This episode has a lot going on, so bear with me here. The girls meet up with Nigel and Sean Patterson, the president of Wilhelmina, and must do their best to impress in individual consultations. Courtney manages to make a good impression despite her broken foot, but giant-eyed musical theater performer Rachel is so boring that she can't even remember one song lyric when asked. Jennifer, meanwhile, has a lazy eye, but it's some medical condition and so maybe is mean to make fun of. But that's never stopped us before, has it? The girls all think they are participating in a challenge, but little do they know that something here is as awry as Jennifer's left cornea. There is no winner for this challenge, but there is most certainly a loser as it is announced that poor Rachel is getting the axe then and there. Nigel consoles her by telling her that she's young. And at least she doesn't have a lazy eye.
And then, I don't know how exactly to explain what happens . The girls meet with a photographer who's obviously an actor -- perhaps from the same agency as Crazyface Amber -- who challenges them to give him the perfect photo in just one take. Mousy Tyra – you know, in character -- enters in a trenchcoat and meekly tries to be a one-shot hero to no avail. She takes the photographer's abuse until he makes fun of the height-challenged bunch of models looking on in confusion and mild horror. And then she goes into a Hulk-like rage and turns into a very shiny being called -- wait for it -- Super Smize. Super Smize's superpower is smiling with her eyes -- a.k.a., smizing. I'm sure that's trademarked. She smizes™ the photographer to death, and then imparts her smizability to the models. Jennifer, understandably, is worried about smizing. Kara has a cross smize that no one seems to notice. And we have to hear Tyra speak the words, “Turkey pepperoni or real pork swine?” The inmates are running the asylum, people. Oh, but we're not done yet. The girls then must dress in pink and purple spandex half-hoodie bodysuits and enter the Fortress of Fierce for a smize-off. Six girls win their heats and go to a five-star dinner with Sean Patterson wearing complimentary gowns. The losers are given smocks and sent to the kitchen for dish duty.
The photo shoot for the week is inspired both by Seabiscuit and Lady Godiva as the girls pose topless on horses with long wigs covering their bubbies. Brittany, Laura and Nicole all do well, and it's Erin who gets the best photo of the week. Bianca wears a crazy blonde wig and can't keep her damn mouth shut about it at judging. She also looks like a damn man, which is a problem. She lands in the bottom two. However it is Courtney, who gets a bee up her butt about having to wear her cast on the shoot, who gets the metaphorical boot and must pack her bags. That's not something to smize about.
Previously: Fourteen wee modelettes made their way to LA and were promptly given unspectacular makeovers and forced to recreate photos from their childhoods, with a sluttier twist. Second chance Lisa couldn't manage to work her giant clown collar (rookie!), and was sent home a traumatic second time. Thirteen girls remain! Let this number of doom be a warning to you.
We begin the episode as the girls ride home in their limo after elimination. Bianca finally realizes that she should have kept her damn mouth shut for once. She reminds us that her constant complaining on-set got her sent to the bottom two because, as Tyra reminds her, photographers (AND TYRA) are not paying (OR NOT PAYING) for her opinion. If you have an original, well-formed thought in your head, you have come to the wrong place. And don't you forget it, Mr. Sister. Bianca is taking this as a warning, and vows not to be in the bottom two again. Giant-eyed Rachel opines that no one can expect anything. This telegraphs to us that she should, in fact, expect something, and so shouldn't actually be in too much shock when (spoiler!) she gets an unceremonious rapid-fire boot in mere minutes. Rachel tells us that going from Wal-Mart cashier to America's Top Model is a big jump, with 90% fewer blue smocks, and 25% more mentally challenged colleagues.
When the girls get home they see Rae's best-of-the-week photograph displayed as digital art, as promised. The photo actually isn't as big as the words to it, which read, "Rae of Sunshine / Dreamy / Broken Down Doll." Because the wit and wisdom of the judges is really what we've been after all along. Courtney interviews that she's so over her broken foot, and is taking her boot off this week. Rest assured that she'll get another boot to take its place at the end of the episode.
There is Tyra Mail! The girls yell and scream and jump around just as they were instructed to. Kara reads: "Your career will be short if you don't measure up." She neglects to read the standard, "Love, Tyra," which the other girls point out. However, when she does say it, she skips the "love" part, which may be a sign of the beginning of the end. The day the girls head to Wilhelmina Models, and are clearly excited to have a visit to the agency where they all want to be signed. Nigel walks in and explains that they'll have a rather special opportunity today -- Sean Patterson, the president of Wilhelmina, has flown all the way from New York City to meet with each and every one of them. Sean enters, and just a bit resembles Jon Gosselin, minus the Ed Hardy gear and most of the douchebaggery. Sean explains that Wilhelmina represents the entire range of the industry, and has a place for all types of beauty. Additionally, they pride themselves on nurturing their talent, so perhaps the winner of this cycle won't end up cleaning mousetraps in Elite's basement with McKey. Nigel reminds the girls how rare it is to get signed to an agency, and adds that Tyra herself had to go to six agencies in L.A. before she got signed. Like Oprah, it's Tyra's hardscrabble past that makes her so relatable. Sean tells the girls that the market for petite models is "more hypercompetitive" than they could ever imagine. They get one chance to impress Sean, and if they fail they're screwed.
We first see Lulu meet with Sean and Nigel. Sean asks her, "Why modeling?" which seems a valid question. Lulu says that modeling is the only thing that makes her happy, and that she loves fashion. Sean asks her who her favorite photographer is, and Lulu says she doesn't pay attention to photographers. 1) Nigel is sitting right there (though does he really even count as a photographer anymore?); 2) For the love, people, just pick up one issue of Vogue to read on the plane to L.A. and remember a few names. Gah. Courtney is , and tells us that she's planning to be as poised as possible despite the foot situation. Sean asks her what she would do if her entire evaluation today was based on her runway walk. Courtney says she would walk, and then does, in heels, with her foot only wrapped. Nigel is surprised at how impressed he was by Courtney, and Sean (who calls her "sweetheart" and thus gets some Gosselin d-bag points of his own) says he's proud of her for walking through the pain.
Jennifer interviews that her main focus this week is her left eye. She lost her full range of motion in her left eye because of a condition called ptosis, where the eye muscle stretches for no apparent reason. It does not appear to involve the bloodying of the eyeball, so Nicole's distinctive personality trait and unique nickname remain intact. Jennifer walked into the competition hoping that her eye wouldn't be an issue. When she leaves, Sean and Nigel both note that she has a lazy eye. However, if they let Amanda and her retinitis pigmentosa get all the way to the final three, I think anything goes. And she can look at two different cameras at once! Marketable.
Rachel comes in , and Nigel asks if she's had any acting experience. Rachel says that she's done musical theater, but that's about it. Nigel asks her to perform any song that she feels comfortable with. Rachel stands there blankly and says she's trying to think of the best song. Nigel simply says, "Any song. Just give me a lyric." Rachel's response? "Uh...hmmm." Yeah. The giant bug eyes can't get her out of this one. Nigel tells us that when you're meeting your potential boss, you should really try not to be a total vapid dumb-ass. Finally, a useful piece of advice from one of the judges! When Rachel leaves Nigel kindly says, "She's very sweet," but Sean just deadpans that he got nothing from her. As other girls go in and out, Sean reminds us that models are rejected every day, until they aren't. Um, thanks. Bianca resolves to watch her mouth when she meets with Sean and Nigel, and manages to stay quiet when Sean tells her that her hair is very severe. Combined with her smaller stature, he's not sure how marketable she is. Bianca says that she belongs there, and Nigel wishes her luck.
Sean and Nigel meet with all the girls, and Nigel says that this exercise was really all about first impressions. Sean then drops the bomb -- one of them doesn't have what it takes to be a Wilhelmina model. One of them? Nigel adds the really explosive part -- that girl is going to have to leave the competition immediately. No nonsensical berating from Miss J. at the judges' panel, no bland words of non-encouragement from Tyra as she gives a goodbye hug. The girls, who all thought this was a challenge and that there would be a winner rather than a really big loser, are in shock as we head to commercials.
When we return, the shock has not worn off. Sean wastes no time in announcing that it is bug-eyed, boring, brain dead Rachel who is going home. Rachel looks like someone has jabbed a can of Sam's Choice Diet Dr. Thunder through her heart. Nigel and Sean appear to feel a bit like assholes -- something that has until now been strictly Tyra territory. However, Nigel explains, to be a successful model you have to be charismatic, and Rachel is lacking in that department. Sean adds that she's dumb and boring, in case we didn't get that the first time around. Rachel feels like she's going to be sick, and looks like she's the living embodiment of a pit of despair. She tells us that she expected someone to pop out and say, "Just kidding!" That person never came. Are there other occasions where that's happened to her? Because that's kind of weird. Nigel comforts Rachel by saying that she's beautiful and young, and has a full future ahead of her. Just not in modeling. Which we knew. And she should know. So, in a way, it all kind of worked out in the end.
The other girls are now living in fear, which makes Tyra feel like sunshine and unicorns. Sean tells them that modeling is a very harsh industry, and that Wilhel
mina wants to represent people who have at least some semblance of a personality. The others have to prove that they deserve to win the competition. Or at least not be so dumb and boring. I would say that's a useful life lesson.Back at home, Jennifer tells the others that Rachel was a nice girl, but she wasn't able to connect with her. She exposes herself as a stealth bitch by interviewing that, while she's kind of sad for Rachel, she's mostly happy for herself. Even with the lazy eye! Her days are clearly numbered. Bianca goes sprinting from the hot tub to get a delivery of Tyra Mail! It reads, "A top model knows to never mask her best asset. It's time to separate the supermodels from the mere models. Tyra." Again, no "love"! I think this is the scandal of the season: Tyra stops pretending to care!
The girls head to a studio where they encounter an actor pretending to be a photographer with a French name. I mean, it's so obvious. He tells the girls that their mission is to give him the perfect picture in one shot. He yanks Jennifer up first, yells at her with the only French word he knows, and starts to shoot her. Laura interviews with buckets of southern charm, "This petite man is SO RUDE!" The photographer berates Jennifer and yells at the girls, asking with frustration if anyone can give him the perfect picture in one take. Before Sundai can volunteer, Tyra stumbles in wearing a trench coat, glasses, and a meek attitude and says she thinks she can do it. And right here we knew we were in trouble, though exactly how much trouble would have been difficult to predict. The photographer says he doesn't even know who she is. You know, because she's so cleverly disguised. You'd think the fact that the being before him is clearly an idiot would clue him in that it's actually Tyra, but no. Disguised Tyra poses terribly, and the photographer tells her that she's terrible. He then makes reference to the "itty bitty" models in the room and asks if this is Munchkinland.
And then, much like Bruce Banner, disguised Tyra gets very angry, whips off her coat, and changes into a giant, raging, humanoid monster. Which is really not so different than the Tyra we know, after all. She is now wearing a black bodysuit with a silver stripe down the middle, tall silver boots, and a silver lame cape. She twirls, as giant, raging humanoid monsters often do. The actor/photographer says with fear, "It's you! Super Smize!" Yes, it is her. Super Smize. The actor/photographer, while yelling in a panic, informs us of Super Smize's skills. She (he? it?) can stomp the runway to death with just one stomp! S/he/it stomps thrice, just for effect. S/he/it can also fiercely freeze in any pose. But, as s/he/its name might suggest, the most lethal weapon in Super Smize's arsenal is the ability to -- you guessed it -- smize. You might think that "smize" is a new term for female ejaculation, which frankly IS a lethal weapon and would be deserving of an entire giant, raging humanoid monster superhero in its honor. But no. As Super Smize explains, "That's right. Be afraid. Because I am going to defeat you with my smize! Otherwise known as...Smile. With. My. Eyes." Well, check and check, because I am both afraid and defeated.
Now, you might be surprised at this newfangled terminology (look out, 2010 OED!), but I'm really not. Because recently I learned from Tyra herself that she's "good for making up words." Where did I learn this, you may ask? Why, in Tyra's magaline, of course. Where she holds the position of "Chief Dreamer." Look, all I'm saying is that if the show Intervention ever held an episode where they wanted to save someone from general derangement, I've got a candidate. Should we be worried about her? I mean, yes. Yes. In two years she's going to be Miss Havisham-ing around her manse, wearing a Super Smize costume with cobwebs in the crotch, imparting bad relationship advice to her adopted daughter Sundai. No good can come out of this, is all I'm saying. And shouldn't it be "smeyes"?
Where was I? Oh yes. Super Smize commences with the smizing, thus rendering the actor/photographer powerless. To her smize. He feels that he must take a picture, and then does so, but soon after is forced to run out of the room yelling, "I've never seen such power in my life!" Now, I know I might be trying to ill-advisedly impose logic on this situation, but if your goal is to be a model do you really want to acquire a skill that makes a photographer run out of the room? I'm just saying. The whole time this is happening the girls are just standing there looking vaguely uncomfortable. Wannabe models! They're just like us.
Tyra -- I MEAN SUPER SMIZE -- tells the girls that they can be more powerful than any model, including the tall glamazon bitches, if they only learn the power to smize. And then, in case you were wondering, there is a lesson in smizing. Here's what you do: "Stand feet shoulder width apart. Shoulders down, as if somebody is going 'ugh.' Necks up. String coming out of the top of your head. Squint. Okay, put your hand on your tummy. And I want you to think of something delicious. It can be a hot fudge sundae. It can be your boyfriend kissing your neck." Can it be having at Super Smize with a pickaxe? Hey! It worked! I'm smizing! I'M SMIZING!
Super Smize then works with each girl individually. Brittany's happy thing to think about is her cats, so Super Smize puts her hand on Brittany's tummy and says, "Okay, let's touch the cats. That sounds a little gross. But we're talking about cats." It does not help matters that s/he/it makes Brittany purr aloud, and then purr silently in her head. Brittany is psyched about this experience, since it's rare and special for girls to get one-on-one time with Super Smize. Jennifer is thinking about sheetcake. She admits in an interview that she's worried about being Lazy Smize. Sundai is thinking about noodles. Beef noodles. Super Smize notes that in Japan the louder you slurp the better it tastes. And then Super Smize and Sundai slurp together and I, having a particular aversion to slurping sounds, wish that Super Smize had just done me in earlier. Nicole has a heavy brow, but thankfully not a Bloody Smize.
And then, just when you thought things couldn't get better, it's Courtney's turn. Super Smize asks Courtney what she's thinking about. Courtney says she's thinking about pizza, and Super Smize asks, "And what is on the topping of this human pizza?" Uh, humans? I guess Super Smize is an alien, or at least a very robotic imbecile. Courtney says that pepperoni is on the topping of this human pizza and Super Smize asks, "Turkey pepperoni or real pork swine?" Let me say it again. TURKEY PEPPERONI OR REAL PORK SWINE. Courtney gives Super Smize a "Bitch, are you trippin'?" sideways glance, which is 99% responsible for her boot at the end of the episode, but also reassures us that the models, much like us, think that Tyra is a fucking psycho.
And now I must give a special shout-out to genius reader Kelly, who discovered through the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office that "smize" has, in fact, been trademarked by Ty Loke Productions, and covers goods and services including (among hundreds if not thousands of others) ornamental lapel pins, thermal underwear, parasols, self-esteem development, toy wrestling gear, carpet padding, hair nets, pot holders, cotton ball dispensers, high chairs, paper napkins, floppy disks and scented pine cones. If this doesn't fill your heart with terror, you have been smizing for way too long.
It is now time for the girls to adjourn to the Fortress of Fierceness, where they will battle it out to see who has the best smize. When they arrive, the girls are dressed in pink and purple spandex bodystockings with hoods and retractable mouth masks. Tyra greets them, explaining that Super Smize had
Jennifer is and Jay asks her for a preliminary smize. When she gives it to him, he says she looks a wee bit drunk. Ptosis rights activists are going to be writing some serious letters about that! Jennifer explains to Jay about her eye condition, and he does not appear to give half a shit. The horse hates her, because it thinks she's giving it the stink eye. It's a condition, horse! Where's your sensitivity? Jennifer's shoot does not go so well. Brittany is and manages to look both tall and hot. She gives Jay Italian Vogue, and he almost smizes himself. Then there's Nicole, who feels awkward and intimidated. I'm not sure if she feels intimidated because she's naked, or if she's intimidated by her feather headdress. Half way through Jay asks her if she's smizing, and she admits that she isn't. For shame! Did we learn nothing from Super Smize?
Ashley is and Jay wants her to be less studied. She laughs and it works. I have to say that mostly I forget that she's even on this show, but she really does look gorgeous. Erin is and Jay reminds her that this shoot is all about the smize. Her makeup is terrifying, but Jay loves everything that she's doing. Laura is and is thrilled to be working with a horse AND to be nude. Because (shrug), "I just like nudity." She's totally my favorite. Her aura smizes, you know? She seems to do pretty well. Lulu looks stiff and Jay is not impressed at her posing.
It's Courtney's turn, and Jay tells her that, since they're not showing feet, he doesn't want her to put heels on until she gets on the horse. Courtney gets her smize all out of joint because she has to leave her boot on, and interviews that she feels disabled. She poses and looks kind of mad and sullen all at once, which is not compatible with the smize. She also interviews that she was confused, because Jay and the photographer were asking her to be cute and innocent, when she looked like a total transvestite slut. The cognitive dissonance is understandable. Jay is stunned by how bad Courtney sucks.
Then there's Bianca. She is wearing a very blonde wig, which has the unfortunate effect of making her look like a really masculine man in a very blonde wig. Jay explains that she's in this wig because it's supposed to match the horse's mane. Bianca clearly hates the hair, as she should, but she tells us that she has learned not to complain. The best direction that Jay and the photographer can give her is, "Ladylike. A little less she-man." Jay tells us that transgender contestant Isis looked more feminine than Bianca does today. And speaking of men, there's Kara. Every time Jay stops to talk to her, she relaxes into a natural pose, but otherwise I think she might kind of suck. Sundai, we are reminded, is the shortest girl, so she says that she has to work harder than the others. She looks bobbleheaded and clueless to me, but Jay seems to love what she's doing. That's a wrap!
Back at home, the girls learn that only eleven of them will live to smize another day. Jennifer acknowledges that her shoot didn't go that well, and she's afraid to be in the bottom two. Courtney complains about Jay forcing her to leave her boot on, and Brittany confessionalizes that Courtney needs a reality check. If she wants to give someone a reality check, I suggest she seek out the giant, raging humanoid monster whose name begins with "Super" and ends with "Smize." Brittany points out to Courtney, in front of the others, that she is not owning any responsibility for her poor performance. Courtney thinks that she should be able to talk about how she feels, and does not appreciate being called out. Perhaps there was more to this drama, but all of the time normally dedicated to bitchery was spent on Super Smize, so we will never know for sure. Commercials.
When we return, it's time for panel! There are prizes, there are judges. Super Smize is the guest judge. Kidding! Though, frankly, I would kind of love to see it. Lauren Conrad is actually the guest judge. TURKEY PEPPERONI OR REAL PORK SWINE? The girls all smize at once upon Tyra's command. And have you noticed that they all wear flats to panel? This is clearly by design, because in the past Tyra and the judges have given short girls hell for not wearing heels. And, I mean, we get it, they're short. Stop the tyranny and let them wear a freakin' stiletto. Miss J. pretends not to know what smizing is, just so he can compliment Tyra on her linguistic innovation.
Kara is up first for evaluation. Nigel thinks her photo is interesting, but would like to see more movement in the body. Lauren wants to see more expression in the face, and Tyra wants more -- or any -- smize. Fail. Then there's Ashley. Miss J. thinks that the shot is great, but Ashley looks bored to death. Tyra says that this is actually Ashley's test shot. She overposed so much in the rest of them that they had no choice but to use this one, where she looked more relaxed, and Photoshop out a horse guy who was in the background. Tyra mentions that Nigel has been nervous about the fact that Ashley is a dancer, and now Tyra is as well. Dancers always get slammed on this show. Jennifer is . Nigel thinks her body looks good, but her face is rank. Lauren notes that Jennifer's eyes look uneven, and once again Jennifer is forced to come clean about the ptosis. Tyra tells Jennifer that she needs to work the lazy eye, and Nigel suggests that she twist her head so that the lazy eye is completely out of view. Good advice. Smize on the prize, Jennifer.
Lulu is , and her photo gets raves. Tyra and Nigel both think it's very sweet, and Lauren commends Lulu on not looking like a whore when she's in such whorish get-up. Brittany is and, conversely, her photo gets raves because she embraced the sluttiness. Her photo is fierce and sexy and she looks like she's levitating on the horse. Bianca is , and Tyra asks if she's ready to see her shot. Bianca says, "Oh yeah, I wanna see this blonde hair." Well, that's certain to put her in the bottom two. Miss J. calls her a man, and Tyra tells her that she has a "smell boo boo" face, which is the face you make when you ask, "Ooh, who farted?" I've had that face all episode! Now at least I know what to call it. Laura's photo is hot and sexy and looks very different -- in a good way -- than she does in person. Sundai's eyes get lost in her photo, and she over-purses her lips. Suepr Smize told her not to do that, so you can't say she wasn't warned. Rae's photo is strange, but that makes it not hooch, which makes it good. She's sort of confused, but sometimes that's the best you can hope for.
Nicole looks enormously tall in her photo, and also is rocking the melancholy smize. Her photo is Lauren's favorite. we have Erin. The judges love her photo, which is aggressive and manages to embody what Tyra envisioned for the shoot: "to incorporate the girl's hair with the horse's hair and the smize and semi-nudity." I think the photo is a little scary, but then again I didn't even know that smizing was a word until I saw this episode. Finally, there's Courtney. Nigel says that there isn't much to her photo, and Lauren says that it looks angry. Courtney admits that she was mad about the whole boot incident. Tyra gives it to her a little, saying that Jay instructed her to keep the boot on for her safety around the horse. The lesson here is that you should just shut up and be grateful that you don't have to display your cameltoe for the world again.
The judges deliberate. Miss J. loves Brittany, and Lauren is impressed at her on-horse posing. Kara's sexiness is on the cheap side. Ashley is Miss Overpose. Nigel likes it, but says that your test shot should never be your best shot. Rae's picture was so-so. Lulu, says Tyra, is smizing with her eyes but is also smizing with her lips, which is a no-no. Knowing that you can smize with other body parts really adds a whole other wrinkle, doesn't it? Bianca smells farts. Laura's photo is a fashion photo, and it's unexpected. Jennifer's photo was pretty meh, but she should be able to learn some makeup tricks to help deemphasize her weak eye. Sundai has a lot of potential according to Nigel, and Tyra thinks she's sweet. Erin has mastered the art of the angry smize, which is a good thing. Courtney's photo is weak, and it's her fault for sabotaging herself. Everything about Nicole's photo is working. And with that, the judges reach a decision, and Tyra knocks Nigel off of his chair with her smize in celebration.
Twelve young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has eleven photos in her hands. And those photos represent the girls that will still be in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. Erin is called first, meaning that she has the best photo of the week. Weird. Brittany is called , followed by Laura, Nicole, Kara, Jennifer, Sundai, Rae, Lulu, and Ashley. This leaves Bianca and Courtney -- the two complainers -- in the bottom two. Bianca is there because she complained last week, and she complained this week. Plus she looked like a bad drag queen. Then there's Courtney. They feel bad for her about her leg, but also can't stand a girl who gives up. And Courtney gave up. And thus she gets the boot.
Courtney tearfully interviews that she expected to do better, and so let herself down. She wishes she didn't have a broken foot. And she never mastered the art of smooting - smiling with her foot. She's planning on continuing to model, and hopes that she'll be seen as more than just real pork swine.
week: Miss J. has a mini-me! And there's more Bianca drama.
Turkey pepperoni or real pork swine? Let Potes know which makes you smize by writing to potesypotes@gmail.com.