It's time for the girls to pack their bags, y'all, because they're going to Sydney, Australia! Can you hear, can you hear the thunder? It's almost as loud as the sound of Tyra's wig falling off when she emerges from a kangaroo costume. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, the girls get a lesson in interviewing techniques from Season 2's April and her friend, who shall be called Small Fry. They get to put those skills, such as they are, to use when they are challenged to interview Sydney locals about American fashion faux pas while throwing in a healthy heaping of Aussie slang. The winner gets to serve as a correspondent on The Tyra Banks Show. And it is...Natasha! She rules the challenge as well as the Cover Girl commercial shoot, which takes the place of a photo shoot this week. The girls have to speak with an Australian accent in the commercial, and Renee uses the opportunity to give Steve Irwin an easy, breezy, beautiful eulogy of sorts. Dionne and Jaslene are somewhat middling. Jaslene, at the very least, gets through her lines without cue cards, but displays an unsettling amount of frown lines. Jael is predictably not the greatest, and Brittany also has a difficult time, due in part to a car accident that left her with eight staples in her head and a compromised short-term memory. I know! Top Model is really rolling out the tragedies this year, isn't it? In any case, the judges feel a little bit bad for Brittany, but agree that she has to figure out a way to get the job done and/or toughen up a bit, so she lands in the bottom two. However, much to Twiggy's endless delight, it is Jael's turn to go home and leave the rest of us unprotected against the evil ducks of the universe.
Previously on ANTM: Dionne and Renee reunited with their whiny brats and various other assorted family members. Several ANTM has-beens came back for the week's photo shoot in a sort of genetically blessed reunion (but without Great-Uncle Ernie playing the ukulele, which is what always happens at my family reunions). Natasha rocked it even with fake dots of flesh-eating bacteria all over her face, Jael fell flat in her attempt at recreating a Vagus-nerve-induced fainting spell, and Whitney was let loose to no longer terrorize the world of modeling. Six bitches remain!
We enter with Jael and Jaslene talking. Jael says that something -- we are to deduce that it is the experience of being on Top Model -- is awesome. Jaslene says that it's getting harder and she's trying her ass off, but she doesn't like hearing that she's going down, down, down. Under! Oh, sorry, I thought we were playing Password. Jaslene tells Jael that she thinks they're making it harder for her. Okay, first of all, who are "they," and why does this mysterious "they" have something against Jaslene? Is it the voices in her head, or the little angel/devil drag queens on her shoulders? Jaslene interviews that she needs to step up her game and says that the pressure is on all the time.
Brittany tells us that it's exciting to be in the final six. She's halfway through, she says, and she did a good job. She says that she guesses she needs to stand out. Hmm, methinks it might be time to pull out a long-lost personal tragedy! Natasha tells Jael that in Moscow, she had so many friends, and they would go out all the time. Jael asks if there are a lot of pretty girls in Moscow, and Natasha answers in the affirmative. Is Jael now looking for a low-cost wife? Natasha interviews that growing up in Moscow, she always believed that she could do something bigger than marrying some guy from the door. So she married some guy from the Texas instead. Natasha says that she feels so strong, and like she doesn't have any competition. She tells Jael that American girls are pretty, but in a different way. You know, a kind of generically unattractive way. Jael says that everyone in the house is eccentric, and that's why she thinks she deserves to be there. Yeah, but it's not called America's Top Eccentric, is it? Jael has complete faith in herself, because she is the spreader of light. Light's not all she's spreading, if you catch my drift. There's a whole long list of things, of which bacteria is most definitely first.
Tyra Mail! Jael, decked out in a red tutu, reads it. "Trust me, talking to people every day isn't as easy as it looks. Love, Tyra." If you were basing your opinions about talking to people on The Tyra Banks Show, I would imagine you would think talking to people every day is stupid and inconsequential, even if you do it with an air of self-righteousness. You might also think that telling people to kiss your fat ass is an okay conversational tactic, which, really, it is not. ["Now you tell me." -- Miss Alli]
The day, the girls get a knock on their door. It's April, from Season 2. Even years later and wearing a sequined tank top, she still looks too technical. April tells the girls that she's been working as a model in the U.S. and abroad. But the most exciting thing that she's gotten to do is be a correspondent for the TV show Miami Vibe. Okay, is this a real show or just some YouTube thing that she made up? Because it looks hella-cheesy either way. And maybe like a porno. April says that to be a model today, you need to be a jack-of-all-trades. No you don't! You just need to stand there and look pretty. I hate when they perpetuate false stereotypes. Anyway, April is there to prepare them to do jack. Jaslene says that she's had a lot of problems, because her Spanish accent is so thick, and she wants to learn to talk good.
April tells the girls that, as interviewers, there are a few different kinds of interviewees that they might encounter. One is the person who just won't shut up. Another is the person who won't talk at all. April has brought her good friend, the vertically challenged actor and comedian Gary Riotto, to help demonstrate what a good interview is and isn't. Jael interviews that she knows how to talk to anyone about anything, because she's fearless and has a lot to say. Too bad 70% of it is completely unintelligible -- otherwise she might have a shot. April and Gary demonstrate the two types of interviews described above, and April gives the girls tips on how to overcome your crappy interviewee.
Then, it is the girls' turn to give it a try. Jaslene says that she's nervous and doesn't know how to interview people, and that at times she just loses her words and goes blank. We see this in action as she tries to interview Brittany. April tells the girls that dead air is no good. Natasha interviews that, of all the girls, she has the most potential to be a correspondent, because she has the look and knows how to talk. She interviews Renee and does okay, and then Renee interviews her. Renee starts to talk over Natasha's response, and Natasha is all, "Bitch, I didn't finish my sentence." April says that both of the girls were very engaged, and that she's sensing a ping-pong. That's funny, because I'm sensing a ding-dong.
Dionne and Jael are . Dionne asks Jael if she was scared and nervous being in the bottom two, and Jael says no, because she's completely fearless and is the queen of the world and is going to kick everyone else's butt. Like, how does Jael order a sandwich at the deli? I'm just amazed that she can get through day-to-day life. Jael then interviews Dionne, and the two kind of seem to get into it. As Natasha says, "Dionne and Jael are having a really, really hot talk." When she looks at them, she imagines two cats that are ready to jump on each other. This is clearly to Natasha's great delight, as the smile when she says it looks like it's about to crack her face in two. Jael asks Dionne if she thinks she deserves to be there, and Dionne says, "Hay-ell yes I think I deserve to be here, and I KNOW I deserve to be here." Jael says that Dionne hasn't won the contest yet, and Gary has to start fanning himself. Too hot for The CW! April tells the girls to be themselves, and not try to sound like what they think a host should be. Tomorrow, April says, she will tell them what their interview-related challenge will be.
Back at home, the girls are in the pool splashing around and throwing little plastic balls at each other. It's like they're at Chuck E. Cheese, but with more jiggling. Jael says that all the girls in the house are very important to her, and she loves it there. Renee interviews that she and Jael have had differences in the past, but they can always separate and vent. In the pool, Renee gives Jael a big kiss on the cheek. She says that they're back on track, and she's just letting Jael be Jael. In other words, like a kid who has to wear a helmet to go to school. However, Renee says, she doesn't know if Jael has what it takes to be a model.
The day, April meets with the girls and robotically says that she's enjoyed teaching them all she's learned about corresponding. She taught them two things! I guess that's all you need to know as the host of Miami Vibe. Now they can take all their new knowledge and hit the streets, says April. And just then, someone in what looks to be a big dog costume comes hopping in. But it is not a dog costume, it's a kangaroo costume. And who is inside but Tyra! She whips her costume head off and tells the girls that they're going to Sydney, Australia. Yaaaaay! But what's even more exciting is that when she whips off the kangaroo head, her do-rag comes with it, and she feverishly tries to keep it atop her head because, I am assuming, she is bald as Telly Savalas.
Jaslene interviews that she's excited, because she's "never been nowhere besides the hood and around the corner." Renee interviews for no reason that the great thing about Tyra is that she can be wearing a ratty, worn-down kangaroo costume and still look stunning. She can look stunning when her wig falls off, even. She's truly an inspiration to us all. Tyra tells the girls that they'll be doing the correspondent job in Australia. At this, Natasha lets out the hugest, squealiest scream. She totally didn't understand what Tyra was saying the first time around. That's SO Nata! The winner of the challenge will have her bit aired on The Tyra Banks Show and will even appear as a correspondent more than once. The girls do a little Australia dance as we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls are packing. Jael finds a tampon in her closet, and proceeds to throw it at Brittany. Jael interviews that this is like a bunch of friends winning a free trip to Australia. I imagine there will be a lot of flushing the toilet to see if it really goes the other way, with the eventual determination that no one actually remembers which directions toilets flush in the States. A little white and pink Top Model plane takes us on a journey from Los Angeles to Sydney. And then we are in Sydney, which is truly one of the most beautiful cities in existence. There is Sydney Harbor Bridge, and the Opera House, and Bondi Beach, and the glorious ocean. Not featured is one scenic staple of my time studying abroad in Sydney, which is known as "Dollar Schooner Night." Natasha narrates the girls' entrance to Sydney thusly, "We arrive in Sydney, and I was so excited to come to Australia. You know, somebody has a dream to go to Japan. Someone is crazy about The Tibet. I was crazy about Australia." This is all set to the dulcet tones of a didgeridoo, mind you, which gives the whole interview a very "one pill makes you larger" effect.
Outside of the airport, the girls meet Erika Heynatz, a model, a TV presenter, and the original host of Australia's Top Model. And, I've just discovered, the winner of an Australian TV show called It Takes Two, which is like Dancing with the Stars, but with singing! When Tyra finds that out, I bet she'll want to eat her wig, and then will play it off by convincing Erika that Shake Ya Body (Body) was a huge hit everywhere except Australia, where people aren't attuned to the more subtle R&B stylings. Erika tells the girls that they must be knackered from their flight, and that as a top model you have to be able to walk straight off of a plane and onto location. Thus, no mucking around -- the girls are going straight into the hard yakka, and Erika's sending them off to have a crack at chewing the fat with the locals. Crickets chirp, and Jaslene has the biggest ever "WTF?" look on her face. Erika reveals that she's been talking to them in true blue Aussie slang. The girls' challenge for the day is to do a bunch of interviews and incorporate as much Aussie slang into them as possible. The focus of the interviews will be "American fashion faux pas." Perhaps they will bring Tyra along for a visual.
The girls get the Aussie Slang Bible to study before they set to task. Brittany interviews that she's nervous, because of her short-term memory. When she was in high school, she tells us, she was run over by a car. Shut UP! How have we not heard this before? She had eight staples in her head, and it affected the memory part of her brain. Ahh, maybe that's why she seemed to forget that she hated Renee for a minute. Huh. It seems like a legit personal tragedy, though I don't know why it wouldn't have affected her memorization of the script for last week's acting challenge. Weird! Anyway, we'll hear more about this later. Dionne is just mad that they have to go straight on assignment after that crazy-ass plane ride. For reals. They must be tired.
Renee goes to her first interview at Bondi beach and uses the word "avro," which means afternoon, and she gets an immediate point on the slang-o-meter. She gets a few more points, and we learn that Australians think that (a) you should not wear flip-flops with an expensive outfit; and (b) underwear needs to be kept inside the pants. Dionne has a rough time with the slang, but she gets four or five points on the "that's-cool-o-meter." "That's cool" is apparently one of Dionne's signature phrases, along with, "Fucking lesbo." Jael's interview teases out the fact that Aussie women are more fashionable than American women because they are more apt to go topless at the beach. Jael is all about that. Brittany interviews an American woman who says that a big faux pas is women wearing skimpy shirts with their bra straps showing. Which is exactly what Brittany is wearing right at that moment. Awesome!
Jaslene asks a guy if he's wearing daks -- also known as boxers to us yanks -- and then asks to see them. Bold! Jaslene says that the guy is a dag, or funny person. Natasha uses a whole bunch of slang words, and in the process, she asks a dude if he wears lipstick and calls him "cactus," or dead. There's that fabled Soviet charm for you. Meanwhile, Jael still thinks she's good at talking to people, and Dionne has a nine on the "that's-cool-o-meter" but has used zero slang. We get a transitional shot of the Sydney Harbor Bridge, and an orange boat called "Wallenius Wilhelmsen" passes underneath. I imagine this is the name of the original Wholahay's husband.
The girls meet back up with Erika, who tells them that they won't know the winner of the competition until the panel. They do, however, deserve some rest, so they get a big-ass key to their new apartment, which is of course gorgeous. For no apparent reason other than to flash back, Jaslene notes that there are pictures of CariDee all over the house. Oh, CariDee. So pretty. Natasha tells us that there are six girls, but there can only be one winner. This is the "break point" of the competition, she says, when people have to get serious. Natasha probably thinks this means that they need to order satellite radio. Jael talks to Renee about who has and hasn't been in the bottom two. Jael has been in the bottom two twice. Renee says that the only people who haven't been in the bottom three are her and Brittany. There technically is no bottom three, and that was an assy thing to say. Brittany tells us that she thinks she can have what it takes to be America's Top Model, but still thinks she has a bit to learn. With this, we head to commerc-os.
When we return, there is Aussie Tyra Mail. "G'Day! Are you ready to put up your dukes? Love, Tyra." The girls speculate that they'll be boxing kangaroos. I hope the kangaroos rough them up a little.
The girls head to a giant park or wilderness preserve or something, where they meet Jay Manuel. He is dressed in a camouflage tee, and over it he wears a button-down shirt with the collar up. It's like a walking argument for not letting gays in the military. He tells them that instead of the standard photo shoot for the day, the girls are going to have to do a commercial. The twist? They have to do it with a thick Australian accent. Natasha is nervous about this whole thing, because she already has accent enough to deal with. The premise of the commercial is that a photographer is waiting for a kangaroo to come by so he can take a picture of it, but then the girls show up with their dramatic eyes laden in Cover Girl makeup. That distracts the photographer, and he starts shooting the girls instead. If only they changed "photographer" to "hunter," I would be down with this concept.
The girls head to hair and makeup, where they get their scripts and some tips on how to pronounce words Aussie-style. And, may I add (thanks to an email from hawk-eyed viewer Sam), the makeup artists aren't even using Cover Girl products! Sutan has some explaining to do. Brittany interviews that she's nervous about her short-term memory affecting her, but that it just takes practice and time.
Renee is up first. Jay tells her to go over the top and let him pull her back. So if she wants to do a Crocodile Hunter voice (RIP), she should go for it. And go for it she does! Her voice is to the nerves like a stingray is to the heart. And, she needs cue cards. She seems to do pretty well once she has them, and she also looks totally gorgeous. is Dionne. She's kind of a disaster. The Aussie accent is a wash, and she can't remember her lines. Jay says that he was wowed when Dionne first walked onto the set, but her performance was like one run-on sentence. A sheep baas its disapproval.
Jael interviews that the best part of this shoot is that she's surrounded by nature and is finally at home, and she gets to run free. I'm sorry, but they don't have "outside" in L.A.? Jay tells Jael to make her reading as conversational as possible and act like she's talking to someone. She seems to be having some difficulty, and she interviews that she struggled with the commercial because it was so over the top in "fake happiness." Jay does an awesome impression of Jael's jerky body language, which makes her crack up in a really unattractive way. He says that he loved Jael's energy, but they really struggled to get a good line read out of her.
And then sooner than you can say "Take 23," it's Take 23. It sucks just as much as the other ones, and Jay tells Jael that they're going to have her do reaction shots, which might be easier for her. Oh, burn! He thinks she's challenged. She gives a giant fake smile to the camera, and Jay tells her that there's no way he could use it, because, again, she looks challenged. She starts to tear up, and Jay says that he needs to fill her in on the harsh reality now, so that she can get to a good end result. She says that she feels like an idiot, because she's not the girl door. She just wants to touch the grass and animals and breathe the air and climb the trees. Sounds like Jael needs to take a trip to Neverland Ranch. Jael tells Dionne that she wants to be up there dressed in all black leather whipping some boy's ass. The birds and trees and flowers love to watch that shit. The burgeoning squirrel bondage community would be especially pleased. FYI, the safe word is: "Nuts."
Jay loves Jaslene's hair, makeup, and outfit, because she looks just like Janice Dickinson in the Serengeti desert. He says that it's genius. Jaslene seems to be having a rough time at first, but Jay tells us that on her sixth take, she nailed the script without cue cards, which was impressive. Meanwhile, Brittany thinks she has her lines down. Jay talks to her and notes that she looks nervous, and she tells him all about the car accident and her memory being fucked. Jay kind of unsympathetically says that she's going to have to work through her shortcomings if this is what she wants to do. Brittany, who has the Tyra-esque wig head wrap, gets frustrated really easily. They bring her cue cards, which actually seems to make matters worse. She starts to cry. Jay tells her that if she lets emotion overtake her, it will defeat her. Brittany tearily interviews that it's frustrating to have something that happened five years ago still affect her so much, and to forget what she read on a cue card in two seconds. She says that it's hard to act all, "Tee hee!" when you're aggravated. Jay interviews that his biggest problem with Brittany was that she was totally overcome by her emotional scar and baggage. Her frustration with herself totally shattered her performance.
Last but not least is Natasha. Jay tells her that the way she's standing makes her look like an ape. But, perhaps, the first ape to be sent into space. Jay tells her to have fun with it, and not to look so much like a Russian pantomime. Natasha explains to us that English is her second language, and that's why it was harder for her to memorize the lines than any of the other girls. Don't even sing me that song until you've had staples in your head, okay, Gorbachev? Jay helpfully tells Natasha that she needs to have an easy, breezy nature from the beginning. And then, something seems to click and Natasha gets it. Her take is great, and Jay says that although her Australian accent left a little to be desired, she was genius. Natasha is quite happy as usual.
In the car home, the girls discuss the day. Jael says that it was crazy for her, I guess because she did so poorly. She says that she had the whole thing memorized, but once they brought in the cue cards, it threw her off. Jaslene says that's true for a lot of people. Natasha adds that she doesn't want anybody to go home, including herself. Jael interviews that she doesn't want to go home, because she's not finished sending joy to the universe. Oh, Jael. Yes, you are. Trust me. Renee says to Jael that you never know -- the judges might like Jael's picture. She adds that they might hate hers and wonder what she was doing with her crazy Crocodile Hunter accent.
Suddenly, someone notices that Brittany's crying and asks what's the matter. They're probably all so used to the waterworks that it just blends into the background by now. Natasha says that Brittany's so gorgeous that it doesn't matter how she did today. Aw, that's awfully nice of her to say. Brittany says that she's not upset about her performance, because she did the best she can. Rather, she seems to be having a little PTSS: post-traumatic staple syndrome. She can't believe that her accident is still affecting her five years later, and she says that it sucks. Hey, there are people with metal plates in their heads, and you don't hear them whining every time they set off the metal detector at the airport, okay? Buck up, Britters. With that, we head to commercials.
We return to a photo of Tyra in the bush. Thankfully it's not a photo of Tyra in the Bush Administration, though with her career trajectory I suppose anything's possible. She actually looks really pretty at panel -- she has on a lovely blue dress, and long straight hair with no sort of head wrap or do-rag getting in the way. And I don't think they ever show her from the waist down. Not that that has anything to do with it. In any case, good work, Tyra! She makes the girls give a "holla!" for themselves. Maybe this was filmed around the time that she went undercover in Chingy's entourage? As a didgeridoo plays in the background yet again, Tyra explains that there are prizes, and there are judges. The guest judge for the day is Erika Heynatz, which gives Tyra the perfect opportunity to say that Top Model went from being just a twinkle in her cleavage to a international phenomenon in over 120 countries. Erika says that it's a huge success there. I bet that's because they show boobs. I mean, don't you think more people here would watch it if that were the case?
Natasha is up first and cracks herself up by saying, "G'day mates!" You know all the other girls are punching themselves that she got to that choice line first. Tyra reminds us about the correspondent challenge, which gives her the perfect excuse to show a clip of her emerging on the Tyra Banks Show looking really skinny. We then see the full Cover Girl commercial, which isn't too bad overall. In fact, I think these girls might be the most beautiful sheilas I've seen in the bush! Renee starts and finishes the whole thing, and each of the girls gets at least one line, which means that each of the girls got at least one line right. Bravo! They also look lovely enough to make the photographer in the commercial actually loosen his neckerchief. I love that the code for "You've given this guy a giant boner" in Cover Girl world is, "Wow, look how sweaty his neck gets when you walk by! You incorrigible minx, you!"
The judges look at Natasha's best take. Tyra says that she can't believe that a girl from Russia, with a heavy Russian accent, no less, has delivered such a great Aussie commercial. Natasha is filled with joy and a shimmer of false disbelief at this compliment. Tyra commends Natasha for changing her inflections, and Twiggy adds that she got the comedy out of the sheila line, and it was brilliant. Natasha and her big cantaloupe head are really proud. Tyra does say that Natasha's poses were too sexy in the end, and that she wrinkled up her nose and pushed out her lips in the way that Tyra told her not to. She tells Natasha to relax her face. I'm going to make that my new saying when someone is getting all mad. "Hey, bitch, relax your face a little." It works, doesn't it?
Dionne is up . She messes up at least once in her best take. Ms. J. says that she has almost a West Indian accent. Dionne loves to do that! Tyra tells Dionne that when you're going after a younger viewer, you have to act extra peppy and wide-eyed to the point where it appears there's something kind of wrong with you. Erika says that even if the accent is bad, the key was to have a sense of humor about it.
Then we have Jaslene. Her take is... not as good as one might have expected when we saw it being filmed. She looks alternately really confused or mad or like the sun is in her eyes. Tyra says that Jaslene committed to the accent, as wrong as it was, but that she was thinking too much. If she had relaxed and let it go, she would have had a stellar commercial. One additional problem with Jaslene is that she does not have a melodious voice. Erika notes that Jaslene frowns when she speaks, which she's probably not conscious of, but also is not pretty. Tyra says that it's important for Jaslene to learn how to give expression and to be big. She demonstrates that there's a big difference between Jaslene's drag-queen-on-a-float-at-Pride wave at the end of the commercial and a wave that is pretty and coquettish yet energized. I do wish Janice was still on the show. I would just love to see what she thinks of her young cha-cha doppelganger.
Renee is up . Tyra asks if she's nervous, and Renee notes that she went for the full-blown Crocodile-Hunter-style accent. Tyra notes that maybe Renee is paying some homage to him. Or maybe she's implying that the Crocodile Hunter was so distracted by the flawless mascara of a beautiful woman walking by that it led to his demise. You can't take the wonders of a no-clump product lightly. That shit is dangerous. Renee's take is absolutely frightening. I feel like she's going to jump out of the screen and shove a fish with teeth in my face or something. Tyra says that Renee channeled Steve Irwin for real, including the fact that he was a man. Oh, snap! Tyra tells her to remember that she's a girl and she's selling makeup, not mufflers. One could predict that Renee is not skilled in the softer arts. I mean, half the time, even her interviews are terrifying, not to mention her confessionals. Ms. J. notes that her body language was jerky, and if she had been looking into the camera, she might have been softer and prettier. Tyra says that in her action shots she acts well, but loses the fact that she's modeling.
Then we have Jael, who's take is, quite predictably, a mess. She looks displeased as she watches it. Tyra asks Jael how she feels doing such a bubbly, girl--door thing when she's all about the anarchy. Jael says that she had a bit of conflict about that. Nigel busts in with this awesome nugget: "You could have smiled." Ha! He says that Jael almost looks mad. Man, that is just how she looks, and if you haven't noticed that in the past seven weeks, you haven't been paying attention. Tyra says that Jael looked to her like an anarchist making fun of a cover girl. She adds that Jael could have brought some more of herself into it while still not looking like a moron. They're not looking for cookie-cutter girls, or else none of the girls would be there, says Tyra. By that same logic, they're apparently not really looking for models either.
And finally there is Brittany, who is wearing a vest with a lot of buttons on it as a shirt. Her best take is also somewhat disastrous. Tyra notes that Brittany seemed near tears. Brittany nods and starts crying again. She tearfully explains the whole bit about the car accident and staples and short-term memory. You know who doesn't really care? The judging panel. Ms. J. says that fashion has no sympathy or empathy. Tyra says that they have hearts, and have known Brittany for weeks, and so they've softened enough to see her as a human being. Wow! An actual human being? I didn't know it was even possible to warm up to someone that much! However, says Tyra, the world of fashion and advertising is cold. Brittany says that she knows, and that she has to work on it. Tyra agrees. On the positive side, Erika says that there were hints of a lovely Australian accent, and Twiggy tells Brittany that the silent parts of her film were beautiful. She didn't overdo it like some of the other girls, and she looked gorgeous. Tyra thanks Brittany and dismisses her. I think if Brittany wins the competition, they ought to get her a giant staple remover to symbolically free her from the psychological effects of her former head wound.
The judges deliberate. Erika was unimpressed by Dionne's performance and says that it made no impact on her whatsoever. Twiggy agrees and says that what Dionne was doing didn't make sense. Tyra thinks that Dionne is the type of girl who needs to do it again and again and again and again, and once she's got it down, she'll be fantastic. Didn't they have like twenty takes? I mean, I love Dionne, but I'm just saying. Twiggy says that Renee was one of her favorites, and that she loves her speaking voice. REALLY? Renee has some kind of whack accent that I can't exactly place, but that is really grating. Erika says that Renee's energy was consistent throughout the whole commercial. Twiggy still hates Jael. She says that if Jael turned up to meet with the editor of any major fashion magazine, she wouldn't get through the door. Erika says that when the girls got off the plane, Jael was immediately the most endearing, and that Jael is the type who loves what they're doing and is excited every single day. Nigel says that Jael does nothing for him. What about all the light she's bringing to the universe?
Then, Brittany. Twiggy says that Brittany was very upset, and that showed on the commercial. She adds that you have to learn to conquer nerves like that. Tyra asks the other judges what they think of the short-term memory issue. Erika says that with whatever job you're doing, you have to develop a strategy for dealing with your flaws and defects. See above mention of Tyra not being shot from the waist down. Tyra has some sympathy, and she notes the seriousness of getting your head cracked open. Nigel says that he can understand the line reading not being the greatest, but Brittany's reaction to criticism and general upset were not attractive. Ms. J. says that Natasha was particularly impressive given that English is her second language. Tyra excitedly yells, "What is that?" She says that Natasha's grasp on English is pretty tenuous, but she rocked the commercial. And finally, Jaslene. Erika says, "Me not knowing her and not knowing all of that drag activity, yeah, it was... it was overwhelming." Ha! Tyra says that she thinks that having Jaslene see herself on the commercial will help her, and that it's easier to pull back a girl who has too many bells and whistles than to add bells and whistles to a dead plank.
The judges have reached a decision. The girls return. Tyra explains that this week they've taken "screen captures" of the pho-tos. I think they should just hand the girls who are staying a tube of Wetslicks. Natasha gets called first. Tyra says that the other girls have someone to be scared of. The judges were impressed with her commercial, and also with her correspondent video. This means that Natasha has won the challenge! She will be appearing on The Tyra Banks Show. And I mean, this is probably mostly due to the fact that people interviewing others in broken English is kind of hilarious, right? Not that she didn't do a good job. Natasha is delighted. we have Renee, who gets made fun of for her crazy Aussie accent. there is Jaslene. Tyra tells her that she did an okay job on her commercial, but she just needs to relax. is Dionne. Tyra tells us that she looked beautiful in the commercial, and just needs to let herself shine through. I would imagine that would go something like, "Day-um! How the hay-ell did I get to looking so good? It must be this Cover Girl mascara. This wouldn't even clump on a lesbo!"
This, of course, leaves Jael and Brittany in the final two. They hold hands like the lovers that they are. Tyra tells Brittany that she's delivered some of the best photos in the competition, but that it's also really important to be able to deliver a Cover Girl commercial. So when the judges saw her butt-ass performance, they got scared. And while they tried to be compassionate to her situation, they can't favor her because of it. That's fair. Jael, meanwhile, has beautiful pictures. But how she presents herself on film is ghastly. To see a girl with so much personality, fire, and spunk fall so flat in a commercial also makes the judges nervous. Plus, Jael just generally seems like she has about 20 staples lodged in her head at any given moment. So who will it be? I mean, duh. Brittany gets a photo, and Jael is sent home.
A teary Jael thanks Tyra and says that this experience has changed her life tremendously. Tyra tells Jael that she has a lot of potential, but she just has to get that pesky speaking thing together. There is a big group hug, and Jael tells the rest of the girls that she loves them. As she packs up to go back to the U.S., a patriotic Jael puts on a blue wig and red tutu. She says that she's been through so much on Top Model, and it's been a real learning experience that she's thankful to have had. She's also proud to have gotten so far. She says that she's going to miss each and every one of the thirteen girls who were in the house, and she adds that she might be the only person fortunate enough to have created bonds with all of them. We get a review of her portfolio, and I have to say that it's actually pretty good. She heads out the door. And though I'll kind of miss her, I am thankful for the fact that we won't have to see that t-shirt with the tie and buttons on it anymore. There really is a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.
week: Go sees Down Under! And Brittany loses her shit. Again.