With everyone settled into their makeovers (aside from Molly, of course), it's time for the girls to hunker down for their most potentially disfiguring challenge yet! The girls were excited to learn that they'd be walking in a show for designer Geoffrey Mac, and less excited when they discovered that the runway would be surrounded by flames. To make matters more dangerous, they were obliged to set their own hands on fire. Sadly, they wore flame-retardant gloves. It was a scene designed to play out like a 1980's Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial, but none of the models wound up even the slightest bit singed. Dalya took top honors in the challenge and won two Geoffrey Mac dresses of her choosing. Alexandria and Brittani also did well. Kasia, Hannah and Sara weren't so lucky and were forced to walk all the way home as a result. They put on their heels at some point in the journey so they could get in some stomping practice.
Meanwhile, Alexandria continued to alienate and annoy everyone else with her stank ways, and Sara had a crisis of confidence about being told so often that she had a crisis of confidence. The girls got a tangible Tyra Mail in the form of a script, and learned that they'd be shooting a Mad Men-inspired commercial for Fierce Roast Coffee in which they'd be expected to deliver some campy lines in Joan Holloway form. Sara gets in a moral tizzy about this, because she thought she had auditioned for the popular reality show America's Top Feminist. And I mean, I'm a feminist and would like nothing more than to be put in fabulous 1960s fashions and made to sell coffee. What's not to like? But Sara feels like she's being put in the role of an objectified, servile woman and that her feminist principles are being compromised. Also, she just wanted a weave, gosh darn it.
The girls team up in pairs for their commercials, which are directed by the wee and wonderful Francesco Carrozzini. So dreamy! Alexandria and Brittani are paired, and Alexandria proceeds to boss everyone around, from Brittani to Francesco to Jay to the lighting guys. This does not go over well. Brittani is stiff in delivering her lines and gets a little freaked out at her own poor performance. Kasia and Jaclyn do it right and get major kudos from panel. Dalya and Molly are in the middle of the pack. We see at panel that Molly has been given a new, terrible weave. How lucky for her. Hannah does a really good job and her partner Monique is largely inoffensive. Mikaela is a bit dull, and poor Sara looks beautiful but her lack of interest shows through and affects her performance.
At panel, Kasia's performance is named the best of the week, followed by Hannah. Sara winds up in the bottom two along with Alexandria, whose bossy ways on set and in life are totally annoying Tyra. Alexandria promises that it won't happen again, and lives to see (and cause drama for) another week. Sara heads home with a pretty good attitude and an expanded notion of what it means to have feminist principles.
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Last time: Sara was incredibly sad and disappointed that she didn't get a long weave, even once she got an eyeful of Molly, who looked like deranged Twist N' Twirl Barbie and was not happy about it. Alexandria continued to be stank, and Dominque didn't have any thoughts in her head. Despite being among good company, she was sent home. Ten bitches remain!
The girls return to their house to find Alexandria's best-of-week photo displayed as digital art. And I can't remember if I've mentioned it already, but I finally figured out who Alexandria reminds me of: Guiding Light's own Kim Zimmer! Yes, Alexandria looks like an older and stanker Reva Shayne. Watch for her to seduce every member of the Lewis clan and then win an Emmy with her abundant tears. Alexandria tells us that it was amazing to be called first, and that her face probably was filled with shock. Especially, as we are reminded, when Tyra called her out for being a complete nit on set. Tyra told Alexandria that her bad attitude will not be tolerated. She says that she wants to redeem herself if anyone took her attitude wrongly. Aha! So it's just a matter of incorrect interpretation. Alexandria is still wearing her stupid "Borderline" video hat with the big bow on it in her interview segments, which makes her rationalizations look even more ridiculous.
Meanwhile, the other girls talk shit about Alexandria. Kasia says that even if she had a great picture she shouldn't have gotten the best photo of the week because of her attitude issues. Brittani agrees that top models don't act the way that Alexandria does. Your honor, I submit as evidence a bloody cell phone featuring Naomi Campbell's fingerprints. Kasia was hoping Alexandria would go home. She notes that Alexandria was unprofessional on set and didn't deserve top honors, and that everyone would love if Alexandria goes home .
Sara tells us that being in the bottom two was depressing, and even more depressing is the fact that her self-doubt and lack of confidence put her there. She says that she's kind of a "creeper," a feminist, and from a poor background. Urban Dictionary tells me that a creeper is, "A person who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. Usually a close friend or relative. You know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. It is not hard to spot the creeper." While I'm sure Rush Limbaugh would find being a creeper preferable to being a feminist, I don't think it's a very nice way to characterize yourself. Does Sara use "poor feminist creeper" for her Twitter bio? It's all very strange. Sara continues that she doesn't look like all of the other girls, and feels like she's less of a woman compared to them. But baby dykes are often among the best of all women! No need to distress when your feminist principles bristle up against long-held gender norms. You rock that sports bra and bandana in the patriarch's face. Sara knows she has to show that she believes in herself as a model, and has the confidence and self esteem to be in the competition. She also has to stop staring through Tyra's bedroom window for hours on end, hoping to catch her reading The Feminine Mystique.
Monique asks Sara whether her priority is college or modeling. Sara says that she has to hit the ground running when she goes back to school. I believe Hannah screams, "Samesies!" I am learning so many new words in this episode. Alexandria pipes in to say that she doesn't know what the other bitches will be doing when this show ends, but she's going to be working some fucking runways. And really, there's no shame in wanting to make a career transition into baggage handling. Alexandria plans to work at the IMG airport. Oh, wait. I think she thinks she's going to be a model. HAHAHAHA. Everyone looks at her like she's whack. They're like, "Have you SEEN the show?" Alexandria intends to go to New York either way. Sara pipes in to say that they all can't leave their families and head off to New York and live as big-city impoverished feminist creepers. They'll have to start small if this doesn't work out, and it was a big hope and a prayer to begin with. Alexandria looks at Sara like she's insane. Sara is pissed that Alexandria is questioning her purpose and passion for modeling. She points out that when her looks are gone, she needs a way to provide for the people she loves. Alexandria looks completely flummoxed from the idea that a person would think about someone else. She tells us that she's not going back to Orange County. This is about becoming a supermodel, and she'll be heading to NYC either way.
Tyra Mail! "If you don't watch your step, your career will go up in flames. Love, Tyra." Jaclyn conjectures that they'll get to go to a fire station, walk up steps, and carry hoses. Sara pokes at Jaclyn's cheeks and asks if she wants to see the fireman. Jaclyn says, "Oh yeah," because underneath that baby face she's a total freak.
The girls head to some sort of warehouse where Miss J. greets them. There's a runway set up, and he notes that it's clear why they've been taken to this abandoned setting. Tonight, they'll be walking in a runway show for Geoffrey Mac, a designer who has worked with Lady Gaga. Dalya tells us that she has the strongest runway walk, and has got this one down. Miss J. puns that he wants to see the girls light up with a burning desire to come out on top, to help them ignite that flame. As he says the word "flame," the sides of the runway get totally fiery. Who better to talk about flaming, really? Monique wonders what the point of this is. The answer is: to kill you for our amusement! Molly interviews that she didn't know how this would work without them dying. Exactly! For our amusement! When a model actually does get disfigured we'll all probably think it's horrible, but for the time being I appreciate this show more and more with each delightful challenge.
Brittani loves fire and so is ecstatic about the challenge. She lights her hands and says she feels like the Queen of Fire, or a Pointer Sister. Brittani walks down the runway, and Alexandria notes that she's strong competition. Mikaela is , followed by Jaclyn. Both of them look okay, if not exceptional. Molly was a "slight pyromaniac" when she was a kid, and so isn't really worried about the fire situation. After she's walked she says the whole thing was bad-ass. Sara is , and of course has problems lighting her hands on fire. She says that usually that's a good thing. Not in this case, though. Kasia interviews that she loves Sara, but her runway walk was a hot mess. Speaking of Kasia, she's , and sort of wiggles down the runway in a very short dress while squinting at us. Miss J. says that she has a habit of wanting to be extra sexy, and it's always focused in her mouth. Was hers the cat anus pucker that Nigel was talking about?
Monique and Hannah walk, and then it's Dalya's turn. She says that she was pumped up when she hit the runway and there was no stopping her. Miss J. tells us that Dalya looked very elegant and focused. The girls take a final collective pass at the runway, with not a one being even slightly disfigured. This show never lives up to its promise.
Miss J. meets with everyone to give them feedback. Sara had trouble getting lit, and when she did it was sloppy. That statement perfectly captures my early 20's. Sara's walk was a little bit better than expected, I'm guessing because J. has very low expectations for her. Hannah needs more presence, and seems lost. Kasia has got to get out of the habit of using a mean, sexy pucker. So they're on the bad end. The three girls who are neck and neck at the top are Alexandria, Brittani, and Dalya. Happily, the winner is Dalya. She gets the two dresses from Geoffrey Mac, and doesn't even have to share anything with anyone. Woohoo! J. tells Hannah, Sara and Kasia that they need more practice with their walks, and so will get to walk home. They're like, "HAHAHA," until they realize that he's serious.
We never learn the actual distance from the venue to their house, so it's hard to say just how much of a punishment this is. However, Hannah tells us that they have to walk through a ghetto area and she wishes they had gotten brass knuckles and pepper spray to aid them on their journey. They are not happy. They start off wearing regular shoes, and then Kasia says she intends to put her heels back on to get some legit practice in. She's a professional, she tells us, and is harder on herself than anyone else can be. So if they tell her she needs to walk home, she'll do it in a stiletto. The three girls strut, and finally make it back to the house.
After the weary travelers return, there is more Tyra Mail. "Tomorrow it's okay for you to cause a scene. Love, Tyra." There are some cheers and some pouts. Brittani says that she thinks they're going to have to act tomorrow, and she's not okay with it. She adds a very upper-crust, "Pooey," for effect. The doorbell rings and some tangible Tyra Mail is delivered. There is a note saying, "Make sure you know all these lines by tomorrow!" Apparently the commercial is for Fierce Roast Coffee. Monique reads some stage directions: "A man sits behind his desk holding up a jar of coffee, staring at it. He looks panicked. Janice and Gloria, two secretaries, sit in the office looking bored." And here you never thought that they'd utter the name "Janice" on this show again! It makes me miss La Dickinson, who would for sure rip out Alexandria's esophagus and then use it to stir her gin and tonic. The executive is apparently looking for a way to make coffee sexy, and then his two "hot bitches," as Monique calls them, go right to it. They ask, "Mmm, doesn't the Fierce Roast smell delicious?" Monique and Hannah coo, and Monique confirms that there are a lot of sexual innuendos. If only they had taken on the challenge of making umeboshi sexy.
Meanwhile, Sara and Molly clown with the dialogue and Molly tongues her carton of orange juice. That sure makes me want coffee! Sara figures she's probably going to get the role of Mr. Drysdale since she can't be a sexy woman. She tells us that she was uncomfortable reading the script. Being a feminist, she says, she's been trying to move away from being a stereotypical quiet, subservient, docile woman for her whole life. To put herself back in that situation and work to fill that role is worrisome to her. This is exactly why people think that feminists have no sense of irony! Also, newsflash, you are a contestant on America's Top Model.
The girls head to Smashbox Studios where Jay Manuel awaits them. He tells them that he wants them to be flirty, fun and seductive in their commercial shoot for Fierce Roast Coffee, and adds that they're going to like the styling. It turns out that the shoot is Mad Men-inspired, and the feel is retro but also very current in fashion today. Their director for the commercial is the wee and adorable Francesco Carrozzini, which causes quite a number of squeals. Molly tells us that she has a little crush on Francesco, who is an awesome photographer and director in addition to being totally hot. He seriously must get so much poon. Jay tells the girls that their performance in front of a motion camera is very important, and that top models should be able to deliver lines in a commercial in addition to standing around and looking pretty. The girls will be paired up as the two secretaries, which is a cause for happiness for Alexandria, and a cause for misery for anybody who might be paired with Alexandria.
The girls head back to hair and makeup, and makeup artist Melissa Rogers tells Hannah that she's going to be like Doris Day, a sort of milk and cookies blonde. Hannah explains that back in the day, women were suppressed in the office and had to use their sexuality to get ideas across. Somewhere, Peggy Olson is formulating an awkward yet ultimately brilliant counter-argument. Alexandria tells us that she's paired up with Brittani, which is a perfect combination. We'll see what Brittani thinks about that. Sara is having another crisis of confidence, saying that the other girls all look cool while she just looks short. Mikaela is her partner, and Sara is worried that the two of them will suck since they were both in the bottom at the last panel. Sara points out that she has socks stuffed in her bra, and then another bra over the sock-bra. Sock bras and feminism are like tuna and peanut butter. Mikaela tells us that she has already done a photo shoot with Sara, and doesn't think that she's picked up her confidence enough. Jaclyn has no self-consciousness around her beefed-up body parts, and prances around to show off her fake booty as wardrobe stylist Franck Chevalier adjusts it. She's never had a booty before, and delights in shaking it. Kasia feels slightly superior because all of her shakable parts are real. I'm with you, girl.
Jay talks to the girls and explains that, as secretaries in the early '60s, they can't just spout off good ideas to their boss. He doesn't want to hear that his female employee has outsmarted him. So the ladies have to feed him the idea while simply making him believe that they are nymphos. We repeat the quote about Sara wanting to get away from being a stereotypical subservient, docile woman, and she says that she's embarrassed for her femcore friends back home to see this. And she's not embarrassed for them to see her walking a 12-inch runway in a hamster ball? Feminist peer pressure has gotten very targeted since my days as a Vassar women's studies minor.
Alexandria and Brittani are first on set. Brittani is not thrilled about being paired with Alexandria, and even repeats the word "pooey." Alexandria can be cool one day, she says, and then the thing you know she's a drama bitch from hell. The styling for this shoot really is fantastic, which must ease Brittani's worries just a bit. The filming starts, and Mr. Drysdale says, "I'm stuck! How the heck do you make coffee sexy?" The girls then have to say lines such as, "Doesn't Fierce Roast Coffee smell delicious?" and, "Doesn't the bold taste last four times longer than any other coffee on the market?" Alexandria circles the coffee jar lid with her finger and bites her lips as she asks, "Any ideas?" Okay, now I get Sara's point. Francesco asks Brittani to use her lips in a more natural way, and she confesses that she doesn't like coffee. Her line delivery is bad, too. Brittani tells us that she knew this would be her weak point, because acting is not her thing. Jay pulls her aside and tells her she looks like she can't believe she's doing this. A mascara tear flows down Brittani's cheek. Jay tells her that her job is to sell shit, and make the director, client, and audience believe that she likes whatever she's shilling. Brittani is very upset and has to have her wet face sponged off.
Alexandria tells us that today was a bonding experience for her and Brittani, and that Brittani realizes that Alexandria is there to help. She comes over to blow Brittani's face dry, which Jay thinks is sweet. He points out Alexandria's motherly ways, but then tells us that Alexandria was busy doing Francesco's job, his job, and even the jobs of the gaffers. We get a montage of her bossing people around or questioning whether they should redo things in a way that she finds appropriate, while Francesco's jaw drops. Alexandria tells Francesco that she's just trying to help out, and he replies that if she does that on a real commercial they'll kick her the fuck out. She half-heartedly apologizes, but I'm sure she continues to be a total dick. She just can't help herself.
Kasia tells us that the two female characters in the commercial are vixens, and also the brains behind the operation. She thinks it's cool and empowering, since back in the day women didn't have a say in anything. She's paired with Jaclyn, and both of them look great. Jaclyn's baby voice is hilarious, while Kasia vamps it up. She even gets a compliment from Monique, who says that she looked awesome and did really well. Francesco says he has no real notes for Kasia, so we are to infer that the shoot was a success.
Molly and Dalya are teamed up, and Molly looks so much like Betty Draper. Their performance seems dull to me, but Francesco calls it excellent and says that they took direction very well. Monique and Hannah are up , and though Monique forgets that they are selling Fierce and not French roast, we move away from them quickly and so they probably did fine. Then there's Sara and Mikaela. Mikaela looks great, but her right hand is visibly shaking. Francesco yells at her, which I wouldn't imagine would help with nerves or over-caffeination. He doesn't give her any other criticism that we see, though. Sara looks gorgeous, but delivers her line to Mikaela and not Mr. Drysdale. Francesco reminds her that she's supposed to be seducing the dude. But really, given Mr. Drysdale or Mikaela, who would you direct your seduction efforts toward?
Francesco then yells at Sara not to put her thumb in her coffee cup. His interim verdict is a sharp, "Not good." Jay says that it's about as sexy as watching paint dry. Alexandria laughs at Sara, and tells us that she should be practicing sexy in the mirror a lot more. Francesco says that Sara appeared not to believe in the whole thing from the beginning. I don't think she's actually doing that bad, but I'd believe that her views on the dumbness of this whole endeavor are apparent. At one point she flicks her tongue snake-style in an effort to be sexy, which doesn't go over so successfully. Sara interviews that she's finding it really hard to fake any kind of sexual energy or emotion. She never had to do that in her life, and to try to ramp it up for a commercial is really difficult. It's certainly not the type of thing they'd make you do on America's Top Feminist, which airs nowhere, at never o'clock.
The girls return home to find Tyra Mail of doom. Tomorrow, one of them will be going home. Brittani tells us that she and Alexandria didn't have a good day together, and that she didn't meet her own performance expectations. She's disappointed, and feels like crap. Alexandria reenacts her performance for a very bored-looking Brittani and Dalya. Brittani tells us that Alexandria is pushy and bossy. She hopes panel sees that, since she doesn't understand how Alexandria can keep getting such good feedback and moving forward in the competition when her attitude is so bad. Oh, rookie. Alexandria's bad attitude is exactly why she's being kept around! She's good for drama, and it will make her eventual elimination that much more satisfying. Sara tells us that she's a horrible actress, and is very nervous about panel. She doesn't want to be in the bottom two, and is sick of being told how little confidence she has. As she plans her eventual retort to Tyra, which she totally doesn't have enough confidence to actually use, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time. Tyra gives Francesco a big hug backstage and notes that it's hot, and not just because Francesco is so fine. Tyra is dressed like a very sadistic office manager, and tells the girls that they've had fair warning. There are prizes, there are judges. Francesco Carrozzini is the guest judge for the week.
Monique and Hannah are evaluated first. Nigel tells them that they both did a pretty good job. He was totally sold by Hannah's body language and the look in her eyes. He doesn't mention if he is currently seduced by the Blossom hat she is wearing. Monique did a good job as well, though Nigel thought she was a little reserved. Francesco says that Hannah found the key to her character, which was playing up the naiveté. He thought it worked well. Tyra would have liked to have seen the two push it a little more and add a little more cheek to secure their places as stars of the commercial.
Jaclyn and Kasia are . Nigel cracks up at Jaclyn's bouffant and baby voice. Tyra tells them that they knocked it out of the park, and that it's one of her favorite Top Model moments. ALT agrees and says it was really superb. Nigel was totally taken in by Kasia, and Tyra says that they effectively milked every moment. Jaclyn explains that she was trying to shake her fake booty, and Tyra asks for a display. Jaclyn does, and even drops it like it's hot to pick up an imaginary pencil. Sexual harassment at the Top Model panel! I guess I'm pretty used to it by now.
Alexandria and Brittani are , skanking it up. Nigel tells them that they are supposed to be partners in crime, but that relationship clearly wasn't there in the shoot. Brittani's facial expressions were brilliant, but she's not just a head, and her performance was lacking. ALT says that Alexandria held it together, but Brittani did not support her. Tyra says that she assumed that Brittani would have done a good job, but her performance was actually weak and drab. Tyra thought that Alexandria was too sexy, and that she was a second away from licking her finger and making orgasm noises. Francesco totally busts Alexandria from being so insufferable on set, and for directing Brittani. Alexandria says that she wasn't trying to direct, she was just trying to keep the chemistry there. Francesco tells her that if she were with a big commercial director, that person wouldn't hire her again. ALT adds that she could also be asked to leave. Tyra says nothing for the moment, but you can tell that she is pleased to hear this news only because it will give her an excuse to rip Alexandria a new one later.
Sara and Mikaela are . Sara really looks fabulous but sounds awkward, while Mikaela comes off like a very well-styled robot. ALT says that Sara lost the plot, and that he felt nothing. Nigel tells Mikaela that she'd look genius if it were a photo shoot, but she fell flat in the commercial. Francesco says that Sara wasn't into the commercial and wasn't "there." It was hard to direct her.
Last up are Dalya and Molly, who has a fresh, insane weave. Tyra seems to like it well enough, though, and says that with a cut and some lowlights it will be ready. Nigel tells Dalya that her locomotion in the commercial didn't work -- in other words, she didn't move well from the couch to the coffee table. Francesco says that at moments it felt like things were working for Molly, but in other moments she felt kind of lost. Tyra tells Molly that she needs to milk her close-ups. Molly says nothing but still looks kind of pissed about her hair situation.
The judges deliberate. Monique gave a look and wasn't the best, but ALT thinks she pulled through. Nigel says that Monique looks amazing and has really improved in person. Francesco isn't particularly a fan, and thinks that a lot of her moves felt contrived. Hannah epitomized the look of the era, and also had the body language. She was flirting and very present. Francesco says that Hannah had one of the two bet performances. Kasia, he says, was the best, and took direction very well. ALT is also a Kasia fan, and says that she hit it out of the ballpark. Tyra agrees that Kasia milked every second but never went too over the top. ALT says that Jaclyn gave some liberal from Massachusetts realness, and then Tyra and Nigel mock her voice before talking about how awesome she is. Alexandria was weak, boring and blah, according to ALT. Nigel says that no matter how wonderful Alexandria's small moments are, her arrogance on set and lack of apology in front of panel is really whack. Francesco says that she has a dangerous attitude. Whether you're a model or an actor, there's a place for you and you can't cross that line.
Brittani's performance was weak, but ALT still thinks she has such potential and didn't go down with the ship. Tyra thinks that Brittani was uncomfortable and wanted to disappear in the commercial. ALT calls Sara "poor Sara." Nigel thinks that Sara felt miscast, but points out that she has the face and the eyes for the commercial to work. Mikaela has great potential, according to Francesco, but she has no awareness of her body. Tyra wants to shake Mikaela until some modeling talent comes out. Dalya had quiet moments and is not an overactor, according to Nigel. She could have hammed it up a bit. ALT thinks that less is more, and that there's great intensity in Dalya's silence. Tyra thinks that Dalya has a modern face, like a mask that you'd hang on the wall. Wow, that's quite a compliment. ALT thinks that Molly pulled it off, and gave a sense of the era and setting. Francesco thinks that Molly was great when she didn't do anything. He says that she has presence, but wonders if she has anything else. With that, the judges have reached a decision.
Ten beautiful ladies stand in front of Tyra, but she only has nine photos in her hands. Those photos are commercial screen-grabs. The first photo goes to Kasia, who is praised for having the best commercial, and comes on down to get claim her prize in a weird Price Is Right crossover moment. Hannah is the runner up. Jaclyn is , followed by Dalya, Monique, Molly, Mikaela and Brittani. This leaves Sara and Alexandria in the bottom two. Sara has a lovely, interesting face, and is the kind of girl that Tyra loves and started Top Model because of - an original. But her performance showed a lack of commitment and lack of confidence, which the judges see as a consistent theme. Note that Sara does not deliver her speech about being sick of hearing this exact thing. Alexandria did a decent or indecent job on her commercial, which was sexy bordering on sleazy. The reason that she's in the bottom two, however, is because of her pattern of stankness. Last week the stylist complained, and this week the director said the same thing. So who stays in the competition? Duh. Confidence wins, and Alexandria is in. Tyra says that this is the last time she's going to give Alexandria a talk about her bad attitude, and Alexandria says that it will never happen again. Until week! Seriously, it's like a form of Tourette's. She just can't help it.
Tyra is mad at Sara. She points out how gorgeous Sara is, and says that she's one of her favorites. Tyra tells her that when she believes in her unique beauty, she'll have a shot at a modeling career. Sara tells us that she had problems with the premise of the whole commercial, and that it was honestly her own issue. If you're a model, she says, you're supposed to get into whatever they need you to do. She says she doesn't need her mom there to shake a finger, because she's shaking her own finger at herself. Sara says that she couldn't muster the sexual energy or coy attitude that was necessary, she wasn't doing her job properly and that's her own fault. It really is too bad, because Sara was cool, funny, and a self-proclaimed feminist, and I don't think we got to see her best. Keep on rockin', girl, but for the love of God please don't grow back the rattail.
week: the girls work on a video for Cover Girl's website, and Alexandria continues to be insufferable.
Potes is an impoverished feminist creeper who tweets @traciepotes and emails at potesypotes@gmail.com. She is very glad not to have a yellow weave.