name is. Cordy answers, "I'm Cordelia Chase, dumb-ass." And then she says that if this is a "sophomore hazing prank," her parents will sue everyone in Sunnydale. Gunn asks what she's talking about. She goes on that way a little more, and then is distracted as Angel enters from the courtyard. "Hello, salty goodness," she sighs. Y'know, I didn't understand that line the first time she said it, and I still don't. I mean, "salty"?

Commercials. Johanna tells me a story that scene reminded her of, the punchline to which is "Why would anybody do that to a dog?" Maybe I'll have a contest where you try to fill in the details. We also agree that Connor should drop in and maybe Learn an Important Lesson about being a teenager. Or maybe just be bewildered by everyone. Either one's fine, really.

Now we get to the point where I have a hard time not quoting every line. Wesley establishes that Cordy's a student in Sunnydale, and then asks who Gunn is. Gunn says, "I'm the guy that's gonna be kicking a whole mess of ass [if] somebody don't tell me what's goin' on." There just aren't enough [sic]s in the world sometimes. Cordy asks, "What do they call you for short?" Heh. Fred introduces herself and says she's a student in San Antonio. Her accent is a lot heavier, also. Cordy gasps, "We're both in school? Gosh, let's be best friends so I can lose all of my cool ones!" Wesley tells Cordy not to be "snippety," and Cordy calls Wesley "Princess Charles." Wesley introduces himself, and says he's from "the Watcher's Academy in Southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be Head Boy." Cordy sneers, "I wonder how you earned that nickname." Wesley obliviously says, "A lot of effort, I don't mind saying." Gunn says, "Gunn." Wesley ducks and covers, asking, "Where?" At least his reaction is funnier than it was for Whedon's first attempt at that joke.

Angel is crouching over by the door. He's got strong calves. I can't believe I just thought that. Johanna will have a field day. Anyway, Cordy strolls over to Angel and asks who he is. Angel stands up and says they're all crazy, then asks, "What land is this?" To avoid admitting that he doesn't know, Wesley asks, "What land do you hail from, friend?" Angel snaps, "I'm not your friend, you English pig! We never wanted you in Ireland; we don't want you now!" Gunn and Cordy note that Angel doesn't exactly sound Irish, and I shout to them, "Yeah, but you'd still say that even if he was doing the accent. This way's less painful, at least." Angel insists, "For most certain, I sound exactly..." Then he stops and feels his throat. "Something's wrong with my voice," he observes. He does finally say that his name is Liam, and Cordy sniffs, "Great, we've all got names. Bye now!" She heads for the door, while Angel mutters to himself in the background: "Liam Gauuuuuuuu...." He continues to do that for a while, so just assume that's happening until he has another line. Thanks. Meanwhile, Wesley stops Cordy, insisting that they're all "victims of some nefarious scheme!" He guesses that the door is bolted (from the outside? Oh, right: he's an idiot) and that further dangers await them outside. Wesley wants to gather information. Cordy wants to call the police. Gunn vetoes that, saying, "I don't want no heat near me." Fred agrees, adding that the police are probably involved. Angel is still visible in the background, crouched over on the stairs, talking to himself. Hee. Fred goes on about government conspiracies and experiments, adding, "Did anybody else have to take a personality disorder test recently? They ask you about politics and your bowel movements and if you want to be a florist?" Cordy interrupts, "We've heard from Scarlet O'Please-Shut-Me-Up; does anyone sane have a theory?" Wesley strokes his chin as he ponders the situation, and then says, "Judging from the amount of facial hair I've grown, we've all been unconscious for at least a month." Except you can see two clean-shaven guys right in front of you. Idiot. Cordy suddenly gasps, and feels her shorn locks. She starts sobbing, "The government gave me bad hair!" Fred and Wesley unconvincingly assure her that her haircut is very nice. Then Wesley blurts, "But a clue, nonetheless! Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair!" From the stairs, Angel declares, "It's the devil!" Cordy sniffs, "My hair?!" Angel explains that his father warned him that he'd end up in hell. Gunn looks around at the hotel and says, "Hell's a lot nicer than my place." Cordy bursts into tears and storms off-camera. Fred guesses that it's "Motel Hell," and then does a snorty-giggle-thing. If she'd referenced Tourist Trap, I'd be snorting and giggling right along with her.

Wesley approaches Gunn and suggests that they take a look around. Gunn snaps, "Don't be givin' me orders; I run my own crew." Wesley assures Gunn that his "seafaring adventures" are great, but that he's seen things Gunn can't imagine. Attack ships on fire off the -- oops. Sorry. Gunn leans into Wesley and makes threatening noises, Wesley leans over backward (literally, that is) and nervously giggles, "Intimidation!" Then Wesley threatens to use some karate on Gunn. Wesley makes a few ninja gestures, in the course of which one of his stealth blades pops out. Wesley, and everyone else, is startled. After a moment, Wesley gasps, "A clue!" Ha! This is about where Johanna starts comparing Wesley to Nancy Drew. I was thinking more Inspector Clouseau. Gunn asks if that's a wooden stake, and Wesley says it is, and I say it isn't. Wood hardly ever reflects light that way. Okay, maybe it's because I'm looking at it on a small TV screen, but seriously: it looks like a blade, not a stake. Fred busts out some equally silly karate moves, but no blades (or stakes) pop out of her shirt sleeves. Gunn wonders why only Wesley is armed. Wesley suggests that they look for other weapons. Gunn is willing to admit that Wesley's got a point (ho ho!), and they all roam through the lobby. Fred steps behind the front desk as Wesley gingerly pushes the weapon back into its holster. Then Fred trips and screams. Wesley jumps. The blade pops out, and pops out some more until it's a big hinged swinging blade. Or stake. If you're crazy. Fred jumps up and screams again. Wesley swings his arm around, startled. Gunn moves over toward Fred in the background. Fred bumps into him and screams a third time. Wesley whips his arm around, screams, retracts his weapons, and finally shouts, "All right! Nobody scream! Or touch my arms!" Fred says that she found another clue, and Wesley gingerly leans down and pulls up his pants legs to check for weaponry. His calves are free of danger. Cordy asks, "What the hell is that?" Wesley stumbles over to take a look at what's behind the desk. Everyone stares at unconscious Cary. Angel mutters, "I knew it. It's the devil." Fred wonders, "Why is the devil sleepy?" Because if he was awake, this would be resolved immediately and we wouldn't any wacky comedy! Duh.

Cue the guitars again as we cut to Connor, beating up some vamps in an alley. A blonde cowers by a dumpster while Connor makes with the punching and kicking and so on. One vamp runs away; Connor stakes the other. He tells the girl that she's safe, and turns to leave. The girl calls him back and unnuendos, "You saved me life! Don't you want your reward?" Aw, he's got his own groupie! Connor thinks about that and nods, "Yeah. Okay." The girl asks if he has fifty dollars. Well, it's not technically a reward if he has to pay. Unless she's offering him a discount. Connor's confused, and the girl turns away, sighing, "You got nothin'." Connor tries to argue, the girl brushes him off and struts away. Cary voice-overs: "Classy girl!" So Connor told Cary all about this at some point? I don't buy it.

Cut to the frame-non-story Cary, who asks the audience, "Meanwhile, guess what I'm doing' for fun?"

And cut again, to unconscious Cary being duct-taped to the round sofa chair by Wesley. With all the chairs in the place, I'm at a loss to explain why they decided to put Cary in that one. Gunn and Wesley bicker over whether to cut Cary's head off. Cordy interrupts: "You two wanna pause the homoerotic buddy-cop session long enough to explain this?" And the forums go wild. At least, that's what I wrote in my notes. But they didn't, actually. Y'all are unpredictable sometimes. Cordy asks why they aren't more surprised by all the weaponry and the horned green guy. Angel and Fred open the weapons cabinet and stare at the contents. Fred whispers to Angel, "Have you got any weed?" Angel's eyes glances from side to side, probably because he's trying to make sense of the question. Wesley gets serious and announces, "I'm going to let you all in on something that you may have trouble comprehending, but I assure you that however --" Gunn cuts to the chase: "Vampires are real." His big moment ruined, Wesley complains, "I was telling!" Gunn elaborates that he's spent his life fighting vampires. Angel asks if Cary is a vampire. Wesley gets a chance to show off by explaining that Cary is a demon, "Probably of the Karathmah[indescribable noise]ng family." Gunn asks how they can kill it. Wesley hesitates, "I know this breed is nocturnal, and feeds on roots. Or possibly human effluvia....It's a horned race." While Wesley stalls, Fred experimentally pats Cary's hair. Gunn observes, "So, you know Jack." Wesley repeats that the demons in question are nocturnal instead of asking who Jack is, which is the joke I expected. Gunn heads for the weapons cabinet. Wesley tries to push him back, and Gunn quickly wraps his arm around Wesley's neck. Always with the necks. While Gunn tries to choke Wesley, Wesley reaches back and grabs Gunn's ear. They tussle, and shout "Quit it!" at each other. Fred keeps patting Cary. Angel and Cordy just watch. Cordy asks if Angel's going to stop the fight. Angel replies, "It's about time the English got what's coming to them. I'm rooting for the slave!" Cordy looks at Angel with astonishment. While the lame tussle continues, Cary suddenly looks up at the camera and says, "I know I'm still unconscious during this part of the story, but can you believe these mooks?" Cordy finally shrieks, "Enough, okay?" and the fight ends after a last burst of gut-punches and shin-kicks. Cordy asks what Wesley's theory is. Wesley says that he's heard stories about a test: "You're locked in a house with a vicious, deadly vampire, and you have to kill him before he kills you." He says it's been done with Slayers. Fred asks, "Slayer? The band?" Wesley decides to skip the explanation in favor of repeating that this may be a test of the emergency memory loss system. Gunn's still stuck on killing Cary, and insists, "The day I take orders from guys like you is the...day I...it's not even gonna happen." See, it's ironic because -- what? You got that? Oh.

Cordy asks why they can't just leave. Angel twitchily says, "They did somethin' to us. They changed us." He nods crazily. Cordy asks if this all about her hair after all. Fred agrees with Angel, noting that none of them looks seventeen. Has anyone said that they're seventeen? Sure, Cordy and Wesley talked about being in school, but why seventeen in particular? Fred goes on to say that it's as if they've skipped a few years. Cordy looks down at her cleavage, experimentally hefts her breasts, and admits, "I kinda have filled out even more." Hee. Fred folds her arms over her chest and mutters, "And I apparently ain't gonna." Wesley feels his bicep as he flexes his arm, and Angel moans, "I feel cold. Inside." Cordy snaps, "This is so unfair! I'm a craggy twenty-something? What about prom?!" Ha! She gets a perfect note of whiny teenage petulance in her voice there, too. Fred asks whether killing the vampire will remove the spell so that they can resume their lives. "And never see each other again?" Cordy adds. Wesley says, "I believe we can all just go about our business." "And never see each other again?" Cordy repeats. Gunn grabs his axe and proposes that they divide into two groups to search. Cordy volunteers to team up with "tall dark and less-pathetic-that-you-two." By which she means Angel. Cordy and Angel head upstairs while the others head down the first floor hallway. Fred hangs back to tell Wesley, "I'm ready. I'm okay. It'd be cooler if we could score some weed, though." Oh, wait. This is meant to explain her appetite, right? That's funny.

Finally! A (slight) change of scene! I'll have added some paragraph breaks before you see this, but normally each scene gets a paragraph. Which means that right now I've got several paragraphs that are over a page long. Angel and Cordy are strolling down a hallway. We hear music playing, and Angel peers curiously into Cordy's room, where the stereo is still on. Right now it sounds like there's a Doors cover band playing on it. Angel turns back to Cordy and says, "Minstrels!" Hey! Hang on. Angel and Cordy went upstairs. And now they're in Cordy's room. Which was on the ground floor two weeks ago. Maybe when she moved back in this week, she moved everything upstairs? Whatever.

In the room, Angel leans in curiously and examines the stereo. Angel gingerly pokes the speaker with his sword. Cordy finally reaches over and shuts the stereo off. Angel whines, "You stopped the tiny men from singing!" Hee. Angel sits on the bed and looks forward to "a great cup of ale" when this is all over with. Cordy sits to him and starts putting the moves on him. She rubs his shoulder while he apologizes for acting "womanish." Cordy squeezes his bicep and assures him that he's not at all womanish, then says, "What is it about danger that makes your blood just..." As she turns her head, Angel gazes at her neck and suddenly vamps out. Then he goes back to normal before Cordy looks at him. Angel jumps up and excuses himself as he rushes into the bathroom. He stops in the doorway, and looks at his lack of reflection in the mirror. He turns back and raises one eyebrow in a way that reminds me of Bruce Campbell, for some reason. I pause the tape to giggle, and than laugh some more in anticipation. Unpause. Angel runs back into the room and tells Cordy, "I'm invisible!" Cordy says, "No, you're not." Beat. Angel says, "Oh. Excuse me!" and runs back into the bathroom, shutting the door. Pause. More giggling. That "I'm invisible!" thing kept me laughing for day, honest. Unpause. Angel looks into the mirror and waves, then whimpers slightly at his continued lack of reflection. Flustered, he vamps out and feels his altered face. Devamps. Vamps. Devamps. And so on. Each time we get the creaky noise of bones shifting, or whatever that noise is meant to be.