Um, so I actually missed the teaser. I was very busy. Okay, I was half-asleep on the couch, and it was 8:30, and then suddenly it was 9:03. Sorry about that. The annoying part, from my point of view is that -- you know those Verizon ads? With the "Can you hear me now?" guy? I've heard about them endlessly, but I hadn't seen one until last Thursday. I'm not sure how that's possible, since they seem to be everywhere, and I watch a lot of TV. I think I just tune out the commercials. Anyway, I'd mentioned this odd fact to Johanna last week, and during the first commercial break she called me to say, "There, now you've seen one!" because there was a new Angel-specific ad right after the credits. But that's when I was turning on the TV and cueing up the VCR and cursing vigorously, so I missed it. Sad. I did find out what happened in the teaser eventually. Phew.
So, previously on Angel, everybody got lovey-dovey, and lived in a magical happy land where nothing bad ever happened, and nobody had any reason to feel guilty or worry about the future, and the biggest problem facing the characters was how to get some nookie. Continuing one of this season's many bewildering trends, we start just a few minutes after the last episode ended. In Angel's room, we watch Cary watch Angel watch Connor. Angel starts in with, "I remember him being taller," and Cary replies, "They don't actually get smaller until they're very, very old." Angel means Groo, of course, and insists that Groo is short. Cary humors Angel, suggesting that "once Cordelia gets him home, she'll just pop him into a smallish drawer, and that will be that." Heh. Angel seems surprised that Cordy is taking Groo to her place, but insists that it doesn't bother him one bit. Cary smells Cordy's perfume on Angel's jacket, and Angel explains that they had another one of their wacky supernatural experiences, but he's really, truly, honest and for true, not interested in Cordelia. He says he's been single most of his unlife, after all. Way to dismiss poor Darla. Sheesh. Angel puts the coat away. Then he pulls it out and sniffs it. Because he loooooves Cordy. Or because he realized that if it really stinks of perfume, he should probably take it to the dry-cleaner.
At Cordy's, Groo briefly explains how he was dethroned: "Committees splintered into factions, the factions into coalitions, the coalitions turned into subcommittees, until finally the more radical element, spurred by a charismatic leader, did the dance of revolution." He wasn't too upset about it, though. And then he used the magic books to open a portal, because that's super-easy to do, and popped into this dimension, where he immediately spotted one of the "Angel Investigations" fliers and headed straight for the Hyperion. That's just my guess. Hey, if it's so easy for Pyleans to get to Earth, isn't that kind of bad? What with Pylea being full of Trombli baddies and violent Drokken beasts and such? Oh well. Cordy subtly checks to see if maybe Groo's found himself a new girlfriend in Pylea, but without the subtle part, and Groo says there was nobody else. They kiss, and suddenly instead of seeing Groo, Cordy is looking at a nasty spine-covered monster. And then it's Groo again, asking if she's okay. Credits.
The morning, Angel enters the lobby, all set to take the trash out to the curb. Wait, he's carrying the baby. But I repeat myself. Wesley is wearing a plaid short-sleeved shirt over a black t-shirt, which I mention because it's so un-Wesley. Angel nervously notes that Cordy is usually at the hotel by this time. Wesley says, "I imagine she and Groosalugg were up late." Angel huffs into the office and deposits the brat in a bassinet while Wesley says he wanted to talk to Angel about something. "It's the fact of him," Wesley says. Yeah. Same ambigous pronoun conversation comedy premise. Angel chirps, "You think he's evil!" and asks, "[Does] he seem shorter to you?" Wesley asks if they're both talking about the baby. Having redirected the conversation, they start over. Angel whines, "His birth was foretold. How many people can say that?" Yes, Angel, you've got the specialest kid in the whole wide world. I still want it to die. Wesley convinces Angel that they should try to figure out what the heck the writers were on when they came up with this whole storyline to begin with. Angel's eager to go break into Wolfram & Hart and get back the Niazian scrolls, but Wesley thinks that they can probably find out information through other research. Angel says he wants to be involved, which is when Cordy abruptly appears in the background asking, "Involved with who?" Angel hustles over to greet Cordelia, and then spots Groo, who is whirling around a sword from the weapons cabinet. Angel backs up to Cordy and says, "Can you ask him not to handle my weapons?" Cordy makes an unnuendo about how "that's about all [Groo's] going to be handling," leading Angel to surmise that she and Groo didn't make the sign of the five-legged tree frog. Cordy feels obliged to explain that she couldn't sleep with Groo "after seeing that disgusting spiny thing." Angel does a double-take, and the soundtrack goes through contortions to convince me that this is a laugh riot and not just extremely tiring.
Cordy does some patter to establish that she had a vision; she shows Wesley a sketch of a spiny demon and says it was a "mood-killer." Wesley tells Cordy that she should have called them, and Cordy pshaws that she wouldn't call her friends in the middle of the night just because she couldn't have sex, and this is the fourth "joke" in a row based on the idea that the characters are idiots who can't follow a conversation. If this show is doomed to become a sitcom, couldn't it at least become a sitcom that's actually funny? Oh wait, this is the WB, so by their standards this is funny. Cordy finally figures out what Wesley meant, and assures him that the Spiny Monster won't turn up until later in the day. Wesley, for reasons I don't want to know, asks "Why can't you have sex?" Cordy says, "I could lose my visionity." And then the soundtrack tweedles in a modern interpretation of the rimshot. Wesley smirks, "If you want to play it that way..." and Cordy over-enunciates, "Vision-ity," and I dig out the first-aid kit to see if there's anything in there that'll help me. I've got safety scissors, but even if I jam them into my eyes I'm still going to hear the dialogue. Damn. Cordy reminds anyone that in Pylea, the visions were supposed to pass to Groo if they, ahem, com-shuked, so maybe the same thing is true on Earth. Angel readily agrees that Cordy should play it safe, while Wesley thinks that Cordy's demonitude might protect her visionity against any com-shucking. God help me, that sentence made sense to me. Angel interrupts and again urges caution, because he's jealous and we know, the world knows, everyone but Cordy knows, and more importantly, nobody cares. No matter how much the soundtrack trills and toots, this isn't funny. Cordy agrees with Angel, but stares dreamily out at Groo and makes animal noises. She asks if Angel and Wesley agree that Groo is bangable, and I don't know what kind of response she was expecting but all she gets is awkward glances. Cordy says, "There must be something we could do to relieve the tension." To spare me from having to offer some suggestions, Angel says, "Jogging could be a thing." Heh. Hey, see, that was funny. Was that so hard? Just give the characters amusing dialogue, instead of making them act like morons. But so much for that idea, as Wesley says, "Perhaps there's some form of paranormal prophylactic." Angel interrupts Wesley, Cordy keeps pondering the problem and makes a final unfunny remark, and the soundtrack goes into ecstatic spasms at the hilarity.
Gunn and Fred are having breakfast at a diner. Gunn mentions that he thought she and Wesley "had a thing for each other." Fred assures Gunn that she and Wesley are just friends. Gunn prepares to order her another plate of pancakes, but she stops him, all in a tizzy. Gunn assures her, "I love watching you eat." That is a good line to use on the womenfolk, if you ask me. I mean, unless the girl in question is eating a banana or something. Just a handy dating tip from me. My dating tips are worth even less than my fashion tips, though, so I'm not making any guarantees. Fred says they should go because "people might start to talk." Gunn doesn't understand why, and Fred says, "You know...us." Gunn assumes she means the folks back at the office, and reminds her that they always go to the diner for breakfast. Fred says things are different now that they've kissed, and asks if he thinks "they can tell." Gunn looks around and asks, "From here?" Fred apologizes and reminds us all that she spent five years in a cave, so she's not used to dating. Gunn and I chorus, "I know what that's like." Fred asks what he means, and Gunn says, "Now everything's so bright, my eyes hurt." Ugh. That is not a good line to use on the womenfolk. Fred and Gunn stare at each other as a waitress drops the bill on the table. Gunn and Fred both put hands on the bill, and Fred coyly asks, "How are we gonna work this?" Gunn says they'll just split it like always, and Fred says, "But you hardly ordered anything. I'd be getting so much more value." Maybe Fred can make up for it later, when Gunn has some orders for her. Sometimes I type things and then I worry about myself. Anyway, Gunn says he's making out okay, and they both lean over for a kiss, but then their proximity alert alarms go off. Oh wait, it's just Wesley paging them on their beepers.
For those coming in late: I just recapped a conversation about how to split the bill for a $10 breakfast. Where'd I put those scissors?
At the Hyperion, Wesley tells the others that the demon Cordy saw is a Senih'd, and passes around his Dungeonmaster's Guide so they can all look at the picture. Was I the only one who heard "Thneed," and figured this was gonna be a Dr. Seuss cross-over? Just checking. Angel stands near Groo, and rises up on his toes so that he's taller. Because he's insecure. And jealous. In case you forgot. Wesley suggests that Angel enter the sewers while the rest of them go to the water treatment plant at the park and head back toward Angel, and presumably they'll run into the Senih'd at some point in between. Groo looks at the book and declares that it "resembles the Bleaucha, which nests in the Scum Pits of Ur." Hee. "Bleaucha." Pronounced "bleck-ah." They really enjoy making the actors say silly things. I appreciate that. Anyway, Groo's killed bunches of Bleaucha, and says "Tracking it will be simple. Killing it, more difficult." Angel rolls his eyes and mutters, "Well, yeah." Wesley amends his plan and tells Groo to go with Angel. Because that way the two strongest fighters are together, and the other group is much weaker. I'll never understand why people think Wesley is smart. The soundtrack toots to alert us to the fact that Angel's not happy about teaming up with Groo. I wish they'd replace the flutes and string section with a laugh track, because at this point that would be less intrusive. As everyone gets ready for action, Angel complains to Wesley that he doesn't like his study partner: "I'm more of a loner. Plus he's so...bulky." Okay, hee, I guess. I'm too busy hating the soundtrack to discriminate, here. Angel goes on whining when Cordy hands Groo Angel's favorite broadsword. Cordy brings over a tiny little axe for Angel, gives Groo a kiss goodbye, and everyone heads out.
Koyannisquatsi-vert. Angel and Groo wander through the sewers. Angel asks if Groo can sense anything, and Groo answers, "A deep sadness." Angel turns and looks at Groo with exasperation. Or maybe it's me that's looking at Groo that way. Turns out Groo thinks he's making Cordy unhappy. Angel reluctantly assures Groo that Cordy's thrilled to have Groo. Uh, to have Groo around, that is. Groo insists that "there is a distance, as if her heart is not free." The conversation is interrupted by the audience moaning in impotent rage because we really, truly do get it. Hang on, I think that's actually the demon bellowing. That just shows that it hasn't even been on the planet for a full day, and he gets it. And he's sick of it. Poor demon -- what a world to come into. Angel and Groo try to track down the source of a sad beast lowing in pain at being exposed to toxic doses of melodrama. Angel spots some drops on the ground and kneels to investigate. Because what would small puddles of moisture be doing in a sewer tunnel? And he puts his fingers in it, too. Eeeew. Turns out that it's blood, so they follow the trail. I see a hand in the back of the class, what's that? It seems someone wants to know how the Senih'd got wounded so that it's leaving a trail of blood. Oh, you're watching this for plot, aren't you? Well, go away. Your kind isn't welcome here.
Angel and Groo enter a big room full of pipes and stuff. They pass by, and we see the Senih'd climbing on the pipes above them. I did like the direction in this episode, incidentally. It's pretty, at least. The Senih'd drops to the ground behind Angel and Groo and quickly knocks their weapons out of their hands, and then there's punching and kicking. The Senih'd leaps toward Groo, who dodges. The Senih'd crashes through a wooden wall and drops out into the park. So they're already at the water treatment plant, then. What happened to the MoG? Light streams in from the hole the Senih'd made in the wall, so Angel scurries back. Groo, however, picks up his broadsword and prepares to give chase.
We see a woman running away from the Senih'd, screaming. And there's quite a few other people at the park, who stop and watch as Groo races up. Then we get that jumpy-style of fight sequence direction that I keep complaining about. At the beginning of the season, I was so happy that the battle scenes were actually lit and we could see what was going on. And now they're lit, but they're about as easy to comprehend as the blipverts are. Of course, I was happy about a lot of things at the start of this season. It was a simple time. Angel watches from the plant as the MoG come dashing over a hill toward Groo. Groo manages to pull the girl away from the Senih'd, and then conks it a few times before dealing it a killing blow. The demon dwindles away into nothing, and the MoG and other bystanders hurry over. People break into applause for Groo. I take it we've completely given up on the idea that there is anyone in the entire world who doesn't know that demons exist. Wesley turns and looks over, spotting Angel, who's standing in the plant looking out at them. Let me be more specific: he's standing directly behind the hole in the wall, which he dodged away from a minute ago because of all the sunlight coming through it. Maybe a cloud passed by. Clearly, nobody on the show cares, so I don't see why I should.
When we return, everyone's back at the Hyperion. Angel's in the office with an actual live human client, Ms. Frakes. The MoG are goofing around out in the lobby. Shouldn't they be in there getting information about the new case? Angel watches Groo and Cordy cuddle while the woman talking to him talks about how "you think your place is secure" and then some interloper "takes your place," and I think we're all clear on Angel feeling threatened, so enough. It turns out that Ms. Frakes believes that Jerry, her fiancé, is having an affair. She figures it has to be the result of witchcraft, saying, "We've been engaged for eight years! She had to have put some kind of a spell on him." Eight years? Yipes.
Wesley's at the front desk, making a phone call about a book he's trying to track down. He looks out at the others, then backs up so that, from Wesley's point of view, Gunn is eclipsed by a pillar and Fred is still in his line of sight. Ew, creepy.
Angel asks Ms. Frakes for the name of the fiancé-stealing harlot. She hands over some emails she found on Jerry's computer (again: ew, creepy) from "HotBlonde." Angel thinks it might be tricky to track someone down from just an email, although I don't know why, since Fred had no trouble tracing a website. Wesley enters the office as Ms. Frakes suggests that if they follow Jerry, he'll lead them to "HotBlonde." Why doesn't she just do that herself? It seems like she's already done most of the work here. Wesley immediately insists that they can spare someone to watch Jerry, and calls Gunn. Wesley tells Gunn about the case, hands him the emails, and sends him on his way. Fred follows after Gunn, telling Wesley, "We won't let you down." Wesley makes a "Drat!" face. So Wesley is now trying to use his "authority" to separate Gunn and Fred for his own reasons. After all, if he thought that having the two of them work together would be dangerous because they'd be distracted, he could tell them that instead of playing these manipulative games.
Angel and Wesley arrive at a bookstore. Angel grumbles that maybe Cordy should "just make with the com-shuk" and get it over with. Wesley asks the store owner for the "Grammaticus Third Century Greek Commentaries" he asked about on the phone, and the owner scurries off to get it. Angel keeps on insisting that Cordy should have sex. This conversation is so inappropriate, although I guess it's Cordy's fault for bringing it up. So to speak. Wesley, busy hefting his own industrial-strength duffel bag of issues, wonders whether having an office romance will complicate things. Groo's worked with them for a day. Is that really an office romance? He's more like a temp. Unless they're just assuming that this is yet another person they're supporting with Angel's untold (and unidentified) riches. Angel doesn't think that's a problem, anyway. Wesley points out that Cordy might lose her visions, but Angel isn't concerned about that. Wesley asks, "Are you suggesting Groosalugg could replace Cordelia?" Great, now I'm picturing Groo in Cordy's clothes. That's a mean thing to make me do. Angel pouts, "Maybe not Cordelia..." and Wesley finally picks up on the fact that Angel feels threatened by Groo. Wesley spouts nonsense like, "You're the reason we've all come together. It's your mission which animates us." Or at least, it's his problems that keep the MoG from actually managing to help anyone else. I guess that's kind of like a mission. Wesley tells Angel that he's unique, indicating the bookshelves and adding "like one of these rare volumes, one of a kind." On cue, the store owner returns with a few volumes and announces, "I've got three of 'em." Even the soundtrack is too tired to bother working itself up for that punchline.
Back at the office, Cordy and Groo are smooching. Cordy asks Groo if he's sure, and he is, so Cordy reassures him, "I practiced plenty on my cousin Timmy when we were kids." She's going to give him...a haircut! Comedy! Cordy pauses to confirm that Groo doesn't have a Samsonian problem where he gets his strength from his hair. Groo flexes a giant arm and replies, "No, I believe it is in my muscles." He's all bumpy. Yuck. Cordy gets excited about giving Groo a head-to-toe makeover, and Groo asks, "Will the new me please you in ways that the old me could not?" Groo, you've spent a grand total of about forty-eight hours with Cordy -- ease up on the pressure, okay? Cordy tries to explain that Groo wants something she can't give, adding, "It's not that I don't want to. I do!" Groo understandingly says, "You are afraid that with me, you will be less than what you were." A reasonable fear on her part, since the interesting aspects of her character have already been lessened considerably since going to Pylea. If she loses anything else, she'll dwindle away to nothing.
A tree! What a helpful establishing shot. A car pulls up on a suburban road, and someone we can assume is Jerry gets out and walks over to the great big...tree. Gunn and Fred pull up nearby in Gunn's truck. Fred sets up a tiny little video camera on the dash, to record whatever it is that Jerry's up to. Fred asks if Gunn thinks that Jerry's really under a spell. Gunn says, "There's all different kinds of magic. You've got demony love spells, mojo sex chants, voodoo booty rituals..." Heh. They're laughing, too. And now Gunn's saying stupid things to Fred about her big brown eyes. I'm trying to stab Fred's big brown eyes with the scissors, but they just bounce off the glass and it's not as cathartic as it seemed. Gunn and Fred turn, and see that Jerry is still standing under the tree like a doofus. Fred pontificates about the chemistry of love, suggesting that "the DNA knows what it needs, and when it finds it, nothing can get in its way. It just takes it." Gunn shuts her up by kissing her, and I continue to generate useless little clinking noises as the scissors bounce against the TV screen. Eventually Fred reminds Gunn that they're supposed to be working, and when they look out the window again, Jerry is gone.
Wesley and Angel return to the Hyperion with the latest prophetic book. Angel thanks Wesley for soothing his pathetic ego. Wesley suggests that having another warrior around "may be an asset." I think you can drop the "may be," for heaven's sake. Wesley goes on to insist that Angel and Groo are two totally different people. Naturally, they are immediately faced with the sight of the remade Groo, with short spiky hair and a black leather jacket. The soundtrack rouses itself for some more "See, it's funny!" tweedle-deedle-dee-ing. Angel smiles at Groo and asks where Cordy is.
Cordy's in the office. Angel enters and points out that Groo is wearing his clothes. Cordy, who should have had someone do her hair while she was having spa day, blithers about how nicely Angel's clothes fit Groo, and then before Angel can interrupt, says, "I need your help." Angel asks if she had a vision, but Cordy says no, it's personal, and she wouldn't ask but it's something only he can do. Angel smoothes the irritation from his face, takes Cordy's shoulders and has her sit down, then sits himself. Cordy goes on stammering that Angel's already done so much for her, and she hates to ask him for anything else, and so on. Angel looks very sincere and caring as he looks at her and finally says, "Just tell me what I can do." This just makes me mad. Because I think the only times I've really liked Angel are when he's being a good friend to Cordy in scenes like this one, and now it's all ruined. Oh wait, I also like him when he's beating up Riley. And punching Buffy. But those things don't happen very often, so it's mostly seeing him be Cordy's friend that I like. And now scenes like that are just set-up for stupid punchlines like having Cordy say, "I need you to help me have sex. With Groo." The soundtrack spasms again as we pan over to see Groo out in the lobby. It's funny because, you know, um...well, Cordy said "sex." I suppose that might be funny somehow. Use the commercial break to recover from this remarkable display of wit. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being too hard on the show. But then I watch it.
When we return, Cordy is explaining. I don't know why she feels the need to explain, but she does, so we've all got to hear about how she's tired of being lonely, and she's using the visions as an excuse for something unspecified. It's not a very satisfying explanation, which is funny since I didn't think any explanation was needed to begin with. Wesley and Groo are out in the lobby, talking about something. Groo is making odd gestures, and Wesley is waving his hands around the book, and it's a lot more interesting than what's going on in the foreground. Anyway, Cordy says that she "worked it out" based on Wesley's mention of a, so help me, "paranormal prophylactic." Cordy insists, "I couldn't be the only woman on earth that had some supernatural gift that could be lost through physical intimacy." Angel agreeably says, "Stands to reason." She says that there is a potion that she can take to protect her visionitude. As luck would happen, the potion is available right there in L.A., from a woman named Anita who's "kind of in the business" of making love potions and so on. Cordy's already placed an order, so she hands over what she says is nearly all of her money, and asks him to go make the pick-up. Maybe because he's the one with a car. Angel quite reasonably asks why Groo can't go (no car?), but Cordy says that Groo is going, and she just wants Angel to tag along. She explains, "I can't send him into a demon brothel all by himself! I mean, I trust him, but I'm not crazy." Angel blinks at the word "brothel," and Cordy explains, "You'd be safe there. No woman's gonna tempt you, right?" Groo wanders over and asks if they're ready to go, then puts an arm around Angel and thanks him for helping. Cue the soundtrack from hell.
Gunn and Fred are wandering around under the big tree, looking for Jerry. Fred points out that Jerry's car is still there, so he can't have gone far. Gunn finds a rose that Jerry was carrying on the ground. Eventually they remember that they were recording what was happening on the small but undoubtedly quite expensive video camera, so Fred pushes rewind. They watch on the camera as Jerry stands under the tree. And then something wraps around him, and he suddenly drops through the earth and out of sight. Fred sighs, "Well, that can't be good." And then long tendrils of something wrap around Gunn and Fred and pull them underground. You'd think they'd have noticed that they were standing on top of a big hole.
Cut to Hollywood Bordello, already in progress. Wait, it's still Angel after all. I can tell, because the whores have extra breasts, and the story doesn't make as much sense as Hollywood Bordello did. A woman we can safely assume is Anita escorts Groo and Angel down the hall, as she compliments them on their "outfits." Angel doesn't like that word. Johanna used to ask a friend about his different outfits, and he got a little touchy about it and reminded her that he was in the Reserves, and they were called "uniforms." Heh. Anita asks if the guys are "together," and Groo obliviously says that they are "two champions here together," just as I was thinking maybe they'd retired the C-word after all. Angel quickly corrects Groo, and says they're just "get-the-potion together." Groo adds, "So I may com-shuk my princess." These people all need to look up the word "discretion" and learn to apply it to their everyday lives. Angel's too busy making sure that Anita knows that he isn't the princess in question. He's distracted by giggling, and looks through an open doorway where a couple is having a pillow fight. This must be a brothel for people who are easily entertained. Anita claims that the room is enchanted so that "every touch, every emotion, every desire is extended for maximum pleasure." Okay, but maybe you should look into getting it a door that closes. She leads them into another bedroom. One wall of the otherwise lavish suite has a stone facade, and there's a man wearing a shirt, tie, and boxers manacled to the wall. The man says hello, and Groo rushes over to "rescue" him. Can I say again that this brothel should maybe respect the privacy of its guests a little more? Anyway, Groo starts trying to open the manacles, while the man protests. Angel goes over and tells Groo that the man is happy where he is. "As a slave?" Groo asks. The man says, "Don't judge me," which is odd because it seems like he's paying to have someone come in and judge him. In a different way, I admit. Let's just be glad that the soundtrack is napping, and move on to where Angel pays Anita for the potion. She lifts her hand up out of the shot and pulls down a bottle, which shimmers with post-production effects. Such magic. Anita tells them that the "princess" has to drink the whole bottle all at once. Then she hands Groo the bottle and turns to ask Angel why he came along on the field trip. "What's in it for you?" she asks, because it's time for Angel to have a dramatic realization about something uninteresting. We're spared that, however, when Angel's cell phone rings. Groo says, "Angel, your coat is singing." Heh. Angel answers the phone and says, "Gunn? I can barely hear you."
Cut to Gunn and Fred, who are wrapped in a collection of tree roots in an underground cave. ["That's some powerful cell phone Gunn has. I can't use my cell phone in my basement." -- Wing Chun] Gunn briefly explains the situation while we pull back to see that Jerry is lying on the ground some distance away, still twitching although there's a root sticking into his chest. Gunn describes the problem as "some root-crazy, tree-like demony thing." Well put. Fred adds that the tree has "what looks like a DSL connection." Sure enough, we see a bunch of computer screens and keyboards in among the roots. Fred expositions, "We're pretty sure he chats up lonely hearts online, and then sucks them down here for food." I'm going to interrupt here to mention that for a lot of this episode, I was on the phone with Johanna. And I'd read spoilers, so I knew what was going on, but Johanna didn't, so I'd kind of explain things to her when necessary. When Johanna saw the tree roots with the computers, and asked what the hell was happening, and I explained, and she didn't believe me at first, and I don't blame her a bit. Then she asked why the tree had to get online to find victims, and suggested that maybe it could just nab people who were out walking their dogs. I had no answer for her. ["I can accept that a tree could type on a keyboard with its roots. But how does it see the screens?" -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Angel's first question is "Have you called Wesley yet?" which makes no sense. "Hi, Angel, we're in terrible danger and need help!" "I see. Have you called Wesley?" What kind of response is that? Maybe he doesn't believe their story about the demon tree that lures people to their doom via the internet, and he thinks it's a prank call. I could understand him thinking that. Gunn and Fred say they didn't want to bother Wesley, presumably because they don't want to admit that they were kissing on the job, which they would have to admit because why? Oh, they wouldn't, because it's not relevant. Blech. Gunn finally says, "Nothing against Wes, but I'm not sure he can help us out at the moment. What we really need --"
We cut back to the brothel, as Angel holds out the phone and says, "It's for you." Oh come on. Gunn told Angel that they needed Groo's help? Sure.
Angel and Groo hurry through the sewer tunnels. Angel suddenly stops because he can sense evil. So can Groo, so he wants to rush forward, but Angel urges caution. He also calls Groo "Champ," which makes me twitch. Groo hands Angel the prophylactic potion and asks him to keep it safe, then charges forward. Angel sighs and follows.
In the treehouse, Groo is hacking away at roots while Gunn and Fred urge him on. We see a one-eyed face in the tree's trunk, which growls at Groo. ["Oh. Well, then, I have no objection to the idea that a demon tree would have a DSL connection and use it to lure lonelyhearts to their deaths. Cheers!" -- Wing Chun] A root lunges out and plunges into Groo's chest, yanking him forward. Angel enters with a dramatic flourish, takes in the situation, and whines, "That's my shirt!"
Angel picks up Groo's dropped sword and asks if the tree is made of wood. Fred says, "No, it's flesh," and Angel says that's good. Fred expositions that the tree "uses people as batteries." Gunn adds that it's gotten stronger since it captured Groo. Which was thirty seconds ago. Gunn's got some keen senses there. Angel snaps, "C'mon, [Groo] can't be that great!" He drops the sword, wanders over to the tree's "face," and asks if Groo is really all that. The tree slurs, "Hesh magnifishent." Angel isn't convinced. He wanders over to Groo and says, "I'm really getting tired of the Groosa-worship thing!" Then he punches Groo, causing the tree to scream. Angel goes on complaining that "he's such a champion. He's so rugged! He's so emotionally available!" punctuating each gripe with a punch. The tree keeps roaring but does nothing to shove Angel away. Stupid tree. Angel finishes, "I'm smarter, and I'm stronger, and I pick out my own clothes!" With a final two-handed club to Groo's neck, he finishes venting. The tree pulls its root out of Groo and drives it into Angel instead. Angel makes some lame quips, and the tree realizes that he's a vampire because no mere human could quip like that. It moans, "Cold, cold." I don't know why attacking a vampire makes the tree lose power, but it does, and there are so many other things I don't understand here that I see no reason to pick on that one in particular. ["Really, once you're confronted by a demon tree, you just have to realize you're overmatched, and give up." -- Wing Chun] The roots holding Gunn and Fred wither, and Fred and Gunn start working to free themselves. Gunn picks up the sword while the tree keeps on whining that it's "so cold." Gunn plunges the sword into the tree's eye and snaps, "So dead!" So dumb. Sure enough, that happens to kill it. The tree dies, Angel stands up, and Fred checks on Groo. She says "he's still alive, thanks to [Angel]."
Hyperion. Gunn, Fred, and the bassinet are in the office while Wesley finishes a phone call to Ms. Frakes. He hangs up and says that they saved Jerry's life. And she's still engaged to Jerry, apparently, despite the fact that he tried to have an affair with a tree. She's very accepting. Fred and Gunn start to exit, but Wesley calls Gunn back. Wesley says, "When you knew this was more than just a tryst, you should have told me." Gunn says he didn't have time after Jerry vanished, but then he realizes that Wesley's talking about Fred. Because if Gunn's having more than a one-night stand with Fred, he's obliged to tell Wesley -- why? Gunn, bless him, says it's not really any of Wesley's business. Wesley wants to make sure that Fred won't get hurt. Which is also is none of Wesley's business, as Gunn indicates by asking, "What are you, her brother?" "Apparently," Wesley sniffs. Gunn actually lets himself feel bad for Wesley, which seems to be what Wesley wanted in the first place, because he immediately adds, "It's just important to me that she's taken care of." Johanna and I start talking about how Wesley is just a grown-up Dawson Leery with the "look after her" speeches and the need to let everyone know exactly how noble he's being, except that this probably isn't going to lead to a wonderful payoff like Wesley eating the baby and choking on its tiny bones and dying, which is the only way they could top Dawson's histrionic meltdown. Gunn assures Wesley that he'll take care of Fred, because she's just a girl and these men must confer to determine who will be responsible for taking care of her as if the obvious answer to "who will look out for Fred?" isn't "Fred!" Pardon me while I seethe. Gunn exits instead of punching Wesley in his pompous self-pitying weasely little face. Pity, that.
Out in the lobby, Cordy is tending to Groo's wounds. And making unnuendos. Groo tells Cordy that he has a confession to make. Angel tries to stop him, and Cordy starts to panic at the idea that maybe Groo tripped and fell on someone at the brothel. Angel says that Groo was very heroic, but Groo interrupts to say that was reckless and put everyone in danger. He adds, "Angel is the true champion. He saved us all." Cordy, of course, just loves Groo even more for being so honest and noble. She takes the potion from Angel and starts to drag Groo out the door, but Angel calls her back. Angel takes Cordy's hand and puts a giant mafia-sized roll of hundreds in it. Cordy is understandably confused, and asks what the money's for. Angel says, "I did something for you tonight. Now I want you to do something for me. Don't come in tomorrow." Ha! Wait, sorry, this is apparently supposed to be noble. I thought it was a "I never wanna see your face again, you whore!" severance package. Angel says he wants Cordy to go off with Groo for a few weeks, take a vacation, go through detox, whatever she wants. Because it's not as if she might have a vision and need to -- oh, never mind. Cordy accepts the money, and then asks if Angel wants any first aid, if you know what I mean. Angel insists that he's fine: "It didn't hurt a bit." See, that's one of those layered meaning things. I can tell. Johanna says, "Aw, Angel doesn't even want to be bandaged, so you know he's sad!" Wesley comes out of the office and he and Angel stare at each other for a minute. Then Angel turns to leave, because he'd rather feel miserable and alone than talk to Wesley, and who can blame him?
Upstairs, Cary is putting the baby to bed, which means Angel is about due for his daily five minutes of quality parenting time. Angel stares down at the brat while Cary asks, "You okay?" Angel says he is, and Cary leaves.
Back in the office, Wesley is working on the neverending prophecies. He writes "the son" on a notepad, and I kind of like his handwriting, but he's still an ass. Angel wanders in, carrying the baby, and Wesley says, "You startled me." Angel apologizes in between making googly eyes at the kid. Wesley grumpily hints, "I thought I was alone," which is an odd thing for him to think considering that Cary, Angel, and the baby live there. Angel cheerfully says, "So did I," and traumatizes the baby by giving it a kiss. Once again, layers of meaning. Because Angel also thought Wesley was alone. No, hang on, I've got it. Angel thought that he, Angel, was alone. And then he remembered that he can use a kid as a substitute for adult relationships, so everything's okay. Hooray! Angel exits. Wesley looks down at his notes and the camera moves in dramatically so we can see that the last thing he's written is "The father will kill the son." Great, now my hopes for the show are resting on Wesley's translating skills.
time, something cannot be stopped, and the Hyperion starts flaming in ways that have nothing to do with Cary.