By Potes
As the final five continue their tenure in Rome, Fatima thinks she's all that while Katarzyna is universally considered to be the dullest dullard in Dullsville. The girls arrive at ancient ruins where they see gladiators -- including one lady gladiator! -- duking it out. They get some lessons in gladiatorocity, and learn how to fight with composure, elegance and fierceness using giant popsicle sticks. They change into gladiatrix attire thinking that their challenge might entail another pose-off, and so are surprised when they see the Jays, who tell them that this is a photo challenge. They each get five frames in which to be tough-pretty while wielding a sword against a very muscly armored man named Ferdinando. Fatima totally forgets all of her gladiator moves, while Dominique tries out some crazy body language. The winner of the challenge is Whitney, and she gets 1000 euro to spend on a shopping spree. She can either pick a friend or go by herself, but does the nice thing and shares her wealth with Anya.
The girls head to a castle and get dressed up like a bunch of crazy, frizzy-haired hos in a Renaissance meets rock n' roll themed shoot. That is photographed by Tyra. The greatest novice photographer in the history of the world! Her vision for the shoot is "Renaissance Italian woman who went to the club on Sunset Boulevard." Katarzyna doesn't quite get it, and manages to be dull even while walking like an Egyptian. Dominique is a fierce Cruella de Vil. She looks great, but still gets on everybody's damn nerves. Fatima and Anya work it, while Tyra has to give Whitney a lesson in dealing with her boobs. At panel, Tyra takes credit for all the good photos, because it's all about her! She used artificial light for the first time! Are you as amazed at her intuitive brilliance as I am? Anya and Fatima get raves, as does Dominique, to the surprise of everyone. In the end, it's Katarzya and Whitney in the bottom two, with Katarzyna predictably being sent home.
Hi, everybody. So, if you'll indulge me, I'm going to have a snark-free moment before the recap begins. Last week a friend of mine, Andrea Coller, passed away. I knew Andrea from a writing retreat that I attend about twice a year, and I was always blown away by how talented she was. A few months ago, Andrea learned that she had won Glamour magazine's non-fiction writing contest. Her essay about living with cancer, along with a short interview, came out a few days ago. If you are so inclined, please pick up the magazine (May issue) or read her piece online here. It is, as every bit of her writing I had the privilege of hearing, absolutely stunning.
Okay, now down to business. Previously on ANTM: Rome! The girls moved into their phat pad (how do you say that in Italian?) and Fatima wasted no time in contracting the Italian flu. A Cover Girl commercial in Italian proved to be a big challenge for Dominique, Anya, and Whitney, but Fatima and Katarzyna were easy and breezy. Poor Lauren got an extra helping of awkwardness with Alfredo sauce, and was sent home with the sturdy advice that she should stick to the non-speaking type of modeling. Five bitches remain!
It is evening in Rome. The girls return home after elimination. Whitney reminds us that she was in the final two at judging, and that the panel found her very fake in her commercial. She tells us that it's nerves that bring all that fakeness to the surface, and it's something she's going to have to change. Whitney tells Anya that she always feels like she's going to break down in tears at panel. Anya, who is smarter than I give her credit for, tells Whitney that that's what the panel wants to see -- emotion. The more breakdown-like/groveling it is, the better your chances of survival. Fatima interviews that Whitney's freaking out. Fatima could care less, because she's fixated on how well her commercial went. She thinks she's a natural, and that she's been improving a lot. It's quite a feat to improve so much that you become a natural, isn't it? Dominique asks Fatima who her competition is, and Fatima smiles blankly and says she has no competition. Dominique notes that this is true in Fatimaland, which is ruled by Princess Fatima and has no other inhabitants. Except for the unicorns, of course, for transportation. Fatima notes that her continuous improvement is threatening to the other girls.
Katarzyna tells us that the competition is getting more difficult, and everyone is pretty much neck and neck. I guess this means all the no-neck monsters have been eliminated. The panel has been telling Katarzyna to be more personable, so that's what she's going to do. Or, try to do. A few of the girls sit around and gossip, and Fatima notes that the judges are totally dead-on in their critiques. Like, for example, how they say Katarzyna doesn't have a personality. Whitney laughs and admits that she agrees with that. Katarzyna is so personality deprived that Fatima couldn't even remember her when she was going through a mental list of all the girls. I thought only Tyra was allowed to make that bogus claim. Fatima interviews that Katarzyna should be behind a desk, crunching numbers as an accountant. In a porno. I mean, right? Hottest accountant ever. In any case, this is what Katarzyna gets for being sweet and humble and unassuming.
Katarzyna tells us that the competition is getting more difficult, and everyone is pretty much neck and neck. I guess this means all the no-neck monsters have been eliminated. The panel has been telling Katarzyna to be more personable, so that's what she's going to do. Or, try to do. A few of the girls sit around and gossip, and Fatima notes that the judges are totally dead-on in their critiques. Like, for example, how they say Katarzyna doesn't have a personality. Whitney laughs and admits that she agrees with that. Katarzyna is so personality deprived that Fatima couldn't even remember her when she was going through a mental list of all the girls. I thought only Tyra was allowed to make that bogus claim. Fatima interviews that Katarzyna should be behind a desk, crunching numbers as an accountant. In a porno. I mean, right? Hottest accountant ever. In any case, this is what Katarzyna gets for being sweet and humble and unassuming.
Tyra Lisa Mail! "In Rome, you must fight for the masses if you want to pose for the classes. Love, Tyra." As Dominique stands there with a sleep mask on her forehead, Anya wonders what it all means. The morning the girls head to some ancient ruins where they find a really tough looking gladiator lady attempting to beat the crap out of a gladiator dude. They're not, like, American Gladiators in spandex and shit. They have rusty kitchen knives and shields and armor that covers their arms but not their backs. Authentic! Whitney loves the violence. Fatima doesn't, though. She wants the gladiators to keep their distance. The female gladiator totally kicks the shit out of some dude, and with that, we're off.
Alex Mariotti introduces himself to the girls. He's a fight instructor at the Gladiator School of Rome. How would you like to put that on your resume? He's going to train the girls how to fight like gladiators and kick a bit of ass. Dominique crazy-interviews that she hopes she and Whitney are paired up so she can kick some ass. She then says she's just joking and has nothing against Whitney but rolls her crazy eyes in a way that negates all of her claims. Alex wants to see composure and elegance from the girls at the same time as fierceness and toughness.
The girls get giant popsicle sticks during their training. A wise move, as I'd hate to see the lawsuit resulting from putting a rusty knife in Dominique's hand. Whitney likes her nose very much, thank you. The girls go through a series of moves, in which they mock-stab their opponent in the neck and stomach and anywhere else that might cause some damage. Fatima is having a hard time learning all the moves, but Katarzyna says she's having fun even though it's hard to maintain your model face as you engage in gladiator combat. The girls try going head to head, and Dominique is frustrated that Fatima doesn't know what she's doing. She says that with Fatima things go in one ear and out the other. For her part, Fatima is quite happy to let out some of her aggression on Dominique. With each stab of her popsicle stick she is thinking, "Go home, bitch!" All I am thinking is fudgesicles are delicious. Fatima cracks herself up. She seems to scare Dominique a little bit.
The girls head off to get into their gladiator wardrobe. When they return, looking crunk as hell, they see the Jays. Mr. Jay is wearing a bright orange leather jacket. That's like camouflage for him. He explains that during photo shoots, he has been asking for very specific body language and facial expressions, and getting frustrated. Then at panel, Tyra tells the girls to be more strong and modelesque, with attitude. So today, the challenge will be to see if the girls have learned to be strong and aggressive while still keeping their pretty model faces. Hopefully, says Jay, they can bring this to their photo shoot...which is going to be now! This is a photo challenge, and the girls will demonstrate some of their battle moves against an opponent...who will be determined after the commercial! Maybe it's Bigfoot! Or Janice Dickinson. It's hard to figure out which of those two you'd choose to face in the old gladiator ring, isn't it?
When we return, the girls learn that their competitor in the ring will be none other than a hunky, roaring gladiator named Ferdinando. Whitney calls him a huge, monstrous, ogre-like being. Girl, just be glad you were spared La Dickinson. Jay explains that each girl will only get five frames in the competition, and in them they need to demonstrate what they learned at Gladiator School. They also need to keep it modelesque. Miss J. says for the 105th time, "This is a photo challenge." I know the girls aren't the brightest bulbs, but jeez. Anya volunteers to go first. She is a natural in her iron skirt. Photographer Marianna Bertagnolli shoots her, and Jay tells her that she looks cute. Anya interviews that the whole thing was pretty easy -- she just had to remember the fierce move/model pose combination. If all else fails, Anya could try to slice the gladiator's s tomach open with her shoulderblades.
Katarzyna is up , and Miss J. reminds her to keep herself open toward the camera. Katarzyna interviews that she's nervous for this challenge because she really wants to impress Miss J., particularly after the judges told her to be more lively and alive in front of the camera. The Jays are too bored to really give her any feedback, and so close her shoot with a halfhearted, "Good job." Whitney is , and without too many clothes on (and when she's not standing to the other bitches) a person marvels that she's considered plus-sized. She interviews that it's really not that difficult to find the modeling poses, the challenging part is bringing grace and poise to what you're doing. The Jays whisper about how great it is that she's keeping her body open. Dominique points out that Whitney looked like Xena's sidekick. But Dominique doesn't mean this as an insult -- her best friend is a lesbian. She does acknowledge that Whitney did great on her shoot and is very comfortable in her own skin.
up is Fatima. She is a bag of bones in a suit of armor. Fatima interviews that she was scared of Ferdinando, so when she fought him she forgot all of the moves she learned earlier. Yeah, I'm sure Ferdinando is a real menace and totally going for blood. Guess the consulate didn't include "one free believable excuse" with her passport. The Jays look confounded. Fatima says she was trying to hold the sword and be elegant, but basically she just wanted to get out of there. Well, that's the spirit. Jay tells Fatima to open herself a little to the camera. Fatima nods, then continues to do exactly what she was doing. Jay is not pleased. Finally, we have Dominique. Miss J. waves his hand in front of his face and goes, "Girl, remember, look...all this!" They're speaking in drag queen code again. Dominique interviews that she wanted to do something different in her photo shoot, to stand out from the other girls. Thus, she balances on one leg with her sword behind her head. Whitney laughs. She says that it doesn't make sense to have the face of a gladiatrix and the body of a model posing for a Vogue spread on the hot new trend of one-leggedness. For her final shot, Dominique goes a little more traditional and Miss J. just says, "Temple of Doom."
The Jays give the girls their critiques. Anya really did the poses that she was taught earlier in the day. Miss J. says that, as a judge, that's the kind of thing that he looks for -- that she takes direction well and actually applies it. Katarzyna's shot made it look like the sword was so heavy that weakling her couldn't wield it against a giant ogre. A stronger stance, says Jay, would have totally changed her photo. Whitney did a good job. She kept herself open to the camera, and was also very comfortable and very unafraid. Have I mentioned that Whitney is wearing a metal headband with a little dagger-looking thing hanging down between her two eyes? It's pretty hilarious that the Jays can keep a straight face when talking to her. Fatima's body was crazy. Her arms were crossed over her face and her legs were all weird, and she closed herself off to the camera even after Jay told her not to. Not good. Dominique's face was really pretty. She got the modeling side of the challenge, but forgot about the gladiator side. It was her prettiest shoot to date, but it was not what was asked of her.
Jay explains that two girls were at the top of the pack, but of course it's a challenge so only one can win. The winner gets 1,000 Euro to go shopping in Rome. But there's a twist -- the winner can pick one friend to go shopping with and split the money, or she can opt to go by herself and keep all the money for herself. Oh, please pick Dominique, just to see what she does! But alas, the winner is Whitney. She's thrilled, and after a moment of thought decides to take Anya with her on the shopping spree. Anya is quite excited as well. We get a little footage of the two of them shopping on the streets of Rome, and Anya tells us how kind it was of Whitney to invite her along. They get so much stuff that they're clearly going to have to buy extra luggage to bring it back stateside.
Tyra Lisa Mail! "By now your inexperience should be a thing of the past. Love, Tyra." The girls head off in their little mini-bus to a castle. Not a White Castle, a castle-castle. They enter the courtyard, where Jay greets them. He tells them that the castle is over 600 years old, and that the frescoes painted everywhere inside are from the Renaissance period. So today, they will be doing their own interpretation of the Renaissance. I guess that's why Jay is wearing a tweed suit jacket over a strappy, suede and shearling coat with all sorts of buckles around the neck.
The girls go to hair and makeup, where they are put in postmodern clown wigs. Oddly enough, the look suits most of them. Katarzyna sasses Sutan, hoping that word of her burgeoning personality will make its way to the judges. And then a door opens. Who should emerge but Tyra, camera in hand. She tells the girls that mama is in charge today, and mama's going to be taking her baby's pictures. Oh, just send your babies to Olan Mills. The girls' reaction has considerably less squealing than normal, in part because they are scared shitless. As Tyra calls Katarzyna to be first, Whitney interviews that being shot by Tyra is huge. If you mess up in front of Tyra, it's going to come back to panel, and you are going home. Fatima says that it's very important for her to impress Tyra, because she did so poorly at the photo shoot challenge. With emphasis on the fact that there is no room for mistakes, we head to commercials.
And speaking of mistakes, it's Saleisha's My Life as a Cover Girl. Saleisha monotones that her first fashion week has been crazy. She went on a casting for Pink Tartan -- or as she calls it, Pink Tar-enn. It's a Canadian sportswear line. Then Saleisha walked in a show for a young designer named Jose Duran. Both designers are thrilled to have their lines mentioned in a national commercial, I'm sure, even if it meant having to endure Saleisha for half an hour.
When we return, Katarzyna says that she's really nervous to shoot in front of Tyra, and that she's going to work on being more alive in front of the camera. She asks Tyra what her vision for the shoot is. Tyra's vision is exaggeration. Imagine. She expounds on this on-the-spot vision: "So, exaggeration of an Italian Renaissance woman that went to the cluuuuub up on Sunset Boulevard." See, if Tyra had shot Miley Cyrus for Vanity Fair, we'd be having none of this all-consuming hullabaloo. Tyra tells Katarzyna to really exaggerate her arms. She asks for more and more, but Kat isn't quite getting it. Tyra, who enjoys taking photographs while laying down on the floor, gets up and shows her that exaggeration is spinning around like a ballerina pirate while going, "La! La!" Got it?
Sadly, Katarzyna still struggles and Tyra and Jay keep asking her to give more. Jay wants her to think Leonardo Da Vinci, not "holding a pizza pie." Katarzyna has one hand out flat by her head, and Tyra tells her that she's not walking like an Egyptian. Everything needs to feel like a beautiful dance. That is not the "Walk Like an Egyptian" dance. Tyra again tells us that this is not a Bangles video, and Jay mentions to Tyra that Katarzyna isn't comfortable, and doesn't know where to place her hands. If they were in Egypt, Tyra says, Katarzyna would be perfect. Yeah, because they totally do that pose in Egypt all the time. It's like she jumped off of the side of a sarcophagus.
up is Dominique. Now more than ever, her whack looking exterior adequately represents what's on the inside. Jay tells her that he loves the look, but wants her to be careful not to come out looking like Cruella de Vil. He nailed it with that one. He advises her not to let the outfit wear her. Dominique, having had a bad performance in her commercial last week, knows that she has to nail it this week. And, interestingly enough, she does. Jay says that Dominique came to set with a mission. Tyra thinks she looked look a monster, but it translated to fashion. Dominique's performance was so good that Tyra asks her for a high five AND a low five. I don't see that what Dominique was doing was that radically different from Katarzyna, but what do I know.
Dominique is on top of the world. She goes back to the hair and makeup area and brags that she was a real high-fashion model and Tyra took her pictures. This is a real slap in the face to everyone else in America, she says, because nobody else can say that Tyra took their pictures. Except for the other four bitches in the room with you, jerk face. But color me slapped, I guess. Dominique brags that Tyra loves her. Really, I think that Tyra was just shocked that Dominique wasn't horrible as expected. Fatima interviews that Dominique knows how to pose. Does that make Fatima feel like Dominique is her competition? Not at all. It all comes down to who looks like a model, Fatima says, and Dominique doesn't look like a model at all. That is super bitchy, but also true. The truth is often super bitchy, I find.
Speaking of Fatima, she's . Jay doesn't want her to spend ten minutes on every frame, per usual. Jay reminds us that Fatima was one of the worst at this week's challenge. He tells her not to overthink each one, but rather just get into the flow of it. She is able to do this, and gets praise from Tyra. She goes into a pose so great that Jay is forced to scream, "Oh! Oh Lord!" I have to say, the Renaissance meets Sunset Boulevard look really works for Fatima. Jay apologizes to Fatima for having doubted her. After her last frame, Tyra gives her the highest form of compliment -- the gay finger wave. Tyra tells us that Fatima looked like a prima ballerina.
Then we have Whitney, who looks like she just walked out of a Renaissance Italian whorehouse. Whitney is not nervous to shoot with Tyra, because she takes really good direction. She doesn't think it will be a problem. Sadly for her, it's a problem. Jay wants her to lose her Mae West vibe. Tyra explains that girls with boobies need to make it a little concave to get to a fashion shot. She says that Whitney got stuck. She kept doing the same thing -- namely, pushing out her chest -- and it was pretty, but it wasn't high fashion. She invents the mantra, "More fashion, less sex," and wants Whitney to take the hooch away. Jay tells Tyra that she wasn't very excited about Whitney and, in fact, was more excited about Dominique. Tyra acknowledges that this is weird.
Finally, we have Anya. Tyra tells her that she wants very exaggerated poses, which is something Anya knows about since she won the posing challenge with Tyra. You know, the "work it like you have menstrual cramps!" one. Tyra tells her to think, "Renaissance meets rock star," with a side of elegance. Tyra tells us that Anya gave her poses. She's very comfortable with her body, and she understands her angles. Other than that, there's not much fanfare. With that, the shoot is over. Tyra tells us that the girls have come really far since the beginning of the competition, but a couple have slithered. When she says, "slithered," she slithers down out of the camera frame. Jay is like, "Bitches, you don't know the half of what I have to put up with when the cameras are turned off."
At home, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home. Fatima is not nervous about panel this week. She thinks she's going to be called first again, and some people are going to hate her. More. And she loves it. Katarzyna is nervous. In the beginning, she says, she was able to pinpoint the people who were going home, but at this point in the competition it could be anyone. But mostly her. If Katarzyna had the benefit of seeing her edit, she might be a little more wise to this fact. Whitney is also worried, since she didn't have a phenomenal photo shoot. Anya says that her shoot didn't get particularly high praise from Tyra either, and the only one she really loved was Dominique. Fatima shoots daggers with her eyes, and we head to commercials.
Panel! And Tyra looks good again! I guess the freedom to eat spaghetti without guilt is really agreeing with her. She greets the girls with a serious, "Bon soir," before realizing that she's a dumb-ass. Paris one day, Rome the , blah blah blah. There are prizes, there are judges. There does not appear to be a guest judge. They probably tried Ferdinando, but he couldn't fit in the seat and so just kept trying to stab Nigel.
we have Katarzyna. Nigel thinks it's a very pretty picture. The lighting's good, the hair's good, the styling's good. But is Katarzyna punching through? Not quite. Miss J. says that it had potential to be a great picture, but there's something missing. Paulina thinks that the problem is Katarzyna's face -- she's giving a haughty high fashion look that would typically work in that shot, but she just looks sleepy or bored. She needs to push it a step further. Tyra tells Katarzyna that she has so much potential, but just gets stuck. Again, she needs to push it. Katarzyna repeats what the judges have all said, which probably doesn't go far in proving to them that she has an actual personality.
Finally, there's Whitney. Miss J. points out that Whitney was the challenge winner. J. thinks that her picture is good, but he expected a whole lot more. So did Paulina. Whitney's body looks beautiful, but she's staring into the light and it makes her look mad. Like, crazy mad. Nigel adds that they can't see her eyes, and Paulina points out that you want to look up at the light but then move your eyes sideways. Otherwise, it looks like they're rolling into the back of your head. Pretty. Tyra thinks that Whitney is interesting. She's so beautiful to Tyra's eye, but then on set she kept pushing out her boobs and her booty. She's photogenic, but she got stuck in that mode.
The judges deliberate. Anya delivered, and is just getting better and better. However, Nigel thinks she has a very weak personality. I think he means "dumb." Nigel thinks she can be a great model, but he's not sure if she can be a top model and stand up and represent America. Whitney is so beautiful in real life, says Paulina, but she doesn't come across as beautiful in photos. Nigel thinks there's a lot to Whitney, and not just in terms of body mass. She's happy to be there, confident and has a personality, and that's the kind of thing that makes her rounded and interesting and ultimately a good model. I love that he used the word "rounded." Nigel's subconscious won't cut him any slack. Dominique has gotten better and better, and has more interesting angles in her face in photos than she does in real life. Nigel points out that Katarzyna and Dominique are almost opposites. Basically, he thinks that Dominique is a hot mess in person, but is trying to make it happen in her photos. Tyra asks if Dominique could get booked, and Nigel says she couldn't given the way she looks right now. He calls her "game show-ish." What does that even mean? Miss J. thinks that Fatima's picture is great, but the more the judges say how fabulous she is, the more she rests on her laurels. Tyra notes that she has a gorgeous face, and it's pretty hard to trump that. Katarzyna doesn't work with her eyes, says Paulina, but rather is thinking too much. Miss J. agrees that Katarzyna is always working with her brain. Tyra says that this is why there are so many dumb-ass models, because the fashion people like it. Paulina just replies, "I want them to be dumb." What is even happening right now?
The girls return. There are five lovely ladies, and only four photos. You know the drill. Fatima is called first, much to her delight, followed by Dominique and Anya. This, of course, means that Whitney and Katarzyna are in the bottom two. It kills Tyra, because she feels particularly maternal towards them after taking their photos. She is at best a really shady foster parent. Katarzyna is stunning and gorgeous, but the judges feel like she's coasting along. Her pictures are nice, but not fantastic. Her personality is nice, but it doesn't stick out. And then there's Whitney. She's got a banging body and gorgeous face. She's been taking strong pictures and even won the challenge this week. However, the judges wonder if they've truly seen the stunningness in her photos that they've seen in person. She's stuck. But the judges will unstuck her for at least another week. She's safe, and Katarzyna is sent home.
Katarzyna whispers to Tyra that she's inspirational. Oh. Lord. Maybe she's in shock. Katarzyna tells us that she's disappointed, but she's had a hell of a ride. It's been an amazing experience and she's learned so much. She's proud of herself for making it this far. She also thinks it's unfortunate for her that the judges never really got to know her, however it's not going to stop her from doing great things in the future. Great things with other people's taxes. Seriously, though, she was the prettiest. Good luck, Katarzyna! Hopefully other people in the world will pronounce your name correctly.
week: Dominique gets crazier, and it appears that Nigel is behind the lens!