Girl Power!

Allo! Well, let me tell you how we know that this is no ordinary episode of Top Model. Okay, one, there's cheesy techno music. Well, no, okay, that's not really a sign, I guess. Two, there are some pretty homely-ass-looking ladies modeling poorly. But again, no, no, that sounds pretty familiar. Okay, a-ha! I know! It's the British accent! Yes, that's right, instead of the familiar dulcet tones of Miss Tyra Banks, we have a Brit telling us that it takes more than a pretty face to bring the world's latest designs to life on the runway or on the cover of a fashion magazine. Hey, ladies in their underwear! I like this already. Only a few very special girls have the right stuff. We won't be meeting any of them, but there you go. British voice tells us that when America's Top Model first searched for the "it girl," what followed was a worldwide sensation. France, Germany, Russia, and many other countries now produce their own Top Model shows. This means two things. One, Tyra Banks is freaking loaded. Two, the appreciation of scantily clad women bitching at each other is something that transcends barriers of language and culture. Now, in Great Britain, after an exhaustive nationwide search, twelve girls who defy the stereotype of pasty skin and bad teeth have gotten the chance of a lifetime. British Voice tells us that their journey will not be easy. There will be joy and heartache, pleasure, and pain. And multiple uses of the word "snogging." It's like the Spice Girls, if there were twelve of them. Yaaaaaaaaaay! So grab some bangers and mash and enjoy the show! Okay, the first hilarious thing is that there is a modified version of the "na na na na na, you wanna be on top?" song, not sung by Tyra. Thank goodness. The second hilarious thing is that a photo of each girl is shown in the credits on a billboard, along with a name and a question mark, as if they didn't even bother to check if the girls' names are right. Their best guesses are: Tashi? Anne? Lucy? Shauna? Edwina? Marisa? Hayley? Stephanie? Naomi? Marina? Claire? And Jenilee? Okay, there's a contestant named "Edwina." I already like this show so much better than the regular old Top Model. As we begin the show, British voice reiterates that there were thousands of applicants for BNTM, but they only chose twelve finalists. These twelve wrangle their luggage at, like, the train station or bus stop. Because England's not that big! British Voice says that she brought the contestants from all over the country to London. And then, there is a double decker bus there to collect all the girls. We can only hope that Tom Jones will soon show up to serenade them. We meet Marina, from Cheshire. She's bubbly. I think her last name is Bucket or Blarket or maybe just Blarkey or something equally English-sounding. She says that this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and has a shirt that reads "born poser." Hey, I could think of a few folks who should get that as a Christmas present. Then there's Edwina, eighteen, from Bristol. She says that she can give Naomi Campbell a run for her money. Edwina was apparently Bristol's champion phone-thrower in 2005. Then there's Lucy from Newcastle, who says that modeling is what she sees herself doing, and that it's the only thing she wants to do. She is pretty, if potentially a bit boring. Then there's someone named Hayley, from Sussex. She believes she has the potential to go all the way, and apparently has a pair of underwear that she calls her "lucky pants." Wouldn't "lucky bloomers" be more English-sounding? She also appears to have a large, misshapen rack. I don't know what's up with that. Then there is Anne, from Sheffield, and Marisa from Surrey, the latter of whom has future ambitions of going into politics. And what better way to begin such a career than to appear on the inaugural season of Britain's Top Model! Tony Blair would have jumped at such an opportunity, had he been given the chance. Marisa says that she didn't come to the house to get into intellectual conversations; she came to get away from them. Well, at least she's a realist. Then there's Stephanie, twenty-two, from Birmingham. She wants to be a model because it's been her dream since she was a little girl. She wants to be on the cutting edge of fashion. There is also Naomi, twenty-two, from Leeds. She says that she's a very competitive person, and that this is going to test her limits. And really, it's amazing how you can instantly tell who the bitch is. Then there is Jenilee, from Kent. She sounds like a little British mouse from some cartoon. Like if they made a British Fievel. Or a mouse version of Eliza Doolittle. I can just hear her saying, "Well 'ello, guvnah, looks like oy cut me'self and 'ave to go to hospital." "Hospital" with a silent "h," that is. Then there is Tashi, twenty-four, from Leeds, who is dying to strut her stuff. She has a lot of stuff to strut, that's for sure. There's Claire, twenty, from Brigend, who thinks that modeling is her ticket to success. Not with those crazy bangs. Jesus. There is Shauna, twenty-three, from Derry. She has a Derry air about her. She just finished her Masters degree in international business. Holy crow! Go out and get a real job, then! Tyra Banks's influence on the world seriously pains me. British Voice tells us that she introduced the girls to stylist Hilary Alexander, who looks suspiciously like Penny Marshall, and put them to the test on their first-ever public catwalk. They each wear a plain, one-piece nude bathing suit and have to strut what they've got in front of a crowd of onlookers in Piccadilly Circus. I actually don't really know if it's Piccadilly Circus, but that sounded like a British place to be. Either that or Portobello Road, where they will also find a book about the Lost Isle of Naboombu. Anne tells us that the whole experience was shocking. She hasn't shown her body off in a long time and there were "cobwebs everywhere." It's gross but kind of funny, and how I now like to think of Tyra in her post-Victoria's Secret retirement phase. Even worse than the cobwebs is the jiggly ass-flesh that Shauna is sporting. She says that everyone was a little shocked to find out that she was more "pear-shaped." In all fairness, her bathing suit also appears to be kind of small for her. British Voice tells us that spirits are high after this first catwalk, but that there is a lot of work to be done before any of these girls can be considered a model. Shauna sulks a little, probably on account of the jiggly ass-flesh. We finally get a face and name to put to the voice: they belong to host Lisa Butcher. I did a little research, and apparently Lisa Butcher was the "face of the '90s" and had some scandalous marriages. I have to admit that I have never heard of her, but it seems like maybe she has a little more edge than Tyra (Ms. Banks if you're nasty). Lisa tells the girls that some of them did quite well under the circumstances. However, Anne gets called out for talking to Lisa from the runway. Lisa tells her sternly that she'd be fired immediately for doing that. Bollocks! I don't know, that just seemed like a British thing to say. The day, the girls get a lesson in catwalking from Angela Dunn, catwalk specialist. What, they can't find a decent drag queen in England, birthplace of Boy George? There is walking. One of the idiots -- I think it's Anne -- comes down the runway wearing white socks, and Angela stops her, telling her that on the runway you wear either bare feet or shoes, but never socks. You would think that this advice would be implicit, but then again you're a lot smarter than the bulk of these girls. Edwina does a bang-up job, and steals the show with her confidence and grace. Anne continues to suck, and the pressure starts to show. We see her getting frustrated and complaining to the other girls, saying that she's her own worst critic, but is still taken down by what the judges say to her. A caption tells us that it's 5:00 AM. Lisa voices over that it is time for the girls' first photo shoot. Yay! They meet up with stylist Hilary, who says that they're basically doing a black and white shoot. I wonder if Hilary is the counterpart to Jay Manuel. Tashi has problems keeping her giant chest in the bathing suit she is wearing: "I feel a bit too, um...like I should be in that hip-hop video or something." They only have one hip-hop video in all of England? Figures. Marina also stood out, according to photographer Ram Shergill, simply because "she wasn't good." When it comes to the first elimination, it is Shauna and Marina in the bottom two. We then discover what I thought was the counterpart to Miss J.: judge Jonathan Phang, "Fashion Industry Veteran." I looked him up, and it seems that he was an agent and booker, and therefore was actually somewhat useful, so I guess there's no real comparison to be drawn. Jonathan thinks that Marina's face is too round. Shauna is sweet, but judge Marie Helvin, former supermodel (clearly playing the Janice role with the excessive plastic surgery and the nasty comments), says that Shauna is going to have a hard time toning up her ass. And hey -- Wikipedia tells me that Marie Helvin's marriage to a photographer ended because she admitted to having an affair with Tom Selleck! HA! She and Lisa Butcher have also apparently shared actor Jeremy Northam! Marie Helvin is American, so that's one for my team. Even though she is kind of scary. In the end, Marina was sent home. Oh, Marina, we hardly knew ye! Commercials. When we return, we're still in London. And it's makeover day! Top stylist Lee Stafford works on the girls. Jenilee gets the long-banged look, and meekly says that she feels really edgy and is going to go out there determined to win this competition. It's hard to believe, because she says it like the one sweet girl who got stuck working with all the crazy old ladies at Dunkin' Donuts, or whatever the British equivalent is. However, Anne gets totally hysterical as her hair is being shaved off. Oh man, it's just like our Top Model! Someone always freaks out about the makeover! Lee Stafford says that he's never had anyone who's behaved like that. This is how you can tell that it's BNTM Season 1. Anne is all crying and shit. Lisa tells her that the haircut shows off her face and that it looks fabulous. It really does look a lot better than the mop she was sporting before. Lisa gently tells Anne that if she behaved like this on a shoot, she'd get sacked immediately, and her agent would get really mad. Incidentally, There is apparently some sort of British hairspray called "Haze." For some reason, I like to imagine that it's made by Cadbury. Stephanie also cries when her long, blonde hair is chopped off. But she looks so much better with her red, straight, be-banged hair. She is actually my favorite. Lisa says that she looks fab. Tashi gets the long weave, and says that she looks like Lady Godiva and loves it. The morning, the girls go to the Isle of Wight for their first location shoot. The Isle of Wight ferry is called "WightLink." Hee! The U.K. is adorable! They once again meet stylist Hilary Alexander, who tells them that they'll be wearing skimpy summer dresses, even though it looks somewhat wintry out. Photographer Nicky Johnston says that they don't want to hear any whinging about how cold it is. The girls seem to be doing pretty well, until we get to Edwina. According to Hilary, Edwina was sassing her and telling her which outfit she wanted to wear. Hilary was all, "Bitch, I don't think so," and Edwina kept on complaining. Hilary is not psyched. Edwina also complains about having to pose in the ocean in the cold. At one point during her shoot, Nicky yells, "Horrendous!" Ha! Hilary says that Edwina could be good, but that she's becoming "a little madame." I love when they speak British! A split starts in the group as Naomi and Edwina make some enemies. Jenilee tells us that Naomi and Edwina were laughing at her, because she was wearing a dress Edwina wanted to wear. Jenilee tells us that that is "pafetic." It does seem kind of stupidly bitchy. Shauna wasn't happy with her look, which included a dress that was too big and a stupid hat and was quite milkmaid-esque overall. As Shauna was unimpressed with her style, Nicky was unimpressed with Shauna. But it was Claire who really failed to inspire him: "Pretty face...plank of wood." He calls her lifeless, and says that hers was the worst shot of the day. At the end of the day, Claire and Anne of the hair histrionics are in the bottom two. Claire's issue is apparently her posture, which Lisa says the judges aren't convinced will change over time. Okay, that's lamer than just about anything Tyra's come up with. Just tell her to stand up straight! And everyone's just tired of Anne's melodramatic outbursts. Claire gets booted, which is fitting, since she looks like a twelve-year-old boy. She's excited to go home and see her boyfriend, Phil, and happy to get back to her normal life, because she's had enough of this "modeling malarkey." Hee! Lisa tells us that looking good isn't the only important part of being a model: you also have to move beautifully. So the girls are sent to see choreographer Andy Turner. He's cute! Some girls -- pretty much the black ones, if we are to believe the camerawork and years of stereotypes -- find their rhythm right away. The pastiest of the whiteys can't quite get it, though. Stephanie has a really hard time. She says that she was getting "frus-TRA-ted" and couldn't do it. But when it came time to film some sort of cheesy video -- perhaps for Lisa Butcher's breakout hit single, "Shake Your Bollocks (Bollocks)" -- no one failed to perform. On a pole! Seriously, it's all stripper-y. Lindsay Lohan would approve. Anne talks to Lisa Butcher on the phone. Lisa is shocked. She tells Anne that she's been doing really well, and that her last photo was the best of anybody's. Anne says that the moment when they told her that her photo was the best was the moment that she realized she really didn't give a crap about modeling. Eh, fair enough. Lisa asks if Anne understands what she's giving up. I think Lisa is pissed. Anne leaves. She says she's happy that she's a strong enough person to do it, and though she might regret it, there's something good that comes out of every situation. Anne is just a big old drama queen, if you ask me. And then, there is a Piccadilly Circus sign! Lisa tells us that Naomi and Tashi are getting up close and personal with some hot male actors. Including Paul Danan! THE Paul Danan! From Celebrity Love Island! And someone named Scott Wright, who was on a show called Coronation Street. Heh. Tashi says that her eyes almost burst -- not only at Scott, but also at Naomi, who was very flirtatious. And subtly so, as she points out a mole in her cleavage. This causes one of the guys to use the word "knockers." Awesome. Tashi has no ties and no inhibitions, and does a little smoochie-smoochie with Scott. However, things are about to get sticky for Naomi and her long-term boyfriend. So to speak, I'm sure. Cut to Tashi in the confessional with Hayley, saying that Naomi has blatantly denied snogging Paul. But Tashi was in the car with her, and she "snogged his ass off." HA! Oh, I love this special. And you know who else was in the car? A camera guy. For reals. Tashi then makes sucking-face noises, which are awesome. Naomi interviews that she let her hair down, and that there was a bit of flirting going on, and everyone was just having a laugh. She tries to convince her boyfriend that Paul kept trying to kiss her all night, but that she was having none of it. Cut to footage of her sitting on Paul's lap. Awesome. And I mean, he is THE Paul Danan. From Celebrity Love Island! What girl could blame her? Naomi says that her boyfriend did sound upset, but that he believes her. Well, then he believes lies. The night, there are more rumors to come. Some of the girls talk about who they like and dislike, and Naomi's name comes up staunchly in the dislike category. Apparently, earlier in the day, Naomi told some of the other girls that Tashi wet her bed, and then told them to smell it. Okay, that's just foul. And also, come up with something more believable and damning, like that she has herpes or something. It all comes back to the tales of snogging, which I guess Naomi is still mad about. Tashi gets really pissed in the non-bed-wetting sense, and confronts Naomi angrily. Naomi makes some snide remark about Tashi stomping down in her size 8s. That's no way to get viewer sympathy on your side, Naomi. Naomi denies that she told anyone to "sniff it." She doesn't deny the rest, however. Tashi tells Naomi that she just has a guilty conscience because she snogged Paul Danan. THE Paul Danan! Naomi says that she wouldn't make up something like that. And then there's more about snogging. Naomi says that Tashi feels her opinion is the right opinion, even though she doesn't really know what happened. Naomi also says that she has her own personal opinion that she saw drips coming from Tashi's mattress that morning. However, she didn't initially mention it when the camera crews were around, to save Tashi some embarrassment. Oh, come on. Edwina compares Tashi to a Rottweiler, and the other girls to puppies. And then it seems like Tashi and Edwina might get into it! But there are no fisticuffs. Tashi confessionalizes that she doesn't want to come off as a bully. But a little bit, she really does. The day, the girls are turned into some broke-down princesses who each have to pose with a frog. And you know what Tashi apparently has a phobia of? Frogs. Who knew, right? She gets all freaked out and starts crying. She interviews that she thought that, at any moment, it was going to jump into "me gob" or smack her right between her breasts. And then give her all of its bumps and...lergies? Is that what she's saying? Eventually, though, she struggled through it. Hilary hilariously says, "Tashi genuinely...seemed to have a problem...with frogs. But despite that, she did manage to hold it together." Heh. This show is the best. The other girls don't really seem to be having too much trouble with the frog. At judging, Naomi and Hayley are in the bottom two. Hayley's photo is terrible. Marie says that she's better when she's naked. Or maybe she's thinking about a certain mustachioed '80s heartthrob and his fine performance in Three Men And A Baby. Naomi's photo is a beautiful portrait, but not a fashion shot. Emotions were high as Naomi got through and Hayley had to go. The bitches always survive. It's natural selection. Commercials. When we return, Lisa says that it's important for models to learn how to present themselves in public. For instance, no peeing in diapers. So journalist Lucy Cave is called in to test the girls' interview skills. Contestant Lucy reads the...Lisa Mail?...which says, "Your challenge today is to inspire and excite Lucy with your personality, convincing her to write a headline-grabbing feature about you." Wow, Lisa Mail is so much more straightforward and descriptive than Tyra Mail. I like it. Marisa does not score any points with her political ambitions, Lisa tells us. We see Marisa telling Journalist Lucy that she wants to the prime minister, and that she's progressing nicely along that track. I mean, seriously. This would be like Jayla telling us that she wants to be President. Meanwhile, Jenilee tells Journalist Lucy all about Naomi and Tasha's night on the town with Paul Danan and Mr. Coronation Street, including the fact that Naomi has a boyfriend. When it's Naomi's turn to be interviewed, Journalist Lucy tells her there are rumors that she snogged Paul Danan and has a boyfriend. We get a flashback of the snogging in the limo. Naomi says that she isn't going to say any more on that matter. Let this be a lesson to all of us to keep it in our pants when the cameras are around. Lucy says that Jenilee needs to be more careful about dishing the dirt on her housemates, but at the same time, that's just the kind of thing she's looking for as a journalist. However, it is Tashi who has the biggest story of the day. She used to be a size 20! After she had her baby! Wow! Lucy says that it made the best headline: "I was a size 20 single mum and I used to starve myself." With accompanying before and after pictures, of course. Tashi won the prize, which was to have dinner with three formal models. She must have invited Marisa and Stephanie along, and Lisa tells us that Marisa's former experience as a model caused some tension. We see Marisa telling everyone at dinner that she modeled when she was eighteen, and stayed in a model flat. It almost killed her, and she went home after five days. Tashi says that Marisa thinks she knows everything about the industry, even when talking to models who have been working for fifteen years. Marisa confessionalizes that a few people advised her, before she came to the show, not to mention her past experience, because the other girls might think that she had an unfair advantage. I don't know. I mean, they can see her face, after all. Karen tells the girls that for her to make her decision about who is going to be Britain's Top Model, she needs them to compete on the stage, which is the international market. So she's sending them...to Milan! Woo! The girls are all very excited. However, there is a catch. There are six girls, and only five seats available on the plane. So the photo shoot is really going to count. Oooh, I like this way of doing things! The girls have to pose in some glamorous outfits, and know what's at stake. Everyone ups her game. Tashi tells the hair stylist that she needs to go to Milan with her DDs, and stay in the competition. The girls pose. As Tashi gets primped on set, she says that she has four people fussing about her, which is what being a supermodel is all about. Hilary looks at the photographs and says that each one is better than the last, and that the judges are going to have such a hard time. And have a hard time they do. Stephanie's photo isn't great, but Lisa says that she's so grateful for everything that she's gotten through this program, and would really like to be Britain's Top Model. But Marie says that it's just not possible, because she doesn't have the potential to become a top model. Tashi's picture isn't working, according to Jonathan. So it's those two in the bottom, and it's Steph's dreams that are crushed when she's told that she doesn't get to go to Milan. Oooh, boo! I really liked her. As soon as she's out of the room, the other girls hoot and holler with their own excitement. Steph tells us she always said that even if she was eliminated in the first week, it wouldn't change her, and wouldn't change her dreams. With this, seven girls fade from the group photo and we are left with the final five. Commercials. When we return, we are in Milan, where the girls are faced with a tough agency casting. Jenilee meets top model agent Paola Barratto. Paola says that Jenilee's book-a is-a the book-a of a starting model. , there is Naomi, with straight hair that makes her look a lot better. Paola asks how tall she is, and Naomi says 5'7". Paola says that's not too tall, and when Naomi says that she's a tall 5'7", Paola adds that, in their business, a tall 5'7" doesn't exist. I wish Pigford had gotten that memo. Edwina walks, and Paola just shakes her head and says, "Doesn't work." I love Paola! Lucy interviews that they can't PLAY at being models anymore; they have to BE models. Her walk doesn't impress Paola either. When it's Tashi's turn, Paola says, "You are...a big girl. A big girl." Tashi interviews that Paola is looking at the boobs and the shoulders, and that it's fair play and she can say what she wants to say. Oh, I think she will. More Paola!