Heartthrob

S03E01

Props to the Golden Griddle, and to way too many people to list, considering how long it's already taken me to do this recap.

So first there's an extended WB promo, which attempts to explain what the heck is going on and establish most of the characters. According to it, Angel fights the good fight -- against doors. I never realized how much of Angel's time is spent busting down doors. I'd also like to mention that I accidentally typed that as "Angel fights the goof fight," and it was so accurate that I almost left it that way. The promo then reminds us that, at some point during the show, we're going to see a new trailer for The Fellowship of the Ring. You know, Angel may have curses and monsters and sword fights and magic rings, but at least it's remained mercifully free of those damnable elves. So far.

Then our parents are advised to be discreet, and we get the previouslies, which go over most of the same points the promo did, using many of the same clips, but more quickly. And there are no elves at all. I just can't stress that enough. Finally there's an inaugural blipvert, and things get going. Oh yeah, and I'll just mention now that it's letterboxed. Just like some of those grown-up shows they have nowadays! And while I was skeptical, I have to say that the show looks a lot nicer. Not just because of that, but there's a feeling of space and the camera moves and you can see the sets and the whole thing looks a lot more impressive. So good going there, Mr. Greenwalt.

We pan through the deserted Hyperion, see Fred nervously poke her head around a corner, and then pull back as we hear Cordelia's voice in the distance. Cordy, Gunn, and Wesley are entering through the odd little courtyard place while Cordy natters on about demon-worshippers. They even get to walk through the courtyard, into the building, and gather in the lobby in one continuous shot. We're not talking Scorsese here, I realize, but for the WB, this is positively dazzling. I have a dreadful feeling that if I wait for any of the characters to say something important, this recap will only be two pages long. See, they're establishing that they fight demons, and that they lead hard lives, and that they don't have much in the way of a social life. Wesley takes the brunt of the exposition, which reminds me of that other time he took a deadly bullet, and that memory helps me stay awake as the characters go on and on about the premise of the show. Eventually they work their way to discussing Fred, and we learn that she hasn't really left her room at the hotel much in the past few months. Then Wesley has to explain all about Pylea, and how they found Fred, and that Cordy was a princess, and I have to keep looking at Wesley's hair to startle myself awake. I get the feeling that his hairstylist's experience consisted of one hour practicing on a Sport N' Shave Ken doll. The resemblance is uncanny.

I finally perk up as something we don't already know is mentioned: Angel's out of town, working off his latest dose of Buffy-induced angst. Unfortunately, this means that it's Gunn's turn to suffer for the back story, so he has to go on telling us that the love of Angel's life is dead. We finally learn that Angel went on a spiritual retreat to a monastery in Sri Lanka. They're in Southern California, and he had to go to another continent for his "spiritual retreat." Maybe Angel just couldn't bear to keep looking at Wesley's haircut. Gunn gripes, "He should have gotten hammered and gone to Vegas like I told him." Wesley insists that Angel needs to work through his loss in "peace and quiet."

Which, of course, signals a cut to Angel in the middle of a big ol' fight. At the monastery. In Sri Lanka. Why Sri Lanka? I'm still having trouble with that. Okay, so there's fighting and kicking and stick-fu and a heckuva lot of candles, and while the stunt work isn't exactly dazzling, it is lit sufficiently and there are enough wide shots that you can actually follow the action, and I'm in favor of those things. In the middle of the fight, there's a rather jarring establishing shot of the monastery, and someone who cares more than I do should compare it to the castle in Pylea, because it looked sorta familiar. Then there's more fighting, and it all ends in a blipvert which transports us outside the monastery doors. Angel exits and meets a few villagers who look a bit startled by the hubbub. According to the captions, one of them asks what happened. And, according to the closed captions, the question is asked in Tibetan. Whoops! Angel explains, in either Sri Lankan or Tibetan, or possibly both: "Demon monks. Shoulda gone to Vegas." Quipping in a foreign language is an improvement on quipping in English, but not quipping at all would be even better. Plus, you know, English is widely spoken in Sri Lanka. Maybe it was a Tibetan tourist who just happened to be there. Oh, notice the Vegas references? It's sweet that they tried to do another massive shout-out to MBTV like they did in the season two premiere, but sorry, guys -- we went to Toronto this time. Thanks for the thought, though. Now show me some extra-wide credits.

Did you ever notice the color-coding of the actors in the credits? Boreanaz's name is white, Carpenter's is green, Denisof's is yellow, Richards's is red, and new co-star Amy Acker's is purple. Guess what my least favorite color is? Poor Wesley just can't win with me.

By Strega

At the Hyperion, Cordy appears in the frilliest of frilly blouses, accessorized with a couple of rat traps. Big ones, like they're dealing with the Giant Rat of Sumatra. Hm, maybe that's why Angel went to Sri Lanka. Cordy asks who's going to set the traps, and Wesley and Gunn nominate each other. Seems they're both scared of rodents. Scooter the Chinchilla and I find that very interesting. Gunn says that he hates "their little beady eyes." Wesley comments on their "beady teeth." Gunn ups the ante by describing "their tails, all woosh-woosh." That sounds more like windshield wipers than rodent tails, but that's me. Cordy mocks their fear and heads for the basement, but upon opening the door she jumps back and screams. Because Angel's in there, smirking. Which would have been more startling if we hadn't been able to see his arm as she opened the door. Cordy gives Angel a big hug and drags him out for manly hugs from Wesley and Gunn. Gunn is still very tall, by the way. If you were worried that he might have started shrinking over the summer, you can rest easy now. Cordy asks about Angel's "retreat," and he says it was nice "until the monks turned out to be life-sucking Shur-hod demons." Cordy observes that, during his trip, Angel "worked on things" and so he certainly wouldn't have brought back any souvenirs or presents. Angel obligingly drags out the gifts. He's such a dad. First he hands Cordy a shrunken head, which she pretends to appreciate until Angel takes it back and tosses it to Gunn. Instead, Cordy gets a necklace, and as she fastens it around her neck she comments, "Look how it brings out my breasts!" Well, that was certainly odd. And inaccurate, since, in that shirt I'm not sure how anyone could see beyond all the layers of pleated material. Wesley gets a dagger, which seems to have playing cards attached to it somehow so that it makes an exciting swooshing noise when moved through the air with any speed. Wesley exclaims, "I can't wait to kill something with it!" Angel asks after Fred, and Cordy tries to insist that Fred has improved a lot. "Hasn't come out of her room yet, huh?" Angel asks. Cordy admits that they've sent up a lot of tacos. How are they "sending" these tacos upstairs? Is there a dumbwaiter? Angel says that he'll check on Fred, and then turns around to look at them for a moment before saying, "It's really good to see you guys." As he heads upstairs in his tan (!) travelling outfit, Wesley claims, "He seems better than when he left." Cordy looks dubious.

The sun sets, and we see a wall covered with all kinds of equations and formulae and graphs. The caption says, "[frantic scribbling]" but Fred doesn't look particularly frantic as she writes "Listen, listen, listen," on one of the few blank spots of wall. I bet that whole room smells like magic markers. And given how twitchy she was already, the fumes just can't be helping her. There's a knock on the door, and Fred nervously calls, "Hi! How are ya? I'm just fine, doing real good here! No need to worry about me, but thanks for checking!" Angel says, "It's me, Fred," and she pulls off her glasses and runs to open the door. There's a cute moment as she starts to move to hug Angel and then thinks better of it. Understandably, because he might accidentally crush her to a fine powder with one mighty hug. She's very tiny, you see. She starts to ask about his trip, then rushes back to clear away taco wrappers and rubble so that he can sit down. Angel says that he can't come in, and Fred gets even more flustered and embarrassed until he points out that she has to invite him. Which she does. Angel stares around at all the writing and apologizes for leaving suddenly. Fred dismisses it, saying that she doesn't need a baby-sitter, but then demands to know whether he'll be sticking around for a while. Angel says that he will, and then he looks around at all the writing again and we journey back into exposition-land for a while. Did he bring her a present from his travels? Because what the girl needs, clearly, is a Palm Pilot. Blah blah slave-girl, blah blah safe now, blah blah crazycakes. We know. Let's move on to where Angel encourages Fred to come downstairs and be social. He backs out into the hall, insisting, "There's nothing to be scared of. You're safe here in the hotel!" Which is when we hear Cordelia scream. So apparently, instead of the old "ominous statement in close-up + wacky context shift in long shot," this season the formula for comedy will be "innocent statement + ironic event off-screen." Write that one down, Fred. To be fair, Angel does a nice double-take as he tries to reassure Fred before rushing away.

Cordy is screaming in pain, collapsed in the lobby, as Angel and the others rush to her side from all directions. Well, three directions. All the available directions. Boreanaz forgets his character for a second as he says, "Easy, baby, what is it, what did you see?" "Baby"? You're no Bruce Campbell, buddy. We go into vision-scope as Cordelia describes seeing a bunch of vampires attacking kids at a dorm party. She sees a sign on the floor and identifies the location as "Wilson College...Bonner Hall...room 918!" Wesley and Gunn dash for the weapons cabinet as Cordelia adds, "They're gonna take hostages!" Are they really considered hostages? It's more like take-out; it's not like they're going to let the people go if they get something else. Cordy adds that the blonde vampire, who we see wearing a necklace of great significance, is the worst of the bunch. Angel asks whether Cordy will be okay, and then takes off with the others. Cordy cries and collapses back into a blonde blipvert. With all the time spent on back story, you'd think they'd have at least explained why Cordelia has visions, since that's a necessary plot element that might understandably bewilder new viewers.

By Strega

At the dorm, Angel, Gunn, and Wesley survey the remains of the vampire buffet. Gunn picks up a flier which we can assume was an invitation to the party and comments, "So much for inviting everyone." Wesley hops on the phone and calls for an ambulance while Angel peers out the window. Angel announces that "they're heading east on Sixth Street" and tells the others to take the car. Gunn asks what Angel's going to do, and Angel turns back in game face. "Oh," says Gunn, presumably remembering that Angel has super-vamp-speed that will enable him to be able to catch up a speeding car faster on foot. I must have forgotten that, too. All righty. Angel dives out the window and goes hopping across rooftops, and, sure, that might constitute a short cut, but I'm still skeptical about the timing of all this.

Especially when we cut to the convertible full o' vamps tooling down a street. Two people are in the car as well, and since there's a blond boy sitting in the front seat sitting to blonde vampire, I'm going to distinguish him from the vampire by calling him "Dawson." Dawson says, "Please don't hurt her," to the vampire. She turns to look at the shell-shocked girl in the back seat, who I'll call "Joey," and asks, "You love her? You'd do anything for her?" Dawson nods. She thinks about that, and asks, "What if we just kill her and let you go?" After a minute, Dawson sniffles, "Take her." I like it when the vampires are actually mean and sadistic and evil, so that little exchange was nice. The vampire comments, "You call that love? We get home, I'll show you what love is." Which is when Angel suddenly crashes onto the car. From...oh, I don't know. His Batplane. Angel clobbers the driver and steers the car into a wall as Gunn and Wesley pull up. Angel pulls Dawson and Joey out of the car and tells them to run. I really want to see the conversations they have later. But in the meantime, there's fighting. Also some jarringly bad editing, and again, it's still hard to follow what's happening without reviewing the scene a couple of times, but since I have to do that anyway, I don't mind so much. And there are streetlights, so we can actually see the action! Wesley and Gunn each stake a vamp, and Angel's about to do his part when the blonde attacks him. The other vampire takes the opportunity to run away, and Angel quickly grabs the blonde, pulls her around, and stakes her. She has time to stare at him for a moment and wonderingly say, "Angelus?" before going poof. Angel looks down at the necklace of great significance, which he luckily happened to pull off her in the struggle.

Then there's an ad reminding us yet again that later there will be an ad for a movie. Too meta for me. Plus, my brother can recite large portions of Bored of the Rings, and really, that's all I can think of when I see anything Tolkien-esque.

Cordelia wearily stumbles into the bathroom back at her apartment. Did she walk home while feeling like that? Sucky. The door shuts behind her and a light is turned on, but then she whimpers, "Too bright!" it is quickly switched off and a smaller lamp is lit. Hi, Phantom Dennis! He's pretty much the whole point of this scene, so enjoy him. Cordy takes some pills while Dennis fills the bathtub for her. In the interests of foreshadowing, I will report that Cordy mentions that "these visions are killing [her]." She strips and gets into the tub; Dennis hangs up her clothes and scrubs her back with a loofah. I wonder if he does her laundry, too. A phone rings, but Cordy just moans because the call isn't really for her. No, it's just there to segue us into the bells ringing in a flashback.

The bells turn out to be ringing on a fire, uh, cart? It races around a corner, where it looks as if someone has switched on a giant version of those fake burning logs people seem to believe instill instant Christmas cheer. It's 1767 in Marseilles; do you know where your kids are? If they're frolicking in the street in the company of Darla and Angel, you're probably well rid of them. But that's exactly what two vampires are doing, on a road a short distance from the fire they, of course, set. The new kids are James and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is the blonde vampire Angel just killed, back in the future. Still following this? James and Elizabeth are all giggly and hugging and cooing over each other, and for some reason that makes me dislike them more than the knowledge that they are evil bloodsucking demons who have committed countless murders. Darla snarks, "Young love," and Angel quotes the Master by saying, "Give it a century." That just encourages the undead PDAs, though, until finally Angel says "We've a ship to catch and Holtz may not be far behind." He's talking very quietly which, as we've established, makes the accent more bearable. If only he'd also decided to wear a hat to cover up that mop. Plus, muttering that you're in a hurry takes some of the urgency out of it. More chit-chat, which eventually leads us back to Holtz. You might wonder, who cares about Holtz? How about I let Darla field that question: "You would if you knew him. He's killed scores of us, hunted Angelus and me across half of Europe. God, if he follows us to Morocco, what then? The New World?" James wants to do battle with Holtz, and honestly I don't know why Angel and Darla don't just leave the little twit and his trollop and let them do whatever they want. James is extremely tiresome. You can see him pausing to ready himself before he tackles big words like "formidable," and he strikes me as a vampiric version of Wesley, only dumber. Elizabeth tells Darla, "I heard [Holtz] trapped you both in a barn and you fled, leaving [Angel] to die." Between this and her behavior with Dawson & Joey, I'm guessing breaking up couples is her hobby. I'm also guessing that she is even dumber than James, because where would she have heard about it if not from Angel and Darla themselves? It is nice of her to remind us that we first heard of Holtz back in "The Trial." Angel looks at Darla affectionately as he reminisces, "She hit me with a shovel, wished me luck, and rode off on our only horse." Darla adds, "When he finally caught up to me in Vienna, I had to pay for my sins, again and again," but she doesn't seem too unhappy about it. As a team, they're growing on me, I'll admit.

As Angel and Darla head down the street again, Elizabeth is lingering to gaze at a certain heart-shaped locket in a store window. James, naturally, smashes the window, grabs the locket, and puts it around Elizabeth's neck. More hugs and kisses, and, thank goodness, that's when the soldiers finally arrive. James tells Elizabeth to go with Darla to the ship while he and Angel engage in some fisticuffs. I thought vampires had a more equal opportunity take on letting the women fight, but apparently not. James shouts at the soldiers, who halt and look concerned. James shouts, "What are you afraid of?" As we hear horses galloping up, Angel answers, "Not us." He sounds terribly bored. Not angry, or excited about having a big fight, or even calculating. Just...bored. Angelus is supposed to be scary; he's supposed to be evil. The problem I have with these flashbacks is that they make him seem like a good-natured anti-hero. Feh. Anyway, the guards vanish as a group of men on horseback arrive and begin aiming their crossbows. Keith Szarabajka rides into the frame. What do you mean, "Who?" You know: Keith Szarabajka! Not quite a Hey! It's That Guy!, but I think you'd recognize him if you saw him. And I just discovered that he played the extremely creepy Terry Pugh in A Perfect World, so the man can act. Anyway, at the sight of the troop approaching, Angel tells James, "Hope she treasures that locket."

We finally return to the present, where it seems Angel has been regaling the team with wacky stories of his adventures as a soulless monster, the likes of which they all loathe. I'd like to see how that conversation started. "Let me tell y'all a little story...." Gunn wants to know how Angel escaped Holtz, but Cordelia is focused on the current problem: "James and Elisabeth had the big forever love. If he's still around and he finds out who killed her..." "He's going to want revenge," Wesley finishes. He and Gunn head out to talk to their sources, which leads Angel to say, "Wow. You're almost like real detectives." Gunn takes offense at that, though I don't understand why, and Angel apologizes for even murkier reasons. I mean, they aren't detectives. They're like detectives, or at least they're like television detectives. More Simon & Simon than Magnum, P.I., but anyway. Angel tells Cordy, "James really lived for that girl."

We woosh over to the crashed vampmobile, which is being towed away. It's daytime, so James and his henchvamp are lurking in a covered lot nearby. James sniffles as he stares across the bright patch of sunlight that is streaming in through a gated doorway, and did anyone not immediately realize that the dramatic lighting was there for...well, dramatic reasons? James wonders aloud how his old pal Angelus could kill Elizabeth. The henchvamp joins the exposition free-for-all by explaining, "He's not the same. Gypsies cursed him with a soul a hundred years ago or so. He's got a business here in L.A. -- he kills us for money!" He goes on to make excuses for his own escape, and James finally says, "I want to die," and then pushes the henchvamp into the sunlight. The henchvamp immediately bursts into flames and finally poofs, but that doesn't seem to cheer James up.

At the hotel, Angel is looking at pictures of James and Elizabeth inside the locket. Cordy is lurking in the background, which means they should start having an awkward conversation right about...now! Cordy starts with the old "it's really none of my business," routine, but she gets up to speed pretty quickly. In fashion news, Cordy's hair is swinging about in a nice straight bob, and she's wearing a cute little jacket and jeans, and not showing ridiculous amounts of skin, and it's so nice when I'm not embarrassed to look at her. After some evasion, she finally works up to saying, "I don't think you should blame yourself or feel guilty for her death." Angel says that he doesn't, since he didn't even know who Elizabeth was when he killed her. Cordy whines, "Not her." Angel sighs, "Oh, you want to talk about..." and closes the locket. Cordy insists, "She was the love of your life and she died." Something about the angle makes it look like Angel's smirking, and I half-expect him to say, "No, no, Darla was the love of my life. Buffy was just the rebound girlfriend. It's cool." That's my little fantasy, though. Cordy goes on saying that Angel couldn't save Buffy, and that he couldn't die with her, and the first anvil of the new season comes crashing down to make sure we all get that Angel loved Buffy just like James loved Elizabeth, and that just as James wants to die without Elizabeth, maybe Angel wants to die, and do you get it? If not, don't worry, because there'll be another anvil along any minute. Angel remains mute, and Cordy finally claims that she's not going to pry, because it isn't her style. Then she snaps, "Okay, it's totally my style, but I can tell that I'm not getting anywhere right now. But you have to tell me one thing -- you owe me this much! What the hell happened with Holtz?"

And back we flash, as Holtz marches up and asks, "Where is she?" Angel starts quipping which is, once again, not creating the menace that I want to feel coming from him. Holtz repeats his question, and Angel takes his turn in the wheel of exposition: he tells James that Holtz has been chasing him and Darla, possibly because they killed Holtz's family. Holtz implies that he can do worse than kill Angel. He's hurt Angel, and he wishes to go on...hurting Angel. Maybe he'll leave Angel marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet, buried alive...buried alive. "Hooooltz!" Whoops. Sorry. I'm back now. Angel tells Holtz, "A tasty lot, specially the little ones. Your wife -- she kept repeatin' on us. Of course, y'know, I repeated on her a few times m'self." Then he makes a weird sound that the closed captions describe as "arrgh." It's more like "uhhhhhh," but the important thing to know is that it's supremely dopey. And, once again, makes me snicker when I should be horrified at the things Angel is describing. Holtz, being less picky than I am, punches Angel and pulls at a stake out before threatening him with torture, whereupon Angel quickly confesses that Darla is with James's girlfriend. James gets vexed, and Angel explains, "He's in love; it's all very passionate and befuddlin'," and I really enjoyed that line. "Befuddlin'." Hee. I just listened to it a few extra times, and it still cracks me up. Angel goes on to say that the girls are down at the dock, which causes James to scream, "I'll kill you!" and attack him.

By Strega

Commercials. Prepare yourself, because at any moment a movie trailer might appear. This is completely ridiculous.

It's happy hour at Caritas; the sign says "Two drinks, one song, no waiting!" I'm not sure why that's funny, but it kinda is. Cary is on stage, crooning "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." Retirees and demons (or maybe retired demons) sit quietly while Gunn and Wesley lurk near the bar. Cary appears to have rebuilt following the big car crash without too many changes. I think the lights are different, but honestly, who cares? Gunn and Wesley talk about when their "contact" is going to show, and a demonic George Burns (or is that redundant?) tells them to keep it down. As the song ends, Merl finally shows up. Oh, joy. Merl. He confirms that Angel isn't around, whining, "He always beatin' me up or hangin' me upside down -- and he never pays up like he's supposed to." Wesley puts a pile o' money on the bar, which he has because before leaving for Sri Lanka, Angel finally told the MoG about his secret bank accounts. Merl whines that he had to work hard for his information, so "the price is gonna change." Wesley obligingly starts removing bills from the pile until Merl gives up. He tells them that James is still around, "and he knows what Angel did to his heartthrob." Ding ding, we have a title! Gunn immediately pulls out a cell phone and starts dialing. Oh, look, they have cell phones again.

We cut to the Hyperion, where Angel hangs up the phone after receiving the bulletin from Gunn. He shares the news with Cordelia as he heads for the weapons. Cordy immediately worries that James will be headed for the hotel. Angel tells her, "I want you to go home while it's still light out, and stay there." Then he gets bewildered because some of his weapons were moved to the basement in his absence. Cordy explains, "They were dust-catchers!" I wait for Angel to explain that the dust is from vampires disintegrating, but they don't go there for some reason. Cordy refuses to leave, and Angel says that he appreciates her courage, but that he doesn't want her to get hurt. Actually, he says he doesn't want to see her get hurt, so maybe he's just squeamish. As he heads for the basement, Cordy whines, "I go home, he'll come after me, 'cause I live alone and that's what they do -- they come after you when you're alone." She's forgetting about that invitation rule, I guess. Or maybe she's having flashbacks to Faith's visit. Angel argues with her a little more, but fails to declare, "Go. Or stay! But do it because it is what you wish to do." Cordy says "I just know I'd be a lot safer by your side," as Angel opens the door to the basement, which is where James is waiting. Okay, that's the third time this episode we've had the ironic statement scenario. I'm starting to miss the other joke. James immediately throws Angel into a wall while Cordy runs away. More bad editing, more punching, and then James tosses Angel out into the lobby. James asks, "Why'd you do it? 'Cause I had something you could never have?" Cordy helpfully lurks in a doorway to watch the pummeling, and Angel shouts at her to get back. Which draws James's attention to her. I guess he really is mad about her moving the weapons. More punching, and upstairs Fred wanders out to see what all the ruckus is. She calls, "Angel? I thought I heard company. I came out of my room!" Angel ceases from his attempt to strangle James (uh, Angel? He doesn't breathe.) and hops out into view just long enough to shout, "Go back to your room and stay there!" He resumes the battle, and Fred rolls her eyes a little and says, "Okay, then," before stomping off.

Back at Caritas, Merl tells Wesley and Gunn that James visited one Dr. Gregson earlier today. Gunn asks what kind of doctor Gregson is, and from behind the bar Cary answers, "A demon kind. Slod demon." Wesley asks for more information, and Cary says, "He's a collector."

The phone rings at Hyperion as, one assumes, Gunn tries to share this latest update. Wow. It's a rotary phone! I wait for Cordy to explain to the audience helpfully that once upon a time phones had actual dials, which is why we still say we "dial" phone numbers rather than "typing" them. I mean, they've explained nearly everything else that's happened in this episode. But instead, she's pulling out weapons while Angel and James shove each other around. Cordy, for inexplicable reasons, finally runs away from the weapons cabinet and picks up a fire extinguisher, which she hurls at James. It conks him on the head -- good arm! James falls down; Cordy returns to the cabinet and pulls a stake out of a drawer. You can see her tattoo when she bends over. I'm just saying. Oh, and if you pause to look at the stakes, you can see that they have odd decorative filigrees on the handle, because they were carved from old bits of furniture. That is a really nice detail. Yay, props department. Plus, I enjoy the image of all the characters passing the time on a slow night by smashing up furniture, and then trading stories as they whittle stakes by the fireplace. Not that the Hyperion has a fireplace. Oh, but Cordy's apartment does, so it still works. Huh? Oh, the show. Right. Cordy tosses the stake across the room to Angel, but James suddenly pops up and catches it. "Oops," says Cordy. James tumbles Angel to the floor and, while Angel struggles to push the stake away, grumbles, "You never loved anyone or anything. Go to hell." I wait for Angel to make some kind of "been there, done that" comment, but I guess they don't have time for that kind of exposition at this point. Instead, Cordy tries to pull James away, but he slams her across the lobby. That gives Angel an opportunity, though, and he flips James and stakes him. Angel hurries over to pick up Cordy, and they look over at the decidedly not-dusted James as he pulls the stake out and rushes toward Angel. Hm, there he is, and not so wounded as we were led to believe.

Oh my gosh, they're premiering some kind of theatrical trailer right now! Did you guys know about this? There's a lot of evil soldiers. And horsies! Okay, apparently there's this ring some dude needs "to cover all the lands of darkness." Cover them with what? More darkness? That seems excessive. Fate has chosen somebody. Isn't that just like fate? Oh, lord, there are the damn elves, whining about something. The Riders aren't as spooky as the ones in the animated version. On the other hand, the animated version had songs. So that's two ways in which it was scarier. Frodo hops into a boat while a Rider skids to halt on the dock. A fellowship will protect someone. What the heck is the Ghost of Christmas Present from A Muppet Christmas Carol doing in this? Evil will hunt various people. An elf can feel something drawing near. Is it the end of my patience? Ooo, creepy Rider climbing rocks. Rock-climbing Rider! I want a Rider action figure, with rock-climbing grip! Idiots are hiding and knocking skeletons down wells. Aiyee, a Ballhog! Now the idiots are shouting on a snowy cliff, and causing an avalanche. Hooray for natural selection. CGI snaky things. Dramatic music which somehow manages to avoid being Carmina Burana while still sounding exactly like it. Angsty Hobbits. Much swordplay. Liv Tyler-fu. "This Christmas, the legend comes to life." Gandalf imitating the bridge-keeper from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Okay, it looked pretty, but I still hate Tolkien. And there's no Gollum. He's the only character I liked. Shut up. Aw, there's Cal Ripken Jr. Wait, that's a different commercial. Sorry.

James and Angel are still fighting. This time it ends pretty quickly when Angel kicks James out into the sunny courtyard and declares, "I'm laughing at the superior intellect!" Or was it me who said that? Cordy points outside and asks, "Shouldn't he be on fire?" Angel replies, "Let's get out of here," and they run for the basement. We see James stand up in the sunlight before cutting away.

As Cordy climbs down into the giant sewers, her coat gets caught. Angel tells her to leave it. I only mention this because Johanna and I both thought it was an odd piece of business that never seems to go anywhere. If it's just added for verisimilitude, that's fine, but I can't help wondering whether her coat really got caught on something and the dialogue was added in to spare them from redoing the scene. Which is also fine, actually. I'm just curious. They go running down the sewer tunnels, which have never looked creepier, and yes, I will get over the way everything looks eventually, but let me enjoy it for now. There's not much else going on, after all. James hops down and races after them. Angel shoves Cordy down one tunnel while he slices his hand on a wall and flicks blood in a different direction. Then he follows Cordy and directs her through a door off one of the tunnels. A door? Maybe they aren't sewers. James appears, sniffs the blood, and hurries off in the wrong direction. Because he'll chase Angel 'round the moons of Nibia, and round the Antares Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before he gives Angel up!

Angel and Cordy catch their breath in the odd little space they're hiding in. Cordy grumps, "Don't stakes through the heart and sunshine kill you guys?" Angel hisses, "He seems to have become --" "Invincible?" Cordy asks. Angel tells her not to exaggerate. Cordy cleverly brings up the Ring of Amarra from oh so very long ago, and asks whether James is wearing a ring. When Angel says, "No," she asks, "Did the Amarra people make cufflinks or belt buckles?" Angel tells her that there was only the ring, one ring to find them, one ring to rule them all and -- damn. Stupid trailer. Cordy complains, "And you had to smash it!" Angel replies, "Why don't we recriminate later, okay?" "Recriminate" is a rather advanced word choice for someone in a life-or-death situation, don't you think? They manage to stay quiet for, like, a second, and then there's a creepy rumbling noise and everything shakes. Cordy panics and clings to Angel, thinking it's an earthquake. Angel, looking irritated, assures her that it's just the subway, and pushes her away, which I think ought to mollify those who are concerned about a romance in Angel's and Cordy's future. Then Cordy's cell phone rings, which causes her to yelp in surprise, which scares Angel. Heh. This seems like a good time to mention that watching this show now that Buffy is finally syndicated has caused Johanna and me to realize that Boreanaz deserves some kind of "most improved" award. Terrifying but true.

Wesley confirms that he's talking to Cordelia, which seems like an odd thing to do when he's just called her on her cell phone, but maybe they knew I was going to digress in the paragraph. Cordy is having trouble hearing Wesley, what with her being down in the giant inexplicable tunnels. ["She can get a signal on her phone when she's under the subway? Sometimes I can't get a signal inside my house." -- Wing Chun] Wesley says, "There's something you have to know about James." Cut to Cordy desperately trying to sell one of those one-sided conversations where the person on-screen has to repeat everything the person off-screen is saying. She says, "Oh, he's invincible, is he?" for Angel's benefit, so that's okay. But then she has to continue, "Slog Demon, what's that? Some kind of doctor demon that collects rare organs...Cut out his heart?" She goes on to tell Angel that James cannot be killed, and then the connection goes dead as she asks, "How long...? Six what?" Let them eat static. She gives up and tells Angel that James's invincibility is only temporary, and then he'll die. Unfortunately, all she heard was the number six: "I dunno, minutes, hours, weeks..." Angel says that all they have to do is outwait James. And naturally, that's when James smashes through the back wall. Angel and Cordy go dashing down another tunnel.

And then they journey to a location! At least, I think it is. If not, they fooled me, so I need the Angelenos to check in. A subway train arrives at a station as Angel and Cordy hurry through the crowd to hop onto the train, as James follows close behind. The doors slam shut and the train pulls away as Cordy sticks out her tongue at James. Heh. James watches the train zoom away, and then, as it passes by, hops up and grabs onto the last car. In the train, Angel looks distracted as Cordy asks whether they should double back or ride to the end of the line. He finally tells her, "Shh," and as she gripes, "He couldn't possibly --" James smashes through a window. Angel shoves Cordy back towards the extras, and James wonders, "Is it possible you care about someone who isn't you?" He continues, "If you're not the same man who screwed Darla and couldn't care less what happened to her..." Angel blinks, "Where did you hear --? Oh. You mean back in the day. Right." Heh again. Cordy insists that Angel cares about people now, which leads James to wonder whether Angel will feel something if he kills Cordy. Cordy backpedals, "Well, it's not like he's losing sleep with the caring." James says, "Lucky me, now I can kill the woman you love." Angel disagrees, saying, "The woman I love is dead." Off of James's confusion, Cordy explains, "It happened three months ago. We try not to say her name too much." How'd they work more exposition into a climactic confrontation? James tells Angel that it wasn't really love: "You wouldn't be standing here playing games with me. You wouldn't be able to, because when she died, or when some bastard killed her, it would have killed everything in you." After braining us with anvils, James rips out a subway seat and swings it at Angel, but like a poor marksman, he keeps missing the target! Oh, but then he hits Angel, who falls back near the feet of an extra on crutches. Angel calls, "Catch him!" and then yoinks the crutches away as Cordy supports the injured passenger. Angel uses the crutches to knock James's legs out from under him, and then it's hard to describe, but he uses them to snag James's arms and snap them. It goes really quickly to diminish the ick factor. Angel shoves James up against a wall and asks, "This your idea of love, James? It's not real unless it kills you?" James pantingly replies, "What's yours? It's fun as long as it doesn't cost me anything? You don't know what love is. " Do I need to bother with a PSA about how James's idea of love is juvenile and lame and wrong? Good. Angel lets James fall to the floor to pontificate some more. "I lived. You just existed. From hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee." And then James poofs into a cloud of dust. Well, there're some commuters who'll have a good story to tell.

It's not really a blipvert, but we flash over to the Hyperion. Cordy asks Angel how Fred is. He says, "We talked over what happened and I think she'll be coming out of her room any decade now." Cordy chuckles, because Fred's paralyzing fear of the world is entertaining. To make up for her spiffy hairdo earlier, Cordy has had to submit to some kind of That Girl frizzy split-end-looking thing and an ugly lime-colored top. Cordy asks Angel how he is, and interjects, "I know you, and ever since you came back from your grief trip, I can tell, something's not right." She finally says the "B" word and bizarrely insists, "Buffy's dead. And I don't mean to diminish that; I miss her, too." She does? Why? She goes on to say that James "opened up a lot of wounds for you, but you'll be okay." Because he's immune to anvils. If only the rest of us were. Angel quietly says that his problem is that he's okay. Short version: he feels guilty because he's still alive while Buffy is dead, and he feels more guilty because he's dealing with it. Cordy tells him that battling evil is his first, best destiny, and that anything else is a waste of a material. Although she phrases it thus: "You're a living, breathing -- well, living, anyway -- good guy who's still fighting, and trying to help people, and that's not betraying her; that's honoring her." Oh, can't he just help people because he wants to, not because he's honoring Martyred Buffy? Blah. Maybe he doesn't want to hear that right now, but I do. And you know, how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life. Cordy finally asks whether they can get back to work. Angel wonders, "There's work?" Which cues Wesley and Gunn to march out and ask what Angel knows about Nester demons. Angel says, "They like to live in the walls of peoples' homes. They hatch several times a year. Don't you have to kill the Queen or something?" As weapons are handed out, Cordy explains, "We killed a bunch of 'em in Hancock Park a couple of months ago." Wesley thinks they might have missed the Queen. And so, weapons in hand, the gang walks into the camera.

Well, that was fairly...oops, the show's not over. Hm. We're in Puerto Cabazas, Nicaragua. Which almost rhymes. In a traditionally seedy bar, a man enters and sits down at the bar, saying, "Sorry it took so long. He's a very difficult Shaman to find." He hands a piece of paper over to Darla, who slides the paper into her cleavage. Ah, Darla. Always so classy. She looks a bit grumpy as the guy pours her a drink. She tries to decline, but he asks, "How much can one little drink hurt?" Darla replies, "It depends on who's doing the drinking." I wonder whether that's foreshadowing. Okay, I don't wonder at all. The guy says that he thought Darla might have some surprises in her, and she doesn't, because I'm not at all surprised when she vamps out and chomps on his throat. She finishes by sucking on a lime as a boozer in the background displays no reaction whatsoever. Heh. And then she swivels around so that we can view her pregnant belly in all its glory. She walks out of the bar past someone who's either dead or dead drunk.

By Strega

week, Cordelia's visions are getting worse. Didn't we know that six months ago? Also, Angel tries to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.