Well take a picture of me and hang it in your salon. This shit is going legit. Gone are the days of Ann Shoket and her ghetto Seventeen cover shoot. This year, the girls are competing for a feature in Italian Vogue and a contract with IMG, along with the traditional Cover Girl contract. Thank you, Mr. Talley! Additionally, luminaries such as Diane Von Furstenberg, Roberto Cavalli, and Patrick Demarchelier will make cameos. We have to endure the story of Tyra's discovery (which is really just a convenient excuse for her to wear a schoolgirl uniform) before we get to the real action: bitches.
The semi-finalists head to Palm Springs for their panel interviews. There's one repeat contender -- Kacey, who failed to make Cycle 11. I remember her not at all. But apparently she raps. Other early standouts include 6'2" Addams extended family member Ann, who looks like she's taken a turn in the taffy puller; sweet mop-headed poverty-stricken near-albino Kayla; Miss Teen Minnesota and inspiration for the Hall and Oates song "Rich Girl" Vanessa, hippy dippy plant-inspired stoner Rhianna, 30G-boobed orthodox Jew Esther, semen-hater Kendal, and Tweedledum and Tweedledee doppelganger sisters Terra and Chris. The girls have been placed in broad categories such as "sexy," "brunette," and "quirky," and are told that they're competing with others like them. They are charged to stand out amongst the crowd in fashions by Miss Cynthia Rowley, who also makes a cameo.
Of course there is some drama. Lexie, with the help of some shit-stirring from Kacey, places herself in the midst of drama surrounding Jordan, the pretentious pop culture hater who may or may not want to really be there. And someone read West Virginia resident Emily's diary, in which she stated that she almost got a black roommate -- "Ew." Emily states that it's a big misunderstanding, even though the words "Black girl -- ew" are pretty unequivocal. No one addresses the fact that it's pretty crunk to read someone else's diary.
We lose Vanessa and Emily in the first cut, and they take it with a disappointing lack of histrionics. The rest of the girls get to attend a garden party photo shoot with Cynthia Rowley, who by the looks of it has gone mad. The models must pose in duos with their most direct competition. Cynthia pretends to be impressed. Tyra and the Jays talk it out and decide on the fourteen finalists: Annamaria, Kendal, Rhianna, Chris, Jane, Chelsey, Liz, Sara, Lexie, Esther, Kacey, Kayla, Ann and Terra. Let the competition begin!
The bitches are back! Yes, everyone, it's Cycle 15. Can you believe we've wasted this much collective time? Tyra begins the episode by voice-over asking when a model becomes a real top model. The answer is: when she lands on a high-fashion magazine cover. You may be wondering what this has to do with America's Top Model, pimper of the Seventeen Magazine advertorial. Tyra then goes on to say that Italian Vogue -- otherwise known as Vogue Italia -- is the best of the best and has launched careers from Claudia Schiffer to Christy Turlington to Linda Evangelista. Basically, Vogue Italia made the "Freedom 90" video possible. "Guess what?" Tyra asks. You, like me, may be tempted to reply "chicken butt." But Tyra has steeled herself against such flippancy and answers her own question thusly: "In Cycle 15 of Top Model, one lucky girl will get the opportunity of a lifetime. Because she's gonna skip straight to the top and have her career launched in Italian Vogue." And I have to say that with that announcement, Tyra wiped the smirze (smirking with your eyes) right off of my face. Color me Burberry Plaid -- after fifteen seasons this shit decided to go legit. Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave, Ann Shoket!
But wait! Don't you fear that just because this season has committed itself to finding a high fashion superstar that it will lose all of the reprehensible hallmarks that made you love/hate it in the first place. To wit, Tyra yet again regales us with the story and pictorial evidence of her transition from lanky teenager to lusted after/reviled supermodel to self-righteous fat-ass. And she does so, in Catholic schoolgirl uniform, from the steps of her former high school. It was there she was discovered on the first day of ninth grade. Tyra was sitting on a bench -- and at this we cut to a photo of Tyra sitting on a wall eating a sandwich while not in a schoolgirl uniform of any kind -- when someone asked her if she was a model. We reenact this scene with Tyra in her uniform reading a book that has "Algebra II MATH" scrawled on its paper-bag cover. If that person had not interrupted Tyra at this moment, she might have gone on to be a nuclear physicist. Tyra tells us that she was the awkward girl, used to being stared at and made fun of. This just goes to show that you can blossom from ugly duckling to gorgeous supermodel swan, and people will still make fun of you. One to grow on, people. Tyra had lots of rejection from every agency in town. Until she didn't, and then she'd go on go-sees after school. On the bus. Excuse me now as I have a small fantasy about 13 year-old Tyra encountering Rosie O'Donnell's Beth Simon. Eventually, of course, Tyra became a super-famous supermodel. What took her four years to achieve -- yes, that's right four years from nobody to famous zillionaire, how could anyone endure such suffering? -- she's going to make happen for one young girl in just 12 weeks.
In addition to the Italian Vogue spreads and cover of Beauty in Vogue, the winner will get the standard Cover Girl contract and a contract with IMG, which is also pretty impressive. I hope Andre Leon Talley got a giant raise and the credit he is due for making this happen. Everything is going to be elevated this season, Tyra tells us, and an impressive list of guest judges and guest photographers bears this out -- Diane von Furstenberg, Zac Posen, Roberto Cavalli, Patrick Demarchelier, and Matthew Ralston. Tyra asks if we can handle Top Model elevated. If I double my wine intake, possibly. 2010 is the year that this show will finally make me an alcoholic! Happy times. Hang on, pinot noir! I'll come rescue you from your bottle during the ensuing commercial break!
The scene: LAX. Girls get their hot pink luggage and sass to the camera. The first two that we meet are sisters Chris and Terra White, from Arlington, Texas. At least one of them can't keep her bra within the confines of her tank top. Whichever that one is says that her sister is older, but she's the cuter one. Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber. I think I've made that joke at least seven times in my ANTM recapping history. Sorry, but it keeps happening. we meet Anamaria, 18 from Queens, who is too young to have such a bad dye job. Kayla, a mop-topped 19 year-old albino from Rockford, IL, says that she saw names on the seats of the bus that was taking them to their destination, and knew to be afeared. Vanessa, 18 from Lakeville, MN, enters the bus and snits, "Welcome to the competition." This girl has bitchy bone structure, if such a thing is possible. Vanessa tells us that she was the 2009 Miss Minnesota Teen USA. She's really confident, and says she can already tell that some of the girls are uncomfortable, and doesn't blame them. We can only hope that the judges will torture her as her resume indicates they should. Emily, 21 from Ona, West Virginia, tells us that her town is a good ole' country town. As such, being in L.A. for the auditions is a culture shock -- she doesn't usually encounter "this many diversities and cultures." I'm sure things are going to go extremely well for her from here on out.
Once everyone's on the bus, the driver announces that their final destination is Palm Springs. Kendal, 23 from Northport Alabama, who I think might be a bit of a Krista Junior, interviews that she was elated until she realized that she doesn't know what Palm Springs is. There is one bad rapper on the bus -- it's Kacey, 20 from Palmdale, California. Kacey auditioned for Cycle 11, and tells us that she didn't make a very good impression. We flash back to her crying when she didn't make the show, and while I vaguely remember her glasses, nothing else rings a bell. Now, however, she's more comfortable with herself and more mature. Her strategy this time around will be to be very aggressive. She's really grown into herself as a stank bitch, I guess. Hooray for self-improvement.
One person who does not seem to love Kacey's rap is Ann, 19 from Dallas, who says that she was the shy, quiet girl in high school. Ann is kind of like a cross between Lurch and Gillian Welch. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Ann says that so many people have shunned her for being nerdy, and she constantly gets comments about her height and weight. We see a full-length shot of Ann in shorts and a tank top, and indeed she is extremely tall and bony and sort of ill-looking. I can't yet tell if she's going to be a swan-like triumph of transformation or just depress me all season.
Speaking of people who depress me, we meet Jordan, 18, from Chicago. She looks like Courtney Love during that phase when she, like, let some homeless guy suck on her boob at Wendy's. If Courtney Love had had her old nose at that time. On the bus Jordan says to someone, "Going to a bar is like, I want to get drunk in front of these people so they think I modeled." What does that even mean? Jordan goes on to interview, "Consumerism, materialism is the opposite of everything that I represent. It's just petty bullshit, and that's not what I'm about." Oh, to be 18 and know everything. In all fairness, though, it does look like she got that acid-washed denim jacket out of a trash heap, and dyed her hair in spilled toxic waste. So maybe her actions do correspond with her principles. Jordan continues to the other girls that she doesn't need to go out and impress anyone. Apparently, she's trying so hard FOR HERSELF. Got it? Jordan's seatmate, Lexie (18, from Geneva, Illinois) says that she finds Jordan to be really disingenuous, and her whole persona is really contrived. Points for the keen observations as well as the big words! Lexie does not think that Jordan will do well. I hope that we've learned something from the whole Ren debacle, and that Lexie is right.
The girls land at the Parker Hotel in Palm Springs, and the competition is ready to really begin. They crowd into a hallway, and the Jays emerge onto a balcony. There is much merriment. Miss J. says that a lot of celebrities and fashionistas come to the Parker Palm Springs to get away from the craziness and hectic pace of L.A. However, these girls aren't here for a vacation. It's on. Jay Manuel tells the girls that their seatmates on the bus were not actually random. In the industry, girls are categorized with labels like blonde, brunette, pale-skinned, dark-skinned and alternative. On the bus, the girls were seated with their direct same-category competition. The friendly times, such as they were, are officially over.
The girls head to their rooms, and Kendal is pretty impressed at their digs. She thinks this is all some sort of a hunger-induced fantasy. Sister Chris puts the hotel bathrobe over her clothes and twirls around. I totally do that, and also steal the slippers. It's one of the main incentives to stay at a nice hotel. Terra says that it's important for her to separate herself from her sister, in large part because Chris is kind of an asshole. Meanwhile, roommates Lexie and Kacey waste no time in starting to trash-talk the other girls. Lexie says she hopes that they'll be able to weed out the fake girls but quick. Kacey interviews that Lexie told her that Jordan doesn't want to be in the competition. Kacey does not appreciate that, given that it's her second audition and she really wants it. Like Chekhov's gun and Emily's racism, this point of contention will go off in an upcoming act.
The girls hang out on the patio and Tyra comes out to greet them. She looks fabulous. So fabulous, in fact, that I think she's maybe had a little work done. Her face is very, very smooth, and her eyebrows seem to have risen a quarter-inch since last season. But maybe it's just the pilates. Tyra tells the girls that Cycle 15 is unlike any other in the show's history. They're actually looking for a model this time! Consider yourselves warned. Tyra created Top Model because she wanted to bring modeling to the masses, but now she thinks that we're ready for high fashion. No cookie-cutter prettiness! It's editorial from here on in. Tyra wants to inspire all the funny-looking girls in the world, per usual, as well as all the bitches and drama queens and fame whores. It's a noble mission, to be sure. Ann thinks that the high-fashion aspect of this competition will work to her advantage, as she's been told she looks high-fashion. High-fashion zombie, perhaps, but high-fashion nonetheless. Tyra reveals this year's supersized line-up of prizes, and the Italian Vogue spread and Beauty in Vogue spread and cover get quite a reaction. Vanessa frames her face and says we've got our cover right there. Or maybe a new addition to Ann's taxidermied head collection.
The girls then shuffle off to meet the Jays for an initial runway walk. Part of this will be to teach the girls how to stand out from their direct competition. Clothing from Cynthia Rowley has been flown in, and the girls change into it. Chelsey, 22 from Boise, says that she's had some experience on the runway -- in Idaho? -- and has loved Cynthia Rowley since she started modeling. Chelsey has a bit of an Anna Paquin thing going on, but with the distinct disadvantage of looking kind of haggard. The rock n' roll lifestyle of a potato model takes its toll.
The "quirky" girls walk first. These include Lexie, Jordan and Ann. Jordan says she's doing her best to stand out. This entails standing in the center, walking two steps ahead of everyone, and cocking her hips from side to side at the end of the runway. Miss J. says he needs a stripper pole and chair for her, then mocks her walk. Jordan is not amused. There are several girls who walk in the "sexy" category, and two who have strong bone structure. One of these is Jane, 19 from Baltimore. She wants to bust out her notebook and learn everything. She's a total newbie to modeling, but wants the Vogue cover. Jay tells Jane and Kayla, the other strong bone structure contender, that they look mean. we have the three nondescript blondes. Chelsey thinks that she's got it going on, and that her freckles and the gap in her teeth make her different. Miss J. does seem to like her. There are four brunettes, including Vanessa. She tells us that she came from a very affluent family, and was dubbed the "rich bitch" in high school. She goes on to say that she was in the "attractive girl" group, and that she's used to getting what she wants. I think Vanessa thinks she's auditioning for Hellcats. Jay tells the girls that he's excited, because there's some strong potential in the group.
The girls head to some random holding room, where Kacey has a question for the group. She asks, "How would y'all feel if there was somebody here that doesn't want to be here already." Lexie is kind of shitting her pants as Kacey points to her to reveal the details. Lexie says that Jordan said she and her friends think it's funny that she's there, since they don't want to buy-in to pop culture. Jordan enters the room, and Kacey confronts her about the "misunderstanding" that she doesn't want to be there, which is bound to piss every girl off. Jordan doesn't seem to say much, and Lexie realizes that Kacey is shit-stirring at her expense. Vanessa tells Lexie that she should be thinking about how she can become a better model instead of focusing on why other girls are there. That gets a round of applause, and I can't really say it's undeserved. Lexie feels like she's been used as a pawn of Kacey's, and doesn't trust her for a second. Probably better to come to this realization earlier rather than later. With this, we head to a commercial break.
When we return, it's time for each girl to talk to Tyra and the Jays. Tyra reminds the Jays that the girl who wins the competition this season will be a name in the fashion industry, and so they have to make sure they're behind her 100%. It's not just the public that has to like her, Tyra says. It's the fashion industry. And their reputations and names, such as they are, are on her. One person you might not want to stake your name and reputation on is Kayla, who can't even find her way in the room. She finally makes it in, and Tyra barely gets through her basic info before noting that her hair is whack. Kayla gave herself the Lord of the Rings elfin dye job before Tyra even got a chance, then styled herself after the fashion of an Ogilvy Home Perm model. Tyra sends Kayla off to wet her hair and comb it, then come back in. Jay thanks her, and then Kayla struggles to find her way out of the room. Hint: try the door.
When we return, racist Emily of the unlocked diary goes before panel. Tyra wastes no time in bringing up the recent controversy. Emily admits that she wrote, "Almost got roomed with a black girl -- ew." She explains that she didn't mean it in that way, and that she was referring to a specific girl who had made her mad, and whose name she didn't know. At least she didn't say "negro." Emily says it wasn't written right, and starts crying as she adds that it's embarrassing and hurts to know that people think she'd be a big fat racist. She interviews that she doesn't think that what happened should have any bearing on her status in the competition. Miss J. says that Emily is absolutely gorgeous, and Tyra thinks /hopes that she learned a lesson.
up is Liz, 21 from Arlington, Texas, who embodies all of my adolescent Martika fantasies. Tyra and the Jays love her strong, masculine bone structure, but her over the top hair and '80s prom dress and accessories aren't helping matters. They tell her to go out of the room and come back in her swimsuit. In the interim, we get Jane, 18, from Baltimore. She came to the show through Tyra.com, and is a student at Princeton. Jane wanted to start horseback riding, and so her parents built her a barn with some horses. Apparently she also wanted to look like a low-rent version of a Charlie's Angel, and so her parents bought her a strapless blue romper. Miss J. throws out a high-pitched, "She is just so privileeeeeeged?" Jane gets the impression that she gives off the impression of being a rich Ivy Leaguer. She doesn't think that coming from a well-to-do background is a bad thing. Given her cheeks and teeth, we can presume that Jane is the daughter of some very high-end chipmunks.
Liz comes back cleaned up and wearing her bathing suit. We learn that she has a one-year-old baby, works two minimum-wage jobs, and is a full time college student. She gets food stamps and a whole variety of government assistance because she is, as she says, "Making $7.50 an hour and living in the hood right now." I love this girl, despite the fact that she seems to have a tan-line Playboy bunny symbol on her stomach. Optimistically, I guess it could be a stretch mark. Tyra says that what Liz is doing is noble, and that sometimes you need a little help. Jay notes that Liz seems balanced and very together. This probably means that she'll be out by the third episode. Liz interviews that some of the other girls are like, "Oh my life! Blah blah blah!" and while she doesn't think she lived the worst of the worst and isn't on the street, she's definitely been through some hell. But she's trying to get to heaven and so wants to let it go. Tyra thinks that Liz is really pretty but also hard, which is a good combination.
And then it's time for the requisite idiot. Sara, 21 from Menifee, California, wrote a rap. I'd translate it, but that would mean having to rewind it a few times, and there is but so much sacrifice I can make for this job. Suffice to say she ends it by screaming, "I'm white but I can rap!" Jay says, "So did Vanilla Ice." Don't forget Marky Mark! Sara also has a son, who she proudly notes is a quarter black and has tan skin with blonde hair. Miss J. presumes that she got her rapping ability by sleeping with a half-black dude. If he had been all black, the rap might have been listenable. Tyra can't even imagine what kind of crazy-ass mom Sara must be.
And then yet another girl can't find her way into the room. It's Kendal, who was also found on Tyra.com. Tyra notes that Kendal is "pure," and asks why being intimate with a man grosses her out. Kendal simply says, "Like, I don't like semen." Sound of record scratching. Kendal elaborates: "I don't like semen on my hand. I don't like..I'm like...kinda grossed out about it." So Kendal totally gave some guy a hand job in a car or something and had no wipes about. I mean, it is a particularly viscous fluid. Miss J. theorizes that Kendal is a germophobe. I don't actually think that's it, but nice try. Kendal says, "I just like to cuddle. Something wrong with cuddling?" She has a point. Cuddling is really awesome. It is a lot more awesome than semen, unless you're taking the future of human existence into account. Kendal has never been out of Alabama or away from her family, so this is a new experience for her. But she knows she's top model material. Tyra and the Jays agree, saying that she's stunning. Tyra even thinks she's one of the most beautiful girls they've seen in a while. If only she was mute.
Anamaria, 18 from Queens, is , and happens to be obsessed with IMG. Lucky for her. Cycle 15 is exactly what she wanted, which means that this girl is actually interested in being a model rather than a famewhore. Novel! And then there's Ann. ...Her? She appears to frighten Miss J. witless when she first enters the room. Her waist is so small that Miss J. can fit his hands around it. It's insane. That ensemble with the velvet choker/Victorian silhouette charm combination isn't doing her any favors, either. Ann says that she's 6'2. The height is hereditary -- her mom is 6'3", her dad is 6'6", and her brother is 6'7". They all apparently have crazy metabolisms and can have fifths at the Old Country Buffet without gaining any weight. Ann has tried to break into modeling, but been rejected by a number of agencies. Some of them apparently have height caps at 6'0". Being shunned for her height has made Ann wonder if she really can be a model. There is something about Ann that Tyra really likes, and it's that she's kind of a freak. You'd be freaky too if your body was burning calories at that rate.
Speaking of Ann, some of the other girls are speaking about her. Lexie, who should know by now to just shut it, says that she's a tall girl but Ann is heads above her. Hearing people talk about her has been really hard for Ann, because it hurts. The stares get her most. Oh, the poor thing. Lexie interviews that Ann is a lot weaker than she appears. Her looks might get her through, but Lexie thinks she's going to crack. We cut to Ann, looking like she's cracking at that very moment. I can't tell if Lexie is a mean girl shit talker or just very astute. Commercials.
When we return, it's time for the sister act. Which prompts me to say that I just caught Sister Act on Showtime, and enjoyed it immensely. I'm also having a huge Indigo Girls renaissance, and all told these factors may indicate that I'm reverting to my junior year in high school. If only I could go to the Peach Pit and mull over what all this means. In any case, Chris and Terra are wearing me out already. The panel cracks up at how extraordinarily weird they are. Jay asks if they rehearse their shtick, and they deny it. I think it's actually a 24-hour subconscious rehearsal kind of deal. Jay asks if there's a competitiveness between them, and Terra pipes in to answer, bratting, "The older one goes first." Jay points out that the older one is also two inches shorter, which prompts Chris to let out a smug, "Ha. Ha. Honey." Chris provides her own soundtrack for posing, which goes, "Tick tick tick tick flash." Terra unfortunately has the poop smelling face when she poses. She interviews that she worries about not being quirky enough, or having a unique look. Chris, meanwhile, is starting to see that her personality is stronger than Terra's, and that she sometimes overpowers her. By this, I think she means that she is the louder jerk. After the sisters leave, Tyra says that one sister is a model and one isn't. Jay agrees, but he thinks that Terra is a model while Tyra thinks it's Chris. I guess this means we'll have to put up with both of them for a while.
And then there's Jordan. She actually looks quasi-decent, though still extremely rodentine. Tyra is digging Jordan's style, and Jay asks her what her style inspiration is. Jordan says it's her environment, and art. She's an artist and in a band. Of course she is. Tyra asks Jordan what she thinks of the other girls in the competition. Jordan says that most of them are "tolerable." She expounds that she's not a fan of ignorant people, or dumb people, or fake people. Well, she's in the wrong rodeo. Jordan interviews that so many girls are troubled because American culture is telling them to fit into a certain mold. She just wants to break the mold. She's for sure broken a mirror or two, so that's a start. I'm all for originality and being yourself, but this girl has stepped right into a really cliché mold-breaking mold. One with mold in it, in fact. Maybe her band is called "Jordan and the Moldy Mold." Tyra, however, thinks that Jordan engages and plays with authority in a way that is quite attractive. You can tell that Miss J. just thinks she's hideous.
Out by the pool, Jordan brags to the others about how she told the judges that she's against consumerism and materialism. She says that she'll never pay $60 for a haircut, because that's stupid. This is why her hair looks the way it does, and is about to break off at the roots. Don't you judge my haircut budget, Fantastic Samantha. Lexie interviews that Jordan is putting on a front -- she's trying to be so different, but yet people like her all look the same. Which is just what I said above! Whatever, I'm Team Lexie.
Speaking of Lexie, she's to go before panel. Tyra instantly says "Uma Thurman," and Lexie says she gets it all the time. Jay thinks there's a little Meryl Streep thrown in. I would also argue Hilary Duff, and by extension Donna Pescow. Lexie had a less than ideal childhood. She tries not to dwell on it, but her mom had her when she was sixteen and wasn't really prepared to have a kid. They fought a lot, and Lexie says it was worse than typical bickering. So she left when she was fourteen. I would not have guessed that at all. She's shown some sort of typical eighteen-year-old immaturity in this episode, and certainly doesn't give off the whole scarred-by-life's-tragedies vibe of the other girls with miserable backstories. Lexie says that leaving at fourteen was rough, but she thinks it's going to help with her modeling. She doesn't need someone there telling her what to do -- she can do everything on her own.
And then there's Vanessa. Tyra can tell that Vanessa has done some pageants by the way she walked in. And because it's on a sheet in front of her. Vanessa explains that she got a little postcard in the mail to compete in a pageant, and so entered it and ended up winning. Miss J. is curious what the other girls in the competition think about her. Vanessa says she's heard that other girls talk bad about her because she's one of the prettiest there. Miss J. cackles, throws up his hands and exclaims, "No shit." I'm surprised they don't take this opportunity to offer Vanessa a real beat-down, as they love to do to such girls. Miss J. says that it's obvious looking at Vanessa that she's very pretty and sexy, and Tyra adds that she has a Megan Fox vibe about her. She's also just a terrible person, which really does a lot to recommend contestants on this show.
With panel interviews over, the girls head outside to endure the first round of cuts. Ann is very nervous. By contrast, Vanessa is not at all nervous, because she knows she's amazing. Vanessa is exactly the kind of girl who has tortured Ann her whole life. Miss J. announces that Cynthia Rowley will be hosting a garden party right behind them. The bad news is that a few girls won't be invited. The ones who are invited, though, will get to hobnob with Cynthia and have a mini photo shoot that will provide the final piece of data in their overall evaluation. Terra tells us that she and Chris have discussed the need to be proud of each other, no matter what happens. Turns out they don't need to worry yet, because they're both invited to the party. So are most of the girls we've come to know so far. One exception is horrible Vanessa -- she's been excused. She takes it all in egomaniacal stride, noting that pageant girls normally have more refined features, and that's not high fashion. She gets her best pageant voice on when she tells us, "I promise you, you will see me on the big screen sooner or later." She does seem like she'd make a pretty good sorority girl massacre victim in a horror movie. Also not making the first cut is Emily. She's very disappointed, but says that she'll be okay and will definitely keep trying to model. And maybe she'll buy a lock for her diary and be less racist too.
The lucky twenty who have made it through to the phase get to meet Cynthia Rowley, who appears to be in a high-fashion straightjacket. She looks insane. Cynthia tells the girls that there has been a strong emphasis thus far on "type," which is in fact really important in the industry. When designers are casting a show, they have a type in mind and cast the show around it. Which actually means that you'd get booked with other girls who are your type, rather than competing against them. Though I guess there's no use in this show starting to have internal consistency at this point. Jay tells the girls that they have been paired up with their most direct competition, and he wants to see who can outshine whom in a photo.
Sara and Esther pose first while the other girls hobnob. Sara looks unbelievable right now, and not at all like the goofy mentally-challenged white rapper she is. This one should be advised to keep her mouth shut. Esther is unimpressive. Anamaria and Chelsey are , and Jay tells them that Chelsey is taking over almost every shot. Then there's Kayla and Jane. Their collective strong bone structure barely fits in the frame. They both need some work. Archrivals Jordan and Lexie pose together, and Jordan says she was trying to get in her face and be really sexual, but Lexie was standoffish. I cannot say I blame Lexie. Jordan surmises that Lexie just couldn't handle it. I would guess that she prides herself on being cootie-free. Back off, hipster. Ann and Rhianna pose , and it is languid and dull. Jay tells them that sometimes models pretend to be shocked to give a little energy to a photo. The resulting pose is hilarious. Rhianna still looks stoned, and Ann appears to want to tear into a puppy dog carcass with her fangs. Cynthia Rowley cracks up. Terra and Chris are , and act surprisingly normal. Kendal and Kacey impress Jay, and then the shoot is over. Cynthia commends everyone on a great job, but the hard facts are that more cuts are to come. Chris and Terra have discussed their situation, and apparently Terra thinks that Chris is going to be the one to get it. Terra says that if she fails, she can't be mad at her sister. Maybe these two would actually be interesting if they gave each other more beatdowns. Commercials.
When we return, Tyra and the Jays sit by the fire and get ready to make their final decisions. Tyra reminds everyone that they're looking for a girl who is worthy of Vogue Italia. Jay loves the elegance and grace of Anamaria on the runway, but notes that she kept falling into the background in her photo with Chelsey. Chelsey, meanwhile, constantly maneuvered to sell the garment and herself. Esther has giant bazooms, but the fact that she could fit into a sample size and hide her bust gives Jay hope that she can work. Sara is the kind of girl who could, like Giselle, transcend the high fashion runway. Seriously, she's amazing looking. Jay likes what Kacey brought to the table over the past few days, but there's a reason she wears her glasses all the time -- bitch has Nordstrom bags under her eyes. She looks really haggard. Kendal is a girl who needs development, and Tyra feels like they could develop her. Of the sisters, Chris has more round features, while Terra is angular. Terra has a strong runway walk, while Chris is stronger at posing. If you could smash them together, you might have a decent model.
Jane is quite beautiful. Kayla is a sweetheart and Tyra wants to hug her. She was a mess when she came in, and could use some polishing. However, she's killing Jane in their shot together and isn't even trying. Ann is a 6'2" wonder, and Tyra thinks there's potential there. Jay agrees, but says that she's a little lost. Tyra thinks they can find her and rescue her. Sometimes this show is like a reverse The Blind Side for gawky Caucasians. Rhianna is amazing and may win this show. Jay nicknames her "Willow." Lexie tried to sell the garment by jumping in her photo. It didn't work, but with some training she might get it. Miss J. simply says of Jordan: "She. Looks. Crazy." The discussion should really end there, but Jay says that a crazy model is bookable for the runway. Tyra enjoys Jordan's look, because she's intrigued by dirty people with big ears, but questions whether or not she wants it. With that, the judges have made their decisions.
The girls line up before Tyra in their finest tacky clothes. Tyra tells them that she wants them to go past the type and ride that hype. She probably worked really hard on that bon mot. Fourteen girls will go on to be in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. And the first finalist is Anamaria! Joining her are: Kendal, Rhianna, Chris, Jane, Chelsey, Liz, Sara, Lexie, Esther, Kacey, Kayla, Ann, and Terra. The winners are pleased. The losers -- and especially Jordan -- are a mess. De'yana is one of the rejects as well, and there are four pretty-looking girls who we never met. Tyra hugs Jordan and says she's surprised by her tears. She didn't think Jordan really wanted this, and that this was just something fun, interesting, and cool for her to do. Or, by Jordan's own standards, something not fun, interesting, or cool to do. Anyway, Jordan is seriously crying. She says that a lot of the girls who made it through deserve it, but a lot of them are fake. I don't see how that's a particular disadvantage in a modeling competition.
Meanwhile, who cares about the losers? We have fourteen finalists competing for an Italian Vogue spread! The Tweedle sisters are beside themselves. Ann is, I think, clutching rosary beads and squeaks her disbelief in dog whistle tones. Tyra tells everyone that the competition starts now. Or, really, week. Huzzah!
Coming up: The show's commitment to high fashion is called into question by the fact that they're staying in California; then reaffirmed with a Diane von Furstenberg show, featuring a runway that's three stories up. Someone falls but apparently does not die, and the first photo shoot makes several of the models cry. Excellent!
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