It's makeover time! The girls head in their pink plaid stretch SUV limo (au revoir, earthmobile!) to Bergdorf Goodman for surprise new looks. There is no Good Fierce Witch to narrate the process for us, however we do have Mission Impossible super-spy Tyra, who speaks in the same vaguely British/upper-class accent she uses every time she’s "in character." The makeovers are of the same variety as usual. Of note: Sandra gets buzzed and dyed blonde to pay homage to Kanye West's stripper girlfriend; Allison gets a big, blonde mermaid weave; Celia goes short-ish and funky, like mid-Chicks Natalie Maines; Aminat goes from funky afro-weave to sleek Naomi Campbell waves; Kortnie goes red; London is blonde and short and ever more like a child of the corn; Teyona gets a head full of Jheri curls, which Tyra later acknowledges was a bad call; and Tahlia also gets a big blonde weave. Natalie is the first to have a diva freak-out when she thinks her hair is going to get chopped off, and then feels like a jerk when she realizes the Jays were just foolin'. Her hair is perfect as is. The main hair drama, however, belongs to Fo, who gets a close-cropped short do that is both edgy and adorable to everyone but her. She feels like a big bull dyke, and very convincingly states that food-stamp dining is preferable to being so boy-like.
The girls have to endure a Wal-Mart/Cover Girl challenge despite the fact that there are no Wal-Marts in New York City. They go accost some poor women they find on the street, then bring them back to the Mock-Mart and shill product. The team of Aminat, Claire and Sandra wins, despite the fact that Aminat and Claire are becoming mortal enemies and Sandra didn’t do anything. The photo shoot sets the girls up for failure, as they have to both direct and light themselves. Nigel is the photographer, and the theme is vaguely rock n' roll. Fo still can't get over her damn hair and actually starts crying on set. Nigel is not amused. The judges tell us that a lot of the photos lack tension, but Teyona, Allison, Natalie and Celia all performed well. Kortnie and Sandra were not so hot, and Aminat was terribly dull, but in the end it's the annoyingly confident Jessica who lands in the bottom two with punk-ass crybaby Fo. The night turns out to be a bad one for Puerto Rico (see the American Idol recap for more on that) as Jessica gets booted back to Resting-on-Prettyville.
Previously on America's Top Model: Thirteen lucky ladies moved into their New York City pad and then were off to do their first runway show. Sandra was/is possibly a crack fiend. The girls captured "the beauty of innocence" at their photo shoot, which had them dressed as little girls and playing games while bad influence extras (including a pregnant boozer) looked on. Isabella didn't seem likely to actually have a seizure during the first several episodes, and so was sent home. Twelve bitches remain! Na na na na na na.
It is night in New York City. The girls return home after elimination to find Allison's best-of-the-week photo displayed digitally. She says it's a strange feeling to see it. I'm guessing Allison's feelings about everything are more or less strange. Fo loves her second-place photo and says she feels like she has potential. Meanwhile, Aminat is mad as hell that Isabella went home. She says that Sandra should have gone home, and if she had been eliminated the rest of the girls would have foregone the de rigueur hugs in favor of a curt, "Bye bitch." That sounds about right. Not content to keep her opinions to herself, Aminat asks Sandra if she comes off bitchy. Sandra thinks she stands up for herself. You know, in a bitchy way. Aminat tells her that everyone was sad about Isabella's ouster, and adds that the better person went home. Sandra doesn't engage, but does interview that the others can think what they want to because at the end of the day it's all about her. Sadly, I'm guessing that will probably be true. She adds a quiet "bitch" as she reaches the top of the stairs and Aminat is nowhere nearby. Way to stand up for yourself, Sandy!
Jessica, meanwhile, is trying not to take what the judges said too personally. She tells us that she didn't agree with the judges, who thought that she was resting on "pretty." If Jessica had a brain in that big head of hers she would know that there's nothing Tyra likes to do more (with the exception of eating ribs) than break down a girl who thinks she's all that. Jessica uses a giant silver ball to predict her future in the competition. The silver ball tells her she's going to kick some ass in the photo shoot. Frankly I think a Magic 8 Ball would have been a more reliable option.
There is Tyra Mail! "Whether it's on the streets or the sidewalk you'll be turning heads. Love, Tyra." The morning the girls head outside to see a pink plaid stretch Hummer limo that will be their chariot during their time in New York. Remember how for a minute going green was fashionable and the girls were transported in a bus fueled by Miss J.'s used hair grease? Those days are apparently over. The limo has lots of pink girly flourishes inside, including a photo of Tyra with a bunch of little dogs. When we see Tyra, she'll be wearing a Pomeranian-pelt coat. Trust.
Meanwhile... it's time for retardation. We join the Jays at Bergdorf Goodman where they get a call on their iPhone-esque device. It is Tyra, wearing a trench coat and top hat. She wishes the Jays good morning and details their mission, if they choose to accept it. You know, after the whole Good Fierce Witch thing, we're getting off pretty easy, so I'm not going to complain. Anyway, mission: "In your hands are 12 dossiers of 12 busted-up models. I need you to transform these wannabes into high-fashion top fierce femme fatalian models." And who better than the fatalian stallions to complete this mission? Tyra warns that there will be tears and trials and "Oh no my hair"! But she doesn't care. Because misery is her business, and stock has unexpectedly gone up. Fatalian!
The girls finally make it to Bergdorf Goodman's which, if you'll recall, is where Celia actually works. Maybe if they don't give her some disastrous time-killing weave she can go make a buck or two. The girls are in the John Barrett salon and, obviously, are getting makeovers. John Barrett himself comes out and he is apparently super-famous. If he's not on Shear Genius, his hair styling fame is lost on me. Celia, however, assures us that he's amazing and that people wait two months to get an appointment with him. And now these ungrateful bitches get it right away and for free. Jay tells the girls that instructions about their new looks are in their dossiers which are marked, "Confidential: For Fierce Eyes Only." If a dead-eyed model tries to look in there she spontaneously combusts and Tyra uses her as a charcoal briquette. Anyway, the girls won't get to see their looks until they're complete, however it's usually pretty obvious when someone is shaving your head and/or attaching a long Ronald McDonald weave to it.
The girls get settled and both Celia and Kortnie express some trepidation about the thought of going short. Aminat, however, could not be happier. Her afro was thirsty, and now it's getting a big tall frosty glass o' product. Jessica bores the shampoo girl to death by talking about all the opportunities her time on Top Model will get her. Secret Agent Tyra appears in the bottom corner of the screen and tells us that Jessica is the prettiest girl in her high school but needs to be edged out to be a true top model. So they're chopping her hair shorter and adding some wave and some red. It's a gorgeous cut, and nothing worth crying about, and Jessica looks great. Sandra is , and Tyra tells us that a beautiful bright smile deserves beautiful bright hair. So Tyra is, and I quote, "Cutting off that Mohawk thing." Like me, Tyra was at a loss for descriptors of Sandra's busted hair. Sandra will also be going blonde. It's a striking look and not all that unlike that of Kanye West's new girlfriend. Too bad they haven't transformed her into a modern day Coco. In any case, Sandra is much improved and of course thinks she looks great and that the other girls need to step up their game.
we have Allison and her big creepy eyes. Tyra tells us that those eyes deserve big, blonde, long, luscious hair. Allison says she feels like a mermaid. It's like if a mermaid mated with some sort of weird troll-like woodland creature and their baby was adopted by kindly religious folk and raised in tangentially human civilization. Meanwhile, Christian asks Nijah when she last washed her hair. She says it's been two weeks, and Christian jokes that they have to wash the sink now. I await the impending Tabatha's Salon Takeover. Nijah's hair is boring, so she gets a big-ass weave.
Natalie walks in while Fo is getting her hair cut and says she looks so cute. Fo says that all she wants is extensions. I'm going to have to invoke the Rolling Stones here, aren't I? Tyra says that she sees cuteness when she looks at Fo -- cute freckles and cute face. But cute doesn't cut it in Top Model world, and she's cutting all of that cute hair off. And now Fo looks even cuter in a cute pixie type way! Fo tells us that she was not expecting a short haircut at all, and needs a little time to get used to it in her own skin. She seems way too calm about it right now, which of course only means that the related post-traumatic stress is going to be spectacular.
Celia is a bouncing blonde, according to Tyra, who suddenly has a vaguely British accent like someone who is impersonating Madonna really badly. Tyra uses this accent always when she is "in character." She probably busted it out when she was in her fat suit for The Tyra Banks Show, which really compromised the integrity of that data collection. People weren't being mean to her because she looked fat, they were being mean to her because she's an idiot. Anyway, Celia has beautiful hair, but it gets in the way of her gorgeous cheekbones. So it's getting cut off! Celia gets a bit emotional about it, and Jay says that her hair was long and dry as Ghandi's sandals. Natalie sees Celia crying and hopes she won't have the same fate. However, in the end, Celia feels liberated without all the hair and thinks it will translate in photo shoots. I think it looks good, but still doesn't fix the problem of Celia's face.
Meanwhile, Jay tells Miss J. that if he is dry on his elbows or the husks of his feet (husks?) that he should just go dig his hands up in Aminat's weave. Amina's weave-fro is getting snipped out, which makes me sad. Tyra thinks it's limiting, and instead is giving Aminat some long Naomi Campbell-style waves. I don't know if this means that Tyra is working out her issues or that she secretly hates Aminat. Miss J. quite hilariously takes Aminat's weave and wears it like an old-school Sonny and Cher fur vest. Aminat's response? "Questionable, Miss J. Questionable behavior." Miss J. works it like the weavologist's layaway payment is due tomorrow. Aminat loves her new hair.
Tyra then totally, and deservedly, insults Kortnie by saying, "Kortnie. Gosh, she's tan. And there's not much I can do about that." At least she didn't just bust out with, "Kortnie. She's fat and orange as befits a Nascar fan." Kortnie gets red hair, which I don't think bodes well. Tyra loves London's bone structure, and so is giving her short blonde hair. And by blonde she means "the color of pissy snow." She looks a lot different, but says that she believes change -- even drastic change -- is good. And then there's Natalie. The Jays go at her with scissors and Natalie stops them. She says she knows it's going to be extremely short, and she's not comfortable with that. Oooh. They might as well kick her off right now because she's going to be, as Dorothy "Tootie" Ramsay would say, "Truh-buuuuuulllllll." Jay tells Natalie that when she says "wait" to John she's also saying "wait" to Tyra. And Tyra waits for no one, except the mother ship that promised to come back for her. Miss J. orders, "Cut her hair." Natalie moves her head away and says, "I can't, dude, I can't." Fo, with her little boy cut, gives the "this ho is trippin'" look. John divas that he can't do this and storms off as we head to commercials.
When we return, Jay tells Natalie that at the end of the day nothing is happening to her hair. Natalie was micro-punk'ed! And she was taught a valuable lesson. Secret agent Tyra pops up in the bottom of the screen and says, "Natalie... she looks fine like she is." Jay tells Natalie that when they saw her in casting they thought she was a model head to toe and they didn't need to do anything. Not even wax those eyebrows? Come on, now. The lesson that Natalie has learned is to trust the people she works with. Jay adds that they're not doing things for shock value. 1) That is lies. 2) Would you trust an orange man with silver Astroturf hair? Fo is kind of pissed and interviews that she thought Natalie would at least get a trim or some highlights. She sighs as she says, "She's perfect, I guess." Natalie is flattered that she has championship-winning hair that not even Tyra wanted to fuck up.
there's Teyona and her wind-tunnel face. She is getting hair that is, and I quote, "Slicked back and juicy, like a jeri curl. " There's a reason that Jeri curls were usually singular when they were in style 25 years ago. A whole head of them is pretty busted-looking. Tyra for some reason has determined that Tahlia needs a mane like a lion, so she's getting a big blonde-weave. I'm surprised it's not Lady Godiva length to cover her body even when she's wearing skimpy clothes. Tahlia loves it. Fo, meanwhile, is annoyed. She sees all of her competition getting long, luscious hair and thinks everyone looks better than she does. The tears start. Sandra interviews that she's one step away from being bald as Telly Savalas, and she's not complaining. If you can't take getting your hair cut, you shouldn't be a model, she says. I'm with her on that one. Nut up -- it grows. Fo is so upset that she can't even explain herself, and so is forced to give an agonized snort to show her displeasure.
Back at the house there is more Tyra Mail: "Not seeing eye to eye? Tomorrow it's time to make-up. Love, Tyra." That sounds like some imminent Cover Girl shilling to me. Oh, but meanwhile, there's more Fo agony. Fo tearfully confessionalizes that when she was little she'd always hide who she really was. This has something to do with being poor and living off of food stamps. But, she whines, she's never really felt ugly until today. She says she has to hide her hair to feel pretty. And I mean, first off, she looks so much better so she should get over it. In the realm of hideous Top Model hairdos, this does not even rate. But also, this is season 12. If she thinks anyone remotely involved with any aspect of this show has a wad of sympathy, she is entirely deluded. She cries that this is what's going to break her in this competition. Then she should get the fuck out. Sorry. I do like Fo, but nobody has the patience.
The day, the girls get ready for whatever dumb thing they're going to do. Jessica says that she knew they were going to cut her hair shorter. However, she thinks it's sexy as hell and adds that there's not really a lot of stuff you can do to make her look ugly. You could punch her in the face. The girls head off and meet Sutan, who is the cutest. I want to hug him and make him my gay boyfriend and watch reruns of The Golden Girls together. He introduces Cover Girl representative Elyssa Starkman. Put a flowered hat on her and you have Blossom 20 years on. As Elyssa talks, the camera passes by Kortnie who totally looks like a slightly less busted version of Lindsay Lohan with her orange skin and red hair. This facsimile meeting of Blossom / Lohan is kind of freaking me out, to be honest with you. I might need Six to intervene and calm me down. Anyway, Elyssa tells the girls that, in addition to a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, the winner of the show will have her image on an exclusive Cover Girl display in WalMart. Fart couture! Last season the girls had a makeup challenge in a WalMart aisle. Unfortunately, New York City has no WalMarts. They couldn't bus them to Long Island for the day? No, instead WalMart has been brought to the girls. A curtain drops, and there's the Cover Girl makeup aisle in its full glory.
Sutan tells the girls that at WalMart, every girl can make herself look less hideous for cheap. For this challenge, the girls will split into four teams of three. Each team will have to hit the streets to find a woman who embodies Cover Girl. They have to bring her back to the Cover Girl wall and introduce her to Exact Eyelights mascara. It comes in four shades with light-reflecting metallics and a hint of tint. The girls must be aware of what shade goes with what eye color so they don't go all Crystal Gale and make some poor lady's brown eyes blue. Sutan tells the girls that this challenge is not about applying makeup. It's about being ambassadors and spokesmodels for Cover Clump. As teams the girls will be judged on how well they explain what the product does. The winning team will participate in an Eyelights photo shoot to be displayed on WalMart.com. Today, WalMart.com. Tomorrow, French Vogue! The teams are as such: 1) Sandra, Aminat, Celia; 2) Fo, Kortnie, Teyona; 3) Jessica, Tahlia, London; 4) Allison, Nijah, Natalie. The teams only have twenty minutes, but I'm not sure if that's just to recruit whatever poor person on the street can be persuaded into taking a long lunch, or twenty minutes to conduct the entire challenge. But there's no time to ask questions, because the challenge starts now!
Aminat is not thrilled to be on a team with Sandra, but is prepared to suck it up in the name of winning the challenge. Team 3 finds a model in pretty, headband-wearing Megan, team 2 scores funky Lexi, Team 4 finds Alex of the pink scarf, and Team 1 gets striking shopper Lily. Team 1 wastes no time in taking Lily to the wall, where Aminat tells her all about how Eyelights Goodtimes can work for her. Elyssa likes how they spent time introducing their foundling to the Cover Girl wall, which is apparently what they were instructed to do. However, she noted that Sandra was a little quiet. That is all probably for the best. London gives Megan some mascara-application tips, and Sutan thinks that team 3's makeup was definitely the best. However, Elyssa notes, they weren't asked to be makeup artists. Team 4 made their girl feel confident, but neglected to take her to the Cover Girl station. Instead they brought the products to her. Horrors. Team 2 was a little overzealous with Lexi, and it stressed out Sutan.
Elyssa and Sutan give the girls their evaluation. Sandra was very quiet, however team 1 spent a lot of time at the wall and really made the whole thing a big "tah-dah" experience for Lily. Yes, I'm sure she'll never be the same after this unique experience at a facsimile WalMart aisle. Team 2 was too frantic in their approach. Team 3 had amazing makeup skills, but fell short in the ambassador category. Team 4 did not use the wall. And so Team 1 wins! Aminat and Celia celebrate their victory and let Sandra bounce all around by herself. Sutan tells the haters that there will be more challenges. Which means more opportunity to mix up the haterade!
The girls head to dinner at an African restaurant called Merkato Fifty Five. Aminat, being of legal age, decides to order a drink. And really, wouldn't you need one by now? Out of nowhere Sandra busts out with, "You guys, don't get drunk." On the contrary, they should get drunk and fight and make out with each other and stuff! If this were Rock of Love, we wouldn't be having such a discussion. Aminat tells Sandra not to put her two cents in when nobody's asked for her opinion. Or, to put it more plainly, "Keep it cute, or put it on mute." Aminat tells Sandra that there's a difference between silly and dumb-assedness. Sandra, meanwhile, confessionalizes, "You know, you want to be America's Top Model but you act so... trashy." Aminat kind of sounds like she's slurring a little, but honestly I think her voice is just like that. She loudly says that people are so stupid sometimes, then appears to drink a shot as we head to commercials.
When we return, there is Tyra Mail! "How many models does it take to screw in a light bulb? I guess we'll find out tomorrow. Love, Tyra." Kortnie wonders if they'll be doing some construction work. I actually wouldn't put it past Tyra to have this sudden influx of free labor do the electrical work for her new condo. Sandra tells us that her plan is to maintain focus and not let the other bitches get her down.
The day the girls head to a dark alley where they meet Jay Manuel. He says that today is all about the lights, then flips a switch and illuminates himself dramatically. He always tells the girls to find the light, and today the girls will not only be focusing on the light but self-directing it. Jay self-directs the light so it reflects off of the sequins on his turtleneck. He is wearing a jacket made of crumpled up newspaper, which actually kind of suits him. There's another surprise, too -- the photographer for this shoot is Mr. Nigel Barker. Aminat notes that it kind of freaked her out to have Nigel as their photographer, since he is their judge and all. She's determined to let go of all the drama and have a good shoot. Nigel tells the girls that this is their opportunity to have some fun and show him what they've got.
The girls head to hair and makeup, and Tahlia tells us that the shoot has a rock n' roll theme. There's crazy hair and outrageous makeup and outfits in neon fur and purple leather. Tahlia, Nijah, Allison and Jessica are first to emerge, and Jay tells them that it's a group shoot. Nigel holds up contraptions that look like curling irons but that actually are lights that flash, and gives very brief instructions on how to use them. He tells them to remember to not only illuminate their faces but their clothes. The girls take their places atop a trash heap, and Tahlia is up first with the hand-held lights. She clearly has no clue as to what she's doing and is mostly just trying not to fall and cause herself further damage. Allison is and looks like she could fit the light into one of her wide-open crazy eyes and twitch her finger while saying, "Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrence." Nijah is disappointing to Nigel because while she's beautiful and has almost the same name as him, she lacks passion in her eyes. I'm sure this is just setting up a Tyra Banks dead eyes / fierce eyes lesson for later. Jessica gives us a tiny lesson on the importance of lighting, then manages to look like a little kid running around with a flashlight under her chin. I'm suddenly in the mood for s'mores and ghost stories. Jessica is a disappointment as well and doesn't feel the light like Nigel wishes she would.
Aminat, Kortnie, Sandra and Celia are . Aminat is the first to work with the lights, and the first to interview that there's a lot of pressure and she needs to step up her game. In bad news for Aminat, Celia is in the foreground and is doing a great job, thus upstaging Aminat. Aminat feels like crap. Sandra gives a big smile, because Aminat failing is like a coo and finger squeeze from the Baby Jesus. Celia is , and Jay wants her to bring the same kind of creativity that she had as an extra to her spot as the focus of the photo. She obliges. Nigel tells us that he was looking forward to shooting Celia and, indeed, she does not disappoint. She "got it." Sandra does not so much "get it," despite her determination to get herself out of the bottom two. Jay asks what she's thinking about, and she smiles blankly and says she's thinking about doing the best she can. Jay thinks she looks bored. Nigel tells her to add a little attitude, which doesn't seem like it should be a challenge. Her photos start to get better. Aminat is disappointed. Kortnie is a disaster. She sucks so hard that Nigel can't even bother to give her any direction. He just snaps as fast as he can to get through however many frames he has to bang out. If the photographer's not inspired, says Jay, that means Tyra's not going to be inspired. And when Tyra's not inspired, you get Cycles 6 through 12.
Teyona, Natalie, London and Fo are the last group to go. Jay tells them that the other girls have been underwhelming and he's never seen Nigel so uninspired. London goes first and tells us how unnatural it feels to light yourself when you're also trying to pose. This shoot does require dexterity of the walking / chewing gum variety that I could see being a challenge. London seems to do an okay job, but it is Teyona, up , who really shines. Jay tells us that she was genius and really knew how to light herself and pose. Fo is , and is still hung up about her makeover. Nigel can tell. Fo interviews that she doesn't know how to work with the hair and can't get over the fact that it's so short. Jay notes that Fo was emotional on makeover day and asks if she feels like they've stripped away her femininity. Fo cops to feeling kinda butch. She interviews that she feels like Plain Jane's brother. That is pretty sad. She starts tearing up on the shoot even as she resolves to work it out. Jay gives an exasperated sigh and tells us that Fo's short hair gives her an edge and makes her look taller. It's true that she looks great and has the face to carry it off. Natalie is and keeps her perfect streak alive for the week. And that's a wrap!
When the girls return home there is Tyra Mail. Someone's getting, as Kortnie phrases it, the "chop chop chop chop." Aminat is a little worried because her photo shoot was boring. Fo is also nervous. She admits to crying when Jay brought up her hair at the shoot. She doesn't feel pretty, and if she gets the boot to boot she'll basically have nothing to live for. Reflect on that as we head to commercials.
When enter judging with a continuation of the Tale of the Benevolent Supermodel: "Once there lived a supermodel who wanted to guide future girls. So she broke out The Rules to Owning Your Inner Fierceness. When beauty is reflected, beauty is perfected." I think all this means that when Tyra looks in the mirror, she likes what she sees. As if we needed clarification on that. Tyra greets the girls, joking that she doesn't recognize anybody. Or maybe she's living a day in the life of an amnesiac for The Tyra Banks Show? "Kiss my forgetful ass!" Anyway, there are prizes, there are judges. Miss J.'s gimmick this season has to do with an ever expanding tie. Too bad it doesn't tighten around his neck each week until he finally passes out and is forced to be quiet. The guest judge for the week is a true blast from the past -- Mr. Nole Marin, who was a permanent judge on Cycles 3 and 4, along with his Pomeranian who did most of the thinking.
The judging begins! Tyra says emphatically that every model should know where her light is and how it hits her bone structure as she reminds us of the theme for the week. Fo is first to be evaluated, and Tyra tells her she looks absolutely stunning. Miss J. tells everyone how Fo cried and cried when she got her hair cut. Tyra says that any girl who gets all the hair chopped on Top Model should be flattered, because it means she thinks they have amazing bone structure and a strong face. Fo says she's thrilled to have her new hair, but Tyra doesn't believe her. At least she's making an attempt to fake it. Fo's photo is beautiful, but Nigel sighs and tells her that she let her makeover get the best of her. He asks the other judges if they can believe that she cried on his set whilst he was shooting her, then blamed it on her haircut. The fact that Fo cried about her makeover during the shoot makes Tyra question whether she should be a model. Because when you're a model, you look like someone else wants you to look, and you need to shut up about it. Nole tells her to step it up and swallow those tears. Fo softly says that she will.
Kortnie is . She lit herself from the side, which Paulina says is not the most flattering light. Nigel tells Kortnie that her problem was she couldn't get into the moment. Tyra says that she needs to get invested and feel it and make sound effects inside of herself, like she's a mute pervy heavy-breathing anonymous phone caller. Kortnie makes that very noise inside of herself, wonders why she feels so funny and gross, and is dismissed. there's Nijah, who is the first of the night to get a critique on her nightgown/doily-esque shirt. Tyra hopes she doesn't look so stupid when she's dressed by a team of professionals. Paulina tells Nijah that she looks like a beautiful corpse in her photo, and Miss J. adds that she could do so much more with her eyes. Tyra says, totally offended, "It's almost like you never heard the phrase 'smile with your eyes.'" It's almost like she never got instruction on tooching her booty. It's almost like she doesn't listen to the things that The Benevolent Supermodel tells her through the television. She is not long for this world.
London is and has good energy and movement, according to Tyra. Nigel loved her poses, and gives her "cue-dos" for being willing to "go there." This makes me reflect on how disappointing it is that London hasn't really gotten all Jesus-crazy on us yet. is Allision, who looks more like a dead twin ghost child than ever in her schoolgirl ensemble. Nigel says that she was fantastic, quirky and broken down. Nole says she's very exotic and alien-like. Allison giggles and says that's a terrible thing to be compared to, and Tyra pipes in that it's not, adding that people used to say she looked like E.T. And then she vaporized all those people with her eyes. Tyra adds, "I will phone home and you pay me." Everyone laughs, even though I'm not entirely certain that that makes sense. Then there's Sandra. There's a lot of light going on in the photo, says Paulina, but Sandra radiates dullness. Nigel adds that there's no tension. Tyra pokes him hard enough for us to hear and repeats, "Tension!" Tyra then demonstrates "no tension / tension," which is the new "dead eyes / alive eyes."
Celia is and gets a special shout out for looking fly at judging. Her photo elicits cries of, "Woooooork!" and "Faaaabulous!" Nigel says that when he was shooting other girls, he found himself focusing on Celia. Everyone goes, "Oooooooh!" Celia is for sure the drag queen of the season. I'm surprised no one's wagged a finger at her yet. Celia has expressions, energy and tension and the judges love her. is Jessica, who gives her hair a little fluff on her way to stand before the judges. Her photo shows up and the judges give "oooohs" of the bad variety. Nole puts it plainly by saying, "That's a ugly picture." Tyra tells Jessica that she has the wrong kind of tension in her mouth, and her eyes look mean instead of strong. She looks like a yeti. Apparently she didn't listen when Nigel told her that lighting from below was also known as "ghoul lighting," and can be very tough on a person.
is Tahlia. Nole tells her that she's not a model in her photo. She's a pretty girl holding a glow stick. Tyra tells her that she doesn't have tension either. No one talks about her scars, which I guess is a sign of progress. Then there's Natalie. She's wearing doily sleeves, and Nole asks if he's at grandma's house. No matter, though -- the judges LOVE her photo. Paulina congratulates her for looking like a model. Tyra likes how she's lighting the side of her face with an arm that's wrapped around her head. Natalie's streak of perfection continues! Teyona is , and Tyra notes immediately that her attempt to give Teyona an old Beverly Peele weave went horribly awry. They're going to redo it. Bad hair or no, Teyona rocked her photo and was the star of the shoot. The judges all love it. Tyra tells her not to rest on good critique and get lazy, as so many girls do. Last up is Aminat. Paulina thinks her photo is a good example of how to light yourself out of a picture. Miss J. says that she's doing the pose that all the black girls do in the hood. He knows this pose well and demonstrates it. Her face is a disaster too and, according to Nole, looks like a hush puppy. The shoe or the amorphous tasty battered blob? Either way, bad.
The judges deliberate. Fo let her makeover get to her, and needs to be grateful because without the hair, she ain't no model. Kortnie doesn't know how to work herself as a model, but might just need more time. London "went there" and "got it." Nijah is very beautiful, and the judges are disappointed that she's so dead. Sandra was lacking personality and Nole thinks that she should have sat on her glow stick. Allison's makeover is great, and is Tyra's poster child for the "Odd and Different Is Special" Foundation. Celia's picture is great, and she always looks like she's on the catwalk when she's at panel. This is a feat, given that some of these girls don't even look like they're on the catwalk when they're on the catwalk. Natalie's photo is one of Nole's favorites of the day. Tahlia wants to show how you can be a beautiful woman and have scars, but it's not coming from inside and Paulina's not buying it. Jessica is a disaster and looks like a monster. Miss J. says that it's still stuck in her head that she's the prettiest girl there, so she thinks she doesn't have to work hard at it. Teyona ruled. Aminat did the opposite of ruling. She's so ugly in her picture that Nole can't even look at it. That's some very direct constructive criticism. And with that, the judges have made up their minds.
Twelve beautifully made over women are standing before Tyra, but she only has eleven photos in her hands. And the first of those goes to Teyona, whose photo was the best of the week. Celia is to get a photo, followed by Allison, Natalie, London, Nijah, Tahlia, Sandra, Kortnie, and Aminat. This leaves Fo and Jessica in the bottom two. There's nothing wrong with a girl crying about losing her hair, but Fo needed to leave her tears in the salon. The judges question whether or not she has what it takes to be the chameleon she needs to be as a model. Jessica is very pretty, but the judges think that her "pretty" isn't translating to her photos. So who stays? Fo. Tyra loves to give a good pretty-girl-beatdown, so this wasn't unexpected. Tyra tells Jessica that as a model her job is to look better in pictures than she does in person. Jessica exit interviews that her elimination was a big surprise. She's not used to people giving her criticism or saying anything other than that she's beautiful. She appreciates the experience that she's had but plans to go home with her head held high since, in her own opinion, she's way prettier than some of the other girls there. Way to win sympathy points, Miss Monster. Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave!
week: Crazy walking times at Miss J.'s Charm School. And the girls play truth or dare, which is never a good idea.
Potes lights up her own life, Debby Boone style. She can be reached at potesypotes@gmail.com.
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